I’m so grateful for my body and everything it’s carried me through, and also...I have a lot of complicated feelings about it. After a really tough year, my body changed. My clothes didn’t fit. And navigating that has been emotional.

If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and felt a mix of love and grief… if your body has carried you through illness, caregiving, pain, or simply life—this episode is for you.

COVERED IN THIS EPISODE:

• [00:00] -  Grateful for My Body and Struggling With It Too
• [01:34] - The dreaded number on the scale
• [04:43] - How a Weight Loss Program Led to Unexpected Emotional Healing
• [07:40] - Exercising, Eating Clean, and the Weight Won’t Budge
• [09:09] - Getting an Adenomyosis Diagnosis
• [09:59] - How Chronic Stress Changed My Body
• [12:55] - The Photo That Made Me Cry and Making Space
• [14:24] - Rethinking Health and Body Acceptance
• [16:07] - My Body Carried Me 
• [19:47] - Body Changes Often Represent Deeper Emotional Grief
• [23:35] - Finding a Fitness Routine That Works with Chronic Pain and Illness
• [25:22] - Getting Diagnosed with SIBO
• [29:05] - This Too Belongs: A Reframe for Chronic Pain and Illness

RESOURCES:

• Full show notes: https://www.maybethiswillbethecure.com/blog/grateful-and-complicated

CONNECT

I’d love to hear from you:

• Spotify - Leave a comment
• Instagram - DM or comment @maybethiswillbethecure
• Email - megan@maybethiswillbethecure.com

If this podcast was helpful to you, please consider sharing it with a friend, or leaving a rating or review on Apple Podcasts. Thank you!

And to easily catch new episodes, subscribe or follow along on your favorite podcast app such as Apple podcasts and Spotify (it's free!)

DISCLAIMER

The information shared in this podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Consult your physician before making any changes to your health plan. The host, Megan, is not a healthcare provider. Always seek guidance from a qualified health professional for your individual needs.

Megan: Welcome to maybe this Will Be the Cure, a podcast where the wisdom of a healing journey meets the warmth of shared experiences.

Join as we explore the topics of healing, living with chronic conditions,

chronic pain, neurodiversity, mental health, and parenting kids with disabilities.

I'm your host, Megan.

I'm so grateful for my body,

and as someone living with chronic pain and health conditions,

it's complicated.

I've got lots of feelings about my body.

Before I dive in,

I just want to give a little disclaimer.

I know that talking about body image or weight can be a triggering topic. And obviously I'm not, like, trained in any way to talk about this in a good way.

I'm just a human just experiencing life and,

you know, trying to make sense of living in this ever changing body.

So I'm all about,

you know, protect your peace.

About eight months after my son's diagnosis,

I noticed that I had gained weight.

Most of my clothes weren't fitting anymore. My face looked pretty puffy and tired.

And eventually I stepped on a scale and I saw a number that I hadn't seen in a really long time.

I mean, I remember seeing that number when I was pregnant both times years ago,

but, you know, that was a good thing.

But before that, the last time I saw that number was at the end of my freshman year in college.

I had gotten sick. I felt awful.

I was diagnosed with candida and parasites. My mental health had suffered and I had gained weight.

And if you look at pictures from that time, my face looked so puffy and just unwell. And you can see it in my eyes. I just did not look great or feel great.

I just felt awful.

I moved home for a year, and my dad, who's a chiropractor, guided my treatment. I was on a strict Candida diet,

intense supplements. If you know about the Candida diet, I was just, like, eating light proteins and vegetables and even, like, not a lot of fruit. The fruit I was eating was all the tart fruits, tart green apples,

you know,

blackberries.

It was pretty intense.

My mom, both my parents were so supportive. My mom would, like, make a lot of my meals.

And,

you know, my dad helped me with what supplements to take, and I'm so grateful for their help. And it worked. I did get better.

But it was an awful treatment. Restrictive diets are super tough,

um, but also die off. And the supplements were awful. And I was in a lot of pain and I felt so sick. And it took about six months to start seeing some positive changes.

