Let’s talk self-talk for a minute. Executive coach and investor, Micah Baldwin, joins Dr. Emily in this Emotional Push-Up to discuss how to summon some self-compassion to have a conversation with our tough inner critic. Grab a pen, some paper, and a tissue - this one will be a heavy lift. 

Thank you for listening! Staying emotionally fit takes work and repetition. That's why the Emotionally Fit podcast with psychologist Dr. Emily Anhalt delivers short, actionable Emotional Push-Ups every Monday and Thursday to help you build a better practice of mental health. Join us to kickstart your emotional fitness. Let's flex those feels and do some reps together!

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The Emotionally Fit podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health. Katie Sunku Wood is the show’s producer from StudioPod Media with additional editing and sound design by nodalab, and featuring music by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew!

Ready to break an emotional sweat? Welcome to Emotionally Fit with me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. As a therapist, I know that staying mentally healthy takes work and repetition. That's why I'll share Emotional Push-ups, short, actionable exercises to help you strengthen your mental fitness. From improving your friendships to managing stress, let's flex those feels and do some reps together! Hey, there Fit Fans! I am here today with Micah Baldwin, executive coach and investor, turned friend of mine. Micah, thank you so much for joining me today.

Thanks, Emily. I'm excited to be here.

I'm really glad you're here. And I'm curious, Micah, how good are you at having compassion for yourself when you make a mistake or when things aren't going your way? How do you talk to yourself? Is your inner critic harsh during these moments? What does that usually sound like?

Yeah. I think my inner critic is definitely harsh. I think that I've gotten better at listening to my inner cheerleader as well. And so, those two sort of battle and every once in a while the cheerleader comes out in the end.

Oh, that's nice. It makes sense. And I imagine is a product of a lot of hard work to bring the cheerleader to the stage.

Little bit. Yeah.

Well, I'm with you on that one. And my question for you is when you think of the way the inner critic talks, would you ever talk to a young child who you care about the way you talk to yourself?

Oh, no, never. Although I do think to some degree, the inner critic is very much like how my parents spoke to me as a kid.

Right. Certainly that is how it tends to go. But if you had some cool kid that you like a lot coming around and made a mistake, would you ever talk to that kid the way you talk to yourself?

No, never.

Yeah. Okay. Well, that's exactly what we're talking about today, which is the way we tend to distance ourselves from our younger selves. And without realizing it, we'll blame our younger selves and forget that that sweet child we used to be was doing the best they could with a very limited set of choices. I think ultimately we're just all kids in adult armor, and need to cut ourselves a little slack. Curious what you think about this idea?

I think it's very true. I mean, I've done a lot of work recently that has kicked up the dust of childhood to realize that the things I learned when I was five are the things I do when I'm 50.

Yeah, absolutely. And I love your point that sometimes that harsh voice inside our mind is not always actually our voice. It's the voice of people we've heard in our past and have gotten kind of encoded as our own. So, I think that will be very relevant today for our pushup, which is all about extending some compassion to our younger selves. So, step one of this pushup, Micah, is to imagine yourself as a young kid, pick an age that feels a little tender for you, maybe a year where you remember yourself misbehaving or causing trouble, or maybe a year when you remember feeling sad or lonely. For me, I think about being seven, that was a tough year for me. And spend some time reflecting on how you treat that version of yourself, how you talk to that part of yourself. Are you hard on them? Are you blaming? Are you unkind? So, for those listening in, go ahead and press pause while you think about that or listen on to hear what Micah chooses. So, Micah, what age did you pick for yourself and why? If you're willing to share a bit.

Yeah, five. I would say there are probably multiple ages I could select if we're talking about me being a pain in the ass, but five was a distinct year for me. My mother remarried when I was five. And I remember my stepdad, now adoptive dad, sitting me down at the table and asking me if it was okay if he married my mother. And all the feelings that kind of came up from that period and from that moment of going from being the only man in the house to being the person that now is all of a sudden minimized. And kind of realizing that I needed to do more for attention and really just kind of questioning who I was. And that's probably the most vivid memory I have as a kid.

Thank you so much for sharing that. Which leads us to step two of this push up, which is to actually imagine this kid sitting next to you as though they are a separate person. And imagine this little five year old Micah sitting next to you, telling you what it is that they're going through, what was hard for them about this time of life and how they feel about it. And for those listening in, if this is a particularly traumatizing time for you, this could feel overwhelming and it might be an exercise to do in therapy or with someone you love and trust, but the goal here is to allow yourself to be in touch with your younger self. So, Micah, when you imagine this little five year old self sitting next to you, telling you about his life, what is it like? What does it feel like?

