In this episode of Odejuma, Harry speaks with Lamont White, better known as the Gay Dating Coach. A former therapist turned matchmaker and the founder of Better Way to Meet, Lamont has spent over a decade helping gay men navigate dating, relationships, and the search for meaningful connection. They push back on the idea that Black gay men aren't interested in lasting love, and explore what it means to date with intention, move beyond the fear of rejection, and find someone who embraces you exactly as you are.

Lamont also opens up about his own journey to marriage, a love story that unfolded on its own timeline and taught him a few things about readiness, trust, and choosing love. Honest and funny, Lamont challenges the stories we tell ourselves about love and reminds us that we get to write our own.

Connect with Lamont on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thegaydatingcoach/

Learn about Better Way To Meet here: https://betterwaytomeet.com/

Connect with Harry on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harryitie

For more information on Harry, visit: https://www.harryitie.com/

Get Odejuma delivered straight to your inbox, alongside personal reflections on the episode, by subscribing to the Substack here: https://odejuma.substack.com/

Support my work: https://buymeacoffee.com/harryitie

Hi, my name is Hari Tie, and welcome to Odejumma.

Odejuma is an ishakiri farewell that loosely translates to till tomorrow.

But for me, I look at it as a promise that there is so much more in life to look forward to.

And this interview driven storytelling podcast is rooted in that promise.

So as you take the time to listen, I want you to feel that as we go deeper with folks from across the Black diaspora, exploring the adventures, resilience, joy, and the ordinary moments that change their lives, that you would have a good, hearty laugh or you find something to sit with.

Because there's power in the stories of everyday people.

And these stories are worth telling.

Hey, y'.

All.

Welcome back to another episode of Odejumma.

I am Harry T. I'm super excited about my guest today.

If you are anywhere in these Internet streets, you know who I'm allowed to speak with.

He is the famous gay dating coach, Lamont White.

Super excited to have him to dish about all the exciting things in the world of matchmaking I get to know a little bit better.

So thank you so much, Lamond, for joining us.

How you doing today?

I am doing awesome.

Thanks for having me.

Just to have a conversation.

It's good to chat with you again, Harry.

Yeah, for sure, for sure.

Like I said, everybody knows who you are, knows your work.

A lot of people have come on shoot your shot Wednesdays to try and find the love of their life and all the good stuff.

But before we dive right into your work, that is quite important and quite impactful, can you give us a little bit of background about who Lamar is and when did you decide that?

Okay, fine.

Helping queer folks find love is something that I really want to do as a career path.

Sure.

So I'm Lamont White.

I tell people my name is the gay dating coach.

Apparently they think that's just my name, but that's my social media handle.

The Gay Dating Coach.

I do exclusively just work with gay men as far as doing private dating coaching sessions.

And I send them on dates with compatible guys based on their preferences.

We don't record.

These are guys who are looking for love, looking for companionship.

So I've been doing that for a little over 12 years.

I have a strange background in counseling and public health, so I like to merge those.

When I was doing counseling for a long time with gay couples, I would notice Harry.

Like, I would be in a session and I'd be like, why did these two guys even decide to get into a relationship?

I think we have friends like that where you're like, you all should have just hooked up and moved on.

Right.

So I would.

I would.

Over and over again, I would find myself doing couples counseling with that same type of couple.

So I said, why don't I go back and get a certification in dating coaching and matchmaking so that I can teach gay men how to pick the right type of guy, how to argue appropriately, how to sustain a relationship.

And I've been doing that, like I said, for about 12 years.

And I absolutely love it.

I do.

Yes.

How has that journey been like for you?

I think that I don't wanna.

I don't wanna.

I don't wanna lean into stereotypes.

Cause I'm a black gay man as well.

But there is a level of idea that a lot of black queer folks have, black gay men specifically, that, you know, love is an illusion.

Girls just want to be outside.

Nobody really wants to do anything.

Nobody really wants to date, basically.

So how would you say that is for you?

Who is this is.

This is how you feed your family.

This is how you make your money.

But, you know, there's a notion that nobody really wants to be in a committed relationship anyways, you know?

Yeah.

So I have a different perspective.

And maybe it is bias or maybe I am spoiled because I get to really see some awesome guys, like some quality men.

When guys come to me, they are in the mindset of I am not perfect, but I'm open to growing and they're looking for love.

So my dating coaching clients, my matchmaking clients, I know people say there's piss in the dating pool.

No, that is not my experience.

Whenever I'm having conversations with my dating coaching clients or my matchmaking clients, because it's like meeting someone who wants to meet a fitness coach.

Right.

They're paying money to get results, so they put in a hell of a lot of work.

So those are the types of guys that I interact with.

Of course, if I go like to a singles event, I may see guys who play games.

But however, I will tell you, and particularly black gay men or gay men of color, they.

They are of substance, they are of quality, and they want something that is sustainable.

Yeah.

Yes.

I think with matchmaking, for example, I think that there is a level of questioning.

And I think that with Married at First Sight, that's currently.

This current season of Married at First Sight, that's currently going on.

And the idea of the matchmakers that were involved in putting those couples together, there's a lot of conversation already online about how people already have a distrust for matchmaking.

Service, they feel like sometimes it feels a little too scientific in quotes.

Answer X amount of questions, then these are the people that you're probably compatible with.