And then finally, after a year, I Was feeling so much better. I still had some stomach issues and headaches and stuff, but overall, I was a lot better.

I was mentally feeling a lot better,

and I had lost all the weight, and I had started working out with my then boyfriend at the time,

now husband,

and I was in, like, the best shape of my life.

I look at pictures from that time and I just look so bright and happy and my eyes are so clear and buff.

I went back up to school and my old roommate said that she almost didn't recognize me. I looked so different.

And then I had emailed my old boss to get my old job back.

And on my first day back, I went up to my boss, and I could tell right away that he didn't know who I was. He was like,

how can I help you? You know?

And I was like, it's me, Megan. You know, the girl that used to work with you, like, every day,

not even that long ago.

Anyways,

we joked about it later, and he was like, yeah, you looked a lot different.

Anyways, I vowed I never wanted to be the weight that I was when I was sick again,

Partly because of my vanity, but also because I never wanted to be that sick again. And I kept the weight off, you know, except for pregnancies, for years.

But here I was several years later,

stepping on the scale and staring back at me was that same dreaded number.

And I remember,

you know,

lots of feelings about that.

And one day I was meditating,

and I just had this inspiration that I deserve to feel good in my body. And so I started a coaching program that's supposed to support your thinking as you try to lose weight.

And it wasn't really like a weight loss program in the traditional sense.

They didn't tell you how to eat or exercise. You. You could pick your own program for that. It was just focused on supporting your brain and the thinking as you worked on it.

It's funny because some of the people in the program, the way they talked about, like, losing weight in that community,

was a hard no for me.

I've just learned a lot about metabolism and how important it is to eat enough calories and protein,

carbs, fat, and how your body needs a certain amount of calories to function. And about intuitive eating. I had,

you know,

gotten into intuitive eating for a while, and it was really healthy for me.

So I wasn't about to drastically cut calories or push my body too hard or do any too restrictive diets.

But I actually love the coaching that came with the program, and I stuck with it for Years they coach on anything, not just trying to lose weight.

And it's been seriously amazing for me.

And it helped me heal in a lot of other ways. So it's interesting how,

you know, my frustration with my body or my desire to change it is what led me to something that really has been a positive influence in my life. So my body's, like, guiding me.

One part of the program that they did do was meal planning. So, so, and the whole thing is trying to stick to your meal plan.

So I did that, and then I started exercising. I got the Peloton app and I did a beginner's weightlifting program through the app.

And it was great. But my body would be in so much pain for days after I would lift.

And after three months of really strict, you know, meal planning, sticking to my plan,

exercising, dying. Because the exercise was so hard on my body,

my. My weight was the exact same.

I started to see a little bit of muscle tone, but I still didn't fit in my clothes. I still didn't feel great in my body.

So at that point, I decided to try something else. So I bought a seven day challenge through new strength. It came with meal plan, recipes,

exercise plan, and then I just stuck with it past seven days.

And again,

my body would be in so much pain after working out and, and after being great about the meal plan and eating a certain way and exercising and dying because of how much pain my body was in.

After a few months, my weight was still the exact same.

So finally I went to my OB gyn, I mentioned the weight gain. They did labs,

and all of them came back normal.

And she had said it was probably due to cortisol, because we had talked about,

you know, it started after my life exploded.

And she was saying cortisol can cause weight gain. And so she would just encourage me to keep lifting weights, focus on getting stronger, focus on muscle growth,

rather than just focusing on losing weight.

Also, during that appointment, I had mentioned my really bad period pain that sometimes causes me to pass out.

And so she scheduled me for an ultrasound. And that's when I was diagnosed with adenomyosis,

which is often associated with stomach issues,

bloating,

which is something that I'm dealing with all the time.

So it was really cool to get that piece of the information. If you've heard of endometriosis, it's similar.

It's endometriosis. The tissue is growing outside of the uterus.

And with adenomyosis, the endometrial tissue is growing into the uterine muscle wall, and it's not supposed to be there, so.

