Today, we’re focusing on being on the same page as your coparent with limits and consequences. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why learning to regulate your emotions is like learning to read and write
• 3 coparenting scenarios and how to navigate them
• What to do when you’re not on board with your coparent’s limits & consequences
• The good news about your relationship with your kid

Our goal with a feelings-first parenting model is to hold our kids accountable in a calm, mutually respectful way. We want to help them to regulate their emotions and take responsibility for their actions without lashing out, hurting or shaming our kids.

But what can you do when you and your coparent don’t handle limits and consequences the same way?

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In last week’s episode, we talked about what it means to be on the same page as your coparent, particularly when it comes to self-regulation and connection with your kids. Today, we’re focusing on being on the same page with limits and consequences. 

Our goal with a feelings-first parenting model is to hold our kids accountable in a calm, mutually respectful way. We want to help them to regulate their emotions and take responsibility for their actions without lashing out, hurting or shaming our kids.

But what can you do when you and your coparent don’t handle limits and consequences the same way?

3 Types of Coparenting

You and your coparent will fall into one of three scenarios. Based on your situation, there are different conversations, approaches and tools you can use to guide your parenting. 

Scenario #1: Two people who live together and have a mutual commitment to calm and conscious parenting

Once you’ve determined that you’re on the same page with your parenting values, goals and approach, you also have to figure out how you’ll stay on the same page. 

Getting on the same page. The first step here is talking about your values as parents, which you can learn more about in last week’s episode. Next, talk about what happens if you notice that your kids are off track, especially if you find yourself arguing about the behavior.

When you notice off track behavior, have a connection conversation about the pattern that you’ve seen. It’s really important that neither of you are judging or getting defensive in this conversation. Lean into curiosity - What do you think is going on? Why do you think they’re acting this way? What’s happening underneath? What do they need?

You might realize that this is more of an emotional issue. Maybe your child needs some more skills around managing their feelings or there is an emotional need that isn’t being met. A lot of times if you meet the emotional need of a behavior, you can kind of the behavior lessens. You might also find that you need to set a limit around the behavior. 

Staying on the same page. What will you do when your coparent gets off track? I recommend that, as long as the coparent isn't being explosive or hurtful, you let it play out. Be a compassionate witness, notice what’s going on with your coparent and with your kid and get curious about why. 

Then, later on when everyone is calm, talk to your coparent about what happened. Again, you aren’t bringing it up to criticize or blame. The goal is to evaluate, problem solve and troubleshoot. Go through the steps of the Calm Mama Process (Calm, Connect, Limit Set, Correct) and pinpoint where the issue was and how you can solve for it. 

These conversations are what help you do the fine-tuning to move you closer to your parenting goal of raising emotionally healthy, personally responsible kids. 

Scenario #2: Two people who live together and have different parenting approaches

Your coparent may not be on board. In this case, it’s important to remember that each person is in an individual relationship with another person. Your relationship with your kid might be very different from the relationship they have with their other parent. 

Ultimately, we all want to have a good relationship with our kids. We want our kids to grow up and like us. Strict, firm, authoritarian parenting (the way most of us were raised) tends to lead to emotional disconnection. The child grows up feeling like their parent cares more about what they do than who they are. 

Start by asking your coparent, “What do you want your future relationship with our kid to look like?” It’s a good way to get them thinking and open up conversation about connection. 

It’s also possible that you won’t come to an agreement on this. And that’s on them. They get to make a choice about how they interact and the relationship they’re creating. 

If you’re not on the same page with the parenting approach, and you’re each doing your own thing, then you each have to take responsibility for the way you want to parent, and follow through on it. 

It doesn’t mean that your kid is messed up forever. You can still emotionally coach them, set limits, follow through on consequences and teach them how to be in a connection relationship with you. 

Scenario #3: Two or more people who don’t live together but have kids in common

In this scenario, you may or may not be on the same page with parenting values and approach. And when it comes down to it, you don’t have control over what’s happening when your kid is at their other parent’s house. It might be really hard, but it’s okay.  

