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Overcoming Porn Addiction: Tips and Insights From a Porn Detox Coach
Episode 3216th June 2023 • Unshakable Habits • Stephen Box
00:00:00 00:57:15

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Full show notes and links available at unshakablehabits.com/roman-mironov

Episode Summary

Are you ready to break free from porn addiction and transform your life? Join me as I sit down with Roman Mironov, a porn detox coach who has overcome a 17-year addiction to pornography and has been porn-free for 8 years. Discover how porn addiction affects not only individuals but also their relationships, and learn actionable tips to help you or someone you know break free from its grip.

Don't miss this opportunity to hear from someone who has personally overcome porn addiction and now helps others do the same. With Roman's guidance and expertise, you'll learn simple actions to help break the addiction and create a better life for yourself and those around you. Tune in and take the first step towards freedom from porn addiction and a more fulfilling life.

Key Topics

  • The impact of internet accessibility on porn addiction.
  • How isolation and competition in the dating scene contribute to porn addiction.
  • The implications of virtual reality and AI on the future of porn addiction.
  • The dangers of cyberbullying in anti-pornography communities.
  • The negative effects of porn addiction on individuals and relationships.
  • Building and maintaining healthy relationships through leadership and communication.
  • How to break free from porn addiction and create a better life.
  • Tips on having conversations with younger kids about porn and its potential dangers.

Quotes We Loved

  • "Pornography is sometimes not a problem. It becomes a problem when it is an addiction, just like alcohol." - Roman Mironov
  • "When you have the addiction, it makes you feel isolated, you don't feel social, you don't feel confident, you don't want to be around other people, because now you're carrying the secret inside you." - Roman Mironov
  • You cannot concentrate. You find it harder to focus on your work because you taught yourself to be distracted with this thing all the time." - Roman Mironov
  • "Being a leader, especially in your home, is not really about what you're making the other person do. It's about being accountable to yourself." - Stephen Box
  • "Look, there is a better solution. What is it for you? Something simple: meditation, taking a walk, reading a book, being in nature. It's not rocket science, but those ways are sustainable." - Roman Mironov

Transcripts

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Welcome to the Unshakable Habits podcast.

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I'm your host Stephen Box.

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Today we're gonna start with a parental advisory warning for you.

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I know little dramatic sounding, but I wanted to make sure that you were

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aware that today's episode is gonna have some more adult-oriented content.

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So if you have little ones around that you maybe don't want to potentially hear

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this, then by all means, hit the pause button and come back and listen later.

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All right, if you're still here, or maybe you just came back, after

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hitting pause, today's episode is going to be all about something that

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a lot of guys are struggling with, and they're struggling in silence and in

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secrecy, and that is porn addiction.

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That's why I was really excited when my guest today, Roman Mironov

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reached out to me and said, Hey, I want to be on your podcast.

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I wanna spread this message and I want to help other men to hear about this.

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Roman is a porn detox coach, but he is not somebody who just went and

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got a certification or read about this in the textbook somewhere.

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He's someone who had this addiction himself and had to overcome it.

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This is something he dealt with for 17 years, guys.

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And it got so bad at one point that it destroyed his marriage.

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So 32 years of age, Roman finds himself with his marriage in shambles

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and not really knowing what to do with his life and thinks to some of

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the steps that he was able to take.

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He has now.

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Been porn free for eight years, which is absolutely a huge accomplishment.

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And so he really opens up about his story, how he got into pornography, how he got.

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Away from the addiction, how he helps other guys do the same now.

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And we also talk a little bit about, you know, communicating about these things

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with younger, you know, kids, especially teenage boys, and really helping to

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bring a lot of awareness to this episode.

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So guys, if you are personally suffering from this addiction,

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I know you're going to get great value outta this episode today, but.

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Maybe you're not personally suffering from this.

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Maybe this isn't an issue for you.

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I would still ask if you could share this episode out, because there are a lot of

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guys out there who are dealing with this, and like I said, they're not willing to

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come forward and say, I have this problem.

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So they're never gonna tell you.

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You don't know who to share it with.

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So if you could just share it out there, maybe put a note that says,

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Hey, this is a podcast I listen to all the time they did this episode.

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I don't know if anybody needs to hear this.

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But if you do, here it is.

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And I think that would just really help a lot of guys out who are not

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willing to step forward and admit that they need help with this problem.

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So with that, guys, let's jump in and do this.

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Are you ready to break free from your old habits and create a better life

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for yourself and those around you?

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If so, welcome to Unshakable Habits, the podcast dedicated to helping

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men be better husbands, fathers.

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And leaders by prioritizing their physical and mental wellbeing.

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Each week we'll look at health from a 360 degree perspective with

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inspiring stories and practical strategies for building Unshakable

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habits that'll transform your life.

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Join Stephen Box, a board certified health and wellness coach, and let's change

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the world together one habit at a time.

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Allow me to introduce you all to Roman Mi Roman, welcome.

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Hi, Stephen.

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Thank you.

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Thank you for having me.

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It's a pleasure.

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And by the way, guys, that warning, it was very good that Stephen gave

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my point is this, today kids get addicted to pornography around

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eight or seven years, so you, you might actually want them to listen.

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That's a joke.

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I'm kidding.

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Yeah.

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I, but hopefully some of the conversation we have today, even if you don't

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necessarily want your kids to listen to the episode, We'll give you some

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tools that you can then take back and use them to have these conversations

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with, with your kid if you feel like this is something they might run into.

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So we'll talk a little bit about that as well.

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so Roman, first of all, you are a porn recovery expert.

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Am I saying that correctly?

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Yeah, pretty much.

