On this episode of The Karen Kenney Show, I talk about what I call “the conveyor belt” in our relationships.

That sneaky belief that we’re somehow more evolved, more spiritual, or doing “more work” on ourselves than our partner or the people around us.

I get into how, if we're not careful, this mindset can create hierarchies of “specialness”, insidiously erode connection, and block the love from flowing between you.

So, instead of weaponizing our personal growth or psychoanalyzing our sweeties...

How about we keep the focus on dealing with our “own blind spots to our own bullshit”. 😆

I don’t know about you, but most people don't feel inspired to change or grow through shame or blame or judgement.

Especially if you're coming at them with some kind of secret agenda, covert / overt manipulation, or these unspoken expectations.

(People can feel the contempt that’s coming their way.) 🫤

A more productive approach might be to try leading by example, extending grace, and giving the people we love some space to grow at their own pace.

KAREN KENNEY BIO:

Karen Kenney is a writer, speaker, podcaster, certified spiritual mentor, and coach.

She’s known for her dynamic storytelling, her sense of humor, her Boston accent, and her no-bullshit approach to spirituality, self​-development, and transformational change work.

Karen helps people to navigate this whole “being human” experience using a variety of practical tools, personal stories, and universal principles.

She's been a yoga teacher for 25+ years, has been a Thai Yoga Massage practitioner since 2008.

She's also a Gateless Writing Instructor, the creator of WRITE CLUB , and the host of The Karen Kenney Show podcast.

She coaches clients individually in her 1-to-1 program: THE QUEST and in her HEART-TO-HEART DAYS using Voxer. She also leads a group program and community called THE NEST.

CONNECT WITH KAREN:

Website: http://karenkenney.com/

Podcast: https://www.karenkenney.com/podcast

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/karenkenneylive/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/karenkenneylive/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@KarenKenney

Hey, you guys! Welcome to the Karen Kenney Show. This

is like take three because I keep cracking myself up over

here like a little weirdo. So I keep, I keep having to tell

myself, pull it together, pull it together. Okay, and we're

back. Welcome to the show. I'm so happy you're here with me,

you guys. I made so many notes about this sucker because I got

some things to say. Something that's been on my mind, and I

just got brought back up because that's how spiritual team on the

job works. Okay, so okay, I was just talking with a friend, and

their son was trying to catch their airplane, right? Like the

airport they were flying back home, and I started thinking

about in the airport how, like, when you're in a rush, like, is

it better to take like the moving walkway, like that big

conveyor belt, or is it better to just like haul ass and like

run? So I was just thinking about this, and it reminded me,

right? It reminded me of a conversation that I had with my

sweetie, and we were talking about how. Okay, so not only has

this let me start here. This topic has come up with my

sweetie, but I have seen this topic in action so many times

over the years, in my yoga classes, in people talking to me

after class, in my workshops, at my retreats, with my coaching

clients, my mentoring clients, this topic today has come up

again and again and again. And I guarantee you, at some point in

your life, I mean, maybe I can't say 100% but I have a sneaking

suspicion that sometime in your life you have had this thought,

this situation, or this problem, however, we want to define this

sucker. So today's episode title, you saw, it's called the

conveyor belt. Now here's the thing: I was talking with my

sweetie, and we were talking about just relationships in

general. And here's the thing about relationships: there is a

lot of fluctuation in them. Often, they're not always stuck

or stagnant. Sometimes there are periods of growth. Sometimes

there are periods of not growth. Sometimes there are periods of

coming together. Sometimes there are periods of pulling apart.

Right? We're just talking about like humans in relationship

trying to like create like a life together. Do you know what

I mean? Like, if you are sharing a household or a business or

whatever, a family with people, you got as soon as you have two

people involved, shit's gonna go down. You know what I'm saying?

Because you've got, you've got people's personalities, you've

got their egos, you've got their past and their history, you've

got their previous traumas, you've got their beliefs and

their stories and their identities. Like it's amazing,

you guys, that the that that the population continues to like

grow and that humans continue to exist. Although at this rate, at

this rate, the way we're abusing the planet, who knows, you know?

But here's the thing. Okay, this is what I want to get into about

the conveyor belt. So often when we are in a relationship with

another person, especially if it's romantic, if it's intimate,

if it's like like a level three teaching, as the Course of

Miracles would say, like you guys are going to spend a good

chunk of time together, right? There can be sometimes this

insidious little thought that will creep into your mind, it's

really like a little way of judgment. It's like kind of a

little way of like attacking your partner or your person, and

this insidious little thought is this: It's some version of this.