You get to choose the way you interact and your relationship with your kid, and so do they. It only takes one person to teach them the skills for emotional health. 

Being On the Same Page with Limits & Consequences

A common situation I see come up is when one parent is being harsh or punitive with consequences and expecting the other parent to follow through on them. 

For example, your coparent says, “If you don’t listen to Mommy, you can’t watch TV all week,” but you’re the one who’s home in the afternoon and has the kids watch TV so you can cook dinner. 

You don’t want there to be no follow-through at all, because the kids will see that there is no consequence to the behavior, and you don’t want to have to change your plans or rhythm for something your coparent said. 

This can be hard, but you need to communicate clearly with your coparent that if they set a limit and consequence that the follow-through is on them. 

It’s okay for you to let your coparent know that you’re not on board. It might sound like, “It is okay for you to set up consequences in this family that you can follow through on. It's not okay for you to set consequences that I then have to follow through on. That doesn't work for me. I don't agree with this consequence. I don't agree with how you handled it, and I'm not going to follow-up on it. You need to find a consequence that you can enforce when you're around.”

When you’re on different pages, make a plan privately of how you’re going to work through it. You still want to present an aligned approach to the kids. No pitting one parent against the other. 

Whatever parenting scenario you fall into, I want to normalize for you that not every moment with your coparent will feel good. They’ll get off track sometimes, and so will you. 

You don’t have to have a million conversations, but make it intentional when you do. When something doesn’t feel right, sit with it, think about it and bring it up in a really focused, specific way.

Ultimately, we all have agency in how we parent our kids. Each parent gets to choose how they behave with their kid. Each parent can set boundaries and limits the way they want to, but the follow-through is also on them. Each parent has to take responsibility for how they parent and the relationship they create with their child.

You can commit to emotionally coaching your kid, giving them tools to manage their emotions in healthy ways, setting boundaries and following through without shame. Your coparent does not need to make the same commitments for it to work. 

When you keep your commitments, your kid benefits. You’re moving forward, even if your coparent isn’t on the same page. So trust yourself, trust your kid, and keep going. 

Previous Episodes:

• Episode 102: 5 Emotional Needs of Kids
• Episode 118: Being On the Same Page

Free Resources:

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✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

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Connect With Darlynn: 

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• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
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• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Welcome back to become a calm mama. I'm your host,

A Darlynn Childress. I'm a life and parenting coach.

And last week I did an episode about being on the

same page a we talked about how your co

parent may not be able to emotionally regulate. They

might be explosive. And I gave you some strategies of how to

handle that or strategies around if your

co parent isn't open to emotionally coaching your kids

and, you know, approaching

parenting from that behavior first. I'm sorry. Feelings first model

and behavior second mama. And gave you some

strategies of how to talk about that, how to, like, have conversations with your

co a, and just decide, like, are you on the same page?

And so I really kinda wanna revisit that for just a second before

we get into how to handle it if our if your co parent doesn't

follow through on limits and consequences in the same way that you

would do it, the way that you would handle it. Maybe they're more shameful.

Maybe they're more punitive. Maybe they're more permissive than you,

and, you know, you're not sure how to handle that. So that's what this episode

is all about. But before we get too deep into it, I just wanna

remind you that having a conversation

with your co parent about your parenting approach or your

parenting style is really important. And

going back to, you know, talking to them and just asking them, you

know, hey, do we agree that

feelings matter? Do we agree that we aren't going to

use shame or fear or pain

to manage our kids' misbehavior. And a

lot of times I find that if you talk

to someone about this, they will say, well, of course of course, I don't

wanna use shame. Of course, I don't wanna use pain. Of course, I don't wanna

use fear. Or they'll be like, oh, of course, I think feelings matter.

Or maybe they don't. But most of the time people will say, you know, your

co parent will say, yes. Of course. Of course. And then you go, okay. So

we are in agreement, and now let's talk about how we're gonna

approach how what, you know, strategies we're gonna use

to parent our kids. So I just

really important to have a conversation to figure out, are we

on the same page in terms of our philosophy?

