Shownotes
Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/3GAwNag
00:03:29 “But I thought you meant X!”
00:07:00 Preconceived Attitudes.
00:12:34 Judgment and Premature Evaluation.
00:15:11 Other Bad Communication Habits to Avoid.
00:17:12 Constantly Interrupting.
00:19:10 Using Qualifiers.
00:20:22 Equating Your Experiences.
00:20:27 “I know exactly how you feel!"
00:22:24 Waiting Instead of Listening.
00:23:14 Fluff and Filler Words.
Barriers to good conversation include assumptions, strong negative emotions like anger and aggression (which inspire defensiveness), preconceived ideas and prejudice, fear, inflexibility and a need to control, premature evaluation and judgment, and other negative conversational habits like interrupting or one-upping.
#AmazingCommunicationSkills #BadCommunicationHabits #BadConversationalist #BadHabit #CommonHabitualConversationalTraps #Communication #CommunicationBreakdown #CommunicationHabits #CommunicationSkills #ConversationalNarcissism #ConversationFlow #DistortCommunication #EffectiveCommunication #FillerWords #Floundering #Fluff #GoodCommunicator #HumanInteraction #ManipulativeCommunicationStyle #PrematureEvaluation #PsychologicalBarrier #PsychologicalBarriersToCommunication #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching
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Transcripts
In the previous chapter, we began by exploring people’s habitual communication styles, and how we
Speaker:might start to use self-awareness and observation of others to better establish non-verbal rapport—the
Speaker:first task in any conversation.
Speaker:It might seem strange for a book on communication to say the following, but it’s true: Good
Speaker:communication is a natural, normal human ability, and it’s something that anyone can do with
Speaker:ease.
Speaker:You might then ask if that’s the case, why are so many people so bad at communicating?
Speaker:The answer is that communicating well is simple and easy, but we first need to remove the
Speaker:formidable barriers that stand in our way to doing so.
Speaker:This is what can be difficult.
Speaker:People are only able to communicate at the level that their inner psychological barriers
Speaker:allow them to.
Speaker:For example, if there are two people, and one person has amazing communication skills
Speaker:but the other is trapped in a core belief that conversations are battles they need to
Speaker:win, then the conversation will never move beyond this battle framework.
Speaker:Basically, one’s emotional state, beliefs, habits, personality, and general attitude
Speaker:to life are the ultimate limits to how well they are able to connect to and communicate
Speaker:with others.
Speaker:Certain psychological states will improve your ability to both send and receive a message,
Speaker:while others will undermine it.
Speaker:With that in mind, what barriers are there, and how can we replace them with something
Speaker:more useful?
Speaker:Assumptions.
Speaker:Assuming is simply coming to a conclusion you don’t strictly have evidence for.
Speaker:It almost always leads to misunderstanding.
Speaker:Communication, after all, is about learning about the other person and their message.
Speaker:If we think we already know all there is to know, then why have a conversation at all,
Speaker:right?
Speaker:Imagine that a boss doesn’t give detailed instructions to a new employee because she
Speaker:assumes that the employee will already know how to do the task.
Speaker:The employee doesn’t and so fails at the task.
Speaker:Here, the barrier of assumption has stepped in and prevented any real communication from
Speaker:happening, but it can also rear its head once communication is underway.
Speaker:If you’ve ever had an argument and both found yourselves saying things like, “But
Speaker:I thought you meant X!” then you likely were both guilty of making assumptions.
Speaker:In conversations, it’s so easy to assume that all the mental models, frameworks, systems
Speaker:of meanings, values, and definitions that we hold are neatly shared by other people.
Speaker:We forget that they have their own goals and interpretations of events, and they may have
Speaker:their own understanding that can be identical to ours, completely opposite, or anything
Speaker:in between.
Speaker:How do we know what kind of world the person in front of us is actually inhabiting?
Speaker:Well, we communicate with them!
Speaker:And this means no assumptions.