I'm more spiritual than them. I'm more evolved than them. I've

done more quote unquote work on myself than them, okay. And when

I've been in conversations with people over the years, right?

They usually, and if you're listening to this and not

watching, I'll explain what I'm doing because they usually do

some sort of hand gestures when they're when they're basically

kind of judging their partners, but they're kind of giving me

like show and tell, right? And they'll say, "Well, I'm kind of

like up here, and they'll raise their hand high, like above the

top of their head or so, and they'll say, "And they're down

here. And there's usually like a significant gap, right?

They'll be like, "I'm more evolved, like I've done the

work. I'm more spiritual. Like I'm up here, high, and then

they're down here. Or they kind of do more of the conveyor belt,

like more instead of vertical. They do more of the horizontal,

and they'll say, "Well, I'm more here. Like they're forward. Like

they're more evolved, right on the evolution journey, and

they're back here, like they're behind me, right? And that's the

other thing. Like, so they're always using their hands to kind

of show me just how like they're in the higher position, or the

more forward position, or the dominant position, or the

position where they're just like call it what it is. They're

saying like I'm just better. I'm better than you. Oh my God! And

then we go on, right? We go on, and look, we've all done it. Oh

my God! Double A men hands. Can we just be honest with ourselves

and each other right now? We say we say shit like this, right? We

say this is ridiculous, but it's true sometimes. Sometimes it's

true. I'll give that caveat. However, we also say this. We

say, "Well, if only they would. And what follows that blank

space? If only they would. I always say now. Just go ahead

and insert what you consider now is your expert diagnosis about

what's wrong with them, or or or your your your armchair expert

solution to what whatever you deem their issue was and what

you think they should do about it? Because if only they would

insert your diatribe, right? Then the relationship would

work. Then the relationship would be better. What we're

really saying is, then I would be happier if you only change.

If only you would just do some damn work, or read a book, you

know, or took a listen to a podcast or whatever, right? Got

to went to therapy, you know. If only you did this, then then

this could work out. And I will tell you this, you guys, this

kind of thinking. I'm just like grabbing my face right now

because it's this kind of thinking that has started the

slow decline, right? The slow, let's call it the demise, the

demise of a relationship, and I'm sure it has been the demise

of many a relationship, way more than one relationship, is when

we start to think that we know better how they should do it.

They need to. I want them to change, right? Like I'm so much

more forward on the conveyor belt than you are. And this is

the thing about the conveyor belt. If you've ever been in an

airport, right, and especially if you've done this with a

friend, right, so sometimes you're traveling with somebody

and they're just like walking along or whatever, taking their

time, getting to their gate, doing whatever they want to do,

and you're just like the person who's like always in a rush and

like you're on your phone or you're doing like 18,000 things,

and you just get on the conveyor belt, and the thing is, is when

you're first walking together, for about a moment there, right?

Like they're right there next to you, and then as soon as you get

on that conveyor belt, like you take off, right? And because

it's motorized, it's moving at a faster pace. Like you're just

gonna get ahead of them unless you start running alongside

them. And who wants to feel like they always have to run to catch

up to the other person? You know what I mean. But let's talk

about this because what happens is you start to get this crazy

thought in your head that let's just call it what is it? We

would just say that you think you're special, you think that

you are better than or smarter than or you've done more work.

And look, here's the reality. Maybe that's true. Maybe you

have done. Maybe you've read more books, or studied with more

people, or took the course, or went to therapy, or did

whatever. But the reality of it is, is that like you got into

this relationship with this person under the guise of like I

love you, you love me, or I like you, you like me.

You know, we think we think each other's pretty great, and then

some stuff starts to shift and starts to happen, and it's this

kind of mindset, right? This kind of mindset, and I can I can

speak from it from this point of view because because of the work

that I do in the world, that I tend to work with people who are

doing personal development work, who are doing spiritual work,

who are doing like let's call it change work or growth work.