And if we are, great, then you have a foundation

to have conversations about, you know, whether you live

with your co parent or not. Like, if this is a,

divorce situation or where you, you know, you don't live together anymore,

you're not in a romantic partnership anymore, and or maybe

you never were. I don't know. But, you know, you're not together, but you still

have kids together. So you are able

to have the conversation with that other co parent

regardless of whether you live together or not. Now, of course, if it's very toxic,

if the a is abusive, if they, you know, manipulate things, like,

you know, you're not gonna have these conversations with them. It's not important.

You are doing your thing in your house and they're doing their thing in their

house, And they are separate. You don't get to control what goes on in their

house, and they don't get to control what goes on in your house. You are

in different homes and different parenting philosophies, and that's okay.

It's hard to let go, but it's okay.

It's hard to worry and, you know, to, like, not worry about what's happening in

the other house, but it is your job to manage your own fear

and worry and frustration and control and let

let it go and trust. Right? So a lot of things that I talked about

in the last episode about you only need a parent

to emotionally coach a human in order for them

to grow up emotionally healthy and emotionally aware. That's

all that's all you can do a that's all you need to do. And just

trust that it's enough because it is. I actually thought about

this after I recorded the last episode, how,

you only need a person to teach you how to read. Like, you only need

a person to teach you how to do math. Like, we have multiple teachers in

our lives because of the way the school system is set up. But once you

learn how to read, you know how to read. Like, once you learn how to

add, you know how to add. Right? It it doesn't matter how many

people taught you it. And that's the true thing with emotions. Once you understand

what you're feeling and know how to talk about it and know what to do

with those feelings, you're set. You know how to do it. So if you're

the only person who teaches them that, that's plenty. Okay.

So having that conversation,

if a in a fairly decent relationship with the other

parent, having a conversation and be like, what are our values?

What is our parenting approach?

And kind of figuring out, like, are we on the same page at a foundational

level? A so I

wanna give you some strategies to for if you decide you

are. Okay. If you have a mutual commitment to calm and conscious parenting,

to calm and connected parenting, then

you can like, I'm gonna help you with that.

A? And then I'm gonna help you at the end of this episode if you've

realized that you don't have the same approach. Maybe they're more permissive or

they're more authoritarian in in that way,

then I'm gonna give you some strategies of how to handle the a

limits and consequences if they do it differently from you. Spoiler

a. If they do it differently, that's okay. They can do it their way a

you can do it your way and it's fine. And I'll give you some ways

to handle that. But first, let's talk about

if if you are in a a relationship

and your co parent is committed

to the same type of parenting as you are. Right? We're gonna hold our kids

accountable. We're gonna be a, but in a calm, mutually respectful

way. We're gonna do a feelings first model and, you know, we're

gonna work on our own emotional regulation. We're not gonna lash out at our kids.

We're not gonna hurt our kids. We're not gonna shame our kids. We are

gonna work on ourselves. So we're calm. We're gonna help them with their

big feelings. We're gonna give them tools. And,

we're gonna set boundaries and we're gonna follow through on them. Okay? That's

the calm mama process. If you're both committed, great. Now,

what happens when either of you are

off track or if you notice that your kids are off track?

Okay? So if you if you're on the

same page, right, and you see that

your children are or your

Childress, like, behaving badly, I want you to notice the

pattern. That's kind of the first thing

whether you notice the pattern, you're like, hey. Our kid keeps, you

know, not finishing their dinner or dinner's been a disaster

lately or bedtime's a big mess or the kids are dillydallying

every morning or they don't clean a, they don't do their chores,

a doesn't seem like they're brushing their teeth, whatever. Okay? One of

you will realize that there is a behavior.

And from there, you start to talk about that

behavior as a couple. And even if you're not a couple,

like, as 2 people. Right? You're like, hey. I see this pattern. And in

that conversation, it's really important

to not get defensive, to not be like, well, I I'm

working on it or, you know, just realize you're you both a.

You both are committed to the same parenting philosophy.

You're in it a, and now let's have a conversation about a behavior.

