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Change Your Questions, Change Your Future | RR278
Episode 2781st October 2024 • Relationships Rule • Janice Porter
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Ever wonder how a psychotherapist becomes a stand-up comic?

In this episode, we dive into the fascinating world of Elliot Connie, a psychotherapist, author, podcaster, and founder of Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT). Elliot shares his journey from a tough childhood and a stint in marine biology to discovering his passion for helping others through psychology. He talks about how SFBT flips traditional therapy on its head by focusing on hope and asking the right questions to inspire change, rather than just digging into problems.


Elliot opens up about facing pushback from traditional therapists but stuck with his approach because it works. He explains why hope isn’t just a wish—it’s the fuel that drives action and transformation. We also hear about a defining moment in his life when he realized his resilience was his superpower, inspiring him to help others discover their own strengths.


He gives us a glimpse into his upcoming book, "Change Your Questions, Change Your Future," which teaches readers how to use powerful questions to reshape their lives. And if that’s not enough, Elliot is also gearing up for his new TV show, set to begin filming in 2025. Plus, we learn about his unexpected journey into stand-up comedy, thanks to a nudge from Tiffany Haddish, proving that you never know where your talents might take you.


Join us for an inspiring conversation that’s all about embracing hope, finding your strengths, and daring to be different!


Discover:


  • Elliot’s journey from a tough upbringing and marine biology to psychology shows how embracing change can lead to unexpected paths.


  • How Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) challenges traditional therapy by focusing on hope and asking the right questions to drive positive change.


  • That hope isn’t just wishful thinking; it’s a crucial element that motivates us to take action and overcome challenges.


  • How everyone has a unique superpower; finding it means looking past comparisons and embracing your own strengths.


  • Elliot’s new book, “Change Your Questions, Change Your Future,” teaches how asking the right questions can transform your life.


  • Why stepping out of your comfort zone, like Elliot’s venture into stand-up comedy with Tiffany Haddish’s encouragement, can reveal hidden talents and open new doors.


Connect with Elliot:

Email: elliott@elliottconnie.com

Website: https://elliottconnie.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elliottspeaks

X: https://x.com/ElliottSpeaks

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elliottspeaks/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/elliott-connie-852b787/


In appreciation for being here, I have some gifts for you:

A LinkedIn Checklist for setting up your fully optimized Profile:

An opportunity to test drive the Follow Up system I recommend by taking the

3 Card Sampler – you won’t regret it.


AND … Don’t forget to connect with me on LinkedIn and be eligible for my

complimentary LinkedIn profile audit – I do one each month for a lucky

listener!


Connect with me:

http://JanicePorter.com

https://www.linkedin.com/in/janiceporter/

https://www.facebook.com/janiceporter1

https://www.instagram.com/socjanice/


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Transcripts

Janice Porter:

So let's see. Yeah, it's still saying it's

Janice Porter:

full, but it hasn't deleted what I told it to delete, but I think

Janice Porter:

it's okay. Alright. Hello and welcome to the show. I am very

Janice Porter:

excited about my guest this week, Elliot Connie, who's

Janice Porter:

coming to us from his new digs in LA but actually lives in

Janice Porter:

Texas, so we'll have to hear more about that as we get into

Janice Porter:

the show. So welcome. First of all, Elliot, welcome to the

Janice Porter:

show.

Elliot Connie:

Thank you for having me

Janice Porter:

My pleasure. I don't really want to just read

Janice Porter:

this whole thing about you, but I want to just because that's

Janice Porter:

boring for you and but I know there's so much about you.

Janice Porter:

You're a complicated guy. You have a lot going on. And so I

Janice Porter:

will just briefly say that when I first met you through a

Janice Porter:

friend, a new friend, he spoke very highly of you, and you

Janice Porter:

range from being a clinically trained psychotherapist to an

Janice Porter:

author, to a podcaster, to a founder of I think your your

Janice Porter:

heart work, which is your sfbt solution focused brief therapy,

Janice Porter:

which I'll get you to explain in a minute. And then I find out

Janice Porter:

that you're also a stand up comic So, and soon to be a TV

Janice Porter:

show host, so I'm very excited to hear more about it, and I

Janice Porter:

want to dig in. So let's start at the at the heart of of what

Janice Porter:

you do, because I know you have a new book that's coming out or

Janice Porter:

is about out as we as this show airs, it's probably going to be

Janice Porter:

out at the end of August. Is that correct?

Elliot Connie:

No, we're going to, we're probably going to

Elliot Connie:

start filming in early 2025 and it will be out, Oh,

Janice Porter:

next. Okay, fantastic. And the book is

Janice Porter:

called,

Elliot Connie:

oh, the book, yes. Oh, the

Janice Porter:

TV show's going to start in 2025 Yeah. The book,

Janice Porter:

yes, August 26 so it will be out when, when this show airs, and

Janice Porter:

it's called, change your questions, change your future,

Elliot Connie:

exactly yes. So

Janice Porter:

before we get into that, let's talk about the

Janice Porter:

sfbt, because I know that's at the heart of everything that you

Janice Porter:

do, correct

Elliot Connie:

Absolutely yes.