How do you engage with folks who have serious critiques when it comes to, you know, matchmaking services in general?

Well, I will tell you, you brought up Mary at first sight.

That is reality tv.

All right, I've had my go at reality tv.

Working with Bravos.

Love Match Atlanta.

Previously, a lot of that is for entertainment.

You all would not want to watch something.

Here's the thing.

That organically and grows healthy.

That's boring.

That's not worth watching tv.

Y' all like the mess.

Mm.

You like the mess.

That's why you all pop the balloon.

Cause it's stuff that you can be like, oh, that person is crazy.

Right?

No, Matchmaking is totally different.

It's a different experience.

I do think you have to mix the science with experience with coaching.

You can't do matchmaking in a silo where you can say, do this.

Hey, do this survey, and this should be a good fit for you.

No, you have to.

There's chemistry that you have to work on, and then also, you need some coaching.

And I like to be able to mix all of that.

One of the things that most of my clients, before they hire me, they will say, they ask a couple questions.

What are your degrees in?

And do you have a man?

Right, Right.

So.

And what is your experience?

So I have all of that, and I feel like you need that so that when you are going through the journey of helping someone to find love or even sustain it, because we all get nervous sometimes or our insecurities show up or we sabotage relationships.

So I've been through that journey, right?

So I like to be able to share with my clients some of my experiences, but also what the science says about what works.

Well,.

Funny you asked this question before.

I was gonna.

Before I was gonna.

I was gonna ask you to take me through what that process is like to get into it.

But you said that your people always ask you, are you.

Do you have a man?

You know what I'm saying?

And I think that that's a common thread of conversation, even when you're hanging out with your friends and you can see that, you know, your partner is treating them crazy, and they're like, oh, well, you.

Where's your partner?

Or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Do you feel like it's possible for someone who is single to also be a matchmaker and help you find the right match, or do you think that it's something that a little bit of experience in that department helps.

And being.

Being an effective matchmaker.

I do think single individuals can be successful matchmakers.

I pride myself on being able to help my clients stay together.

Right.

There's a difference between dating and being with someone five, six, ten years later.

Right.

Cause you know when that fantasy wears off, when that mundane who's taking the trash out, who's paying the bills, when he has pissed you off to the 10th degree and you are still there.

Hmm.

Some matchmakers don't have it in them.

Hey, they don't.

They don't.

Right.

So, you know, I've been with my partner since I was 26.

We've been friends a very, very long time.

So we have a long time relationship.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's really about how do you get two gay men to stay together?

Anybody can fuck.

Anybody.

I can go on a date.

How do you build something where you're growing, he's growing.

And here's what I hear all the time.

I want to build something together with my partner.

Mm.

How do you do that?

How do you do that?

When you have two A type personalities who both want to be in charge, how do you navigate those conversations?

I think that is the million dollar question.

I think, how do you get two gay men to stay together?

I think that is the question that a lot of gay men are asking.

A lot of black gay men specifically are trying to figure out, how do we decide that we want to be together?

There are new words, new expressions of relationships.

People are becoming more polyamorous, more ethical, ethically not monogamous.

People are finding new ways to define their relationships.

But I think that even with all of those, even with how expansive it is, y' all don't cancel me.

Even with how expansive it is, I feel like people are still struggling to find that piece.

So I think that you.

You saying that it's not just about finding a match.

It's about how do you sustain that match.

I think that is something that is very, very important.

I'm curious about.

So I'm a client, for example, Right.

I come to the gay dating coach.

You don't have to give me all your secrets, you know, you know, sign up, you know, go sign up, go for a consultation.

But I'm curious about what is that process?

Like, how long is it from.

I really want to find someone to be with till you found a successful match.

And now we're together and is there Some level of.

Because I know your background also involves some counseling and some therapy for couples.

Does that also include post when they've also become a match as well?

Great question.

So we are very detailed, okay.

And I tell people we are not McDonald's.

So if you want something quick and fast, you should go to Jack, Grindr, Sniffies, all those other types of dating apps.

Okay.

Typically I work with my clients for about 12 months.

So it is not go on a date, whatever, figure it out.

I have a couple who are getting married in January and I've been with them for three and a half years doing coaching sessions after they've been gone on dates.

So as long as you are dating one of the matches I've sent you on a date with, I still do check ins.

I offer support.

What we do for our new matchmaking clients, which I always insist we do a photo shoot because most guys don't know how to take really good pictures at all.

Right.

So we make sure we have great pictures.

We do a psychological assessment by trained therapist just to make sure there are no deeper issues that we may need to refer out for.

Because I am not of the mindset that everyone should be in a relationship.

There are some people who should stay single.

There are some people who should stay single for a season, right.

There's no pressure.

And if that's the case, we tell guys, come back in six months, right?

Do some coaching sessions or therapy, come back in six months when things have changed.

So after they do the psychological assessment, we, we do coaching session sessions and then we start sending them on dates with guys.

Wow.

That is how long is the process between.

You know, the initial process is like a couple of months and then.

Cause I know there is that layer of the intake process and then there's the layer of you're going on dates and then like you said, you've been with a couple for three years.

How long is the intake process and how long do you be like.

So say you bring someone five different candidates and you're like, oh, I don't like this five.

Find me more.

Do you have like a cup?