So noticing a pattern and then start talking about it as a couple.

Hey. What do you think is going on? Why do you think they're acting this

way? What's happening underneath? And you're doing that

connection conversation together a

without your child there. You're like, why are they acting this way? Do they need

more a, like power? Do they need more appreciation?

Do they need to be seen and validated? Do they need more affection? Like,

do they need to be connected with us physically? Are they looking for

time with us? Do they need to be accepted?

Like, do they need do they are they trying to express themselves, their uniqueness,

their individuality, or is are they seeking safety? Are they

feeling insecure? Do they want attachment? So those are

the 5 emotional needs that we all have, and I did an episode

on that a couple of months ago. We'll link that in the show notes.

So you're a just getting curious. You're like, what's happening with our kid? And a

lot of times, if you do that as a as, you know, as a couple

or as a co with your co parent, you might realize that

this is more of an emotional issue that your child

maybe needs some some skills around managing their

feelings or maybe they need to get that emotional need met Become way. Maybe they

need to get power in some other part of their lives. Maybe they need to

be appreciated more. Maybe they need a little more connection, affection. They need a

little more wrestling or hugs or whatever it is. Maybe they need to be

told that they're good and worthy and lovely love

loving and lovely. And, you know, they need to be a.

Or maybe they're feeling insecure and they need some more, soothing and

attachment. You need to do a little bit more connection with them.

A lot of times if you meet the emotional need

of a behavior, you can kind of

the behavior lessens. It decreases. They become a your child will become

more compliant Become remember feelings drive behavior.

So your child is maybe looking for some emotional

need to be filled. You've meet it or they you teach them how

to meet it a then they don't act out. Okay?

You calm also start to look at what skill might be missing. Maybe

they don't know how to be okay with disappointment. Maybe they don't know how to

self soothe. Maybe they're not being socially aware of how their behavior is

affecting others. So then if that's the case, you might need

to decide a rule or a limit in your in

your family. Like, what's our rule for this? And then

talk about it together. If you can

see your child's behavior as a skill gap,

like, oh, wow. They're really struggling with disappointment or being told no.

So let's tell them no more often and let them work

through the feelings of disappointment. Oh, maybe

they, you know, need autonomy or

power, so let's give them some power over their clothing choices

or the books they read at bed or, you know, where they sit in the

car, something like that. And then, you know,

set some boundaries around that. Like, you're welcome to have this

level of power as long as you're compliant in this other

area. So you can pick your seat in

the car as long as you get in the car

Become, you know, I don't as long as you as long as I don't have

to remind you to put your socks and shoes on, something like that. So you

kind of tether the things together so that your children

learn this, you know, grow in the in the skill

or in the, you know, value or the emotional regulation

that you're trying to teach them while holding them accountable with the

boundary or where a limit. So it can be really helpful

instead of seeing a behavior that your kids have and just

arguing about it with your with your co parent and blaming each

other and being like, well, this is your fault because you're not doing this. And

they're like, well, this is your fault because you're not following through on this. And

it's just like, you just feel like you're arguing about your kid's behavior all the

time. Instead, pause, try to figure

out what pattern is this, what's going on underneath,

Is there a skill missing? And then what are our rules around it

or what limits are we gonna set? Now

this can be challenging as a couple to figure out. So if

you're listening to this and you're like, I want to do

that, and I don't know how to facilitate those kinds of

conversations with my partner, that is a really good time to

get a coach to, like, to hire me, and we can do a few sessions

together and work on it. Right? So you

can just reach out for a consultation with me, and we'll work it out

together. So it it is

important as a couple if you're on this if you already are committed and you

keep having a conflict about a behavior and you're in a clash to have

this conversation. And then if you can't get over it, then reach

out. Now

that's a a preventative or sort of

a pattern. You're looking at it like, okay. We keep arguing

about this behavior. Let's actually get on the same page about it, and let's move

forward. What happens when you're in the

moment and your co parent

who you know is committed to the same values as you,

and they are, like, kind of

being like, you know what? If you don't listen to me, I'm not giving you

TV for the week. Or they start yelling at your child

or that they you know, they're in a parenting mama, and they're

in a power struggle, and they're fighting with their your kid, and you

can see it happening. Like, you are so clear

that this isn't gonna go well and this is a disaster. And

you're the co parent is, like, making a mess of it. And you're,

like, probably wondering, okay, what am I supposed to do? Do I intervene or do

I not? Do I back my co parent up or do I not?

