Artwork for podcast The Voice of Dog
“The Adventurers” by Kandrel
24th August 2020 • The Voice of Dog • Rob MacWolf and guests
00:00:00 00:23:47

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Don’t let the human-centric fantasy world-view convince you that Kobolds can’t be adventurers, too!

Today’s story is “Adventurers” by Kandrel, who denies that he is actually three kobolds in a trench-coat, and you can find more of his stories at www.foxyonline.com.

Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.

Transcripts

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You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.

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I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,

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and Today’s story is

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“Adventurers” by Kandrel,

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who denies that he is actually three kobolds in a trench-coat,

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and you can find more of his stories on his webpage,

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www.foxyonline.com.

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Please enjoy:

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“Adventurers” by Kandrel

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Duke Somerfell was not having a good day.

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It was a sunny day out.

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The birds were chirping

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and the apple orchard was in bloom.

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He’d even had cherries in his breakfast brought to him

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from the tree his father had imported as a seedling from the east.

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If Duke Somerfell had been a simpler man,

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it would have been a good day.

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But he wasn’t. He was a complicated man, and complicated men had complicated reasons for their moods.

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For one—the sun. It was the middle of spring and the sun was shining down hot.

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It was basking weather,

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and when it was basking weather,

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the dragons came out.

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You’d find them sprawled on mountain meadows and across the tops of trees in the high forests.

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He was the lord of nearly two hundred thousand acres of prime dragon territory,

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and the dragons were such a

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complication. Second, he reminded himself,

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his daughter had been taken.

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She had been on her way to the south to meet Lord Pindlefeather’s son

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—her betrothed and soon-to-be husband.

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It’d been such a neat little contract.

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Within a generation,

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the Somerfells would instead lay claim over half a million

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acres. That is, if the dragon

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(see previous complication)

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hadn’t taken interest in her caravan and made off with her and her rather enormous…

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Dowry. Little Miss Somerfell had been another complication.

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She took after her mother’s homeland

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—large and northern.

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Why had he ever taken a wife from the northern tribes?

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Of course, there had been the treaty.

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And the land. His northern border had swollen to twice its previous girth.

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But when his daughter had arrived…

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Well. She was his first and only child, but if you measured purely by mass, he had a truly prolific amount of heir.

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She wasn’t fat—that he could have solved by hiring a well-trained chef and a disciplinarian to look after her.

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No, instead she was…

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Northern. In the north, they had myths and legends of giants and titans

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that wandered the mountains in the ancient days.

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If Little Miss Somerfell’s stature was any measure,

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she was a direct descendant.

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When he’d first been told that a dragon had picked up his daughter and flown off with her, he had to stifle his first question,

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which had been “How?”

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Instead, he’d made the edict across his lands.

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Bounty notices and broadsheets were hung in villages and towns.

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He who could return his daughter to him would be granted a parcel of land and a bag of gold as heavy as he could carry.

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It had been an ingenious reward,

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he had to admit to himself.

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It didn’t specify the size of the land grant,

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nor its location.

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Further, gold was much heavier than your normal person realized.

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It was riches to your small-town country bumpkin hero,

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but it would barely make a dent in the treasury for Duke Somerfell.

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He was pouring himself a morning tipple when he heard the door to his solar open.

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Seabridge, his butler,

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entered and bowed.

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“May I present the Heroes, my lord.

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In response to your bounty.”

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“Ah, of course.” He continued pouring.

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He hated adventurers.

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They dragged in mud with them.

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Still, he had asked for them to come.

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It was just another little frustration to darken his day.

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“Thank you for coming.

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I must admit, I’m impressed.

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I only just posted the bounty yesterday.

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I hadn’t expected anyone to respond so promptly.

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Would you care for brandy?

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It’s a-” “Yip!” Duke Somerfell stopped in his pouring.

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Had that been a yes?

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To be on the safe side, he took another glass from the sideboard and filled it half-full.

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It was a Andian Red.

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It was burgundy in the shot glasses,

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and gave off the potent whiff of cherry.

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He turned, holding the half-full glass out in one hand.

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“Now, as the broadsheet said, I’m willing to pay-”

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He stopped. “Seabridge.”

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“Yes, my lord?” “There are kobolds in my solar.” “Yes,

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sir. They are the heroes.”

