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“The Ice Cream War” by Thomas “Faux” Steele
22nd April 2022 • The Voice of Dog • Rob MacWolf and guests
00:00:00 00:24:18

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In the Palazzo degli Immortali, heroic super-soldiers are trained through play. Join Anya, an adopted Immortal, as they confront destiny…

Today’s story is “The Ice Cream War” by Thomas “Faux” Steele. Writing across many genres, Faux’s work has been published in numerous anthologies including the Leo Award-winning The Electric Sewer by Thurston Howl Publications. You can find more of his work on FurAffinity.

Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.

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https://thevoice.dog/episode/the-ice-cream-war-by-thomas-faux-steele

Transcripts

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You’re listening to The Voice of

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Dog. I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,

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and Today’s story is

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“The Ice Cream War”

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by Thomas “Faux” Steele.

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Writing across many genres,

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Faux’s work has been published

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in numerous anthologies including the Leo Award-winning

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The Electric Sewer

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by Thurston Howl Publications.

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You can find more of his work on FurAffinity.

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Please enjoy “The Ice Cream War”

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by Thomas “Faux” Steele “Keep

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your eyes peeled,”

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Anya said as they scooched up close against the pillow,

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the scope of their rifle peeking out from above the top edge.

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The lithe ferret kit wriggled,

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adjusting their paw around the carbon-fiber foregrip.

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The latest model from Königin Precision Toys,

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it could put a foam dart on the bullseye of a target from twenty meters away.

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“They’re out there.

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We can’t let our guard down.” “Are

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you picking up any movement?”

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Kai peeked down at them from a quilt suspended between two wooden support columns.

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The snow leopard had unnatural sapphire eyes

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and a chipped front incisor on his right side.

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A mahogany-bodied foam flechette rifle

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handed down from his dad was slung over his back.

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“It’s been still for too long.

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They’re definitely up to something.” “So

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it seems. For now, it’s all quiet on the Western Front.”

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Anya didn’t spot any signs of life in the no man’s land between the two pillow forts.

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Most of the cushions in the Palazzo degli Immortali

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had been hastily piled up to form hazardous terrain in the middle of the playroom.

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They spotted no trace of the cheetah

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or arctic fox attempting to navigate

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the winding path from their siblings’ fort

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to theirs. “How long has it been?” “Half

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an hour,” Kai replied.

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Anya fiddled with the focus on their scope,

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leaning back to a more comfortable position.

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By Immortal standards

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Anya was in the fiftieth percentile for size,

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making them bigger than most adult ferrets at ten years old.

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Their close-cropped fur

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had a black roan mitt pattern,

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their face snow white

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except for the chocolate brown mask around their eyes.

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The augmentation process was beginning to shift the color of their irises,

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a rich emerald rising out of the dull hazel that still remained around their pupils.

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“I think we should take the initiative.”

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“I dunno about you, but I’m content to wait here all night,

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or at least until Mama gets back here with the ice cream.” Anya’s stomach grumbled,

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and they glanced over their shoulder at the snacks Kai had smuggled in to ensure their pillow fort could withstand a prolonged siege.

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“There’s no need to expose ourselves when we have the high ground.” “I

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didn’t build this fort.

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There could be some kind of vulnerability in the design to discourage camping.”

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Kai began to swing toward a rope

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made from half a dozen bedsheets twisted together.

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After he’d built up some momentum,

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he leapt off the improvised hammock and firmly grasped it.

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His oversized tail

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sprung outward to balance him.

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“I’d rather take the fight to them.

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Let’s go on a sortie, shall we?” “A

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sortie, already?

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This has escalated quickly.”

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Anya dropped down onto their paws and knees.

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They ducked into a plastic tube,

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crawling a short distance downward to reach the keep of the pillow fort.

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Kai’s position as the Viscount of Conti

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meant his playroom was well-stocked.

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Dozens of pillows lashed together with blankets had been stacked six feet high

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to form impenetrable walls.