So my recommendation as

long as the co parent isn't being explosive or

hurtful, don't get involved.

Let it play out. Be that

compassionate witness noticing what's going

on with your co parent, what's going on with your kid, where's the conflict

about, what is it that the child really needs here, How could the

co parent soothe here? Without saying anything, you're

almost like like a coach in that a, except you're

not coaching. You're just watching. And think about, like,

basketball, how, you know, the coach might be just watching

a game and then later going back and saying,

oh, okay. Here's what my team needs to be doing to change

this. I've never, like, been a sports coach or

anything, but they always show how they watched the films back. Like, they look

back at the previous game or games from last season, and

they learn from that. So I want you to be

that neutral about it as if it's like you're just watching

and taking notes, but not to criticize your co parent

just to be like, Their behavior

isn't aligned with our values. Why? What's happening?

And just being really, like, kind and compassionate in your heart. A like,

woah, they're in it. This is a this is a shit show. Calm like,

woah. Okay. I'm just gonna be a present witness here.

Now like I said last week, if you have this relationship, you could be like,

do you need to tap out? You know? Like, do you want me to take

over? But I almost don't want you to do that. I

like, if they're being explosive and hurtful, yes. But

if it's just a parenting moment that's got away from them a

little bit a they're trying to get some control back and they're kind of being,

like, threatening or or briby or something

like that. I just want you to watch. Okay? And

then later, when everybody's calm, kids are in bed

weekend, a, watching kids are watching TV or they're playing happily at the

park, say, hey. Can we talk about what happened, you know,

the other day, like, at bedtime or that that morning, like, what

happened? And if your co parent is

like, what? No. You know, they're defensive. Might not be the

right time. So you calm say, hey. I do wanna revisit it because it didn't

feel aligned. There was something off for me, but I want and I wanna

talk to you about it, but it's not I'm not trying to, like, criticize you

or blame you or anything. I just kinda wanna problem solve that or,

like, troubleshoot it. So you're inviting them into a

conversation, and then the kinds of questions that

you ask to evaluate a situation

is going back to the Calm Mama process. This is what I do. I'm like,

okay. Were was I calm or were they calm? Like, was

my partner calm? So I can just say to Kevin, like,

were you upset? Like, what was going on for you? Were you, like, in your

feelings? You know? And I'm not

judging. I'm just kinda a, yeah. What was that like for you? What was going

on for you? And then kind

of go into connect. Did what was going on with the kid? Did we connect

to their feelings? Did we value do we narrate what was happening for them?

Do we name any of those big feelings for them? Do

we already and then going to limit set. Do we already have a limit around

this? If not, like, what would you have wanted it to be? Should we

set a rule? You know, this seems is this a pattern? Is this something

we wanna fix? Like, would that help you if we a of set up

a limit? And then if they did

follow through and they set a consequence, like, they gave,

you know, some sort of, like, you're not having TV for a a, or I'm

not giving you candy, or no more new toys, or you have to get rid

of that toy, or whatever they've said,

asking them, like, so do you still agree with that? Like, was that a, or

do you think that aligns with our values? Do you think it's something we can

actually follow through on? Like, if you're, like, gonna go

to Disneyland or 6 flags or something and then, you know, on a on a

Saturday a then on a Monday, they're like, if you keep doing that,

we're not going to 6 flags. And then they keep doing it, and then your

kid your husband's like, we're not going. You can revisit during the week and

be like, honey, are you sure that this is

in alignment of what we wanna do? How do we really not wanna

go? Can we recorrect? Can we course correct here

a, you know, find a different way to set a limit and follow

through on it for this behavior in the future.

