What are you actually looking for in other people? Look at who you are drawn to and you find out what you think you are lacking in yourself.

How many times have you heard somebody say get rid of the voice of fear? That voice wants you living a long and well fed life. It is not the enemy. The problem is we hand other people our light instead of shining it ourselves. You see it in groups too, including quiet Zen ones, where somebody is looking to be filled by the room.

One thing to try: Name what you admire in one person, then ask where that already exists in you.

In this episode

• (0:01) Seeing life a little bit different this week
• (4:32) Get rid of the voice of fear. Except you should not
• (6:47) You see it in religious groups, and in quiet Zen ones
• (8:52) Who you were drawn to, and what it tells you
• (11:08) Handing other people your light instead of shining it
• (13:20) What it looks like in your shoulders and your voice

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
• Steven's courses, podcasts and links: stevenwebb.uk

Hello and welcome to Stillness in the Storms, the podcast that helps you through difficult times by seeing life a

little bit different. I'm Steven Webb, your host, and on today's podcast, it's more of a follow-on, really, from an

episode I'd done in the 30th of November, and all the quiet myriad of all different voices inside of us.

Buddhism, I think they call it 10,000 Voices. But this is more about becoming whole and how do we complete

all those voices? And I talk about opposites attract and are we really attracted to the opposite to us and

things like that. So by the end of the episode, you'll know a bit more about what it means to

become whole as a human and why is it important and how much it will improve your life. But before

that... I want to apologize for not doing a podcast for a little while. It seems like I say this

more often, but I just I'm a little exhausted at the moment, so if my voice is a little labor

during this podcast, please forgive me. And it's just, I had an operation in December. Things have really improved

since then. But it seems to be in January that if there was a bug somewhere, my body would find

it. If there's a virus, my body would go, hey virus, come and jump on. We can have some fun

together. And I'm just tired. I'm really tired of, my body is reminding me not to do too

much too soon. My body's reminding me who's in charge because your body is in charge, whether you like it

or not. At some point, your head can overrule your body for a few days, weeks, but at some point

the body says, uh, no, time out. And that's what my body's been doing. I've been trying to

rush the recovery process and my body's reminding me who's in charge so

That's why you haven't heard from me for a while. But things are looking much better

um But I'm taking it easy. In other news, my other podcast, Inner Peace Meditations, has been downloaded over a

million times. How amazing and how awesome is that? I just gotta say thank you to anybody left reviews, anybody

shares it, anybody that falls asleep to my podcast and my sleep meditations. You guys are awesome and I

love you and thank you so much. And that extra special shout out to the donators that buy me a

coffee, that donates that help me with paying for the podcast, paying for the equipment, paying for the monthly charges,

because it all adds up. So look, just to everybody, thank you. I am so deeply grateful. But let's get

on with today's show. I'm not one of those ones that like long intros, so... Let's get on with today's

show. And if you want to support the podcast, there's a link below. And there's a link to my other

podcasts as well. Anyway, becoming whole. That's what today's podcast is about. So first of all, I'm going to say

about what do I mean by becoming whole? So when you're born, you're basically a blank canvas. And as

life goes on, you get more and more things put on the canvas. You get people's opinions. You get people's

ideas. You see how people dress. You see how people talk. You see different traits and personalities. Some are adventurous.

Some are confident. Some are zen-like. Some are charismatic. Some are strong leaders. Other

people are decisive. Some people are patient. These are all different traits that we see in other people. But very

rarely do we grow up having a balance and having all these traits in ourselves. But we have, some of

them are really loud voices. Some of them are really good at making decisions, being a leader, being talking, things

like that. Other people are really quite the opposite to that. You know, if you're not charismatic, you might be

um quite timid or you fear going on stage, things like that. So we very, very often...

So very often we lack some of these voices, or at least they're not loud enough for us. They're not

developed very well. And nobody I know develops all of the voices really well. Some people are doing better than

others. Other people are not. And very often these quiet voices are something that we're told to get rid of.

