When somebody treats you badly, why does who you are matter more than who they are?

Let no man pull you so low as to hate him. That is Martin Luther King, and it is the whole episode. Somebody slams a door on you, cuts you up on the road, and you want to phone everybody and post it. Two hours later you wish you had not. Nobody made you angry. You chose it, fast, but you chose it. Strong words are expensive to your own peace. If their behaviour decides your behaviour, you are not free at all.

One thing to try: Pause and take one breath before you respond. Then ask who you want to be in this.

In this episode

• (4:16) My daughter, the van, and a heated text row
• (5:06) When we are triggered and we want revenge
• (6:42) Two hours later, I wish I had not said that
• (7:41) Did they make me angry, or did I choose it
• (9:16) Be that person, whatever life throws
• (11:53) Compassionate, caring and wise. What I aim for
• (15:13) Anger is expensive to your inner peace
• (16:34) If they control your reaction, you are not free
• (21:16) The Buddha, the poison and who drinks it

With gratitude to

Senga, Holly, Trish Murphy, Blackwell JK, and Steven Webb, my namesake

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
• Steven's courses, podcasts and links: stevenwebb.uk

Let no man pull you so low as to hate him. Martin Luther King.

Hello, and welcome to another episode of Stillness in the Storms. The podcast that helps you to find a little

inner peace and some inner strength during challenging times.

I'm your host, Steven Webb. And I'm so grateful to... There's a number of you that's bought me a coffee

this week. And it really does make a difference. It helps me too.

in actual fact, I've purchased a little bit of software that will help me to edit the podcast and help

me to break them down a little better. And that's thanks to you guys for donating the coffees. So let's

go through and have a look who's donated the coffees this week. So, first of all, to Senga Senga, you

support me all the time. Just a big hug and a big thank you. Thank you to Holly. Thank you.

To Steven Webb, my namesake um I originally found you in Googling. Your name I've I've

Googled my name. I do confess I've Googled my own name. But he's got Steven Webb. He donated three coffees

to me, but he's got his own website, stevenwebwriter.com, and he has some awesome poems on there that he writes.

I just wanted to give him a bit of a shout out. And we've got a couple of anonymous people

that have bought me a coffee. So thank you very much to them Trish Murphy, thank you very much. And

someone called Blackwell JK. Just thank you guys that makes a huge difference. And if you head over to

thankyousteven.com you can do the same if you want you don't have to you know I don't have no sponsors

for the podcast or anything like that, but what I have, I've added something on my wish list over there.

I do confess it's rather expensive. In fact it's crazily expensive but it's an Insta 360 camera.

And I added to my wish list because I had an older one years ago and I sold it because

it wouldn't go live and it wouldn't do a few things I wanted to do. But this camera I can

attach to my wheelchair, I can put it recording, and I can record all around me and everything I do,

and I can come home and edit the edit the video and upload it. So if I have a moment

of inspiration, if I just suddenly think, oh, that's a good thing to think, and I want to share it,

I can do it without having to drag my phone out and record it yeah It kind of kills the

moment, doesn't it you know Nothing worse than having to do all that if like feeling in the mood. But

yeah. So over there on the page, thankyousteven.com, where you can buy me a coffee. I've also got a wish

list, and you know I I do apologize. Capitalism, and it is quite expensive, but it's a pretty awesome bit

of kit and yeah. So anyway, let's move on to today's podcast. That's more important. That's why you're here.

Don't we hate long introductions?

Today I want to share some thoughts on being yourself and not allowing others to drag you down. We've all

been in situations where we felt the need to retaliate or perhaps even begin passive-aggressive and mimicking the behaviour

of those struggling with as we'll explore today, it's not who they are that's important, it's who you are.

And I started today's episode with a quote, and I just think it perfectly fits the theme for today is

let no man pull you so low as to hate him. Martin Luther King

when we encounter challenging people or situations, it's natural to want to defend ourselves I get it.

