Episode 51: Divorce and Menopause. It's A Thing!

Summary

In this episode of the Better Than Bitter podcast, Tania Leichliter discusses the intersection of menopause and divorce, exploring how the physiological and emotional changes women experience during menopause can impact their relationships. She emphasizes the importance of self-care, support, and taking ownership of one's feelings during this challenging time. Tania encourages listeners to embrace new beginnings and to seek community support as they navigate these life transitions.

Takeaways

• Menopause significantly impacts relationships, especially during divorce.
• Emotional changes during menopause can lead to feelings of disconnection.
• It's essential to understand the physiological changes occurring during menopause.
• Women often face identity crises during midlife, affecting their relationships.
• Support from partners is crucial during the menopausal transition.
• Self-care and community support are vital for navigating divorce and menopause.
• Taking ownership of one's feelings can empower individuals during this time.
• Rediscovering one's authentic self is a key part of the midlife awakening.
• Menopause and divorce can be seen as opportunities for growth.
• It's important to communicate openly about the challenges faced during menopause.

Titles

Navigating Menopause and Divorce: A Journey of Self-Discovery

The Emotional Landscape of Menopause and Its Impact on Relationships

Sound Bites

"You need to support yourself."

"You are at that crossroads."

"You have a brighter future."

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Menopause and Relationships

04:09 The Impact of Menopause on Partnerships

07:08 Navigating Emotional Changes During Menopause

09:33 Understanding Divorce in the Context of Menopause

12:12 The Emotional Equation of Midlife Changes

14:31 Creating a New Identity Post-Divorce

17:08 Transforming Menopause into Opportunity

20:13 Building Supportive Communities

22:39 Embracing New Beginnings

25:40 Reclaiming Power and Peace

31:19 Introduction to Amicable Divorce

32:48 Resources for Support and Growth

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methods, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter, our private Facebook group, our Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

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Welcome to the Better Than Bitter Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter podcast, episode number 51, Divorce and Menopause. It's a thing. I'm Tania Leichliter from Better Than Bitter, and today we are going to be talking

menopause. I recently got back from a trip to New York where I spent a few days with my friends, and we are all in our 50s. And it came up

this idea around menopause. Who is a woman out there who is in their 50s who doesn't talk about menopause when they're with their friends? But what I really didn't realize was that there is such an impact on relationships when individuals, women, are going through menopause and the trials and tribulations or the struggles that are happening both on the individual who's going through the menopause

but also from their partner's perspective, because the person that they married is not the person that is in front of them today when they are going through this crazy time. And if you are a man out

50s who doesn't talk about menopause when they're with their friends? But what I really didn't realize was that there is such an impact on relationships when individuals, women, are going through menopause

And if you are a man out there who's listening, I just have to say that these physiological changes that are going on in women when they are going through menopause are so huge.

and so transformational, not just from the physical perspective where they're stopped menstruating, but all of the physiological effects of that, whether they're mood swings, lack of sleep, the night sweats, the brain fog, the agitation, the lower libido. I mean, the list goes on and on.

And so when we think about all of those changes that women are going through, they of course are going to impact the person that they are in partnership with, the romantic partnership. So how do we really think about divorce and gray divorce when these gray divorce numbers are going crazy right now? There are so many people getting divorced.

in their post-55 years. And so, not that I'm going to be pointing fingers back at menopause, but it is a massive contributing factor. So today we're really going to be talking about it. And I'm calling it the quiet storm. It's this like invisible tension that continues to build because even in perimenopause, before you go through menopause,

You have very specific things that are beginning to creep up on you. These mood swings that you don't even know are happening again, because when you're pre-menopausal versus post-menopausal, it is very different, because post-menopausal, you know that it's already happened to you. But pre-menopausal, you don't actually know what's happening because again, you might still be menstruating.