That we don't need them those voice of fear. You know, how many times have I heard get rid of

that voice of fear? Now, fear voice is like, it should be living a well It should be healthy. It

should be loud and clear. And then we should be able to know when to listen to it or not.

And this is the whole point. They're all valid. They all have a reason to be there. They should all

be developed as best you can. There's no point in developing one voice without developing the other voice. Because you

end up, you might be brilliant you You could be someone like Hitler that's brilliant narrator but an absolutely terrible

at empathy or understanding and caring about others um You know, it's no good having a brilliant one

and then a terrible other. And this is what it means about becoming whole because that's ultimately what the ego

wants. It wants to become more complete um As a human. And there's nothing wrong with a healthy ego.

It's just when the healthy ego has some really loud voices and the others are really quiet. So it's about

embracing those unheard, quiet voices.

So how do we discover what voices that are not very loud? Well, in our early relationships, you can see

by who you're attracted to. And if you look around, you'll see that Someone that may lack a voice of

patience and calm is attracted to Zen-like individuals.

And you can go right down for a list. I've put a link below to a blog post I put

up that has a list of these lacking voices and attracted traits and also a combined outcome, which is really

interesting. So someone that lacks, say, the logical and analytical thinking is attracted to someone that is creative,

intuitive thinking. And then the outcome is innative problem solving. So you see the way it complements.

But the problem is if the lack in voice that we look for in somebody else, rather than developing ourselves

we end up relying on the other person. We end up relying on society or the group that we're in

to be the voice for us rather than the voice within ourselves. And you very much see this in religious

groups and similar groups that... You know, in a Zen quiet group of meditators, you'll find that

you've got someone that is really loud and they cannot meditate on it anything like that. And they use that

group to bring out their calmness. But they cannot do it without the group. And very much like maybe a

Christian group is the group's really caring and part of the church. But as individuals, they know they're not really

that caring themselves. And I put myself there. Not that I'm a Christian, but... You know, I'm really attracted to

caring and deep individuals that really care deeply because I'm not that caring myself. And I know people say, yeah,

but you are caring, Stevie. I'm really not, okay? And what I mean by that is, you know I did

I do have a house that has a spare bedroom, but I'm not about to give that to a refugee.

I do have spare clothes. I haven't given them all away because I kind of like them and I might

wear them one day. And I have an abundance of stuff in my house. I haven't sold them or given

the money to charity. So as much as I do care about the planet... I'm still doing the things that

I shouldn't really be doing. So I'm not that deep caring. I'm really not working on it, but I'm not.

And everything I do, I do do it for myself.

You know, I do this podcast and I help you because it makes me feel good. If I if I

buy the big issue off one of the homeless guys in this country and I do it because it makes

me feel good. Did I really do it for them? Well, they get something from it, but I get more

from it because... I feel good. So yeah, I'm selfish. I do think about myself um

I don't know quite where that was coming from. Right, let's get back to the podcast and about wholeness. So

as we grow older, we just want to complete ourselves and how do we become more whole with these voices?

And how do we discover what we're lacking? So yes, that's what I was talking about. I remember now. How

do we discover what we're lacking? So if you look at who you're attracted to, especially as teenagers and in

our younger years, if you look at your first partners, you'll see that they had what you didn't have. They

were the strong voice where you weren't. And vice versa. You were the strong voice where they were lacking. So

this isn't a one-way thing. This is a good deal. But it's not really a good deal because when they

start taking away stuff, you end up missing your stuff because you realise you're not in control of that voice.

And there lies the problem in looking for in the external world. If we develop the voice ourselves, then

we're in control of that voice. Whereas if we're relying on somebody else to be, say, the artist or the

creative in our lives... You know, and we lack the creative expression in our voice, and we're relying on them.