Even seek revenge. However, when we do this, we're essentially just allowing them to define who we are

instead of embracing our true selves. It's crucial that we recognise our actions and you know it's crucial

that we don't end up doing the one thing we don't like them doing. And I always remember I sat

in the back of the van and my daughter was there, and my daughter was in a quite a heated

discussion with her friends on text. I don't know quite what it was about and you know teenagers things like

that. She's about 22 at the time, something like that. She asked me the question. She asked me, what would

you do in this situation? What would you reply? What would you do? And I just sat there and I

thought about it. I just said, well, who are you?

What do you want to say? If you were to speak from the heart, how do you how would you

approach a situation? How would you like them to approach it if it was the other way around and that

and she was quite angry, she said, yeah, but they've been mean. They're doing all these things and all that

I just want to I said, yeah, but it's you are that's important. And I think this is so important.

When someone slams a door on us, when someone huffs and puffs or you know we've been treated

quite unfairly and we do want to take revenge, we do want to have a go at them we're triggered

by it. And fair enough you know if I'm screamed at or shouted at you know some people just have

a different way of communicating that they've learned they're screaming and shouting They've learned they've just been rude and just

saying it you know I've spoke to people and they just go, well, I'm just not like because I speak

my mind. Well, fair enough, that's what you do. But I'm not like that. I'm a people pleaser. I like

to keep people happy. And I'm trying to get seven billion people in the world to you know have a

little more inner peace, try to be a little more happier you know Join the fight with me you know

I can't do this alone. Now, I'm only joking all you guys that share this podcast and all that. You're

doing a brilliant job, but just bringing it back. The point is who are you you

know in all these situations? When they arise, when we're triggered by narcissist or somebody that's just struggling

and we want to we almost want to do the same as them, we want to take revenge, we want

to shout back and the last thing we want to do is be nice and compassionate and kind. Well, the

thing is, perhaps they need that. Perhaps they need to be shown a different way. Perhaps you know And if

you do end up being like them, how does it make you feel? Does it make you feel better? Do

you feel joyous of the fact normally you sit back two hours later I wish I hadn't said that. I

was so mean, I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't do it normally, but I was so angry at the time,

you wouldn't believe how angry they made me and god jumpo my um amazing teacher, one of my

amazing teacher asked the brilliant question in part of his Mondo Zen. He looks up and says, has anybody ever

made you angry? And most of the time, yeah, loads of people. It's like, okay, I'll ask you again, has

anybody ever made you angry? And the hands are like because you know he's asking a question, then you know

you're probably not on the right track, but you half stick up your hand. Well, yeah. No no I'm

serious. Has anybody ever made you angry? And then you start to step back and you go, wait a minute,

what is he really asking? Has anybody ever made me angry? Okay, so when I've been angry, did they make

me angry? And then you come to the conclusion, no, I've chose anger. Albeit it might be

so quick at the time, we may not even recognise it. We're triggered and boom, it just happens you know

Someone says something nasty, we side swipe back we get so triggered and we get so we wanted all these

things We spend most of our lives trying to hopefully karma sorts them out you

know I've spent most of my life thinking karma was a load of, I don't know, animals with billions of

typewriter somewhere in the universe keeping score, but in a um some kind of score sheet on people that upset

me. Like as if the universe really cares whether anybody upsets poor Stevie or not. But yeah, I've thought it

for ages. Karma is some kind of this brilliant mechanism that's going to get anybody that's ever a bit rude

to me, really. Karma is right there, right then you know Your karma is how they how

they treat you in that moment. Your karma is how you treat them. Not what they did, it's what you

do. That's the karma, instantly. Now then, if you are kind-hearted

compassionate loving, genuine, authentic person and you don't want to go around screaming

and been nasty at people, be that person. So no matter what life throws at you, be that person. And

that's why I say it's more important who you are and in your actions than it is them. But

how do we do it you know well Pause and take a breath you know When faced with conflict you

know take a moment to pause. Let them finish, let them happen let that let whatever is

going on in their head, let them spew it out. You don't have to fight back immediately. In

actual fact, it probably won't help because it just escalates and pours more fuel on the fire. And cultivate compassion.

