Hey babes, ready to dive headfirst into the whirlwind world of wild nights, regrettable decisions, and the road to redemption? This episode of Pissy But Pretty is a no-holds-barred journey where Heather and Emily scoop the dirt on their riotous pasts full of drinks, drama, and deliciously bad choices because let's be real, who doesn't love a little chaos with their morning coffee?

These once-upon-a-time party queens spin tales of their escapades with a cheeky blend of humor and brutal honesty. From the battle with booze and boys to finding hope amidst the hangovers, it’s a candid look at how past poor choices don't have to define you. Inspired yet? Here's the kicker: How do you turn being the life of the party into the life you've always wanted?

Tune in and listen as our hosts, with their mics and moxie, break down life's lessons like it's brunch therapy. Be prepared to laugh, cringe, and maybe even shed a tear (if that’s your thing). You won't just hear stories; you’ll gain insights on reclaiming your narrative, one cuss word at a time.

Episode Highlights:

10:46 - And we thought we were Coyote Ugly dancing on the bar. And I don't know, in my head, this is how it went. We are dancing on the bar, and Emily dances herself right off the bar. And I feel like everything went quiet. Like, the music stopped, and all of a sudden everyone's like, [gasps] and you just stood up. Two beer bottles. You didn't even spill them. I have never been more proud of you in my life.

12:29 - Black eyes, bleeding, bloody, I remember the pictures you used to send me, like, the next day. And I'd be like, when the hell did that happen? But we never stopped drinking, at least I never did, and the party kept going. We would separate, and I think we would still keep partying. And we would get those pictures of busted hands, broken bones, bruises that we didn't know where they came from.

16:46 - For instance, when I was, like, freshman or sophomore, I remember this guy asking me out, and he was, like, a big baseball stud. My dad was really into baseball. So when I told him that this senior had asked me out, my dad was so excited because this big baseball star had asked me out. And he's like, "You wanna come over to my parents' house and we'll watch a movie?" I'm like, "Yep. Anything but a scary movie." Dude rented Hand That Rocks the Cradle, probably from the Blockbuster.

Disclaimer:

Pissy but Pretty is all about real talk—raw, unfiltered, and sometimes messy. We tackle tough topics with honesty and humor, but we know that some conversations can hit deep.

If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual abuse or addiction, help is available:

📞 National Sexual Assault Hotline – 800-656-HOPE (4673)

📞 Substance Abuse & Mental Health Helpline – 800-662-HELP (4357)

You’re not alone—support is just a call away.

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I would act a fool and I would make up stories.

Oh, my God.

You can't believe a word I say when I'm drunk.

I don't.

I don't know.

I think I am.

I couldn't tell you a damn thing.

Hello and welcome to Pissy But Pretty, a show about hindsight, hope, tangents and cuss words.

We are your hosts.

Party tricks turned.

Semi responsible women.

I am your host, Heather Cairns and Emily Baggen.

Pissy but pretty.

Episode 69.

Oh, no.

Oops, we met.

Episode 7, dinner for two.

Terrible view.

We're not.

Can you imagine if we have 69 episodes, people?

I'm gonna celebrate.

I'm gonna dress up for that.

I don't think people like us that much.

Oh, I don't care.

Yeah, I still just want to talk about it.

I have a microphone.

I can do what I want.

Yeah, that's true.

Listen to me.

I'm important.

I got a microphone and business cards.

Moving on.

We're.

Oh, yeah, now we're going into.

Well, we'll talk about our party days, but we'll talk about food addiction.

So with my large self.

Large and in charge.

In charge, Marge.

So I think I started letting myself get super duper duper bad after I got married.

I was 30.

My husband was 36.

We had a rough go of it.

The first four years were kind of like the years we always say, if we could make it through that, we can make it through anything.

So.

You were not there.

I can't even get over that.

Isn't that weird?

I was an addict.

I was an addict at that point.

It's all right, Becca.

Oh, no.

Becca was gonna be there, but she texted me the night before anyways, so we.

I know.

Follow my brain.

Follow my brain, will you?

Okay, so.

And we found out, like, two months after we got married.

My parents sat us all down, the five of us kids, our spouses or significant others at the time, and told us that in May, the month before we had gotten married, that my dad had been diagnosed with als.

He had been slurring his words a lot, and he just always said, like, his tongue felt thick.

And I remember him, like, saying that he didn't want to give a speech at the wedding because he didn't want people to think he was really drunk because of the way he was talking.

And, like, you could understand him if you knew him well, but he was afraid people wouldn't be able to understand him.