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The closest kobold reached up

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and retrieved the shot glass from his outstretched hand.

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He pulled his hand back as if he’d been stung.

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The kobold appeared not to notice.

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It ducked its head into the shot glass and inhaled the brandy in a single hissing gulp.

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It handed the glass back,

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and with stunned reflex,

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Duke Somerfell took it.

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“More!” The kobold seemed to hesitate, as if remembering something.

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“Please.” His hands poured another measure of brandy automatically.

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Turning away from the little scaled hellions gave his mind a moment to catch up.

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“Seabridge, I need seasoned adventurers, not…”

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His mouth formed the word

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vermin, but he was too well cultured to let it slip out.

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“Have letter! Here, read!”

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There was the crinkling of paper behind him.

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Seabridge’s neutral voice cut through the silence that followed.

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“It appears, my lord, that these heroes do in fact have a letter that states that they are genuine

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adventurers. Oh my, and it has the royal seal on it.

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It appears to be genuine.”

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“Give it here!” Duke Somerfell stepped over a scaled tail and grabbed the paper from his butler.

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It was an official letter of commendation,

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citing the adventurers bearing it as crusaders of the crown.

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On the bottom was a small splotch of wax,

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and the royal seal embossed into it

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was unique and unmistakable.

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His headache did not improve.

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A duke of his stature didn’t just throw authorized crusaders of the crown out of his manse,

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regardless of their unconventional stature.

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“I… See.” He handed the letter back to one of the kobolds,

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who snatched it from his fingers.

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“Well, I must apologize then.

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I wasn’t aware we had such hardened veterans in our midst.

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midst.” The lead kobold beamed a smile that showed very small and sharp teeth.

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There were four of them.

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None of them even came up as high as his waist.

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The leader—or he assumed it was their leader

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—wore a simple black robe and carried a simple baton at its side.

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Its scales were a dark, royal blue,

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so deep that in the strong light of the solar

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it almost appeared black.

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Behind that was another in hunter’s leathers,

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and to the side were two others that wore shining mail.

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The last two bore a sheathed sword between them,

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too heavy for either one of them to carry alone.

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“Am Kilik! Knights Dak and Tibbit.

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Squire is Pik.” “I, eh, am pleased to make your acquaintance.”

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The duke hesitated.

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How does someone even address kobolds?

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“Well, obviously you’ve read my bounty.”

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The lead kobold’s eyes shifted nervously.

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“Read. Yes. Of course.

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But, say Pik here no good at reading.

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Tell us out loud?”

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There was that strange delay again.

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The one she called Pik

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glowered. “Please?” Duke Somerfell held his hand out again, and the brandy glass disappeared from it.

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Before the lead kobold could dunk its head in again,

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there was a squabble, and the glass sloshed its way over to the kobold in leathers.

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He inhaled it and handed the glass back with a cross-eyed smile.

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“Well, the terms are clear.

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For the safe return of my daughter from the dragon that’s absconded with her,

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I’m offering a parcel of land from my estate, and as much gold in a bag as you can carry.”

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There was conversation between the kobolds in their hissing, clattering tongue.

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Then the lead one looked up at him sharply. “Mount Deek-ik.” Duke Somerfell paused. It took a moment for him to translate.

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Mount Dechic was on the border of his domain.

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In truth, the river that flowed down from its slopes was used as one of the demarcations of his lands.

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It was craggy and heavily wooded.

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Even though it was technically part of his lands,

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no one lived there—at least,

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none of his estates claimed it as farm land.

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“Ye-es. I could see fit to that.”

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It was better than he’d hoped.

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He’d thought he’d have to give away a small but still important part of his lands.

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This, though, was far from his estates

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and virtually meaningless.

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“But first you’ll need to retrieve my daughter.

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You are aware she’s been taken by a dragon.”

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“Yip! Yip. Dragon.

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Yes.” “Large beast with wings?”

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“Big scales. Breathes fire. Yip!”

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“I can’t help but notice.”

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He ventured casually, as if it’d only crossed his mind.

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“That you are very small.”

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“Size not importants!

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Kobolds smart.” “Yes,

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but against a dragon-”

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“Not much smaller than you compared to a dragon, Mr. Duke person.”

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He had to admit it had a point.

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“But those two can’t even hoist their own sword!”

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“No need, yip! They’s mounted cavalry!”