Okay, absolutely.

Absolutely, yes.

Because this is not like, this is not like dating ads where you swipe left, swipe right.

Typically the onboarding process is about 30 days, right.

And then that second month you should be going on dates.

If I can't send you on a date within two months, I'm not the guy to work with, Right.

If your travel schedule's crazy, if there's too much coaching needed, I'm not gonna onboard you as a matchmaking client.

I'm gonna say, hey, let's do coaching sessions.

Right?

But also, I have my matchmaking clients give me pictures of guys who they think are attractive because I might think somebody is gorgeous and they're like Lamont or vice versa.

So I need to be like, hey, well, what's your type?

And then we do assessments to look at compatibility, and we agree.

We agree on the types of guys that they are going to go on dates with before we even, like, sign contracts or anything.

So there's no confusion whatsoever.

So I don't really deal with a whole bunch of back and forth because I have images of who you think are attractive.

I have dating preferences, like location, size, sexual positions, open non.

I have all that stuff.

Right.

So we shouldn't be going left and right back and forth.

This.

This is not that type of service.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like your responses are Mickey B.

Because I had this question somewhere later down.

But you talk about sexual positions and you know, I love your content.

I watch your content all the time.

And I know that.

I don't know.

Lamont, do you have anything against the sides or.

Is there anything, you know, we need.

To talk about there?

Anything we need to unpack there?

So I jokingly.

I jokingly talk trash on people who identify as sides.

Okay.

I. I do.

I do.

And it gets everybody riled up in the comment section.

So the more y' all get angry, the more I'm gonna keep pushing.

You know, I'm an Aquarius, so.

Yeah, yes, yes.

Yeah.

I have nothing against sides.

I.

One of the things I am going to do a discussion group about this soon.

Since you brought that up, I want to talk about how two gay men who are sides can sustain a monogamous relationship.

Do you feel like.

Who.

Who.

Let me clarify.

Let me.

Functioning penises.

Okay, okay.

Let me let.

Functioning penises that actually like to use them.

I want to talk about, like, how they sustain it.

Because I have, you know, the metrics, what will help them sustain it.

But I want to know if other people know how to do it.

Because I guess when I'm all.

If you notice a lot of my content, I ask questions.

Yeah, I'm gonna ask a question.

Cause I want you to come up with the answer.

Because if I give you the answer, then you're not gonna do it.

Yeah, but if you think you came up with the answer, you'll be like, oh, okay, I got that.

And you're gonna do it.

So I ask questions.

So I am gonna do a conversation about how can two sides who are gay men with functioning penises can sustain a monogamous relationship.

I wanna talk about that.

I am screaming.

You know, I want to sit in on that conversation.

I don't want to participate because I need to, but I want to.

I want to hear what.

What the people are saying.

But, yeah, that's a little bit of a sideway.

When I was reading and doing some research about this conversation, there's something that I found.

I find you saying about how, you know.

You know, talking about feelings and black gay men, how we're not really taught to express our feelings just by society and how we are, you know, socialized and everything.

As you do this work, as you try and get clients and try and matchmake them, how.

How do you help them start to loosen up and open up themselves, be a little bit more vulnerable in a way that they can express their feelings a little bit more to whoever that they are trying to, you know, go on a date with?

Yeah.

So there are.

There are coaching strategies that I do use with guys that I disclose in my coaching sessions.

Right there.

There's certain things I tell them to do.

But I'll give you an example of one of the guys who I'm working with.

He is super intelligent at work.

He is a senior leader.

He's directive.

He knows.

He's very concise, sweetheart.

Really caring guy.

When he comes home, he literally takes all that off.

He does not want to make decisions.

He'll just, oh, I'll just go with the flow.

And I told him, I said, no, no, no, no, no.

Turn that energy that you had on at work back on when you go on your dates and when you interact with another man who you're romantically interested in.

Because a man likes someone who is decisive, who has an opinion, who can lead, and you all can take turns making decisions.

So he went on a date, and the guy was like, well, where do you want to eat?

He goes, I don't know.

I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You say, give me a moment.

I think we should go here or here.

What do you think that's more attractive to.

Yeah, I don't know.

And I know that might sound small, but that shows up in every aspect of the relationship where you.

You're so passive.

It's.

It is not attractive.

So I teach guys to be opinionated, to take up space without being arrogant.

Yeah, yeah.

That would also kind of annoy me.

Like, I'm asking you where you Want to go because, you know, I want to.

I want to know what your opinions are, what your options are, you know?

So, yeah, I agree.

You want to experience life through their lens.

You want to learn more about them.

Like, that's.

That's companionship.

It's like, hey, you're good at this.

Or you've done that.

Come on, show me.

Let's do this right.

Mm.

Yeah.

I think another thing that also comes up in, like, dating is, like, the whole idea of masculinity, right?

It's like, is it at the mask for mask conversation?

Or I want someone who is masculine presenting, or I don't want to be with someone who is femme.

Or if someone is the bottom, for example, they were like, oh, I want my top to be, you know, masculine.

I'm not gonna let no, you know, self talk, you know, bend me over.

Or the idea of, you know, with folks who are, like, verse or something, it's like, oh, I don't want.

I don't want my top.

But I mean, for another person, like, all these conversations come up, you know?

