Get ready, folks! We're diving into the world of the Rochester Fringe Festival with the fabulous Lauren Kee, who's bringing her one-woman show "Deal Breaker" to the stage on September 19th and 20th.

Check out the episode on Just Can't Not wherever you get your podcasts or on Lunchador.org!

https://player.captivate.fm/episode/22ce3fa6-9308-4ef4-b46b-4b146369080b/

This isn't just any show; it's a heartfelt, comedic exploration of dating while living with herpes, aiming to break down stigmas and help folks feel a little less alone in their struggles. Lauren’s got a knack for storytelling, blending humor and personal anecdotes to tackle a topic that many shy away from. She’s all about self-acceptance, and trust me, her journey is as enlightening as it is entertaining. So grab your tickets for just $25 at rochesterfringe.com, and let’s embrace the awkwardness together—because who doesn’t love a little laughter mixed with real talk?

Mentioned in this episode:

Joe Bean Roasters

Visit joebeanroasters.com to get fresh roasted specialty coffee either by the bag or with a Perpetual Joy subscription!

Well, that music means it's time for another episode of Just Can't Not.

I'm your host, Chris Lindstrom, and we're here doing previews for the Rochester Fringe festival happening from September 15th to the 26th in scenic downtown Rochester, New York.

Go to Rochester rochesterfringe.com to get your tickets for events today.

And you definitely want to get your tickets early.

And I'm here with a guest.

Guest.

Why don't you introduce yourself?

My name is Lauren Key and I'm performing at the Rochester fringe on the 19th and 20th.

Yeah.

So 19th and 20th at the.

The mag.

The Memorial Art Gallery at.

In the Lynn Lovejoy Parlor.

And the show is called Deal Breaker.

Tickets available at rochesterfrench.com $25 for the tickets.

4 And 3:30 on Saturday and Sunday of the first weekend.

So.

So let's just jump right in.

So what is Dealbreaker about?

Deal Breaker is a one woman show.

It's autobiographical and it's about dating with herpes.

And the real goal of this show is to make people feel less alone and also to extend this broader message of how do we accept ourselves, how do we love ourselves when society is telling us that we are unlovable?

So it's part storytelling, part acting as different characters, as well as some comedy just to bring levity to this taboo topic.

So something I've been fascinated with with Fringe last year and then Pittsburgh Fringe earlier this year is the one person show.

So I'm a little bit enamored with it because it's just such a.

It's such a capsule of somebody's mindset, Right?

It's such a capsule of somebody's experiences and also an opportunity for just a giant canvas.

So why the one person show versus doing a storytelling event or writing a blog or doing something else?

Why the one person show?

Yeah, that's a great question.

So I actually don't have a theater background at all.

So a lot of why I do things is because that's what I saw out in the world.

So I just got a moment of inspiration.

But yeah, I started storytelling five years ago doing like shorter moth like stories.

And then I started in.

My first story ever was about dating with herpes, which you'll see in my show.

It was kind of like my turning point.

But after a few years of doing the shorter stories, I started to see people doing these longer one person shows.

And I just saw like what was possible, like people acting different characters, bringing music into their show, having projectors with different images, and it was Just really inspirational.

And I thought, wow, there's so many ways I want to express myself and this journey I've been on with dating with herpes that I feel like I can't put just into words on paper.

Like it really comes to life in sharing how I feel about something when it's a bit more abstract or artistic.

So I've been loving it so far.

But I'm super open to other art forms too.

Yeah.

Cause it's a lot, right?

It's a lot of preparation, it's a lot of writing.

It's, you know, then testing and then tweaking, which is something that, you know, storytellers do.

Doing moth style stories, you know, those are practice, those are understood.

But it's a different time frame.

Right.

Like you're doing a 45 minute or an hour and that's a whole different duration.

So obviously a lot of those skills are transportable.

Right.

Like pacing, being able to pause for dramatic effect, bring somebody up, then bring them down, bring the laugh, then, you know, bring them back to reality.