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I call myself a friendly neighborhood porn detox coach,

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Porn detox coach.

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Thank you for the correction there.

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So, talk to me about, why is this even important.

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Because I think for a lot of people, this is something that happens obviously

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in in the privacy of their own homes.

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I think it's illegal for it happen anywhere else, right?

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so for most guys, this is something that's happening in the privacy of

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their own home and it feels like a very victimless thing, right?

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because.

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It's not hurting anyone else or, or at least that's how people feel.

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So can you talk to us a little bit about why this actually is a problem?

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Why is this something that men should want to get out of their lives?

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Okay, let's

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make this distinction from the get-go.

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Pornography is sometimes not a problem.

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It becomes a problem when it is an addiction, just like alcohol.

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Some people might drink it just recreational, and they're

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fine with us, just like me.

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I don't drink it though.

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And.

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It's when you get addicted, that's when it's a problem.

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That's when you're wasting tons of time on it.

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You're wasting a lot of mental firepower because you can, you keep

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thinking about it all the time.

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You keep fighting those urges all the time in your mind.

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Then it makes you feel isolated.

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You don't feel social, you don't feel confident.

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You don't want to be around other people because now you're

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carrying the secret inside you.

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Yes, and if you are shot.

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It will make you even more shy just like it was with me

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when I was a, was a teenager.

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What are some of the signs that somebody might look out for that would tell them

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the difference between if they have a healthy relationship with pornography

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versus if they are addicted to it?

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Definitely.

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The first one is compulsive use.

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When you have an urge and you cannot control it, you just go and watch it.

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Immediately you, you know that this is not good for you, but you find yourself

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grabbing the phone and going to whatever your favorite flavor of pornography is.

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This is one thing.

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Another thing is that you, okay, so you feel that you're not in control,

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and the second thing you realize that it is taken a lot from your life.

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It's taken from your relationship.

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Let's say when you have a partner, now you're cheating on them.

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Now you're hiding from them.

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Now you're are making them miserable because they, they can

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feel that something is wrong.

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And also just in general, it's taken away your productivity, your

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time, let's say your engagement.

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Let's say you're a father and you do have kids, and now because

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you are addicted to pornography, it's on your mind all the time.

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Well, you're not engaged with your kids.

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Yeah.

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So, so let's talk about maybe for that person who, they

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have the addiction, right?

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They, they think about it a lot.

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They, they have trouble controlling their urges, but maybe there are times

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where it's not on their mind, right?

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So maybe right now they're hearing you and they go, well, that's not me because,

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I don't think about it all the time.

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I'm able to be present with my kids.

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I'm able to be present with my wife when I'm with her.

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Right.

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But I, you know, I only think about it sometimes.

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But yeah, I do have some trouble controlling my urges

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when I have the thought.

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Right.

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What, what would you say to those guys?

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I would say that you need to track your activity around pornography,

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install an app on your phone, or just do it by pen and paper.

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Then calculate count the number of hours you spend on it every week.

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Let's say if you find yourself doing your pornography addiction

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every day for one hour or more.

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To me, that sounds like an addiction.

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That's one thing.

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And another thing I also need to mention is that it does have

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negative effects on on your brain.

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This is how it works.

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Look, and, and I will say this, most of all this, of these

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things are anecdotal evidence.

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We do have some studies talking about the negative effects of pornography, but

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let's say when I talk about this damage to, to your brain that's happening, it's

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all anecdotal evidence, and this is what people say, and this is what I felt.

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You cannot concentrate.

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You find it harder to focus on your work because you taught yourself to be

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distracted with this thing all the time.

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You just pick it up and then pick it off the phone and you go on it,

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whether it's pornography, addiction or whatever stimulation you get from it.

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You just get addicted to that.

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Then your memory oftentimes takes a hit even.

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Yeah, both short term and long-term memory, and this is especially true

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for younger guys who need to prepare for exams or have tons of concentration

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in memory in their studies, and they.

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It's like every, every other guy tells me this.

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I have this exam coming up and I just cannot concentrate.

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And I believe that this happens because you, you lose your ability to focus

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because you desensitize yourself to dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter

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that keeps you motivated in the moment.

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Versus serotonin, another neurotransmitter which is more, more into the future.

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It's more long lasting and.

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When you desensitize yourself to dopamine by giving you those dopamine spikes,

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dopamine boost, anytime you want them, by just grabbing your phone and grabbing

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whatever else you want to grab, then you just teach your brain that there is no

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need to focus for longer periods of time, to retain things, to retain memories

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for longer, and it just gets lazy.

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That, that, that's the word.

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Your brain becomes lazier.

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Yeah.

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And I would even argue that it's not necessarily that we're

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making our brains lazy, but our brains are already lazy, right?

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our brains are programmed for one thing specifically,

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and that is to keep us alive.

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and the easiest way to keep us alive is to stick to predictable patterns.

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Our, our brain loves patterns, cause patterns are predictable and

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our brain can kind of anticipate what's gonna happen around us.

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So what Roman is describing here, guys, is you are creating a pattern

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to which your brain locks onto.

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And it's not a pattern that's going to help you in any areas, right?

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You're going to be less productive, you're going to have more trouble focusing.

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You're gonna have all these issues pop up cuz your brain is going to default

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to this pattern that you've given it.

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Rather than the things that are going to be harder to do because

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they haven't been the focus.

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Exactly.

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Our brain is built to avoid pain and pursue pleasure, and

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when you teach it that there is pleasure available all the time.

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You just reach out with your hand and grab it.

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It's there now.

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Your brain says, why, why should I do anything else?

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Why should I focus?

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Why should I, why should I need great memory?

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I will just stay lazy.

