Trying to search for that which is unavailable and trying to avoid that which is unavoidable is the source of human suffering. Trying to acquire the positive pole of a magnet without also acquiring the negative pole of a magnet will be futile. Trying to become only a positive thinker and trying to avoid being a negative thinker will be futile and leave you feeling frustrating. Both poles and their accompanying emotions come together and are defined in terms of each other.
This content is for educational and personal development purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any psychological or medical conditions. The information and processes shared are for general educational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental-health or medical advice. If you are experiencing acute distress or ongoing clinical concerns, please consult a licensed health-care provider.
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Then I asked the question,
Speaker:well if I can't get rid of
negative thinking and negativity,
Speaker:it must serve a purpose, so I
started asking, why is it there?
Speaker:You may or may not have been,
Speaker:I guess you could say
indoctrinated by an idea of
Speaker:positive thinking.
Speaker:And I got this kind of
put into my brain around
Speaker:age 18. I was given a set of
books by Norman Vincent Peale,
Speaker:The Power of Positive Thinking. So I set
out to try to be positive all the time,
Speaker:and I found that I kept
falling from that ideal.
Speaker:I kept trying to get positive without
negative and nice without mean,
Speaker:and one sidedness. And no
matter how hard I tried,
Speaker:I had all these little glitches that
somehow I really upset or negative to
Speaker:myself or somebody else.
Speaker:And I read more books on positive thinking
and no matter how many books I read
Speaker:on, I still had positive
and negative thoughts.
Speaker:So I decided to go and actually meet
with people who were the leaders in the
Speaker:positive thinking movement. So I actually
went and watched Norman Vincent Peale,
Speaker:and he admitted in public to about a
thousand people that he had negative
Speaker:thoughts and that he wrote the books
on positive thinking to try to override
Speaker:them and balance them. And I
thought, well, that's interesting.
Speaker:He's at least confessing he's got them.
So I felt a little less, you know, weak,
Speaker:he might say, because no matter what I
was doing, I still had negative thoughts.
Speaker:And then I got to meet all the other
people that were sort of in that movement.
Speaker:And I met Earl Nightingale
and his brother and I met W.
Speaker:Clement Stone and all these people
that had written books on this field.
Speaker:And one by one, as I knew them,
Speaker:I found out they were not
positive people.
I saw them yelling and
screaming, and I saw them upset,
Speaker:and I saw them in legal suits and
one was suicidal. And I thought,
Speaker:woah this is shattering my myth that
people are getting there. And I thought,
Speaker:this is somehow hypocrisy.
Speaker:So I started to do a
research project at age 28,
Speaker:10 years of trying to be a positive
thinker and no matter what I did,
Speaker:I still had positive
and negative thoughts.
Speaker:And and I met pretty well the top
30 people in the field of positive
Speaker:thinking promotion. And not
one of them had one sidedness.
Speaker:They had both sides. And
it wasn't hard to see.
Speaker:So I started doing a research
project and I monitored,
Speaker:I took the most positive
words in the English language,
Speaker:and I created the most
positive statements.
Speaker:And I started to affirm
them 108 times a day. And I,
Speaker:so I was saying 108 sets of five
to six quotes a day that were
Speaker:positive to try to affirm that in my mind.
Speaker:I tried all kind of gimmicks
to try to stay positive.
Speaker:And I monitored this and charted this
on a day by day cycle forecasting form
Speaker:that I called it. And I
printed a book called,
Speaker:The 2000 Quotes of the Wise,
Speaker:A Day by Day Guide to Inspirational
Living just on positive statements,
Speaker:to try to increase the positivity,
Speaker:because I want to know once and
for all is this real or not.
Speaker:And then I realized after two
years of literally affirming,
Speaker:you know, 600 to a thousand times a day,
Speaker:positive statements and monitoring
in the seven areas of my life,
Speaker:what was going on in my
life as honestly as I could,
Speaker:I realized that I had both positives
and negatives no matter what I did.