When you were working through the process of doing a longer show, how was the process for you?

So I started off writing some shorter stories, probably because that's what I was used to doing.

And then I started to find how my stories were connecting to each other.

And I would also have these crazy ideas.

For example, I have a eulogy to my one night stands and that wouldn't fit in a normal storytelling show.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, wow, this is so cool that I'm having this idea.

And like so many other ideas would unlock and like so many of the ideas didn't make it into the final draft, but who knows, maybe they'll make it into future ones.

Yeah.

But yeah, the process was very fun, but also challenging.

It was so daunting to think, wow, am I really going to write a 60 minute piece and then I'm going to have to memorize all these words that I'm typing.

So I was scared for a lot of the process, to be honest.

But.

But I had a great support system.

My director, Francesca Soubre, and then creative consultant Lisa Burton.

They're both based in Chicago with me, but they both have a lot of experience in this realm.

So I got to just bring my ideas and my writing and then they both helped me with like, oh no, this transition makes more sense.

Or this part is going on way too long, like on stage that will drag on.

And I'm like, oh, thank you.

I never would have known that.

Yeah.

And I think that's kind of a testament to collaboration, which isn't just somebody saying, hey, I want to work with you.

It's somebody who's actually be able to give you real feedback that is actionable and is pertinent to your process too.

Because they kind of.

You kind of need to know a person to give them the feedback that's going to work for them the most.

Definitely.

And especially for a story that's so personal, like, this is not a fictional one person show.

This is my life.

So it's a very like, intimate process giving someone feedback on their writing that's about them and how they perceive themselves and how they want that to manifest on stage.

So, yeah, I'm so grateful for my crew.

Yeah.

Somebody's like, you know that feeling you had?

Tamp that down a little bit.

It's not that big a deal.

Don't worry about it.

I didn't really like that character.

Oh, that's me.

Yeah,.

Yeah.

Because it's, you know.

Have you done the show already?

Is this your first time doing it in front of an audience?

It's probably my 12th time.

Okay.

It sounds so exact.

I think somewhere around there.

I debuted it this past February in Chicago and I started writing it last summer.

So I'm now doing like the fringe circuit.

I did the Harrisburg, Pennsylvania Fringe last month.

Awesome.

And then I'm doing the Elgin, Illinois Fringe Festival a few days after Rochester.

But yeah, I performed it in a few places in Chicago and New York as well.

Nice.

Yeah.

Because that's, you know, what I'm always intrigued with, you know, when you do something the first time or the first few times and then you're like, this is the thing I need to tweak now.

What's one of the things you know that you've, you know, without being specific about, like part of the show.

But like, what's one of the things that you've adjusted once you've started doing in front of an audience that you didn't know beforehand?

So many things I have tweaked my show after every time I've done it.

Sometimes really small wording tweaks like, oh, that sounded awkward when I said it, or like I'm repeating the same idea three times.

That is probably my biggest growth area.

I think from like the first show to the one I'll do in Rochester, it's way more concise.

I felt like I was ranting a lot about my frustration with men rejecting me for having herpes and just like all the misconceptions that come with Herpes and how unfair the stigma felt.

And I think I, like, really beat that idea with a hammer, like, so many times over.

And it actually meant that I didn't have enough space in my script for the resolution and how I came out of it and how I healed and, like, reached this point of self acceptance.

So not only was it probably repetitive for listeners, but it also kind of ended abruptly.

And actually a lot of people told me, like, lauren, your show, like, it flew by.

It was over before I knew it.

And at first I was like, oh, that sounds like a great thing.

And then as I reflected more, I was like, actually, I don't think this is great.

I want to, like, take folks on, like, a softer landing at the back third of my show.

So now, like, the middle ranting part, or I guess the struggle of, like, this journey is, like, a little bit more concise.

But it's so hard to, like, kill your darlings, as they say.

