..Bored 

..Lonely

.. Feeling disconnected

.. Unmet needs

.. Strong desires

.. Strong craving for intensity

I want to feel

..Need the next buzz

..Dating is too complicated

..I never get what I need from people I date or hook up with..

Hot hot hot 

I want more…

This was good

This feels good

Oh .. my .. god.. I want this . I want it all the time. I want more of it..

Rush of blood to the head ..

Yessssss. Yesssss . Yesssss .

Oh man,

I’m such a loser. I feel empty. I feel lonely. 

I need to go get some cigarettes. 

I will never meet a person who wants to do these things with me.. I will never stop watching this.. I need to hide this side of me . Nobody can ever find this out about me. Hopefully nobody notices this about me…. 

Darkness

PORN ADDICTION

How to get out of this cycle ?

Check out my interview with Louis Brantmeyer

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Unknown: 00:00:00

Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

Unknown: 00:00:02

experience. I'm your host Aurora, and I'm very excited to

Unknown: 00:00:06

have Louis Brandtmeyer with me again. Last time, we talked

Unknown: 00:00:12

about the spiritual awakening and Louis journey on how to

Unknown: 00:00:20

become an empowered person and inspiring others today. And

Unknown: 00:00:27

today we want to talk about, yeah, how we can empower people,

Unknown: 00:00:32

how we can inspire people, to be more, yeah, happier with

Unknown: 00:00:39

themselves, and maybe liberated from addictions, and to then

Unknown: 00:00:45

enter relationships, and have a fulfilled life. Together with

Unknown: 00:00:50

others, Louis opened up to me a little bit and shared that he

Unknown: 00:00:55

was addicted to porn for quite some time. And he was able to

Unknown: 00:01:02

liberate himself from that addiction and to now live, free

Unknown: 00:01:09

and passionate life where he's not restricted by porn anymore,

Unknown: 00:01:16

because addictions, feel good in a moment. But when you look at

Unknown: 00:01:20

it on a deeper level, it's always Yeah, keeping you in a

Unknown: 00:01:25

specific mindset that doesn't help you open up in real life

Unknown: 00:01:31

and be successful in real life. So let's just jump in Louis, and

Unknown: 00:01:36

share with us how it all started. How did you become

Unknown: 00:01:41

addicted? And how were you able to free yourself?

Unknown: 00:01:47

Absolutely. So I'm happy to be here grateful to be here,

Unknown: 00:01:53

excited to share. My story starts in approximately eighth

Unknown: 00:01:59

grade. This was maybe 15 years ago, when I started to find

Unknown: 00:02:06

myself desiring connection and contact with women. And this was

Unknown: 00:02:12

the early days of dial up internet. So we didn't have

Unknown: 00:02:15

multiple tabs or streaming like read to you porn or whatever.

Unknown: 00:02:20

But we did have pictures, images, lots, lots of images.

Unknown: 00:02:27

And before I knew it, surfing the internet late at night, I

Unknown: 00:02:32

discovered lots of different images actually going back even

Unknown: 00:02:36

further than that. My grandmother was an artist. And

Unknown: 00:02:39

in her artists study, she had a book of nudes of have like the

Unknown: 00:02:45

female body. So while it wasn't intrinsically pornographic, or

Unknown: 00:02:51

even addictive, at that point, it opened me to that. And then

Unknown: 00:02:56

on the cable box, this is really dating me because this is like

Unknown: 00:03:01

early 2000s. Back when we used cable boxes, there were some

Unknown: 00:03:08

channels that we got that we weren't supposed to get. And

Unknown: 00:03:10

they'd come in through like psychedelic multicolor and

Unknown: 00:03:13

they'd show up for a couple seconds, and then it would blip

Unknown: 00:03:17

out. And then I'd have to switch to the next channel and switch

Unknown: 00:03:20

back. And I saw people doing things that was that were very

Unknown: 00:03:23

interesting to me. As an adolescent. I was like, What is

Unknown: 00:03:27

this this is I'm feeling things in my body. And so I started to

Unknown: 00:03:32

get turned on and before I knew it in my grandfather's bedroom

Unknown: 00:03:36

upstairs in the large house, I had discovered porn with

Unknown: 00:03:41

pornography, and it wasn't you really wasn't a thing at that

Unknown: 00:03:45

point. And the dogma of Catholicism, which I grew up in,

Unknown: 00:03:51

had me feel shame and guilt and go to Confession every Sunday

Unknown: 00:03:55

and you know, share this sin quote, unquote. And so sexuality

Unknown: 00:04:00

was being suppressed, repressed rejected, title, this perverted

Unknown: 00:04:05

deviant. And so there was this mix between like a really

Unknown: 00:04:08

authentic desire for touch and physical expression with the

Unknown: 00:04:15

programming of religion and then also the programming of culture.