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“Maybe we can all come to a diplomatic solution?

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A war over ice cream seems a tiny bit…excessive.

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bit…excessive.” “It’s not about the ice cream, Anya!”

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Kai shook his head.

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He gave them a little tut-tut.

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“It’s about honor!

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Glory! And not going to bed at eight o’clock sharp!” “If

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you say so, big hamshir.” Anya rolled their eyes.

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Though they had been adopted some years ago,

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they were still getting used to the idea of growing up to be a super-soldier.

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Having a glorious destiny foisted on them was disorienting at times.

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Kai was a little older

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and far more confident of his position in the pecking order.

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“You know, personally I’m content with a single scoop.

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It’s not like our parents are starving us or anything.

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anything.” “C’mon. You’re gonna let them take all that delicious ice cream for themselves?” Anya grabbed a bag of chocolate-chip cookies from a plastic table in the center of the fort.

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They flopped down in a bead-filled chair and cricked their neck.

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Anya looked around for a moment before they spotted their pine marten plushie,

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Jun. His fur, the color of spun gold,

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stood out against the carpet,

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and Anya snatched him up and quickly nestled him into the crook of their arm. “We’ll

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need to crack out the heavy ordinance.”

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Anya was dressed for the winter season, their thick mustelid fur

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augmented by a deep purple footed sleeper.

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A small faravahar

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—the symbol of the Immortal Empire

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—was embroidered beneath their right collarbone with golden thread.

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The digital camouflage belt wrapped around their waist carried extra foam darts

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alongside a variety of gadgets.

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Kai wore a similar outfit

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in black. “Should we try and grab one of the ordinance caches on our way?” “I’m

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way ahead of you.”

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Kai flipped open an ornate wooden toy chest near the rear of the keep as

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Anya tore the package apart and began cramming cookies into their muzzle.

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They could still remember the days before the augmentation process began,

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when they seemed to survive off warm sunshine and big bowls of their birth mother’s chainaki stew.

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Now it seemed like their appetite was insatiable.

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“Get a load of this bad boy.” “That’s

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quite the weapon,” Anya said,

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cheeks puffed out with a mushed-up cookie.

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Kai grunted a little

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as he brought the Wanju Amusements Corporation squad automatic weapon to his shoulder.

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It drew its dart ammunition from a gray plastic belt that was wrapped around the snow leopard’s chest.

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While they were both still growing, Anya knew that they would never match Kai in height or strength.

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“Are you sure you can handle it?”

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“I didn’t win Cadet of the Month for three months running for nothing.”

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Kai winked as he slid the belt into the feeder

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and slammed the top shut.

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Being the owner of the playroom had certain perks,

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one of them being the ability to control the audio system.

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The snow leopard scrolled through the tracks until he found something light and orchestral

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to cover up the sound of their movements.

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“Have you finished eating yet?”

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Anya replied with something incomprehensible

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as they tilted the remainder of the packet into their muzzle.

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As soon as they’d swallowed,

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they flicked their head to the side gate.

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“Are you sure this is a good idea?

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We could just wait it out here, you know.” “Still

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afraid of getting your paws dirty, eh?”

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Kai gave his snow leopard plushie,

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Stelmaria, a brief hug

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before setting her next to Jun.

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Both plushies were so lovingly detailed

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that they looked ready to pounce at any moment.

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“Wanna talk about it?” “I

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don’t feel ready.

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You all have spent your entire lives training.

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While I was helping peel potatoes,

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you were learning how to field strip a KAC Type-99 sniper rifle.”

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Anya held Jun close,

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slowly stroking his silken fur.

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“I don’t fit in among normal cubs,

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but I don’t feel like I’m part of the Immortals either.

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I’m stuck in this weird purgatory.

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You know what I mean?” “I

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understand.” Kai wrapped a protective arm around them. “We’re

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a family now, don’t ever forget that.

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People fear what they don’t understand.