Remember that everyone is dealing with their own challenges and struggles you know By cultivating more

compassion for others, you're less likely to be drawn into their negativity. You can't avoid negativity. You can't go

your whole life just come in encounter with happy people you know They don't exist. Nobody's happy all the time

you know all this I talk about it quite often on my podcast or this well, let's just avoid negative

people. Let's kick negative people out of our lives. Or sometimes the negative people are us. Sometimes a negative person

is a family member. I love my daughter deeply, but sometimes she's negative, sometimes she's struggling. I'm not

going to cast her out. At that point she needs me more than ever to sit with her and and

and to pour over the negativity, maybe just be with it. And of course, I've done. Podcasts on negativity

isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes we have to focus on the negative bias in order to survive

you know I use the example all the time I don't know why I use this example, but I use

the example of two bears running towards us. One with a machete and one with donuts you know you bet

you're better off concentrating on the one with the machete you know not the one with donuts. Because you'll never

get the donuts if you don't take notice of the one with the machete. That conjure up an image. I

don't know why I always go back to that example. It's never happened anywhere, ever. But

you're never there So really it's about focusing on your values. What are your values? Stay true to your

principles you know if I if I ask you now to list your three main principles, what would they be

your Three main things. What do I show up as? Compassionate, caring and wise.

I like to show up as those three things. Do I always know? Do I struggle with it all the

time?

Do I get triggered by people? Yeah, all the time. All the time. I'm triggered less. But what it is

is that little gap that well, wait a minute, if I step back you know if I'm if I'm driving

down the street and somebody um pulls out in front of me and all that you

you know it makes me want to be angry with them, makes me want to lash out with them. And

very often they might flip a bird to me and they'll shout at me or something like that, because they'll

blame me. I then want to do the same back to them and it ends up and then I want

to phone everybody and post it on Facebook and phone everybody. You can't won't believe what happened to me today

when I was driving in my car, this person left home deliberately to make me late. And it was all

planned. And the universe had ready for me at that corner just at the right time you know We tell

the story, don't we? We go down this hilarious long story.

Yeah, it's funny. It's funny when we see it from the outside, but when we're in it, it's not so

funny. But you know if I pull out in front of someone, or if I make a mistake in the

wheelchair and all that, and I almost run over someone's toes and all that, and I do it sometimes, and

sometimes I don't even realise the amount of times anybody's ever spent some time with me driving around you know

The amount of times I reverse into people. I'll be there looking at the shelf or something like that, and

I just reverse. And someone's with me, no, don't go back, don't go back. And by then, I've already drove

over someone you know So luckily, most people are quite polite and goes, no, don't worry about it's. Fine. And

I'm like feeling like pants I'm like Don't like this I didn't I didn't mean to run you over Sorry

but it happens. Well, I don't want them to return with the same thing. Well, I'm going to run you

over now No, I want them to be understanding and compassionate so when people make mistakes, we can

show them there's a there's a way of handling the mistakes. It's fine. And the other thing is, choose your

battles wisely. That's the everything and Not every conflict is worth engaging in

you know Is it really worth your time? Is it worth your blood pressure is it you imagine And I've

often thought this. Imagine if every single word you had to pay a penny or pay a cent for.

Would you have all those arguments?

Would you argue back with people?

Okay, you might flip them the bird, but what if that was a whole pound or a dollar so and

certain words you know depending on if you are more compassionate, that was cheaper words, and you're more angry and

revengeful. They were more expensive words because they are really to our inner peace and our inner karma. The words

we use have a sense of currency. I'm thinking about this on the fly. I'm coming up with a metaphor

on the fly here. But if you think about it, it's true you

know The stronger the words, if you're swearing and you're shouting and you're using anger towards people, that's

expensive to your inner peace. But if you use kind, compassionate and some most of the time, no

words, maybe that's even the best currency.