Speaker:And I thought that this is a
farce. You know, it's interesting,
Speaker:in chemistry we're looking for
a balanced equation. In physics,
Speaker:we're looking for a balanced equation.
And in physiology we have homeostasis.
Speaker:And in psychology we have homeostasis.
Speaker:We have moral licensing effects
to get us back into equilibrium.
Speaker:So the more I started studying the
brain and physiology and psychology and
Speaker:normal endocrinology,
Speaker:I realized that it was an illusion
to try to get a one-sided world.
Speaker:And then I thought, well then if there's
no way I'm going to get but both sides,
Speaker:I'm not going to get a one-sided
world, and as the Buddha says,
Speaker:the desire for that which is unobtainable
and the desire to avoid that which is
Speaker:unavoidable is the source of human
suffering. So I thought, hmm,
Speaker:I finally got this aha,
Speaker:the realization after doing all
the research that I need both
Speaker:challenge. If you get over supported,
Speaker:you become juveniley dependent.
If you get overly challenged,
Speaker:you become precociously independent.
You put the two together,
Speaker:you get maximum growth. You
need positive and negative.
Speaker:You have a parasympathetic nervous
system and a sympathetic nervous system.
Speaker:One for build, one for destroy.
One for anabolism. One catabolism.
Speaker:One is anabolic that builds
right and it reduces.
Speaker:And the other is oxidative and breaking
things down. One for night, one for day.
Speaker:And I saw these pairs of opposites,
Speaker:and I realized they had to be in
homeostasis and balance in order to have
Speaker:wellness. And I finally, at age 30,
after doing this research project,
Speaker:I said goodbye to all the
fantasies of one sidedness.
Speaker:And then I asked the question, well,
Speaker:if I can't get rid of negative thinking
and negativity, it must serve a purpose.
Speaker:So I started asking, why is it there?
Speaker:So I'd like to share with you a number
of things that I uncovered on that.
Speaker:I found out there were 15 common
reasons why people had negativity.
Speaker:And I define negativity as anger
and aggression, blame and betrayal,
Speaker:criticism and challenge, despair and
depression, desire to exit and escape,
Speaker:you know, futility and frustration,
grouchiness and grief, hatred and hurt,
Speaker:irritability and irrationality, you know,
Speaker:jadedness and jerkiness.
Speaker:I looked at all of these aspects
of negativity and I found that
Speaker:there's 15 common reasons for it.
Speaker:Unrealistic expectations on
other people to be one sided.
Speaker:In other words,
Speaker:let's say I meet somebody and I want to
date somebody and I'm expecting them to
Speaker:be nice, never mean, kind, never cruel,
positive, never negative, peaceful,
Speaker:never wrathful, all one sided,
they're not going to be.
Speaker:If I communicate in their values, they'll
be nice. If I go against their values,
Speaker:they're going to be mean and
they're going to have both.
Speaker:And I'm going to interact
with them both ways.
Speaker:And then I realize that if I
have an expectation like that,
Speaker:I'm going to be angry at them
and feel betrayed by them.
Speaker:So it had nothing to
do with their behavior.
Speaker:It had everything to do with my
expectation on their behavior.
Speaker:So if I have an unrealistic
expectation for them to be one sided,
Speaker:that's the source of my negativity.
Speaker:If I have an unrealistic expectation
on them to live in my values,
Speaker:they have their own values, if I
expect them to live in my values,
Speaker:I'm going to have the A,
B, C, D's of negativity.
Speaker:If I expect them to be one
sided and live in my values,
Speaker:the combination of those
two, that's a third delusion.
Speaker:If I have an unrealistic expectation
on myself to be one sided,
Speaker:I'll be angry at myself and I'll
have the negativities towards myself.
Speaker:If I have an expectation for me
to live outside my own values,
Speaker:I'm going to have anger towards myself.
If I have an expectation of those two,
Speaker:to live one sided and to
live outside my values,
Speaker:I'll have both of those
anger towards myself.
