Alright, booze brawlers and drama chasers—today we're spilling the messy truth about hitting rock bottom and clawing your way back to fabulous. Heather and Emily, our retired party queens turned slightly sensible dames, are tossing around the dirty laundry about their own past and why hitting the lowest low was actually the pathway to becoming their best selves.

Get ready to explore the aftermath of regrettable decisions, from blackout binges to epiphany-inducing hangovers. We've got hilarious stories mixed with raw truths about addiction, recovery, and leveling up in life—because, let’s face it, no one learns from staying in their comfort zone.

Why should you listen? Ever wondered why we punish our bodies for fun and then say, "I’ll never do that again"? If you're curious about turning past shame into current game, or just want to hear how our hosts sassed sobriety into submission, this one’s for you. Pop a squat, grab a non-spiked coffee, and let’s do this.

Episode Highlights:

09:01 - Obviously, suicide is is selfish. But when you're in that position, you feel like everybody will be better off. Jonah, my child, you will be better off. I am doing nothing for you. Yeah, that was rough. That that got hard. So after that, I hung it up. And I remember about a month later, I went to a little, like, summer-ish party, and I said, I haven't had a drink in a month. I got laughed at.

11:51 - I met Jonah for the first time then, and that was it. How do you go back? How would I go back to that and look at my child and my children now and just be like, nah. I'm just gonna throw that all away. And I will never forget the feeling of the hangovers and just heart and soul and really wanting to go. And, like, God, why did I wake up again? How is that possible? I thought I was killing myself, and here I am again day after day, after day, after day. It was horrible.

14:35 - I think because of how we were raised, too, where you're throwing a temper tantrum, go sit in the corner, whatever. You will sit there and you wanna talk about it with her. Like, we're not gonna act like this. You're really a good mom and you're really good at not repeating patterns, what your parents would do with you.

Disclaimer:

Pissy but Pretty is all about real talk—raw, unfiltered, and sometimes messy. We tackle tough topics with honesty and humor, but we know that some conversations can hit deep.

If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual abuse or addiction, help is available:

📞 National Sexual Assault Hotline – 800-656-HOPE (4673)

📞 Substance Abuse & Mental Health Helpline – 800-662-HELP (4357)

You’re not alone—support is just a call away.

Connect with Heather Karenz

LinkedIn

Website

Email

Connect with Emily Bagin

LinkedIn

Facebook

Email

You have the opportunity to be better.

Exponentially better, happier, healthier, the best version of you.

And the only thing that's getting in your way is you.

Hello and welcome to Pissy but Pretty, a show about hindsight, hope, tangents and cuss words.

We are your hosts, party trickster turned semi responsible women.

I am your host, Heather Cairns and Emily Baggen.

Hello.

Here we are.

What episode are we on?

I forget.

I don't know.

I don't know either.

Six, seven.

Oops.

We meant to say episode eight.

They told us in our year seven.

Thank you for keeping track for us, Ryguy.

Isn't that our lucky number?

Doesn't everybody love the number seven?

No.

Minus 13.

I forgot to come out of my mouth.

Sorry.

Before Taylor Swift made it.

What the fuck did you just say?

Ew.

We started with a Taylor Swift.

Whatever.

Here we are, episode seven, undiagnosed and ready to cause a ruckus.

I am apologizing.

I am so tired.

Today I have my large coffee and I will be consuming it because I.

It's massive.

Cannot be held responsible what comes out of my mouth today.

I don't even know what's happening.

I just.

I actually like that better.

This is because we do this in the AM And I am not a morning person.

I know you are, but I am not.

But I just am not a sleeper.

That's what makes it more deluxe.

I think I'm going through the changes at this point in my life.

Puberty.

It's happening.

Puberty.

Yep, it's happening.

Your balls are finally dropping.

It's.

Congratulations.

My voice has already gotten low, so, I mean, it's about time.

Bet your testicles would be beautiful.

Wow.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

Today we are talking about rock bottom.

Yes.

We kind of discussed mine.

Fat bottom.

Fat bottom jeans.

We make the world go round.

Yeah.

So we talked about mine last time.

So sitting on the corner by yourself, alone in the cold, freezing and starving.

And nobody would give me change.

I had a bowl and everything.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah.

So, yeah, let's talk about what made you finally decide.

What made you decide to put the drugs up.

Did we ever talk about that?

That?

I don't think we did.

