What if the biggest thing holding you back isn't your past...

It's the story your past taught you to believe?

In this powerful episode of Adult Child of Dysfunction, Tammy Vincent sits down with licensed therapist Aaron Gilbert, founder of Boston Evening Therapy Associates, to explore one of the most important concepts in healing from childhood trauma: your default story.

From the moment we're born, our brains begin making sense of the world around us. For children growing up in dysfunctional homes, those early experiences often become deeply ingrained beliefs about who we are, what we deserve, and how relationships work. Aaron explains why those beliefs can continue running our lives long after childhood—and how we can begin rewriting them.

Together, Tammy and Aaron discuss the difference between understanding your trauma and actually healing from it, why insight alone isn't enough to create lasting change, and how self-acceptance, curiosity, and a safe therapeutic relationship can help people finally break free from old patterns.

In this episode you'll discover:

• What your "default story" is and how it develops
• Why childhood trauma shapes your beliefs about yourself
• The difference between understanding trauma and healing trauma
• Why people continue repeating unhealthy relationship patterns
• How to quiet your inner critic with curiosity instead of shame
• Why therapy isn't about fixing you—it's about helping you see new possibilities
• The surprising importance of nature, self-compassion, and small mindset shifts in the healing process

Whether you're struggling with anxiety, shame, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or simply feeling stuck in old emotional patterns, this conversation offers practical insights and hope.

Your childhood may have written your first chapter.

It doesn't have to write the rest of your story.

ABOUT AARON GILBERT

Aaron Gilbert is a licensed therapist with more than 30 years of experience and founder of Boston Evening Therapy Associates. He specializes in anxiety, trauma, behavior change, and helping people develop greater self-acceptance, emotional resilience, and healthier relationships through evidence-based therapy and compassionate curiosity.

RESOURCES

Work With Aaron Gilbert

If this conversation resonated with you and you're considering therapy, Aaron and his team are accepting clients throughout Massachusetts.

Boston Evening Therapy Associates

🌐 https://bostoneveningtherapy.com

📅 Book a consultation:

https://bostoneveningtherapy.com/contact/

📧 Email Aaron:

[email protected]

Hey there, I’m so glad you’re here and tuning in! If this episode spoke to your heart, just know there’s even more support waiting for you.

Book Your Free Clarity and Calm Call: No Judgement, just a chat https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/clarity-and-calm-call

If you are curious about where you stand energetically, or just need a frequency boost, book your FREE biofrequency voice scan here: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/complimentary-scan-demo if you want to take part in an amazing club, where you can get unlimited scans and free coaching every month, sign up here: $25 ($250 Value) Join For One Month Here https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/JQz3QDrr/checkout

If you would like to ask a question, and hear the answer in a future episode, please leave your question here: https://www.speakpipe.com/Tammyvincentcoaching

Trials To Triumph: An Adult Child's Emotional Freedom Blueprint: Use code THRIVE25 for 75% off today. https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/DSbcgrZZ/checkout

As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,

🔑 Start Your Healing Journey

Find ALL THE THINGS HERE: Anything that I have to offer is right here

✈️ Bonus for Travel Lovers!

Did you know I also offer access to an amazing travel savings program that can help you save up to 70% on hotels, resorts, cruises, and more? Let’s compare your next upcoming itinerary and see how much you could save.

👉 Try the Trip Check: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/trip-check

📺 Subscribe to My YouTube Channel

👉 Adult Child of Dysfunction on YouTube

🌟 Book Me to Speak at Your Event

👉 Let’s connect: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/speakers-event-chat

🫶 Let’s Connect

📩 Email: [email protected]

📱 Text: 513-280-3555

🌟 If this episode helped you, please share it with a friend, leave a review, and hit follow. Every share helps break generational cycles and brings healing into more lives.

Well, hello everybody.

2

Welcome back to another, an episode

of Adult Child of Dysfunction.

3

Today we have with us Aaron Gilbert.

4

He's a licensed psychotherapist

with 30 more, plus years of

5

experience, and founder of the

Boston Evening Therapy Associates.

6

He specializes anxiety, trauma, and

behavior change, blending cognitive,

7

solution-focused, and strengths-based

approaches to help people build

8

self-acceptance, clarity, and a stronger

sense of purpose in their lives.

9

Welcome, Aaron.

10

Hi, Tammy.

11

Thanks.

12

Nice to be with you.

13

Yeah, thank you.