Speaker:Instead, ask questions.
Speaker:Pretend you are a reporter or documentary filmmaker or alien from outer space ... or
Speaker:all three.
Speaker:Empty your mind of any preconceptions and don’t guess.
Speaker:Ask the other person to tell you what they think and feel.
Speaker:Sometimes, with some topics, you’ll need to confirm even this, because after all, we
Speaker:all use words and ideas in different ways.
Speaker:Think of someone asking someone else to marry them.
Speaker:That person says yes.
Speaker:But what exactly have they agreed to?
Speaker:How big is the overlap between their respective understanding of the word “marriage”?
Speaker:Aggression and Anger.
Speaker:We’ve already seen that aggressive (or passive-aggressive) communication styles cause upset and don’t
Speaker:even achieve the person’s communication goals anyway.
Speaker:But for obvious reasons, anger, resentment, or even rage can be serious obstacles to effective
Speaker:communication.
It’s simple:To communicate, we have to make contact.
It’s simple:We connect with someone else, and this requires us to let our guards down and become receptive
It’s simple:and open to what the other person is sharing.
It’s simple:If the other person is angry, they will come across as a threat—and why would you ever
It’s simple:be receptive to a threat?
It’s simple:Most sane people will close off to aggression and disconnect in an effort to protect themselves.
It’s simple:This means that if you are leading with anger, you are automatically creating a condition
It’s simple:in which communicating cannot take place.
Think about that:You cannot communicate with a threat, real or perceived.
Think about that:You can only defend against it.
Think about that:If you lead with anger, you can only expect defensiveness from the other person—and
Think about that:this gets you nowhere.
Think about that:Instead, own your emotions.
Think about that:Feeling angry is not a problem; approaching someone else with hostility and aggression
Think about that:is.
Think about that:The alternative is not to force yourself to pretend to be calm.
Think about that:Rather, it’s to own your feelings and identify them as belonging to you.
Think about that:Instead of blaming the other person or directing your emotion to them, hold that emotion as
Think about that:something that belongs to you only.
Think about that:Using “I” statements will mean you can say, “I feel so overwhelmed right now,”
Think about that:instead of, “You’re stressing me out!"
Think about that:Preconceived Attitudes.
ere is the question yet again:What is the point of communication?
ere is the question yet again:What is it for, ultimately?
ere is the question yet again:The way you answer this question shows you the attitude you hold toward communication.
ere is the question yet again:For some people, conversations are a fight or a courtroom drama or a way to prove how
ere is the question yet again:“right” and worthy they are.
ere is the question yet again:For others, the point is to get their needs met or share and express or simply reach outside
ere is the question yet again:the limits of their own inner perception and connect with another human being.
ere is the question yet again:Naturally, the attitude you have to conversations will depend on the beliefs you hold.
ere is the question yet again:These beliefs also include the habitual roles you’ve always assumed in conversation with
ere is the question yet again:others.
ere is the question yet again:Do you routinely show up as the therapist, comedian, drill sergeant?
ere is the question yet again:Are you always preaching and explaining, or do you repeatedly defer to others and let
ere is the question yet again:them lead?
ere is the question yet again:None of these orientations are right or wrong in themselves.
ere is the question yet again:But if you are a) unaware that they are there in the first place or b) constantly communicating
ere is the question yet again:with people who don’t share your attitude, then you can expect conflict and misunderstanding.
ere is the question yet again:One especially big impediment to effective communication is negative self-image, or low
ere is the question yet again:confidence.
ere is the question yet again:This acts like a kind of filter in which every message you receive from the outside world
ere is the question yet again:can only ever be interpreted in a way that makes you look inferior.
ere is the question yet again:Most of us have never considered that low self-esteem can distort communication, but
ere is the question yet again:really, if low self-esteem is the inability to hear a message that paints us in a good
ere is the question yet again:light, then that’s precisely what it does!