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I wanna dive into your story, but before we do, I, I have one thing I want to

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kind of ask you about here and, and just to get your thoughts on this.

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So, you know, I was on your podcast a few weeks ago and we had a great conversation

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about a lot of this stuff, but I started thinking about kind of afterwards, like,

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why is this something that I think.

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Maybe it seems to be a bigger problem now than even what it used to be right now.

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I don't mean to make it seem like it was never a problem before, but I

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think today it might be even worse.

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And what came to mind for me was back in the day, if you wanted

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pornography, you had to go to the store.

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You had to buy a physical magazine, right?

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You had to like bring the magazine home, right?

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It's, it's kind of the equivalent of, like, I tell my clients if they're

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trying to change their diets, right?

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If you know that ice cream is a trigger for you, if you leave a gallon of ice

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cream in the freezer, it's easier to go downstairs, grab it and start eating it.

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Versus if you have to get in the car, you have to get dressed, get in

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the car, drive to the store, buy the ice cream, and bring it back home.

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It's a lot harder to do it right.

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But with the advent of the internet and pornography being so readily available all

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over the internet, I feel like maybe it's a bigger struggle for people now because

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that pornography is in the exact places in which we do most of our activities, right?

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If you go to get on social media, if you go to do some work, if you go to

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check your email, whether you're on your tablets, your phone, or your computer,

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whatever, That's probably the same place that you're accessing the pornography.

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So now those triggers start to kick in it.

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I I, so I'm just curious to hear your thoughts on that.

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Yes, you're you're absolutely right.

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That's one reason.

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And there was a similar reason which, yes, because we are more on the phones now.

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We feel more isolated.

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We're not around other people.

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I mean, we are, but way less than we used to be.

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And let's take Covid for example.

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A lot of people stay at home.

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And porn addiction became one of the, the most popular Google searches

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because now people face this problem.

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They cannot connect to other people.

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They cannot be in a loving relationship.

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It's way harder.

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I mean, it was possible, but it became more difficult.

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What?

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What do they turn to?

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Four.

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This need, this need for connection, this need for love.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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To pornography addiction.

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So this affordability plus growing isolation plus more competition in

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the dating scene yet, and, and just.

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More expectations that people have of their partners.

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It pushes people to, to go to pornography instead of having this

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healthy behaviors, healthy habits, building social skills, being social,

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being engaged with other people.

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It's all, it's like creating this perfect storm.

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And with VR coming very soon, big time, it's going to get even worse.

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Yeah.

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Wow.

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That's, yeah, I hadn't even considered that.

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But yeah, that's, I think a really good point because now it's gonna be more

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immersive and that's just gonna make it even more tempting for people to do.

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Yeah.

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funny enough, this, the movie Matrix, it came out in, I think in 1999, and

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basically it was a huge warning, but instead of heeding the warning, And doing

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the things to avoid what's in the movie, we have been doing the exact opposite.

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We have been moving towards the matrix, putting on this VR glasses on our, on

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our eyes, and just connecting to the internet, connecting to the matrix,

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including our sexual experiences.

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Yeah.

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I mean, look, you know, we we're recording this interview, early 2023.

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And right now the, all the rage is all the AI chat bot stuff and everything else.

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So yeah, when it comes to, you know, artificial intelligence

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and technology, you know, we just don't learn from the movies man.

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Like, you know, so, so, you mentioned also that, and I know kind of like

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half jokingly about, you know, how young, you know, kids are getting

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addicted to, to pornography nowadays.

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And I think in particular for the younger generation right now,

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it kind of goes back to what you were just talking about, right?

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It's that lack of connection.

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they have been brought up to put out this perfect image on social media and

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everywhere else, and I think that one thing that is different for today's

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generation is from like when I was growing up, I'm, I'm turning 45 this year, is.

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I got bullied, I got picked on as a kid.

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I was, I was always like a super short, chubby kid and I moved to a different

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state when I was like seven years old.

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So I had the, the funny accent according to everybody else, right?

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So, so I got picked on a lot, but you know, my bullies were two or three people

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that I would have to see at school.

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And when I left school, I didn't have to see those people.

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I didn't have to deal with them.

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Bullying now, because of social media is a 24 7 thing.

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People can't get away from it, and it just leads to further isolation.

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So I just wanted to kind of point that out because if you are a guy

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who has, you know, especially if, if you have a son that you're worried

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about, you know, this happening with, you know, that's one of the things

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that I think could be helpful here.

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And, and now I want to hear your thoughts on this too,

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Roman, in terms of, a solution.

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But I think making sure that your child has.

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Social activities off of their phone.

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you know, getting them to be around other people, to interact with people

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in real life, is a huge first step.

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Exactly.

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Two things I wanna say.

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What you're saying about bullying, it applies to our topic today.

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So, well just recently a study came out.

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There is this community called No Fap.

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Which is basically guys who are against watching pornography

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and, and masturbation.

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And this study showed that there, there's a lot of bullying going on in

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this community and a lot of negative pressure being put on the members.

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And a lot of people feel suicidal because they keep failing.

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They keep relapsing, they feel that they're not in control.

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And instead of supporting them, other people would push them,

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let them almost like to the edge.

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Now this, this, like cyber bullying.

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It's pretty dangerous.

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So be careful.

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Let's say if you dive into these topics, if you, if you do realize that

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you need help, maybe this community or any, any kind of community is like

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this, they might be a little bit toxic.

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I'm not saying that they are.

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So you need to use caution, but just be aware of that.

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And going back to social activities, I have a 13 year, a 13 year old son.

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And yeah, he doesn't live with me.

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He lives in a different country, but whenever he comes to visit me, I make

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sure that we're social all the time.