I don't think we did.

I went from the rebound, AKA the cousin who was big into the drugs.

He was the person that introduced me, the person I did it with.

Codependent.

And.

And then we were sort of breaking up, going in different directions.

It was devastating.

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.

And I met the firefighter who didn't ever, ever, ever do drugs.

But you were still sneaking away.

I was sneaking away.

And every time I would do it, I would get sicker and sicker and sicker.

Puking.

Gross.

It's just drugs aren't cute.

It's not cute.

So the last time I did anything, I didn't know it was gonna be the last time, which was probably good.

It was gone because I was heading to my rock bottom, and I knew something had to change.

I knew I was lost.

I was foggy.

And I think the big pivotal moment was my child.

He was turning 5.

And I started therapy.

I went to.

This is for the alcohol, not the drug.

For alcohol.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I started therapy because I'm like, I need antidepressants.

I have no interest in my son.

I was so disconnected.

It was just like he was there.

But I didn't care.

I didn't fucking care.

And if you want to really get under my skin, say, I don't care.

Because to me, that's so deep, and that means so much.

It does.

You're right.

I didn't care.

So I was seeing a psychiatrist.

I was seeing an addiction counselor, Ironically picked her before I admitted that there was a problem.

And the two of them had talked.

And I was, you know, a social drinker is what I told these professionals.

But I needed drugs.

I needed antidepressants.

I needed to feel better.

And she was like, you can't do that when you're drinking.

If you're drinking and you're trying to feel better, you're sabotaging every single happy thought or every single little happy feeling that you have.

If you're drinking, you're not going to get happy.

It's a depressant.

Obviously.

It does stuff to your brain.

So the two of them spoke.

And then I saw the two of who spoke.

My psychiatrist and my therapist.

My therapist who I love dearly.

Still see her.

Heidi.

I talked to her on Monday, and she said, say my name.

Go for it.

So Heidi Nunemaker was integral in saving.

Helping me save my life.

So she says to me, so you're a social drinker?

I said, yeah.

I go out and I have a few.

And through her questions and process of elimination, I'm a blackout drunk.

And she's like, you're not getting any medication until you stop that.

We are not going to watch you sabotage yourself.

You're going to spin your wheels.

And I went, oh, well, that matters.

That means something.

So that was sort of like in my head.

Anyway, fast forward my son's birthday.

He was turning 5, Jonah's birthday.

And I bought a bottle of Patron.

I invited my friends because that's what I did.

And I got annihilated.

Just annihilated.

I don't remember the party.

I see the pictures of sweet Joey and his big brown eyes and his little smile.

And I'm like, I fucked up.

I don't remember.

And I drank so much and I purposely avoided him.

That was another huge thing.

I didn't care.

And I avoided him because I was an embarrassment as a mother.

I was everything I didn't want to be when I had that baby.

So that was it.

That was it.

I kind of went, okay the next day.

Yeah.

Looking at the pictures and being like.

I don't remember that.

And being like, how fucking selfish.

You had all your friends over.

All of my pictures were of us doing shots in the kitchen and just playing and acting a fool.

And then there's these few little ones of the person I brought into this world.

And I'm nowhere near him and Rick is taking care of it and the family is there and I'm nowhere to be found.

It was that simple.

It was that simple.

Now, like you and like all people who have struggled with addiction, I had multiple rock bottoms.

Multiple.

I remember passing the fuck out.

And at one point I was on multiple drugs and very, very drunk.

And I kind of did a little fainty, fainty sort of thing.

And I remember this voice in my head telling me, you have to wake up, you gotta go back, you gotta go back, you gotta wake up.

You just took eight years.

Eight years are gone.

I don't know what that was.

And I can't.

I get goosebumps still even describing that.

But just.

It was terrible.

Eight years are gone.

Eight years are gone.

And I'm so scared on my deathbed, I'm going to sit there and be like, I could have lived eight extra.

But I lived such an awful life.

And I chose to die instead of live for so long that I might have cut this short.

That's a terrible feeling.

Well, but look where you are now.

I remember you talking to me about you would get such bad hangxiety, we call it.

Yeah.

And like the next four day hangovers.

Yeah.

And you would get actually, like, suicidal.

Which is, I think, as I've like mentioned that to other people.

I never had that experience.

I would get like down and be like, that's never gonna happen again.

And of course it would.

But.

But, like, you would actually have thoughts of killing yourself because the loathing.