Janice Porter:

So tell us a little bit about that.

Elliot Connie:

So sfbt stands for solution, focused brief

Elliot Connie:

therapy. And like many people, I had a very difficult childhood,

Elliot Connie:

and my transition into adulthood was just not easy, and was just

Elliot Connie:

loaded with very difficult times. And at some point so and

Elliot Connie:

I went to college, I wanted to play baseball. Actually, I had

Elliot Connie:

no aspirations professionally or career wise. It was just I was

Elliot Connie:

good at baseball, and once I was done with high school, the next

Elliot Connie:

place I could continue to play baseball was college.

Janice Porter:

Sound like my daughter with basketball? It was

Janice Porter:

the same thing, yeah,

Elliot Connie:

and baseball was like the one through line of

Elliot Connie:

like joy and happiness in an otherwise pretty tumultuous

Elliot Connie:

childhood. And while I was in college, I majored in marine

Elliot Connie:

biology because I liked the ocean. But through a few twists

Elliot Connie:

and turns, I realized like I wanted my struggle and my pain

Elliot Connie:

to have a purpose, and I wanted to make a difference, and I

Elliot Connie:

wanted to help people if I could, that were dealing with

Elliot Connie:

hard times as well. So I changed my major from marine biology to

Elliot Connie:

psychology, wow, just because I figured, like that's where I

Elliot Connie:

would find journey. Didn't know I would ultimately become a

Elliot Connie:

psychotherapist and all the other things you listed, I just,

Elliot Connie:

I just thought, if I want to help people, I should probably

Elliot Connie:

study psychology. And I did, and it was one of those things that

Elliot Connie:

completely like redirected my life. And I remember getting to

Elliot Connie:

the point of graduation and realizing that a psychology

Elliot Connie:

degree and undergraduate psychology degree is almost

Elliot Connie:

worthless, like it's nothing really you can do with it. And

Elliot Connie:

towards the end of my studies, one of my professors said this

Elliot Connie:

thing that I almost couldn't believe. They said that the

Elliot Connie:

school I was attending, Texas, Wesleyan University, is creating

Elliot Connie:

a graduate school in counseling, and we would like you to attend.

Elliot Connie:

Oh, wow. And I was like, wow. Like, that is crazy. So yeah,

Elliot Connie:

sign me up so I go to graduate school and learn something

Elliot Connie:

unbelievably disheartening, and that is, and I don't mean to say

Elliot Connie:

this to freak anybody out, but when you're in graduate school

Elliot Connie:

studying to become a psychotherapist, you're actually

Elliot Connie:

not learning how to help people. You're learning how to diagnose

Elliot Connie:

them, and you're you're learning how to assess them. You. And

Elliot Connie:

that was really difficult for me, because I really wanted to

Elliot Connie:

help people, and you don't help people just by telling them

Elliot Connie:

what's wrong with them, right? Like that may be a part of it,

Elliot Connie:

depending on the way you do this job, but that's not inherently

Elliot Connie:

how you do it. So I was really struggling, like, really, really

Elliot Connie:

struggling with that. And then, I don't know, I was at a point

Elliot Connie:

where I was going to quit school. I was at a point where

Elliot Connie:

it's like, I'm done because I don't want to do this. And in

Elliot Connie:

one class, there was a book we were reading that had a whole

Elliot Connie:

bunch of psychotherapy theories. You know, there's some stuff in

Elliot Connie:

this book about Sigmund, Freud, Alfred Adler, Carl young, so on

Elliot Connie:

and so on. And two and a half pages of this book was about

Elliot Connie:

solution focused brief therapy. And it was the first time I'd

Elliot Connie:

ever read anything that sounded to me like, Oh, you're like,

Elliot Connie:

actually helping people. And I was mesmerized by it. I later

Elliot Connie:

learned that it's kind of like the the like off in the corner,

Elliot Connie:

fringe, kind of way of doing therapy at the time, like most

Elliot Connie:

people weren't practicing this way, or most people didn't know

Elliot Connie:

what this was, but I was just enamored. Like the most

Elliot Connie:

important ingredient to change is hope, and solution focused

Elliot Connie:

brief therapy is an approach based on hope, and now I'm

Elliot Connie:

finally reading about that, and it made me decide not to quit

Elliot Connie:

graduate school, to stay the course. I'm so glad I did,

Elliot Connie:

because it completely changed my life. And a little bit about

Elliot Connie:

what solution focused brief therapy is, if you've ever been

Elliot Connie:

to therapy, the first question your therapist likely asked you

Elliot Connie:

is, what brings you in. And the difficulty with that is, if I

Elliot Connie:

start a question off with what brings you in, then I'm

Elliot Connie:

naturally orienting your brain to the problem. So let's say

Elliot Connie:

