Shownotes
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Baya called me from Basking Ridge, New Jersey. She was raised in Germany by parents who grew up in post-World War II Germany, along with an abusive older brother. In her town, everyone knew Baya was adopted, and she even knew who her birth mother was. However, to this day, Baya has not yet reached the point where she feels ready to take the next step—coming face to face with the woman she has known about her entire life.
This is Baya's journey.
Who Am I Really?
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Transcripts
242 - Maintaining My Present Peace
[:Cold Intro
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[00:00:16] Baya: I, I feel so peaceful now. And I'll basically like why open a can of worms is what it feels like right now. Yeah.
[:[00:01:21] Damon: This is Baya's journey.
[:[00:01:36] Baya: Dinkelspüle.
[:[00:01:56] Damon: Baya was the first child in their home, as an infant. [00:02:00] Second was her older brother, then third came her younger brother, who is biological to their mother.
[:
and What stood out a little bit was that even though I'm the middle child, I was adopted before my older brother because he was from an orphanage when he was a little bit older. And I was adopted as a, from the incubator actually.
[:[00:03:04] Damon: You got sick or,
[:[00:03:09] Baya: , On my bum and things like that as a baby. Yeah,
[:[00:03:14] Baya: Actually, only now that we're talking, I'm remembering it. Yeah.
[:[00:03:25] Damon: What, tell me about how you got along.
[:[00:03:42] Baya: He's super calm and kind. I'm not saying I'm a kind, but I'm like I'm just a little bit. You know, fast and active and loud, and he's very calm. And so the two of us, we got along really well. I watched out for him. I remember doing his homework for him [00:04:00] and cleaning up his room I don't know who I was, but I actually did that.
[:[00:04:15] Damon: ways. How was terrorism look like in your family?
[:[00:04:25] Baya: And. Yeah. Like physically abused me, not sexually, but physically, you know, just dominated me too, but not in a normal sibling rivalry way. Now, I mean, I don't think there's a gauge for that, but it felt really life threatening to me. And I don't know what he did to my younger brother. I don't remember him doing all those things to him, but my younger brother.
[:[00:05:06] Baya: I'm neutral, but my younger brother still won't talk to him. So I don't know what happened there.
[:[00:05:31] Damon: Is that what you're saying?
[:[00:05:54] Baya: But I, So I've grown up with that thinking that the sooner something happens, the more impactful it is. And [00:06:00] obviously it was pretty negative for my brother. So I, I thought that's where that came from. And then, and that's where I'm leaving it. Yeah.
[:[00:06:13] Damon: How did you get along with her?
[:[00:06:41] Baya: So. So I've, even though it wasn't like the warmest, fuzziest upbringing, because it was very structured with the diabetes, I learned a lot from her so that I would say the risk, the relationship is one of maybe not the warmest and fuzziest, but I really appreciate [00:07:00] some of the pieces that, that she has brought.
[:[00:07:07] Damon: Do you, as you reflect back now, as an adult, you're a mom, you know what it's like to have kids. Do you think she struggled with you adoptees? Was it the diabetes? Was it the amalgamation of your older brother's behavior and the diabetes?
[:[00:07:38] Baya: I think a lot about nature and nurture. So for sure, there's a lot of nature there as well. But in terms of nurture Being from Germany, my grandparents were the ones rebuilding after World War II. What that meant is they started with, you know, a pile of, how do you say, rubble. And they had to rebuild the country and they weren't around for their kids.
[:[00:08:22] Baya: And and for sure, my older brother compounded it with this behavior in the family. So I think all around it, it wasn't easy for her. And then it comes the nature to that.
[:[00:08:42] Damon: It's Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry, who I just interviewed. And I'm talking about it a lot now because the conversation I had was so impactful and you've already raised a couple of things the time and timing of a trauma, which you've alluded to with your adoptive brother, right? That. If in his family and [00:09:00] in the womb and in foster care, he was exposed to trauma, then he would behave a certain way towards you.
