Are your coaching clients not following through on your advice? Dr Demartini unpacks how your communication skills can transform your coaching results.

This content is for educational and personal development purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any psychological or medical conditions. The information and processes shared are for general educational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental-health or medical advice. If you are experiencing acute distress or ongoing clinical concerns, please consult a licensed health-care provider.

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Remember, people are trying to live

and fulfill their highest values.

If you help them,

the way you speak and communicate with

them in a way where they're going to get

their highest values met, they'll

take on what you ask them to do.

If you're a coach or a consultant and

you're working with clients and you find

that sometimes compliance,

or their application of what

you're recommending is low,

I'd like to share with you some

ideas on how to enhance it.

How to enhance the probability that

your coaching clients are doing

what you say.

I learned something about 40 years ago

when I was doing consulting and speaking

for consulting companies

and taking on clients,

health professionals

predominantly in those days,

and I noticed that I would see at

a conference, a management group,

consulting group, certain clients there,

and I noticed that some would really

take off and do extraordinary with the

insights that they were gaining from

the coaching they were getting and the

management they were getting.

And then I noticed that other people

were floundering and I thought, Hmm?

And I would sometimes see sort of an

autocratic behavior from the coach or the

consultant,

kind of condemning or judging

the person for not applying it.

You're not disciplined, you're not

doing what I've said, da da da.

And I noticed that and I thought,

that's interesting, is it,

are they not disciplined?

Are they not this?

Or is there some sort of an

internal conflict going on

inside their psyche about

taking those actions? And

I was puzzled by that.

And then I would see them leave that

consulting company or management company,

and then I would see them in

another one that I was speaking at.

And now suddenly the same client

is flourishing and booming

under this new consultant

and new management company.

And I would chat with them and

I would say, what's, you know,

you were with this other company and you

didn't take off and now you're taking

off, what do you think the difference

is? And we narrowed it down.

And I found out, and I already

knew some of it, I had suspicion,

but I really narrowed

it down by interacting.

They would say things like,

I just couldn't do what

they were asking me to do,

it just wasn't me.

And this was a real interesting

observation. It wasn't me.

Not everything they asked

was a no, I couldn't do it,

but parts of it.

And so that would hold them back and

limit their package that they were

presenting. So I basically found

out that it was value driven.

And I realized that as long as somebody

asks you to do something, a coach,

consultant asks you to do something,

that inside your head you perceive

more drawbacks than benefits,

more disadvantages than advantages,

and goes against what you value, or,

you think that the repercussions of

doing it will lead you to go against

something you value,

you'll automatically put up a barrier

and stop and hesitate and procrastinate

and frustrate yourself.

Because you'll be expecting yourself

because they're your authority,

because you inject their

values into your life,

you think 'I should be doing this,

but I'm not doing it.' Anytime you

hear yourself, I should, I ought to,

I'm supposed to, I got to, I

have to, I must, need to do it,

it's an injected value

from some authority,

but it may not match your own top values,

and so you have internal conflicts,

you resist. And you procrastinate,

hesitate and frustrate.

So I found out that the individuals

that were having difficulty,

it was going against their values.

So let me give you an example.

I had a gentleman that said

you know, no matter what I do,

I can't seem to get past this certain

amount in my business, my practice.

And I said, okay,

so what are you afraid is going to

happen if you did all of a sudden just

doubled it? You know, just took off,

what are you afraid is going to do it?

And he said,

and he had in his brain an association

with another friend of his that

doubled his practice and really grew

his practice and ended up in a divorce.

Because the amount of effort it took to

grow the practice made it where all of a

sudden there was clash

with a relationship.

Now this gentleman had a higher value

on relationship and family than the

individual that had higher

value on business that was

able to forsake the family

for the business, and divorce. But

he had a higher value on family.

And because of that,

he was not going to do,

because of the associations

he made with the other client,

the other guy that went through a divorce

when he doubled his business, he says,

I can't take that risk.

So he is hesitating because in his mind

he's got more drawbacks than benefits.

So that's the reason why. And

that's why I basically have to,

and when I'm working with people,

I have to go through there and clear

out that baggage that's sitting there.