But it can cause a bunch of different symptoms. So it was really good to get that piece of the information.

Around this time when I just been diagnosed with that and had all that blood test. My sister was getting married, so I needed to find a dress for the wedding in a specific color.

And. And shopping can be so difficult when your body changes.

I didn't know how to dress this larger, curvier body. I had to figure out what my new size was. I had to find a dress that was flattering or that I felt comfortable in.

And, you know, those dressing room mirrors and the bad lighting don't do any favors.

And it was just really emotional for me. And I ended up not even being able to find a dress.

Luckily, my mom found one for me. It was a little glitzy for my taste. It was completely covered in sequins. But, you know, my cute cousin said it reminded her of Cher, so I'll take it.

And I could just really relate to that.

2019 was the beginning of a lot of challenges for our family. And it hadn't quite hit my body yet, but,

I had experienced chronic nightly back pain. I had to pull my son out of school abruptly after months of daily panic attacks.

Shortly after that, my husband basically had a mental breakdown and know got his OCD diagnosis.

I've had three grandparents pass away in that time.

My son was hospitalized in DKA, diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

We moved abruptly. Then both my kids went into burnout.

They were both diagnosed as autistic, which I'm so grateful for. The diagnosis that fits has been so helpful, but also it's a lot of feelings to process as well.

And my body really showed up for me, and I'm so grateful, but it also took a beating.

And wow,

she just looks so, you know, younger me is just so fun, fresh and vibrant. She's skinny tone,

you know, refreshed, has all this energy,

and she's unburdened by the grief and experience that I carry now. And looking back, I love her, you know, I miss her. Some days I want to be her.

Some days I want to erase the hard stuff that I went through the past few years.

Erase the wrinkles, the extra weight, and be that young girl again.

And I know she's still in there.

But some days it's hard to see.

And instead,

when I look in the mirror, I see a more experienced woman with the perpetual tiredness on my face.

She carries this weight from the past few years,

but also she's super strong and smart.

She carries the weight well.

She's loving and filled with empathy, the kind that's only born from experience.

She's dedicated and resilient.

She's beautiful and learning to accept the changes of her body.

And I love her and I am grateful I get to be her.

So it's just complicated if all these complicated feelings about my body.

I went to this baby shower last year, and when I saw a picture of me from the shower on Instagram, my first thought was, man, I look so unwell. Like, just my face is so puffy.

I am bigger than I'm used to being.

I texted the picture to my husband with five crying emojis that went into my closet and just cried and then just felt all those feelings of like, oh, I gotta fix this, I gotta figure something out.

But once I calmed down and got some clarity instead, I was like, you know what? It's time to clean out my closet and make some space.

I don't know if you've read the Magic of Tidying up by Marie Kondo, but it's like, was life changing for me. And I love how she encourages you to process your feelings and your past through dealing with and cleaning out your belongings.

And I had been trying for a year to lose the weight, and apparently it wasn't going anywhere. So it just felt like it was time to clean out what didn't fit to make way for what does fit.

So I went through all my clothes.

If it fits and I liked it, it stays. If it doesn't fit. But I love it. I boxed it up. If it doesn't fit and I didn't love it, I thanked it and sent it on its way.

And it was emotional for me. I was a solid 2 size bigger than I used to be.

And then, you know, putting away clothes that used to fit me that I love felt hard and emotional,

but it made space.

And then I,

you know, took all those complicated feelings and met with my coach to process them.

And as we talked, I had a few realizations.

So first, a photo doesn't Always capture things very well. I don't know if you've ever tried to take a picture of the sunset and you're like, oh, man, it just doesn't do it justice.

So a picture can never fully capture me.

And also,

it's okay to be sad and frustrated, that I don't feel good, that I have health issues, that my body's changed.

And, you know, I had been having this ongoing thought of how unwell I am.

But also, she helped me see, you know, in some ways, I'm healthier and more well than I've ever been.

Some of the things that I've experienced have brought me a lot of growth,

and my mental health was in a better place than it was years ago.