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We go hiking.

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Yeah, we make road trips.

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I push him to do, yeah, exercises to build confidence, which is like

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coming up to people saying hi.

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And so on and so forth.

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I, I make sure that he combats this trend that we currently see in our

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society, which is feeling more isolated, being on social media all the time.

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So I want him to have that balance.

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Yes.

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Be on social media, but also build social skills,

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Yeah, absolutely, man.

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So, so with that, I mean, I think that's a good time to kind of

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transition into your story a little bit.

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And kind of help people to maybe see how this, how this all comes about.

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So for you, I was looking at, on your website and, and your addiction

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started when you were 17, correct?

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14.

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14?

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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Thought I was 17 on your website.

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Okay.

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so, so talk to us a little bit about how that started for you.

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Oh, it was, it was pretty, pretty accidental.

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Just, just as you mentioned, I'm an older guy.

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I'm 40 and.

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Back.

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Back then, we had no access to pornography.

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So one of my friends found an old VHS tape, not with an action

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movie, not with a Schwarzenegger Stallone movie, but with porn.

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His parents were hiding it from him.

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So he found it.

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Yeah.

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He started inviting everyone, all his friends and showing the tape

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to them, and I was one of them.

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Yes.

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I got real excited and that was the start of my journey, and I don't

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think I got addicted at this point.

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I just thought that, wow, this is, this is so exciting.

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I mean, I love it and I, I, at that point I thought I could

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not have access to real sex.

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Why?

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Because I was super shy.

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I had this idea that my parents would scold me for having a

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girlfriend, for dating someone, and I did have opportunities.

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I used to go to summer camp and I would usually be social with a girl

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back then in the camp, but when I went home and she reached out to me so that

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we could continue our relationship and build it, I would say no.

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I would literally run away from a girl.

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That's what I did once.

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And yeah, by watching pornography, I, I just, Kept running myself

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into the ground for this.

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I became more shy every year to the point where, yeah, I was so shy in college.

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My, my first year, I could not, I, I was not able to talk to other people.

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I would get, my face would get red.

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I was, I wasn't able to go to the canteen to eat because I was thinking that

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everyone was looking at me and judging me.

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So I would buy food and go to the bathroom and it was getting worse at the same time.

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I, I wanted, I wanted a relationship so badly.

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Like I remember myself almost crying at night because I thought I wanted a

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girlfriend and I knew I had opportunities, but there was this barrier holding me.

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And with pornography, I was just making that barrier stronger and stronger now.

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Yeah.

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Finally, so this is what happened from.

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From the years 16 to 21.

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Those five years, I consider them golden.

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I think those were my best years for dating, building.

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Mm-hmm.

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Building my social skills and also building practical skills.

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But because I was addicted, I did not do that.

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I was held back.

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Like I, I had this anchor holding me back and I finally, I got

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a girlfriend when I was 21.

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And I, I got married later and I went back to watching pornography after

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I had this period of not watching it when I got a girlfriend, because

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I lo I lost that sense of newness.

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I mean, our relationship was good, but at the same time, I wanted more.

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And I taught my, my brain that that newness is, it's

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always there, it's available.

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And just because I wasn't mature enough to realize that, a loving

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relationship is not about newness, it's about building this deeper connection.

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I thought that now I could only use pornography to get that newness.

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So I went to it.

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I was basically cheating on my wife.

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As a result.

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I was not present in my relationship.

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I was not engaged with my son.

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I was.

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I was putting my wife down and, again, I, I did not develop those social

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skills before I lost that opportunity.

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And now as a result, my wife got fed up after 70 years.

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She said, no, I can't.

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I can't take this anymore.

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It wasn't just about my pornography addiction.

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But it was also about me not being a leader in the relationship, not treating

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her like a feminine woman, because I, I, the only thing I knew was to

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treat her like a man because I thought women are pretty much the same as men.

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As a result, she divorced me.

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I had, I, I went very low.

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I was, I, I felt so down.

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I had to move in with my parents.

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I lived in their basement and I was 32.

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At that point, mind you, I lost my apartment.

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I mean, I did not lose it out.

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I, I left it for her, but I felt like I was at the end of, of the rope.

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But this was a turning point for me.

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I said, look, if I'm going to stay addicted to pornography like this,

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I'm going to keep going downhill, and there would be no turning back.

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What was my other option?

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The other option was to stop it.

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Use the time that I freed from watching pornography and excessive masturbation

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to start building social skills.

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And that's, that's how I did it.

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I wanted a girlfriend.

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I started approaching women, talking to them, getting better, understanding

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them better, and that was my solution.

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The, the most, the most basic and the most foundational solution

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to my pornography addiction.

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Getting more social.

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And getting a girlfriend and realizing that having a girlfriend and building

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the deep connection and having great sex, forgetting about this pursuit of

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newness that we guys have, that is way, way better than being addicted to a

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pornography edition, sitting alone in your basement with tissues and your phone.

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Yep.

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Let me back up here for a second.

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You would go off to these camps, you'd have conversations with girls, right?

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It's not as if you had like zero social skills.

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You were able to potentially get into these relationships and have these things.

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How much of it do you feel early on, especially kind of came down to the

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confidence and the fear of rejection.

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Versus, you know, pornography was never going to reject you.

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Right.

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So like how much do you feel like that played a part early on?

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Hmm, that's a good question.

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If, if I, if we go back to summer camp, I don't think I was super

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addicted at that point, just because look, back then I was super social.

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I was around other people there, there was no access to pornography in the camp.

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So it, it was not a problem, but, Go forward.

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Of course.

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Look, I remember distinctly one night I was sitting at home, I think I was

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16 or 17, and I, I knew that there were, there was this place in Ireland

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in my home city that I, I knew I had to go to and there were girls.

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I could be talking to them, but I could not imagine myself doing this.

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Because I had this fear of rejection, of course, and I just

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didn't know what to say to them.

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It's one thing when you are 14 and you're back at the camp and you can

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come up to a girl and talk to her.

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That's way easier.

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Then coming up to a stranger and chatting them up, that I, I had this

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fear and porn became my consolation, I would say to myself, well, yeah,

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I can't, I can't, I can't approach a girl, but at least I have my porn sex.

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It's not, I knew it's not that perfect, but it's all there is for me.

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It's all that I know.

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So maybe it is good enough.

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And by doing this behavior again and again and again, I literally drilled

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this pattern into my brain that this is sex, this is sex, this is sex.

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But it wasn't.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And you know, I talk a lot on, on the podcast about this idea that

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all of our behaviors, Or really attempts to solve a problem, right?

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But the solution that we come up with isn't always the best solution.

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and that's sounds like what you're describing here is that you had

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this, you know, fear of rejection and your solution to it became to kind

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of fall back onto the pornography, which you already had in your life.

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And then, like we talked about earlier, about teaching our brain patterns.

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You taught your brain that pattern, and so then your brain started to

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default to that pattern because it felt safer and And it felt easier to do.

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Exactly.

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And another, another root cause for me was newness.

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When I was married, I felt that, I felt this dislike of newness.

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I mean, our sex was exciting the first two years, but then it kind of went downhill.

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And as I mentioned before, I went to corn for Nunes, but.

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That was the wrong way to approach my root cause.

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The way to deal with that psychological deficit was to find out how you build

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newness in a different way, in a more sustainable way, which is deepening your

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connection, having longer conversations, making sure that you love the partner

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unconditionally, making sure that you'll, you love putting a smile

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on their face and things like that.

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That's how you build that newness, that's how you bring it back.

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It is possible, but there are sustainable ways versus this completely

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unsustainable pattern of getting newness.

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Let's actually kind tie this in real quick.

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There's two things here.

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There's pornography, which is really the focus of our conversation, but I think

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there's another part of this, which is when people actually go out and cheat.

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These both stem from the same exact problem that you are in

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a relationship, but you're not connected to that relationship.

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So, for a lot of guys I think, maybe they're listening to this and they're

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going, well, I don't have a pornography addiction, but you have a sex addiction.

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Where you feel like you constantly need it, and if you're not doing

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the things you're supposed to do in your relationship as a man, right.

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If you're not being that leader in your house, then you're probably not having

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the sex that you want to have, and then you probably don't have the connection

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you want to, that you wanna have.

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And now you probably are blaming your, your wife, girlfriend, whatever, for

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the problems in your relationship.

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Exactly.

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Exactly.

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Exactly.

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And also, As if you're not a leader in the relationship, you don't like

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yourself, and because you don't like yourself, you are now projecting that

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feeling onto your wife because you're feeling that she is not making you happy.

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That's her fault.

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But look, yeah, we need to start with ourselves.

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We need to really see that it's, it's about our testosterone when we are,

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when you are a leader in your household.

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When you can't lead your woman, when you are engaged, when you are 100% present,

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when you're doing the right things, when you lead her into the, into a

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better future, both for you and for her.

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You feel that Bruce helped testosterone and that makes you feel love more.

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It makes you love her more.

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Yeah.

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So, so there's two things I wanna touch on here.

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so one I want to just real quickly talk about in your relationship,

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How much of this was happening before you got divorced?

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And, and then also we'll kind of piggyback after that and talk about what is it

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actually look like to be a leader?

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Is that, cause I think that there's a lot of people out there that maybe don't

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have the right idea of what leadership and a relationship and looks like.

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so let's start with, you know, when you were going through this and, and you,

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you had the newness wear off, you turned back to pornography and all those things.

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Did you start blaming your wife?

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Did, did you start projecting these things onto her and like if so,

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like how did that play out for you?

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100% percent.

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The very first thing I did, she gave birth to our son and she

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gained some weight, which happens a a lot of the time and right.

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I said, okay, now you don't look too great.

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You don't look as good as you did before.

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So I was blaming her for gaining weight.

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Then I told her, you have to lose weight.

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This, this is crazy.

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When we talk about leadership, that's not how you lead.

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You lead by example.

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I shouldn't have gone to the gym.

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I should have hit the gym, made myself look better.

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Just, just went into better shape and I never did.

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I was blaming her and at the same time, the second part of my

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quote unquote solution was to go.

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To my office and spend my entire day there.

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I was not being at home watching pornography, watching

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TV shows, eating junk food.

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That was my version of checking out from a millennial.

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And yeah, that was my way of dealing with, with the situation.

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I felt I was a victim.

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I was at the fact of what's happening.

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She, she now, she was not in shape.

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And what could I do?

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I told her to lose.

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Wait.

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She failed to do that.

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So now I have, now I have my justification to watch pornography and

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to get all my newness from from there.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And, and I can imagine kind of on the other side of that, right,

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is from her perspective, she just went through, I mean, really.

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It's a trauma right?

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Of, of giving birth to a child, your child.

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And, you know, she already feels unattractive.

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She's already feeling down on herself.

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And now you come and you're like, look, you need to lose weight.

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You need to get back in shape.

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You need to, you don't, you're not as hot as you were.

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Right?

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And then when you turned to the pornography, you

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started leaving the house.

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You started being gone all the time.

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You started disengaging.

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Now she's left to kind of take care of the kid on her own.

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Right?

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Because you're not there.