Unknown: 00:04:19

Because porn is also programming. porn is built for

Unknown: 00:04:23

people to be fulfilled porn is built for people to have orgasms

Unknown: 00:04:27

and consume more pornography and buy more pornography is a

Unknown: 00:04:33

product and nowhere in porn. Is there an expression? Well, okay,

Unknown: 00:04:43

with the rare exception of some feminists and female gays

Unknown: 00:04:48

inflected pornography, nowhere is porn, before the holistic

Unknown: 00:04:55

health and well being of the individual zooming it, I look at

Unknown: 00:04:59

it As fast food which if you eat enough fast food, you will die

Unknown: 00:05:03

of heart disease, for example, the great metaphor because

Unknown: 00:05:10

people are consuming porn instead of finding a way to

Unknown: 00:05:16

fully embody their desire and express their desires in the

Unknown: 00:05:18

world, so I didn't have a father at the time, who could teach or

Unknown: 00:05:23

train or lead or guide me in any way in the direction of like a

Unknown: 00:05:28

healthy expression in sexuality. And what I had was called the

Unknown: 00:05:33

same culture that tells women to be as Virgil and pure as the

Unknown: 00:05:37

Madonna but as, as open and slutty as a whore. Like the same

Unknown: 00:05:42

culture that makes both things look good and leave leaves women

Unknown: 00:05:45

confused and tells me, then you need to be studs, you need to be

Unknown: 00:05:50

having lots of sex with lots of people, you need to figure it

Unknown: 00:05:53

out, you need to be good at it, and you need to impress your

Unknown: 00:05:55

woman and all this shit. So porn was my only sexual expression

Unknown: 00:06:01

for three or four years, through high school. I barely went out

Unknown: 00:06:08

on dates barely made out with women. And I was in an all boys

Unknown: 00:06:12

Catholic High School. So I didn't really receive any sort

Unknown: 00:06:17

of sexual education. Other than abstinence is best. If you do

Unknown: 00:06:21

have sex, you're going to hell, if you masturbate or have sex of

Unknown: 00:06:24

any kind, you need to confess it as soon as possible, so you

Unknown: 00:06:27

don't burn forever. And

Unknown: 00:06:31

I, I was hardcore Catholic, like I was serious about it. I loved

Unknown: 00:06:36

the religion, and I loved serving it. And I and I was

Unknown: 00:06:39

obsessed with perfection. I was obsessed with being not sinful,

Unknown: 00:06:45

not a sinner. And then I became an atheist. And as an atheist,

Unknown: 00:06:50

it was like, oh, wow, all of this stuff that I thought was

Unknown: 00:06:54

bad. Now I can do it. Live, cheat and steal. Because you

Unknown: 00:07:00

know, at all, all the ethics are made up. And I still believe

Unknown: 00:07:05

this on some level that all ethics are made up. It's just

Unknown: 00:07:08

that for me, living from love, feels better, works better,

Unknown: 00:07:12

leaves a better trail, and a better impact on the people I

Unknown: 00:07:16

interact with, helps me to build my business, my life. Yeah, so

Unknown: 00:07:20

just fits and works better. And I think innately we humans have

Unknown: 00:07:23

empathy and compassion is part of our genes as part of our

Unknown: 00:07:26

brains. So we can either embrace it or try to deny it and suffer

Unknown: 00:07:29

from the consequences. So I embrace it, I recommend everyone

Unknown: 00:07:33

else embrace it as well. In fact, self compassion and self

Unknown: 00:07:38

love, self soothing through self pleasure is not wrong. And porn

Unknown: 00:07:45

use is not wrong. porn addiction is not wrong. People who are

Unknown: 00:07:50

addicted to porn, meaning using it more than they want using it,

Unknown: 00:07:54

instead of creating a sexual partner using it in a way that

Unknown: 00:07:58

is negatively impacting their life or their business of their

Unknown: 00:08:00

purpose, their career, and I've experienced all forms of those,

Unknown: 00:08:05

you know, those people are not wrong. Imagine if we grew up in

Unknown: 00:08:09

a world where everybody was smoking, and smoking was just

Unknown: 00:08:12

normal. And nobody had ever done any studies on the impact of

Unknown: 00:08:15

smoking. And people were dying of lung cancer, it was just

Unknown: 00:08:19

like, this is the thing that happens. Or people were, you

Unknown: 00:08:24

know, getting X, Y and Z illnesses, like it would just be

Unknown: 00:08:29

a commonly accepted fact. So Gary Wilson, and a TED talk

Unknown: 00:08:34

called the Great porn experiment talks about this, how there's an

Unknown: 00:08:37

epidemic of mostly men who are dealing with ADD social anxiety,

Unknown: 00:08:45

an inability to focus all kinds of different symptoms that are

Unknown: 00:08:50

being diagnosed as separate problems. When we look at it.

Unknown: 00:08:53

And we look at hardcore, multiple tabs, streaming

Unknown: 00:08:56

pornography, we can see that so much of those symptoms of those

Unknown: 00:09:02

those problems really could be viewed as symptoms of an under

Unknown: 00:09:07

diagnosed condition, which is just the general use of porn.

Unknown: 00:09:10

People don't even have to be addicts to be impacted

Unknown: 00:09:13

negatively by porn, as it exists currently, are brave enough.