Yeah.

And obviously suicide is selfish, but when you're in that position, you feel like everybody will be better off.

Jonah, my child, you will be better off.

I am doing nothing for you.

That was.

Yeah, that was rough.

That got hard.

So after that, I hung it up.

And I remember about a month later, I went to, I don't know, a little, like, summer ish party.

And I said, I haven't had a drink in a month.

I got laughed at.

And they're like, fuck you.

This is not you.

You are not stopping the person you laugh for.

And it wasn't like I had ever tried it before.

It wasn't like I ever told anybody, like, ooh, this is the laugh time.

I'm gonna be snorting oxy.

This is the last time I'm gonna smoke weed.

This is it.

The last ecstasy.

I never said that, but at that point, I did.

I said it and I got laughed at.

And I remember being, okay, let's go.

I'll show you.

I'm going to show you.

Because I'm also a very stubborn person.

Luckily, and I succeeded.

I chose to succeed.

And, yeah, I tried aa.

It was very scary because it did remind me of going into, like, the Kingdom hall with, like, the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Everybody just in my face, and I'm like, I don't wanna be your best friend.

I don't wanna carpool.

I don't wanna know you.

We know you.

Don't call me when you're having issues.

I got my own.

Holy moly.

Yeah, that was hard.

The first one was really awesome.

I went to AA and it was the middle of a day on, like a Tuesday or something.

And it was gentlemen.

And they were so sweet and wonderful.

And there was a.

That was at least 187 years old.

And he is just, yeah, welcome.

It's so wonderful to see you.

And I'm like, okay.

But, you know, then it was the big one, like, on the Saturday, and it was scary.

It was scary.

I know.

Heidi got it, though.

She understood because she had had all that time with me learning about it.

Yeah, I can imagine if you had to do all of that in your religious experience, that didn't turn out well for you.

That had.

People are scary.

They were sc.

Yeah.

Big time.

Big time.

I froze up when I walked into that AA meeting.

But she knew this is a working program.

And the chances of me or anyone just doing it is very slim.

It's so slim.

If you don't have that Support group.

But I met Jonah for the first time and that was it.

How do you.

How do you go back?

How would I go back to that and look at my child and my children now and just be like, meh, I'm just gonna throw that all away.

And I will never forget the feeling of the hangovers and just heart and soul and really wanting to go.

And like, God, why did I wake up again?

How is that possible?

I thought I was killing myself.

And here I am again, day after day after day after day.

It was horrible.

So, yeah, I think it all worked out exactly how it should have worked out because.

Ta da, here we are, nine years sober.

Like, it's not saying what you went through was, like, horrible.

And like, everything you went through with why you were coping with all of that was horrible.

And then the guilt.

So then you would continue drinking.

Sorry, I lost my earpiece.

Oh, I told you I was having issues with that.

You have very small ears.

I do have abnormally small ears.

It's okay.

The holes are big then.

Just for you to recognize all of that.

But it made you.

You're a fabulous mother.

You're so present with your kids.

You are there.

You, you know, you do a lot with them, but you are really good at what, what you.

You'll sit them down if you know that they're upset.

Oh, yeah.

Like, your kids are totally different.

You've got Jonah, who, like, never threw a temper tantrum, but you could tell when he would start getting upset.

And I remember you as he's been growing.

You've sat him down and been like, let's talk about this.

What can I.

Like, if you don't want to do this, you don't have to do this.

And then with Shila, completely different.

She is a no limit soldier that will fuck your shit up.

I remember she gave you a shiner once while we were on vacation, throwing a temper tantrum.

And you were holding her in your lap because she didn't want to sit in the high chair.

And of course then she would want to run around the restaurant and you were holding her in your lap and she headbutted me.

Head, like, threw her head back.

And you just calmly put her on Rick's lap and you just went down like this and took you a couple seconds the next morning.

Yeah.

Woke up with a shine.

I'm like, well, I guess she really gotcha.

It was a good one.

She really got you.

Yeah, but you are, I think because of how we were raised too, where you're throwing a temper Tantrum.

Go sit in the corner.

Whatever.

You will sit there and you'll want to talk about it with her.

Like, we're not going to act like this.

Correct.

You're really a good mom, and you're really good at not repeating patterns.

Yeah.

What your parents would do with you, I hope.

Not that my parents were bad.

I do think I had a great childhood.

I think my parents.