Because sometimes the advice

you give them is solid advice,

but in their mind

they've got associations,

previous associations that are

challenging. So the question is,

unless we either dissolve those previous

experiences and associations or revamp

those and reassociate them,

they're going to hesitate.

So I had a gentleman that basically

was afraid to do that and I said,

well how could it help your marriage

if you were to double your business?

He says, well, if I doubled

my business, my wife would,

she's always bitching because I'm not

home enough, I'm already too busy,

I'm already having too many

hours, if I was to double it,

in his mind he thought if he doubled it,

it's going to take twice as much work.

Not necessarily so.

You could delegate more and actually have

less time in the office and have twice

as many patients. But he wasn't thinking

of that, in his mind he just thought,

if I double my business, I won't be

home, I'll take more effort there,

my wife will start thing, I'll end

up in a divorce, I don't want that,

It's not worth it, I won't do it.

Yet he's paying money for a

consultant to give him advice.

And the advice he's giving

him is solid advice.

But he can't do it because

he's got that wound.

He's got that wound watching his buddy

going through a divorce and what he went

through and all the frustrations he went

through because he grew his practice.

So in his mind, if I ask him,

how specifically is growing

your practice and doubling it,

how's he going to help your family and

relationship? And he couldn't see it.

If he couldn't see it, he is not going

to do it. And I said, so how could it?

And we sat down and we revamped and kind

of a Skinner operate conditioning on

there, I did what I call

the Demartini Method,

which is a series of questions to

help you see new associations with

perceptions. And I basically helped

him see where the upsides were.

Well, if he doubled his business,

he would end up having all of a

sudden more efficient time usage.

He would end up hiring more

people to delegate more things.

In fact that would help him

double his business. In fact,

we came up with strategies on how to

delegate so he would actually have freer

time and how to prioritize what he was

doing so he would have more time to be

with his family.

We also then prioritized how building

that business is going to help the kids,

because one of the highest values

on the wife's was the kids,

how will it help the kids?

And how is spending time with the

kids helping the business growing?

And we made some links and anytime

two values are closer together on the

hierarchy of values,

they enhance each other.

Anytime they don't see the

relationship, they hinder each other.

So I asked him that question and made

him come up with ways of doing it.

And the moment he saw how

he could get what he wanted,

building his business and

still keep his marriage,

he got a tear in the eye and his

business flourished, took off,

because he was no longer resistant to it.

So anytime you're working with a

client, they have a hierarchy of values.

If you don't know what the hierarchy

of values is, it's crucial to know,

because that's going to tell them whether

they're going to take action or not on

what you're going to recommend.

On my website, drdemartini.com,

there's a free Value Determination

process. You're welcome to use it.

It takes 30 minutes. You can have

the client go through that process.

You can go through it with them.

And in the process of doing it,

you could make sure that you really know

what their values are so when you're

communicating with them, you're talking

in terms of their values. Remember,

people are trying to live and

fulfill their highest values.

If you help them in the way you put,

the way you speak and communicate with

them in a way where they're going to get

their highest values met, they'll take

on what you ask them to do. If you can't,

they're going to resist it,

because they're going to see it

interfering with what they value most.

So you need to know what the values are.

Then you need to practice the art

of how is their values not wrong,

how is their values serve you? Because

if you don't see how it serves you,

you'll talk down to them and

try to project your values

onto them and try to get

them to live in your values

instead of honor theirs.

It's when you communicate what you

value in terms of what they value,

that you get the greatest compliance,

the greatest buy-in, the greatest action.

In other words, I used to have patients

come into my office and they would say,

well you know,

I've had this shoulder

pain for four months,

but you're just now coming in.

Well there were four months you were in

pain but you didn't come in so it wasn't

the pain that brought you

there. So I used to ask them,

what specific high priority thing in

your life is this pain now starting to

interfere with that's making you

decide to come in? And they said, well,

the other day I was driving on the freeway

and I couldn't turn my neck and the

shoulder was sore and

everything else I couldn't look,

and I almost got rammed by

a a 24 wheeling truck and

almost got killed.

And I realized I better do something

about it because I can't turn my neck

because my shoulder and neck is all tight.