So you're kind of evaluating and just giving

them a chance to reflect, in a very loving and

neutral way. So these two ways, these

two conversations are, like, getting on the same page and staying on

the same page. So you have these preventative

conversations, these what are the behavior problems that are driving us

create, crazy? So that's getting on the same

page. And then staying on the same page is when one

of you is not on track, isn't in alignment,

isn't showing up with the same values, you

let it play out a then you're like, hey. Let's talk

about that. I that didn't feel right. That didn't go well.

What do you think? Do you think it went well? I wanna

say Kevin and I have been parents for almost

20 years, and we have had a lot of these conversations.

A lot of after the kids go to bed or on the weekends where we're

like, what is going on with these people?

And why is it not feeling good? And, like, what's happening? And we kind

of come up with some rules and some limits, and we use the

limit setting a. And then we're like, okay. So this is our plan. We get,

like, a game plan. Like, we literally sit together or stand or

whatever and get on the same page. We make a

plan. And then we stay on the same page

by sometimes not being and recorrecting,

course correcting. So I want to normalize

it for you that not every moment with

your co parent is gonna feel good. It's not gonna

always feel right, like, they're gonna be off track. You're gonna be off track,

but it's the afterward or the, like, the pre

conversation or the post conversations that really

do that fine tuning and moving you as a couple

or as a co parent team towards your goals of

raising kids who are emotionally healthy and personally responsible.

Right? That's our goal. So how are we gonna get there? Emotionally healthy,

personally responsible. Now

when you can't get on the same page, okay, what

are you supposed to do? When you have a a

co parent who's like, no. I'm not into

it. I do not think that emotional health matters.

It doesn't it's stupid. Right? Some people believe that.

Like, they don't they just think it's kinda bullshit,

and that's difficult. Right? It is challenging if you're

partnered with someone who's your values don't align with your kids,

but maybe you really still dig each a, like, a

ton, you know, and you are in a a, and

you you can be you can disagree.

Okay? It doesn't have to be the exact

same approach. Each

person is in an individual relationship with

another person. So your co parent

has a relationship with their child, and they are teaching their

child how to be how to be in the world and how to be in

a relationship with them. And that's their prerogative. They're

their parent. And, you

know, as as long as they're not, like, really

physically hurting their child or really, really shaming or pain you know,

being in pain about that, then they

get to do that. They can be strict and

firm without emotional coaching. That's how

most of us were raised. It's it's not great because we wanna

have a good relationship with both of our parents as adults. Right?

We want to have our kids grow up and like us.

And I'm sure that your partner wants that too,

but they may not a. That's why it's good to have these

conversations of, like, what do you want your future relationship with our

kid to look like? Because if you raise a kid in an

authoritarian way,

they end up feeling very emotionally disconnected

from their parent. They feel like their parent doesn't really give a shit

about them. Even though their parent is very focused on the behavior

and they wanna see performance and success a they want their kid to,

like, quote a be good, the

child grows up feeling like my parent cares more about what

I do, not who I am, cares more about what I

say, not how I feel. And that means

that long term, the child and that

parent probably won't have a very connected a.

And that's okay. That's

the life that your co parent is choosing to create

with their child. Is there room for repair? Yes.

Always. You can always shift gears

and parent your kids differently even if they're grown. Some of you

listening have kids who are in college or even out of college. And

you're like, well, I was really too strict. I didn't do not a lot of

emotional coaching, and I have a lot of regrets about that. No

problem. You can reset. You can start

to connect emotionally, see your kid for who

they are right now. That's fine. But while you're

parenting in you know, if you're in a relationship now and your kids

are are younger or whatever, and you see your

co parent showing up in ways that you wouldn't act and

doing things that you wouldn't do and saying things you wouldn't say,

You can have a conversation about it, but also I want you to just know

that's on them. That's their course

trajectory in that relationship. So it

doesn't mean that your kid is messed up forever.

You you are gonna emotionally coach a, and you're gonna do what you're gonna

do and, you know, set your boundaries and set

communicate your limits and teach your kids how to be in a relationship with you

and give them all sorts of great, great teaching.

