Today, I want to share with you a really powerful way to instantly deescalate a conflict.

And before I do, I want to explain why it’s so hard to deescalate conflict. Why we get drawn into conflict when we know it doesn't serve us. Why we become angry, agitated, passive, disengaged, avoidant, or whatever our repertoire of states and behaviors in response to conflict.

Conflict is seductive. Amanda Ripley, in her book High Conflict, uses the metaphor of the La Brea tar pits, where one animal came in and got stuck and then all the other animals who wanted to eat that animal came in and they got stuck and they started rotting. And then the scavengers came in. And that went on for thousands of years.

It’s so seductive and contagious because our inner minds code conflict as a threat, just like a wild beast that’s trying to eat you.

Even though what’s actually happening may be an email, or a conversation, or a glance, your inner mind senses danger. And it does things to get you to take immediate and decisive action to deal with that danger — either fighting back or running away.

Of course, that doesn't work in a workplace. It doesn't work in a family situation. It doesn't work in most of the human situations we find ourselves. It's actually worse than useless, because it can contribute to that whole La Brea tar pit effect:

Now the other person’s drawn further into conflict, also in self-defense, and everyone’s feeling worse and worse. Things get said that can’t be unsaid, and the initial conflict can morph into an ongoing battle, a feud, a vendetta.

How to Deescalate

The method of deescalation that I promised comes from the musical Grease, from the song “Summer Nights.”

The chorus of that song keeps repeating, “Tell me more, tell me more.”

Those are three incredibly powerful words when it comes to deescalating conflict.

I recommend that you practice them. Train yourself to say them, and mean them, when you feel anger or fear or whatever your emotional conflict signature is.

Look at the other person with as much respect and curiosity as you can muster and say, “Tell me more.”

This works because it shifts your mind from the fight or flight networks in your limbic brain back into the prefrontal cortex — back into the cognitive state where you're now thinking about the topic under discussion rather than being captured by the neurobiology of fight or flight.

Your inner mind is OK with this because it wants to keep you safe. And one of the best ways to deal with a potential threat is to learn as much as you can about it. So it’s willing to let you gather intelligence, to find out what’s going on in the other person that’s triggering their reaction.

Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept

You can get good at this by practicing “Tell me more” in everyday conversation. People love it when you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say.

Then start using “Tell me more” at the beginning of the teeniest hint of conflict — little things that you might ordinarily just let slide by. “You seemed a little annoyed just then — can you tell me more about what’s going on for you?”

And then start using it in more heated situations: “Tell more about what you’re thinking and feeling. Tell me why this matters to you. Tell me more about what upset you about what I said or did. Tell me more — I really want to know!”

Your prefrontal cortex gets to take over, and your limbic brain is satisfied that you’re acting in a protective way.

As you return yourself from fight or flight into a state of calm and curious presence, you also help your “conflict partner” regulate their own nervous system. You’re showing them that you aren’t a threat, and signaling that fight or flight isn’t needed here.

And from that state, you can both start to get good stuff done.

Want me to “tell you more” about how I work with leaders, teams, and organizations to build cultures of positive and productive conflict? Reach out at askHowie.com.

Tell me more.

2

How to handle conflict, like

a champ courtesy of Grease.

3

Today.

4

I want to share with you a really

powerful way to instantly deescalate.

5

Most conflicts.

6

And before I do, I want to explain why

it's so hard to deescalate conflict.

7

Why we get drawn into conflict when

we know it doesn't serve us, why

8

we become angry, agitated, passive

disengaged, avoidant, or whatever,

9

our repertoire of states and

behaviors in response to conflict.

10

Conflict is seductive.

11

Amanda Ripley in her book, high conflict

uses the metaphor of the LaBrea.

12

Tarpits where one animal one

day came in and got stuck.

13

And then all the other animals who

wanted to eat that animal came in and

14

they got stuck and they started rotting.

15

And then the scavengers

came in and they got stuck.

16

And that went on for thousands of years.

17

It's so seductive and contagious because

our inner mind codes conflict as a threat.

18

Just like a wild beast.

19

That's trying to eat you.

20

Even though what's actually happening,

maybe an email or a conversation or a

21

glance, your inner mind senses danger.

22

And it does things to get you

to take immediate and decisive

23

action to deal with that danger.

24

Either fighting back or running away.

25

Of course that doesn't

work in a workplace.

26

It doesn't work in a family situation.

27

It doesn't work in most

of the human situations.

28

We find ourselves.

29

It's actually worse than useless

because it can contribute to

30

that whole LaBrea tarpit effect.

31

Now the other person's drawn further

into conflict also in self-defense and

32

everyone's feeling worse and worse.

33

Things get said that can't be unsaid

and the initial conflict can morph into

34

an ongoing battle of feud of vendetta.

35

The method of deescalation that

I promised comes from the musical

36

grease from the song summer nights.

37

The chorus of that song keeps repeating.

38

Tell me more, tell me more.

39

Those are three incredibly powerful words.

40

When it comes to deescalating conflict,

I recommend that you practice them.

41

Train yourself to say them and mean them

whenever you feel anger or fear or what

42

ever your emotional conflict signature is.

43

Look at the other person with as

much respect and curiosity as you

44

can muster and say, tell me more.

45

This works because it shifts your

mind from the fight or flight

46

networks in your limbic brain,

back into the prefrontal cortex.

47

Into the cognitive state where you're now

thinking about the topic under discussion.

48

Rather than being captured by the

neurobiology of fight or flight.

49

Your inner mind is okay with this

because it wants to keep you safe.

50

And one of the best ways to

deal with a potential threat.

51

Is to learn as much as you can about it.

52

So it's going to be willing to let

you gather intelligence, to find out

53

what's going on and the other person

that's triggering their reaction.

54

You can get good at this by practicing.

55

Tell me more, tell me more

in everyday conversation.

56

People love it when you're genuinely

interested in what they have to say.

57

Then start using, tell me more, tell

me ma at the beginning of the tiniest

58

hint of conflict, little things that

you might ordinarily let's slide by.

59

You seemed a little annoyed just

then, can you tell me more, tell me

60

more about what's going on for you.

61

And then start using it

in more heated situations.

62

Tell me more, tell me more about

what you're thinking and feeling.

63

Tell me more.

64

Tell me more why this matters to you.

65

Tell me more, tell me more about what

upset you about what I said or did.

66

Tell me more, tell me more.

67

I really want to know.

68

Your prefrontal cortex gets to take

over and your limbic brain is satisfied

69

that you're acting in a protective way.

70

As you return yourself from

fight or flight into a state

71

of calm and curious presence.

72

You're also helping your conflict partner

regulate their own nervous system.

73

You're showing them that you aren't

a threat and signaling that fight

74

or flight isn't what's needed here.

75

And from that state, you can both

start to get good stuff done.

76

Hey, do you want me to tell you more, tell

you more about how I work with leaders,

77

teams, and organizations to build cultures

of positive and productive conflict.

78

Reach out@askhowie.com.