But you're beginning to have these symptoms. So this emotional disconnection that you begin to feel, which really affects your intimacy with your partner, the silent struggles that you've been going through, because maybe you've got a little bit of brain fog, maybe you've become forgetful,

So, really navigating menopause and really beginning to think about how the divorce process really draws some awareness to, my gosh, you know, my body is going through so many changes, but my mind is going through so many changes. And having a partner that is supportive, that will evolve with you, that begins to believe that you can rebuild together.

is going to create that lasting relationship. But for those who don't have that level of compassion or empathy for their partners during the time that they're going through this, there could be a real level of turmoil, which could result in divorce. So acknowledging these tensions that you might be having and acknowledging that the first step to understanding them ⁓

is to really dive deep into, okay, is this a physiological change that's happening with me that might be causing me to have a different relationship with my spouse? And if so, seeking the help that you need and getting the supportive hormonal therapy or even psychotherapy, because again, going through these changes is very difficult emotionally as well as physically.

So that intersection of peri-menopause and divorce, that's what I really want to talk about. So women often face divorce during this peri-menopausal phase. It's a time when we meet the needs of others versus the unmet needs of ourselves. And when we're trying to

be something that somebody else wants, versus trying to understand what our needs might be. Again, then there's that breakdown and feeling like you might not be fulfilled in this time because you're not getting what you need out of this relationship. So it really could lead to these very difficult, critical life decisions.

How do I feel about this relationship in an unsupported way? And how do I feel about myself at this time? Because I'm evolving and my needs might be different.

So what is this emotional landscape of menopause? Understanding these paramedic pausal effects is really important. You know, they could last several years. I have friends who have been dripping with sweat for several years who haven't been able to think straight, who get agitated and have crazy mood swings, who just feel depressed.

And those things are just potentially physiological effects of menopause. So what do you do? Like, what is it that we can do during this time? Because again, it's a thing that you can't control. It's going to happen. Now, I feel blessed because personally, I didn't have a lot of these physiological effects.

But I have so much compassion for my friends who do. I do believe potentially that I had maybe some brain fog or not being able to work at that same capacity in the same way that I used to work. I used to never have to take notes in a meeting because I'd always be able to remember everything that was being said. Now,

I have to take notes on everything. Not only do I need to take notes on everything, but then I need to transcribe it in ChatGPT. And then I need to read it back over again so I can make sure I understand it. So there's a lot of accommodations that I've been having to do for potentially that bit of brain fog that I might be having, or just a lack of being able to hold on to things in my head that I used to be able to hold on to.

My sleep has definitely been affected. I can't stay asleep like I used to, and I struggle to get that recommended eight hours of sleep a night. So everybody out there who has other things happening, again, the lower libido, potentially the weight gain. I know that so many women who go through this are struggling with that weight gain because...

There's also a physiological effect to stopping getting your period or stopping menstruating because when we menstruate, our body temperature rises, and when our body temperature rises, we burn more calories. So again, you're lacking in that monthly surge of caloric burn that you used to have. So 3,500 calories is a pound. And therefore just that alone on top of

You know, all of the medical reasons for how and where you gain that weight are happening as well. So I have a background in physical fitness, have a master's in exercise physiology, and I have worked a lot with individuals going through menopause. There are definitely diet changes that have to happen. And there's also this cortisol release that's happening when you're not feeling good about yourself.

And that, when you are lacking self-esteem and you might be depressed, again, you're increasing your cortisol release, and that also will put weight on you. And so there are so many factors that are happening all at once. So why divorce, right? Why is divorce happening during this time? Well, you know what? If you're not feeling good about yourself, your self-esteem is lower, your libido has gone down, and you've got brain fog.

You are sweating when it is freezing out. You're not sleeping well. You're agitated. It sounds like a joy to be around, right? And again, it is something that will go away. It doesn't last forever. And so it's really just being able to manage where you are with the right doctors and the right support system.

and being very vulnerable to what is happening with your body, and not being embarrassed to talk about all of these different changes. There are things to be done, and those can be done to help you get through this time. But if you are getting divorced during this time, do not blame yourself for this divorce. You are in partnership with somebody else.

and them wanting to be there with you side by side as just another physiological change that's happening.