14

So yeah, couldn't we all use

some self-acceptance, clarity,

15

and a stronger sense of purpose?

16

Yeah.

17

not a bad combination, yeah.

18

being that you're on a podcast called

Adult Child of Dysfunction, you can

19

probably surmise that most of the

conversations we've had on this is

20

how to heal from that past trauma, the

things that were kind of embedded into

21

your brain while you were a child,

before you really had any autonomy or

22

could really make your own decisions

or process your own thoughts even.

23

I'm gonna just jump right in and

start asking some questions, and I

24

wanna talk about the kinda default

story that adult or the adult children

25

of alcoholics or adult children

of dysfunctional families have.

26

How does that default, how

do you look at that default

27

story as kind of coming about?

28

Yeah, it's a great way of putting it,

a default story, because when you,

29

think about a default story, it is

something that is sort of, that just

30

absolutely goes unchallenged, right?

31

It's sort of like, we, assume a

truth, because we've always thought

32

of it as the truth, and it, there's

no point in even thinking of an

33

alternative way of, seeing things.

34

So, I think the way you introduced it

makes a lot of sense, that as a child, we

35

are largely helpless, and the, influence

that we get from adults is the truth.

36

That's what it is.

37

That, and as, crazy as it might be,

as, dysfunctional or counterproductive

38

or unhealthy, it, gets internalized

as that's the way things are.

39

And, as we grow older, in other phases

of our life, we see that, wow, there's

40

actually many ways of doing things.

41

There's actually many directions,

many paths that a person can take,

42

and I have, autonomy, I have choice.

43

But somehow that, and that might apply

for a person for things like career

44

or things like, their social life or

their interests, but there remains

45

this very fundamental kind of view of

self, view of relationships perhaps,

46

that is just frozen in, childhood.

47

Absolutely.

48

Yeah.

49

And I, look at the situations where,

say, somebody has this, like, this

50

default story, you could say, going in,

and like you said, it was all kind of

51

built when you didn't have that choice

or you, didn't have that reasoning.

52

A lot of people will talk about

those years from, like, birth to

53

seven years old where you're kind of

in this semi-hypnotic, kind of just

54

suggestionable stage, and so you're

reading everything around you, right?

55

You're reading people's tones and their

voice and how they act and how they

56

touch you and, you're reading all of

this, and you're getting these messages.

57

But I've also heard people say, and

this kind of of where my work kind of

58

stems from too is that when you are

young, you we are one of the species

59

that really, depends on our caregivers.

60

Like, we can't come out

at birth and survive.

61

It's just not feasible.

62

It just can't happen.

63

So in our minds, we internalize that

because we would rather internalize

64

it for safety and for survival than

to ever think that our caregivers were

65

wrong or that they were doing something.

66

What do you think about that theory?

67

I think that makes a lot of sense.

68

it's true.

69

it's very, it's fascinating.

70

You know, you get me thinking about just

sort of the biology of the human being.

71

I mean, we have to be born, you

know, our, brains are so large

72

relatively so that we have to be born,

relatively early in our development.

73

and it's true, we are

completely vulnerable.

74

you look at other, animals, so soon

after birth they're up on their feet and

75

they're acting vaguely independently.

76

It's completely different

for a human being.

77

So you're right, the survival instinct,

is going to trump, you know, any other,

78

The physical survival instinct

is gonna trump anything else,

79

including sort of the, emotional

integrity and health and wellbeing.

80

You know, you have to first

rule is stay alive, and you,

81

were reliant on the caregiver.

82

right.

83

We need, we're going to internalize.

84

That's the source of

our physical security.

85

That's the source of our staying alive.

86

So it would be crazy to reject,

that, individual, for, any reason.

87

Tammy, that's I had not thought of

it quite exactly that way, but that

88

makes, that's, that sounds very true.

89

Yeah.

90

I mean, it all, to me, it makes sense.

91

It, and I've always kind

of thought that way.

92

It's like, okay, your parents

are not taking care of you, and

93

you know you need that, so you're

doing everything you can to…

94

That's why these people, we, you know,

we gather these tendencies of people

95

pleasing and, and being submissive

and not voicing just to keep ourselves

96

safe so that those people could

potentially wanna take care of us.

97

You know?