ere is the question yet again:Instead, practice compassion—for self and others.
ere is the question yet again:Really good conversation is supremely democratic.
ere is the question yet again:There are no winners and losers and no hierarchy.
ere is the question yet again:Take a deep breath and put yourself on an even keel with the other person.
ere is the question yet again:Try to shelve any ideas about who is playing what role, and compassionately encounter the
ere is the question yet again:person you find as you find them—your equal.
ere is the question yet again:Fear.
ere is the question yet again:Aggression impedes communication because it puts the other person on the defensive.
ere is the question yet again:But if that person is already on the defensive, the conversation is already impacted.
ere is the question yet again:Defensiveness is essentially putting up a wall.
ere is the question yet again:Trying to communicate through a wall is not easy, and it usually results in one thing:
ere is the question yet again:confusion and serious misunderstanding.
ere is the question yet again:This is sometimes why fear and aggression can lead to communication
ere is the question yet again:breakdown; the more walls that are put up, the harder it is to hear one another, and
ere is the question yet again:in the confusion, more fear and anger are created, necessitating even more walls ...
ere is the question yet again:A person who is fearful is not listening.
ere is the question yet again:They are not curious.
ere is the question yet again:They are not focusing on anything other than their own self-preservation, and this makes
ere is the question yet again:them a bad conversationalist on the most fundamental level.
ere is the question yet again:Have you noticed how, after watching a horror movie, the bedroom that seemed perfectly innocent
ere is the question yet again:yesterday now seems riddled with potentially frightening nooks and crannies?
ere is the question yet again:Fear can make us see things that aren’t there and, in communication, can make us detect
ere is the question yet again:threats where there aren’t any.
ere is the question yet again:Naturally, real connection will be stunted.
ere is the question yet again:Instead, relax and be curious.
One way to do this is simple:ask an open-ended question.
One way to do this is simple:You don’t have to lower your walls entirely, but at least be curious about what’s on
One way to do this is simple:the other side!
One way to do this is simple:Inflexibility and Need for Control.
One way to do this is simple:When you get together with someone and have a conversation, anything can happen.
One way to do this is simple:The thread of the talk can go in any direction, and at any one moment, the words either person
One way to do this is simple:says could steer the thing in a completely novel and unexpected direction.
One way to do this is simple:And this is a good thing!
One way to do this is simple:When two people get together to communicate, there is a chance for them to co-create something
One way to do this is simple:that is bigger than the sum of both of them.
One way to do this is simple:But, this can only happen if both parties are willing to relinquish a little control
One way to do this is simple:and let the conversation flow as it will.
One way to do this is simple:Being inflexible, closed-minded, or hungry for control mean that we enter any discussion
One way to do this is simple:with a fixed idea of what it should be ... therefore preventing it from becoming anything else.
One way to do this is simple:This shuts us off from listening, from learning, and from responding spontaneously in the moment
One way to do this is simple:as it unfolds.
One way to do this is simple:It also makes us very boring and predictable!
One way to do this is simple:Instead, be willing to be surprised.
One way to do this is simple:Let the other person lead, and be genuinely open to the idea that they may steer the conversation
One way to do this is simple:in a way you did not expect or prepare for.
One way to do this is simple:Everyone has something to teach you.
One way to do this is simple:Judgment and Premature Evaluation.
One way to do this is simple:Have you ever found yourself rushing in a conversation?
One way to do this is simple:You hear someone talking, but internally, you think, “Yes, yes, I’ve heard that
One way to do this is simple:... ” and you subtly try to move them along.
One way to do this is simple:Why?
One way to do this is simple:Sometimes, this kind of haste signals that we have been too quick to come to conclusions
One way to do this is simple:about what we’re being told.
One way to do this is simple:As with making assumptions, we think we already understand everything there is to understand
One way to do this is simple:and no longer need to engage.
One way to do this is simple:As we dig deeper, this sometimes tells us that we have prematurely gone into judgment
One way to do this is simple:mode before really hearing the other person.