So he had Thought, or my mom had thought he possibly had a stroke.

So they took him in the month before our wedding and ended up not being a stroke, diagnosing him with als.

And they wanted to wait till after we got married to tell us, which I appreciate.

And then two months after his, they told us about his diagnosis or it might have been the month later.

Anyways, my mother in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

So my husband and I decided at the time we were going to wait to try to have kids.

But let's do this while our parents are still here and whatever.

We ended up having a tough time conceiving.

Never thought we would.

My husband had two girls already, so it just was what it was.

And so after about two years of trying, we started going to see a fertility doctor.

All of that good stuff.

Finally we get pregnant.

We decided though in doing this because it's so flipping expensive in Wisconsin at the time was one of five states that didn't require their insurance to cover.

Oh hey, yeah, infertility.

So we had decided it was so important to us that we were going to spend our savings in trying to get pregnant.

Yeah.

So expensive.

So unfortunately, when I was five months pregnant, my mother in law lost her battle with pancreatic cancer.

Then my dad passed away when Parker was 10 months old.

So they got to meet.

It was awesome.

We have lots of pictures of him sitting on my dad's lap as a baby, rolling him around in the wheelchair.

So, so cute.

Then two devastating diseases, devastating losses.

Yeah.

With good stuff happening in between.

Yeah.

Right.

It was an emotional roller coaster for sure.

That's a lot.

But then while all of this was going on, economy took a crash.

All of that.

My husband lost his job.

Yeah.

And here we were, new house, pregnant.

I was two weeks pregnant.

Found out I was pregnant.

Two weeks later, my husband loses his job.

Jesus.

It kind of ended up being a blessing in disguise.

His dad had passed away when he was 15.

Yeah.

So.

And he's an only child.

He was able to stay with his mom while she was on hospice.

So.

Because he lost his job.

Because he lost his job.

Got it.

So.

So little silver lining was he was able to be there with her.

I was still working, but I had just started renting a chair.

So I was still trying to get my business up and running.

And unfortunately we ended up losing our home, going on food stamps.

I mean, as I'm pregnant, as all of this is happening, actually I think we ended up losing our home after Parker was born.

Because it takes a while for Them to take it from you.

But, you know, had we known Digger was going to lose his job, would we have spent our savings on fertility treatments?

Heck, no.

But we also wouldn't have our son.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So it's like, okay, everything does happen for a reason.

It ends up working out.

But I think in all of that, the constant disappointment, the loss of my dad, the loss of my mother in law, the loss of money, the loss of our home, the eating became unreal, the drinking became unreal.

We would find comfort in just like, we had this road together, but we also, like, found comfort in food.

He got bigger than ever.

He was drinking more than ever.

He also is a very social person.

Yeah, he is.

And together we would go out and be like, you know, have a couple drinks and then we never wanted to go home.

Right.

We loved a good party.

Yeah.

So.

Yeah.

Even if it wasn't that good of a party.

Yeah.

You guys party like it was.

Yeah.

We made it good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So then, you know, like.

And I remember like being like, oh, I'm gonna go on a diet.

And then I could really go for some ice cream.

Yeah.

He'd be like, oh, where do you want?

I'll go get it.

Right.

And that's such a catch 22 for a man.

Right.

Like, you're not supposed to let me have ice cream, but if you were to deny me too.

What are you saying?

I'm fat?

Yeah.

Right.

So, yeah.

The constant feeling worthless, the constant disappointment, the just hard situation.

Life was at that time.

I let my weight go, I let my drinking go.

I mean, holy crap.

Yeah.

So I feel like that's when I became the worst of the worst.

Yep.

And I remember seeing him when you came home from the hospital and the.

Four of us, you and your husband, me and now my husband became very close and we drank these bars dry.

Oh, do you remember ordering shots?

My dear friend Tori.

Tori, I love you.

She's so patient.

Yes, she is.

She.

I remember we were out one night, so hammered.

Yeah.

And I said, tori, we need some fireball shots.

She goes, what's wrong with the ones in front of you?

Right?

They were lined up.

Just lined, lined up.

Oh, my God, that was such a fun night.

And your poor husband had to get on a flight to Belgium the next day.

How he did that?

That's because he's younger.

And I broke my thumb.

Oh, yeah.

He's younger than.

Oh, yeah, you woke up with crazy bruises.

I fell again.

Yeah, I fell again.

Yeah.

I busted my thumb.

It's never been the same.

You got a trigger finger?

I can't even hitchhike.