So you can kids can grow up to be well

rounded and successful emotionally, physically,

you know, financially, academically, all the ways that we want our kids

to be successful even if they have a parent that's harsh

or really dis emotionally disconnected.

Now, what do you actually do

as the parent who's co

parenting along somebody who maybe is very punitive.

If your co parent is like, if you don't

listen to mommy, I'm not you can't watch TV all

week. Or since you, you know, you hit your brother,

that's it. I'm not, you know, I'm you don't get to play, you

know, soccer all week or whatever. If your

co parent comes up with a consequence

that is like, if

they come up with a consequence and they're the one who's gonna follow through on

it and they're the ones who are in charge of that part of their kid's

life, great. Just let it be. That's what it's like. That's your kid's life.

They're learning how to be in a relationship with their parent

and this is what it means and this is what the consequences are. It's

okay. But if that means, like, say you

are the person who's taking them to soccer all week or you're the person who

typically lets them watch TV while you make dinner or a, and then your

co a like, no TV all week. And they create

a consequence that then you have to follow-up on and you don't agree with the

consequence and it affects you, you can say

no. You can say, a. It

is okay for you to set up consequences in this family,

you know, for that you can follow through on. It's not okay

for you to set consequences that then I have to follow through on.

That doesn't work for me. I don't agree with this

consequence. I don't agree with how you handled it, and I'm not gonna

follow-up on it. So you

can say you need to find a consequence that you can

enforce when you're around. So this

is, I hope I'm explaining it well, but imagine your

co parent is like, no sugar for the week.

And then you're like, well, no. I have planned to make,

you know, banana bread on Wednesday and take it to the park and give it

to all the kids or whatever. And you're like, I'm not

gonna, you know, follow through on their consequence.

It can feel like you're lying or undermining or you're not being

honest if you just, you know, don't do it.

So instead of just, being passive aggressive about

it, communicate. You need to go say to your partner, hey, I'm not doing

that. I'm I'm in charge on Wednesday a I'm not doing

that. So you kept to come up with a different consequence.

So you're not telling them don't consequence our kids or don't follow through on

your behavior, your limits or boundaries. Just don't

involve me. Okay? I want

you to feel strong enough to be like, no, I'm not doing that.

It affects my rhythm. It affects my plan. It affects my routine. I didn't set

this up. We did not talk about it. We're not this is you.

You need to find a different way to, you know,

follow through on this. Now

some of you are like, I don't wanna tell

my partner that. They're gonna get pissed.

Yeah. That's part of being in a relationship with a with a peer,

with an adult. If you're not gonna agree on

your approaches, if you're not gonna agree on your philosophies,

that means they're gonna do their thing and you're gonna do your thing,

and they can do their thing. You're not telling them not to. You're just

saying you need to make that happen when you're,

like, in charge of them. It's the last thing

we need is for a co parent who's being harsh and punitive and

not following, like, not following the approach we're following a

then asking us to do the dirty work,

so to speak. It just isn't gonna feel good

to you. It's not gonna feel aligned. You're gonna end up

being passive and not following through on it because it's not gonna

feel good. And then you're gonna be like, well, daddy said or mommy

said that you can't have this, but I'm gonna give it to you anyway.

And now all of a sudden you're pushing you're showing the children that

you aren't aligned. I want you to privately

be misaligned and make a

plan privately and then come to the kids and say, I know daddy

said that about sugar, but he and I have agreed that we're you're gonna do

something different to make that right or or that consequence we're shifting

that a. And it's gonna happen, you know, this weekend with

daddy or it's gonna happen this weekend with mommy.

So you're still on the same page to the kids. You're like, no. No. We're

not aligned. We're just changing it a little bit and and doing it slightly different

than what we said we were gonna do. But you're still gonna he's daddy's still

following up. Mommy's still following up. So

you are being really honest and

talking about things and talking them through.