Unknown: 00:09:18

They were designed by evolution, nature, whatever is, you know,

Unknown: 00:09:24

if a man sees a woman, an attractive woman, he gets a

Unknown: 00:09:29

spurt of dopamine. In fact, in the occipital lobe of his brain,

Unknown: 00:09:32

the visual cortex, he ranks her as hot or not, subconsciously,

Unknown: 00:09:37

before his conscious brain before his ethical brain has

Unknown: 00:09:40

anything to do or say about it. So like, by the way, y'all if

Unknown: 00:09:44

you're in a relationship, and your man notices another woman,

Unknown: 00:09:47

that's because it's programming. It's not his fault. He's not a

Unknown: 00:09:50

cheater, he's not wrong. And porn, the way that it works is

Unknown: 00:09:56

where at whereas in the evolutionary theater 100,000

Unknown: 00:09:59

years ago, We would see a woman once in a month or something,

Unknown: 00:10:05

maybe as men, and we'd be like, Oh, my God, and we get this huge

Unknown: 00:10:10

release of dopamine, like, I've got to pay attention to her,

Unknown: 00:10:13

I've got to engage with her. Because if I don't, I won't find

Unknown: 00:10:18

a mate and the species will die. This is this is our gene pushing

Unknown: 00:10:22

us, right, our evolutionary programming pushing us. But when

Unknown: 00:10:26

you put a lot of attractive women naked, on a screen,

Unknown: 00:10:33

engaged in sexual behavior, there is a dopamine overload. So

Unknown: 00:10:40

it becomes an avalanche for the male brain becomes overwhelming,

Unknown: 00:10:45

it becomes impossible to resist at a certain level. Now, I also

Unknown: 00:10:52

have a personal belief spiritually, that those who are

Unknown: 00:10:58

producing pornography, possibly through no fault of their own,

Unknown: 00:11:02

being part of a much larger system are fostering and

Unknown: 00:11:08

encouraging people to exist at the level of component.

Unknown: 00:11:12

Bullshit, which is a very low energy. It's a very like, you

Unknown: 00:11:15

can feel the difference between feeling playful and feeling

Unknown: 00:11:20

excited and curious and joyful, versus feeling like you need

Unknown: 00:11:24

something, there's a tightness, there's a constriction, there's

Unknown: 00:11:26

a contraction. And

Unknown: 00:11:30

so the idea is that there are literally negative energy beings

Unknown: 00:11:38

that latch on to the souls and energy bodies that people who

Unknown: 00:11:41

use porn. And this explains so much of my experience with

Unknown: 00:11:45

addiction, and use of porn, because sometimes I would use

Unknown: 00:11:50

porn. And I'd be like, Alright, I'm done. I'm gonna go

Unknown: 00:11:54

concentrate on something else. And I feel an uncontrollable

Unknown: 00:11:58

need and desire and a distracted attention focused on getting my

Unknown: 00:12:03

next tip. Yeah, and I promise and I pray and I push. And then

Unknown: 00:12:08

within 30 minutes, or 40 minutes, I find myself in front

Unknown: 00:12:11

of the screen, and I feel like crap. And the the reaction, the

Unknown: 00:12:14

self judgment of guilt and shame over not being able to control

Unknown: 00:12:17

myself, would add to that snowball that spiral of that

Unknown: 00:12:21

already constricted feeling in my body. Yeah, yeah. And

Unknown: 00:12:27

sometimes it literally felt like my personality was being taken

Unknown: 00:12:31

over by something else. And so I understand if somebody wanted to

Unknown: 00:12:36

make the argument that demons were involved. Yeah, I don't

Unknown: 00:12:39

actually contend against that. And I literally would walk

Unknown: 00:12:43

around heavy in my body for days, two weeks after, unless I

Unknown: 00:12:47

got energy work done. Hmm. So people are carrying stuff

Unknown: 00:12:52

around. People potentially are carrying beings around, that are

Unknown: 00:12:57

feeding off of their energy and pulling them into behaviors that

Unknown: 00:13:00

are disempowering and detrimental to them. That's one

Unknown: 00:13:03

view. Right? Nobody has to buy the spiritual view. It's just a

Unknown: 00:13:06

great explanation for what I've experienced. Go ahead.

Unknown: 00:13:10

Now, I totally understand what you mean. It's like a total

Unknown: 00:13:14

vicious cycle that people are caught up in? How can you step

Unknown: 00:13:19

out of it? Is it with very like baby steps? Or do you have to? I

Unknown: 00:13:24

mean, I guess every person is different. You can go cold

Unknown: 00:13:27

turkey with one person and not with the other. But how was it

Unknown: 00:13:31

for you? How did you get out of it is the awareness that you had

Unknown: 00:13:37

that it made you feel? Good, but it made you feel very bad and

Unknown: 00:13:44

kept like made you feel captured? At the same time? How

Unknown: 00:13:48

did you move out of this, this negative, vicious cycle?

Unknown: 00:13:55

Excellent question. So I failed a lot. Mm hmm. I would take 90

Unknown: 00:14:03

days off of hardcore porn and outsource the control of my

Unknown: 00:14:07

phone and the management of parental controls on my computer

Unknown: 00:14:13

and my phone to do friends of mine. And then I would go for 90

Unknown: 00:14:17

days without orgasm without sex without relationship. And yet, I

Unknown: 00:14:22

would still be looking at softcore porn, which kept those

Unknown: 00:14:25

neural pathways alive and then when I started having sex again,

Unknown: 00:14:29

everything would break down and I would get cravings and I would

Unknown: 00:14:31

get overcome and I would just return to the same like a dog to

Unknown: 00:14:34

its vomit as the New Testament says. And I tried tapping the

Unknown: 00:14:41

Emotional Freedom Technique. I tried hypnosis. I spent really

Unknown: 00:14:45

good money. I tried Mastery Systems and landmark and

Unknown: 00:14:49

accountability partners and I even looked into sex and love

Unknown: 00:14:53

Addicts Anonymous. None of it work. Not they helped ultimately

Unknown: 00:14:57

to resolve the problem perfectly. Suddenly, all of it

Unknown: 00:15:02

helped me cope in the moment and gave me a good feeling for a

Unknown: 00:15:06

certain period of time, really. The solution for me, and this

Unknown: 00:15:12

only came very recently is a combination of three things.