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I’ve heard the way the common folk talk about us.

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Many think we’re some sort of deity.” “I

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don’t think deities regularly wet the bed.” Anya chuckled.

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“I think it’ll just take time.

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time.” “I think you’re right.”

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Kai rolled his eyes.

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He tousled Anya’s headfur

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before setting the two plushies on a nearby beanbag

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and tucking a blanket under their chins.

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“You’ll make a fine Immortal, Anya.

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I have infinite confidence in you.

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Now, let’s get moving.

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Stelle will keep Jun company while we’re out in the field.” “Thanks

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for the pep talk.”

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Anya undid the knot holding the pillows in place

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and gently brought the whole stack inside.

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The assortment of patterns and textures of the passageway’s walls were disorienting.

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Anya focused on the dull gray carpet to keep their bearings.

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The way the pillows had been haphazardly piled up made for a labyrinth worthy of King Minos.

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“Stay frosty,” Kai murmured,

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placing a strong paw on their shoulder.

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The snow leopard was alert,

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glancing at a motion tracker on his wrist

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every few seconds.

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“There could be an ambush up ahead.” “Or

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booby traps.” The Academy taught reading,

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writing, and arithmetic

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along with more esoteric courses like practical diplomacy,

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political theory,

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and guerilla warfare.

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Anya wouldn’t put it past their siblings to put that knowledge into practice.

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They had heard of a bad batch of trainees from Satrapy Eleven

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that had blown off an instructor’s foot with an anti-personnel mine a few years back.

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“What do you think they might be doing right now?”

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“Dunno. Whatever they’re up to,

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it’s not good for us.”

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Kai kept the SAW tight against his chest,

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his inquisitive eyes scanning the terrain.

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His scent sat heavy in Anya’s nostrils,

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covering up anything they might have gleaned from the ambient air.

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At least he smelled nice,

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a hearty odor like spicy pimento and cedarwood.

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“By the way, keep an eye out for any trip” —

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Anya looked down as their leading foot tugged across a thin length of stainless steel — “wires.” “Beans!” Anya closed their eyes as they felt the weight of defeat for the briefest of moments. “Watch

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out!” Kai shoved them out of the way as a claymore loaded with foam pellets sent a load of white orbs flying across where Anya had been standing a moment before.

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Anya rolled to disperse their momentum as they made contact with the carpet.

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“You need to learn to watch your step.

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One of these days

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you won’t have me around to do it for you.” “I’ll

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have my AI by then.

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then.” Anya poked their tongue out at the snow leopard

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as they took a moment to dust themselves off before springing back to their feet,

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finger on the trigger.

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A surge of adrenaline sharpened their focus.

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“Don’t you earn yours soon?” “Just

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a few more weeks until I turn twelve.

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Then Stelle becomes more than just a plushie.”

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Kai gently nudged the ferret to get behind him.

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The cushions on either side of them

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cast deep shadows,

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blocking out most of the light from the overhead chandeliers.

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“I’ll take point. You make sure our six is covered.

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covered.” “You got it.” Anya respected Kai’s willingness to take charge.

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They used the snow leopard’s scent to navigate the twisting corridors,

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though they occasionally jostled up against a protruding cushion or two.

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After a few minutes of this,

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they were no closer to the other fort.

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“Do you know where you’re going?” “We’ll

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get there when we get there.”

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Kai’s right ear perked as he held up a closed fist.

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“Do you hear that? Something’s not right.

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right.” “No. What’s up?” Anya raised their rifle,

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their claws nervously drumming on the grip.

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Anya caught the noise a moment later.

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It was the high-pitched whine

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of an electric motor.

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While they weren’t totally sure what it was powering,

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there were more than just foam dart rifles tucked away in the palace’s toy vault.

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“Oh, that. That’s not good.” “Let’s

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get into cover.

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I don’t like this.”

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Kai sprinted forward to a protected alcove.

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The noise was still some distance away,

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but the pitch was increasing rapidly.