Nelson Mandela is the perfect story for illustrating this. The way he was imprisoned for

trying to end the apartheid and all that. Then it's controversial. The way you know before he went to prison

and all that you know was he a terrorist? Was he there depends on the perspective you take. But whichever

way his story after the 25 years of imprisonment is the real what we really learned you know

instead of coming out and seeking revenge. Because bearing in mind, when he come out, he had a lot of

power he ended He had the media, he had the emphasis on his side. He ended up becoming president

you know but when he came out he said, as I walked out the door toward the gate that would

lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.

And

you think about that. It's true. If we allow other people their anger and their um thoughts and

their actions and all that to control our actions, we're not free at all were being controlled by them,

completely controlled by them you

know nato Mandela understood that if he held on to this anger, it would serve to drag him down and

prevent him from achieving his goal of a united South Africa. One famous example was when he was

invited invited his former prison guard to his presidential inauguration as a guest of honor.

Think about that. Could you do that?

And there's a story of a woman that had a child murdered, and yet she went to meet the

guy that murdered her child when he came out of prison, and she hugged him and he said, well, why

do you want to hug me? He said, well, one person died that day. I didn't want two people to

die.

God, that's powerful, isn't it?

So it's about who you are, and that's what's really important. And that's what I wanted to share today. So

if someone's annoying you someone pisses you off in the moment or anything like that, remember who you are.

And yeah it is easy to get caught up. It's easy to make mistakes and jump on it. Don't worry,

move on. Accept that we're human accept that being human is quite difficult at times.

It's quite a struggle, and you know we're all working at it. Anybody that says they're sorted, anybody

that says you know I'm all done, I'm all at peace, I'm enlightened nothing like that, yeah, look closely uh

I I know Zen Masters I I know some incredible teachers and people that are the probably the

most enlightened people on the planet. And they're struggling too. They have to fight with it every single day.

The Dalai Lama meditates for four hours every single morning. When someone said, well, why do

you meditate? You're one of the calmest you know compassionate people on the planet, he said, well that's because I

meditate you know There's a lot of people out there that push my buttons. I've got to you know I've

got to chill I've got to have my downtime, I've got to reframe things. And I'm not saying you've got

to go and meditate like the Dalai Lama you haven't got You haven't got the shit to deal with, he

has to deal with. But you know in your life, you've got what you've got to deal with. And we'll

come across these people that will push our buttons, that will annoy us, that won't that are wrapped up in

their own world wrapped up in their own

problems you know just don't end up being like them. So you know if you remember one phrase from today's

podcast, remember this one.

It's not important who they are and what do they do. It's important of who you are. Make sure

your actions are from your heart and where you are. If your actions are

constantly from there, then you've got nothing to worry about. Because I know by listening, you listening to this podcast.

I know I I have I have emails from so many of you you know I've met many of you

and things like that. And I know what a compassionate, caring,

loving community we are. That's why I can say at the end of the podcast, I love you so I

know I do. I accept you for what you are.

And that's what love is. Acceptance you

know We're all struggling. We all make mistakes you know come back again and again and try again and be

less hard on yourself, but show up as you are. That's the thing. Who am I? How would the

genuine, loving, caring person an eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind? I

I hear you all. You all went Gandhi because you all know that quote, but so real isn't it It's

true that is a quote you know

tick now hands says another quote you know when another person makes you suffer, it's because he suffers

deeply within himself and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment. He needs

help.

So we don't have to do the same as what they're doing.

And I'm going to end with one quote by the Buddha.

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

That's brilliant, isn't it? That really cuts through all the, you know, I should have just done a podcast and

just said that one quote and said, that's your lesson for today you know Focus on your values. Choose your

bowels wisely cultivate compassion, and you won't go far wrong. Recognise your triggers.

Recognise your triggers before they happen. Pause and take a breath. I'm

Steven Webb and this is Stillness in the Storms. And if I do help you to think differently in some

way you know drop me an email, head over to thankyousteven.com. You can download my little small book

5 Simple Practices for Inner Peace. You can treat me to a coffee, but you can also email me. I

email nearly everybody back. If I forget, email me again in a few days. I do that magic thing of

replying in my head and then realise when I go back to it, I haven't done it.

That's. thankyousteven.com. Take care. I love you.