Speaker:If I have an unrealistic expectation
on other people and myself that way,
Speaker:for all six of those, I will
now have even more negativity.
Speaker:If I have an unrealistic expectation on
the collective society around me to be
Speaker:one sided, I will automatically have
this, this ABCD's of negativity.
Speaker:And in the process of doing that,
Speaker:I will have that negativity if I also
expect everybody in the world out there to
Speaker:live in my values, I'll have
negativity. Because I'm not going to.
Speaker:If I have an unrealistic
expectation on all of that,
Speaker:put all those together, on
others, myself, on the collective,
Speaker:I'm going to end up with negativity.
Speaker:If I have an unrealistic expectation
on mechanical objects to be one
Speaker:sided, you know, I expect a garage door
opener to always be working or expect,
Speaker:you know, ATM machine working or your
computer to always be doing what you want,
Speaker:that'll automatically create
that ABCD's of negativity.
Speaker:If I expect that, you know,
Speaker:everything in the computer world
is supposed to live in my values,
Speaker:imagine if the computer's supposed to
read your mind all the time, that's again,
Speaker:unrealistic expectation.
Speaker:So I found out that negativity is a
feedback mechanism to guide us to set
Speaker:realistic expectations on others,
ourselves and the world around us.
Speaker:So negativity has a very
important part of our life.
Speaker:It's giving us feedback to let us
know when we're unrealistic in our
Speaker:expectations. Now, once you have this
negativity, if you want to dissolve it,
Speaker:you can start to get yourself
realistic about your expectations.
Speaker:But you can also have negativity when
people, when you resent somebody,
Speaker:because they're, again, one sided
or not living in your values.
Speaker:So if you actually do this, and
I call this the Demartini Method,
Speaker:it's a series of questions in there.
Speaker:If you are angry at somebody and resentful
to somebody and really angry at them,
Speaker:and you ask, okay, what specific trait,
Speaker:action or inaction do you perceive this
individual displaying or demonstrating
Speaker:that you resent most? That
you're angry with most.
Speaker:You have a negative a feeling
about most. And then define it.
Speaker:And make sure it's not hearsay.
Speaker:Make sure it's not vague
generalities and labels. You know,
Speaker:make sure it's a real specific action
that they're doing, that you're judging.
Speaker:Make sure it's not something
about how you felt just by what,
Speaker:you're looking at their action, not
how you felt about their action.
Speaker:And you get really clear about what it
is. And then once you identify that,
Speaker:you'll find out that the thing you're
judging is either something you expected
Speaker:them to be one sided, or expect
them to live in your values.
Speaker:You find that it goes to that.
Speaker:And then you go in there
and now ask the question,
Speaker:what's the benefit to you of them
doing it? How did it benefit you?
Speaker:Your first response is, it didn't,
that's why it's negative. No,
Speaker:it's only negative because you haven't
seen how it served and how it benefited
Speaker:you. In other words, let's say the person
verbally criticized you and you say,
Speaker:well, what's the benefit of that? I say,
well, were you cocky and and arrogant,
Speaker:and did you project your values onto
them and expect them to live in your
Speaker:values? If you do,
Speaker:they're going to give you criticism and
challenge as a feedback to let you know
Speaker:that they want to be loved for who they
are, not who you want to make them.
Speaker:And if you're arrogant, you
need to be brought down,
Speaker:because that's an inauthentic state.
Speaker:So if they're criticizing you
and they're bringing you down,
Speaker:that's to your advantage.
So the benefit is,
Speaker:it's humbling you and making sure you
don't project your expectations for them
Speaker:to live in your values and you don't
have an expectation that's delusional,
Speaker:that they're supposed to be one
sided, always positive to you.
Speaker:Because If you do, you're
going to get supported,
Speaker:you'll stay juveniley dependent
on them, and you don't grow.
Speaker:It's the challenges in life that
make you precociously independent,
Speaker:make you an entrepreneur anyway.
