For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

Have you ever felt like small frustrations slowly build up until suddenly you’re snapping at the person you care about most? You tell yourself you’ll do better next time, but the same pattern keeps repeating, leaving you feeling frustrated, guilty or stuck.

In this episode of The Anger Secrets Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs speaks with Matthew, a husband who found himself caught in a cycle of escalating arguments that were damaging trust in his relationship. Although he didn’t see himself as someone with a major anger problem, underlying stress and unprocessed emotions were turning everyday situations into conflict.

You’ll hear how Matthew learned to recognise his early warning signs of anger, slow down his reactions and use practical tools to shift from conflict to cooperation, rebuilding calm communication and creating positive change at home.

What you’ll learn in this episode:

-Why anger often shows up through small moments rather than big events

-How frustration can build quietly until it suddenly explodes

-The importance of recognising where you are on the Tension Scale

-Why thoughts don’t have to become actions

-How changing your perspective can transform your relationship dynamics

-Simple tools that help you slow down and respond more intentionally

Want help with this?

If you recognise yourself in Matthew’s story and want practical support learning how to control your anger, help is available:

-Watch the free training on breaking the anger cycle

-Book a free 30-minute Anger Assessment Call

-Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System

They'd been married for years, but lately every conversation turned into a fight.

He'd snap over small things, the dishes left out or plans changing, and his anger would just take over.

He knew he was damaging his marriage, but he couldn't seem to stop.

He'd tried controlling it on his own, promising himself he'd do better.

It never lasted.

Today you're going to hear what changed.

Hello and welcome to the Angus Secrets Podcast.

I'm your host, Alastair Duys, and For the last 30 years I've taught more than 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

Today I'm talking with Matthew, a husband who came to me eight weeks ago, stuck in a pattern of explosive arguments with his wife.

He was frustrated, ashamed, and didn't know how to break the cycle.

Today, he and his wife are communicating calmly, resolving conflicts without yelling, and rebuilding the trust that anger had eroded.

If you'd like help with your anger like Matthew received, visit AngusSecrets.com for a free 30 minute phone call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

But first, let's hear Matthew's story.

Can you tell me a bit about yourself?

Yep.

I'm 32 years old now.

I was born in South Africa and lived there for most of my life and moved over to New Zealand about eight years ago.

I've married in that time now I have a stepson and I own my own small business.

I coach rugby with some kids and just a very community orientated guy.

I help out with my church with singing and newsletters and all of that.

And from the anger side of things, I think growing up in South Africa we are always more cautious toward everything.

So you grow up always double checking things behind you and just being more aware.

I think of surroundings and people and all of that.

So a lot of anxiousness I think builds up over the years of small noises or what could that be?

Always thinking worst case scenario.

So what brought you to the anger management course?

About two years ago I was out with my friends and then my friend got into a fight and I went and defended him and I hit a guy and that guy got hurt pretty bad.

I don't necessarily think I have a problem with anger, but I definitely think having tools like this could be useful to anybody in any situation.

Especially as I've gone through the course, I can see how things can help de escalate any situation and keeping your temper is always the one and violence is never justified.

I say as well.

So yeah, yeah, completely agree.

So is anger affecting other parts of your life?

I think that I was generally a hangry kid.

I think in a sense of I never liked seeing unfairness and that type of things provoked me to stand up for what I get as guesses.

Right.

But then again, that contradicts my faith of that's acting out of self righteousness and that's not necessarily what I want.

So as I grew older, being married and all of those things, there was always arguments in any marriage.

And so yes, there is always anger there.

That's a natural feeling for me.

So just in terms of your marriage, were there arguments or if there were, how heated did they get?

Yes, I would make my partner my enemy when everything else was getting to me.

And so because I wouldn't necessarily act out in public, I would bring that frustration home and it would boil over into my personal life.

And I think as young men we try to discover ourselves but to the liability of using the ones closest to us as the bag that hangs there to take all our brunt and all our burdens.