[:[00:09:42] Damon: I cannot imagine how a young lady who grows up in the aftermath and rubble of that destruction, not to mention that sort of level of global hatred and challenge that came from Germany at that time. And I know the country is very much trying to recover from [00:10:00] that image, but I can see how it would be really challenging for a person to come out of that with any level of loving skills towards being a mother with you, the very next generation behind her.
[:[00:10:12] Baya: Yeah, she was, she had to, she told me as a six, seven year old, she walked by herself to the town store with her little, I don't know what it's called in English, where you have a little doll, like a doll cart. And my grandma had put in the shopping list underneath the blanket of the doll.
[:[00:10:41] Damon: Wow. It's six years old. She was doing family shopping. Cause the family presumably was recovering, doing other stuff.
[:[00:10:49] Damon: Unbelievable. Wow. How about your relationship with your adoptive father? You've said that he had type one diabetes. There was a very sort of structured regimen around his care. What was your [00:11:00] relationship like with him?
[:[00:11:11] Baya: So I don't know what you would call it. This. The North is much more conservative than the South. The South is the one with the beer parties and the beer festivals and the beer mugs and all that. Yeah, so he was very reserved. And then the whole family dynamic evolved around meal times, fixed breakfast, fixed lunch, fixed nap, fixed dinner.
[:[00:11:48] Baya: And then there was always that rhythm, you know, that discipline that dictated everything, which, but it didn't, I mean, that's, it's not a negative, it wasn't a negative thing. It actually was a, an anchor. I didn't [00:12:00] realize that. Felt as a kid, it felt a little bit restrictive because I mean, I was one of the tennis talents in town and got this extra training and I had to like barter or beg to go to that cause it collided with dinner time.
[:[00:12:23] Damon: Grounding in knowing that here's the regimen. The structure, the schedule, I know where I need to be. And the flexibility is in between those points.
[:[00:12:33] Baya: Yeah. And from him, I have, cause my life hasn't exactly been easy, but I'm navigating well and I'm at peace. And sometimes we're like, are you missing a chip? And I'm like, no I'm just really calm. And I think I have that from my dad. Cause he always said that today's the best day I'm going to have.
[:[00:13:05] Baya: Yeah. But in a very structured way, if that makes sense.
[:[00:13:32] Damon: but I can tell you that adult Baya has turned into a competitive beast. She also shared that as she's grown up, she has really embraced social gatherings And the impacts of parties to experience community. My curiosity turned to bias desire to find her biological relatives and when the thought took hold for her to try to find anyone she was related to.
[:[00:14:10] Baya: adoptive mom, she always said that if I wanted to go meet her, she would support me. But I never quite, I didn't quite 100 percent trusted that I wouldn't hurt her. She said, it's okay for me if you want to meet her.
[:[00:14:45] Baya: Only when I had, I have two sons, Max and Sam and my younger one who is 17 now. We were, I remember we were living in South Africa at the time and he was about three years old and then. We were looking at animal books [00:15:00] and by baby cups and the moms. And I don't remember what triggered it, but he asked about me and it came out that I'm adopted and he.
[:[00:15:28] Baya: I, you know, before I was always like, yeah, I'm good. , I didn't want to do that because I didn't want to hurt anybody. I don't feel like I need to fill a void. I feel very whole. And so after he started asking questions, I think I was less dismissive about it. I think I stopped and assessed a little more.
[:[00:16:07] Baya: He's from the U I mean, he was originally from Barbados, but he lives in the U S as well. And he came to Germany with me and he must've had some magic because my mom's telling me details about my adoption that I had no idea about. So I guess this it's, yeah, it's taken this long to sort of. Slowly peel back some layers, but none of that makes me necessarily run and want to meet her.
[:[00:16:50] Damon: Yeah, what I'm hearing is you saying that for a while you kind of pushed it away, you know, [00:17:00] that when it crept up, you pushed it away.
[:[00:17:14] Damon: Yeah, what do you
[:[00:17:23] Baya: Yeah I'm laughing because we were sitting at a restaurant and I still remember in a basement, I had this heavy wooden tables and when my mom started talking, my face, I have apparently a face for everything. My face went like this and Brian started kicking me under the table so I wouldn't say anything.