98

I don't, it is amazing how the human

brain works, and even the fact that

99

we, I know you probably deal with a

lot of people that are taking these

100

old patterns, moving into adulthood,

and trying to untangle them as to, but

101

it's like being a therapist, you use

the brain, you use the science, you use

102

all of it kind of in a mesh together.

103

But what would you say to people if they

asked you the difference about what the

104

difference was between understanding

your trauma and healing from your trauma?

105

Because I know I just listened to an

episode that you did on a different

106

podcast, and you were talking about

therapy and, trauma and why people go

107

to therapy and what's, you know, the

pros and cons and things like that.

108

But what would you give as that answer,

the difference between understanding

109

and actually healing from your trauma?

110

Hmm.

111

Well, I think that, a little bit linked.

112

know what you mean by the difference.

113

It's very important.

114

But I would say that we don't

really understand our trauma

115

until we can also imagine, some

difference, some alternative.

116

A part of understanding our

trauma, I think, has to be also

117

a curiosity, an imagination that

things could be different also.

118

I don't think that we really truly

understand our trauma if we don't have

119

that curiosity about an alternative

or a difference, or could there be

120

some different way of experiencing

myself and my life, then we still

121

have not fully understood, the trauma.

122

think they work together.

123

I think the healing comes

from, at least in therapy, I

124

think it can happen many ways.

125

It doesn't have to happen

through therapy by any means.

126

but the healing in therapy comes through

the magic of, of a client, a person

127

feeling fully and completely heard, their

story, to, feel that they're, they're

128

able to tell their story to a person

they trust, and to, feel confidence

129

that they have been deeply heard and

understood and listened to in a, way,

130

in a, from a stance of great curiosity,

but also from a non-judgmental stance.

131

I think that- When you listen to me

describing that, that might sound,

132

well, what does the therapist do?

133

I mean, that sounds like it's just

the person telling their story.

134

What's the big deal?

135

And I get that, or I, would,

would understand if a person

136

saw it that way, for sure.

137

But what makes the, difference is

that it's such a rare experience.

138

I mean, just think of our regular lives.

139

How often do we have the chance to feel

that we can tell something important

140

about ourselves to somebody, in which

the other person really gets it, is

141

non-judgmental, and then doesn't turn

around and make it about themselves.

142

You know?

143

Like, "Oh, yeah, that's

really interesting.

144

You know, the same thing happened

to me," and I was, you know…

145

And now we're talking about them.

146

The one-uppers.

147

Yeah, it's the one-uppers.

148

Yeah, yeah.

149

I always say that, like, you, finally

get the courage, I can remember this

150

years ago, when I would finally get

the courage to be like, "Oh my gosh,

151

this happened to me," and like finally

get the guts to come out and say it,

152

and somebody would be like, "Oh, yeah,

when I was four," blah, blah, blah.

153

And I'd be like- Yeah … "Okay,

so I guess I wasn't as

154

bad as I thought it was."

155

Well, we were talking

about me a minute ago.

156

Now we're talking about you.

157

Okay.

158

All right.

159

You know, so that, what I mean,

is the, sanctity, the, rarity of,

160

that dynamic is where the healing,

happens, I think, in therapy.

161

Because then a person is

safe to ask questions, too.

162

You know?

163

Like, does that sound, like, why, you

know, am I seeing, the world that way?

164

Why am I seeing myself that way?

165

I mean, and then and the underlying

question to that, even if it's unstated,

166

is, is it possible to do this differently?

167

Is it possible to

experience this differently?

168

And I think that's the, healing

process in, good therapy.

169

Yeah.

170

Right.

171

And I think, you know, a lot of

people, you hear people say, well,

172

and I, a perfect example of it.

173

I went to therapy for many years,

and I was like, "Okay, there's

174

just something still missing."

175

And so when I tried other things,

it was always good to kind of

176

consolidate different things together.

177

So, and when I say different, when

I say therapy, I mean traditional

178

psychotherapy, like talk therapy.

179

But- It wasn't, I but I always

say there's always that basis.

180

Like, the therapist is always, like,

your grounding point, and then you

181

can grab all these other things.

182

You can grab, like,

working the body into it.

183

You can grab, like, all this

different stuff, but it's the,

184

therapist is your sounding…

185

No, I don't wanna say your

sounding board, but your, main

186

platform, I guess you could say.

187

That's the way I've kind of,

looked at it, because I did.

188

I was like, and I have people

do that to me all the time, but

189

they'll say, "I've, done this and

this and this and this and that."