And it's only really until I came back to my faith strong and seeing that my wife isn't my enemy.

So I think us both coming together and saying we can be strong with our faith and that we have a common enemy which is always trying to keep us apart.

So us being a team and moving forward and saying we have a common enemy and we are not each other's enemies here and then there needs to be always understanding that when it gets to the argument, we need to take that time and say this isn't what we want, this is the outcome that we want.

So how can we, whether that be like tools like this, like taking a time out, realizing that no one's right here, things like that, that can definitely help.

So how has doing the course been for you so far?

Yeah, for me, my dad was very loving.

He always showed me how to treat women, very respectful men.

So I had a great role model.

But I think on the other side of that coin, I also saw a man that didn't really open about being vulnerable, about his own flaws and things like that.

And yeah, the course teaches me to be more open about those feelings early on if I am frustrated or things like that to speak up because I tend to just quiet down and have the arguments or whatever frustration I have, I play it out in my mind probably like 300 times and then time comes to talk about it.

I've had that conversation so many times that I just recluse back.

And yeah, recognizing that early on saying, okay, I'm on this tension scale, I want to bring that down.

I want to be compromising to everybody hearing the other side, understanding the other side and listening more than what I speak.

It's definitely helped me in those terms.

And yeah, just being aware of it wherever something could come in.

And I don't necessarily want to do something or say something that ends up bringing my partner to tears or something that's not my intentions or anything like that.

And because like I said, I've got a stepson as well.

And I know that hurt people, hurt others.

So I don't want to hurt anybody around me.

So, yeah, I think just having those tools really makes it a huge asset to look at things and change the way that I look at things and the things I look at will change.

So what do you think the biggest change you've made since starting the courses?

I think especially the thoughts to action.

I recognize that I am allowed to have these thoughts and that the thoughts should stay thoughts and that acting on it.

That's where the malice intent.

I think anybody can think anything.

But yeah, for me, be slow to speak, slow to anger.

So I try turn my thoughts, I think toward the things that are good.

And we focus in this course on positive thinking, positive thoughts.

And I want to speak positive things.

I don't want to speak any bad because words have life and have power.

And like I tell my son, once you say something, you cannot take it back.

It's in the world, it's in that person's head.

So I think just slowing down on how you feel and processing it yourself, stepping away from it and then, yeah, then go to it later.

The timeout thing, the tension scale, those are just things that I'm constantly reminding myself of.

Driving in Auckland is probably the biggest thing is we have lots of traffic and my business partner, he drives us around most of the time and he gets quite angry as well.

And I'm like, we got to work on this side.

Try encourage him to recognize that he's feeling about it a certain way.

And you're making notes as you go through the course.

Yeah, so I've got a journal that I basically write all my notes down and then use the sheets and make my hangry diary and just keep everything in a book, a nice hardcover and just have that book as my anger management diary, basically.

Yeah, it's definitely help, especially the writing down.

I find it's good for me because I just like to write it down.

Look through it, go through the pages again and just see the things that I have been working through and seeing the progress as well here.

Makes a lot of sense.

How is doing an online course been for you?

It's been really good.

I'm a busy man.

So when I've got off time or doing quoting and just listening or going through an episode again and that, that's been the best part is I can't remember this.

Go to a journal, go to that page.

I have the ability to go through it again.

I have the ability to look at charts, all of these things in my own time.

And that's really what it was for me, is that time is of the essence.

And this course has definitely given me the ability to wake up.

Okay, I've got 10 minutes here.

That's one session.

I've got 10 minutes later in the day.

Yep, that's another session.

So, yeah, having that small sessions as well I think is key, is not like this is an hour sit down, but it's like I can focus through it throughout the day.

Yeah, that's definitely helpful.

Have other people noticed changes in you?

I think my wife has probably.

But hand in hand with doing the course, going back on my faith and going to churches definitely grounded me.

Like I said, it's the faith, but it's also along with faith, you need tools to overcome all these obstacles.

