Shownotes
What if your child’s costume choice is Halloween fun AND a first, powerful glimpse into their identity exploration?
For parents, allies, and advocates raising LGBTQ+ or “othered” kids, Halloween can bring joy and also fear. Costumes are often treated as trivial, but for many queer children, dress-up is a rare, safe opportunity to try on who they truly are. In this episode, you’ll learn how to meet those moments with empathy, curiosity, and love.
- Understand how dress-up is central to identity development, especially in queer and neurodivergent kids.
- Learn how to recognize your own fears and respond in ways that build trust and safety, not shame.
- Gain language, tools, and mindset shifts that empower you to be a grounded, inclusive parent or ally this Halloween and beyond.
Press play to discover how one costume can become a turning point for connection, inclusion, and raising brave, joyful kids.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ+ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and foster courageous, compassionate connection.
If you’re in the thick of parenting, allyship, or pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast and space where a mom and mental health advocate offers guidance on parenting with empathy, inclusion, and open-minded allyship, fostering growth, healing, and empowerment within the LGBTQ community—including lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer individuals—while addressing grief, boundaries, education, diversity, human rights, gender identity, sexual orientation, social justice, and the power of human kindness through a lens of ally support and community engagement.
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Transcripts
Costumes are never just costume.
Speaker A:They're clues, tiny acts of courage, creativity, and sometimes identity.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids and spark collective change.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:Let's get started.
Speaker A:Started.
Speaker A:In today's episode, you will discover why dress up is central to queer joy and identity exploration.
Speaker A:You'll understand the fears parents feel when kids choose costumes, and you'll learn practical ways to create safety and permission without shutting kids down.
Speaker A:And stick around for today's unlearn while I will dismantle the myth that costumes are just play and don't carry deeper meaning.
Speaker A:Welcome back to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:Today we are talking about costumes, dress up and identity, the heart of Halloween fun and also a mirror for how we see ourselves and others.
Speaker A:If you're a parent, an ally, or an educator, you care about raising creative, authentic kids.
Speaker A:But there can be that moment of tension when your child picks something unexpected where you feel nervous or uncertain or even afraid of what others might think.
Speaker A:In this episode you'll learn why costumes have always been a space for exploration, especially for queer joy and identity.
Speaker A:How to recognize your own fears without passing them down, and how giving permission instead of shutting down builds connection and trust.
Speaker A:Because when we treat dress up as something deeper than just play, we give our kids what they need most.
Speaker A:The freedom to explore who they are.
Speaker A:When your child asks to be a witch or a princess or maybe even a gender bending superhero, you might think it's just Halloween.
Speaker A:But is it?
Speaker A:Dress up equals identity Rehearsal Research by psychologist Sandra Russ shows that imaginative play gives kids a safe space to explore different roles, different emotions and different possibilities.
Speaker A:When kids pretend they're not just playing, they're rehearsing.
Speaker A:Real life, problem solving, empathy and identity and a low stakes way.
Speaker A:Through imagination, they learn who they are and who they might want to become.
Speaker A:Queer kids often use costumes as their first experiments and gender or expression.
Speaker A:Costumes equal possibility and that equals trying something on that you can't always express daily in a vacuum that is safe that draws fewer questions.
Speaker A:So why is this an issue or something that I felt was worth exploring the nuances of first?
Speaker A:It is important to acknowledge all of the feelings you may have around this topic or may just be realizing have been hiding in the back of your mind.
Speaker A:Let's name them before we look at the why these feelings can be anything from Are you feeling nervous Scared, worried, confused, or happy, grateful, amazed, or anything in between.
Speaker A:As parents, we may feel nervous because costumes can reveal truths about our child's identity.
Speaker A:We may feel scared or worried that our child will be bullied because of the costume they pick or how that costume is interpreted by our child's peers.
Speaker A:And we may feel confused because we don't understand why our child is choosing this particular costume.
Speaker A:Or we may feel embarrassed because this costume is quote, unquote different or not normal.
Speaker A:Let's also acknowledge that our feelings can exist all along a huge spectrum.
Speaker A:And we may also be feeling happiness and gratitude that our child has this moment of freedom to express themselves.
Speaker A:And we can just sit in awe and amazement at their creativity or imagination or bravery or curiosity or whatever traits they exhibit that feel resilient, grounded, and authentic in this moment.
Speaker A:Remember, we need to name and own our feelings before we can understand, tame, and potentially let them go.
Speaker A:Second, I want to take a moment to acknowledge and validate that for parents and allies of LGBTQ or neurodivergent or frankly, any child who is othered, costumes make identity public in a way that may feel risky.
Speaker A:It's holding that costumes are expected and accepted this time of year.
Speaker A:And that judgment exists around what costumes are expected and accepted.
Speaker A:It's that sneaky holding the tension of the opposites again.
Speaker A:But here is where the rubber hits the road with all of this.
Speaker A:Restriction teaches shame.
Speaker A:Permission builds resilience.
Speaker A:So how can we apply this?
Speaker A:How can we stretch the edges of our comfort zone?
Speaker A:How can we acknowledge that at least some of the fears are based on our stuff and don't belong to our kids?
Speaker A:And how can we allow our kids the space to express and explore?
Speaker A:Let's put this all to the test.
Speaker A:Think about the costume your child has chosen.
Speaker A:What was your first reaction to it?
Speaker A:Did you respond with fear, as in what will people think?
Speaker A:Or rejection, as in absolutely not?
Speaker A:Pause right now and think about the ways you could go back and approach with curiosity, saying things like, tell me why you chose this costume.