Okay, so this mindset starts to sneak into people who have

started to do some personal development work, and they think

all kinds of things, right? So what happens is you start to get

a little more self awareness. You start to realize, like,

which you had to have some sort of realization, or you wouldn't

be working with me, or going to therapy, or doing whatever,

right? Reading your books, listening to your podcast,

whatever. But some some part of your life wasn't going well, and

then you decided to do something about it, and then you start to

get like just enough knowledge, just enough insight to be like

what I call dangerous, right? So you you start to get a little

bit of self awareness. You might start to have what you know the

coaching world loves to call like breakthroughs or aha

moments, and you start to go like oh, so like that's what I

was doing. Then nowadays, because of the internet and

social media and all the Instagram, like the Instagram

therapists out there, you know all the quote unquote Instagram

experts, you start to develop a little bit more of understanding

whether it's around your nervous system or your how your your the

psychology of how things work. You learn about the unconscious.

You start to learn about polyvagal theory or attachment

theory or how to work with your vagus. Or identity, whatever it

is, right? You start to get like enough information to stop being

a pain in the ass, is what I kind of think sometimes, right?

Not a pain in the ass to yourself so much, but it's when

we take these things and then we start to kind of like inflict

them on other people, and I've seen this so many times, you

guys, right? I'm not saying that I'm not. I look. I I say all the

time when I'm talking with people, you know, like I'm not

here to psychoanalyze you, right? But a lot of times, it's

so much easier for us to see patterns in other people. It's

so much easier for us to see people's what I call blind spots

to their own bullshit, right? So once we start to get a little

self-awareness about ourselves, we now sometimes think that we

have like have received like the golden ticket to just start

opening our mouths to everybody else. So we start to feel a

little bit more confident about like saying things to them, like

you know, I've noticed this, or da da da da da, right? And we

all do it. I know I've done it. I try not to do it unsolicited.

You know what I mean? But sometimes it happens, and

sometimes we definitely do it out of love. We're not doing it

to be malicious or mean or manipulative or whatever, we

just have an insight and like we share it. But it can get tricky

sometimes if we feel like really comfy. If we get like a little

extra comfy and overconfident and starting to psychoanalyze

our partners, like you know your sweetie doesn't want to be

psychoanalyzed. They want to be loved. They want to be seen and

heard and feel welcomed, and that you accept them. They don't

want you and all of your 1000s of solutions to their problems

that you've deemed problems, unless of course they ask you.

You know what I'm saying? So even if we're right, even if

we've looked at them, looked at the situation, looked at the

relationship, and we assess some things, and we're like, yeah,

that could change if only they did this. Da da da da da. We

might be right, quote unquote. We might be accurate in our

assessment, but it's like we don't like people coming at us

like that.

There is a way to talk about these things in your

relationship, but if you fancy yourself on the conveyor belt,

way ahead of your patna, and now you're looking back and you're

lobbing your diagnoses and your psychoanalyzing and your

solutions and what they should do or need to do or blah blah

blah blah blah, man, that is going to cause that is going to

cause like so not soothing. It will just be so not soothing.

So, like, let's kind of get into this for a minute because if you

think for a moment, like I'm so much more evolved than you, I'm

so much more spiritual than you, I've done so much more work than

you. If you're secretly thinking this, what happens is, is it

kind of what's the word I'm looking for? You know when you

put like a kink in a hose, like you know, water flow. Water is

flowing through the hose. Like you guys are just doing your

relationship, and then all of a sudden there's a kink in the

hose. Well, not only does the water stop coming out, so the

love is not moving forward to and fro to each other, right?

But it creates a buildup of pressure. There's kind of like

this pressure that gets there's this there's this tension, this

tension that will get created in a relationship. It will start to

create conflict when you think you're better than them. When

you think that you are, you know, yeah, more evolved,

whatever the word is, then it will definitely create a kink in

your relationship, especially if you want the relationship to

thrive, to be organic, where people are allowed to grow at

their own pace, to discover things at their own pace. If one

person is insisting that the other person hurries up, you

know, and we just can't do that. If we start keeping the focus on

them, like if only they would do this. And I always say, when

they, then I. So when they do this, then I will be able to be

happy. And if we insist that another person changes so that

we feel better, we feel more comfortable, we feel happier,

and like caveat, right? Side note, sidebar. I'm doing this

thing with my hands. Little timeout sidebar over here. I'm

not talking about like obviously really dangerous things, right?