I, in many ways, will try to mimic what my parents did for us.

Or like.

Like, I try not to be as strict as my parents were.

I tried to be more open with my son than my parents were.

But I, you know, in many ways want to mimic that.

But you also, like, you're different.

Parker's so different from you.

And you have, like.

You are really good at sitting there.

Like, that's just one of the things, that many ways that I look up to you in that way.

Like, I really said thank you, and thank God you sobered up and became the mom that you are now.

They deserve this mom.

Right?

Right.

When I had Jonah, I wasn't sure about having kids ever.

I just.

I didn't think it was gonna be in the cards for me.

Well, with what you grew up with, I'm sure it's daunting.

It was very daunting.

I didn't want him to ever feel, you know, sort of the mental illness that.

Whatever.

But when I had him, I.

It's that, you know, that mother's.

Whatever, instinct, whatever you want to call it.

But I was just like, oh, my gosh.

I have never, ever, ever known love like this, and that's huge.

I thought at that point, I've been in love, and it's been desperate and gnarly and awful and amazing and brutal.

I met him and it was calm and it was beautiful, and he was.

Wonderful and happy, and he had that unconditional love.

And I was like, you are my heart and soul.

But then I was messing it up.

I was fucking it up, and I was pushing him and pushing him further and further and further away because you can't see this.

I don't want you to know me like that.

I know you, but you can't know me.

Like, a lot of the relationships that I had had in the past, you can't get to know me.

I still struggle with that.

But to your point, I want to be a far better mom than I was ever, ever, ever shown.

It ran into in the family until it ran into me.

And I'm changing that.

I am completely different from where I came from.

And I think that's awesome.

I think that's something to be proud.

Of when you either want to be just like your parents or nothing like your parents too.

In a lot of ways I'm kind of both.

But you were really good at recognizing I'm breaking that cycle.

I don't want my child to feel anxious like I always did around my mom.

And when you were drinking and when you were anxious, when you were hungover, I'm sure.

I mean, thank God he was younger at the time, but can you imagine it now?

Like, I know him and I know he always wants to make sure you're good too.

I mean, he's just a caring soul.

Yes.

And if he were to feel your anxiety now, can you imagine?

Or Shyla, who's who she is just an empath through and through.

You get riled, she's gonna show you up.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

But yeah, the hangovers were miserable and I was angry and I was a hitter and I was violent and awful and nasty and crying and he didn't need to see that.

He didn't recognize.

He didn't need to recognize that or understand that there was something very wrong.

Right.

So, yeah, I like you.

I told, I said I was going to quit drinking many times.

Like, you know, I would, in some ways I self sabotage myself.

Like, I would wake up bloody and bruised, you know, from the many times falling and just.

I actually had a friend of mine say to me once when I walked into work yet again with road rash on my face, she was like, do I need to be concerned?

Yep.

Is this really Digger hitting you right?

And I'm like, holy crap.

Oh my God.

First of all, that ain't gonna happen.

Second of all, if you were to know how awful I was to him last night, like, you would be worried for him.

Correct?

Like, and in no way, in no way.

I remember one time I had no recollection of this.

It was the first time I ever fell bad.

And my mom saw me and I was lit, lit.

And I could not remember the half an hour prior what happened.

And she goes, whoa, Heather, what happened?

And I said, I don't know, ask Digger.

She took that as.

And she was like, you know, then the next day she was like, heather, what happened?

Cause he's such a kind soul too.

He would never.

Pretty much got raised by a single mom since his dad, like his parents got divorced when he was young, so he would never treat a woman like that.

Very sweet.

And so the fact that she actually had doubts.

And then my friend had Doubts.

What was I doing to this poor man?

You had to blame something.

You had to blame something.

I just couldn't remember.

I was like, I don't know, ask Stigger.

And they took that.

As to that.

And so the multiple times I would say, I'm done drinking, I'm done drinking, I'm done drinking.

And then for it to actually stick.

I think I was more proud of myself than probably other people were.

But I just remember when I finally told my family the reason why, as we discussed last time.

Correct.

And I think then they actually got it.

Like, this is gonna be the change.

And now in a couple months, it'll be four years for me.

And Christmas time was Digger's two year anniversary of not drinking.

And he could handle his liquor much better than me.

Yeah, for sure.

He was definitely like me, social drinker.

We never wanted, like, you get a little buzz.

You never wanted the party to stop until he knew how, like, he had a couple, like, where he was just really gone and whatever.