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“Swap your sight out.

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We might be engaging at close range.” “Good idea.” Anya popped the retaining clips and detached the scope before flipping up a compact

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red dot sight. They pressed themselves up close against Kai,

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vibrating with anxiety.

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An Immortal super-soldier had to be ready for anything,

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and Anya wasn’t sure they were up to snuff.

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“Are you sure we can take them?” “It’s

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too late to back out now.”

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As the noise became almost overwhelming,

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Kai nudged their shoulder.

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He had a confident grin of his muzzle as he raised the SAW.

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“Get ready, little ferret.” The

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cushions in front of them toppled over as a half-sized Dengkai-Rouhani Leigong light tactical vehicle crashed through them.

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It had a menacing, badger-like look

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with glinting titanium armor around the wheel wells.

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A custom-built toy for Immortal cubs,

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it was far more menacing than an off-the-shelf ride-on vehicle.

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Kai held a finger to his lips as the gunner, a lithe cheetah,

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swiveled around on a turret emplacement.

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It was their hamshir,

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Mir. “We’ll find them soon!”

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The arctic fox in the driver’s seat scanned around for a moment.

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“They can’t hide from us forever.” “Let’s

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check the northeast corner.

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They could be going for the weapons cache.”

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Mir swept the turret barrel from side to side,

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her lips pursed with concentration.

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A huge ammunition belt

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loaded with hot pink darts

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dangled off the side to feed the tri-barreled anti

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-aircraft gun. She was slightly smaller than Kai,

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though no less capable.

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Her footed sleeper

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was the color of desert sand,

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matching her luminous irises.

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“Let’s keep moving.” “Are

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you ready to hijack them?”

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The snow leopard leaned in right next to Anya’s ear to whisper in a low baritone.

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“I think we can close the distance before they notice.” “What?

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Are you sure?”

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Anya gritted their teeth.

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“That seems…risky.” “What

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is life without a little risk?”

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Kai shot Anya a mischievous wink as he pulled away.

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He flexed his shoulders,

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taking a deep breath as he centered himself.

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“I think we can kick their butts.

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But I’m only gonna do it if you’re with me one-hundred percent.

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Teamwork makes the dream work.” “I

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guess I’m up for a spot of butt-kicking with my favorite snow leopard.” Anya sighed, leaning their rifle up against the wall so it wouldn’t weigh them down.

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Kai did the same. The ferret grabbed the largest pillow within easy reach

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to provide them some cover as they retrieved a foam-clad tomahawk from the belt around their waist.

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They couldn’t believe they were about to pull a crazy stunt like

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this. “Omnes una manet nox.

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One night awaits us all, right?” “Right.

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“Right.” Kai chuckled at the mention of the Immortal Empire’s motto.

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He waited for Mir to spin the turret forward

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before giving the signal to advance.

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They charged as soon as her attention was diverted,

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moving with the fleetness of foot

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and raw fury of the Light Brigade.

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By the time Mir had wheeled around, the dyad was only a few meters out

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and closing fast. Mir

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spun the barrel of the turret up,

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blasting Anya with a barrage of foam darts.

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It wasn’t enough to stop them.

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The rules—all agreed upon beforehand, of course

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—specified hits had to make contact with the body.

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Simply whacking a pillow didn’t count.

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Anya scrambled up the tailgate

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and then swung the tomahawk at Mir. “Gotta

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be faster than that!”

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Mir sidestepped.

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As Kai wrestled with the arctic fox in the front,

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Mir performed a graceful backflip,

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centering herself in the bed of the vehicle.

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She flashed her titanium-tipped claws in a show of force before re-sheathing them.

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Anya dropped their weapon,

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getting the message that this would be settled in paw-to-paw combat.

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“Come on, little hamshir.

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Let’s see how those lessons are progressing.” Unlike

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fiercely-competitive Kai,

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Mir was a natural didact.