Like oh, if they would stop hitting me or beating me or

abusing me, like these are those are no brainer things. I'm not

talking about that, I'm just talking about these kind of like

insidious little thoughts where we start to do a little work on

ourselves, and then we start to think. We start because what

happens is when we start to do work on ourselves, the focus is

on us, and then it can be really fucking tempting to take the

focus off. Ourselves and to turn it, and I'm kind of doing this

thing where, like, I got my hand facing towards my face, like I'm

looking in the mirror, and we take that focus, and then we

turn it, and we turn it around, and now it's looking at

everybody else, but specifically our partner, right? That person

you chose to shack up with, or have kids with, or marry, or

whatever, have a commitment to, right? Because what happens is a

lot of times is people start using spirituality as a weapon.

They weaponize spirituality. They start to spiritualize like

blaming and shaming and guilting other people. Right, we they

start to kind of take these things, and they use it as a way

to kind of get out of the glare of their own bullshit, their

own, as I call it, say because when we're focusing on what

other people are doing wrong, when we're focusing on them all

the time out there instead of looking in here, when when we

turn on them, right, and we start to say, "Here's a massive

blind spot that you have to your own bullshit, I would say right

there, that's a blind spot to our own bullshit. Because as

soon as we take the focus off ourselves and we stop putting it

on them, it's just a way of just like distracting ourselves from

the work that we probably still have to do. So here's what I

wrote down.

Right, we sometimes think like, well, I've done so much work, it

can't possibly. Oh my God, the ego mind is so insane. It

couldn't possibly be me. Do you know how many books I've read?

You know how many friggin' you know courses I've taken? Do you

know how much mentoring, whatever it is, right that I've

done. Oh my God! So here's the thing: we never find peace if we

insist on blaming other people, right? If we insist on making.

And now look again. I'm going back to the no-brainer stuff.

There will be times that if somebody just stopped doing

gambling away all your money, so you can't feed your kids. Of

course, there are situations where it's very clear that if

this person stopped doing this, yeah, there probably would be

more peace in the household. But I'm not. I'm not talking about

that. As long as one person's being blamed for everything,

there won't be peace. It's not going to work that way. The

reality of it is, is it takes two to tango. Whatever dynamic,

and I'm bringing my two fists together, like I'm fitting my

knuckles together, like you know how they would fit. You know,

however a relationship works, it's almost never exclusively

just one person causing all the problems. There is a dynamic at

play, even if let's say somebody has you know addiction issues,

they have a dependency on a drug, alcohol, whatever the

thing is, an overdependency or whatever. Some part of you,

unless you did not know that blindly, 100% did not know going

in, right? Some part of you either recognized the behavior,

thought I can change them or fix them or whatever. There's always

like you know this codependency. So one, and I've talked about

this in the past. Like one of the things, one of the best

things that I ever did for myself, where I learned to keep

the focus on myself, was going to Al-Anon. Like I went to

Al-Anon, and I realized, like, oh, you might have a little

codependent streak. And I'll never forget. I've told this

story before. I used to get so pissed. I would get so pissed at

my sponsor because just like how in AA, right, Alcoholics

Anonymous, there's sponsors. In Al-Anon, you also get a sponsor,

and I get a sponsor. And Lauren used to tell me all the time to

keep keep my fucking eyes on my own paper, keep the focus on

yourself. I would get so I would always be like, yeah, but he's

yeah, but the yeah, but right. I was the queen of the yeah, but

oh my god, it was so not soothing when I realized I was

part of part of the problem. Okay, so here's the thing: every

relationship is going to have conflict. Every relationship is

going to have problems. Every relationship is going to have

times where you disagree or whatever. But there's like two

people. There's two people at work. Now, here's the thing.

Here's the thing I want to say. Let's say you are on the

conveyor belt and you feel like you are moving ahead. Maybe

you're starting to feel like you're moving too far ahead or

dangerously ahead. You're not feeling connected to your person

anymore, you're not feeling attracted to them anymore.

You're feeling just like, oh, I'm doing all this stuff.

They're not doing anything. The reality is this: we cannot

number one save people from themselves. We cannot drag

people forward to your pace, to where you are, to how you want

them to be. And sadly, there might come a time when the

relationship falls apart, and you eventually have to leave

them behind. Right? That's all true, but first, first before

all of that, before the relationship comes to an end,

before you start working all your your bullshit and your

manipulation and all your stuff, and we're going to get into

that. In a second, we got to ask the question like, "What about

me? What about me? Right? Keep the focus on myself. So we got

to ask myself like, "We got to ask ourselves these kind of

Where am I in this? Like, what's the role that I'm

playing in this? What's my bullshit to own? What's my

pattern, my history, my way of behaving, my thought

process-right, the way that I show up, and all that stuff,

right?