And he knew I was nervous.

He didn't like me being nervous.

So he was like, I'm gonna take a page out of your book.

And I was like, no, no, no, no, you're not doing it because you think I want you to quit.

You need your own.

I am not telling you to quit because then you'll resent me and whatever.

But then he's like, he is now so happy he did it.

He's still in the phase, though, like I was for a while.

And I rem.

Like, you don't wanna go to a bar because you get like.

I remember being so anxious anytime I would be around people that were drinking, because I was like, the drama's gonna start.

The drama's gonna start.

Most of the time the drama was me.

People can handle their alcohol better than I could.

Isn't that funny?

Whoopsies.

Yes.

But then, like, so the first time that we were around people that were really drinking, we were at my son's birthday party, which he wanted to be like, this camping weekend.

So I was like, hey, we're gonna.

The party's gonna be at this time come.

Or if you wanna camp, we're gonna do this.

Yeah.

And do you remember one of the moms got so wasted that she got in a fight with security?

She got in a fight with a child.

Yes.

Whoops.

Yes.

Who was sort of badmouth.

And her kid.

And her kid got in the scuffle.

Yeah.

She just was like, whammo.

And security and yelling and screaming.

And we're like, yes.

And I remember her son telling me, I hate it when my mom drinks because she gets like this.

And I'm like, that to me, spoke volumes.

And I was like, oh, my God.

I hope that Parker doesn't have any recollections because we used to love to camp.

I now realized I don't want to camp if I'm not drinking.

It's just dirty.

We liked the party.

Yeah.

Yes.

You can drink at 7am when you're camping.

Right?

That's what they do.

And it doesn't matter.

I'm not judged for that.

But so, like, I remember being like, the things my poor child has seen.

And I have recently asked him.

I got up the courage.

I had been so scared, scared to ask him.

We were talking.

My nephew had turned 21, and Parker said, oh, he can drink now.

And I said, yeah, he can.

I said, you know, do you think you'll drink when you're 21?

He's like, oh, no.

And I'm like, parker, I want you to know that it's okay if you decide to when you're 21.

That is your right.

You can.

If you can do it responsibly.

I don't know if you can do it responsibly.

There's a right and a wrong, and.

Now there's Ubers and all of that.

Now if you can do it responsibly, go right ahead.

However, just know that because dad and I had an issue with it, that means that you have to be really, like, careful when you do it.

And know in the back of your mind.

My parents had issues.

Because that is hereditary, correct?

That addiction.

It could be any little thing.

Gambling, food, whatever.

And Tigger and I both had food addiction and really alcohol addiction.

So that is.

You just have to keep that in the back of your mind.

And if you feel you can do it responsibly, have at it.

It is your right.

But do know that if I think that there's ever a problem, I'm gonna say something to you.

Correct.

And there have been times where I have brought it up.

Like, it's so hard now.

Like, when you try to bring it up to somebody that you think might have a problem, I'm not judged.

Like, they look.

Oh.

Cause you're sober now, you can tell me that.

Fuck yeah.

Like, yes.

I'm not judging you at all.

Yeah.

But I just don't want you to see where I got to.

And I think that's the whole.

You have the opportunity to be better, exponentially better.

Happier healthier the best version of you.

And the only thing that.

The only thing that's getting in your way is you.

Yeah.

I didn't know I was an alcoholic until I stopped drinking.

I quoted that from Steve O.

From Jackass.

Love that.

I didn't know I was until I hung it up and I was like, holy cow, I miss my best friend.

But that is why I'm judging you.

Maybe that's not the right word, but, yeah, I'm judging you because you can do better.

You will be better.

If I didn't care, I wouldn't say anything.

Yep.

All right, here we are.

Oh, I wanted to mention, too.

Yes, audience, the two people watching us or listening.

If you have any questions for us, email us and we're gonna, like, address questions in a future episode.

Anything else you want to hear more about?

Anything you want to.

I don't even know.

Questions about what has happened.

Yeah.

Or if you have talked about, like.

Yeah.

What we went through, what you've gone through.

Share with your stories.

I love it.

Yeah.

Let us know and we will share those on a future episode.

Absolutely.

All right, see you around.

Peace.

Why do I always do that?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Thanks for letting us tickle your ear hole and not turning us off after the first 30 seconds.

Don't forget to subscribe and join our email list to get in on the action.