Unknown: 00:15:16

purpose, connection, and cleverness with technology.

Unknown: 00:15:23

Yeah, so I can say that most people who are dulling their

Unknown: 00:15:30

edge, or numbing out using porn, and drinking and drugs, and TV

Unknown: 00:15:38

and Netflix and all kinds of things, because we're here to

Unknown: 00:15:42

live a purpose, we're here to make a difference. We're here to

Unknown: 00:15:46

give our gifts, we're here to create something in the world.

Unknown: 00:15:50

If we see that something is missing in the world, we're

Unknown: 00:15:53

meant to either become it or bring it. And, you know, it's

Unknown: 00:15:58

about distinguishing that for yourself, clarifying and

Unknown: 00:16:02

aligning with something that makes use of you to where you're

Unknown: 00:16:06

a force of nature, you are, you are impacting the world. For me,

Unknown: 00:16:11

it grew is this little five years ago, as well, I think my

Unknown: 00:16:16

purpose is to give my unique and creative gifts and talents and

Unknown: 00:16:21

service to others. I don't know what those are yet, but I'll

Unknown: 00:16:23

figure that out. That was right before I started my coaching

Unknown: 00:16:25

business. And then, during my coaching business, I eventually

Unknown: 00:16:30

realized, well, one of my gifts is events, one of my gifts is

Unknown: 00:16:34

conversations and workshops, I'm just going to keep doing this,

Unknown: 00:16:36

but here's the thing, every month I would get I would get to

Unknown: 00:16:40

a plateau of purposiveness, I would get really excited three

Unknown: 00:16:44

or four days before the event, I get super focused I I clean up,

Unknown: 00:16:47

I turn off all the porn and I you know, make sure that I take

Unknown: 00:16:51

lots of cold showers to rebuild my testosterone and my energy

Unknown: 00:16:54

and my focus. So I'd be available for my people, my 20

Unknown: 00:16:57

to 50 people I'd fill the events with. And then afterwards, I

Unknown: 00:17:05

would either have sex with my girlfriend, and then the porn

Unknown: 00:17:09

would get retriggered or I would go for a week, floating in this

Unknown: 00:17:14

plateau of energy, of enthusiasm and charisma and joy and

Unknown: 00:17:20

creativity. And then eventually I would self sabotage. And I

Unknown: 00:17:24

would hit up the porn again. And this cycle happened over and

Unknown: 00:17:27

over and over again. So that purpose though, was my anchor,

Unknown: 00:17:31

it was pulling me out, kept pulling me out over and over.

Unknown: 00:17:35

But yet, I noticed the impact of my relationships. It made me

Unknown: 00:17:40

less connected it made me feel numb in my body, it made me less

Unknown: 00:17:44

able to concentrate less fluid and fluid and capable and clever

Unknown: 00:17:47

with my words, and and creative an expression. It left a less

Unknown: 00:17:54

available for tuning into my intuition get literally left me

Unknown: 00:17:58

making less money than I would make when I wasn't choosing both

Unknown: 00:18:03

to use foreign or to have lots of sex. So the energy of

Unknown: 00:18:08

prosperity, the energy of purpose, the energy of

Unknown: 00:18:12

abundance, and the energy of sexual connection are all one in

Unknown: 00:18:14

the same in the body. They're all related to this

Unknown: 00:18:20

artist I have a supply of energy and we have the ability to use

Unknown: 00:18:24

it for what we're here for or we can squander inch, throw it and

Unknown: 00:18:28

cast it to the four winds through sex and, and random

Unknown: 00:18:32

activities that are not aligned with us. We align with the will.

Unknown: 00:18:36

When we align with our purpose, when we surrender into what

Unknown: 00:18:39

we're meant to do on this planet, prosperity follows. And,

Unknown: 00:18:44

and the fulfillment also follows. fulfillment comes from

Unknown: 00:18:49

us doing our purpose, not from trying to get happy not from

Unknown: 00:18:52

trying to get a relationship not from trying to get sex. So all

Unknown: 00:18:57

of those fall into place. Once we're living our purpose first.

Unknown: 00:19:00

Now, strategically, you may be clear on what your purpose is,

Unknown: 00:19:05

you may be focused on living your purpose and I was for years

Unknown: 00:19:09

and yet I would still use porn on occasion. And I would notice

Unknown: 00:19:13

the drop in my energy the numbing in my body, the

Unknown: 00:19:16

constriction. Eventually I came to the point where I no longer

Unknown: 00:19:20

judged myself for it. And that's one layer to remove all the

Unknown: 00:19:23

judgment, all the shame, the blame the guilt, the like I'm

Unknown: 00:19:28

wrong for this, there's something wrong with me just let

Unknown: 00:19:31

go of all those stories. And that then you can be because at

Unknown: 00:19:36

that point, you're like, Alright, I've got something more

Unknown: 00:19:39

important that I'm moving towards that will keep me on

Unknown: 00:19:42

course, that will pull me through whatever zigzags it

Unknown: 00:19:44

takes to get this behavior change. And then, you know,

Unknown: 00:19:49

number two, connection and cleverness with technology.