Speaker:So if you start stacking up the
benefits of what they're doing,
Speaker:when they're verbally
criticizing you, for instance,
Speaker:all of a sudden you become
more resilient and adaptable.
Speaker:You understand when you've been arrogant
and how you're projecting and how
Speaker:you're thinking you're
superior and it calms you down.
Speaker:It levels the playing field,
makes you more authentic.
Speaker:It increases the probability
of sustainable fair
exchange in relationships.
Speaker:And it helps you break the fantasy they're
supposed to be one sided or they're
Speaker:supposed to live in your values.
Speaker:And so then what happens is
when you stack up the benefits,
Speaker:once the benefits equal the drawbacks,
your resentment and your anger goes away,
Speaker:because you've dissolved the unrealistic
expectations that drove it. Now,
Speaker:if you go on the other
side and ask the question,
Speaker:if they were the way you hoped they
would've been in the moment they did the
Speaker:trait that you disliked, if they
did the opposite, the fantasy,
Speaker:the way you wish they would've been,
what would've been the drawback?
Speaker:Because sometimes people have a fantasy
that people are supposed to be nice and
Speaker:never mean and kind and never cruel,
Speaker:and they're supposed to be living
in my values, not their own.
Speaker:And as long as you live in that fantasy,
Speaker:if you don't find the
drawbacks to the fantasy,
Speaker:you keep projecting that fantasy on
other people and they can't live up to it
Speaker:and you set yourself
up for the negativity.
Speaker:Your negativity is your feedback
mechanism to let you know that you're
Speaker:projecting unrealistic
expectations on life.
Speaker:Because when you set realistic
expectations and real objectives,
Speaker:if I expect you to live in your
values, I won't be betrayed.
Speaker:If I expect you to live in mine,
Speaker:I've set myself up for
anger and I'll be betrayed.
Speaker:If I expect you to be one sided,
I'm going to feel angered,
Speaker:because you're not going to be.
Speaker:But if I expect you to be both sided
and nice and mean and kind and cruel,
Speaker:depending on how I've interacted with
you, I have a realistic expectation.
Speaker:If I am communicating and nice
and supportive of your values,
Speaker:you'll probably treat me openly. If I
go against your values and challenge,
Speaker:you'll probably be aggressive to
me, that's life. I'm not one sided.
Speaker:You're not one sided.
Life's not one sided.
Speaker:So the negativity is a feedback
mechanism guiding you to help you
Speaker:rebalance your life and put yourself
back into realistic expectations.
Speaker:So I went on this journey about positive
thinking, I found it was futile.
Speaker:I don't waste my time on
it. I think it's childish.
Speaker:It's the opium of the masses. It
sells to people. And it doesn't,
Speaker:you don't live it. It's just an ideal
that you think you're going to live,
Speaker:fantasize about it. And I can
easily point it out, I ask people,
Speaker:how many of you still have
negative thoughts and negativity?
Speaker:And they all put their hands up.
Everywhere I go, I've seen that.
Speaker:So it's delusional to think you're
going to be a one-sided human being.
Speaker:It's delusional to think
you're going to be, you know,
Speaker:living in somebody else's values.
When you're infatuated with somebody,
Speaker:you try to live in people's values,
but within a short period of time,
Speaker:you eventually go back to your own.
Speaker:So every decision you make is based
on what you believe will give you the
Speaker:greatest advantage over
disadvantage to your own values.
Speaker:So don't try to live in a fantasy
Speaker:you're going to live in somebody else's
values or others are going to live in
Speaker:your values.
Speaker:Honor each other by communicating what
you value in terms of what they value.
Speaker:When you can communicate
that and practice that,
Speaker:that's the ultimate
sales and caring process.
Speaker:And then you end up getting what you want
by helping other people get what they
Speaker:want. That works.
Speaker:Anything else pretty well is feedback
to let you know you're going to get the
Speaker:ABCDs of negativity or they're going to
get the ABCDs of negativity to let you
Speaker:know what's not working.