And being supportive and open with one another is going to be very important.

want to be solutions-oriented and work together to figure out what can be done during this phase. And if divorce happens,

If that other person isn't there for you to support you through this, well then, in that next chapter of your book that you are going to create for yourself, you will find somebody who is supportive. But the most important thing is that you need to support yourself.

You need to dig deep and not blame yourself during this time. And also, you can't blame somebody else for how you're feeling about yourself because that just gives them all of the power over your emotions. So what is this emotional equation that we're looking to unpack? You know, what is this?

crisis that we are seeing in terms of so many people getting divorced at an older age. Three things are really happening. One, as I said, those hormonal fluctuations. Two is that identity crisis. OK, we've heard it over and over again. Midlife crisis, whether it's a woman, whether it's a man, we begin to have an identity crisis.

And some of it could be tied to the physiological changes that we're going through, maybe the mental stages that we're going through. Maybe it's about being an empty nester, and all of a sudden, we are just in the house with our spouse. So, trying to re-figure out who we are in this process is really important. And the last one is just the communication breakdown. And I talked about that, not having shame is really important.

Feeling shame, like you're a bad person, because you are going through all these things, and you believe that all of these things you are going through are the reason why things are not working out in your marriage. Well, that feeling of failure is only going to create suffering for you. Okay? You are not failing. You haven't failed. When you get divorced, it is not about

being a failure. That is your mindset. There are so many ways that you can re-script divorce and the reasons behind it. Just because you didn't reach till death do us part doesn't mean you are a failure. People get married early, and people are living longer.

Okay, so we have a longer time to be in partnership, and holding on to a partnership that doesn't feel good to you is not a failure. It is not. It is just about turning the page and starting a new chapter. I talk about those old books, the Choose Your Own Adventure books. Do you remember those? Remember those books where you could turn to page 32 to go on this path, or you could turn to page 52 to go down a different path.

So right now you are at that crossroads. You are choosing your own adventure. You can choose to blame the other person for how you are feeling. You can choose to feel like a failure, or you can choose to focus on what your desired outcome is in your future and make sure that you are showing up each and every day to make that result happen. And to show up that way, to act, react, and behave, to take action or not to take action in certain areas of your life, are directly correlated to how you are feeling in the moment. And how you are feeling is correlated to how you are thinking about your life circumstances.

And the one thing we have control over right now, we do not have control over menopause. We don't have control primarily over our hormonal fluctuations. We have control over taking actions around them, but we don't have control over the fact that it's happening. We don't have control potentially over the immediate feeling of Who am I? But we do have control over how we think.

about the Who am I? Is that a bad thing to be thinking about how I am going to rediscover who I am, how I'm going to redesign who I am, authentically me? Or do I sit there and wallow in the, don't feel good, I'm depressed, I don't believe I'm ever gonna find anyone, I've had all these body changes, nobody's gonna want me.

All of those inner dialogues, all of those thoughts, are they producing good feelings so you can act, react, and behave in a way that's going to get you those amazing potential results that you want in your life, that brighter future? You do have a brighter future. You just need to believe that you have a brighter future.

So how do we really create this midlife awakening, this identity evolution? So you want to embrace new beginnings. Like I said, it's a detour. It is another choose-your-own-ending. You know, that arrival time period for you is to rediscover who you authentically are. I have my clients do this exercise. I want you to think about who you were when you were at your finest, when you liked yourself the most, maybe it was in high school, maybe it was in college, maybe it was in your twenties.

Write down all of the traits, the personality traits, maybe even the physical traits. How did you interact with other individuals? So, your social traits, think about all of the things that you loved about yourself in your favorite

of your life. And then think about

those traits and think about when you got married and over the last however many years, how have those traits stuck with you or have some of them dissolved? Have you lost some of your sense of self during this time of marriage? So I want you to think about that. And then I want you to think about all of the amazing things that came about as a result of

getting married, potentially having children, and all of the incredible new traits that you were able to develop that you really think are great and that you love, some of the new you as a result of the marriage. So now we have a list of the old you that you loved and the new you that you loved, and now we are going to merge those.

