Shownotes
Introduction
- Topic Introduction [00:53]
Main Topics
- When “We” Becomes “I” [02:05]
- Grieving the Person You Used to Be [04:16]
- Rediscovering the Woman Who Is Still Here [06:45]
- Moving Forward Without Leaving Love Behind [09:06]
- Giving Yourself Permission to Discover What Comes Next [11:03]
- Closing [13:02]
Additional Resources
Transcripts
00:00
until his passing in January:00:38
My mission is to walk beside you as you navigate grief, honor your healing, and rediscover meaning and purpose in the life that continues. You are not alone. This is the Healing Our Grieving Hearts Podcast.
00:53
Welcome and thank you for joining me today! Today we’re exploring a question that many women find themselves asking after the loss of a spouse or soulmate: “Who am I now?” It sounds like a simple question, but after profound loss, the answer can feel surprisingly complicated.
01:13
When we lose someone with whom we shared our life, we lose far more than their physical presence. We may also lose familiar roles, routines, traditions, plans, and even the way we have understood ourselves for many years. Suddenly, we are standing in a life that may look familiar from the outside but feels completely different from within.
01:37
Today, I want to talk about rediscovering yourself after loss, not because you need to reinvent yourself or become someone new, but because grief changes us. The woman you were before your loss is still part of you, and so is the woman who loved your spouse and shared a life with them. Yet there is also a woman emerging, learning to carry that love into a life she never expected to live.
02:05
When you have shared years or decades with someone, your lives naturally become intertwined. You develop your own language, habits, routines, friendships, responsibilities, and traditions as a couple. You may have known exactly who made the coffee, who handled certain bills, what you did on Friday nights, where you went for anniversaries, and which side of the bed belonged to each of you.
02:30
These everyday details become part of the identity of “we.” You may have been someone’s wife, partner, best friend, caregiver, travel companion, sounding board, or the person who knew exactly how they liked their coffee. Those roles were not your entire identity, but they were meaningful parts of the life you created together.
02:53
After your spouse dies, the transition from “we” to “I” can be incredibly disorienting. Even ordinary questions can suddenly feel different, such as what you want for dinner, where you want to go on vacation, or what you want to do with a Saturday afternoon. Decisions that once involved another person now belong to you, and that freedom may initially feel lonelier than liberating.
03:21
You may also notice that other people relate to you differently. Invitations may change, friendships may shift, the social situations that once felt comfortable may suddenly remind you that you are arriving alone. All of this can contribute to the deeper question beneath the grief: “If the life I knew has changed so dramatically, who am I within this new life?”
03:50
There is nothing unusual about asking that question. Losing a spouse can create a profound disruption in identity because our identities are shaped partly through our relationships and experiences. Rediscovering yourself is not a rejection of the life you shared. It is an acknowledgment that you are still here, and your relationship with yourself deserves attention too.
04:16
We often talk about grieving the person who died, but we do not always talk about grieving the person we were before they died. You may miss the woman who laughed more easily, slept more peacefully, made plans without hesitation, or moved through life without constantly thinking about grief. You may even look at photographs of yourself from before your loss and feel as though you are looking at someone you barely recognize.
04:45
Grief can change your priorities, your relationships, your spirituality, your tolerance for certain situations, and even what you consider important. Things that once bothered you may suddenly seem insignificant, while experiences you once took for granted may become precious. You may find yourself becoming more reflective, more compassionate, more protective of your time, or more willing to question whether something truly belongs in your life.
05:16
Some changes may be harder to accept. Perhaps you feel less confident than you once did, or you hesitate to make decisions without your spouse. Maybe you have lost interest in activities you once enjoyed, or you feel uncertain about entering spaces where everyone seems to know exactly where they belong.
05:39
Rather than judging these changes, try becoming curious about them. Ask yourself what grief has revealed about you, what no longer feels authentic, and what qualities within you have become stronger. You don’t have to love every change to acknowledge that you are evolving.
05:57
There can also be grief around dreams from your former life. Retirement plans, travel, growing older together, family traditions, and countless other expectations may have been altered or lost. Part of rediscovering yourself involves grieving those dreams while gradually allowing new possibilities to exist beside them.
06:21
This doesn’t mean replacing one future with another as quickly as possible. It means recognizing that although one version of your future ended, your capacity to experience meaning, connection, purpose, and love did not. You are allowed to take your time discovering what those things might look like now.
06:45
One of the gentlest ways to begin rediscovering yourself is through curiosity. Instead of asking, “What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life?” try asking smaller questions. What feels comforting to me today? What am I interested in now? What gives me energy? And what am I curious enough to explore?
07:09
You may rediscover something you loved before you were married, or you may find yourself drawn to something completely new. Perhaps you return to painting, gardening, music, writing, traveling, volunteering, learning, or spending more time in nature. There is no requirement that these interests lead to a new career, major purpose, or dramatic life transformation.
07:35
Sometimes rediscovery is much quieter than that. It might be choosing a restaurant because it is where you want to eat, rearranging a room because it feels better to you, taking yourself somewhere you have never gone before, or realizing that you enjoy a quiet Sunday morning. Small choices can become powerful reminders that you still have preferences, desires, dreams, and a voice of your own.