One way to do this is simple:We all have preconceived notions in our heads.
One way to do this is simple:When someone talks, we might flit through our catalogue of notions and see which ones
One way to do this is simple:match closest—then grab ahold of that and stop listening to what the unique person in
One way to do this is simple:front of us is saying.
One way to do this is simple:Judgment—even “positive” judgments, kill what is real and nuanced in the present
One way to do this is simple:moment.
One way to do this is simple:We fail to see the other person and their message and instead substitute it with our
One way to do this is simple:idea of who they are and what they’re saying.
One way to do this is simple:This is the root of prejudice and bias.
One way to do this is simple:If we are interacting with two-dimensional stereotypes of people and not real people,
One way to do this is simple:then our communication is always going to be lacking.
One way to do this is simple:Instead, cultivate wonder.
One way to do this is simple:This may be the hardest mindset shift of all, but to become a genuinely good communicator,
One way to do this is simple:you need to maintain a sense not just of curiosity or interest in another person, but of near-continuous
One way to do this is simple:awe at what a privilege it really is to step outside your own head for a moment and step
One way to do this is simple:into someone else’s.
One way to do this is simple:In the remainder of this book, we will take as a starting point the value that communication
One way to do this is simple:is a way to create connection.
One way to do this is simple:We label anything that gets in the way of this connection as a “psychological barrier”
One way to do this is simple:and work to remove it.
One way to do this is simple:Are there other barriers than the ones listed above?
One way to do this is simple:Definitely.
One way to do this is simple:We can point to an attitude of distraction and inattention, lack of trust, cross-cultural
One way to do this is simple:limitations, and even exhaustion as things that prevent people from properly connecting.
One way to do this is simple:Whatever they are, though, with self-awareness and practice, we can work to lessen their
One way to do this is simple:impact on us.
One way to do this is simple:Other Bad Communication Habits to Avoid.
One way to do this is simple:Maybe you read the previous descriptions of barriers to communication and thought it all
One way to do this is simple:sounded a little serious.
One way to do this is simple:Perhaps you are simply looking for ways to improve everyday conversation, and not necessarily
One way to do this is simple:become a master at juggling the deep and meaningful stuff.
One way to do this is simple:However, even if you are on the whole a flexible, open-minded, and non-judgmental communicator,
One way to do this is simple:you may still fall into the common habitual conversational traps that plague the best
One way to do this is simple:of us.
One way to do this is simple:That’s because the biggest barrier to excellent communication is all those small, mindless,
One way to do this is simple:and automatic acts that erode trust and connection.
One way to do this is simple:Granted, these conversational habits don’t mean that you have psychological issues with
One way to do this is simple:prejudice or a deep-seated need for control.
One way to do this is simple:But in a way, knee-jerk habits like these are worse because they are usually invisible,
One way to do this is simple:unconscious, and may even be encouraged by your general environment.
One way to do this is simple:Before we take an earnest look at what we should be doing to become better communicators,
One way to do this is simple:let’s explore a few more things not to do.
One way to do this is simple:Human life is largely comprised of conversations.
One way to do this is simple:Every relationship, every human interaction, every job, everything at some point requires
One way to do this is simple:you to encounter and engage with another human being.
One way to do this is simple:And whether you fancy yourself a world-class communicator or would sooner send an email
One way to do this is simple:than deal with face-to-face discussion, chances are you have at least a few terrible communication
One way to do this is simple:habits that drive people nuts.
One way to do this is simple:Yes, even you!
One way to do this is simple:No, the following habits won’t cause major blowouts or serious miscommunication, and
One way to do this is simple:they’re not the end of the world ... but they’re good low-hanging fruit to begin
One way to do this is simple:with as we embark on sharpening our communication skills.
One way to do this is simple:Constantly Interrupting.
One way to do this is simple:Maybe you interrupt because you’re so excited by what the other person just said, you simply
One way to do this is simple:have to interject and say your thing.