But it's all hinged on there's a level of masculinity that I think black gay men specifically expect that to perform.

You know, how does that show up in your work?

And how do you navigate that with your clients as well?

Well, Harry, you might hate me for say this, but I'm going to say it.

The femtops are winning out there right now, okay?

They like.

I don't hate that.

You know, I'm just saying they are.

However, I think it's more about confidence, being comfortable in your skin, whether you present more as a man or a woman or something in between.

Another gay man.

And it's not just my opinion.

This is based off of a number of studies.

They're looking at confidence, right?

So however that shows up, whether you're ultra masculine, somewhat in between, or more femme, are you able to be comfortable in your skin?

Are you being unapologetically yourself?

Are you expressing your emotions?

Are you sharing your emotions with somebody else?

Like, that's what somebody is looking for.

That.

That.

That's particularly black gay men.

That's what we're looking for.

Of course, the media and, you know, pornography, they're showing more masculine images because that sells.

However, if you look at any gay relationship, they are okay with their partner expressing or displaying some level of femininity.

They're okay with that.

Totally fine with that.

Totally fine.

Yeah.

Do you feel like.

I think it's funny you mentioned pornography, and I think that sex is also a huge part of relationships.

Do you feel like because of these images, pornography included or media or whatnot, people are expected to perform in a certain way.

Does that also show up as well,.

If that is your blueprint?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And here's the thing because.

And I don't blame gay men for this.

It's.

This is the society that we live in.

We are isolated at times.

I'm 45, 20 years ago, you would not see this amount of presence of gay men, particularly black gay men, in media.

Like what?

Right.

Like.

So if your blueprint is Brokeback Mountain pornography and like DL guys, then that is going to impact the type of relationship that you are gonna.

That you think is normal.

Right.

However, and here's the key point is if you change your circle, if you change what you're exposed to, then you get to see the variety of our community.

You get to see the variety of types of relationships, the variety of types of men that are out there that can be compatible for you.

If you're only looking at this tiny bit, then, yeah, that's your perspective.

That is your little tiny perspective.

This is such impactful work.

You know, I think that people don't like to admit it, but I feel like we all need love in some form of way.

In some way or form.

We all need to be.

We all desire affection and a companion and like you said, someone that we could build with and everything.

So this is impactful work, but this is also work that takes from you personally.

I feel like having to invest in people's romantic relationships and having to help grow, that can take from you.

And how does that affect your personal life?

And how do you refuel yourself?

How do you refuel yourself as you are helping, navigating, sometimes navigating people's traumas in relationships?

How.

How are you able to navigate that, hold that and still go and show up and be a great husband to your partner and do all the things that you need to do in your personal life as well.

So I.

So I will tell you.

How do I say this?

So remember, I started out as a therapist, right?

And the types of people that I were working with had severe mental health concerns, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, homelessness, even.

I worked in public health.

So people were going through suicide attempts.

Like, significant trauma, like, that was deep.

So switching to doing couples counseling and helping guys sustain love, I would say, is much lighter than what I was doing previously.

When I say much lighter, much lighter, I actually, I do find it challenging.

I also keep moving forward because I Know that love is possible.

I know.

And I was sharing this with somebody else.

Being lonely for a year or two is worth the wait than getting into a bad, toxic relationship.

So I tell people, listen, stay single until it is worth it.

Stay.

So I actually get energized whenever I'm having these uncomfortable conversations with my clients, because I see them growing right in front of my face.

I see them saying, oh, you want me to do what?

Lamont.

Yes, I want you to call him and tell him that.

And they're like, okay, okay.

And they do it.

They might cuss me out, call me a little short midget and all this other type of stuff.

But then they come back and they say, lamont, it worked.

I'm like, okay, let's take it to the next level.

So I do love it.

If there are times that I feel like it's too much.

The beautiful thing about owning your own business.

I can take a break.

I can say, hey.

You, like, pause?

Yes.

Like, this last two weeks, we were celebrating our wedding anniversary.

So I told my clients, hey, thank you.

Thank you.

So I told my clients.

I said, hey, you know, I'm not gonna be responding.

I'm.

I. I'm literally like.

Cause typically, they can call me, text me.

We.

It's a very intimate relationship that I have with my matchmaking client.

They don't have to schedule appointments.

I'm like, you can call me, and we can.

We can talk about something.

But I said that.

I said, no, not for these two weeks.

I'm gonna be with my man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I can take a break.

That's good.

That's good.

I'm gonna.

I'm.

I'm probe a little bit more.

But you feel free not to, you know, answer.

Cause I'm kind of fascinated.

You met your partner, you said, when you were 26 or so, and y' all started out as friends, how did you realize that your partner was the one for you?

And how did y' all move from friends to.

Into a committed relationship?

If I must.

If I must ask.

Yes.

Yes.

So when I first met him, I had.

I was.

I was in grad school.

I had a roommate.

And we would have game nights.

We played trivia cards and all that type of stuff.

And he would come, and he had a boyfriend at the time, right?

He had a boyfriend at the time.

And he had these long locks.

Long locks, like, all the way down.

And I literally did not see it for him at all.

I was like, oh, he's cool.

But my mindset was work, school, and running the streets.

That's it.

So I was like, he's cute.

But there was nothing.

It wasn't until probably about eight years later, once they broke up, I saw him out again and I was just like, oh, he kind of cute.

He is kind of cute, right?

Did he still have the locks?

Oh, how do you cut the locks?

No, they were gone.

They were gone.

They were completely gone.

Completely gone.

I was like, he is kind of cute.

So we went on a couple dates and because we literally moved in from dating five months.

Five months.

Like, no one.

Like lesbians.

No offense to the lesbians.

Yes, yes, yes.

Like, it was five months we went on our first date and then, yeah, five months that he moved in.

I was like, I said, you're always over here.

Why don't you move in?

Like, what's up?

Yeah.

And I think the difference was I was in a space where I was open to having a long term relationship, like mentally and emotionally.

I was in that space.

And it would not be just for any and everybody.

It had to be for a specific type of guy.

And he actually checked those boxes.

But the 25 year old Lamont.

No, absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

Yeah.

That is so.

That is so interesting.

I think that a lot of things that a lot of thing that comes up with people when they're dating black queer folks is that we're thinking about, okay, I met this person two weeks ago, but I already, in my mind, I imagine my future with this person.

But if I say anything close to that, that I'm doing too much, that I'm being too clingy, that I'm.

I'm jumping the gun.

So I'm gonna keep shots.

I'm gonna pretend like I don't really feel anything.

I'm gonna act like we gotta take our time to date.

And then we will date for maybe 1, 2, 3, 4 months.

And then maybe in our fourth month, we cannot become exclusive.

And then maybe from our fourth month.

Yeah.

Then we cannot move in together.

Then maybe after that year we can talk about marriage, you know?

So I feel like.

Is that.

Do we need to throw all those.

Oh, absolutely, Harry.

Yes.

Throw it away.

I think the beautiful thing about being a gay man is that we get to write our own own stories.

I will tell you.

So also, if you remember, I told you so.

I knew his friend, his boyfriend.

Right, right.

He wasn't my friend, but I knew him.

Right.

And in certain gay communities, they're like, well, you can't date my ex, or you what?

I Would be.

I would not be married right now had I took that logic.

Right.

But what if it was your.

What if it was your.

So I get that because you didn't know.

You didn't know the friend personally, right?

You didn't know his ex personally.

I guess I just knew him.

You knew him out and about, I guess.

Knew he was.

Yes.

It would be different if it was your best friend's ex, if he was dating your best friend or something.

You know what I'm saying?

Yes.

Yeah.

I would not.

I would not know.

No.

But also, we get to write our own story.

So I told you.

We moved in after five months.

We bought a house after maybe two years.

His nephews came to live with us when they were in middle school.

They both are college grads now, working and living.

Right.

And then we got married after we bought the house.

Mm.

So some people will say you have to do it a different order.

No, you do it in your own timing, in your own order.

Whatever works well for you.

I think the key is communication and also establishing a strong sense of trust.

Like when I say a strong sense of trust, where I feel comfortable sharing finances, being transparent about.

I feel comfortable sharing my intimate secrets or my family.

If a person can meet those milestones, why not keep moving forward?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm a little curious because you mentioned communication, sense of trust.

Another thing people bring up is intentionality.

I think that is the.

I feel like that's the most used word in gay.

Everybody wants someone who's intentional.

When you go on.

Even you go on jacked or sniffy.

People are looking for intentional people from Tinder to Sniffles.

But, yeah, I'm curious.

What does intentionality look like when you're dating?

And I feel like a lot of people don't understand what that word means.

Sometimes it feels like I don't understand what that word means.

From your experience, what would you say intentionality looks like when people.

When we're talking about dating as black.

Gay.

Black.

Gay folks.

Yeah.

So.

And a lot of people don't want to do this.

They want it to happen natural, or it's just supposed to be easy, or they want the other guy to do it right.

So we talk about being intentional.

You are intentionally trying to impress that guy.

You are intentionally trying to make an impact.

You are intentionally trying to make an emotional connection.

You are intentionally trying to make space in his life for you or vice versa.

If you're not doing that, you're one of the people that say, oh, let's just go with the flow.

Like, you're literally one of the people who say, let's just go with the flow.

And we all know what happens when you just go with the flow.

Yeah.

You end up in this situationship, which I completely hate.

Like, I hate.

I am not a fan of.

Oh, let's get into a situationship.

Waste of time.

Waste of time.

Do you feel like there's ever a scenario where it's okay to go with the flow?

Is there a scenario where it's like, you meet someone, you're really.

You're not particularly sure if they might be the one, but you also don't want to, you know, toss them away or be like, okay, fine.

I'm not really sure where I stand with you.

If we vibe, if we connect, but I also don't want to not try and then regret 10 or five years later.

So let us see where we land.

Let us.

No, no.

Because what you do end up doing is playing yo yo with the person.

You end up playing like, I want you close to me, but, oh, no, go.

Not go.

Go over here.

What?

No, come back.

Come.

It's the back and forth.

Why not just investigate your question?

You're not sure if the person's a good fit for you.

Why not investigate?

Investigation looks like, let's go on a date.

Investigation looks like, oh, I might need to meet your parents, or I might meet.

Meet your family, or I might need to experience a certain emotion with you.

Why not investigate?

Oh, I know why you don't want to investigate.

Because you're afraid of rejection.

Because you got fired.

That's a human thing, right?

It's not a human thing.