Unknown: 00:19:55

Right So, the antidote to all addiction is connection. And for

Unknown: 00:20:01

me living my purpose means connecting with people in

Unknown: 00:20:04

service of them, or in potential service of them showing up for

Unknown: 00:20:08

delivering podcasts or workshops or public speaking engagements.

Unknown: 00:20:14

I did a workshop called becoming conscious with polyamory just a

Unknown: 00:20:18

couple days ago, and it lit me up. And I was massively in

Unknown: 00:20:22

service. And I felt aligned with my purpose. I got another one

Unknown: 00:20:26

coming up in Austin called becoming pornography. Because

Unknown: 00:20:30

this is a common topic, a lot of people are dealing with this

Unknown: 00:20:32

right. And yet, if you're suffering in silence, your your

Unknown: 00:20:37

mind your brain, neighborhood, and there are neural pathways

Unknown: 00:20:42

that you built, you become unconsciously competent. As an

Unknown: 00:20:45

on autopilot, it's easy for you to float and drift back down to

Unknown: 00:20:50

using things and doing things that don't work for you that are

Unknown: 00:20:52

unhealthy for you. If someone like speaking to someone who's

Unknown: 00:20:56

an addict, right. But what it takes, You're the son, you're

Unknown: 00:21:01

the average of the five people you spend the most time around.

Unknown: 00:21:04

So I started to spend more and more time once I knew my purpose

Unknown: 00:21:09

around people who are also living their purpose around

Unknown: 00:21:12

people who are as committed or more committed than I was to

Unknown: 00:21:16

their purpose expressed as prosperity. And those people

Unknown: 00:21:20

didn't have these problems, those people had their attention

Unknown: 00:21:23

on other things. So as I started to get into connection,

Unknown: 00:21:26

community and conversation with these people, I started to focus

Unknown: 00:21:30

my attention to my energy, my energy on those other things, I

Unknown: 00:21:33

started to become more like those people. And you know,

Unknown: 00:21:37

finding people who don't have problems with porn, who are

Unknown: 00:21:40

living their purpose that can only help you and being in

Unknown: 00:21:43

communication, when you slip up. And you're in a space of self

Unknown: 00:21:46

judgment. And you want somebody like on a previous podcast, to

Unknown: 00:21:49

just sit with you and listen to you like letting go or clearing.

Unknown: 00:21:53

And I recommend the previous podcast for details on how to do

Unknown: 00:21:57

that with your a team and all of that. But really, I kept using

Unknown: 00:22:01

porn, up until a couple months ago, actually, I would use it

Unknown: 00:22:07

once every month or something, and I would always feel the

Unknown: 00:22:11

difference. And I'd always have to go get an energy clearing.

Unknown: 00:22:14

And I'd have to rebuild my testosterone using SAP

Unknown: 00:22:16

supplements. And I could tell that I wasn't fully present or

Unknown: 00:22:20

available for my clients, I could see a drop in my income

Unknown: 00:22:24

being a solopreneur. If it has, if it is to be it depends on me

Unknown: 00:22:28

that I'm going to just show up from me sitting on my ass and

Unknown: 00:22:31

not taking action. And especially if I'm not taking

Unknown: 00:22:34

action from an energetic receptive inflow space and state

Unknown: 00:22:40

porn is really great completely just destroying dismantling a

Unknown: 00:22:44

disfiguring any good steak and somebody feeling it like whether

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through pulling sexual energy out, or, you know, just leaving

Unknown: 00:22:56

somebody in a whirling spiral of guilt and shame. So, you know,

Unknown: 00:23:01

there were a couple things that I did during this period of

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intermittent use. And I'm about to give you the last piece, the

Unknown: 00:23:08

last piece is the most critical piece of what's put put it over

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the top. But before I get there, you know, as men speaking to

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because most is mostly men who have porn addictions. I've heard

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of women as well.

Unknown: 00:23:22

Speaking as men, our purpose and our drive and our focus and our

Unknown: 00:23:27

ability to engage powerfully with real women, in sex and in

Unknown: 00:23:32

romance and in relationships depends on us cultivating such

Unknown: 00:23:36

orgasms to porn. It's not available for any of those

Unknown: 00:23:40

things. And we become diminished, we become less

Unknown: 00:23:44

available for our life, for the vitality and the vibrancy of our

Unknown: 00:23:48

life. There's a numbing out to everything that happens for

Unknown: 00:23:53

someone who uses porn at all, to any extent. And there are lots

Unknown: 00:23:57

of men suffering in silence, assuming that it's normal, using

Unknown: 00:24:01

and overusing even to the level of six and seven figures, CEOs

Unknown: 00:24:05

of large companies, who could be massively successful, but still

Unknown: 00:24:09

feeling misaligned. And we wonder what percent of marriages

Unknown: 00:24:13

end in divorce? Well, men are over and over activating their

Unknown: 00:24:18

dopamine reward system that encourages them to seek new

Unknown: 00:24:21

partners is biology trained us rather than their oxytocin

Unknown: 00:24:25

orgasm reward system through Taoist and Tantra sex sexual

Unknown: 00:24:29

practices with their primary or their perfect partner going

Unknown: 00:24:33

deeper and deeper in intimacy and connection with that person?