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Duke Somerfell let that ruminate for a moment.

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“They ride a horse?

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Anyway, they still need to hold the sword, even if they’re mounted.”

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“Sword not for them.

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For their mount.” “For their…”

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His butler broke

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in. “They have a minotaur in the stables, my lord.”

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Of course they did.

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Duke Somerfell put thumbs against his sinuses.

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He was going to have cherries with his lunch, too.

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He’d earned it. “Right. Seabridge,

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would you give them maps and…”

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He remembered the part about them not reading very well.

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“Point them in the general direction?”

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“Yip! We gots the mission!”

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There was a hissing cheer from the kobolds that made his head throb.

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His butler buttled them from the solar,

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leaving Duke Somerfell on his own

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with the brandy. He was going to regret this later.

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He was sure of it. -

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“Oh, I do hope he comes soon.

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Do you think he’ll be dashing?

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I’ve read all about how betrothed princes are supposed to be gallant in their suits of shining armor.”

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Would the princess ever shut up?

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Ankomorhigal the green wished she had external ear-holes to cover.

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The stupid human had been going on like that for a whole day, straight. ‘Would

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the prince be this?’ ‘Would the prince do that’? Faugh!

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It was bad protocol to eat the princess before even the first knight showed up,

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but how could it get any worse?

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If she opened her mouth just one more time

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- “Do you know his name?

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His name is Teyvo!

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That’s so exotic!

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Father says his mother is from the western savage lands.”

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Little Miss Somerfell stated matter-of-factly.

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“Just be QUIET!” Ankomorhigal roared.

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She wasn’t good at many things other dragons were good with.

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She couldn’t do magic

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—it was too fiddly.

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She wasn’t an expert flyer, though she muddled along well enough.

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She was, however, particularly good at being

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loud. Making herself heard in capital letters was really her ‘thing’.

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At the thunderous roar, the captive princes broke out into tears and sobs.

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Oh. Well, that’s how it could get worse.

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The human’s wracking cries echoed off of the walls of the dragon horde.

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Then the noise just…

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Stopped. At first, Ankomorhigal thought perhaps the human had died.

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They’re such soft, squishy things.

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It was possible. Oh, if only to dream.

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But then, she got that certain tingle.

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Someone had entered her lair!

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She stood and unfurled her wings.

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She inhaled. It was the prince!

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It was her prey! It was-

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Actually, she coughed out the snort of flame she was about to roast her visitor with,

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no. It was only a couple of kobolds.

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She scowled and lowered her head

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so she could look at them directly.

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They were little lizard-like folks with dark metallic blue scales.

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Must have been from the mountains.

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The kobolds here in the foothills were mostly green and red.

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“What do you want?

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As you can see, I’m a little busy here!”

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She narrowed her eyes at the unwelcome intruders.

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“Who do you represent?”

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“No one, your magnificence!”

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The leader said. “We came because of the human girl.

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girl.” “What of her?” She took a closer look at the lead kobold.

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Female. Clever. She liked clever kobolds.

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She employed a few herself.

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The kobold prostrated herself.

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“The girl’s father hiring mercenaries to find her, oh-mistress-of-the-scales.”

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“Mercenaries? That’s odd.

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I thought it was normal for the king to send his knights to find her.”

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The kobolds squabbled among each other for a moment.

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The leader turned back,

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timidly prostrating herself.

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“Ill news, lady-of-the-sky.

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The girl you’ve captured isn’t king’s daughter.

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Her father a duke. Stupid, small, provincial duke.”

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“WHAT?” The kobolds cringed back from her capital letters.

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She looked at the ‘princess’ again.

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Pink, frilly dress,

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useless and constricting so badly she could barely move.

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Impractical footwear.

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Her cart had carried gems and gold for her horde.

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If not a princess…

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“Girl, give me your tiara.”

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Little Miss Somerfell blinked incoherently,

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but at another roar removed her headpiece.

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The dragon caught it with one claw and swung it up into her mouth.

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Gold, with a hint of…

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No. After just a moment, the taste of gold faded,

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to be replaced with tin and copper.

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She spat the offending decoration from her mouth

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and wailed. “Tin! You’re right,

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she’s a duchess. Oh, what’s the point?”

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Ankomorhigal collapsed on her horde.

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There were thousands of coins (mostly silver)

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and semi-precious stones piled into a comfortable heap beneath her,

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but what was it all worth?

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It was just metal.

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Sure, it was comfortable, but a horde couldn’t buy a mate.

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Princesses, and deep-fried knights,

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now that was what could snare a male.

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Show her strength, show her dominance,

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and any virile dragon would beg to worship her…

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She felt a timid hand on her snout.

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Her eyes snapped open,

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but it was only the female kobold.

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“Don’t despair.” “What would you know of it?”

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She spat. “You’re just a little kobold.

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Your den must have a thousand eligible males.

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I have to entice one from mountains away,

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and here I am with some silly duchess instead of a princess.”

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“True.” The kobold cocked her head to the side.

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“But what you need with a male?

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You right, I am silly little kobold. Stupid silly.

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You are a magnificent dragon.

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Why bother measuring yourself by a male?”

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The dragon squinted her eyes.

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“I do not understand.

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understand.” “Have seen some dragons.

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They come visit our male-dragon back home.

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Maybe not best judge,

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but you gorgeous dragon-ess.

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Not need princess. Not need knights.

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Just need to be yourself.

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Beautiful. Dangerous.

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Deadly. Breath fire.

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Princesses just loud and obnoxious.”

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The kobold was right, there.

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“But still, without a princess

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—without a mate…” “Silly kobold. Is true.

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But maybe you answer own question.

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What you want to be, great-ravager-of-kingdoms?” Ankomorhigal stopped and thought. “I will be a dragon queen! I will rule everything for as far as I can see from the top of my mountain!” “Yes! Beauty! Power! Dominion!

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And, um, stupid kobold not understand.

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How will having male dragon here help you get there?”

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She opened her mouth,

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then closed it again.

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Actually, it wouldn’t.

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Hells, it would make it more difficult, actually.

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Damn! If she had a male, he’d want to take over.

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Then she’d have to fight him,

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and- “No. No! This was a horrible mistake!”

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She cast around for a solution,

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and settled on the kobolds.

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“You! You four.

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Take that useless girl and get her out of here!

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Maybe I’ll be able to salvage this mess yet.”

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The kobold bowed again

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and backed away. The girl and her pointless yammering was removed,

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and the dragon was left in peace.

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Quiet, contemplative peace. There

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were plans to hatch,

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and schemes to scheme,

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and this time they didn’t include stupid princesses

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or ruinous males. -

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It was another horrible day.

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Why, oh why, couldn’t the local habitat more accurately represent just how troublesome the day actually was?

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Duke Somerfell absent-mindedly kicked at a loose cobblestone as he prowled around his sun-filled meditation glade.

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Of course birds were singing in his closely clipped trees,

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and deer were frolicking in his carefully manicured lawns.

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That was the trouble with idyllic summer days.

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They had no concept of the gravity of the Duke’s troubled lifestyle.

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A door opened onto his small enclosed garden,

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and Seabridge stepped in.

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“My lord, your kobolds have returned,

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and I do believe they’ve brought your daughter with them.”

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He paused in his step.

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“Truly?” “Yes, sir. I’ve seen her up to her rooms.

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I’m sorry to say she preferred not to see you in person on her return.”

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“Oh.” He shrugged. “I’m sure my little princess has had a traumatic week.

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Please see that she is well seen-to while I arrange another caravan for her voyage down to-”

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“Ahem!” A loud exclamation erupted from behind the butler’s back. “Ah

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-hah. I do believe the kobolds wish to speak to you, my lord.”

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They did indeed. They scuttled around the attentive butler and crashed into the peaceful glade.

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“Found daughter. Promised payment!”

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“Yes, I did, didn’t I?”

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The duke scowled.

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He was loathe to reward the awful little creatures, but he had his reputation to see to.

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“Well, then, a bag of gold-”

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“Heavy as we can carry!”

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The leader danced on its spindly legs.

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“Heavy as one of you can carry, I do believe the agreement was.”

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“Yup!” Another one, the one she’d called Dak (or was it Tibbit?)

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leaned back against a newly planted birch sapling.

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It bent under the kobold’s weight.

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“Any of our party, yes?”

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“Y-esss.” The duke shrugged.

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“So, which one of you will be the one to carry it?”

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“Martin.” Another one said.

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Martin? Martin wasn’t a very kobold-ish name.

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“Who’s Martin.” “We’ll get him.

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Martin!” There was a crunch as Seabridge was pushed out of the way of the door,

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and a monstrous shape filled the frame, edge to edge.

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The kobold’s minotaur stepped into the glade,

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massive muscles sliding over each other on his massive biceps.

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When he looked closer,

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the duke could see that the musculature was actually sliding over even more muscles beneath it.

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Hell, even his muscles had muscles.

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“Now wait one minute!”

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“Martin important and meaningful part of adventuring party.

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party.” “Thanks boss.” The minotaur rumbled.

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“Don’t let it go to your head.”

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“Yes boss.” “But-” “Agreed! Signed! Contracted!

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Go back and we tell!”

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The kobold waved the crumpled paper in its hands,

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complete with the royal seal adorning its bottom.

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Damn. Damn damn damn.

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“Alright! Fine! Seabridge,

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would you take the minot

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—Sorry, would you take Martin to the treasure and have him hoist bags until we figure out how much gold he can lift?”

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“Of course, my lord.”

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“And land! Promised land!”

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The kobold leader was dancing with its damnable letter.

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“Yes, yes. Some land on the slopes of Mount Dechic.”

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He held his temples.

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It was going to be a difficult night as well.

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“And all ground below!”

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“What, do you plan to mine it?”

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“What we do with land is our business!” “Of course.

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Right. And land beneath it.”

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A contract was written up and a map was consulted.

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Martin returned with two hefty bags,

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straining the fabric at the seams.

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Duke Somerfell scrawled his name to the bottom,

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and the kobold splatted its hand in the ink next to

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it. “Is official! Kobold now own slopes of Mount Deek’ik!”

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“Yes. Yes you do. Now would you please-”

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“All kobold tribe live under Mount Deek’ik.

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Now kobolds own land,

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too!” “Oh? Is your tribe there?

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That’s nice. I-” “Contract signed!

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Kobolds now rulers of own land!

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Declare it kobold nation!

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Declare self queen Kilik of kobold nation!”

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“Wait, that’s not-” “Queen!

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Will send emmisary as soon as we get government set up.

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Expect us. Martin!

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Bring our riches! We have a kingdom to build!”

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Duke Somerfell sat down at the roots of the birch sapling.

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What had he done?

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A kobold nation, right on his front door?

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That was preposterous!

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“Father!” Oh, Little Miss was finally out of her rooms.

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At least some normalcy could resume.

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Duke Somerfell stood and brushed himself off.

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At least his daughter was obedient.

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At least she made sense.

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Then Little Miss stepped into his meditation grove.

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She was decked head to foot in leathers that looked like she’d stolen them from the guard captain.

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On her head was a steel bascinet,

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and glued to it were two antique drinking horns.

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She’d found some blue paint somewhere and marked streaks across her face.

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“Father, I’ve come to a decision.”

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“Little Miss! Go to your room and clean up right now. This is entirely unappropriate

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-” “No!” She wailed.

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“I learned a lot while I was away.”

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The duke reached out to catch his daughter for a sharp spanking,

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but she reached up and caught him instead.

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Her grip was iron.

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It was only then

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that it occurred to him that his daughter was a head taller than he was,

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and significantly broader across the shoulder.

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“Don’t call me Little Miss.

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My name is Angha of the Two-Horns tribe.

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I listened to the kobolds,

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and learned that I don’t need a man to tell me what to do.

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Getting captured was horrible.

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I’m going to learn and practice so it’ll never happen again.”

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She threw him back,

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and he stumbled to his rump in the dirt.

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“Tell that ‘Prince’ person that the engagement is off.

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Well, at least for now.

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I’m going north to learn about my heritage.

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Maybe when I come back he can ask for my hand.”

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Duke Somerfell gawped at her.

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“If, that is, he’s strong enough.

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If he’s worthy.” Little Miss walked into the adjoining solar

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and took the ceremonial sword he had hung above the mantle down.

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It was a good fit for her size.

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Then, without looking back,

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she kicked the front door of the manor open

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and strolled out into the world.

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The duke covered his face in regret.

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It had not been a good day.

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This was “Adventurers”

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by Kandrel, read for you by Khaki,

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your faithful fireside companion.

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You can find more stories on the web at thevoice.dog, or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.

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Thank you for listening

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to The Voice of Dog

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