Speaker A:Or even with vulnerability like, my first reaction was because of my own fears.
Speaker A:I want you to be able to express yourself.
Speaker A:Can you tell me more about why you want to dress up in this costume?
Speaker A:If the costume itself challenges norms, Brainstorm safety together while affirming their choice.
Speaker A:Normalize exploration.
Speaker A:Emphasize that trying something for one night doesn't lock in identity.
Speaker A:It's practice.
Speaker A:It's a normal part of adolescent development.
Speaker A:Having the freedom to literally and figuratively try on their curiosities or will ultimately strengthen your child's confidence and connectedness to their true self.
Speaker A:Let's take a moment and look at Dress up through your child's eyes, especially if they are LGBTQ or othered in some way.
Speaker A:Dress up has always been central to queer joy and identity exploration.
Speaker A:It's more than costumes or fashion.
Speaker A:It's freedom.
Speaker A:It's the chance to imagine, to try on, to express without any limits.
Speaker A:For so many queer people, playing with clothes and style is how they first glimpse who they really are.
Speaker A:It's experimentation wrapped in courage, a way to say, what if this version of me feels more like home?
Speaker A:It's also deeply healing.
Speaker A:For generations, queer folks were told what they could and couldn't wear, how they could and couldn't exist.
Speaker A:So every bold outfit, every painted nail, every flash of glitter becomes an act of reclamation.
Speaker A:It's a way of saying, I get to define myself now.
Speaker A:And maybe most beautifully, it's joy as resistance and a world that still tries to box people in.
Speaker A:Dressing up in full color and confidence is a declaration, I exist.
Speaker A:I am worthy.
Speaker A:I am free.
Speaker A:That joy, that playfulness, that complete audacity to be fully seen is one of the most powerful forms of liberation there is.
Speaker A:I cannot underscore enough the importance of understanding this.
Speaker A:The Orange man, his sycophants and leadership positions and large swaths of his followers are actively trying to push all queer people, all marginalized people, back into the shadows to dictate how they can and cannot exist.
Speaker A:We, as allies, cannot let that happen.
Speaker A:Understanding this piece of queer joy and why it is so important can help us be better allies by encouraging and protecting the queer community in their expression and and their existence.
Speaker A:So circling back to creating safety and permission without shutting our kids down, how can we do that in a way that actually works?
Speaker A:Well, it starts with curiosity.
Speaker A:When your child surprises you, maybe it's something they wear or say or ask.
Speaker A:Like I said earlier, try to pause before reacting or responding.
Speaker A:Yes, this takes practice.
Speaker A:But a simple tell me more about that can turn what might have been tension into connection.
Speaker A:Being curious tells your child you're safe to explore and express.
Speaker A:Here.
Speaker A:The next piece is mirroring acceptance in small ways.
Speaker A:It doesn't always take big speeches.
Speaker A:In fact, really rarely are big speeches effective.
Speaker A:Sometimes it's using the name they ask you to, complimenting their creativity or showing up with genuine interest.
Speaker A:Those moments build a quiet foundation of trust that says, I see you and I'm not afraid of who you are.
Speaker A:And finally, separate your own discomfort from their discovery.
Speaker A:It's okay to have feelings about what your child is exploring.
Speaker A:But that's your work, not theirs.
Speaker A:You can always say to them, I need a moment to think about this, but I love you and I'm really glad you told me.
Speaker A:That balance of honesty and reassurance keeps the door open and the connection strong.
Speaker A:Here's what I know Our kids don't just want costumes.
Speaker A:They want permission to explore, to be curious, to be seen.
Speaker A:Halloween offers a rare chance to say yes.
Speaker A:I want you to think for just a moment about the messages that you got about dress up when you were growing up.
Speaker A:Think about how you react when your child wants something outside of your comfort zone.
Speaker A:And think about what would happen if you saw costumes as opportunities instead of threats.
Speaker A:Kindness Here is permission.
Speaker A:Sometimes the kindest act is letting your child play, experiment and shine, even when it scares you.
Speaker A:When we start showing up this way, curious, grounded, open, we not only help our kids feel safe, we continue the work of unlearning the old patterns that kept us small.
Speaker A:And that's what brings me to today's Unlearn.
Speaker A:Today's Unlearn is about the myth that costumes are just play.
Speaker A:We were told costumes are harmless fun, nothing more.
Speaker A:But for queer kids, they're often the first safe steps in authenticity.
Speaker A:What if we treated costumes not as trivial but as important experiments and identity worthy of our curiosity, not our dismissal?
Speaker A:This week, if your child chooses a costume that surprises you, say, tell me what you like about this.
Speaker A:And listen, don't correct.
Speaker A:When we unlearn dismissal, we reimagine play as permission, and we act our way into a kinder, more brave world.
Speaker A:Today we explored why costumes matter and how they give kids room to imagine, to express, and to experiment with identity.
Speaker A:You now know how your response can either build trust, encourage, or accidentally plant shame.
Speaker A:So the next time your child surprises you, remember, curiosity is connection, permission is kindness.
Speaker A:New episodes come out every Tuesday and Friday, so make sure you follow and subscribe so you never miss an episode.
Speaker A:And if you'd like to keep exploring what it means to raise brave, kind kids and to do your own healing along the way, you can join my weekly reflections @morehuman more kind.com that's where this work continues.
Speaker A:Thank you for showing up, for doing the work and for choosing to be more human.
Speaker A:More kind.
Speaker A:Until next time, take care of yourself and let your kids shine.
Speaker A:Sam.