Unknown: 00:24:36

Right so porn has definitely contributed to infidelity has

Unknown: 00:24:39

definitely contributed to relationship dissatisfaction is

Unknown: 00:24:42

definitely contributing to divorce and the epidemic of

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destroyed relationships and careers. So in that time, how

Unknown: 00:24:53

would I build myself back up into purpose meditation, I take

Unknown: 00:24:57

up maka ash wood garden And gokshura, which are Ayurvedic

Unknown: 00:25:02

herbs that you can get from different botanical companies, I

Unknown: 00:25:08

might recommend I have videos on creating aphrodisiac smoothies

Unknown: 00:25:12

that are also great for replenishing gene which is the

Unknown: 00:25:15

energy of purpose and the energy of action in men. So like, you

Unknown: 00:25:20

don't have to sit in silence and suffer, even if you're going to

Unknown: 00:25:23

continue using, right even if it's a thing that you don't feel

Unknown: 00:25:26

100% confident and comfortable with saying, All right, I'm done

Unknown: 00:25:29

with it. Because I did that so many times, I gave my word and

Unknown: 00:25:32

then I failed. And then I felt shitty. And then I felt

Unknown: 00:25:35

shameful. And then it made me use more. I don't want that what

Unknown: 00:25:39

steps for every level of the journey. The last piece is

Unknown: 00:25:45

obviously cleverness. One of my meditation teachers, he said, If

Unknown: 00:25:52

you can't be disciplined, be clever. So his his story about

Unknown: 00:25:56

this, as he says, Well, you know, I really wanted to go

Unknown: 00:26:03

ahead and do a long meditative journey like six or seven days.

Unknown: 00:26:08

It's called a session. It's like Samurai boot camp. He calls it

Unknown: 00:26:12

in Zen Buddhist monasteries over there in either China or Japan,

Unknown: 00:26:16

some Southeast Asia or something. And he says, well,

Unknown: 00:26:21

the way that I did this was I got myself from a rude being in

Unknown: 00:26:23

Southeast Asia. And the only place I had to live within the

Unknown: 00:26:26

monastery. So I knew that I wasn't disciplined enough to

Unknown: 00:26:29

take that that amount of time on my own and focus and do a

Unknown: 00:26:32

meditation retreat. But if it was my only option, then then

Unknown: 00:26:37

that made it easy. So you want to be firing on all cylinders,

Unknown: 00:26:41

you want all hands on deck, you want everything in service, and

Unknown: 00:26:44

supporting you to get things done. So in my case, I

Unknown: 00:26:50

discovered a couple things, I discovered an app called habit

Unknown: 00:26:55

share. And this was through my digital habits coach, by the

Unknown: 00:26:59

way, I had almost completed the work when I met my digital

Unknown: 00:27:02

habits coach, I had gone for long periods without using porn

Unknown: 00:27:06

before, but not to the point where I felt absolutely

Unknown: 00:27:09

grounded, comfortable, clear and confident that, hey, this is

Unknown: 00:27:12

done, this is over, this is not a problem anymore. Like it's not

Unknown: 00:27:15

going to happen again, there's no chance. So this app called

Unknown: 00:27:21

habit share is basically something that you declare what

Unknown: 00:27:27

you're going to do, and then you're accountable to a partner.

Unknown: 00:27:31

And every day you click the little

Unknown: 00:27:35

check mark, if you did the thing, or the x, if you didn't,

Unknown: 00:27:39

or if you're like, in some days, you you choose to do other

Unknown: 00:27:42

things or whatever, you can leave it blank, and then your

Unknown: 00:27:45

partner will notice. So you're holding yourself accountable to

Unknown: 00:27:50

doing or not doing the new behavior. Number one, number

Unknown: 00:27:54

two, there's an app called free. Freedom do. What freedom does is

Unknown: 00:28:00

it manages when, and if you have access to certain websites, to

Unknown: 00:28:07

certain activities. And you can basically create what's called a

Unknown: 00:28:14

session that regulates on your computer blocking all porn

Unknown: 00:28:20

sites. And then you start it and you set it to repeat every day

Unknown: 00:28:25

to start at 1201 because Originally, it was a

Unknown: 00:28:28

productivity app. Originally, it was like, I don't want to be

Unknown: 00:28:31

distracted by certain websites for a certain amount of time.

Unknown: 00:28:34

Then you schedule that time and it starts and then it stops and

Unknown: 00:28:37

you're like, Alright, I can go back to my aimless, mindless,

Unknown: 00:28:39

purposeless scrolling on Facebook, and Instagram, which

Unknown: 00:28:43

cancel clear, I don't do that anymore. I used to and I know

Unknown: 00:28:45

what that's like. But the way to use the app freedom net to is

Unknown: 00:28:50

just schedule it to where it starts the session blocking

Unknown: 00:28:53

those sites at 12:01am. At 11:59pm, so it's all day. Unless

Unknown: 00:29:03

for some reason you are really on a self sabotage, tear, and

Unknown: 00:29:08

you really don't know your purpose. And you really aren't

Unknown: 00:29:10

surrounded by a community of people who can help you. And

Unknown: 00:29:13

you're like, Oh, I can't wait till 12 o'clock in those 60

Unknown: 00:29:16

seconds. I'm gonna fuck this up and change things so that I can

Unknown: 00:29:19

get get around the system I created. Like, I mean, here's

Unknown: 00:29:22

what Claire don't do that. Obviously, that would be silly.

Unknown: 00:29:27

Oh, and then there were a couple self orientations that I took on

Unknown: 00:29:32

that helped me to recover and to manage whenever I had the urge

Unknown: 00:29:37

or the desire. So freedom that to works really well. Habit

Unknown: 00:29:43

share has worked really well. But there were a couple points

Unknown: 00:29:48

of orientation. So like, whenever I was feeling bored,

Unknown: 00:29:56

lonely, anxious, stressed or tired. Blast isn't bored,

Unknown: 00:30:04

lonely, anxious, stressed or tired, I would take note. And I

Unknown: 00:30:06

would take notice. And I would immediately say, Oh wait, I'm in

Unknown: 00:30:10

a low willpower state. I am distractible, I may do something

Unknown: 00:30:15

that I'm not looking forward to doing. I need to take extra care

Unknown: 00:30:19

to manage my behavior and to put resources in place. One of which

Unknown: 00:30:24

is, by the way, in. In the love languages, they talk about a

Unknown: 00:30:30

love tech, where if your partner's Love Languages touch

Unknown: 00:30:33

your you can choose to always be filling that love tank by giving

Unknown: 00:30:37

them more and more touch. And if your tank is quality time, well,

Unknown: 00:30:40

then they're more encouraged to want to fill your tank as well.

Unknown: 00:30:43

But we get to do this for ourselves. There are self

Unknown: 00:30:46

soothing and self loving behaviors, if you fill your day

Unknown: 00:30:49

with behaviors that are aligned with your purpose that you love

Unknown: 00:30:52

to do for themselves. For me, it's reading

Unknown: 00:30:56

and other habits that allow you to feel good in your life about

Unknown: 00:31:03

what you're up to where you don't need to seek compulsively

Unknown: 00:31:07

hits of dopamine through outside stimulation, then, porn won't

Unknown: 00:31:12

really be a problem. Of course, one of these habits of self love

Unknown: 00:31:16

is going to bed on time. between nine and 10pm is when our

Unknown: 00:31:20

nervous system most of us depending on your chronotype,

Unknown: 00:31:23

which is something you can look up and take a test to figure

Unknown: 00:31:26

out. Depending on your your nervous system, generally people

Unknown: 00:31:31

get the best rest, if they're asleep by 10 o'clock, and waking

Unknown: 00:31:34

up before 7am. This is just looking at neuroscience. And I

Unknown: 00:31:39

can speak a lot from personal experience. So like if you're

Unknown: 00:31:43

staying up late, if you're drinking, if you're doing

Unknown: 00:31:46

alcohol or drugs of any kind, you are literally setting

Unknown: 00:31:51

yourself up for failure and self sabotage. If you are hanging out

Unknown: 00:31:56

with people who use pornography, you're setting yourself up for

Unknown: 00:31:59

self sabotage, you're set if you're hanging out with people

Unknown: 00:32:02

who casually like say, oh, porn is just a thing. It's not a

Unknown: 00:32:06

problem. And maybe it's for them. But it is a problem for

Unknown: 00:32:12

you. So hanging around with somebody who can, who has it in

Unknown: 00:32:16

in their life can be a trigger, cognitively into rethinking

Unknown: 00:32:20

like, oh, maybe I can use it. And then you creep back into Oh,

Unknown: 00:32:24

shit. Now I'm compulsively using six times a day or something. So

Unknown: 00:32:29

notice the conditions in your life and which ones are

Unknown: 00:32:34

productive of you being a user and which ones are not set up,

Unknown: 00:32:39

set the game so that you can win, create a game that you can

Unknown: 00:32:42

win, get enlist the help of your technology, through habit, share

Unknown: 00:32:45

and freedom to notice when you're on blast when you're

Unknown: 00:32:49

bored, lonely, anxious, stressed and tired. and manage that

Unknown: 00:32:52

manage yourself with extra care. Fill up your own love tank by

Unknown: 00:32:56

doing things that you absolutely love, so that you're distracted

Unknown: 00:33:00

by stuff that's that's actually enhancing and uplifting you and

Unknown: 00:33:04

empower you in your life. And then finally, there's a little

Unknown: 00:33:08

practice called urge surfing, urge Surfing is noticing when

Unknown: 00:33:16

you have the urge to do something that you don't want to

Unknown: 00:33:20

do. And we can build vigilance through neuroplasticity in our

Unknown: 00:33:24

brains where we notice, hey, I'm having this desire to do this

Unknown: 00:33:28

thing. Maybe I, you maybe I should take extra care in this

Unknown: 00:33:33

moment, because the desire is here. Because anything and

Unknown: 00:33:37

everything might queue and trigger those neural pathways of

Unknown: 00:33:40

craving for porn. And, by the way, for a lot of men, the

Unknown: 00:33:45

desire for craving for porn is is very much confused with the

Unknown: 00:33:49

desire for craving for touch, or intimacy or sex or partnership.