And we are also talking about how there's the wisdom of the body,

and my body knows, and maybe my body needs to be at a larger size to heal at this point.

And as we talked,

you know, I was thinking how I hope I'll get better,

but if I don't, it'll be okay. I'm doing it beautifully, living a whole wonderful life.

And I'll help people from the things that I learn and gain from these experiences.

And I'm a human woman and I have an ever changing body.

And that too belongs after processing things with a coach and,

you know, getting some clarity there. I also do therapy. So I talked about these complicated feelings with my therapist and,

and I remember telling her,

I'm so grateful for my body. It allows me to experience so many beautiful things, which brings me a lot of joy.

It gave me two beautiful children.

You know, I have this condition, so adenomyosis can affect fertility. And I was on bed rest with,

for preterm labor with both of my boys.

And I don't take it for granted. I'm so grateful to have my kids.

I remember telling her how, you know, my body's so strong, and it showed up for me. My parenting experience has been very physically demanding, and my body's carried it very well.

And then, you know, my body had just carried me through a very difficult year.

It had bravely walked into the hospital with my very sick boy to get him help.

It held me up as my heart broke into a million pieces so many times that week. You know, watching them explode, explain his diagnosis to him,

hearing his sobs in the night as they came in for another poke.

You know, my body was smart and learned all the math and the information it needs to keep this kid alive.

It was soft and strong as it witnessed, you know, so many panic attacks and Screaming and food refusal and meltdowns as his autistic body adjusted to the changes of life,

of living with diabetes.

It got up multiple times a night to keep my son safe from low and high blood sugars.

It pushed through exhaustion and trauma to show up every day for my kids in those early days of diagnosis, navigating all the changes and the difficulties while my husband was working insane hours and struggling with his own mental health.

It supported me as I made calls to insurance companies, doctors and pharmacies and showed up to all the doctor and lab appointments.

It helped me find a new place to live and pack up all our belongings while managing blood sugars and meltdowns.

It held strong as it witnessed my kids intense sorrow and rage as we left their home and friends they loved as we were moving.

It supported me as I organized and settled us into our new home.

Supported me as I witnessed my kids move into autistic burnout and helped me navigate hours long meltdowns every day.

It helped me make the calls and attend the meetings and fill out the paperwork to get us resources and support day in, day out with very little sleep and melting trauma.

It showed up for me and it showed up for my family.

And I am so grateful for my body.

And of course, all that took a toll on my body and.

And I'm feeling and seeing the effects of that now.

And so sometimes when I see my tired face and my changed body in the mirror, I feel sad. And sometimes I feel sad that I no longer fit in some of my cute clothes.

And sometimes when I'm in a pain flare, I feel so frustrated and exhausted that I'm still in pain.

And I remember saying to her,

I know my body's an instrument, not an ornament.

I don't feel shame or like I did anything wrong to get here. I'm so grateful for my body,

but I still feel so sad about it. It's so silly that I'm feeling so sad about it.

And she said,

yeah, sometimes we wish it was all one way or the other. It's difficult to sit with the and I'm grateful and I'm sad.

And then she taught me, you know, sometimes our changing bodies can represent other things to us. For example, a woman going through menopause,

it can bring up sadness because it means that she's no longer able to conceive and bear children.

And she gave me this example of a woman whose life circumstances prevented her from having as many kids as she wanted. So when she was going through menopause, as she saw those changes in her body.

It represented the yearning she had for more children and that she wasn't able to fulfill. And it brought up all those feelings of sadness.

And so she suggested maybe there was more to my sadness than just a number on the scale. Scale.

And she had me think back to see if there was another time that I felt similar conflicted feelings of gratitude and sadness about my body.

And immediately I thought of the time after I had my first son. And there was such a gratitude for my body. And the amazing thing it just did. Growing a human being, pushing him out into this world, then making milk to feed him.

It's amazing.

But also,

I remember in that first six weeks postpartum, before I was cleared for exercise, my husband was doing a home workout.