Just, like, so many good lines.

I wanted to keep, of course.

Well, and I kind of.

I mean, not to.

Not to pathologize too much or anything like that, but it seems like that's also probably part of that whole journey of self acceptance personally as well, is you're mired in.

You can be mired in the bitterness and mired in the.

In the anger and the disappointment and, you know, all those things that come with rejection for something that at some point you just can't control.

I imagine that was probably something you had to work through as well to get to the acceptance.

And it's like.

It's so, so odd how that, like, that process that you found yourself mired back in that again doing the show.

Yeah, it's all so meta.

Yeah, like, the show is really a perfect representation of how I was able to accept myself because it was confronting all the emotions I had with having herpes validating how I felt.

I don't think I let myself be as angry as I was for so many years.

And I had to, like, go through that anger and, like, the grief for what I thought my younger dating years would look like.

I had to go through all of that to reach this point of being, like, okay, now that I have, like, a handle on these emotions, it's actually very manageable.

And it's not that big of a deal, which I would always tell the guys I was dating, but inside, I actually didn't feel that way.

It was a big deal to me.

And now that I've, like, done all the ranting and the reflecting, it's A.

It's a much smaller deal.

Yeah.

And I think that's, you know, and we're going to dive into just a little bit of, you know, the, you know, part of the stigma and everything else.

But I kind of want to jump to the ending part, which is,.

You.

Know, there's so much like it's, it's such a worry.

Right.

So you're having, having something that in the end you can't fully control is just so, like, it's a nerves thing.

It's a worry thing.

But I think that realization of, oh, it turns out that if, if you're dating a real ass adult that actually knows themselves and knows about, you know, science and the world and people in the gray areas of life.

Like, that's the thing with everything is being, you know, being around a real ass adult, not a, you know, not somebody who's, you know, cosplaying as, as, you know, a man or woman, depending on your taste.

Right.

And that's like, you know, that's the whole thing is like, oh, you can.

There's the gray areas of life and that's the whole thing here.

Definitely.

Yeah.

And I think it's hard in this age of, like, app dating where it's so easy to write people off so quickly.

Yeah.

And you don't want to even know their story.

Like, it's not even worth it because you could just find someone else.

But if you just keep having that mindset, you're not really going to get deep with anyone.

And yeah, I've been, I've reflected a lot on, like, oh, what do we share early on in dating?

What gets shared later?

Like, when do we have an obligation to share each thing?

And for my case, like, it's something that I have to share before I'm like, sexually active with someone.

Whereas someone else who might have, like, trauma with some other thing doesn't necessarily need to share it within the first month of dating.

So it's just interesting.

Yeah.

So, I mean, let's dive into it.

So the, so, you know, for, for those that are not aware about, you know, what, what is herpes?

What's the, you know, what's the presentation?

I mean, not that we're talking to a medical professional, but somebody that has real life experience.

So how would you, how would you define it?

Yeah, so herpes is a really common virus.

It's categorized as a sti.

So sexually transmitted infection.

But it also doesn't need to be sexual because oral herpes is herpes too.

People just call it a cold Sore.

And you can get that from, like, your grandma kissing you on the lips when you're little.

But, yeah, Like, I think the biggest misconception with herpes is that it's actually so common and most people don't even know that they have it.

Herpes is not included in standard STI testing.

So, like, when you go to get testing and you ask for the full panel, like, herpes won't actually be on it, really.

Doctors aren't that worried about it.

Yeah, well, it makes sense.

I mean, logically, it makes sense.

Like, it's not something really to be worried about.

Yeah, yeah.

Doctors will say, like, the stress of having it is worse than the thing itself, which is tough when you're the one who knows that you have it and then other people don't and they're rejecting you.

It's like ignorance is bliss in this case, I guess.

But.

Yeah, but, yeah.

So over three out of four people have oral herpes, and about one in six people has genital herpes.

Another misconception, I think, is that they can be spread from, like, one place to the next.