like what brings you in is you discovered your partner having

Elliot Connie:

an affair, and you walked in my office, I don't know you at all,

Elliot Connie:

and I say, So what brings you in? You have to talk about the

Elliot Connie:

most traumatic, difficult, hardest thing, like,

Elliot Connie:

immediately. So what if we started therapy with, what are

Elliot Connie:

your best hopes from being here? Like, what if we started therapy

Elliot Connie:

with hoping to achieve now that you're here, we're still aware

Elliot Connie:

that the problem is there, but we're actually going to start

Elliot Connie:

the work from a place of optimism, hope, and those are

Elliot Connie:

the ways that you create change. And I've spent my career

Elliot Connie:

traveling around the world, writing books, doing all kinds

Elliot Connie:

of things to make clinicians and people more aware that this is

Elliot Connie:

actually how you create change in your life.

Janice Porter:

So have you had pushback from the

Janice Porter:

traditionalists, or have you, have you opened people's eyes to

Janice Porter:

a new way of of be doing therapy.

Elliot Connie:

I think, I think the answer to that is yes, both

Elliot Connie:

have happened. I've had pushback from the traditionalists. I

Elliot Connie:

remember I was one of my first jobs in this field when I

Elliot Connie:

graduated and I got my license. And, you know, I was working as

Elliot Connie:

a psychotherapist at an agency. I eventually opened my own

Elliot Connie:

practice, but my first place of work was at this agency, and I

Elliot Connie:

remember, and I was so excited about the work I was doing. And,

Elliot Connie:

you know, sometimes you're so excited, you're like,

Elliot Connie:

delusionally excited, yeah, assume everybody else will be

Elliot Connie:

just as excited as you right? And I was so excited. And I was

Elliot Connie:

in this staff meeting, and I was talking about the work that I do

Elliot Connie:

with this, you know, sfbt. And there was this woman in the in

Elliot Connie:

the room who was a very seasoned psychotherapist, and she got

Elliot Connie:

really annoyed with me, and she said, everybody knows that you

Elliot Connie:

can't do therapy that way, and everybody knows that you you

Elliot Connie:

have to spend three sessions assessing the client problem.

Elliot Connie:

And I was and she was like, really, like, yelling at me in

Elliot Connie:

front of everybody about about this. And that's been, you know,

Elliot Connie:

that has happened. But you know, when you believe in what you do

Elliot Connie:

and you believe in people, you just carry on. And I think I've

Elliot Connie:

also opened a lot of eyes. And now solution focused, brief

Elliot Connie:

therapy isn't just off in the corner of the psychotherapy

Elliot Connie:

field. It's very much mainstream, and part of that is

Elliot Connie:

because of the massive following that I've been able to build in

Elliot Connie:

my in my work. So yeah, there were definitely people that

Elliot Connie:

struggle to understand but once you experience it, you can't,

Elliot Connie:

you can't unexperience it. So,

Janice Porter:

so the other thing, the other question that

Janice Porter:

comes to my mind when you just said that it was hope based.

Janice Porter:

It's funny, because I have this, this thing about the word hope,

Janice Porter:

and sometimes it and obviously not in your in your realm, but

Janice Porter:

you. Maybe I don't know. Like, for me, hope can sometimes be a

Janice Porter:

negative term. Like, you know you can hope for the best. You

Janice Porter:

can hope that things will change. But is that, is hope

Janice Porter:

enough? Like, do you know what I'm getting at? Because

Janice Porter:

sometimes I'll change people's wording on things and say No,

Janice Porter:

don't say hope, say we will, or I want, like, speak in the in

Janice Porter:

the positive. So can you talk to me about that?

Elliot Connie:

Yeah, no, I don't think hope can ever be a

Elliot Connie:

negative, to be very honest. Yeah, well, that's

Janice Porter:

why I'm asking you, okay, yeah, but, but I,

Elliot Connie:

I think your point is well made. I think

Elliot Connie:

sometimes I think wishing and hope. Sometimes get confused,

Elliot Connie:

but I can't create change without some level of hope. So I

Elliot Connie:

might be like, you know, I'm hoping for a million dollars,

Elliot Connie:

yeah. Well, now we have to turn that into action like so what

Elliot Connie:

are you doing to help that hope become true. And how would you

Elliot Connie:

notice that that hope was becoming true? I think what

Elliot Connie:

you're saying is like, the word wish is like, I just wish $4

Elliot Connie:

million which makes it kind of sound like I'm just going to sit

Elliot Connie:

here and wait for it. Yeah, yes, yes, this guy and land on my

Elliot Connie:

lap. But I don't think hope is, is ever a negative, because we

Elliot Connie:

need it like it if, if I I wouldn't have gotten out of bed

Elliot Connie:

today if I didn't have some hope that something good could

Elliot Connie:

possibly happen today. So that level of hope, which is that's

Elliot Connie:

what got me out of bed. If I knew if you get out of bed

Elliot Connie:

today, there's a 100% certainty that's going to be the worst day

Elliot Connie:

of your life. I never would have gotten out of bed, right, right?