Ridiculous.

Nobody wants to pick you up.

Yeah, I would.

I would.

You fucking would.

Do you have a car seat in there for me?

I do.

Five point harness.

Yeah.

You need one.

It's the height, not the weight, right?

Mm.

But, yeah, we would.

So our.

Like, our partying days.

Our part.

Can I.

Have I told my favorite Emily story?

Have you told that?

I don't.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't think you have.

Maybe you have.

Pour some sugar on me.

We were.

Oh, my God.

My favorite Emily story.

We weren't married young, 20s.

We were at the bar.

Yeah.

It was one of my visits back to Oconomowoc.

Yeah.

One of my visits.

And we thought we were coyote ugly.

I was dancing on the bar, and I don't know, in my head, this is how it went.

We are dancing on the bar, and Emily dances herself right off the bar.

I did.

And I feel like everything went quiet.

It was crickets.

Like, the music stopped.

And all of a sudden, everyone's like.

And you just stood up.

Oh, no.

I had two beers.

Two beer bottles.

You didn't even spill them.

I have not been more proud of you in my life.

It was a long way for me to fall.

Oh, my gosh.

It was a bar, and we were doing Def Leppard.

Pour some sugar on me.

And I'm just like, ah, soup.

I landed on my knees.

Somebody tried to touch my armpits and pick me up.

And it was so soft.

It wasn't my face.

No.

I had to protect my beard.

Oh, my God.

I did it.

It was amazing.

And I looked at Rebecca, and I'm like, I'm fucking mortified.

She's like, ha ha ha.

And that was.

Was like.

That was just Emily.

That was just Emily.

Yeah, I fell down a lot.

Yeah, but at least you didn't break your moneymaker.

When I would fall, I remembered I had hands to catch my hands.

Timber.

Timber.

Right?

Yeah.

Fell right.

Going out the bar once.

Had road rash all over my face.

Busted teeth.

Busted my teeth up.

Had to get.

You looked like Lloyd Christmas.

Oh, my God.

At least I didn't lose any.

But I did have to get a crown.

I had a bunch of cracks in my teeth.

Oh, God, why didn't I remember?

I.

Black eyes, bleeding bloody.

I remember the pictures you used to send me, like, the next day, and I'd be like, when the hell did that happen?

But we never stopped drinking.

At least I never did.

And it just.

The party kept going.

And we would separate and I think we would still keep partying.

And we would get those pictures of busted hands, broken bones, bruises that we didn't know where they came from.

Oh, God, no.

I remember finding pictures in my phone the next day.

And we were having so much fun.

So much fun.

Until the next day and hangxiety set in.

Four day hangovers.

The stress and the.

What did I do?

What did I say?

Yep.

You know how they say the truth comes out when you're drunk?

Sure, for me that might have been true up into a point.

But then I would make shit up.

I would act a fool and I would make up stories.

I love that.

Oh my God.

You can't believe a word I say when I'm drunk.

I don't know.

I think I am.

I couldn't tell you a damn thing.

I thought it was very funny.

I thought it was really funny.

But I always, always forgot that I was with someone.

My friends.

I would forget that I was in a relationship.

I think that was sort of.

That was a huge pattern for me.

Sex was an addiction as well.

Because I felt so in control.

I did what I wanted with my body.

So it was.

I was not a good, faithful person.

Back when I was drinking, I was a mess.

I was a mess.

Well.

And Digger would always say.

My husband, if I haven't said that before, Kevin, he would always say I would get so flirty when I was drunk.

And I think.

Cause that was always just the old me seeking for attention from anyone or everyone that would get right.

So, yeah, I could be so disrespectful.

And we would be so mean to our poor husbands.

Yes.

It got to the point where Rick, my husband, would know exactly what I was gonna say, what I was gonna start accusing him of on the ride home, you know, because that's what drunks are.

I mean, addicts, I suppose, to an extent, and I mean this with the utmost respect, are a little pathetic.

They're a little.

Woe is me.

It's always somebody else's fault.

There's some shit you've got to blame.

I can't look inside myself and face what's going on.

Because that motherfucker is ugly.

And I'm going to blame you.

And it's going to be you, it's going to be my friend.

I'm going to project her onto you.

Everybody, it was everybody else's fault that I was a Mess.

It was horrible.

It was horrible.

You have to take that accountability.

And I think that is the reason why that cycle for both of us lasted so, so much longer.

You've gotta face it head on and you gotta beat the shit out of it.

And I don't like that, Heather.

I don't like the things I used to do.