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And you know, it's like in hindsight, you know, anybody should be able to look at it

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and go, well, no wonder you got divorced.

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Right?

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But in the moment you can't see it.

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No.

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No.

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You just feel pain and, and you say to yourself, I'm going to do anything

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that's possible to avoid that pain.

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And then your brain goes, wait a sec.

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I know what gives me gives me a lot of pleasure to overcome that pain.

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Like, just, just to override it.

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Yeah.

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Let's go back to that pattern that I've been drilling into

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my mind for the past 15 years.

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Boom.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And, and, and so guys, I've, I wanna make this clear.

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So whether it's pornography for you or whether it is sex outside

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of your relationship, They both stem from the same place.

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And, and they're both problematic for the same reasons.

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And, and I think that's especially important for those guys who maybe

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it's just a pornography because they may be justifying to themselves

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in their head that it's not as bad because at least they're not out

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there having sex with other women.

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Yes.

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And

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to get back to the second part of your question that you wanted to

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talk about is about being a leader.

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Yep.

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I think for me, I think I made two biggest mistakes about

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being a leader or maybe three.

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Three.

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So the first one was not not having integrity.

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And for, for me, that was basically cheating off on my wife

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when I, when I went and watched porn when I was so decent, girl.

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That was one thing, and women are very sensitive about those things, and I'm

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sure that she could read that off of me.

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I was, I was having that low vibration energy, that low vibe for sure.

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The second mistake was changing my mind.

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Again, that comes to, comes back to integrity because I would say

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one thing and then I would just not keep my promise to her, or I

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would change my mind all the time.

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That's a huge thing.

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Women hate this as a leader.

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They want you to make a decision and to stick to it.

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Yes, of course you can.

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Course correct.

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Yeah.

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Yes.

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You need to be transparent about this.

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You cannot just, just change your decision.

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Single-handedly and, and not tell her about it.

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She will be, she will be very, very surprised in a negative way.

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And let's say the third, the third reason.

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And that, that was so huge in my, in my relationship with her

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not having confidence, let's say.

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I remember even when we started, there was a situation when I, I, I asked

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her to stay overnight at my place.

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We had to go and ask her mother to allow her to do that.

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So we came, we came up to her mom and she said, okay, mom.

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So I wanna stay, I wanna spend this night at Roman's place.

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And mom would say, no, you can't do that.

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And at the same, at the same time, I, I felt so shy.

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And I said, no, no, no, no.

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We don't really want to do this.

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So, yeah, don't worry.

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So I, I backed out of our mutual decision and she was so angry at this point.

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Because I kind Yeah.

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Yes.

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That was, yeah.

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Yeah.

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Three, three mistakes, three things that help you be a better leader

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if you not make those mistakes.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And, and I love the fact that what you pointed out there, it was nothing about

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dominating your, your significant other.

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It wasn't about making them do anything.

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Right.

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Because I think a lot of times when we think about, you know, being

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a leader in the family, that's kind of the way we things, right?

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And it's being a leader, especially in your home, is not really about what

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you're making the other person do.

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It's about being accountable to yourself, right?

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It's about making decisions.

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Yes, there are gonna be times where you might ask your, your wife or

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girlfriend for input on things, right?

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You, you want to consider them as well.

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But once a decision has been made, stick with it, right?

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Like, don't, don't go wishy-washy on things.

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Like really, you need to, as a man, be confident in the decisions that you make.

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And I think for a lot of guys where this becomes problematic is, We like

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to think that we're not emotional, but the reality is we have a lot

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of emotions and we react to them.

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And one of the things that comes out of those emotional reactions is that

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we make rash decisions that once we kind of like calm down and we have a

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chance to think about them logically, we start to back out of them.

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True, true.

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And another big mistake that I made is I created fights with her all the time.

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That was, that was a big mistake.

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Yeah.

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I have a coaching client right now who is in a similar situation.

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He's going through a lot of trouble in his work because he

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is, he's building a new business.

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He's so stressed and that he takes that stress out on his

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girlfriend and she so amazing.

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She does not deserve this at all.

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And he knows this.

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Yeah.

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But he cannot stop.

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And if you are, if you create fights like he does or like I did, Look, you are

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doing it so wrong because those fights, they're not contributing to anything.

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They're only making things worse.

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Your mental health, her mental health, your relationship, the future of your

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relationship, it's only getting worse.

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So look, one question that I, I keep reminding, I keep

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asking, oh, my client is this.

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What else could you be doing with this time that you waste on fights?

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It's so unproductive.

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What if you could just go and use that time to help someone together?

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How, how would it help that other person and how would it build your

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relationship By doing positive things?

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By contributing, that's, that's such different perspective

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and that's leadership.

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Yep.

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And, and you know, I'll just add one quick thing to this, right?

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Something that we do not think about a lot of times is we create

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our own environment, right?

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So if you are stressed, like you, you gave the example with your

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client of starting a new business.

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I, I've, I've been there, I have my own business.

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I know how stressful it can be at times, especially when you're

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trying to do a lot of things.

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And especially as guys were told.

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To do everything go all in all the time and it's not sustainable and,

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and you're gonna stress yourself out.

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But here's the thing, guys, when we stress ourselves out, right, when we put way too

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much on our plate, number one, it's going to start having a negative impact, right?

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So it's going to have a negative impact on your relationship.

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Maybe you do start to pick those fights and, and for a lot of you guys, maybe when

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you pick those fights, you're using them as justification to run to pornography.

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Or whatever other addiction you might have, whether that's alcohol, whatever.

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Right?

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So when you start to put yourself in these situations, you're inviting

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back in those unwanted habits.