[:[00:18:03] Baya: brokered manually. And it was not a closed adoption. Actually, my whole hometown knew I was adopted like on the playground. Oh, you're adopted. Yeah. And my mom actually figured out the details of who was supposed to go where and changed some details about that. That was really, yeah.
[:[00:18:26] Damon: That's crazy. So it sounds like what was happening was the manual brokering allowed for some intervention, right? That she was able to offer some opinions. That's really interesting.
[:[00:18:42] Damon: Brian pull from her?
[:[00:18:57] Damon: Baya said she has wrestled with that [00:19:00] knowledge since she learned it just a few years ago. Imagine she knew her birth mother's identity, even as a child, and knew where the woman lived. Then, as an adult, Baya learned that her adoptive mother had input into the selection process of her arrival in her family's home, as well as who the other child was in that selection process.
[:[:
[00:19:43] Baya: Yeah. She said, Hey, if you want to meet her, I'll help you. But that I could see where this is coming from. I still got that sense that I would hurt her. But my mom actually eventually gave me my adoption papers and the name is in there, the full name.
[:[00:20:16] Baya: I didn't even know the person and I get in the car and the person's like, Oh, you're such and such. you're adopted. Your birth mom is X, Y, Z and lives there. And I'm like, whaaaaat? So it was like, it wasn't a secret at all. Yeah. It's
[:[00:20:40] Damon: I mean, it's really interesting to hear. How openly everybody kind of knows the identity of you and your birth mother. That's fascinating.
[:[00:20:57] Baya: And I, you know, and everybody knowing in the playground [00:21:00] or in town, that's one thing, the fact that you're adopted, but then, That last part, who she actually was, I don't think that was supposed to happen.
[:[00:21:28] Damon: Baia chuckled a bit When she shared that she was having a bit of a midlife crisis when her desire took hold. Her health was suffering. She had some deeply impactful things happening in her personal life and work was really challenging. Baya realized at that time in her life that she needed to stop and change something. So, she went deep into her yoga practice, focused on alternative healing, and did some work on her inner child. That meant Baya was looking into her ancestry and the details of her [00:22:00] past.
[:[00:22:05] Baya: I did in my mind, I was like, okay, and I'm going to meet her. But then now looking back, I don't know, I'm assuming I got cold feet. I didn't do it, but that's how it started last year. That I went really deep and and started tracing things. And then that was, that became more of a part than in the past.
[:[00:22:32] Damon: Let me just go back for a quick sec, because you mentioned something that I have noticed a lot of people recoil from. Some folks feel weird saying my inner child and that inner child work, but the more I've talked with folks, I realized that is a serious thing that inner child stuff is there, that drama, the issues, the how we were raised, the history that we have in our lived experiences [00:23:00] in our adoptive families.
[:[00:23:23] Damon: absolutely has value. So it just struck me that the way you said it, you know, so then what did you do? You went to, you were in Germany, you said you put it out there that you were going to do it, but you got cold feet. Tell me what happened and then what'd you do next?
[:[00:23:54] Baya: I would say it was an excuse that I didn't do it. So the way things shifted, I'm sure I could have still pursued it, but I use it [00:24:00] as an excuse not to. there's no big story. I just, it's like, okay, maybe this is not the right time.
[:[00:24:08] Baya: Yeah.
[:[00:24:09] Damon: what happened. So then what happens?
[:[00:24:20] Baya: What
[:[00:24:23] Baya: You know where I'm at right now and especially speaking to you today my new excuse, my new excuse is okay, so I meet her once and then what?
[:[00:24:53] Baya: Picturing. Okay. I'm going to meet her. And then what? And what is that meeting for? Is it to bring healing to me? Is it to [00:25:00] bring healing to her? Am I, who am I upsetting? I don't know. That's where I'm at.
[:[00:25:09] Damon: First thing that comes to mind?
[:[00:25:31] Baya: I, I feel so peaceful now. And I'll basically like why open a can of worms is what it feels like right now. Yeah.