Because if I if I keep the focus on you and what I perceive as

you doing wrong, I then don't have to take my part of it. I

don't have to own my own bullshit. I don't have to own my

own, you know, my own piece of it, where the responsibility

lies. So if if I keep the focus on you, I feel like like I get

to be the superior one, and the ego mind loves this. It just

loves to be special, and it will make you special by either being

superior or shittier. That's what it does, right? You get to

be special because you're so great, or don't people know how

bad you have it, right? But if we take the focus off of them

and we keep the focus on our own journey, our own work, our own

development, our own spiritual growth, our own change, right?

Evolution of change because we're always usually changing,

right? That's usually the one consistent thing is that there's

change. Now, sometimes I get it. People do get stuck, and they

get stuck for long periods of time. But it's not for us to

drag people out of their positions. They have to want to

change on some level, or it's not going to work. Okay. Now, if

we do put the focus on them, of course we're going to find

things where we're like, yeah, maybe if they change this or did

this or change their attitude or blah blah blah read a book as I

jokingly say sometimes right yeah of course we could find a

bunch of things wrong with everybody around us but if you

know the reality of it is is that we've just got to keep the

focus on ourselves and and that's the thing that's one of

the scary things about relationships right is we have

to have vulnerability in relationships. We have to have

trust, and if you have trust in another person, we have to trust

that they're going to like when we go into it and we pattern up

and pair up. We don't go into it usually thinking right like,

well, I'm going to do all the work and they're not going to do

any. No, we go in, we trust each other, we create a certain

amount of vulnerability immediately when we trust each

other, and that's just it. Relationships require a lot of

courageous vulnerability. You know what I mean? To say like

I'm going to go into this, and it can be really scary. I know.

A lot of people don't like to be really vulnerable. A lot of

people don't like it that it makes them feel. First of all,

it makes them feel afraid. It makes them feel uncertain, and

some people feel weak when they're vulnerable. They don't

trust that people aren't going to use their vulnerability

against them to harm them, to make fun of them, like whatever.

I know that 100% I know that that feeling, but the reality of

it is, is that intimacy and true connection and relationship, and

I'm not just talking about physical intimacy and sex. I

mean intimacy, like really knowing each other, really

seeing each other, really being able to to hold each other in

difficult times. Right? That intimacy takes courage, and

somebody's got to go first, and somebody's got to be willing to

say, like, I'm going to keep the focus on my on myself. Right?

Yes, there eventually might come a time when "quote unquote" you

outgrow each other. I'm doing the thing with my hands again,

but in the meantime, here's the thing: we can't always just be

insisting that the other person has to go first. We can't be

doing that whole tit and tat thing like I did this and you

didn't do this, or you're keeping score. You know, I was

talking with my friend the other day, joking about the chalkboard

in my head that's got the little marks on it, and I make it a

chalkboard because I can erase those marks any time that I want

to, right? But I'd be a liar if I didn't say there wasn't a

chalkboard in my head, and maybe I'll do a whole episode about

that someday.

So the reality of it is, like, if we're going to be in

relationship with each other, first and foremost, we got to be

in relationship with ourself. That's numero uno. You with you,

you with the divine, you with spirit. However you want to talk

about that, but you contained as you, right? And then there's

other people. So we have to choose to be the best self that

we can be. To me, I find that really attractive when people

are like willing to quote unquote work on themselves. They

want to grow. They want to understand themselves better.

They want to know why they do what they do, say what they say,

think what they think, act the way they act. They don't want to

just chalk it up to you know their history, their past, their

trauma. They can't help it. It's like no, to me that just

wouldn't. I at this age, I definitely wouldn't get into a

relationship with somebody. I mean, I'm happily married with

my sweetie, but I often say one of the reasons why I married him

is he is self-aware enough and he's willing to grow and change.

I wanted somebody who would also like me. I am willing to grow

and change, and we don't always like to hear it, right? We don't

always like to to know, like, oh shit, I still have work to do.