So they didn't come in

because of the pain,

they came in because they

almost killed themselves.

I had a woman come in and says,

the reason I did it is because I dropped

my child because my shoulder was sore.

So there's reasons why people do what

they do and sometimes what you assume it

is and you project onto them what it

is, it's not really what's driving them.

So finding out the dominant buying

motive, finding out the dominant value,

finding out what's really

driving them is important.

If you want to get compliance. Because

if you talk and communicate with that.

I used to tell my clients that were into

golfing, I said, if we do what we do,

you'll be able to be get that score

back down and you'll be able to get that

golfing back on track. If I tell them

about their pain, they didn't listen,

but if I talked about golf, they did.

So just know that if you communicate,

care enough about the individual to

find out what they value most and care

enough to communicate effectively in

what you want them to do in terms of what

their values are, highest values,

highest values. If you do that,

your compliance will go up.

That's why I teach people

the Breakthrough Experience,

because I teach them about values, I

teach them how to communicate in values,

how to prioritize values, how

to discern values in people,

how to effectively communicate what

you want in terms of their values.

Because if they don't see how

they're going to win out of it,

they're going to feel

manipulated and controlled.

If they feel how they're

going to win out of it,

they're going to feel cared

and loved. And it's the way.

And that's really what you want.

You want people to feel cared

for and loved and appreciated.

And you do if you respect

them in their value system.

That's why I teach the

Breakthrough Experience,

because in the Breakthrough Experience

I teach them how to do that and I also

teach them how to dissolve all the

emotional baggage that's causing those

changes.

See the wound that he saw that his

friend go through with a divorce and the

wounds that he is gotten because of

his wife being upset because he is home

late, those wounds are

making those decisions.

And I have a method called the Demartini

method to dissolve those wounds so you

have a clear, balanced perspective.

And then you can communicate more

effectively with them and not have those

unconscious wounds,

those impulses and instincts that set you

off before you can even think clearly.

And neutralize them.

That way you can more

effectively communicate with

your clients and they'll get

more compliance. People

want a value fulfilled.

And by the way, when you

ask people what they value,

I assure you I've been

doing it for 46 years, and

the reason I developed the method

I did on the Value Determination,

which you can get on my

website, drdemartini.com,

is because people will tell you what

they think is valuable and it's not.

I ask people how many want to

be financially independent?

Everybody puts their hand up.

But less than 1% actually do it.

So what they say they want and what they

actually want are two different things.

So don't go by what they just say,

go by what their life

demonstrates is important.

That's why if you go on my website and

do the Value Determination process,

it'll be eye-opener. If you're

a coach, this'll be gold to you,

because you'll learn about what they are

really committed to, not what they say.

Because what they say and what they

commit to and what their life is

demonstrating are not always

the same, in fact, rarely are.

Not initially at least.

So once you find out what their values

are and once you know how to dissolve the

emotional baggage, which

is driving those values,

you have a powerful tool on

helping get more compliance,

and so they're more likely to do it.

So instead of sitting there and wondering

why they're not doing what you say,

you have a solution.

And that solution is caring enough about

another human being to communicate what

you really value in

terms of what they value,

what you really know will help them

grow their business or life or health

and help them get what they want in life.

But find out what it really is and then

master the art of communicating it.

That's what I teach in the Breakthrough

Experience and also how to dissolve all

the emotional baggage, which is driving

those values and confusing people. See,

if you put people on a pedestal,

you'll inject their values and

cloud the clarity of your own.

If you put people in pit, you'll

also cloud your judgment on them.

And those clouded states make people

say they want something when they really

don't. And they sometimes have

fears about what they say they want.

They have fears about

it and undermining it.

So come to the Breakthrough Experience

where I can show you how to dissolve the

baggage that they're carrying and also

in your own life because you may be doing

the same thing. And also how to art,

the art of communicating what

you value in terms of theirs.

Your compliance will go up,

your fulfillment in your coaching business

will go up and you'll realize that

there's nobody out there worth a label,

but there is somebody out there worth

serving and that person that you serve is

most effectively served if you communicate

what you want in terms of what they

want.