One way to do this is simple:Maybe you interrupt because unconsciously, you think that what you have to say is more
One way to do this is simple:urgent or more important.
One way to do this is simple:Maybe, you’re doing it because you’re rushing the conversation along, having already
One way to do this is simple:jumped to conclusions about what the other person means and made your judgments about
One way to do this is simple:it.
One way to do this is simple:In any case, it doesn’t matter why you do it—only that it makes the other person feel
One way to do this is simple:awful.
One way to do this is simple:It’s understandable—you want to be heard.
One way to do this is simple:But so do they!
One way to do this is simple:Take it a step further and don’t even think about interrupting.
One way to do this is simple:You know what this means—when you are suddenly more interested in your own response to what’s
One way to do this is simple:being said than listening to what’s being said, it shows.
One way to do this is simple:The other person can tell that your attention has suddenly moved inward and you are preparing
One way to do this is simple:a response.
A good habit is this:After someone stops speaking, pause and count slowly to three
A good habit is this:in your head.
A good habit is this:This sends the message, “I’m here, I’m paying attention, and I care about what you
A good habit is this:have to say,” and lets the other person know they don’t have to rush to get a word
A good habit is this:in, and that you are respectful enough to pause to process what they’re saying.
A good habit is this:Multitasking.
A good habit is this:A conversation merits more than the few glances you can muster when you finally tear your
A good habit is this:eyes away from your iPhone.
A good habit is this:We are probably all guilty of the practice of multitasking at least occasionally.
A good habit is this:No matter how insignificant or pointless your interactions may appear, you must be there
A good habit is this:for them.
A good habit is this:In other words, you can't mindlessly check your phone or run through your grocery list.
A good habit is this:Pay close attention to the people you're talking to.
A good habit is this:Using Qualifiers.
A good habit is this:“Not to be rude or offensive, but ... ”
A good habit is this:“This could be a horrible idea, but ... ”
A good habit is this:“I know what you're thinking, but ... ”
A good habit is this:Qualifiers, i.e., little expressions said before or after a statement with the intention
A good habit is this:of softening or mitigating that statement, certainly have their place.
A good habit is this:Overusing them, though, can be pretty annoying.
A good habit is this:Why?
A good habit is this:In the right circumstances, they can come across as condescending and unneeded.
A good habit is this:Remember the manipulative communication style?
A good habit is this:Nobody wants to feel like they are being managed or handled.
A good habit is this:If you go to great lengths to use qualifiers, it may stir up feelings of mistrust in your
A good habit is this:listener, who could wonder why you’re not just being direct.
A good habit is this:Remind yourself that the world “but” is kind of magical—people tend to discount
A good habit is this:everything that came before that word!
A good habit is this:It’s yet another barrier, albeit one that is mostly just annoying.
A good habit is this:Equating Your Experiences.
A good habit is this:In Chapter 4, we’ll look more closely at mastering the emotional aspects of effective
A good habit is this:communication, but for now, it’s enough to banish this single meaningless phrase from
your repertoire:“I know exactly how you feel!"
your repertoire:It’s even worse if you then proceed to tell a lengthy story about a time when you felt
your repertoire:similarly despite the fact that the two situations are completely dissimilar.
your repertoire:Keep in mind that every person’s journey is unique.
your repertoire:It’s good that you’re making an effort to be empathetic.
your repertoire:But think about it from the other side.
your repertoire:Has hearing about someone else’s hard time ever made you feel less unhappy about your
your repertoire:own troubles?
your repertoire:Probably not.
your repertoire:Whether you can understand another person’s experiences or not is irrelevant.
your repertoire:Almost always it will not feel good for them to hear it.
your repertoire:Floundering.
your repertoire:We’ve all encountered people who ramble on without a point as though they like the
your repertoire:sound of their own voices.