Unknown: 00:33:54

So having a coach working with a coach to release all of those

Unknown: 00:33:58

things, to manage that subtlety and unlock all that intricacy so

Unknown: 00:34:03

that you're fully able, like I did with a client a couple days

Unknown: 00:34:06

ago, you're fully able to express without shame from your

Unknown: 00:34:11

sexual desires, and your desire for connection short circuiting

Unknown: 00:34:18

into porn because you feel like you can't get it out here in the

Unknown: 00:34:20

world. And that's something that happens to men that's part of

Unknown: 00:34:23

what retains their use of porn is they're just like, oh my god,

Unknown: 00:34:26

I Well, I women treat me like shit and reject me and I believe

Unknown: 00:34:30

I'm not beautiful because they've told me so I'm here in

Unknown: 00:34:33

the world. So I need to use porn because otherwise I'm not going

Unknown: 00:34:36

to get my quote unquote needs met. Right when it when really

Unknown: 00:34:40

we don't have sexual needs as much as a need for the flow of

Unknown: 00:34:44

sexual energy, which is the energy of purpose and abundance

Unknown: 00:34:47

through us as gifts out into the world primarily and then into

Unknown: 00:34:52

our partners and intimate relationships. Right. So anyway,

Unknown: 00:34:55

getting back to Earth surfing, what I would do is Either I

Unknown: 00:35:00

would add, you can choose something that's a lot of fun

Unknown: 00:35:03

for you. For me, it was playing the song breezed by electro

Unknown: 00:35:06

knowmia. I had it as a link on my Google Chrome. And anytime I

Unknown: 00:35:11

got the urge in those first like, three or four days when I

Unknown: 00:35:16

was working, anytime I got the urge, I would get up immediately

Unknown: 00:35:20

go to my computer, hit the button to play the song and

Unknown: 00:35:23

dance in my kitchen. So I was creating a new neural pathway.

Unknown: 00:35:28

Yes. Whereas later there was a an autopilot response. Yeah, of

Unknown: 00:35:33

like, oh, let's go look at some soft for pictures. Yeah. Oh,

Unknown: 00:35:39

instead, I'm dancing in the kitchen. And And boy, I don't

Unknown: 00:35:43

really want to use porn anymore. urge surfing can look like this,

Unknown: 00:35:47

it can look like you just noticing that you have the

Unknown: 00:35:50

desire and being with it.

Unknown: 00:35:52

not reacting to it, not responding to it, noticing it

Unknown: 00:35:56

like a bug bite or an edge on your skin. and choosing not to

Unknown: 00:36:00

scratch. Super simple, we're able to do it with small things,

Unknown: 00:36:03

we're able to deal with huge things like this. Yeah. So

Unknown: 00:36:07

that's it, pretty much. That's how I, you know, conquered porn

Unknown: 00:36:12

addiction. It took a lot, it took accountability. So hiring a

Unknown: 00:36:18

coach, really, a digital habits coach finally was the one to tie

Unknown: 00:36:22

it all together in a beautiful bow. And it took a lot of deep

Unknown: 00:36:26

energetic work, healing traumas, from the pool of poison and pain

Unknown: 00:36:30

called the past that people all carry around relating to sex and

Unknown: 00:36:35

intimacy and my ability to be a user on on user porn, because

Unknown: 00:36:40

limiting beliefs also impact all of this because you could do

Unknown: 00:36:43

everything I just told you, but still have limiting beliefs and

Unknown: 00:36:45

self sabotage patterns, which is why recommend coats and of

Unknown: 00:36:49

course, I'm a coach, I help people with this. So if you're

Unknown: 00:36:52

interested, Aurora will share information about me in the show

Unknown: 00:36:57

notes. But yeah, was was that what you were looking for my

Unknown: 00:37:00

friends.

Unknown: 00:37:03

This was Beyond Good and informative. Like I feel I

Unknown: 00:37:08

learned so much personally. And you can really apply your tools

Unknown: 00:37:13

that you provided us on every addiction to help. Yeah, create

Unknown: 00:37:20

new habits and get out of that vicious cycle. And sexual energy

Unknown: 00:37:26

is just the most strongest feelings and energy that roams

Unknown: 00:37:32

inside of us. And to suppress it, of course is going to create

Unknown: 00:37:37

illness or weirdness in your head. And we just have to all

Unknown: 00:37:41

learn to channel it into like you said, purpose and and

Unknown: 00:37:45

something productive for society and for the people around us.

Unknown: 00:37:50

And then for ourselves. And yeah, no, this was so awesome.

Unknown: 00:37:56

Thank you so much for taking the time and for sharing all your

Unknown: 00:37:59

secrets with us. I'm sure it will have a lot of people out

Unknown: 00:38:04

there who are struggling at the moment. Thank you so much.

Unknown: 00:38:10

You're so welcome. Thank you.

Unknown: 00:38:14

Well, thank you so much for listening to this episode. We

Unknown: 00:38:18

hope we brought you value and make you feel less alone with

Unknown: 00:38:24

it. It is possible to get out of that vicious cycle and to enjoy

Unknown: 00:38:30

intimate relationships again, on a deeper level. Thank you so

Unknown: 00:38:34

much. And please don't forget to write me a review or rate my

Unknown: 00:38:39

podcast on Apple podcast. When you scroll all the way down. You

Unknown: 00:38:44

will see you can leave me a couple of stars here. Thank you