And a course like this definitely gives me more insight as well on how those feelings could affect me or how my enemy, as I would see it, can get hold of me.

And that generational curse of, yeah, just trying to break the cycles and things like that is really important to me.

Do you feel like you are breaking the cycle?

Yeah, I definitely feel so.

I sit and I read each night with my son before bed and we talk about it.

And I'm more open as a father than my father was about my vulnerabilities and my mistakes that I've made and to be able to talk to them truthfully and let them see that I am weak as well, and that I am able to be reached by these things and obstacles in my life.

But working through that and letting your children know that it is okay as well to feel like that early on.

I feel that they can then, as they get older, come and speak about it more as opposed to just work through it on their own or not work through it at all, which I felt like I had to work through a lot of those things in my life by myself.

And if you lean on your own understanding, it's not Necessarily the right understanding, especially if you're angry and lean on your understanding in that moment.

So, yeah, I definitely feel like they can see changes that role modeling is so important.

So if someone is listening to this podcast episode and they've got some sort of anger issue and they're thinking about doing the course, what would you say to them?

Yeah, I would definitely recommend them taking this course because firstly, like I said, it's time effective.

They can do it from anywhere.

They can do it throughout the day, which keeps you on course with the course.

Little small snippets during the day is a lot more subsistence than just taking an hour on one day and then leaving it and not having it there.

It's also great because I feel like it's given me so many tools.

It uses the same tools throughout the course and just develops it a little bit more each step of the way.

So it's having those little abbreviations, recognizing the things and then just putting it into action and you see the results that you can get with that situation.

If you make a conscious decision to use those tools, it really is effective because the moment something happens and I'm saying to myself, where are you on the tension scale now?

Okay, is a good thought going to be bringing me down?

Is a bad thought going to be bringing me down?

It just puts all those principles in place so that you can ask yourself the things to get you away from what is about to happen.

And you feel good, you feel good about doing it, you feel good that you've got to ask.

And all of devices to extinguish flames.

Anything else you'd like to say?

I think just in general, for anybody that's looking to do a course like this, I know in the beginning everybody feels like I don't need a hanger management.

But it, like I said, it's tools that are essential, I think for everybody to discuss.

Just like a first aid course would benefit anybody, not just first aiders, so too anger management.

It's.

It's a natural feeling that everybody will have in their life, whether that be once or a hundred times over and that if you have those things at your disposal, use it.

Especially if it's 10 minutes.

Here we.

What is 10 minutes?

If we can watch shows or nights, it is so helpful.

That could possibly be the difference between going into a fight or not.

It's.

I'd be looking to de escalate it as opposed to escalating it and making myself seem like the right when nobody's in the right.

When anger prevails.

Okay, so that's Matthew's story.

Let's pause briefly to think about what you just heard.

Matthew wasn't someone who thought he had a major anger problem.

He saw himself as a good husband, a father, someone involved in his community.

But underneath, that frustration was building.

Small things would pile up, and instead of feeling like a team, he found himself turning his partner into the opponent without even realising it.

And like many people, he tried to manage it on his own.

He told himself he'd do better next time, but without the right tools, the the pattern kept repeating.

What changed for him wasn't just motivation, it was awareness.

He learned to recognize where he was on the tension scale before things escalated.

He learned to slow down his reactions instead of acting on every thought.

And perhaps most importantly, he made a powerful shift, seeing his wife not as the enemy, but as someone on the same team.

Since starting the course, he describes feeling calmer, more grounded, and more intentional in how he responds.

And the people closest to him are noticing the difference.

So if you're listening right now and you recognize that pattern, snapping over small things, feeling frustrated with yourself afterward, or wanting to change but not knowing how there is a path forward, the same system that helped Matthew can help you too.

Visit angersecrets.com and book a free 30 minute phone call with me.

We'll talk about what's really going on with your anger and map out a clear next step.

Or, if you're not ready for a call yet, start with the free training on breaking the anger cycle also@AngerSecrets.com and remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.