We are going to merge those, and now we are going to come up with a self-commitment statement, that new vision for you. So part of this midlife awakening, this identity evolution, is you being able to redesign yourself. Okay. Menopause isn't taking over you. You are taking over you, and you are going to take back the reins, and you're going to figure out

how to work within the new confines of this new physical world that you're living in, and you're going to redesign who you want to be. So we think about this in a way that really gives us some clarity around this understanding of the divorce dynamic around this. So, the reasons for these peak divorces are in this gray divorce time period.

Well, one is that, like I said, it's an emotional disconnect. We're not as connected to ourselves. We are feeling that we're having this out-of-body experience. It's very hard to be connected to others. We might not be able to feel the same feelings that we were feeling before because our hormones are also shifting. The other change is in sexual intimacy. Like I said, your libido might be changing. You might not feel as good about yourself.

So those are two different things. One, I might not have the same drive, but I also might not be feeling as good, as sexy, as wanting to be, you know, connected physically to somebody else. Because when you don't feel good about yourself and you haven't accepted the new physical you, it is very hard to stay focused on being able to just feel comfortable with that intimacy.

and to be able to stay free and loving and being able to love yourself, no matter what the physical aspects of this menopause have created for you. The third thing is just the identity crisis, not feeling like you're in your own mind. That mind has kind of drifted. You don't even know whose mind you're managing anymore because that, again, that clarity, the focus.

The articulation that you've felt potentially in your brain before, you feel potentially that that has dissipated. So, becoming very thoughtful and intentional with how to

That so you can begin to build back function and executive function in this new world, which will begin to feel better for you. But again, some of these things really do...

change that partnership. The other partner might've relied on you for that clarity. I know in my house, I was always the one finding everything, absolutely everything, between being a wife and being a mother. Everybody was always asking me, Where's this? Where's that? I was the one managing everybody's calendars, making sure everybody was there on time where they needed to be. But when my brain's not working in that function, there's a lot of finger-pointing.

didn't do this. You didn't do that. Where's your head? My gosh, Mom. I don't know where you've been. You're so scattered. This is not you. Yeah, yeah, you're right. This is not me. I'm functioning in a new environment.

I have to learn how to create tools for myself to be able to work and function at the same level as I did before.

The cost of going through this is that we are having to deal with all these different things. So again, the reasons why this is like a time that we're seeing more and more divorces are that. You know, partnerships just change, and you have to be able to change with them, and not everybody can.

So how can we transform menopause into an opportunity? So I want to invite everybody out there to rebuild together. And that means that normalizing these conversations with feelings and challenges, even amongst all divorced people, men and women, being able to come together in a community, being able to share stories on what's happening in your divorce, but also what's happening with you in the process because you're managing you and you're managing a divorce and how can you create opportunity for it?

Well, you can create an opportunity by making new connections with people who are going through exactly the same thing as you are. Their struggles might be a little different, but they're very aligned from a time-of-life perspective. So being able to prioritize self-care in this time is so important.

Making sure that you're part of your self-care plan is building connections with others, finding other individuals who are going through a divorce, and potentially going through these psychological changes. And right now I am talking about menopause, but there's a lot of men out there who are going through their own physiological changes and not feeling good, potentially about their own sexual intimacy and what's happening with their body and their libido.

And again, there's so much overlap, yet we look at it very differently. And I do say that, you know, not as many men, they're not sweating in the middle of the night, dripping with sweat because, you know, they're having a hot flash. But, you know, we have to have compassion for both sides. And so redefining intimacy for yourself, redefining intimacy for a partnership,

Again, making sure you're getting the medical support that you need because the medical support is out there. There are so many different ways that you can support your hormonal imbalances in a way that it won't affect your libido and that you can have a good sexual post-divorce life and that you don't reflect...

on where you were in your marriage to define how you are going to be moving forward. So there is another world out there. You just need to get the support. So four different ways that we can really grow together. One is talk. Talk amongst us, right? And at Better Than Bitter, we have support groups that meet four times a week, not specifically about menopause, but about divorce and post-divorce.