Elliot Connie:

So, like, hope is just a key ingredient that always needs to

Elliot Connie:

be there. Yeah,

Janice Porter:

okay, fair enough. Fair enough. And you

Janice Porter:

talk about, in your work, you talk about everybody having a

Janice Porter:

superpower, yeah? And I love that, and I saw a little

Janice Porter:

interview you did on Monday morning, morning, Monday

Janice Porter:

motivational Mondays or something on a television

Janice Porter:

station, and she was pretty hyped up and motivating herself,

Janice Porter:

but she was asking you about that. And I liked it because do

Janice Porter:

you find that the work that you do you're that you are trying to

Janice Porter:

help the person find their superpower inside, that you

Janice Porter:

know, that struggle that they're going through, yeah,

Elliot Connie:

like we live in such a weird world where most

Elliot Connie:

people are unaware of their superpower. You're so busy

Elliot Connie:

comparing yourself to other people. True like that might not

Elliot Connie:

be your thing. Like I was watching the Olympics over the

Elliot Connie:

past couple weeks too, and I saw an Olympic gymnast named Simone

Elliot Connie:

Biles, and what she can do with her body, I know, is

Elliot Connie:

unbelievable to me. She she can just do things that are just

Elliot Connie:

now, if I compare myself to to that, and I'm like, I can't even

Elliot Connie:

do flight of stairs. Yeah, and she's but that might, might not

Elliot Connie:

be my gift. That just happens to be her gift. But, like, I've

Elliot Connie:

written six books, maybe she's not a very good writer, and

Elliot Connie:

that's like. So what we end up doing is we spend so much of our

Elliot Connie:

time comparing ourselves to other people and their gifts,

Elliot Connie:

and we end up feeling bad about us and our own gifts. And then

Elliot Connie:

the other thing that happens that I think is really dangerous

Elliot Connie:

is, if I were to say to you, like, let's say, you know, you

Elliot Connie:

and I are hanging out, Janice. And I said, Man, I just, I just

Elliot Connie:

realized I'm the greatest writer in the world. You're likely to

Elliot Connie:

say to me, all right, calm down, Mr. Arrogance. Like, like, tone

Elliot Connie:

it down a little and and I think, why not let people bask

Elliot Connie:

in their own confidence and in their own joy, and who cares if

Elliot Connie:

I'm wrong? But what's wrong with me thinking I'm the greatest

Elliot Connie:

writer in the world that might create the motivation and the

Elliot Connie:

momentum I need to write the book or to write that blog, and

Janice Porter:

we talk about people, at least in the world

Janice Porter:

that I'm in one of my businesses, that there's a lot

Janice Porter:

of personal development stuff that goes on and, and they talk

Janice Porter:

a lot about I am statements and and affirmations and things like

Janice Porter:

that, and, and so to say it is to believe it and to say it,

Janice Porter:

right? And so of course, yes, yeah. And

Elliot Connie:

why not say I'm the best mom in the world? Or

Elliot Connie:

why not say I'm the best drawer in the world? Yeah, I mean, but

Elliot Connie:

we have a tendency. There was actually some research done

Elliot Connie:

several years ago that when people make a statement about

Elliot Connie:

their biggest goals and dreams, the people around. Around them

Elliot Connie:

say something discouraging about it, thinking that it's care. So

Elliot Connie:

it's hard for us to find where our areas of brilliance are,

Elliot Connie:

because people are so busy trying to have you not feel good

Elliot Connie:

about yourself. You

Janice Porter:

know, you just reminded me of something too

Janice Porter:

that like my I have a little granddaughter who's five, and

Janice Porter:

she is a bit of a daredevil, and believe she can do anything,

Janice Porter:

yes, and to see that and to see how long that will last, right?

Janice Porter:

Because we, we do. We tend to squeeze that out of them as they

Janice Porter:

grow up. And I hope that doesn't happen. But yeah, she's I can do

Janice Porter:

that, I can do that. I can do that right? And, like, just

Janice Porter:

because she's five, you know?

Elliot Connie:

And the world, like, if I if a five year old

Elliot Connie:

said, I want to grow up and become an astronaut, and I said,

Elliot Connie:

You can't do that. That's too hard. Yeah, I look like a jerk

Elliot Connie:

saying that to a five year old, yeah, but for some reason, if a

Elliot Connie:

17 year old said it, and I said, You can't do that. You're that's

Elliot Connie:

too hard. I don't look like a jerk. And I think the goal

Elliot Connie:

should be whatever your five year old granddaughter is doing.

Elliot Connie:

The goal should be to have her hold on to that feeling of not

Elliot Connie:

invincibility necessarily, but that feeling of like I can do

Elliot Connie:

anything to hold on to that right, as long as humanly

Elliot Connie:

possible, absolutely,

Janice Porter:

and it's just, and that's belief in yourself,

Janice Porter:

right? And that's learning that that's what that is, is part of

Janice Porter:

it too, right? So tell me a little bit about your new book.