But here's the reality, you know. As long as we're alive, I

always say this: as long as I am alive and conscious and

breathing, I will probably have work to do because I'm human and

I'm clumsy, and I have a lot. You know, I've just I have a lot

to continue to grow into, and I'm okay with that as long as

I'm alive. There'll be work to do, and as long as I'm alive,

I'll probably keep trying. Right. So that's that's the

that's the deal, though I made with myself, and then I also

extend that right courtesy also to to to my sweetie, so here's

there are going to be times maybe when your partner

doesn't want to do the work. They're they're not willing to

do the work. They don't want to do the work, but we have to give

people space to move at their own pace. You can't get on the

conveyor belt and stop moving wicked fast and then get pissed

at them because they're walking along beside you. Because before

the conveyor belt, you guys were just walking alongside each

other, and then you put things into high gear. You made a

choice, and one of the things is is like I've seen this so many

times in mentoring. One of the questions I often ask people if

they're patented in some way is I'll say, does your sweetie know

that you're doing this work? Or if they're a single parent, I'll

say, and if their kids are an appropriate age, right? I'll

say, do your kids know that you're doing this work? Do the

people in your life who know you, love you, you spend time

with, you have relationships with, friendships, family,

sweeties, whoever, do they know you are embarking on this

journey of self-awareness, self-discovery, change work,

whatever, because one of the one of the things that often happens

is people start to go when they do do this work, and they start

to feel differently, they start to think differently, they start

to change, but they haven't clued anybody in their life in

for whatever reason, they think they'll get made fun of. They're

too embarrassed. They feel too vulnerable, like talking about

spiritual mentoring work or coaching work with me or

whatever. And I'm like, I think it would be helpful. Again,

maybe not in every single case people have to decide that for

themselves. But I do say like, hey, it might be good to let

people in on what you're doing, the books you're reading, the

things we're talking about, what you're learning about yourself,

the aha moments, and again, I tell them like, keep the focus

on yourself, because what a lot of people do with the wisdom

that they gain through doing this kind of mentoring work and

coaching work, what they do with the resources and the tools and

the changes is they then start to inflict them on the people

around them.

And if the people around them have no idea what the fuck is

going on that you're even doing this work or why you're

changing, it can become very threatening to them. If you're

like always going, people have told me this before. Oh my God,

my husband is so sick of me saying KK said. Well, KK said.

Well, KK said, this person doesn't know me. They've never

met me, and all they know is my name is connected to change in

their partner, right? So I'm like, hey, can we maybe like

just let them know you're doing this work and that you're

learning and you're excited about something and you're

enthusiastic, like you're making an investment in yourself to

whatever, like you know what I mean? I want the people to know,

but here's what we don't want to do is then take all that stuff

and then start burning it onto other people. Nobody in your

life is going to evolve probably by being hassled, by being

picked at, by being picked on, by being blamed, by being

shamed, by telling them, you know what you need to do. You

start psychoanalyzing them. You start pathologizing them because

you're taking the information that was first geared and gained

towards you for you, and now you're turning it on them. When

you start making the people in your life try to feel wrong

because they're not on the same conveyor belt, moving at the

same speed as you, doing the same shit as you, it doesn't

usually end well. You can't shame people. You know, my

teacher David Bedrick, who one of my teachers, right? He talks

a lot about the unshaming way. He talks about shame a lot, and

he's like, you can't shame other people into to being better.

You're not going to make them a better person by making them

feel shitty, right? And shaming them. You can try it, but you

know where it ends up. It always ends up with like the mutual

resentment club because you start to resent them for not

changing, and then sometimes they start to resent you. So

you're like, you're like, you resent them for not even trying

to change, and then they resent you for trying to change them,

and it just doesn't work out. It just doesn't work out. You have

to let people. Grow at their own pace, and the thing is, is like

that's how the relationship is actually going to evolve-is

organically and naturally, symbiotically. Like you're each

supporting each other and lifting each other up, because

that's what's actually going to have the relationship grow

stronger and deeper and more connected and more intimate and

more trust, that's what leads to that. But not you all of a

sudden like looking at them and saying, "This is what you need

to do. This is what you didn't do. Right? Nobody wants that.

Nobody wants that. That psychoanalyzing stuff. So here's

the thing. This is the note I really want to make sure that I

say. Okay, you kind of like I said, you have to give your

partner, your people, space to grow and to implement things.

Okay, there does come a point. I will say this: there might come

a point in your relationship where you have to ask yourself

if you're looking at your partner and you're having the

thoughts of like they're never going to change, or this is

what's wrong with them. Or if only they did this. If you start

getting into all of those weird thoughts, right? You got to ask

Are they just in a temporary phase, right? Are they

just struggling because they just lost their job, or a parent

died, or you know they've been having a tough time with X, Y,

and Z with their health, da da da, their mental health. We have

Is this a phase? Is this just a phase? Are they normally

the kind of person that likes to do X, Y, and Z, or do we have

like a fundamental difference? Do we have like a core values at

that level of what mad is to us? Misalignment. Is there a

misalignment of what mad is, because that's a totally

different thing.