190

And I'm like, "Okay, so

let's put it all together.

191

Like, when you went to your therapist, how

did that, like, how did that work for you?

192

How did…

193

You know, let's, figure out where

the blockage is and just add

194

little tweaks, little pieces."

195

And, but you're right.

196

If you've been, if you go to a good

therapist, there's nothing like it.

197

Nothing like it.

198

And you do.

199

It's that safe container of being

able to say what you need to say

200

and get non-judgmental feedback

and curiosity instigating- Mm-hmm

201

… questions, I guess you could say,

to where you have to be curious.

202

Yeah, that's why the the non-judgmental

and curiosity have to be equally powerful,

203

because, you know, I, think, you know,

the, wrap, the on therapists or that

204

sort of traditional kind of, it called?

205

negative spin that people put on therapy

is like, "Oh, yeah, I know," just like,

206

"Oh, and how does that make you feel?"

207

You know?

208

And which is sort of non-judgmental,

but also not very curious.

209

You know, you have to

be- What's going on here?

210

Wow.

211

And how, does, how did that happen?

212

And, you know, right there

with the person, while

213

maintaining that non-judgmental.

214

And that, I think, is what builds

rapport, builds connection, builds

215

trust, and that's the, the fertile

soil from which healing grows.

216

And I also like what you said

very much about it being a

217

foundation point, not the total.

218

It's just a You know, the therapist

might bring up certain ideas that

219

then the person develops on their own.

220

You know, like, what do you

feel in your body, for example?

221

Right.

222

Where in your body does this stress land?

223

you know, what do you notice about your

energy through the course of a day?

224

And this can lead to curiosity about

all kinds of things, about, mindfulness,

225

about meditation, about being aware of

your body, about your physical self,

226

how your physical self integrates in,

with your emotional and mental self.

227

beginning to kind of look for

a full menu of ways to heal.

228

Yep.

229

trauma is a, it's a big deal,

and, we wanna use all the

230

resources available to us.

231

Yeah.

232

Absolutely.

233

So when people are coming to you, or

theoretically, you know, you, I'm just

234

saying a therapist, a psychotherapist,

and they are having all of these

235

underlying unhealthy patterns and they're

saying, "I know what to do logically.

236

I know what to do," and that's

the biggest thing you hear.

237

Like, I've read the books.

238

I shelf health books.

239

We've all read the books, the personal

growth and everything else, and they

240

know logically what should be happening.

241

How do you open that up with them

to explore the fact that there is…

242

I, don't know.

243

How do you open that up with them

if that's their starting point?

244

'Cause that is so, for the people

that are on this podcast listening,

245

that so often is the starting point.

246

They've done all, they quote

unquote done everything.

247

Logically they know how they should

be feeling, but, and they know they

248

shouldn't be having these patterns.

249

How do, stop that?

250

I know, big question.

251

Yeah.

252

It's, a big question.

253

Okay, let me rephrase it.

254

Yeah, yeah.

255

Why do you think so many people

repeat the unhealthy problems or

256

patterns when they know better?

257

Yeah, I guess, the reason I'm

pausing is because I'm, sort of

258

wondering what you mean by they know

what to do, or they logically…

259

I guess I would be, first want to

know what that means, what their

260

logic is telling them they need to do.

261

You know?

262

How, they, what, what they

mean by they know what to do.

263

You know?

264

They do- Okay, so I'm

gonna give you an example.

265

Can I give you an example- Mm-hmm … and

then you can maybe work from there?

266

So you are somebody that grew

up in complete dysfunction.

267

Your mother was a complete narcissist

or whatever it was, and now everybody

268

you meet, you're attracted by, whatever

it is, the universe or whatever it

269

is brings you to these people, and

all of these red flags are going off.

270

Like, "Ooh, I shouldn't

be with this person.

271

Ooh, this is that.

272

Ooh, this is that.

273

Ooh, this is that," but you

still do it even though your gut,

274

your soul, everything in you is

telling you, "This is wrong."

275

Why do you still do it?

276

Okay.

277

Okay, thank you.

278

That's, great.

279

Yeah, and I, let me…

280

That is, is very interesting, especially

the, the context of, like, relationships

281

and, recurring, destructive relationships.

282

first thing that would come to mind for

me in that particular case is, well,

283

why are we looking for this, resolution

in other people, in another person?

284

You know, I, have to say,

get off point just a little

285

bit or just, to make a point.