08:04
You may also discover strengths you never knew you possessed. Perhaps you have learned to manage responsibilities your spouse once handled, navigate difficult decisions, advocate for yourself, or simply get out of bed on days when grief made that feel almost impossible. These may not be accomplishments you ever wanted to achieve, but they are evidence of your capacity to meet a life you did not choose.
08:30
As you begin noticing these parts of yourself, resist the temptation to decide whether they represent the “new you.” You do not need a label. Allow yourself to explore without immediately turning every discovery into a declaration about who you are supposed to become.
08:50
Rediscovery is not a destination. It is a relationship with yourself that continues to unfold as you heal, grow, remember, and experience life. Some things about you will remain beautifully familiar, while others may surprise you.
09:06
For some widows, the idea of rediscovering themselves can bring an unexpected feeling of guilt. If I begin enjoying my life again, does that mean I am forgetting them? If I discover new interests or create new dreams, does that somehow diminish the life we shared?
09:23
Love does not require you to remain frozen in loss. The life you shared with your spouse is part of you, and nothing you create now can erase what came before. Moving forward and carrying love with you are not opposing choices.
09:42
Your spouse may continue to influence the way you live, love, serve, laugh, celebrate, and make decisions. Perhaps you hear their words when you face a challenge, continue a tradition they loved, support a cause that mattered to them, or tell their stories to people who knew them and people who never had the opportunity. The relationship has changed, but the meaning of that relationship can continue.
10:09
You can also honor your spouse by allowing the love you received to become part of how you live. Perhaps their encouragement helped you become more courageous, their humor taught you not to take everything so seriously, or their kindness shaped the way you care for others. These qualities become part of the legacy you carry forward.
10:33
There may eventually be moments when you experience genuine joy and realize you were not thinking about grief at all. Rather than feeling guilty, consider allowing that moment to be what it is. Joy does not betray grief, and grief does not invalidate joy. You are allowed to hold both. You can deeply miss the person you love and still become interested in your future. You can honor yesterday while wondering about tomorrow.
11:03
You do not need to answer, “Who am I now?” today. In fact, I am not sure it is a question we ever answer only once. Throughout life, we are continually becoming, adapting, learning, releasing, and discovering new dimensions of ourselves.
11:19
What matters is giving yourself permission to ask the question without demanding an immediate answer. You might begin by noticing what feels meaningful, what feels draining, what brings peace, and where you feel even the smallest spark of curiosity. These observations can serve as gentle clues pointing toward the life unfolding.
11:43
You might also reflect on your values. What matters most to you now? Perhaps compassion, freedom, spirituality, creativity, family, service, friendship, adventure, peace, or authenticity has become especially important since your loss.
12:00
When you begin living in closer alignment with those values, purpose often emerges naturally. Purpose does not always arrive as a dramatic calling. Sometimes purpose is simply the decision to live this chapter of your life with greater intention.
12:18
This question of who we become after loss is one I’ve spent a great deal of time exploring through my work with grieving women, and my own experience after losing my husband, Dave. In the weeks ahead, I’ll be sharing something new I’ve created to help widows gently find their direction as they begin discovering what comes next.
12:40
For now, I invite you to resist the pressure to figure everything out. You do not need a five-year plan, a perfectly defined purpose, or certainty about where this path will lead. You simply need enough willingness to take the next step and enough compassion to honor yourself wherever you are today.
13:02
Before we close, take a moment to think about the woman you are right now. Not who you used to be, not who other people expect you to be, and not who you think you should have become by now. Consider the woman who has loved deeply, lost deeply, survived things she never imagined, and is still here discovering what life is asking of her next.
13:31
Our affirmation for today is: “I honor who I have been, embrace who I am becoming, and trust myself to discover what comes next one step at a time.”
13:47
Next week, we’ll continue this conversation with Finding Your Direction When Life No Longer Looks the Same. We’ll explore what happens when the future you expected is no longer the future before you, and how you can begin finding your way forward even when you don’t yet know where you’re going.
14:08
The mission of Healing Our Grieving Hearts is to support women who are navigating life after the loss of a spouse or soulmate, and those who are tenderly companioning their husbands through illness. Through spiritual care, sound and vibration therapies, and reflective practices, I help women find meaning, healing, and renewed purpose.
14:30
For free resources, including tips for coping with grief and rediscovering joy, visit purpose.healingourgrievinghearts.com. You can also connect with me on Facebook at facebook.com/Kay.Fontana.
14:47
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Healing Our Grieving Hearts Podcast. Remember, you are not alone in your grief, and your experiences and emotions are valid. Join me next Saturday at 10 a.m. Arizona time, as we continue exploring the human experience and “Finding Your Direction When Life No Longer Looks the Same.”
15:07
Until next time, may you honor the woman you have been, offer compassion to the woman you are today, and remain open to discovering the beautiful possibilities within the woman you are becoming.
15:21
Take gentle care of yourself, my friend.