If you get to the place where you both agree that what matters

to you and where you're going and what you're doing is just

not something they're interested in, that's when the talk might

have to get more serious, right? So we got to start with that. We

got to ask that question: Is it a phase or is it a fundamental

like misalignment of what we want, who we are, where we're

going, etc. Right? Are our core values not aligned anymore?

Because the thing is, is that people in relationships, just

like the tide, you know how the tide goes in and out. You know

how the tide, the water goes up and down. That's humans. That's

relationships. It ebbs and flows. It rises and falls.

People grow. People change. And sometimes they're stuck and they

just chase their own tail for a while. We've all done it. We've

all done it. So here are some suggestions: take them or leave

them. But these are things that I have found helpful in my own

life because I was sitting there and asking myself, like, okay,

so when I've been on the the the the conveyor belt and my

trajectory has been moving a little bit fast, right? What are

some things that have been helpful to me so that you don't

blow up? You don't blow up your relationships, right? So number

one, lead by example, right? It says in a Course in Miracles, to

teach is to demonstrate. So you demonstrate your new behaviors,

your new beliefs, your new ways of being, right? Keep your focus

on yourself. Live, live what you're learning, and let that be

the example-the lived example. You don't have to cram it down

their throat, right? A lot of times, people will just be like,

"Hey, I notice this can happen with anything from like

literally skincare routine, working out to mental mind

shift, mind mind shift, mind set shifts. Okay, so sometimes

people go like, "Oh my God, your skin looks like it's glowing.

What are you doing differently? Right? People will be like, "Oh,

I notice that you have like more energy. You know, now I, oh my

God, it looks like you've changed in some way. What are

you doing? It's not because you came in and you're like, I just

joined the gym and I stopped eating sugar and I stopped doing

this and I stopped doing this. You should do this too. That's

not how we change people. Live your life. Lead by example to

teach is to demonstrate. Okay, number two, focus on mutual

support. Extend grace for one another. Extend that grace to

each other, right? Try to lift each other up. Don't just come

in and say, "This is what I'm doing. This is what you should

do. This is what you need to do. None of that blaming and shaming

stuff, right? Really try to just focus on supporting each other,

mutual support. Also, communicate your needs. Say,

"Hey, you know, this is what's this is what's real. This is

what's true for me. This is what's going on on inside of me.

This is what I've been thinking about, and share it with them.

Communicate it with them. Give them an opportunity to say like,

yeah, I can meet you there. I can meet you halfway. Or this is

what my need is, and this is maybe we can do this together.

But you can't expect people to be mind readers. If you're

growing and changing on the inside, but you're not talking

about it with people, if you're not communicating with people,

that's on you. Like you got to let people know this is what's

important to me. This is what I'm up to. This is what I'm

learning. These are the books I'm reading. This is what I'm

doing. Like let them in on the secret. You know what I mean?

Um, this is next one. Share what you're learning. But share it

with curiosity, share it with excitement, share it with

enthusiasm, share it genuinely because you're excited about it.

What you don't want to do is to start to share all this stuff,

right? That you're learning or gaining or resources or tools,

with an expectation that they should want to do it

automatically too. Don't share it with an agenda. Don't share

it with an expectation.

Don't share it with manipulation, and and don't

share it with judgment. If only you would do this. The reason

why you're is because you don't, right? Like people can feel our

contempt, even if we don't say it. Our energy, our vibe is

putting it out there. People can tell when you're looking down on

them, or if you're silently rolling your eyes at them. Do

you know what I mean? It doesn't feel good. Don't do it. I don't

suggest it as a way of getting closer to you. Don't be a little

shit. Okay. If you are going to share, share without pressure.