286

You know, I see a lot of requests

coming in for couples therapy, and

287

I'll read the initial kind of the,

reasonings for why we need to be in

288

couples therapy, and I, more than half

the time I'm seeing, you know, I think

289

individual therapy would be better here.

290

You know?

291

I think that this is, you know, we're,

sort of, I think very often what

292

happens in those situations that you

described is that we're, imagining

293

that, another, a connection with

another person can be healing to us.

294

You know?

295

That we, need, we, we need another

person to help resolve some of these

296

things, and I think I would start with-

297

Let's, step away from that entirely.

298

Let's imagine that you

don't have a relationship.

299

Let's even be kind of, you

know, extreme about it.

300

What if you never had a relationship?

301

You know what?

302

You still need, deserve, and want to

feel emotionally well, and obviously

303

the most important relationship

is the one you have with yourself.

304

Let's work on that relationship.

305

I know it's painful to kind of, you know,

there's all kinds of concomitant kind of,

306

feelings that come along with not being

in a relationship, or it can be scary to,

307

like, even entertain the idea of, like,

what if I was never in a relationship?

308

But I sometimes think that's important

to do because what that says is, yeah,

309

that's nice, but what really we're

not gonna sacrifice is your wellbeing.

310

You know, I often think of a relationship,

a good, healthy relationship, even a

311

great relationship, I, Maybe people

don't agree with me, but to me, that

312

can be a great enhancer to an to an

already good, experience of life.

313

That can be a great spice, a great,

you know, accompaniment to a great

314

meal, but it is not the substance.

315

You are the substance.

316

You are the, nutrition has

to be gotten from within you.

317

And, that's where I would start with that.

318

So that probably goes in- Does that make

Yes, it does, and thank you for that.

319

And that probably goes into more about,

like, what you, you talk a lot about

320

self-acceptance and self-love, and I

know the old expression, you can't love

321

somebody else until you love yourself.

322

And, you know, there's all those,

like, cliche, like, you know,

323

phrases, those things going around.

324

But that makes sense.

325

So if you are not at that point where you

don't have that great relationship with

326

yourself, how do you start building that?

327

Yeah.

328

I'd love to, love to give a

succinct, a specific answer.

329

Maybe I should be able to.

330

I guess I feel as a therapist,

That becomes very, individuated.

331

it becomes very specific.

332

You know, that becomes our

journey together, you know?

333

Right.

334

Let's set that direction.

335

how, could we begin to

imagine that together?

336

I think I will say this.

337

I think usually that process is,

much less about creating things and

338

much more about letting go of things.

339

So I think it's like we want to

build this beautiful garden, right?

340

We wanna build this beautiful

garden from this vacant lot.

341

it's probably gonna be, you know, 80%

or 85% is gonna be about, you know,

342

clearing away the, dirt, the garbage,

the weeds, the, overgrowth, loosening

343

up the soil that has, you know, been

baked hard by the sun and, you know.

344

It's gonna be more

about, releasing things.

345

And then of course, you know,

we do have to add things.

346

We're gonna plant, we're

gonna plant seeds, we're gonna

347

water it, we're going to…

348

But, it's mostly about clearing away.

349

Because when we clear away, then our

imagination and sense of possibilities,

350

you know, it begin, widens.

351

So I would-- I think I'd work

with a person about what are some

352

things we can begin to let go

of, because we get very rigid.

353

You know, we get very rigidly, and

we-- sort of like where we started

354

at the very beginning, was that

we just assume things are true.

355

You know?

356

Yeah.

357

That's, the way it is.

358

People suck, you know.

359

It-- I learned, you know, I--

never trust anybody, I learned

360

that or, you know, I, no good.

361

You know, I'm a loser.

362

You know, I learned that from my

mother or my father, you know?

363

And, I don't know, you know,

people, I give a small example of

364

this, but it's like here's a, small

example of like, Of assumed truth.

365

And how many times have you been

looking for something, you lost your

366

keys or something, and you, take a

quick look on your, desk or something,

367

and it's not … You don't … Just

a very quick, superficial look.

368

You don't see it.

369

It's not there, so you keep running

around the house and You, whenever

370

your eye casts across the desk,

you're like, "I already checked there.

371

It's not there."

372

And, but you didn't really look.

373

We didn't really look carefully,

and sometimes you say, "All right.

374

Let me look one more time."

375

You take a look and, oh, there it is.