Speaker:The ABCDs of negativity are feedback
mechanisms to let you know you have
Speaker:unrealistic expectations,
projected or injected,
Speaker:and you're expecting something that's
not happening, not going to happen,
Speaker:not designed to happen. And when you do,
Speaker:you now set yourself up
and the negativity's your
feedback. And the same thing.
Speaker:If you have this idea that people
are supposed to be always one sided,
Speaker:you're going to be let down.
So I gave that up at age 30.
Speaker:From from 18 to 28 I tried to be a
positive thinker. I tried to promote that,
Speaker:promote that, and I felt like a moral
hypocrite because I wasn't living it.
Speaker:And I met all these people that were
also moral hypocrites and they weren't
Speaker:living it. And so I
thought, this is ridiculous.
Speaker:Why would I go and promote something
and teach something that's BS?
Speaker:It's not sustainable.
Speaker:Now I'd rather give people a reality
and gown them so they can love and
Speaker:appreciate themselves and have
realistic expectations on themselves.
Speaker:And your negativity is your feedback to
let you know whenever you're not having
Speaker:realistic expectations. So it's not an
enemy, it's not your thing to be evil.
Speaker:It's not something, oh my God, I
did this, I had negative thoughts.
Speaker:It's a feedback.
Speaker:It's trying to guide you on how to master
your life and how to be authentic and
Speaker:how to communicate what you value
in terms of what other people value.
Speaker:And by asking the questions,
Speaker:now the questions I gave you
comes from the Demartini Method.
Speaker:It's a method I've been developing
since I was 18 and for 51 years.
Speaker:It's a thing I teach in the Breakthrough
Experience. That's why I tell people,
Speaker:come to the Breakthrough Experience. I
can save them an enormous amount of time.
Speaker:If you're sitting there having
catching up and beating yourself up,
Speaker:or being angry at other people
and having all these emotions,
Speaker:they're not necessary.
They're feedback systems.
Speaker:And I can show you exactly what questions
to ask and what expectations to try to
Speaker:put into place. My students
who come there and they go in,
Speaker:they go out with this new perspective,
Speaker:all of a sudden they notice the amount
of emotional drama that they were
Speaker:creating in their life subsides.
Speaker:And they know exactly what questions
to ask when they end up having these
Speaker:negativity to know exactly where their
unrealistic expectations are and how
Speaker:they're designing this for their life.
Speaker:It's amazing when all of a sudden
you're aware, it's like liberating.
Speaker:So if you want to sit there and wallow
in the fantasy that you're going to be
Speaker:positive and then judge other people
for the negativity that you're feeling
Speaker:ashamed that you have,
well, that's one thing.
Speaker:But if you'd like to liberate
yourself, I have a way of doing it.
Speaker:And then please come to the Breakthrough
Experience where I teach the Demartini
Speaker:Method. The question is, again,
what specific trait, action,
Speaker:inaction do you perceive this individual
displaying or demonstrating that you
Speaker:despise, dislike, or hate most?
Then you can go in there and ask,
Speaker:how does it serve you?
Speaker:Go to the moment where and when they're
actually demonstrating this and how is
Speaker:it serving you? And then if at that
moment they had done exactly the opposite,
Speaker:the way you fantasize and wish
they'd have been in that moment,
Speaker:what would've been the drawback?
Speaker:Because as long as you have a fantasy
and an unrealistic expectation,
Speaker:you're going to end up with the ABCDs of
negativity to try to guide you back to
Speaker:realistic expectations that are
objective, according to real values,
Speaker:so you can master the
art of human behavior.
Speaker:So if you want to be more authentic,
Speaker:you want to liberate yourself from
the thing, come and learn that method.
Speaker:I assure you it's value, will be
useful for the rest of your life.
Speaker:And it's right at the
Breakthrough Experience.
Speaker:Take advantage of the opportunity.
Speaker:It's changed thousands of people's
lives and I'm certain it can make a
Speaker:difference in yours.