And I got so randomly upset. I was so mad and sad.

And at the time, I just chalked it up to postpartum hormones. And I'm sure they played a role.

But looking back, I realized there's more to it. My body had changed so much in the past nine months and then changed even more in the few weeks following his birthday.

It was squishy and stretched out everywhere and so sore I could barely sit down for weeks. I was leaking everywhere.

And my whole life had changed. I had gone from working full time and in school full time to all alone at home with the baby that cried a lot and depended on me to keep him alive.

And here, my husband had carried on with his normal life.

Not much had changed for him. His body was unchanged. He could work out when he wanted, and he had a freedom that I didn't at the time.

He had the freedom to take care of himself in ways that I couldn't.

And I was sad that I wasn't able to care for myself the way I wanted to in that moment.

And here I am again with a body that had changed a lot in just a few months,

feeling a lot of gratitude and pride for how my body had carried me through a really tough year.

But also when I look in the mirror at my tired face and my changed body,

it reminds me of what we had just gone through the past few years. And I feel sad about that.

Months of pushing my body to take care of my family took a toll.

And at that moment, you know, my boys were still in burnout. It was still hard to take care of myself the way I wanted to. I couldn't even leave the house or work out at home without someone panicking.

But at the time, my husband could work out no problem. He had this freedom that I didn't up until recently.

At that time, when they were in burnout, they needed me in ways that they didn't need him. And when he worked out, nobody cared. He had been able to work out consistently for months in the best shape of his life.

But for me, I had a lot of barriers.

There's the barrier of my kids panic, but also the barrier of chronic pain and health issues and how every time I work out, I'm in intense pain for days beyond just the normal exercise soreness.

So each time I look in the mirror and see my tired puffy face or my bloated belly, or every time I try to wear something that used to fit or try on clothes for my sister's wedding and can't figure out my size,

it's all a reminder of how I haven't been able to take care of my body the way I used to,

the way that I want to.

And that's not silly.

And it gives me a lot of feelings,

from sadness to gratitude.

I remember telling a friend at the time, I wish I could find somebody that could work with all my time constraints and all my body issues and help me get in shape.

And actually, her brother had started a fitness coaching business and needed a couple guinea pigs.

So on our intake call, he asked about our time constraints. And at the time, my husband had, you know, tons of flexibility and very few time constraints. But for me, if I wanted to get a workout in, I had to get up before everyone and get it done before everyone woke up,

which wouldn't be a problem if that's all I had to get done in a day. But basically anything I needed to do, especially anything that required leaving the house or doesn't allow for multitasking, I had to do it while everyone's asleep or there was a chance it wouldn't get done.

So that was really tough.

And then I also talked about all my health issues, how working out puts me out for days,

how when I'm on my period since I have adenomyosis, I found that I physically can't handle working out that week. It makes me super sick.

And I'm often dealing with vertigo or intense pain that causes me to pass out, so I can't safely just push through for that week.

And he took in,

he took all that into account and made a workout plan that worked for me,

who's gentle enough not to wipe me out for days. And it worked with my time constraints.

And then he also helped me figure out target calories and protein,

making sure that my body has Enough calories to fuel it. Nothing crazy or restrictive,

but at a slight deficit.

And after working with him, finally my weight started to trend down,

but it was moving at a slower pace than what was expected for what I was doing. And I was also dealing, you know,

the symptoms of bloating even when I hadn't eaten anything or when I just woken up, and really bad brain fog and all these different symptoms. So I had another appointment with my OB and this time they found a lump on my thyroid,

which ended up not being concerning enough for a biopsy just yet, but just needs to be checked. But because of that, they also checked my thyroid hormone levels,

and they ended up being in technically the normal range, but not in the optimal range for, like, functional doctors. Or even my doctor mentioned when she was working at a fertility clinic, they wanted hormones in a specific range, and mine were out of that optimal range.

So she offered to get me a prescription for thyroid medication, but I didn't feel like I was quite ready to try that yet.