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Anya dropped to an aggressive stance drawn from Northern Shaolin kung fu,

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one fist low against their hip,

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the other fully extended.

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Mir gave a sparring partner’s nod

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as she drew into a defensive pose,

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one paw protecting her abdomen

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while the other shot outward,

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palm facing Anya. Mir had

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always favored the Baguazhang style of kung-fu. Anya

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moved with refined power,

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punching toward Mir as they delivered a firm kick to her thigh.

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As their foot made contact,

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Mir brushed aside Anya’s paw

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and then smacked their cheek with the heel of her palm.

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Generating substantial momentum as she spun around,

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Mir delivered an elbow jab to Anya’s gut that knocked the wind out of them. “Good.

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Your technique is progressing well.”

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Mir winced as she briefly rubbed her thigh,

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though the nanites coursing through their veins would ensure any injuries would heal before bedtime.

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Obtaining a few bruises during playtime was par for the course.

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“But I know you can do better than that.

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You need to anticipate my movements.

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I know you’ve seen my sparring matches.

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The knowledge of where I will strike should come instinctually, little hamshir.”

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Anya doubled over,

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cheek throbbing and ribs creaking.

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Having vanquished the arctic fox,

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Kai watched coolly from the windshield,

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recognizing this was Anya’s fight.

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“You’re stronger and faster than me.

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It’s hardly a fair fight.” “Life

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isn’t fair. Come on, Anya.

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You’re one of the Ascended.

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It’s time to prove you deserve your place among us.”

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Mir resumed her stance.

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The cheetah was a natural-born Immortal,

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her genetic line having led both sides of the Second Interstellar War. Anya came from dirt,

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born on a nowhere planet,

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their parents killed by pirates when they were a toddler.

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Anya prepared to charge.

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“You have more fight in you than you’ve just shown me.

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It’s time to use it.” Anya snarled,

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baring their fangs.

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They took their stance as they stared the cheetah down.

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Mir made the first move,

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closing the distance between them in the snap of a finger.

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She bobbed and weaved like a tree’s branches in a typhoon,

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and Anya couldn’t land so much as a glancing smack on her.

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After Anya missed her with a spinning kick,

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Mir cartwheeled away,

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a gleam in her eye. Anya recovered,

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centering themselves.

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Mir carried with her an unshakable confidence,

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having never felt the anguish of doubt.

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It was that doubt that gave Anya strength.

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Mama had selected them personally,

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giving them the strength to protect those who could not protect themselves.

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Anya would not disappoint her.

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It was time to show Mir

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that they were just as much an Immortal as she was. Anya

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took the initiative,

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matching Mir move for move.

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Mir dodged Anya’s sweeping kicks and tight punches

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as she circled them.

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Mir flowed like a playful breeze

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while Anya struck with the raw power of a blazing wildfire.

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Their eyes were locked on one another,

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their movements speeding up until Anya was running on pure instinct,

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blows exchanged so quickly

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the action became nearly impossible to follow. Finally,

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Anya seized the upper hand as Mir’s foot caught on one of the raised drainage slats in the Leigong’s bed.

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The cheetah stumbled as she pirouetted,

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and Anya caught her as she fell.

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Flicking their index claw out,

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Anya pressed it against Mir’s throat.

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The two stared intently at each other for a moment,

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panting heavily. “I am not a teacher,

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but an awakener.” Mir nodded as Anya retracted their claw.

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“Do you feel it now, little hamshir?” “I

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understand.” Anya took a deep breath,

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their nostrils flaring.

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“Thank you for your instruction, big hamshir.” “There’s

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never a dull moment around this place, is there?”

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Ren crossed her arms in front of a room service cart supporting a massive silver cloche.

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Immortals formed kinship groups of four to raise their cubs,

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with one Immortal given the position of rada

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and its associated caretaking duties.

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The red panda was Anya’s adoptive mother and

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rada to the others.

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“Good technique, Anya. You’ll do

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a fine job of carrying my legacy.