It sounds like as I do this episode, I'm like, god. There's so many

fucking conversations I'm telling you to have, which is annoying,

but it's kind of what is required. It doesn't

have to be a 100,000,000 conversations. This when you have them, make

them intentional. If you

are sitting with something that doesn't feel right, think

about it and then say, hey. I need to talk to you about something. And

then have a conversation that is focused on a specific,

a specific topic. Like, instead of being like, well, that was rude. You were so

rude. That was don't talk to our kids like that. Those

you already have a 100 conversations with your co parent. I'd

rather you have fewer a higher quality,

more intentional. So you might need to go back and listen to this

episode to really kind of break it down. I'll break it down for you now.

But thinking about, first, the

conversation that has to take place is what

are our values as a

parenting unit? Are we

foundationally on the same page? Are we

philosophically on the same page? Do we agree

that our children's emotional life matters

as much as how they act?

So how they feel and how they act. Do we care about both those

things? Because

this model that you've been learning by listening to this podcast is a

both model. It's feelings first,

behavior second. So we are

doing following through on behavior and we're setting boundaries and we're

letting our kids experience the impact of their behavior through

consequences. So we are doing that and we're

emotionally coaching our kids. We're giving them language to talk about their

emotions while also managing our own emotions.

So you wanna ask your co parent, hey. Do you align

with these? And then when you are aligned, you are on

the same page. If you find yourself misaligned, you can

connect back. If you have this conversation and you

find out that you are misaligned and that's how it is, you guys have

different philosophies, that's okay.

They get to set up boundaries and limits how they set them up.

You get to set them up the way you set them a, but the

decision or the agreement needs to be he

or she follows up in their way and you follow-up in your way.

And each of you are taking responsibility for how

you how you parent.

So the takeaway here is your co

parent, they get to choose what they want

their relationship with their child to look like. You can

have conversations with them if they're open to it,

but you don't get to control how

they behave with your kid. You

just don't. So you you get to

control how you behave with your kid.

You can if you're in a committed relationship and you both love each other and

you wanna talk about it, you can. You can hire me a we I can

help you get on the same page if you can't quite figure it out.

But if you really realize, like, okay, we have different values here. They're

not into the whole emotion thing. This is typically what I see.

They're not into the whole emotional thing. Okay. Fine. They

can have boundaries. They can follow through, and they calm do it on their

a when they're in charge, and you'll do it when you're in charge in

your way. And that just is an agreement you make.

No matter what, you are responsible

for how you set boundaries and how you follow through with them.

You you are responsible when you're with your child to

emotionally coach them and help them understand their feelings and

giving them tools to manage their emotions in healthy ways.

These are your commitments. Your co parent does not need to make the

same commitments. So when you do your job,

when you do the things that you've committed to, your kid benefits.

You're always progressing forward in

if you are keeping with your own values. Even if your co parent doesn't

parent the same way as you, you are moving your child

closer to emotional health and

personal responsibility without shame. Super cool. Right?

I hope that this gives you some strategies, but, really, I hope you

feel a little bit more freedom. Like, okay. They can do their thing. They

can be harsh. They can be punitive. You know, they can say critical things. I'm

gonna emotionally coach my kids. I'm gonna let my co parent follow through on their

consequences, and I'm gonna leave it be

and trust that my kid's gonna be okay. I'm not gonna freak

out. I'm not gonna get mad. I'm gonna have conversations and

then I'm gonna let it play out. Yeah?

It's hard. It's hard. It's hard to parent alone. For those of you

single parents who don't have a co parent, you know, it's super

challenging. It's exhausting. You don't have anyone to to bounce ideas

off with. You don't have anybody to, like, tap in and out with. It's

hard. And it's really hard to co

parent because you don't have all the

control and that can be really overwhelming and

frustrating. But you do have all of

you single parent co parent with someone on the same

page, co parent with someone on the same page. All of us

have a lot of agency in how we parent our

kids. So trust yourself,

trust your kid, and keep going.

Alright. I hope you have a great week. And if you want any

support from me, reach out, book a consultation, and we calm

talk about next steps and how to work together.

Alright. I hope you have a great week.