Yeah. I think it's certainly emotional as I dive into it and think about it. It certainly was a time when many of the beliefs that I've been working to get rid of as I've gotten older sort of began and certainly fed into some of the core beliefs around, I think, questioning whether... It's weird when you're a kid of three or four and it's you and your mom and you feel like you're enough for her, but clearly you're not because she found a partner, or that your love wasn't enough or that you weren't loved enough. So, I think those feelings of am I lovable and am I good enough really started to crop up then and sort of drove many of the things I've done for the rest of my life.

Oh, I feel like I can feel such empathy for this five year old sitting next to you, saying, "I'm not enough. I'm not lovable enough. And that's why this is happening," and really feeling that. And that is absolutely the point of the final step of our pushup, which is to summon some compassion for that version of yourself, to think about what kind of love and care you would extend to a child you care about deeply if they were sitting next to you, telling you these things. And for those who are up for it, I want you to consider writing a short letter to this version of yourself. And I know that this might feel a little ick to some people, but if you're finding yourself having a reaction to this one, consider that that reaction might be a defense against connecting with that vulnerable part of yourself.

The letter doesn't have to be super long. It doesn't even have to be written if you just want to speak it out loud, but the goal is to channel some compassion for that kid and to let them know that they will get through this tough time, that some of these things they worry about might not actually end up being true and that you're proud of them for doing the best they could. So, press pause again while you do this, or keep listening to hear from Micah. So, Micah, how did it feel for you to do this? Were there things that popped up for you as you thought about how you might talk to this five year old self?

I definitely thought a lot about it and it was much more emotional than I expected. When I think back about that time, all I remember is the happiness that there was going to be... This guy asked me if it was okay if he married my mom and I was going to have a father and all these things. My biological father wasn't in the picture. But the more I thought about it, the more I just realized that there was a lot of angst at that time and a lot of worry and anxiety. And then a lot of my sort of feelings of where do I fit. Now, all of a sudden this is not just me and my mom, it's me and this other guy. So, a lot of what I did was think through indicators that those thoughts, while valid, weren't true. Right? It wasn't about me being pushed out.

It was about me expanding the people that could love me. Right now, there was two people that were doing it rather than one. And so, I talked a lot about that to myself. And I thought a lot about when I look back on myself at five, how much of an influence that man had on who I am as a person and drove me to believe that kindness drives everything and thoughtfulness drives everything because that's how he treated me as I grew up. And that I told myself that while it may not seem like it today, over time, you'll become the person you want to be, in part because of this moment.

Man, you've hit me right in the feels. Imagine a five year old getting told that, because most five year olds don't think to go to adults and say, "Here's where I'm at." And most adults aren't able to hear those kinds of things super well. And so, if someone had been able to say, "Hey, actually, your worries totally make sense, but I'm here to tell you that they're not all so true and that it is going to be okay, and that your love will be expanded, not minimized. And I've got you." How powerful of an experience that is. And the whole point of this is we can still have a piece of that because that five year old still lives within you and is still listening to this conversation that you're having. So, how did it feel overall to do this pushup?

Cathartic was the word that came first to mind, but also I think empowering in a sense, and the bigger word is a sense of forgiveness. Right? Like I could sort of forgive myself for choices that I've made throughout my life and sort of where they've come from and realizing that they aren't all because I was a bad person, but because we all become who we are from where we come from.

Absolutely. I had the same feeling. The first time I ever did this exercise of really imagining my child self separate from me, I did this in therapy and I remember just bursting into tears, having this profound realization of, "I treat this kid so different than I would if it were an actual, separate being. And why do I do that? And how come I can't extend that same compassion as I would to a loved one?" So yeah, I had the same cathartic experience. And I just so appreciate you being willing to flex your feels and break an emotional sweat with me today. This was a vulnerable one. And Micah, you felt like the perfect person, because we've always had such delightful, deep, thoughtful conversations. And I really appreciate you leading the way and showing people, listening, that you can really go there.

Well, I appreciate you for doing these. I think they're super important.

Thank you so much, Micah. I hope you have a beautiful day.

Thank you, you too.

Thanks for listening to Emotionally Fit hosted by me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. Did you do today's pushup alongside me and my guest? Tweet your experience with the hashtag #EmotionallyFit and follow me at @DrEmilyAnhalt. Please rate, review, follow and share the show wherever you listen to podcasts. This podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health, where you can take live, therapist-led classes online. From group sessions to therapist matchmaking, Coa will help you build your emotional fitness routine. Head to joincoa.com, that's join-c-o-a.com, to learn more. And follow us on Twitter and Instagram at @joinCoa. From StudioPod Media in San Francisco, our producer is Katie Sunku Wood. Music is by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew!