In this episode I speak with client Heather Hester a podcast host and coach for parents and allies of LGBTQIA+ adolescents and young adults. She believes the coming out process is beautiful. She works with her clients to let go of fear and the feelings of isolation so that they can reconnect with themselves and their child in a meaningful, grounded way. 

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• Heather Hester
• Website: Chrysalis Mama

Podcast: Just Breathe, Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen

Hey welcome to sheet coaches coaches, I'm your

host Kandi motsek. And I'm going to help you find the clarity,

confidence and courage to become the coach that you were meant to

be. If you're a new coach, or if you've always wanted to be a

life coach, then this is the place for you. We're going to

talk all about mindset and strategies and how to because

step by step only works when you have the clarity, courage and

confidence to take action. Let's get started. Hey, friends, and

welcome to she coaches coaches. I've got another special guest

episode here for you. Today. I'm interviewing Heather Hester. Now

Heather is a podcast host and a coach for parents and allies of

LGBTQ i A plus adolescents and young adults. She believes that

the coming out process is beautiful. She works with her

clients to let go of fear and the feelings of isolation so

they can reconnect with themselves and their child in a

meaningful, grounded way. She is a writer, a mother of four, two

of whom are LGBTQIA. And a student of life who believes in

embracing the messiness opening to education, strengthening

through empowerment, and overcoming anything with love.

Her podcast is called Just breathe, parenting, your LGBTQ

plus teen podcast. Heather is a remarkable woman. And even

though her official bio is impressive, there were a few

things it doesn't say. So let me tell you the real deal. I could

tell you my perspective on Heather. But I think these

comments about her podcast are so much more evocative of the

woman that I'm speaking with today. So let me read some of

them to you. Powerful, profound, so needed, what a breath of

fresh air. Your centered, calming voice and demeanor

helped me feel so peaceful. I have learned so much and feel so

much less alone after listening. And I think that probably gives

you a pretty good idea of the kind of individual that Heather

is. Alright, you're ready. Let's dive in. Welcome, Heather. I'm

so glad you're here.

Thank you so much candy, I am delighted to be

here. Thank you for inviting me. And that is rather humbling to

hear you read that out loud.

Right. That's what I thought too. Usually I write

something and I'm like, this is incredible. I'm looking at your

website. And I'm like, when like, you know, I'm assuming

that you put those comments on your website, and they're from

reviews of your podcast. And it's all fine and dandy to copy

and paste them. But then when you hear somebody else say them

to you, you're like, oh my gosh, right? Like,

yes, I got a little teared up, I have to be

honest, I

was like, that's really nice that they said those

things. I'm so glad they felt that way.

And not only that they felt that way. But I know

how hard it is to leave a review for podcasts like you really

have to put the effort in to go through the steps and put that

in. So it's not just that they said the words, but they really

invested their time and giving you that feedback. To me that's

just like,

everything. It really is. It really is for you

know, all of us who have ever left or attempted to leave a

review. It's not an easy process, you would think it

would be a lot easier. But yeah, it's it. It's very intentional

process. So I do not take that lightly that people have kindly

left their really honest thoughts and feelings. So

yeah, right. I love it. So let's start with

your story. Tell me a little bit about your story. And, you know,

I know that it's the precursor to why you're doing everything

that you do. So I'd love to hear it. Sure.

I will, I will do my best to give you the very

high level cliffnotes version of it. But essentially, I am the

mom of four and my oldest came out as gay five years ago. In

fact, it will be five years next Wednesday, and I remembered the

date specifically because not only wasn't my father in law's

birthday, but my husband and I had gone out of town for a

Couples Retreat weekend. And my parents As we're watching my

kids now my kids at the time or Connor, who's the one who came

out, he was 16. He is 21. Now, he was 16. And then they were

1311, and nine. So they were in that lovely, you know,

adolescent preteen teen time, which I'm sure many of you can

identify with. And my parents were so lovely to all, you know,

they helped us out a lot. They lived out of town, but they

would come in once a year. So we could go out of town. This was

like a really big deal. I was so excited. And about six and hours

into being on this couple's retreat at a spa, which is like

my holy grail. My mother called that Conor was missing. And

after a few hours of searching, calling the police calling

friends, I caught her finally picked up his phone. And he

answered, crying hysterically. And he said, Mom, I've got to

tell you something. And I, you know, of course, I was so

delighted just to hear his voice. And he said, I am gay.

And I said, Thank God, I thought you were dead. Verbatim. That is

what I said to him. And he was like, you could just hear the

relief in his voice. He was so scared that we were not going to

accept him. And he was my staying with my parents. Like I

said, my parents are very conservative Christian, that is

how I grew up. He knew that it would not be okay with them. And

so by, you know, even though we always had talked about very

openly about so many things in our home, he thought that that

would not be okay with us either. So fast forward, Connor,

we get home, we start to learn, we start to ask questions, we he

starts to ask questions. Over the course of about six to eight

months, Connor went from being the kind of your typical oldest

child pleaser, overachiever, high academic overachiever,

loved playing sports, just all these very social, did a total

180 and went into this incredibly dark place. Now, one

of the many, many things that he shared with us was that he had

known for three years before he told us, he had sat with that

for three years. And nobody knew he didn't share with anybody.

And so once he came out, it was kind of like a little bit of

ripping off the band aid, but not so much like it's kind of

like when the bandaid still on, and it's like still pulling the

hairs on your arm. Like that's kind of what it was right? So he

went into this place of extreme self loathing and extreme

depression, and got himself into some very dangerous behaviors.

And to the point where we had to remove him from our town that we

live in, and had to find a safe place for him to be and and

doing this, we almost lost him to suicide, and a plethora of

other things occurred. So this is just in the first eight

months. And we have these other three little wonderful beings.

So we are on this journey, that we had no idea who to talk to

where to find information, where to get support for Connor, where

to get support for us, because as I'm sure many of you can

relate to, even now, five years later, it is much different. But

it is still that it's hard to know who your it's safe to talk

to. And it where you can find. You know, there are some great

national organizations such as PFLAG, and Trevor Project. But

local, it's hard. And so we were kind of wading through a lot of

different things at one time, very steep learning curve, et

cetera, et cetera. So Connor ended up being away from home

for seven months. And upon his return, we had some time there

where it was just kind of this lovely. Like, I always refer to

it as like the eye of the hurricane. And where we could

all I'll kind of take a breath. And at that point, I thought,

You know what, this has been hell. For us, for Connor, for

his brother and sisters. No other family should ever have to

go through this. And I know there's 1000s upon 1000s of

families going through the same exact thing. And every single

one of us are feeling isolated. And so at that moment, I

decided, I'm going to do something about this. And so

that was when I created my website, which is chrysalis,

mama.com. And I just really started as a resource site. And

as I found really solid resources, I would throw it in

there. And then I'm a writer, kind of by trade. So I just

would start through, I started throwing in blog pieces and

things just kind of my stream of consciousness thought. About a

year after that, I started the podcast, and it has been this

lovely, lovely adventure. Not only have I met so many

extraordinary people, it has been very healing for me, for my

husband, for Connor, who has been my guest on at least four

episodes, if not more, I think. But, you know, allowing him to

share his story and his perspective. And as I've done

that, you know, I've realized that people have started

sharing, and people have started reaching out to me, and I've

thought, Okay, well, this is, this is really kind of cool. I

can connect in this way. And I can provide support and provide

just some something right, so people don't feel so alone. And

you know, there there's a lot more to Connor specific story,

which if you are interested in curious, you can find on my

website, you can also find encounters episodes, if you want

to hear it directly from him. So that is that is my long winded

answer. I'm very sorry, Kenny. But that that is

that was sorry. That was great. And I think one

of the things that's so powerful is that when you listen to your

podcast, you get to hear Connors perspective on it as well, you

know, so you're supporting the parents and allies of this

youth. But then they use could also hear a perspective too. And

so that is a very, that's a very unusual place to be able to see

both sides of the relationship, the coming out how a

relationship develops, how parents can support kids, how

allies can support youth, and then to hear the youth side of

it as well. Right. So I've got a question for you. I always have

questions. I'm a coach, I've got a million questions, right. And

they're always

good.

Yeah, if you were able to share with any of the

listeners on this episode, especially those who are on this

journey. So first place that you would direct them to. Now I just

have to tell you that not everybody that listens is in the

US. We've got quite a wide international community, but of

course, everybody has Google. Right? So first place that you

would go, you know, especially for these parents, grandparents,

guardians, aunts and uncles, where would you go to get a

start?

Honestly, at this point, where I am right

now, I would direct people to my podcast, because I There are so

many different pieces of information and topics that are

covered and questions. I do a lot of that not a lot, but I've

done several episodes with specific listener questions. So

I really try to there's a lot of what people are wondering, you

know, thinking asking, and it's theirs, there's zero judge Enos

about us, that's very just, I'm, for better for worse. I'm, I'm

very real on it. So even, I mean, especially when it's

Connor and I talking back and forth, like you really get a

good sense of it's, it's real. And so, because that's, you

know, as I'm sure many of you can imagine, has been a big part

of this journey is our relationship and how did that

You know, how did it grow? How did it change?

So, and it shows people what's possible for them

to? Absolutely, yeah. Yeah. I wonder what that would have been

like for you and your family if your podcast already existed in

some form, because you curate resources on the podcast as

well. You kind of have a bit of everything on there, right?

I do. Yes. It would have been phenomenal. I

mean, you my husband, and I talk about that all the time, like

the things that oh, my gosh, wouldn't that have been so great

if we could have known that or been able to see that or read

that or whatever, it is so

cool. I'm just thinking about the potential

impact that it could have on anybody, you know, and they just

go to the player, they find the podcast, and who knows how it

will transform a life? How it will make somebody's life that

much easier? Because they find you?

Well, I think it's definitely universal

information. And you don't have to be a parent or an ally. You

have to be a human being. Right. So I'm sure is uncomfortable for

people. But uncomfortable is not bad. Uncomfortable is good.

Right?

So how we think about the uncomfortable exile,

like if we resist it, and push it away and shy away from it?

We're our own worst enemies, right?

For sure we are for sure we are. And I say that

because I had to learn that not because I am like some, you

know, why is being that is always known these things.

Pretty much everything I talk about is something I learned the

hard way or let learned through practice. So

I was oh, it's weird, because I had this

thought, oh, that's the best way. And I'm like, What's that

the hard way is the best way? What are you talking about?

There's one of my weird self limiting thoughts.

You know, I always think like, those are the

lessons that you I think, remember the first time around,

because it's really hard. Like, you don't have to do it again,

because you get it the first time. Some lessons that are a

little more subtle, I think you it's 234 times where before

you're like, ah, yeah, that's, that's what I'm supposed to be

getting there.

So first place to go is to your podcast, to my

Patterson search the episodes, listen to something that speaks

to you that maybe answers a question that you have. And then

what? And I know that I didn't prepare you for this question.

But just, you know, like, people love to know that they can, that

there's a safe, secure place for them to go a non judgmental

place where they can go, and they can start to absorb, and,

and learn learn a new way. But it's nice to know that there's a

past here too, right? What's What do you think?

Well, I think there are, are multiple paths

here

the path that I like the most, because it appeals to me, and it

would have appealed to me very much, so five years ago, is it's

very personal. And so I have options of being in a group

setting with others who are in the exact same place, or on the

exact you know, on the same journey because nothing is

exact, nothing is the same, right? Everybody's journey is a

little bit different. But in a place, that's it, and I think

you hit on two really important words, they're safe and non

judgmental. And that is a really, really that's really

important to me, as I've created different places for people to,

to meet to talk, and for me to to talk with people. And so I

that would be my my first thing is reach out to me, I'm very,

very approachable and reachable. So and I am happy to make

suggestions because there are based on kind of what you do

what feels best to you. Some people like working in a group,

you may be a person who loves working with other people. You

may be someone who really just wants that one on one attention.

You may just kind of want to like, absorb everything for a

little bit until you get your footing. So there are options

for all of those things.

And we'll put definitely put links in the

Episode Notes. So people can make that start. They can find

your podcast and they can find your website. And then they can

take their personal path from their

question.

You know, I think about coaching practices,

specifically because that's my that's my thing. That's my jam.

Right? Yeah. And I think about business. And I've been really

learning more about this difference between a money

driven business and a mission driven business. And that really

speaks loudly to me, I have this. Of course, we should make

money. We're coaches, we provide amazing service, we help people

live amazing lives. And it's yes, and yes, money and mission.

Where do you think your mission is?

I, I think my overarching mission, which has

been the my mission, from the very, very beginning, was that I

didn't want anybody to feel alone. And that's kind of my

tagline on my podcast, wherever you are on this journey, you are

not alone. And it's evolved over time to be that and some guiding

principles. And I think the guiding principles are

definitely that's my mission now. And kind of moving forward,

which is really

helping anyone who, you know, whether you're a parent, you're

an ally, you're a curious human being. Learn how to embrace

someone who has LGBTQIA learning, becoming educated,

learning how to empower your child or your loved one, and to

be empowered yourself, because we're faced all the time with

different ideas. Right? Yeah. And, and really kind of the over

the overarching everything, which circles back to you are

not alone. That is just like my love letter to the world. It's

just love and compasses, all of that. So that that is my

mission.