We welcome all of you to come and participate in our support group. Again, you're talking it out. You're getting that community support, and that you're taking care of yourself, your mind, your body, and you are prioritizing yourself right now because until you can build back that authentic self that I just talked about, then going through that divorce process,

It is going to be very hard because you are going to need courage, you're going to need strength, and you're going to need hope. And you're going to need to take care of yourself in order to get those things and to stop playing victim and pointing fingers back at another individual, saying that they're making you feel this way. You need to take back your power. Nobody deserves to take that power away from you. But the first step is taking out

The fact that you're acting like a victim. So, victim blaming, excuses, and denial as to why the marriage broke down. Take accountability, responsibility, and ownership, not for the divorce itself, but for how you're showing up for yourself, how you're showing up for your family, and take that ownership back. Because again, if you are not feeling good about yourself,

Don't blame anybody else. Take responsibility, take ownership, and take accountability for how you're feeling about yourself. Go and take action. And in our support groups, we talk all about ways we can do that, about how to gain community, how to make new connections, how to really focus on self-care, techniques that you can be doing, all sorts of daily work.

You should be immersing yourself in right now in this divorce process right now. Because divorces, if you are in the thick of it, being able to process some of these emotional divorce before you step into the full legal divorce is going to cost you less money and reduce the likelihood of long-lasting trauma for you and for your children. So that is what we are hoping for.

The last one, the fourth one, is just embracing these new beginnings and embracing them together. Again, come and join us in our support group. We really do have an incredible group that comes together to support one another, to support the wins that we're having in our lives, whether it is making the hard decisions on how you're going to divide the assets and taking that first step to do something that you absolutely didn't believe.

that you were gonna do. Maybe you thought at the beginning of your divorce that you absolutely wanted the house, and you couldn't imagine your life without living in the family home. But then, as we began to explore other options, you decided that, you know what, being house poor isn't gonna make me happy. And then I was able to potentially find an incredible new place to live that has great amenities and that my kids really like.

The space, and there might be a pool, and maybe it's a smaller apartment, but I have my own space here. And if I'm going through menopause and I'm going through that physical space, I have time to take care of myself. I have time to breathe. I have time to understand that all of my money and energy isn't going into a financial drain. So all of these ways we can embrace new beginnings together and make the tough decisions together.

You are going to have a brighter future. I know you will, but you have to believe you are going to have a brighter future. Because if you don't believe, then what you are creating is a situation where you're not going to have a brighter future. So menopause and divorce, yes, it is a thing. It is absolutely a thing. But we don't want to blame menopause on our divorce.

We don't want to blame the divorce on our menopause. That is taking way too much responsibility for a long breakdown of a relationship. Things don't break down overnight. They break down in stages. And yes, menopause is a stage. Midlife crisis, those are stages. know, physiological changes, illnesses that are happening.

are all things that are happening to us in our lives that sometimes we can't control, but we can control how we look forward to the future and that we manifest our desired outcome, that we get clarity around what we want, and we stay focused on showing up each and every day in a way that's going to produce that result.

I want everyone to reclaim their peace, reclaim their power. Definitely check out the show notes and go to the Better Than Bitter Divorce podcast to get more information.

and join our Better Than Bitter support group. We are offering a free trial to anybody who wants to be part of our community. Go ahead and check out the show notes or go to betterthanbitter.coach. to sign up for a free

I really appreciate all of you tuning in to the Better Than Bitter.

podcast today. Please subscribe. The more subscribers we have, the more attention we can bring to having a more amicable divorce resolution. And I will be absolutely building out a deeper library of menopause specific experts so you can continue to listen in, continue

learn, and continue to manage what I know could be

a transformational opportunity for you to build yourself back better than before. Tuning out, this is Tania Leichliter CEO and founder of Better Than Bitter.

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses, and how to connect with our fabulous guests.

If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach. Daily, you'll find details and additional information on our five-step game plan multimedia course, our one-to-one Zoom coaching, group coaching, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter,

our private Facebook group, Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.