[:[00:25:43] Baya: Yeah, exactly.
[:[00:26:10] Damon: Like, why would you introduce something as potentially traumatic as this, right? Because there's a lot that could possibly go right and wrong for lack of better words. You know, you could get yourself hyped up to meet this lady and then find out that it was kind of a letdown. And then you ask yourself, why would I even have gone through this if I knew this was going to happen?
[:[00:26:55] Damon: Any of that stuff can be fulfilling for people, even if they don't [00:27:00] end up landing in a meaningful relationship with the person that they've connected with. So it's a 50, 50, right? It's impossible to know.
[:[00:27:20] Damon: Sure, learning by his ancestry line could be important information to have for her sons Max and Sam, but by hiss ancestry line culminates in her from two directions, her maternal and paternal sides. to this point, We have only explored her curiosity about her birth mother, so naturally I asked Baya about her desire to ever meet her birth father.
[:[00:27:50] Baya: Same thing. I mean, I knew he was in my hometown actually and know who he was. I know what his profession was. I know his children are and I've [00:28:00] met him. I mean, I, he was part of the town when he was alive.
[:[00:28:10] Damon: Fascinating. So then when you reflect back on having come face to face with this guy, but didn't know he was your adopted fa, I mean birth father. Like, how does that sit with you to know that you've met him, but didn't actually get to acknowledge even in your own mind, let alone saying out loud that he was your father.
[:[00:28:42] Damon: it's a really interesting. challenge that some people have is having this connection to their biological family, but not actually having the opportunity to process it.
[:[00:29:07] Baya: Yeah. I mean, we're talking one one street over growing up, one street over for your biological father.
[:[00:29:14] Damon: Wow. For real. That's crazy.
[:[00:29:18] Baya: I
[:[00:29:43] Baya: And I think that I want to make the choice. Of the side of being on meeting and then argue for the pros of that. Cause I do believe that at some point you can just choose and then argue for each side. That's what I'm thinking.
[:[00:30:06] Damon: Because to me, when you go into this, if you're not comfortable with who you are and what you want to be on the other side, regardless of what happens, it could be really challenging. So, I love that you said you're doing the work to, on your inner child, your own healing and stuff like that. Because that's a next level of foundational work that I think will make you really healthy going into trying to meet her and therefore potentially recover better coming out the other side.
[:[00:31:00] Damon: So I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting until you feel like you've gotten that pretty solid. But I do think that, Time waits for no one. And so, you know, get there when you can, and then get to see this lady and see what you can learn and then go back to your life if that's what's appropriate.
[:[00:31:18] Baya: I do know what you mean. Yeah. Thanks for that.
[:[00:31:43] Damon: And I think I like to see that juxtaposition for folks to see what they think of what their opinions are, what their feelings about their adoption and their reunion were, and then how they feel on the other side. So I hope you'll come back and share some of that. Okay?
[:[00:32:01] Damon: Of course. My pleasure. Thanks for being here. Baya.
[:[00:32:05] Damon: Yeah, sure. Take care.
[:[:
[00:32:43] Damon: It was fascinating to hear that everyone in town knew Bayer was adopted. And that she knew the identity of her birth mother when she was a girl. But even today, as an adult woman, she is working through whether her adoptive mother will truly support her connecting with her biological mother. [00:33:00] and if she is in a place in her life to even venture down the road of meeting the woman.
[:[00:33:29] Damon: I hope you'll think about your own journey with similar intention before you go forward with reunion. Unprepared. I'm Damon Davis, and I hope you've found something in Bias Journey that inspired you, validates your feelings about wanting to search, or motivates you to have the strength along your journey to learn, Who Am I Really?
[:[00:34:00] Damon: You can follow me on Instagram at Damon L. Davis and follow the podcast at W Ray. I really, if you like the show, please take a moment to leave a five star review in your podcast app or wherever you get your podcasts, your ratings really do help others to find the podcast too. And if you're interested, you can check out my story in my memoir, who am I really available on Amazon, Kindle, and audible.
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