We're all afraid of.

We're all afraid of rejection.

Yeah, because you're going to find out that he's actually a quality guy and he doesn't want you.

Oh, damn.

Cause that's what we tell ourself.

That's what we do.

If I find out he's actually quality and he rejects me.

What, my ego's too big for that, right?

Mm.

Yeah.

So instead you'll say, I'll just.

I'll play the game.

I'll play the game.

Exhausting.

Exhausting.

So the recommendation is investigate, ask those questions, and be sure if y' all are aligned.

Yeah, right.

And absolutely.

And don't take rejection as something that is personal unless you are doing something that's totally wrong.

Like, there are some people who are arrogant, who are not considerate of other people, who play games so that, yeah, guys are gonna reject you.

Then that is something that you need to work on.

Right.

That is something you need to work on.

But if you are moving in a healthy way and intentional.

Intentional about who you are and just being your most authentic self, and a guy rejects you, that has nothing to do with you.

He might have seen something in you that says, we are not compatible.

There are.

Sometimes guys can look at you and be like, oh, you're great, but I'm into some other stuff, and you're not into that stuff, so let's just end it, and that's okay.

You want a guy to do that.

Mm.

I think that.

And I hear you.

I hear you.

Totally.

I'm with you.

I think that it's just in reality, it's just hard to be like, oh, I'm really.

I really fuck with this person.

You know, they really make me laugh.

You know, maybe the sex is great and everything, and now they don't want me.

Like, I show up in a way that I feel is my best self, quote, unquote, and you still don't want me.

Why don't you want me?

I'm.

I'm amazing Harry.

Been there, done that.

Guys would be like, oh, he's too short.

Well, listen, I'm not walking around in heels or stilts.

This is the height that I am.

I talk too loud or I do too much or I'm this, I'm that.

This is me.

I want someone who rocks with this.

I don't want to be with someone who wants me to be something different because I can pretend.

I can pretend.

I can get shoes that give me a couple more inches, put a little hat on.

Boom, five inches.

But guess what?

When I take all that shit off,.

Yeah, yeah.

I am who I am.

So you want a guy who wants you, because other than that, that is going to be a miserable relationship.

Can you imagine being in a relationship with somebody who is constantly trying to change you at the core of who you are?

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

I get dizzy thinking about it.

You know, it's a lot to reflect on.

And I feel like sometimes I don't wanna.

You know, I feel like I'm just throwing out stereotypes at this point.

But I think that sometimes, like, black, you know, gay folks, there's an aesthetic that folks are looking for, like, oh, because I maybe goes back to the media thing you talked about early on.

Like, oh, this is how I want this person to look based on how I see all my favorite black queer couples look online.

So I want us to look this way, dress this way, have this vibe, do, like this and when you don't fit into that, that, that box, then it's a problem for you.

Or maybe you need to buy this or buy that.

I think that I know many or two people who have had to navigate having to be in that kind of situation where it's like I constantly feel like I'm performing or putting on an audition for my partner, and I don't want to do that.

It's exhausting.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So in situations where guys are not finding guys who think they are attractive, I always say, change your surroundings.

You have to go to places where people appreciate you for who you are.

If you stay in the same spaces where people are constantly trying to change you, you're going to piss yourself off.

So if that means going to the conference, going to the cabin trip, going to whatever, save the money up and go, go, go, where people are going to celebrate you.

This is an interesting conversation.

I feel like we've gone.

It's already layers.

I want to take us to, you know, initially.

And this happens.

It's a conversation that people say, there is space in the dating pool.

There's space in the dating pool for Lamont White, the gay dating coach.

There is no piss in the gay dating pool.

Right.

Am I right to say that?

Or there is piss in the dating pool.

I will just say the.

Was the TLC lakes and streams and rivers that you're used to.

No, I'm joking.

I'm just saying that the matchmaking clients and dating coaching clients that I experience, totally different type of guy.

There are some really awesome guys out there.

I think there are some negative experiences that people have gone through and that has shaped their perspective.

I get it.

But there are some great guys out there.

There's some great guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, you heard it from Amant.

There's some great guys.

You got to open up your mind.

You got to open up your heart, your spirit.

You got to be willing to receive what people are, what people are offering.

I have a question about dating.

As someone who is actively dating, people always say, if you're talking to one on one person at the same time, then I don't want to deal with you like it has to be me or no one else.

And this is maybe like within like a week of meeting them, or people want you to constantly engage and text and call in a week of meeting them.

I have those expectations.

Right.

So if I'm dating multiple people, then you're not being intentional, you're not being serious.

If I'M not responding to every text, you know, within a five minute span, then you can't.

You don't communicate well.

You know, what would you say to folks like that who have those expectations?

Or are those even the right expectations to have?

Are we all dating wrongly in that regard?

I would say, get a grip.

If you expect a man to be exclusive with you in the first week of knowing you, why does a man owe you, Owe you that?

They don't even know you.

Like, they.

They literally.

You're a stranger.

You.

You might be awesome on paper, but that's just it.

It's just paper.

We haven't got to the surface of who you are.

We haven't got into, you know, if you're even compatible yet.

That's the purpose of dating.

People think dating means relationship.

Dating is us experiencing each other to see if we want to be in a relationship, if we want to be in a relationship.

No, we're gonna get to know each other, spend time together, gather information to say, yes, let's be exclusive.

And that could take months.

That could take weeks.

Mm.

I would call it a red flag if a man is like, first date, oh, we're exclusive.

Who the hell are you?

And it's giving, controlling.

It is giving.

Like, I turn her over there.

I'm for real.

I'm like, yeah, you don't know someone.

Who are you?

Yeah, so you say, I haven't run it.

I didn't even run a background check on you yet.

Who are you?

Do you run background checks on your clients?

Absolutely.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Cool, cool.

So are we saying that we do so you day first and then you become exclusive?

Is there a window between exclusivity and now we're officially in a relationship?

Or can that, like, intermarriage and be the same thing?

So it really depends on the person.

Some people are what I call time daters, where they're like, we have to date for three months and then we can make a decision.

Other people are experiential, where they have to experience an emotion.

They might have to experience an argument.

They might have to experience sex.

They might have to experience something for them to say, hey, let's take this to the next level.

Figure out what type of dater you are and communicate that.

Communicate that to the other person.

You're like, hey, you know what?

Yeah, I would love to be in an exclusive relationship.

In order for me to make that decision with someone, I need three months or I need to meet family or I need to feel like I'm a Priority or I need to feel like I'm in love.

I need to feel like there's a direction.

But instead of people communicating that, they just go with the flow and see what happens.

But they need to say, I'm this type of dater, and this is what's gonna make me want to lock someone down.

We're going back to the go with the flow thing again.

See why it doesn't work.

Yeah, I feel like, you know, I.

Maybe.

Maybe there's a quiz you can come up with.

I'm sorry I'm giving you more work, but maybe, like, so that we can figure out what kind of daters are we?

Because I feel like a lot of times we're just winging it as we go along.

From whether we are 25 to in our 30s or folks even in their 40s, people are just trying to figure out dating as they go along.

Maybe what could be helpful as a quiz to know what kind of dating that we are?

I know there's the love Languages quiz, and there is.

Yes, yes.

Are you avoidant or are you.

All those personality types and everything.

So maybe that's something that we can also figure out to figure out what kind of daters or how we like to date or something.

So I love that.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

What is the thing you've learned over the years about love that people don't really understand?

Basically, love is not enough to sustain a relationship.

You.

It's not.

It's not.

You have to constantly, every day choose each other.

It is.

You choose to physically be there mentally, be there financially be there to actually be attentive, to be vulnerable.

It is literally a decision to say, am I going to talk about this with him?

Am I going to do this?

And if you don't have that within you with the person, then it's not going to.

It's not going to.

Love is not going to keep that together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That is really good.

Do you have any, like, you know, you did the Lives on Wednesdays.

Do you have any, like, test.

I don't want to say testimonials because that sounds like.

It sounds like criminal, but do you have any, like, success stories that have come from those lives that kind of, like, warms your heart when you think about the work that you're doing currently in community?

Oh, definitely.

So on my website for the matchmaking piece betterwaytomeet.com There are definitely testimonials front and center of people's results that they get from working with me.

And then on Shoot yout Shot the dating show, which is fun.

It is pure entertainment and a lot of fun.

Couples will come back on and share updates.

But I will tell you, Harry, this is so funny because I get to see the dating process.

People come on the show, they're like, oh, yeah, I flew out to Los Angeles to go on a date with this guy and they'll show me pictures of them together.

And then a month later, oh, I can't stand him.

He's this.

And it's.

And then they send me pictures again and I'm just like, this is a whole drama.

My DMs could be a dating show if you just looked at it, though.

So I tell people there's a disclaimer.

I don't guarantee anything with the dating show.

This is purely entertainment.

And may the odds be in your favor.

May the odds be in your favor.

Would you ever do a proper, like.

Well, I mean, it's still proper.

Cause, you know, we are in the age of the digital.

But would you do.

Would you like, go on TV again and do like, maybe like a matchmaking show or a gay dating show or like a married at first sight gay edition or something of that nature?

Is that something that you will do?

I think that will be something interesting to do.

But here's the thing, though, and I always have this conversation, like, do gay men really want to see our.

Do we really want to see ourselves?

Like, do we want to see.

Not like the Zeus version of ourselves, like the fighting whatnot, but do we want to support and see the evolution of relationships on tv, Especially if it looks different from what you think works for you?

I'm curious.

I want to see.

I will speak for myself as Harry.

I want to see.

I tell people all the time, like, I love a lot.

I love dating shows, and I want to see black gay people love on each other.

I want to see us figure it out, you know?

So, yeah, I would want to see that.

I feel like right now we have popped the balloon, which I think is entertainment.

Like you say, it's just entertainment.

And I feel like a lot of people that go on, they need therapy, but it's always fun to watch, right?

Pop the balloon.

There are a billion different iterations of those.

It's entertainment.

It's entertainment.

Yes.

But we need a proper.

We do need a proper gay dating show that explores those dynamics you speak about that we can see an evolution of two black gay men meet each other.

Here's what.

Here's what.

I hate to cut you off.

Here's what I'm going to hear, oh, they both bottoms.

Oh, he's too femme.

Oh, he taking advantage of him.

Like, we as gay men will discredit a couple's relationship because it looks different from what we think it should look like.