It's embarrassing, it's gross, it's mean.

It's literally like.

I think now, I mean, and Digger will even say this for me, having sex was a drunk thing.

Oh, of course.

I never had sex sober.

I know.

I never once in my life, until I was pregnant with my child at 30 years old had I ever had sex sober.

Yeah, I could probably.

I think there are two men, one of which being my husband, that I have had sex with sober.

And that's crazy sad because we've got sexual problems.

I mean.

I mean, back in the day, you were raped.

This was horrific.

This was horrible.

I was molested.

It was something violating and awful with something that's supposed to be so wonderful and natural.

So I couldn't.

I didn't know how even.

Right.

Well.

And my relationship with men has always been horrible.

Like my very popular.

Yeah, right.

Like I just feel like it started for instance when I was like freshman or sophomore.

I remember this guy asking me out and he was like a big baseball stud.

My dad was really into baseball.

So when I told him that this senior had asked me out, my dad was so excited.

Cause this big baseball star had asked me out and he's like, you want to come over to my parents house and we'll watch a movie?

And like, yep, anything but a scary movie.

Dude rented Hand that Rocks the Cradle probably from the Blockbuster Family Dollar.

Family video.

Family video.

And we're in.

I don't know.

Is it scary?

Hand the Rocks Cradle.

You've never seen it?

Rebecca De Mornay?

No.

Oh my God, it's so good.

Okay.

So good.

You gotta see it.

Scary, but yeah, scary.

And I remember we're in his parents basement and we're like having a makeout sesh.

And I'm like, straight out of St.

Paul's.

Yeah.

And I'm like straight out of St.

Paul's and he tries going up my shirt.

I stop him and he immediately turns off the TV and is like, I'm taking you home now.

Oopsies.

And that was that.

And then I remember going to a school dance with a friend of mine.

Him and I went to St.

Paul's together and he ditched me at the dance.

We Were on a double date with my friend, and her boyfriend ditched me at the dance for a girl that he liked.

Which, fine, we weren't.

I wasn't interested in him.

He was interested in this other girl.

But you ditched me.

Right?

So we tried ditching him, Leaving the dance and walking to my friend's house to go hang out.

Well, he comes running out.

He's like, heather, you can't leave me.

Our moms would be so mad.

So he comes back to her.

My friend's house.

And then he tries making out with me and stuff.

Like, right after that, I don't know if he thought he was gonna get busy, but, like, you couldn't give me any attention at the dance in public.

And now that we're not there, like, gross.

And then.

That's hilarious.

I was the yes.

I was the yes girl.

And I thought it was empowering.

I thought it was.

Is.

This is my choice?

So I never said no.

Oh, my God.

And I.

I thought it was the shit.

And I thought that made me so powerful to be in control of my sexuality with people.

So, I mean, obviously I never said no.

It was disgusting.

I preferred the one night stands to be men that were married.

There's the shower and there's the towel.

Get out of my house.

When in reality it is the exact opposite.

Yeah, you are a doormat.

Ugh.

Yeah, I was a doormat.

And I just feel like.

Yeah.

Like, I always, like, then I always just thought you were wanting something from me.

I was, like, seeing a guy my senior year of high school.

He tried to have sex with me.

I wouldn't have sex with him.

And then he, like, didn't want to talk to me anymore either.

And I went up to college and I remember this guy.

This was really dumb.

Girls don't do this at a house party.

This guy I didn't know offers to walk me home.

He was like, friends of friends.

Sure.

He walked me back to the dorm, and the next day we had sex.

Okay.

He had told everyone that we had had sex.

And I was like, well, that didn't happen because I'm still a virgin.

And I remember putting him in his place at another house party.

I went up to him to respect, like, can I talk to you outside?

Pull them outside.

And I'm like, what are you telling people?

Why are you telling people that?

You know, that didn't happen.

That girl.

Oh, I was gonna.

It's like a sitcom show.

Oh, my.

There's always punky Brewster dating a man or dating a boy.

And he told her, I don't want to be punky.

No, you don't.

But I was like, what?

Yeah, okay.

She was so cool.

Yeah.

But I was like, what are you doing?

Like, you know, that didn't happen.

And he tried to punk me, actually, by walking in and.

Cause he was like, I'm really sorry.

I don't know why I said that.

But then as we're walking in, he starts, like, yelling at me.

What I didn't know was, like, my close guy friends were, like, watching out the window, and they were like, oh, no, no, no.

Don't you come in here acting a fool when Heather just had you making snow, Ang.