376

You know, it was, I just

didn't look carefully enough.

377

and I think that we, that's assuming

that we already know the answer.

378

And I, think, so it's, I would

start with challenging assumptions.

379

Okay.

380

Do we really, we really

have to see it that way?

381

Is that really, is that

the only way to see things?

382

Maybe it is, and I'm, not it.

383

I'm not saying, you know, I'm not

saying you're wrong, but I'm saying,

384

is that really the only possibility?

385

I think that's-

Well- … where I would start.

386

Yeah, and I explain that to people when

people come to me and they're talking

387

to me, and I'm like, literally, like you

were born this beautiful, divine, joyous

388

creature, and then as people fed you

all this little crap, it was like they

389

were changing the way you looked at the

world, you looked at yourself, and now

390

you've got this pair of glasses on with

19,000 different views and perceptions

391

given to you from someone else.

392

Yeah.

393

So you gotta start peeling those off.

394

You gotta, and you gotta start finding

out, you know, where they come from,

395

peeling them off one at a time.

396

But yeah, that's the,

basis is challenging.

397

So I know people, I know know probably,

and I'm gonna give a big number here,

398

but 100% of the people that come to

you have a very harsh inner critic.

399

Let's just say that.

400

So they're tough on themselves because

of all this crapola that's been fed

401

to them through all these years.

402

So what's like, say that is something

that's going on with someone.

403

What is your, 'cause I tell people to, to

just, every time you get that little inner

404

critic talking and it's sitting on your

shoulder, and like you said, challenge it.

405

Be curious.

406

Why, why would I even say this to myself?

407

I wouldn't say this to my best friend.

408

You know, why would I say this to myself?

409

And start really examining.

410

I mean, you said it perfectly in

the beginning of the interview.

411

You said our most important relationship

is the one we have with ourself.

412

Yeah.

413

Yeah, and I think that that, I like

the, I like the way you, bring up the

414

idea of a inner voice, inner critic.

415

Here's a, here's a thing that might

be helpful, I think, with people is

416

if we're trying to, if we're trying

to encourage self-acceptance and

417

being gentler with ourselves and

more understanding with ourselves-

418

Maybe sometimes we can practice that

with things like that internal critic.

419

You know, for example, think

about our relationship to

420

when we're hearing that voice.

421

we don't think about that as

a relationship, let's say.

422

But what if we thought of that internal

critic as an actual sort of person that

423

is, has this strong point of view, and

they keep reiterating it in different

424

ways or the same ways over and over again?

425

We could, you know, can look at how

we react to that, and we can practice

426

taking a stance of like, "You know,

I'm gonna … This, this, this person

427

keeps kinda showing up, and, they're,

But I'm gonna practice kinda being like,

428

'Okay, I'll be gentle with this person.

429

I, let me … Okay, so go ahead, tell

me your point of view on things.'

430

And like, 'Oh, okay,' you know.

431

And, that's, 'Okay, that's, I hear you.

432

That's your point of view.

433

And, I'm gonna, I'm gonna … Yeah,

I hear you, and I'll take that

434

into account, but I'm gonna also

kinda consider other alternatives.

435

But, you know, thank you for your time.

436

I've got some other things to do now.'"

437

I mean, we can start to kind of … As

opposed to … It's interesting.

438

so like where we started also.

439

I think the way we usually, when we're

unhealthy, are hearing that, we're

440

hearing it like the four-year-old child,

that it's like, "Oh, yeah, that, this,

441

this voice is just telling me the truth.

442

That's all they're doing."

443

You know, it's like they're the caregiver,

they're the unhealthy caregiver, and

444

they're just telling me the way it is.

445

"You're a loser.

446

You'll never amount to anything.

447

I wish I'd never had you," or

I'll, kinda whatever kind of

448

things, like, "You ruined my life."

449

You know, whatever it is.

450

Heard it all.

451

yeah, and it's sort of

like, and it's sort of like,

452

Wow, we could actually hear

this as like, "Oh, this is a

453

character with a point of view.

454

Well, that's your opinion.

455

Oh, okay.

456

All right.

457

That's your opinion.

458

Thanks."

459

But it doesn't have to be like,

"Yeah, oh, yeah," you know?

460

She's just, spitting facts.

461

You know?

462

We can, can take that Things shift

a little bit, and I think all this

463

work is about those little shifts.

464

You know?

465

They're not big dramatic, like,

changes necessarily, but, like, little

466

shifts lead to big changes, right?

467

I mean, the cliche or It's like a, you

make a tiny change in the direction of an

468

ocean liner and in a, in a couple hundred

miles you're, like, pointed in a you know,

469

different part of the world, you know?

470

Right.

471

Right.

472

Yeah.

473

Yeah.

474

No, that makes total sense.

475

And for the people out there listening,

'cause I've had many people tell me,

476

you know, when they wanna work on that

inner critic, 'cause that's a big thing.

477

It's horrible to have negative

conversations with yourself

478

in your own head all day long.

479

It's, exhausting.

480

And I tell them to imagine what

that person looks like, because

481

it's … You'd be really surprised.

482

I mean, you're probably not

surprised, 'cause you've

483

been doing this for 30 years.

484

As to, as to what that

inner critic looks like.

485

As to what that little person

that's blaring these things in

486

the back of your mind to you is.

487

Sometimes it is a younger

version of yourself.

488

Sometimes it's that abuser.

489

Sometimes it's a family member.

490

Sometimes it's nobody they even know.

491

It's just a, big, tall guy . You know?

492

It's like, it's, amazing how,

again, how your mind works.

493

So I, mine happened, I guess

maybe I was just lucky.

494

Mine was a younger version of me, so I

could, visualize and put her on the couch

495

next to me and be like, "Let's chat."

496

Mm-hmm.

497

Not everybody has that luxury.

498

That's also very interesting.

499

That's a very interesting imagery

of, Because when you have that little

500

child on the couch next to you- it

might be easier for the person who's

501

having a hard time being forgiving and

accepting of themselves as they see

502

themselves now, but maybe they can find

themselves being forgiving and gentle

503

and kind to that little girl on the

couch next to them who's also them.

504

Yeah, I remember.

505

I mean, I had a therapist tell me, "Take a

picture of you as a three or four-year-old

506

and put it on your mirror, and every day

tell her you like love her, and, you're

507

there for her," and all that stuff.

508

And it was a whole series of the inner

child work exercises and all that.

509

But when I started that, I

didn't like that little girl.

510

Like, she was weak, and,

like, I was mad at her as…

511

And, it was, and she And I kept going

back, and she kept saying, "Keep doing it.

512

Keep doing it."

513

And I always tell people, it feels

strange, and it feels awkward until it

514

doesn't, until you wake up one morning,

and you look at that little girl and

515

go, "Oh my God, she was so vulnerable.

516

Like, she did nothing wrong."

517

But it could take months.

518

Yeah, for sure.

519

Yeah.

520

It's, a whole process.

521

I mean, you know.

522

You, like I said, you've been doing this

for 30 years, working through this with

523

so many thousands of people, I'm sure,

at this point, and it is a process, but

524

it is one, and you can probably attest

to this, that is 100% worth every minute

525

you spend making yourself, imagining and

being open to the fact that there's a way

526

better place out there if you want it.

527

Completely.

528

Completely.

529

And convince, and working with the

person to emphasize exactly that,

530

that they're worth it, that this is

worth it, that, that the, payoff, the

531

benefit is well worth the, effort.

532

Yeah.

533

Because if you're listening to

this I mean, I always say that too.

534

Maybe that's why I just in my

mind named the podcast Adult Child

535

of Dysfunction, because people

go, "Ooh, da-ding, that's me."

536

So it's, if you're listening to it and you

continue to listen to it, I've had people

537

that have listened to over 200 episodes

of it, that it's because something deep in

538

you knows and wants to find the answers.

539

But there's people like Aaron out

there, and there's, therapists, there's

540

coaches, there's whatever you need.

541

There's 12-step programs.

542

There's anything out there

in the niche or area of your

543

distress, I guess you could say.

544

There's people out there, for sure.

545

Yeah.

546

Yeah.

547

So tell um, tell us what you do

exactly, how you're, you know, how you

548

work with people, and the proximity

of where you can work with them and,

549

what it looks like to work with you.

550

Well, I think it would be, very similar

to kind of the discussion that we had.

551

If there a person was to work with

me, we would kind of touch on most of

552

the themes that we've addressed today.

553

to people that, feel free to come

to our website where we can, we

554

do try to provide a lot of useful,

information, that could be part of a

555

person's, person's healing, journey.

556

It's bostoneveningtherapy.com.

557

If anybody wants to contact me

directly, to, just to ask a question

558

or to, for any reason, it's Aaron,

A-A-R-O-N, @bostoneveningtherapy.com.

559

in terms of clientele, we're, only

able to see, residents of Massachusetts

560

in, psychotherapy, but, we may

be able to help with, referrals

561

to, you're in another state, or

just be helpful in any other way.

562

But, Okay … yeah.

563

Perfect, and I will put that in the show

notes for anybody that is driving, ain't

564

driving, didn't have time to write it

down, or doesn't remember what he said.

565

I know you guys listen to, probably binge

a ton of podcasts and are listening to it.

566

So it will be in the show notes how to

connect with Aaron and how to reach out.

567

Go get there, get the resources.

568

You so deserve it.

569

Aaron, before you leave, first of

all, thank you so much for coming on.

570

Pleasure.

571

And I want to leave you with one

more question for the audience.

572

Mm-hmm.

573

If someone feels, and this came

directly from you, if someone feels

574

stuck in anxiety, shame, or old

patterns, what is one practical

575

shift they can make starting today?

576

say one thing today, I would, step

away from the lot of the concepts

577

we've talked about today and, suggest

578

Get outside in nature,

get outside in sunshine.

579

look at the natural world.

580

You know, I do find that sometimes

that can-- things like that can

581

be very helpful, you know, to

experience, looking at a tree.

582

You know, a tree is not

this magnificent life form.

583

it- you don't get the sense that it's

worried about is it a good enough tree?

584

Is it a strong enough-- Am I strong?

585

Is it a strong enough tree?

586

Are my branches good-looking enough?

587

You know, there are some lessons out

there, and I also think that just, Getting

588

outside into the physical world is also

a metaphor for what we're trying to do,

589

which is getting outside of ourselves.

590

So I think that would

be my first suggestion.

591

I absolutely love this, that you

weren't like, "Get out a journal.

592

Do this.

593

Do that."

594

You're literally like, "Get outside."

595

I had an interview with a, very really

neat, girl a couple months ago, and her

596

name was Kelly Kinney, and literally she

ended it by saying, "Just go hug a tree."

597

Mm.

598

Yeah.

599

I mean, it makes sense.

600

Just being in the earth and grounding,

there's so much to be said for just the

601

energetic properties of nature in general,

and the healing properties it has.

602

So- I think it's one … It might

be one reason why we love, you know,

603

most people, you know, love dogs

so much because they're, they're

604

Very often, you know, you sense a,

peaceness, peacefulness, a, an acceptance,

605

that is, wow, that is beautiful.

606

It's a beautiful thing.

607

Oh, yeah.

608

Yeah.

609

And I love the science behind it.

610

They say, you know, if you're out in

nature, these frequencies are healing,

611

and they say if you have an animal

and you hug them, it literally drops

612

your cortisol levels by X percent.

613

They study these things, so there's not,

you know, it's not this woo-woo stuff.

614

I mean, it's literally … Well,

to me it's common sense.

615

The things that bring you peace

and joy in your heart and your soul

616

are the things you should be doing.

617

So if going to the ocean and putting

your feet in the sand, and putting on

618

your headphones, and not even playing

music, just putting on your headphones

619

so people think you're doing something,

and ignoring the rest of the world, if

620

that's what brings you peace, so be it.

621

Do it.

622

That's- I think that's a

great- … that's what I would do.

623

I think that's a great piece of advice,

too, and I, would encourage that.

624

I would echo that, is, when

you stumble upon things that

625

work, do the hell out of them.

626

You know, keep, at it.

627

Keep … Don't, talk yourself out of it.

628

Don't find reasons why,

"Well, that's stupid.

629

That's …" No, it's not stupid.

630

Do, it.

631

Keep doing it.

632

Absolutely.

633

So again, thank you so

much, Aaron, for coming on.

634

You threw a bunch of little tidbits

in there that I think the listeners

635

will fully enjoy and embrace,

and that's what Adult Child of

636

Dysfunction is all about, our podcast.

637

So thank you.

638

My pleasure.

639

Thank you so much.

640

You're welcome.

641

And for everybody else out

there listening, you heard it.

642

When you stumble, and I don't, I'm

not gonna remember the exact quotes,

643

I never get them exactly right, but

when you stumble upon something that

644

you enjoy doing, do the hell out of it.

645

Indeed.

646

I think that's what he said.

647

So you all have a blessed week,

and we will see you back soon.