So we don't support it and we talk trash on it, but then in the same breath we say we want to see it.

I think that.

I think that with everything.

You're interviewing me on my show.

This is so cool.

I feel like.

But I feel like with anything that is done on television, I feel like folks will have critique.

Right.

I'm sure even Wednesdays that you do on Instagram, people have critique, you know, even based upon.

Based on that already.

I don't think that, that.

I don't want to say that that's never going to not happen, but I think that for every two person that's going to hit on the stuff, there'll be 10 people who will love it, who will be transformed the thing and will want to do better.

There's a reason why shows.

I know this is a bad example, but Love is Blind is very popular, right.

Doing different iterations in different cities.

Because in the end, I think everybody wants a little bit of romance.

Everybody loves romance.

Yes.

And I think that I feel like we deserve that kind of.

We deserve to have that in whatever iteration it comes or it's in reality or scripted or a movie or a film or dating show, whatever it is.

I believe that we also deserve something like that too.

Yeah.

Which is very important.

Your work is important, Lamont.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I totally agree with you.

But in order for that to happen, two things have to happen.

We as black gay men need to affirm and support different relationships, one on one, within our communities.

When we see it, like, the gossiping has to stop.

Two, we gotta support it.

If you see a show that you're like, hey, they're showing us, you need to like, click, share and support.

Yeah, yeah.

That is real.

Well, before we let you go, we're gonna do some rapid fire questions.

This has been such great conversations, but we wanna know who you are a little bit more, a little bit intimately.

And so the first one is, what are the three songs that are currently on your playlist right now?

Oh, who was I listening to?

It was.

It was a Jodeci song earlier today.

I like Jodeci and kj.

No, Kasey.

Who else?

India Ray.

What else did we.

Were we listening to today?

I don't know.

Lady saw some reggae.

Why not?

Okay, okay.

Shout out to reggae.

Shout out to reggae.

What's the best date you've ever been on?

Where do y' all go?

We.

What did we do?

I think it was so fun.

We did indoor rock climbing one time.

That was fun.

That was a lot of fun.

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, cool.

What is the worst dating advice you hear constantly repeated?

Is there bad dating advice I hear over and over again?

Make the top pay for dinner.

Okay.

I know you're based in Atlanta.

What restaurant would you recommend for folks who live who are in Atlanta to go on a date?

Whether it's your first date or their third date, what restaurant has the vibe for, like, a date night?

Um, who's a good.

A good restaurant?

Something that's more.

A little bit more interactive.

Who would I like?

So I don't.

So here's the thing.

I don't send my clients on dinner dates.

Oh.

I never send them on dinner dates.

So I talk to them.

I'm like, what?

Where?

So.

Cause they have to do an activity.

Like.

So it's gonna be bike riding, pottery painting, something like that.

So I will say there is a Pont City Market.

This Pont City Market is a rooftop.

There's a restaurant up there, but they also have an adult carnival on the roof.

So there's a slide games, all that type of stuff.

So I would say.

I like that.

Yeah, Yeah.

I like Pond City.

I like that.

I like that spot.

I was.

Because I do another podcast with my friend Bia we talked about.

I was like, oh, are you going to the rooftop?

Because I really like that rooftop.

And, you know.

Yeah, it was a.

It was a nice convert that happened.

If you could ban something from every dating app, what will it be?

The ban.

Can I ban something?

Oh, the ghost profiles, like, the blank ones.

If you don't have a picture that's really you, then I would ban those.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where's your dream travel destination?

Have I gone to there already or do I want to go back, is the question.

You could do both.

One you've been to and one you want to go to.

I would love to go back to Lagos and just, like, spend a week there.

Yes.

In Nigeria.

Victoria Island.

Yes.

I'm Nigerian, so shout out to that.

Okay, I think we talked about that.

Yes.

So listen, listen.

I just sat back and just.

I think the women are gorgeous.

Like, and they got.

And, like, I just.

The garb.

Money.

When I say money.

And just.

I can just sit there, like, all day.

Yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah.

And where do you want to go to?

You said you've been to Lagos.

Already, right?

Yes.

But I didn't get a chance to actually do some more of the touristy things, so I want to do that.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, cool.

What is your guilty pleasure?

Pizza and trash tv.

Okay.

Your favorite trash.

What are your favorite trash TV shows?

So I still watch Jerry Springer every now and then.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

And every housewife, you know, you can think of.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, cool.

Lamont, this has been such great conversation.

Like I said, I really appreciate your work.

That you do.

What is one thing you want to leave our listeners with as they, you know, learn more about, you know, what it's like to navigate dating as black, you know, queer men?

What you want to leave?

What nuggets do you want to give to the people?

Yeah.

Putting in the work and the effort, it's definitely worth it.

But you got to put in the work and the effort, it is worth.

It's totally worth it.

It's totally worth it.

But that starts with you.

That starts with you.

Awesome.

Awesome.

Thank you, Lamont.

I really appreciate you for coming on Odejuma and thank you for listening and watching wherever you are getting your podcast.

We really appreciate it.

I will share links to Better Way to Meet and Lamont's Instagram the Gay Dating coach in the description so you can check it out.

You can also ask for a consultation.

Who knows, you might find the love of your life pretty soon.

Well, thank you so much for listening or watching.

I'm Harry Ta.

Until next time, Odejuma.