So it actually doesn't matter where you have it.

It's the same virus.

So I got general herpes from someone's oral herpes because they went down on me.

Yeah.

So it's frustrating for me that genital herpes has this big stigma and oral herpes does not.

And I think it's because as society, as a society, we're uncomfortable with anything about sex, and it also just carries this promiscuity stigma with it.

Even though you can get genital herpes from having sex one time.

Yeah, well, and then it's like, it's one number difference.

Right.

It's HSV1 and HSV2.

Right.

It's.

It's one number difference.

They're wildly similar and they can present in different parts of the body.

Right.

They're the same.

They're roughly the same presentation.

They're roughly the same thing, except for.

Yeah.

One is like, hey, your grandma's lived the life.

Okay.

Yeah.

Get it.

Yeah, yeah.

And actually HSV 1 and 2 can live on the mouth or down there.

So I have HSV1 down there.

So it doesn't even matter the number.

People are always worried about the location.

But I'm like, if you're engaging in oral sex, which, like, hopefully you are for a full sex life, then you are just as prone to getting it.

Yeah, absolutely.

And it's like, it's the kind of thing if you're going to be you know, if you're.

You know, if you're not a partnered single person, you know, a fully partnered person who is fully monogamous, and if you're out exploring and having a good time and trying to meet people and find your person, if that's what you're hoping to do, you're gonna get exposed to things.

It is fundamental to the process.

Right.

Like.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah.

Of course, you could use lots of.

Lots of protection.

Let's be honest.

People aren't doing.

People aren't doing dental dams.

People aren't doing that kind of stuff.

Like, this is.

It's.

If you're out and having a good time, things are going to happen.

And it's so wildly common.

It's something, you know, when you're a younger person, everything is catastrophized even more, and the risk and everything else, especially with our, you know, the purity.

You know, the purity culture that it, you know, kind of pervades, you know, education and then obviously religion and everything else.

It only makes it harder to talk about real things that are just things that happen.

Definitely.

Yeah.

You can be so responsible and still get herpes, but you can get it even when you're wearing a condom, because it can be, like, outside of that area.

So.

Yeah, it's just.

It's crazy.

Like, the morality that we place on it.

Yeah.

I'm just hoping by talking about it more, we can help normalize it.

So many people have come up to me after my shows, like, whispering in my ear or kind of shedding a tear, that they also have herpes.

And, like, they haven't told anyone about it.

So it's so painful to see.

Especially people in their 60s have come up to me after, and they've only talked about it in romantic settings.

Like, they haven't told friends or family.

And, like, I don't blame them.

I didn't enjoy telling my family about this, but I kind of had to when I went public with my show.

Exactly.

But, yeah, it just.

It's really sad that it can, like, dominate people's lives.

Um, yeah.

Yeah.

And it's.

I. I think there's so many people who are doing, you know, trying to make the communication around it less catastrophized.

You know, I'll use an example of some, you know.

You know, if you listen to Dan Savage, for example, somebody that.

Or read his columns, and it's, you know, something that was always.

Was mentioned just like, this is something that happens if you're out having sex with people and enjoying that stuff.

This is one of the very likely outcomes, and it's one of the costs, one of the very small things that you pay for having all of those exciting times and all those exciting opportunities.

So I guess we talked about a little bit of the generalities of those things.

So how are you feeling?

How are you feeling about it right now at this part of your journey?

Yeah, I feel very good about it, but I am sometimes surprised by how much it affects me at random moments when I'm least expecting it.

Like, you think someone who has performed a whole show about dating with herpes would be, like, the most comfortable person ever?

But, yeah, I remember I was, like, handing out flyers for my show at a certain event, and a woman probably, like, the age of my mom comes up to me, looks at my flyer, and it's like, oof, herpes.

That would suck to have.

And I'm just like, this is clearly about me.

Like, my face is on this flyer.

Like, how do you think I'm supposed to feel when you're saying that to me?

Right.

And my whole body just, like, heated up.

And it was the same, like, reaction I had when I would be disclosing to guys on dates.

And I was, like, mad at myself for having this reaction.

Like, oh, shouldn't I be so over this?

Like, who cares about this person being rude?

I don't even think she was mean to be rude.

It was just, like, a stream of consciousness thing that she said.

Yeah.

I was like, wow, I'm really hurt by that statement.

Yeah.

And I think there's.

I think it's one of the great things about using some of these moments in your life and, you know, really working through it and expressing it.

And I think that's, you know, it's a great, you know, the ability to really kind of sit with the stuff too.

Right.

I think that's part of the journey of making a show like this is.

You're gonna have to revisit where you were mentally during the different parts of this.

That has to be just a fascinating thing to do.

It really is.

It's really cathartic.

For a lot of, like, parts in my script when I was writing it, like, I, like, tears were just falling down my face, and I was just like, I don't need to be doing this.

Like, I am just revisiting the darkest parts of my life by choice.

But I think I needed to do that to get to this place where I am Now.

But yeah, it's really, it's sad for me to look back on my younger self and just like, what I was struggling with.

So I'm.

I'm really doing this for my younger self.

I'm doing it for, like, other people.

Hopefully I can, like, save them some time and grief with their herpes diagnosis.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I'm going to end off with one just general question and then I want to talk about Chicago for a second.

So the.

I guess the last question.

Are you happy?

I'm so happy.

I never could have imagined my life would be like this, like, performing the show and returning.

I forgot to mention I went to the University of Rochester for college.

I also got herpes in Rochester.

So it's a big full circle moment for me that comes with a lot of feelings.

But overall, I'm so happy and I'm really proud of myself for doing this.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

So I just wanted to talk about Chicago for a second because I love visiting the city as a severe food and drink nerd.

Like, what a place to hang out.

And the last time I went was I went to one of the old school Mexican neighborhoods and went to.

Yeah, yeah, I went over there and went to Carnitas Juroupan, which was just phenomenal.

And it's amazing to go and taste history in a place, a place that's around for 50 years or longer that does things exactly the same way for 50 years.

And that's something amazing about Chicago is just the density of so many things that have been there for a long time.

Yeah.

So I live in Uptown, which I couldn't be farther from Pilsen.

We don't have a car, but I keep meaning to go down there.

It's probably been like a few months, but yeah, I feel so lucky.

I also feel like Uptown is like a really good foodie neighborhood.

It's.

I think at one point it was the most diverse neighborhood in Chicago.

So we're just so lucky.

We have like Ethiopian, Mexican.

We're near Argyle, which is like the little Vietnam of Chicago.

I can walk to all these places, like, in 10 minutes.

That's hard to beat.

I mean, being able to get all those things that take so much time but are also so affordable and are amazing foods.

You know, it's just like, what an opportunity to explore different cultures inside your own.

Inside your own little enclave.

Definitely.

Yeah.

And Rochester is such a foodie city.

I'm excited just to, like, go out to eat there.

Well, make sure you reach out because I have a giant list of everything you could possibly want to find.

Yeah, no, I definitely will.

Absolutely.

So let's we're going to put out the plugs again.

So the shows are on Saturday the 19th at 4, Sunday the 20th at 3:30.

Show is called Deal Breaker.

Tickets are $25 at rochesterfringe.com and Lauren, anywhere else you want people to follow you.

Yeah, you can follow me on Instagram at laurentellstories.

And I also just made a website, lauren key.com it's pretty sparse right now but maybe I'll add more to it soon.

That's awesome.

Yeah, I'm happy to connect also if you're struggling with herpes and my DMs are open like I'm always happy to chat.

Fantastic.

Well, Lauren, thank you so much for joining.

Appreciate you joining for this fringe preview and we'll see everybody out on the fringe.

This has been a presentation of the Lunch Podcast Network.