When we've got to do something creative, we're like oh where are they to when I need their help? So

you see the problem in not developing our own voices. It doesn't mean not have relationships and be attracted to

things that look like opposite. It just means relationships then complement us a little bit more rather than complete

us, if that makes sense. So how do you work out exactly what we're lacking? Well, if you've done a

practical exercise now and you wrote down or thought of Three to five people that you are either

attracted to or you admire or you really do just think they're doing a really good job

in their lives for some other some reason And then think about what traits they have. So pick

one or two traits for each one of them. Perhaps write it down because it's going to be hard to

remember. And so, for example, I was really admired Bill Gates

um Because of his coding skills and all the other things, I was quite a geek and I wanted to

be a good programmer. I admired Bill Clinton. Trust me, it's not a Bill thing. But I admire Bill

Clinton because of his ability to talk. Because I wanted to be a better talker. And the problem is we

end up giving them our lights rather than shining on ourselves. And that's the problem when we're looking at other

people for it. I'm going backtracking now. But in the practical exercise, just pick one or two traits of three

or three to five people that you admire, you're attracted to, and then look at them and go, do

I lack them myself?

Could I develop them more in myself?

And I bet you'll find you probably could, or you want to, or you find it difficult to. So say

if someone's really good at making decisions and you're attracted to that as a trait, it's because you're probably not

very good at making decisions. So when we've discovered those traits that we either lack in ourselves or we admire

in others, how do we start integrating them? Well, first of all, it's noticing them. And then once we notice

them we whenever we hear that voice, whenever we it's quite quiet, we can recognise it and go, okay, how

do I develop this? And one way you can do it is use like meditation and mindfulness. And imagine yourself.

So if one of the things is you're not very good at speaking publicly and you you're frightened of saying

anything out when there's and more than three or four of you. Just imagine yourself talking in public in a

meditation or mindfulness and imagine it doing really well and they like what you say. Another thing is that maybe

you admire world travelers, explorers, people they get out there more and they're more adventurous. Just imagine yourself going on

adventures and doing more things the What is really magic about this kind of technique is that the mind doesn't

or the body doesn't know what the mind's thinking is real or not. So if you're sat there thinking about

talking to loads of people, the body will react exactly to that. So if you're thinking, oh, this is all

going terrible, you'll probably find your body will start sweating and get anxious. But if you think it's going really

well, they're enjoying my voice, they're enjoying what I'm saying, they love me being on stage, the chances are your

body will react in the... In a more positive way. I'm quite sure what that seems like. But your body

language and your shoulders would go back and your head would go up and your voice would be louder and

things like that when you're just imagining it. So you can do it by just practicing mindfulness and meditation. And

when you start integrating this in your daily life, you start to become more whole. You'll stop looking at other

people for what you're lacking. And you'll start to really make a difference and seep into all aspects of your

life. You won't be looking around behind you at work and all that, looking for the person to fulfill the

bits that you're missing you know I hope this makes sense. I feel like this podcast has really been everywhere,

and I'm not looking forward to editing it. So in conclusion, embrace your quiet voices, the

bits that you're lacking, rather than look for them externally. It doesn't mean you won't need and be

interdependent on other people, but it means you won't need them. It means they can compliment you. You know, two

good speakers on stage or two creative people are way better than one creative person and one not so creative.

So you can see how things start complimenting. You start enjoying being around people when you're very similar in the

ways and your your qualities and your traits are very similar. You don't really enjoy it when you're so opposites

but the opposites a trap because you need them. I hope that makes sense. Thank

you to you for donating and buy me a coffee. For you for writing a review and

sharing this podcast. You are absolutely awesome and yeah, you make a real difference and your support has

really been noticed in the last few weeks and I'm

just taking it easy but you will hear from me quite a bit more. I have some nice little gentle

plans. Because I always make big plans and struggle. I forget my body's in charge and

so I've made some gentle plans and I'm really excited about them and

yeah, until then, take care. I'm Steven Webb and I love you.