Shownotes
Shifting Perceptions Through Conflict: "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."
Drawing inspiration from Khalil Gibran, Lillian explores how pain and misunderstanding can lead to deeper understanding and effective communication. She uncovers the roots of miscommunication, emphasizing that we constantly communicate through both verbal and nonverbal actions—what she calls behavioral communication.
Lillian explains how our personal behavioral zones, shaped by unique experiences, often clash with those of others, leading to conflict. However, by shifting our mindset and understanding others' perspectives, we can bridge these gaps. She touches on essential truths about owning our behavior and emotions, recognizing our right to express ourselves, and the importance of accepting others as they are.
You'll hear practical insights on controlling our emotions, responding effectively in conflict situations, and turning challenges into opportunities for growth, especially in this season of gratitude.
Key Moments
00:00 Miscommunication and conflict hinder progress and understanding.
03:49 Bridging behavioral zones requires shifting perceptions.
09:29 Emotions influence interpretation and responses; context matters.
12:36 Control emotions; be grateful for challenges.
Top Takeaways
Recognize Miscommunication:
Understand the importance of interpreting words and behaviors as intended by others, rather than through our biases.
Own Behavior and Emotions:
Take responsibility for our actions and reactions, crucial for self-improvement and effective communication.
Ethical Interactions:
Develop patience and open-mindedness in dealing with others, enhancing interpersonal relationships.
Embrace Conflict as Growth:
Use conflicts as opportunities for self-awareness and deeper understanding of others.
Lillian Zarzar is an international speaker, author and coach who specializes in helping you to overcome the barriers that block you from self-expression.
Lillian believes that the ability to communicate effectively is the foundation of personal growth. Without it, you can neither express what you want nor can you offer others your wisdom.
Lillian's desire is to help you tap into your wisdom and follow your purposeful course. With belief and dedication, you enhance your personal growth, you engage with others meaningfully, and you embark on your road to self-mastery.
lillian@lillianzarzar.com
Copyright 2025 Lillian Zarzar
Transcripts
This podcast today is about communicating through conflict. Not in conflict, but through conflict by shifting your perceptions. I love this quote by Khalil Gibran, a wonderful Lebanese poet, and he said, your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It takes 2 of us to discover truth, one to utter it and one to understand it. Have you ever said, we're just not communicating? Well, many people feel this way at various points in their personal and professional relationships. Yet in truth, there is no lack of communication. There is such a thing though as miscommunication. And this, not surprisingly, often leads to conflict.
For the holidays - • • So here's my challenge to you. • During this Thanksgiving season and even into the holidays, • • • why don't you • • look at the person with whom you have great conflict or irritation • • and see them differently. • • Look at the other side. If they're mean, look at the nice side • and, um, evaluate what is it that I'm perceiving and I'm judging them from that perception. And then be grateful and just say something • • with gratitude toward them. It doesn't mean you have to like them, but you are there many times as Family or as guests of the Family. • • • So • • do it. Just be yourself. • • • • Reach out, • • smile, • • • • avoid conflict, • • • • and ask yourself, how can I be civil to this individual who has irritated me for 20 years • and see what happens? • And I will bet you they'll respond in kind. And if they don't, that's okay, because, hey, uh, you're not responsible for how they respond to you. You are responsible for how you operate with them. • And that way you can appreciate • you being able to reach out in a more positive and direct way. • Email me and let me know how it went. I'd love to hear from you, Lillian@lillianzarzar.com.
Lillian Zarzar [:Whether you realize it or not, you communicate constantly through verbal and nonverbal actions, and these combine to form what is called behavioral communication. Everything you say and do communicates something. Through observation and repetition, you decide what words and behavior of others mean and how to operate with others. Thus, miscommunication is a more accurate term for the misunderstanding that occurs when we interpret a word or behavior as we know it rather than as it was intended by the other person. Behavioral communication is one of the most highly stylized art forms of the human being. Technically, it's the transmitting and receiving of messages that can be seen, heard, and measured. Through this aspect of communication, we develop meaning and understanding in our interactions with others. While communicating effectively under day to day circumstances can be challenging, without skills, without patience, without practice, maintaining communication during interpersonal conflict is indeed arduous.
Lillian Zarzar [:Miscommunication and conflict can become stumbling blocks that stop you or slow down your progress toward achieving your dreams. However, you can learn to express your intent clearly, listen to others with an open mind, and use the conflict as an opportunity to learn more about others and yourself. And be aware that now that Thanksgiving is coming and we have so much to be thankful for, can you be thankful for the person who's sitting across the table from you because you're so annoyed with them because of some past issue that you've had or some past conflict? Let's continue to see how that can work through. To begin with, there are certain codes of behavior that are understood between us. We have expectations about how people are supposed to act and communicate with each other. For example, we learned at a young age to, quote, be nice, unquote, and to say please and thank you. These are forms of commonly accepted social behavior. So when we perceive people are not nice or we believe that they're being impolite or we think they are bad or wrong, it is so because we're perceiving them the way we would think they should act.
Lillian Zarzar [:We identify standards of ethics about how people should and shouldn't be and how they should and shouldn't communicate. Over time, we develop what I term a behavioral zone to interact with others on a level we understand. You see, the challenge is that we depend on our unique experiences to determine that zone. We tend to expect others to conform to the codes in our zone. And since some of these codes, such as what we consider politeness, are widely acceptable, so we then assume that what we consider politeness should be something they should consider politeness. And, therefore, when entering a conflict, they should follow the same codes that we follow. For this reason, when we wanna communicate successfully with others, particularly through conflict, we have to focus on creating the mind shift to bridge the gap between our behavioral zones and the zone of the others. So perceptions change when you shift your mind.