Instead, I met with a doctor that does more of a functional medicine approach.

And he did a ton of blood work,

tested me for H. Pylori that was negative.

And then based on my blood work, he started me on a bunch of different supplements. And he said, you know, if it doesn't work, we may need to test for sibo.

A couple weeks into starting the supplements, I felt awful, like,

even worse.

And my stomach was just so. So bloated still.

So I came across this book online somehow called the Bloating Belly Whisperer, which is a goofy title, but they have, like, a quiz where you can, you know, what are my symptoms?

And it tells you what might be causing the bloating.

And my symptoms matched closest with sibo.

The bloating, weight gain, digestion issues,

brain fog, et cetera.

So I went back to that doctor and I asked if we could go ahead and test me for sibo.

And even before I got the results, I decided to start eating low fodmap s described in the book.

And finally the weight started moving. I, you know, after only losing, like, a pound in months, well, years of trying to lose weight, in two months, I lost seven pounds,

and I was tested for sibo.

It's a breath test. It takes, like, three to four hours to take. You have to eat a specific diet the day before,

then fast, and then drink this nasty stuff and breathe into test tubes over the course of a few hours.

And I ended up testing positive for methane dominant sibo,

which unfortunately doesn't respond well to antibiotics.

And then I had just started a new job, so I decided to wait until I, you know,

got my footing before I started treatment. But I finally started treatment last November for sibo. Lots of supplements, low fodmap. And the supplements just totally kicked my butt and made me feel awful.

And after six months of that, I was still struggling with symptoms, and I met with a clinic that specializes in sibo.

And after meeting with them, I realized, you know,

all these other factors that were gonna be important to my healing. A big one, sleep.

And right now, with my chronic back pain waking me up every night,

I realized that,

you know, I wanted to see if I could do anything to improve my sleep.

So I took a break from all the supplements, and I decided to meet with the pain clinic to see if there's anything we could do for my back so that I could get better sleep.

And, you know, I stopped fitness coaching and switched to working with physical therapist weekly.

And as I've been less strict about the low fodmap foods and stop the supplements and the workout plan, my weight has started to creep back up,

and it's frustrating and exhausting. And also, this, too belongs.

And I got that mantra from we did that paradigm shift program about PDA parenting. And I repeat it often.

This too belongs.

Lately, I've been playing around with the idea that this is for me.

I was listening to a podcast by Brooke Castillo recently, and I realized that my body's given me so many opportunities to practice overcoming discomfort,

to learn how to struggle well, to practice trying different things,

hoping for relief and then learning from the many failures, and to keep going and to keep trying.

And I'm playing with the idea lately that these challenges are meant for me to develop strength and resilience and courage.

Lucky me.

Constantly getting that refiner's fire.

But aren't we all?

And seriously, I can apply these skills in lots of other ways.

You know, after my son's diagnosis that totally rocked my world and my whole worldview,

in my search for meaning, I've held onto the idea that my soul came here to learn, to expand, to gain experience.

And if that's the case,

wow, I am so lucky.

I'm getting so many opportunities to learn and expand and gain experience.

My coach called it an Ivy League experience,

and I like to think about it that way.

How lucky am I to get this Ivy League experience in life?

And, of course, it also sucks.

But sometimes I lean into the idea that this is all happening for me.

And whether it's true or not, it's been encouraging and helpful for me to play around with that idea. I was listening to this podcast with Miley Cyrus the other day, and she was talking about diamonds and how they're made out of under pressure and or glass, you know, beautiful glass and how it's formed through such a very intense process.

And so I'm just going to think that my body is leading me on this journey to be a, a diamond.

It's all for me.

Anyways,

I am just curious,

do you relate? Do you have complicated feelings about your body?

I'd love to hear from you if you have a minute.

And thanks for letting me talk your ear off.

Thanks for joining us today. Where dreams are nurtured, challenges are met with resilience,

and every tiny step forward is a victory hit. Subscribe so you can easily find new episodes and join this community,

because maybe this will be the cure.