That's so cool. Yeah. And there's, you know,

like when people have a place that they can go and start

learning and thinking for themselves, as opposed to just

absorbing an opinion and regurgitating it. And that

they're empowered to think for themselves. I think that that's

like the hope for humanity, right? You know, in your

particular sector, it is this group of use, but how that group

grows and matures and the kinds of adults that they become. That

is how our world will be, you know, they're creating our world

right now. Let's support everybody in being the fullest

version of themselves, instead of a version that they feel they

need to keep under wraps.

Yeah, exactly. Well, because when you are

authentically, authentically authentic, yourself when you are

you. Yep. If you can, you can do anything.

It takes so much less energy to be that you write

exactly. Just when you know think about like

the times when you're, you know when you are with the time that

you realize you are most comfortable in your own skin and

that you are just going to move through the world as you write.

Oh my gosh, you have so much more energy to do. Do what you

feel passionately about. Right care for those who love all of

those things. That's so cool. All right.

So the last question before we wrap up, yes.

What's your life motto? Do you have a life motto?

I have. I have been giving this some thought.

And I actually spent some time last night thinking thinking

about it. And this is how my my brain works is I have to figure

things out. Right? So, you know, I've, I've, how do we how do you

create a life motto, right? But what are the elements of a life

motto? These are the things I need to know. And so, you know,

I didn't come up with anything that rhymed. But because that

seems to be an important piece. But I rhyming was not my thing.

So I came up with a few words, and it's not finished yet. But

it is a work in progress. And I think it I, of course, Gandhi's

This is one of my favorites that I have sitting on a poster, but

I didn't want to steal his the Be the change you wish to see in

the world. It's one of my very, very favorite quotes, life

mottos, whatever you want to call it. So what I kind of

landed on for the moment, is Be kind, be true to what lights

your soul on fire. And always love.

I love that. That's great. Thank you for

sharing that. And also, thank you for giving so much thought

to it, as well. I have to tell you this, this is weird. That

question, I kind of keep like a series of questions that I might

ask people in a podcast interview. I don't even remember

typing that question the first time and all of a sudden it was

there. And I was like, Ooh, not so good question. I should ask

that question. It was like, I'm reading through the questions

thinking, oh, you know, just to sort of guide our conversation,

what might be good? And I'm like, I didn't put the question

in.

There. It is a really great thought provoking

question. Right? Because there are so many. I mean, it kind of

cuts through the noise, right? Like, kind of here. What are

your guiding principles? What are your core values? So how do

you want to live your life? Right? It's a beautiful

question. And love it.

Thank you. Cool. I'm so glad. And I'm glad you

got value out of figuring, you know, kind of noodling through

it and working on it. All right. Unintended homework. Oh,

everybody loves homework. Coaches love assigning

accountabilities, we don't use the word homework, we call it

accountabilities. It's a very big deal.

I like that. Well,

it was it was good. It was a very cathartic

exercise. So thank you,

cool. And listeners, any of you listeners,

the question stands for you to what is your life motto? I'd

love to hear you put that in the episode. You got it to the

comments of the blog post for this episode. Where DM me candy

Mote SEC with your life motto, and I'd love to hear that. So

Heather, thank you so much for joining me and sharing your

story and sharing the heart that you have for your family for the

community. And the amazing resource that you have gifted

the world with your podcast. It's a big deal. Now, people who

want to connect with you. I know we talked about it a little bit

earlier, but I want to get it kind of succinct right at the

end here right now. Somebody says, Hey, I have got to check

that woman out. How are they going to find you? What's the

easiest, fastest way to find you?

Well, my podcast is just breathe parenting your

LGBTQ team. My website is chrysalis. mama.com chrysalis

like the butterfly. And you can email me. I'm super reachable.

And my email is H H, like my name Heather Hester at

chrysalis. mama.com. So, reach out, ask questions. I'm happy,

happy to hear from anyone.

Right. That's wonderful. And for those of you

who are interested as well, Heather is a coach. She has

openings from time to time for people. She has a program that

she also offers. She didn't share any of that stuff before,

but I just wanted you to know. So thank you so much for joining

me, listeners. Thank you for being part of our world. And

that's it for this week. I look forward to talking to you.

Thanks again for listening today. Please hop on over to

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