Lillian Zarzar [:And as you change your thinking, you change your attitude, which then changes your behavior and enhances your understanding. So let's think about this. To a certain extent, we are different. In actuality, we all crave the same thing. To be loved for who we are. Indeed, we are liked or disliked for who others think we are. Now think about that. Are you liked because of who you are, or are you liked because others think you're nice? And what about when you're mean? And what happens with your mean side when that comes out? Because let's face it, we're all nice and we're all mean.
Lillian Zarzar [:So own it. That's the key. So with all the established patterns of operation that we have developed for us and that bring us comfort, we get results because of what we choose to do and say. So in other words, when you do what works, you continue to do it as long as you get what you want. Others push your buttons to get what they want, and they continue to push as long as it works. So, for example, when you put money into a candy machine, you expect candy to come out. When it doesn't, you push the button harder. You may hit the button, and then you kick the machine till you realize the strategy isn't working.
Lillian Zarzar [:Interpersonal communication works exactly the same way. People push your buttons because they can and because you expose them. Since we all develop different behavioral patterns, it's important for us to understand others' patterns and for them to understand ours. That way, the communication is more effective. So let's understand some very essential truths. There are 5. Number 1, We own our behavior. Number 2.
Lillian Zarzar [:We own our ideas and thoughts. Number 3. We have a right to choose our behavior. Number 4. We have a right to express our ideas and thoughts. Number 5, we see the world through our eyes. And that's not only true for us, it's true for them. It's true for everybody.
Lillian Zarzar [:So if people have the right to be who they are, why do we get annoyed with them? One of our deepest desires as humans is to be accepted. How many times have you said, I wanna be loved for who I am. Yet, if you wanna be loved for who you are and accepted as who you are in your essence, why don't you accept others where they are and how they are? It's often because we expect people to behave the way we would under the same circumstances. And if they don't, their behavior is considered outside our behavioral zone. Therefore, it's wrong. We have thoughts like, he shouldn't do that. She shouldn't say that. Why did they have to do that? I would never act that way.
Lillian Zarzar [:Therefore, when people behave in a manner that doesn't coincide with our behavioral codes, we think something is wrong with them. Our ego, as the judge, presides over the behavioral zone, and it makes decisions about what's acceptable based on our background, education, and experience. Consequently, your attitude toward others reflects your perceptions and your behavior toward them is affected. You project to them your own code, judge their use of the code in the way you measure your own. And so as a result, their actions and words have meaning for you in the way you understand them, not the way they intend. And yet your interpretation of their behavior may not be what their intention is. Your interpretation comes from the way you understood the world since you acknowledge their behavior through your reality and not necessarily as it is in their reality or as it actually is. So for example, someone might ask you, why did you look at me that way? You may have been deep in thought and not even realized that person was in the room.
Lillian Zarzar [:However, he or she interpreted your furrowed brows or your frown as a negative response. While scowling was not your intention, the message was received that way because of the way it was interpreted. In that person's behavioral zone, scowling is associated with conflict, discomfort, anger, and we all use verbal and nonverbal expressions that are commonly understood in meaning. So when those message are taken out of the context, it's easy for us to misinterpret what the other person intended. So have you ever noticed that some days, heavy traffic doesn't bother you or affect you? And yet on other days, especially if you're in a hurry, you hit every red light, cars cut you off, and you feel agitated and angry on your way to work? Mhmm. Or perhaps there are people in your life who really bother you on some days, yet on other days, they have very little impact. Well, these fluctuations in your emotions occur because your judgment of events is based on the emotional connection you have with the event. And let me tell you, events are events, and sometimes people are events in your life.
Lillian Zarzar [:You embrace them as good or bad by how you allow them to affect you. For example, you think that the weather is good when it rains after a drought, and it's bad when it rains on your golf day. We often think of conflict as bad because we feel personally attacked. The emotional connection causes us to attack others in reaction. So the part of us that reacts is a persona. It's the mask that our ego chooses for the various roles we play and the situations we find ourselves in. These personas are determined by the interpretations of the events judged as bad or good. So each person's emotion has a charge, a charge that's either positive or negative.
Lillian Zarzar [:And sometimes we say it, don't we? We're charged up by something. So in a conflict situation, a negative charge sets us off. We embrace a negative attitude toward the person who said or did something we think is inappropriate or unacceptable because emotions cloud and distort our ability to recognize others for who and how they are. And we make judgments based on that perception. You see, emotions exaggerate, and the exaggeration causes the ego to don the suitable persona for its corresponding charge. The intensity of the emotional connection to what we've judged as bad or good dictates our behavior. The closer your emotional connection with someone, the more intense the charge tends to be. So the ability to control your emotions, and therefore your personas, permits you to interact and communicate effectively within that conflict.
Lillian Zarzar [:Now that doesn't mean you shouldn't be unemotional. But to control your emotions means that you choose to act within your accepted behavioral zone no matter what the other person chooses to do. When you act outside that zone, you say to yourself, don't you? Now why did I let myself behave that way? How did I let myself get caught up like that? I'm sure you all talk to yourself. So since we own our emotion and behavior, we know we are responsible for how we act under all circumstances. So listen carefully. In this time of gratitude, be grateful for the conflicting person sitting across the table from you, and be grateful for their challenge to you to be the best you can be. Because the degree to which your emotions are under control is equal to the degree of your power within the conflict. Therefore, it's wise to distance yourself from the emotional content of the situation as you perceive it so your charges don't run your life and you run your life and can appreciate the moment.