Right? Share without pressure. I can't tell you how many times

parents have done this, partners have done this. They're like,

"Yeah, I just, I just took my Course in Miracles book and like

I left it out, or oh, I just took that book on meditation and

I just left it out. Oh, I took that book on like whatever. Name

some trauma book, anxiety, but whatever. They're like, yeah,

and I just like put it next to the you know their like

whatever, I'm like guys being sneaky and manipulative that's

not how you win them over because people aren't stupid. A

lot of times they know what you're doing. Yeah, maybe once

in a while, like just straight up say to somebody maybe I'm

reading this book, I'm learning so much about myself. You know,

would you like to read it or whatever you're going to say,

but do it genuinely, right? I'd love to have somebody to talk

about this stuff with, right? And maybe they don't read. Maybe

you offer to get them the audio book or whatever, right? They

don't, you know, read like words, like they don't like

physical books, right? There's other ways of doing it. Okay, I

got to make this point especially, right? So much is

what of what's happened, though. This is the danger of the

internet around these kinds of things, around personal

development or spiritual growth or change work or whatever, is

that we all think that we're like experts now, just a bunch

of pseudo weekend experts, armchair experts as we say, just

walking around. Bunch of people get knowledge off the internet.

They watch a ton, a ton of those two minute, three minute,

whatever it is, video clips, where somebody is basically

usually selling a product or a program, their book, their

whatever, their system, their three steps to thriving with

your whatever the bullshit is, right? And because you start to

watch all this stuff, then you start to send links to other

people. Now, look, we all with our friends go, "Oh my God, I

watched this and thought of you. Like, "Oh my God, look at isn't

this me? Or, "Oh my God, this made me think of you and your

situation. That's one thing. But when we start to take these

things, and then again, I'm saying this twice in this

episode because it's important. We go back and we start to

pathologize people, we start to psychoanalyze people, and we

start to say, "I watch this, and this is what's wrong with you.

Oh my God, it's not. It's not like you. You should watch this.

Not, hey, I found this, and I thought it was wicked cool.

People can sniff your bullshit from a mile away. They know when

you're being manipulative. You know, they know when you're

making a commentary through what you share, you're making a

judgment through what you share. We're all pretty hip to each

other. We've lived together. We kind of know each other's

business and how we operate. So you know, just be careful. Be

careful with the way you approach things when you start

to move on the conveyor belt a little bit more forward. Don't

start like belittling, right? The people that you were just

previously, shortly, not that long ago, walking right along

beside. You know, if you're going to do your work, do it

because you want to do it, but don't do it and then turn around

and start shitting on the other people. I I hope you're hearing

how I mean this. I mean it in the most loving way, and

hopefully this has been helpful in some way.

And hopefully you and your people, you and your sweetie,

are equally curious, equally want to learn, equally invested

in continuing to evolve and grow as human beings. Right?

Hopefully your conveyor belts are moving at the same pace that

you get to continue walking along beside each other. Now,

remember, there's always going to be periods when one person

moves ahead, one person falls behind, or one goes up and one

goes down. That's normal. That's just life and humanity and

humans. Right. We don't want to give up on people because they

temporarily have a setback, or they feel stuck, or they're

circle in the wagon, right? But hopefully, at some point, you

guys will find that rhythm, in that pace, in that conveyor belt

that's moving in the same, right, the same reason, the same

season, right alongside each other. That is my hope for you

that they're moving in the same direction at the same pace. And

you can still hold hands comfortably as you walk each

other home, as Ramdas says. So that's what I got for you today.

I hope, like I said earlier, it's been helpful in some way. I

hope some part of it has landed for you, or resonated with you,

or gave you some more insight. You know, the heartbeat of this

whole show is, you know, bringing together personal

stories and spiritual, universal spiritual principles in a way

that hopefully can just help us navigate this whole being human

experience with more grace and sense of humor and just self

awareness. Right? I always am just trying to spread a little

more love in the world. That's my goal with this. So, thank you

for being here. Thank you for listening. If you want to find

out what I'm up to, I always have stuff going on between

Right Club and my yoga classes and Thai yoga massage, Right Tai

Yoga body work, the Nest, my group coaching program, my one

to one work, hot to hot days, the Quest, all that stuff. You

can find it all on my website. So you can just go to

KarenKenney.com if you want to get this podcast right into your

inbox every Thursday, easy peasy, and you want to find out

like a heads up first because when you're on my list, my email

list in my little community, you always find out things first.

You can just sign up at karenkeney.com/slash sign up one

word easy peasy. All right, you guys, wherever you go, may you

leave the animals and the people and yourself and the planet and

the environment better than how you first found it. Wherever you

go, may you and your energy, your presence, your love, and

the pace that you are on your conveyor belt be a blessing.

Bye.