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The other thing that I think a lot of people kinda maybe don't

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think about when it comes to these things is you are creating a

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negative feedback loop in your mind.

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That creates negativity around you.

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When you surround yourself with negativity, when you have negative

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words coming outta your mouth, negative thoughts, you're creating

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negativity in your environment, negativity in your relationships.

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What you do, in essence, is you shut off all ability for

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positivity to come into your life.

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So your business is going to continue to struggle because you are not.

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Allowing positivity into your business, you're only allowing

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negativity into your business.

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Your relationships are gonna struggle because they're

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surrounded only with negativity.

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And if you have this one thing that you feel like you can always

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go back to as your comfort, guess what you're gonna run back to every

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single time in those situations.

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So when we talk about this, it's not just about.

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Oh, stop watching pornography.

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It's not that simple.

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There are other things in your life that you have to fix and, and that's

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really what we've been talking about this entire episode, right?

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Is the social skills, the confidence, right?

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The communication skills, developing those skills so that you can overcome this

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addiction, cuz it's not about just using willpower to overcome addiction, right?

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Exactly, exactly.

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And maybe to, to give, a simple example is this.

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Oftentimes guys want to watch porn because they're stressed and they feel

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that this will relieve their stress.

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It's true.

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It will relieve it in the moment you get this hormone prolactin

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released after masturbation.

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It makes you feel good, but then yeah, when it WANs off, you

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feel even more stressed because now you're beating yourself up.

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You know that this was a wrong thing to do, so you become even more stressful.

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What's the solution?

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The solution is to find a way out of feeling stressful in a sustainable way.

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Just like we talked before, there is a better solution.

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What is it for you?

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Something simple.

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Meditation.

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Taking a walk.

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Reading a book, being in nature.

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It's not rocket science, but those ways they are sustainable.

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Even though you have developed this justification, this rationalization

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that porn is the best stress reliever, it is not, it's one of

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the biggest lies in the world.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I, I'll share a, a quick story here.

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It's not related to pornography specifically, but the concept

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is the exact same, right.

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When I was really overweight, I was working at the time in retail

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management, so I was working in the mall and the food court was right there.

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And so I had convinced myself that when I ate breakfast at home that that wasn't

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enough food for me, that I would still be hungry no matter how much of it I ate.

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I was absolutely convinced that I was going to be hungry like an hour later.

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But if I went over to the Chick-fil-A, that was like literally across the hall

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from our store and I got a chicken, egg and cheese bagel and a hash

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brown, that that would keep me full to lunchtime, that's what I believed.

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And because I had convinced myself that that was true, that's exactly

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what you know, actually came out right.

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When I would try to eat something else, I would feel hungry an hour later.

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Cause I had told my body, Send me hunger signals.

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I told my body to tell me I'm hungry an hour later versus when I ate

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the Chick-fil-A, I told my body, okay, you're good until lunchtime.

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And I literally believed that to be true for a good year.

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And it wasn't until I started changing my eating patterns and

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really learning what my hunger signals were and getting in, touch with my

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body and learning those signals.

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That I realized how absolutely ridiculous that belief was.

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Right.

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But I couldn't see it in the moment.

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In the moment.

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It felt absolutely real.

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Exactly.

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Exactly.

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And I, I have, a similar story of this crazy belief that I had and

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I actual, I think I lost two and a half years because of that belief.

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And this is what happened.

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I was, I was 26 I think, and my dog died.

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And I love that dog so much, and.

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I thought that I could have saved it and I blamed myself for it.

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And every morning after his death, I would wake up and I would scan

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my environment and my mind, and I would say to myself, okay, there

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is, there is something that does not allow me to feel good, to feel happy.

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What is it?

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And then I would remember, oh, this is what happened.

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That quote unquote tragedy.

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And I've been, I've had this depression, mild depression.

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For two and a half years because of that belief.

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And now thinking back, that was so stupid.

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Look, if I had a coach or a therapist or a mentor or anyone mature enough

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to tell me, what are you doing?

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That's just a dog there is like you are not to blame.

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I mean, someone could have challenged me.

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That would've been so easy and I would've never developed that depression, but I

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lost two and a half years of my life just because I did not have that feedback.

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And this is where I think the idea of coaching comes in

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because it is so important.

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We just, like Bill Gates said, we all need feedback.

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We all need a different perspective.

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Just like with your habit for that one year, as you were working as a retail

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manager, if someone told you, if someone challenged you and told you, What are you

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talking about that like makes no sense and hearing other person say that that

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is so crucial and I think this is one of the biggest problem with porn addiction.

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It's already super secretive.

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You keep it secret from everyone else and then if you want to get feedback and

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you want to get help, it's, it's, it's so difficult to reach out to someone

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because especially as guys, we are wired.

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Not to one help, not to one feedback, not to ask for a device.

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So it's a double problem.

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Yeah.

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And, and, and I will just add to that real quick and say that I think

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it's important that you have someone you can reach out to that you don't

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have a personal relationship with.

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Because in my instance, my wife told me that what I believed was stupid.

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Right.

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And she actually said it to me, she goes, that makes no sense.

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But because.

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It was my wife, because the relationship was there.

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I felt that this was just her trying to get me to do something right?

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Like I convinced myself that her intentions weren't in my best interest,

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so they were in her best, right?

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I mean, I don't know how in hindsight that would've benefited her, but that's

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what I believed in the moment, right?

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So I would just say if you.

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If you do have someone in your life who has told you this and you're

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still struggling with it, like reach out to someone who has no

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vested interest in you changing.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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J just like with your parents, your parents will never listen to you.

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They will never take any advice because after all, they change your diapers.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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They just can't take you seriously.

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Right.

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Uh, So Roman, before we wrap up here, I know you have a free resource.

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It's a way to stop porn addiction in 30 days.

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how do people get that from you?

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All right.

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You need to go to romanmironov.com/free.

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Spell this r o m a n m i r o n o v.com/free.

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This is a structured system, completely free.

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You just need to sign up to my email list, which is a good

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thing because we'll be in touch.

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I'll be helping you personally.

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You grab the free course, you take the the step by step system.

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You create that no pornography battle system for you, and now when the next

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urge comes, you know exactly what to do.

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You get rid of that thing.

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Now you feel better about yourself.

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You don't hate yourself.

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You feel that you can actualize all that potential that was

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being constrained in you.

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Now it's all available to you.

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You can tap it.

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What's there for you?

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The success that you want?

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Great career, an amazing business.

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You're super competitive, an amazing relationship.

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A girl that you always dreamed of.

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Now you can, you, you become more attractive to her and now you can

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attract her and now you're more social and you're just feeling

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happier on a day-to-day basis.

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Because you don't need to blame yourself.

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You don't need to fight your pornography demons in your mind, you're free.

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Yeah, that feeling is golden.

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It's priceless.

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So go for it right now.

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Don't just listen like most people do, but take action now.

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Take the course completely free and get free.

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Love it, man.

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Appreciate that.

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And, and you know, guys, I, I just wanna say, you know, a lot of times

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I like to kind of end these episodes with, you know, like an action step.

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And this is one of those things where I truly believe, like, you know, having had

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two conversations now with Roman, having, you know, checked out his website, seeing

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what's on there, that this is really gonna be the best first step, right?

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So we're not even gonna talk about other first steps to take or whatever.

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I mean, it's an absolutely free course.

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It makes no sense to not do it right, just go download it.

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you know, if you're like super secretive, like just that worried

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about it, create a new email account.

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Like what?

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Hide your identity, do whatever you need to do.

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To, to make this happen because I, I do believe this is one of those habits,

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and, and, and guys, it is a habit, right?

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It's something that people are just doing.

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When you have this habit, it is impacting your life in so many negative ways.

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It's affecting your relationships, it's affecting your productivity, it's

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affecting your confidence, and those things turn into a vicious cycle, right?

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And that's going to ultimately impact your physical health.

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It's having an impact on your mental health, your emotional health.

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It's impacting your environment, your relationships.

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It's also disconnecting you from your bigger why in your life.

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A and you know, those are all the things I always talk about with

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connected health and on the podcast.

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So this to me is one of those things that if you are struggling with, I highly,

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highly encourage for you to take that first step, download this, you know, free

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guy that Roman has for you and, and, and break this addiction so that you can start

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to become the person that you want to be.

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Exactly.

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Very well said.

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Look, remember that principle.

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Garbage in, garbage out.

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If you feed pornography to your mind, what comes out of you?

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Bad health.

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Yep.

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Bad mood.

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Zero.

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Confidence.

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Lack of productivity, lack of focus.

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Do you want that or do you want the opposite?

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If you want the opposite, start feeding good stuff.

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Start feeding positive and uplifting information to your brain.

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I don't think pornography is, is that type of information

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Yeah.

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Soro.

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Outside of your website, is there anywhere else that you would like to, tell people

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that they would, should connect with you?

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Yes.

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in terms of social media, I am, I'm active on TikTok, on,

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on Instagram and on YouTube.

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I think my YouTube community is the largest one and the most active one.

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So if you want to be a part of that of that hero community of

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people who want to become better versions of themselves by stopping

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watching pornography, check it out.

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the handle is, he is hero.

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Okay, awesome.

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and I will have links to your website, the free guide, all your

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social media in the show notes.

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I'll also post a link to the interview that you and I did on your

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podcast, in the show notes as well, so that people can check that out.

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Also, any final thoughts or ideas that you would like to leave people with today?

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I will say this, so outside of taking the course, Look, breaking your addiction

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to pornography is not super difficult.

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The actions that you need to take, they're not rocket science.

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They all about getting your life together and doing simple things.

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Just like we talked about.

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Reading a book.

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Yeah, taking a walk, meditating, going on a road trip.

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Being out in nature, picking up your phone, not to watch pornography, but

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call a friend or call your, yeah, let's say parents or your kids, whatever.

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These are very basic, basic things that will sort of replenish you in a way

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that's more sustainable than pornography.

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So don't overthink.

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Just start building your life.

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Getting your life together.

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And what, okay, let me leave it for this one simple example.

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Make sure that your room or your house is clean.

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When it's clean, you feel organized, your brain feels organized, your mind

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feels more organized and ready to go.

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It's not, it'll, it's less lazy, it's more engaged.

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Mm-hmm.

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One simple activity can make a very big difference.

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Yeah.

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And, and I'll just throw one there, and this works with other habits as well.

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when you are cleaning, Move some things around a little bit.

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Just change your environment.

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You'll be surprised at how simple changing a routine or changing a

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physical environment can have such an impact on the things that you

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do because we are breaking those patterns that your brain has adapted.

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So I think that's fantastic advice, man.

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Appreciate it.

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Thank you for the opportunity.

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Yeah.

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So it does, thank for, taking the time to come on and, and share your insights

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and, and your wisdom with us Roman.

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hope that everybody goes and checks out that free guide, that you have to offer.

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And I just want to remind everyone that while none of us are born Unshakable,

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we all can become unshakable.

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Thank you for listening to the Unshakable Habits podcast with Coach Stephen Box.

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Be sure to hit the subscribe button and help us spread the word by

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sharing the podcast with other men.

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If you are ready to create Unshakable habits, you can learn more and connect

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