And so, like, I just always felt like guys only wanted one thing from me.

They did.

And I hated that feeling.

Oh.

And so I loved it then.

And I think.

I don't know why.

Like, I wasn't gonna let you have that.

I wasn't gonna let you win.

I wasn't gonna let you win my badge.

I did.

I gave it to everybody.

Maybe that's why we fell out of touch.

You just wouldn't put out.

Well, if you would have asked, you know, all you gotta do is ask.

I never did.

I never did.

But, yeah, like, I just, you know.

So I think when I got drunk, then.

Then I was like, well, maybe this guy.

If I finally give them what I know they want, maybe this will work.

And it was always like, ugh, hurry up and get dressed and let me go home.

Oh, I was the best at it.

Oh, God.

I would be like.

At least I think I was.

Really?

No, but it was like, something about the sober sex.

It would turn you into an acrobat and, like.

Drunk sex.

Drunk sex.

Oh, yeah.

Did I say sober sex?

You said sober sex.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Drunk sex.

Drunk sex made me like.

You were flexible, you were nimble, didn't.

Care what was sagging, where, what was.

Like, sweating on em.

Yeah.

And it didn't matter.

You spit in your mouth.

All right.

But then don't you think, like, sometimes I think now I was black.

At what?

Sorry.

I don't know.

I said, let me spit in your mouth.

Oh, did you?

I didn't even realize.

Sorry.

Sorry about that.

Spit in your mouth.

Ew.

It's drunk sex.

We do whatever.

Okay.

There's so many holes.

Anyway.

Why is my ear sticky?

Whoops.

But I just, like, now when I think about it.

Hi.

Sure.

Was it a fresh moment?

Okay.

Girl on girl.

But don't you wonder, like, I think of, like, blackout.

Heather?

Yeah.

How is that, like, why would you want to have sex with that girl?

Like, I mean, it was gross.

I would probably, like, vomit off the side of the bed.

You weren't a puker, were you?

I was.

Usually the next morning is when I would.

But, like, I think about, like, yeah.

But we don't know how we were when we were blackout drunk.

This is something that I had to get square with with my therapist.

It was something my husband now had to kind of get square with.

I will never remember that.

Yeah, I don't know who blackout Emily was.

I don't know.

And I did it every single time.

Yeah.

So you might have been a star.

I have a feeling I was more like missionary porn star.

Oh, I don't know.

Thinking about the ceiling, like, I mean, I can't imagine if I could barely walk.

Like, I mean, there are some times that I am sure.

Like, I can remember bits and pieces and be like, oh, yeah, that was fun.

I was like, spinner on that sucker.

But then there are sometimes circus sex.

But then there are some times where it's like, I couldn't have been that great.

Like, why?

What?

Why were you not turned off by me?

I don't know.

I mean, I'm not saying that I said no at all.

Right.

No, I probably wasn't talking much at all.

That doubt was not.

Probably pissed in your bed.

You peed.

Well, I'm sure a tinkler.

Dude, you know, my bladder's very weak, and especially once you break the seal.

You just tell them you're a squirter and you're welcome.

That just made him feel so good about himself.

Yeah, I'm sure he's like, oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Things are damp.

You're welcome.

Things are damp.

You are welcome for my low, low standards.

What's your name again?

Like it matters.

Nice to meet you.

Thanks for the ride in both ways.

The ride home and.

Yeah, the ride.

Ew.

Yeah, we were good at it.

I'm sure we were.

I don't know.

I would like to think I was.

Because, man, I can't go down like that rabbit hol of who I was when I was blackout drunk.

I can't think about how awful it might have been and sloppy and gross and just icky.

I like to say I don't regret anything, but if I could go back and redo some things, knowing what I know now, it's not a thing.

I wouldn't change a thing.

Oh, God.

Nope.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I definitely don't think I would allow myself to feel so worthless, you know?

Sure.

Yeah.

But you are who you are today because you were worthless.

That's true.

Because you felt you were worthless.

And that is the point and purpose of giving us microphones.

Is that redemption?

Oh, yeah.

It doesn't have to define who you are for the rest of your life.

For sure.

No.

Yep.

I forgot to put my necklace on.

Worse.

Sorry that you have to stare at my non necklace.

I had a pearl necklace.

I just found out what that means.

No, I know what it means, but not.

Okay.

All right, thanks for tuning in.

We'll see you next time.

Bye.

Bye.

Thanks for letting us tickle your ear hole and not turning us off after the first 30 seconds.

Don't forget to subscribe and join our email list to get in on the action.

Sam.