Janice Porter:

Change your questions, change your future. Because I think I

Janice Porter:

love the title, and I think, yeah, I want to hear more. Well,

Elliot Connie:

the work that I do solution focused brief

Elliot Connie:

therapy is based on questions. It's a psychotherapy that is

Elliot Connie:

based on the therapist asking the client questions that help

Elliot Connie:

them transform their life and how they live it. And for the

Elliot Connie:

last 20 years, I've been working with one of my colleagues, guy

Elliot Connie:

named Dr Adam froh, and so much amazing transformation has been

Elliot Connie:

happening in our work with our clients. We've been we've been

Elliot Connie:

talking for all these years about, like, how could we

Elliot Connie:

somehow, like, bottle that and expose the world to it? Like,

Elliot Connie:

how could we some like, how could we do this? Because the

Elliot Connie:

truth is, the questions you ask yourself. Like, we all know that

Elliot Connie:

self talk is a really important aspect of someone's mental

Elliot Connie:

health, but within self talk, specifically, the kind of

Elliot Connie:

questions you ask yourself are highly determinate in what kind

Elliot Connie:

of life you lead. So Adam and I have been talking for years

Elliot Connie:

about, like, how do we like do this in a way, so that people

Elliot Connie:

could enjoy it in their own time, like they don't

Elliot Connie:

necessarily have to go to therapy to experience that

Elliot Connie:

transformation. And that was really the idea for the book.

Elliot Connie:

And then eventually we got into a position where someone was

Elliot Connie:

willing to publish it and and that's what this book does. Like

Elliot Connie:

it teaches you how to ask the kind of questions that lead

Elliot Connie:

towards a massive transformation in your life.

Janice Porter:

So when you said, if you don't necessarily have to

Janice Porter:

go to therapy to you know, make this transformation happen, you

Janice Porter:

would have to, I think, if you're troubled by something and

Janice Porter:

you don't believe you can do something, and then you change

Janice Porter:

the questions for yourself, you still would have a lot to

Janice Porter:

overcome to to change the actual what's going on in there. Would

Janice Porter:

you not?

Elliot Connie:

Well, you, you would. And I'm not trying to

Elliot Connie:

discourage people out of there. No,

Janice Porter:

of course not. Because you're a therapist, I

Elliot Connie:

get it, yeah, like, of course you have things

Elliot Connie:

to overcome, but you can read a book, watch a movie, yes, and it

Elliot Connie:

can or anything else, and be inspired to overcome whatever

Elliot Connie:

those obstacles are. Like therapy doesn't have to be the

Elliot Connie:

only way that you create change. This

Janice Porter:

is true. This is true. So with what's going on in

Janice Porter:

your world right now, because I know that you have a TV show

Janice Porter:

that's about to happen, that you're going to start filming

Janice Porter:

and will be airing next year, early next year, how much time

Janice Porter:

are you spending helping people through your mental through the

Janice Porter:

therapist position?

Elliot Connie:

People ask me that often, and they're always

Elliot Connie:

surprised by my answer, and that is, I still see clients every

Elliot Connie:

week. Wow, okay, because I love it, like, that's still, I mean,

Elliot Connie:

I've, I've

Janice Porter:

got the heart and soul of what you do. Yeah,

Elliot Connie:

I travel and lecture, I write books and TV

Elliot Connie:

projects and all of these things, but that's still the

Elliot Connie:

heart and soul of not just what I do, but like, who I am as a

Elliot Connie:

person. So I still see clients one on one. I i sit down on zoom

Elliot Connie:

from whatever hotel I'm staying at or wherever I'm at, and it's

Elliot Connie:

still the foundation of my life.

Janice Porter:

Well, that's good to hear, because then you're

Janice Porter:

still spreading the work and getting the helping as many

Janice Porter:

people as you can. Yeah. So I find it also interesting when

Janice Porter:

somebody who's come from a difficult upbringing, you. And

Janice Porter:

had to be. You had to overcome to get to a to get to college,

Janice Porter:

to have a degree, to become these things. Did you as a

Janice Porter:

child, think, did you have aspirations like that? No, you

Janice Porter:

said, no. You wanted to be a baseball player. So, but even

Janice Porter:

that, you know, you have to have the willpower and so on to

Janice Porter:

overcome what you're going through at home. Yes, so how,

Janice Porter:

how does that? You know, how do you do that?

Elliot Connie:

Oh, boy, that's a really good question, and I'm

Elliot Connie:

not sure anybody's ever asked me it quite that way. I didn't

Elliot Connie:

realize I was doing it until after I did it. Okay, like,

Elliot Connie:

while it was happening, if I'm being very honest with you, I

Elliot Connie:

was just trying to get through each day, sure, like, I

Elliot Connie:

certainly was not aware of my strength or resilience or, you

Elliot Connie:

know, while it was happening. Was just, I was just like trying

Elliot Connie:

to get through each day. I really wasn't great at thinking

Elliot Connie:

about what I'm going to do when I'm an adult, because I was so

Elliot Connie:

busy focusing on,

Janice Porter:

Were you busy trying to survive? Because I

Janice Porter:

think I understand you don't have to get into it, but that

Janice Porter:

your dad was the difficult one. But yeah, and so your mom kind

Janice Porter:

of straddled, I'm guessing, between keeping the peace and

Janice Porter:

looking after you. And you have siblings, I'm not sure, two

Janice Porter:

siblings, yeah, and and then so, and it would have affected all

Janice Porter:

of you differently, but, yeah, I don't know. I'm just curious,

Janice Porter:

because it takes, yeah, I,

Elliot Connie:

I was trying to survive, and emotionally more so

Elliot Connie:

than physical. I mean, there was some there were lots of physical

Elliot Connie:

things that were happening, but it was just an emotional

Elliot Connie:

challenge. But I can tell you, the moment I realized, like, oh

Elliot Connie:

my gosh, I think I might be stronger than the average

Elliot Connie:

person. And I don't mean that to put down anybody else, but there

Elliot Connie:

was a was a moment when I realized, in order for me to be

Elliot Connie:

where I am, I have to have some level of strength. I had never

Elliot Connie:

really thought about that before, and it happened in my

Elliot Connie:

second year of college. I was really depressed, like really

Elliot Connie:

struggling, and I was comparing myself to all these other people

Elliot Connie:

and everybody else, their their parents would like, send them

Elliot Connie:

money. You know, back then there was no PayPal or cash app. You

Elliot Connie:

had to, like, you know, you had to, like, write your college

Elliot Connie:

child a check and mail it. And my buddies would all go to the

Elliot Connie:

mailbox and open a letter, and they'd be like, Wow, my mom sent

Elliot Connie:

me 20 bucks. And yeah, and I just didn't have things like

Elliot Connie:

that in my life. And one day, it hit me that a lot of the people

Elliot Connie:

around me had significantly more advantages than I had, like,

Elliot Connie:

infinitely more advantages than I had, and I had, like every

Elliot Connie:

disadvantage you could possibly have, and somehow I ended up at

Elliot Connie:

the same university, right that they did. I ended up taking the

Elliot Connie:

same classes that they were taking, living in the same dorm

Elliot Connie:

room that, or dorm building they were living in. And I just

Elliot Connie:

thought that must say something about me that's positive. Maybe

Elliot Connie:

my ability to endure, overcome, handle difficult things, maybe

Elliot Connie:

my ability to do these things has been honed through fire, and

Elliot Connie:

for the first time in my life, I was proud to come from the

Elliot Connie:

struggle that I came from, where I used to hide it. I used to I

Elliot Connie:

didn't want anybody to know because I was ashamed. But that

Elliot Connie:

one thought in one instant, in one moment, like a light bulb,

Elliot Connie:

yeah, and it was like, I think, I think I can pat myself on the

Elliot Connie:

back for being strong, because if I wasn't strong, I wouldn't

Elliot Connie:

be, I wouldn't be where I am.

Janice Porter:

Well, that was, do you see that as a turning

Janice Porter:

point? Yeah, for sure, absolutely, yeah. So I wrote

Janice Porter:

something down that that I heard you say in something I listened

Janice Porter:

to and you said to you, I am an overcomer, yes, right? And you

Janice Porter:

and then I wrote this quote down because I love this. Your rear

Janice Porter:

view mirror is littered with examples of your epicness. We

Janice Porter:

just have to remember to look, or you just have to remember to

Janice Porter:

look. I love that. That was so cool, because that was your

Janice Porter:

place where you learned that you you've overcome all, all of this

Janice Porter:

in your rear view mirror, everything that was there, but

Janice Porter:

now you know you're strong enough to and resilient enough

Janice Porter:

to to carry on and do what you want to do.

Elliot Connie:

That's right. Like, once I believe that about

Elliot Connie:

myself, yes, then I, like, I can now take on the next challenge.

Elliot Connie:

Like, because I when you look in your past and everyone, everyone

Elliot Connie:

look, I. Sure that everyone who's listening. You all have

Elliot Connie:

mistakes in your past. There are things you're ashamed of, there

Elliot Connie:

are things you're embarrassed by. I'm sure all that's true,

Elliot Connie:

but there's also evidence of your greatness. There's also

Elliot Connie:

evidence of your brilliance. There's also a challenge you

Elliot Connie:

overcome, a difficult thing you succeeded through. There's this

Elliot Connie:

a wonderful accomplishment that you have. And we have a tendency

Elliot Connie:

to take accomplishment for granted and take accountability

Elliot Connie:

for mistakes. In fact, adults even encourage this, but like,

Elliot Connie:

if you make a mistake, how many times have people said you need

Elliot Connie:

to own your mistakes? Well, yeah, that's true, but how many

Elliot Connie:

times do people say you need to own your greatness? Because

Elliot Connie:

that's equally true. So when you accomplish something like you

Elliot Connie:

get an A in school, or you, you know, have a successful

Elliot Connie:

business, or lose 10 pounds, or whatever it is, remember to take

Elliot Connie:

credit for the thing you accomplished, right, and you

Elliot Connie:

will be much more able to handle whatever obstacles are thrown

Elliot Connie:

your way. I'm now convinced I can overcome anything thrown at

Elliot Connie:

me simply because I have a history of overcoming everything

Elliot Connie:

thrown at me.

Janice Porter:

I love that. That's so cool. Okay, Let's

Janice Porter:

lighten things up. A little bit. I watched you do some stand up

Janice Porter:

comedy. Yes, at the improv. Yeah, right. Tell me about that.

Janice Porter:

So are you? Are you a closet comedian, or what,

Elliot Connie:

a little bit, little bit more out than

Elliot Connie:

closeted. But what happened, my TV show was being executive

Elliot Connie:

produced by a woman named Tiffany Haddish. Oh, really.

Elliot Connie:

Okay, and we, we were working on on the show, and the development

Elliot Connie:

for, like, talk about

Janice Porter:

overcoming. Yeah, that woman is,

Elliot Connie:

she is the poster child for overcoming totally.

Elliot Connie:

And we were, we were talking one day, and she said, you should

Elliot Connie:

try stand up. And I was like, Absolutely not. Like, No way.

Elliot Connie:

I'm not doing stand up. It's not something I ever desired to do

Elliot Connie:

whatever like me not writing the book, right? She said, but

Elliot Connie:

you're really funny. You should try. Stan said, no way. So a

Elliot Connie:

little time goes by and I was actually with her. She was doing

Elliot Connie:

stand up someplace, and she said, Will you introduce me? And

Elliot Connie:

I said, Sure. And she said, you know, in order to introduce me,

Elliot Connie:

you have to do five minutes of comedy. And I said, well, then

Elliot Connie:

never mind. I'm not going to do it. Thank you, smart, yeah. And

Elliot Connie:

she was so disappointed in me that I wouldn't do it. I said to

Elliot Connie:

her, alright, Tiffany, I promise you the next time you ask me,

Elliot Connie:

I'll do it. And a few months later, she's like, Alright, I'm

Elliot Connie:

asking you now. I'm going on the road. I'm going to San Jose,

Elliot Connie:

California. I want you to come with me and perform. I had never

Elliot Connie:

performed before, but I'm not foreign to taking stages and

Elliot Connie:

Exactly.

Janice Porter:

And I got that from the little bit that I saw

Janice Porter:

too. You were very comfortable on stage. Yeah, yeah.

Elliot Connie:

So I went, and it was so much fun, and I've now

Elliot Connie:

done it, you know, 50 times, maybe, like, I've done it lots.

Elliot Connie:

Oh, that's outrageous, um, but it was all because Tiffany,

Elliot Connie:

Tiffany has this amazing gift, like, I hope everyone and I hope

Elliot Connie:

people are experiencing the gift Tiffany has through this

Elliot Connie:

podcast. Tiffany has this amazing gift that she can see a

Elliot Connie:

skill or talent that someone else has, and she becomes an

Elliot Connie:

advocate to that skill or talent, whether, if, like, if

Elliot Connie:

you are singing around Tiffany and she can hear you sing,

Elliot Connie:

she'll be like, You should do that. I want you to go write a

Elliot Connie:

song and sing it for me, see if I can play it for, like, some

Elliot Connie:

music producers that I know, like she's, she's

Janice Porter:

just that way. He wants to help people too,

Janice Porter:

obviously,

Elliot Connie:

yeah, and I, and I think, I think having friends

Elliot Connie:

like that, having people in your life like that, that's why I

Elliot Connie:

said a whole people experiences. I hope, through this podcast,

Elliot Connie:

someone becomes more aware of what their own talent and

Elliot Connie:

brilliance is, and they do something to pursue it, because

Elliot Connie:

I think that's what makes life so amazing. How did you meet

Elliot Connie:

her? We so it's funny. The woman who discovered me, some woman

Elliot Connie:

and someone in LA saw my YouTube work that's literally just about

Elliot Connie:

psychotherapy, and they thought, Man, this guy would be really

Elliot Connie:

good on a TV show about psychotherapy. And that woman

Elliot Connie:

who is now my my manager, knows Tiffany Haddish from years ago,

Elliot Connie:

and they bumped into each other about, you know, six months into

Elliot Connie:

me having like, all of this happening, and heard about the

Elliot Connie:

work I was doing, and said, I want to be a part of his TV

Elliot Connie:

show. So, and then when I met Tiffany, we just, we just

Elliot Connie:

clicked. We just instantly clicked,

Janice Porter:

well, and there are no accidents. No, I don't

Janice Porter:

know. So no, I don't either. So that's, that's very special.

Janice Porter:

Thank you for sharing that and and the joke that I heard you

Janice Porter:

tell was funny, too. Thank you. Do you remember? You know what

Janice Porter:

I'm thinking of.

Elliot Connie:

No, okay, so

Janice Porter:

you were 11 years old, and you'd moved to a new

Janice Porter:

school, and it was the first white family you'd ever met, and

Janice Porter:

Eric, your friend, your new friend, took you home, right?

Janice Porter:

Yeah. It was a funny story that people have to go find it. I'll

Janice Porter:

have to put it on, yeah. But it was, it was funny, and it was,

Janice Porter:

it was, um, well told as well. So well that that poses another

Janice Porter:

question for me, because now that you've done this several

Janice Porter:

times, where do you get your material? Do you actually write

Janice Porter:

your material? Do

Elliot Connie:

you, yeah, actually do that? And I tell

Elliot Connie:

stuff, like real stuff for my for my life, like that situation

Elliot Connie:

with my friend was real. That's real stuff for my life. That's

Janice Porter:

the best stuff. When it's real, it's the best.

Janice Porter:

Well, okay, this has been so much fun. So we were serious. We

Janice Porter:

had a little fun. I'm just going to wrap it up with a couple of

Janice Porter:

quick questions that I just like to find out, because I am

Janice Porter:

curious. And my my most Well, my favorite question to ask is, and

Janice Porter:

it'd be interesting asking you actually, because my favorite

Janice Porter:

word is curiosity, and I want to know if you think curiosity is

Janice Porter:

innate or learned. And second part of the question is, what

Janice Porter:

are you most curious about these days?

Elliot Connie:

I do think curiosity is innate. One of the

Elliot Connie:

first things we have as newborn children is curiosity, and

Elliot Connie:

that's how we discover the world around us. I think as adults, we

Elliot Connie:

have to develop what I call empathic curiosity, and because

Elliot Connie:

curiosity is if I said to you, Janice, where'd you get that

Elliot Connie:

shirt? I'm asking selfishly because I want to know where you

Elliot Connie:

got that shirt, because I might want to go get that shirt too,

Elliot Connie:

right? Empathic curiosity is like, it's not so much. I'm

Elliot Connie:

asking because I want the information for my own needs.

Elliot Connie:

I'm asking because I want you to hear the answer to the that

Elliot Connie:

you're going to give to the question, because I think the

Elliot Connie:

answer will make you feel better.

Unknown:

I do that. I

Elliot Connie:

love that. Yes. So a question that might do that

Elliot Connie:

might be Janice. How did you know you would look so nice in

Elliot Connie:

that shirt? Because the as you answer that question, you're

Elliot Connie:

kind of giving yourself a compliment, and being able to

Elliot Connie:

ask people questions, not just because you want to know the

Elliot Connie:

answer, but you want them to hear themselves give the answer.

Elliot Connie:

That's another level of curiosity that I think the

Janice Porter:

best answer I've ever gotten that's so good,

Janice Porter:

yeah, I

Elliot Connie:

so I call it empathic curiosity. Empathic

Elliot Connie:

curiosity.

Janice Porter:

I love it. Okay? And what are you most curious

Janice Porter:

about today?

Elliot Connie:

Um, wow, that's a good question. I'm most curious

Elliot Connie:

about blessings. I'm I'm so interested to see what the next

Elliot Connie:

blessing will be, where it will come from, what shape it will

Elliot Connie:

take. And just, I'm really excited, also curious about

Elliot Connie:

whatever it is around the corner. I

Janice Porter:

love it. That's amazing. And you know what?

Janice Porter:

There are great things coming for you. Still around the

Janice Porter:

corner, I can tell I just yeah, there's lots going on for you.

Janice Porter:

So where can people find you?

Elliot Connie:

You can find me on my website, at Elliot

Elliot Connie:

connie.com make sure you spell my name with 2l and two T's,

Elliot Connie:

Elliot connie.com or you can find me on all of the social

Elliot Connie:

media platforms at Elliot speaks, Instagram, Facebook, X

Elliot Connie:

threads.

Janice Porter:

I'll put all that in the show notes. So that's

Janice Porter:

Yeah, okay. Well, I this has been amazing, and I appreciate

Janice Porter:

your time, and I appreciate you and your wisdom for everything

Janice Porter:

that you've shared with us. And I wish you well with your new

Janice Porter:

book. I wish you well with your new TV show, and I'll be a fan

Janice Porter:

and checking it out if I'm able to see it, because I'm in

Janice Porter:

Canada, so who knows, right? But we'll, we'll stay in touch and

Janice Porter:

make sure that that happens. So thank you again, and thank you

Janice Porter:

to my audience, and all that information will be in the show

Janice Porter:

notes, so you can follow Elliot and watch him his next blessing.

Elliot Connie:

Thank you so much for having me. You.

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