your repertoire:If you have a tendency to do this yourself, constantly try to remember how mind-numbing
your repertoire:it is to be on the receiving end!
your repertoire:Floundering and waffling on and on is usually a bad habit we get into when we’re nervous
your repertoire:or unconsciously afraid that something bad will happen unless we keep performing and
your repertoire:filling the silence.
your repertoire:But like every other poor communication strategy listed here, it doesn’t work: The more we
your repertoire:talk, the less people listen.
your repertoire:Think carefully, say what you need to say, and be straightforward and succinct when you
your repertoire:talk.
your repertoire:Have faith that you’ve been heard, and if you haven’t let it go, because it’s likely
your repertoire:that you would not have convinced anyone to care or understand simply by going on ad nauseum.
your repertoire:Waiting Instead of Listening.
your repertoire:Everyone knows they should be a good listener.
your repertoire:To be honest, most of us are better at acting the role of good listener than actually being
your repertoire:one!
your repertoire:Rather than listening with all our attention to what we’re told, we are really just waiting
your repertoire:our turn.
your repertoire:Worse, we might be listening with an agenda—discarding what doesn’t fit the agenda, hearing what
your repertoire:we like, and spending the next few minutes drafting a witty response ... just as soon
your repertoire:as the other person stops talking.
your repertoire:If this is a bad habit to break, remind yourself of the fact that people can usually tell when
your repertoire:you’re not listening.
your repertoire:It’s not easy to hide, and it makes you appear selfish, disinterested, and unkind.
your repertoire:Fluff and Filler Words.
your repertoire:Padding out your speech with filler words may be more or less acceptable depending on
your repertoire:your age, culture, and social situation, but it’s almost always better to avoid it entirely.
your repertoire:Filler words are things like um, ah, okay, like, you know, you see, uhh, right, kinda,
your repertoire:so, actually, err, hmm, and so on.
your repertoire:You may in fact have your own personal verbal tic—for example, some people have a strange
your repertoire:habit of ending every sentence with a dangling “so ... ” that doesn’t go anywhere.
your repertoire:Others will liberally sprinkle “like” or “um” everywhere.
your repertoire:Still, others will have overused turns of phrase that add nothing at all to the message—for
your repertoire:example, the woman who ends every simple phrase with, “if that makes sense?”
your repertoire:or the guy who cannot open his mouth without saying, “yeah, well.”
y this challenge for yourself:Once you’ve identified your own pet filler words, try
y this challenge for yourself:to consciously replace them with plain old silence.
y this challenge for yourself:Just say nothing and pause until you can say something that isn’t a filler word.
y this challenge for yourself:If you can be mindful enough to do this in the moment, you may be surprised at just how
y this challenge for yourself:polished and put together you come across.
y this challenge for yourself:You don’t have to say anything profound—just remove the filler words and you automatically
y this challenge for yourself:seem more self-assured, authoritative, and sophisticated (note, of course, that if you
y this challenge for yourself:deliberately don’t want to appear that way, then ignore this advice!).
y this challenge for yourself:So interrupting, being distracted, trying to make every conversation about you ... all
y this challenge for yourself:these smaller conversation-killing habits are actually expressions of one deeper, bigger
problem:conversational narcissism.
problem:We are all guilty of this to some extent.
problem:A conversation is about two people.
problem:Even beyond that, a good conversation is one where both people have actively participated,
problem:and both have connected with one another.
problem:That simply means that to the extent you are focusing only on yourself, the conversation
problem:will be lacking somehow.
problem:The more you can focus on the other person, the better the conversation will be.
problem:This realization seems pretty obvious on the face of it, yet look around and you will notice
problem:that almost all cases of miscommunication or failed connection come from, in one way
problem:or another, conversational narcissism.
problem:Whether the obstacles are psychological, behavioral, or just bad habits we’ve fallen into, if
problem:they put us at the center and cause us to forget the other person and their perspective,
problem:then our communication will never be everything it has the potential