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We’ll make an Immortal of you yet.” Anya

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blushed. While Ren wasn’t usually stingy with praise, the ferret always appreciated a bit of well-timed reassurance.

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They hopped off the bed,

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leaning against the tailgate as their heart pounded between their ears.

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A slow dissipation of the fight-or-flight response

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was one of the downsides to the Immortal augmentations. “But?”

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Mir poked her tongue out at Ren.

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Ren’s personal AI,

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Usagi, elbowed her in the side.

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She was an Angora rabbit with fur the color of a yin-yang symbol. “But

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what really matters is that you had fun.”

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Ren awkwardly rubbed the back of her head.

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“You did have fun with the pillow fort idea, right?” “Of

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course we did.”

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Mir nodded, already back to her normal level of confidence.

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“It was an excellent suggestion, Rada.” “So,

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who gets an extra scoop?

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Anya and I, right?” Kai leapt over the roll cage of the vehicle and onto the bed,

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narrowly avoiding whacking his head on the leading edge of the turret’s barrel.

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His tail thumped excitedly against the stainless-steel mount.

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“Right, Rada?” “Who said anything about only being allowed one scoop?”

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Ren chuckled, flicking her long, fluffy tail behind her.

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Usagi lifted the lid,

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revealing a smorgasbord fit for an emperor.

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Several gallons of vanilla ice cream were topped by exotic fruits,

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sprinkles, marshmallows,

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gummy candy, and more esoteric delights Anya didn’t recognize.

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“Kai, was that what your father told you this morning?” Kai

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nodded, drool dripping out of the side of his muzzle.

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He had eyes for nothing

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but the luscious sundae.

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Usagi gave him a teasing grin

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as she ladled chocolate sauce over the other toppings.

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Ren rolled her eyes and muttered a curse under her breath,

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Usagi’s long ears perking up as she snickered.

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“Yeah, well, he’s not serving the ice cream right now, is he?” Usagi filled Anya’s bowl using a serving spoon large enough to fit their muzzle inside with room to spare.

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Giving them a peck on the cheek,

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Usagi double-fisted cans of whipped cream, topping Anya’s sundae until it was on the verge of spilling over the lip of the bowl.

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Ren placed a reassuring paw on their shoulder.

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Anya was right where they belonged. “You

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did good, little one.”

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Anya watched as their other parents, a cheetah,

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snow leopard, and arctic fox,

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padded into the room.

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It was a rare and special occasion when their Pack was gathered in one place.

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Ren tugged down one of the pillow walls,

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quickly carving herself out a place to sit

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on top of a pile of cushions.

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She invitingly patted her lap.

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“C’mon. Sit over here with Mama.” Anya

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let out a soft squeal of delight and nestled up close against the red panda.

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Ren leaned down and tenderly stroked the ferret’s headfur

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as her tail wrapped protectively around their waist.

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Anya sensed their heartbeat slowing as Ren’s natural pheromones relaxed them.

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The others were doing the same for their cubs.

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“You know, this isn’t the first war that’s been fought over ice cream.” “Really?”

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Anya looked upward

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as they shoveled the sugar-filled culinary abomination into their muzzle.

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It was one of the best desserts they’d ever had.

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“Is it time for story time?” “Silly

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ferret, it’s always story time after dessert!”

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Ren’s eyes lit up

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as she began to spin her tale,

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every soul in the room riveted by her words.

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“That’s right! This was some years ago, and my cruiser had intercepted a distress signal from the P.S.R. Ambrosia and Nectar.

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Some pirates had gotten a sweet tooth and decided to steal an entire cargo hold full of ice cream.

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It was my job to get that ice cream back where it belonged…”

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This was “The Ice Cream War”

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by Thomas “Faux” Steele,

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read for you by Khaki,

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your faithful fireside companion.

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You can find more stories on the web

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at thevoice.dog,

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or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.

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Thank you for listening

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to The Voice of Dog.

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