Season 7: Episode 176

Episode Overview

In this episode, host Wendy Green is joined by Ellen Belk, a leading expert in dementia care and a seasoned long-distance caregiver herself. Together, they delve into the complexities and challenges of taking care of aging parents from afar. Ellen shares her personal journey of managing her parents' healthcare needs across state lines, the importance of building a local support system, and the critical importance of being proactive.

Whether you're a current or future long-distance caregiver, this episode is packed with practical tips, heartwarming stories, and valuable resources to help you navigate the intricate path of eldercare with confidence and compassion.

Episode Highlights

**Ellen's Personal Story:** Ellen Belk delves into her transition into healthcare following 9/11 and her personal experience stepping into the role of a long-distance caregiver for her parents.

**Medical Access and Challenges:** The discussion touches on the critical aspect of accessing medical records and how you need to get clearance with every doctor your parent or relative uses, so you can get the information you will need.

**Building Local Support:** Ellen shares the struggle to build a support team in her parents' community, highlighting the lack of familial assistance and the valuable resource of Area Agencies on Aging.

**Practical Caregiving Tips:** Ellen imparts practical advice on elder care, emphasizing the importance of home safety, seeking outside services, and managing the emotional toll of caregiving.

Takeaways:

1. Home Safety: Inspect your elder's living environment for hazards and take measures to ensure it is safe and accessible.
2. Self-Care: Give yourself grace as a caregiver and be open to offloading tasks to professionals or outside services when necessary.
3. Proactiveness: It's essential to be proactive, whether in making safety adjustments in the home or handling legal and financial affairs before a crisis strikes.
4. Strong Support System: Having a support system is crucial - this might include professionals, community services, or understanding friends.

Links:

Keep In Mind, Inc: Ellen's website with dementia training and resources.

Email Ellen Belk

Carelink30

Road Scholar

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Email me, Wendy Green

**Become a Boomer Believer:** Join us each month for an intimate Zoom conversation with one of our guests. Sign up at https://buymeacoffee.com/heyboomer0413

Hello, and welcome to Hey Boomer. My name is Wendy Greene, and I am your host for Hey Boomer. And Hey Boomer is the podcast where we go beyond the surface, exploring the complexities of family relationships, maintaining our health, navigating caregiving, coping with divorce or widowhood, and embracing new relationships. It's the podcast that acknowledges the challenges and the opportunities that come with aging with a compassionate and realistic approach. So our show today is about long distance caregiving, but I don't really have experience with long distance caregiving. So I pulled together some from from some notes that I found on the Internet, an excerpt from a woman named Carolyn Shepherd that she wrote in the caregiver space. So some of what she said was, how can we be the most effective advocate for our family member when we're long distance? Do we have the practical knowledge regarding everything from where they do their banking to whether or not they have a do not resuscitate or a living will? Carolyn's own feelings of guilt from being away when she was needed was one of her biggest challenges. It was also excruciatingly difficult to leave her family members in a hospital, in nursing home, or in hospice care when it was time for her to return back home.

She tried her best to make what felt like a lose lose situation into a win win, but she said it forever felt like she had one foot in and one foot out when it came to being at home or being with her loved one. Like so many of us, she tried to be a hero at first. She took her role as caregiver very seriously, and she wanted to master the twists and turns and do it all by herself. And she learned the hard way this wasn't realistic. She felt she was bothering people when she needed support or simply wanted to rage about her frustrations. What helped her the most was accepting and understanding that her feelings were normal. She learned that taking breaks was necessary, warranted, and okay even when she couldn't be there. She checked in daily with family members and the staff caring for them, and her calls let those caring for her family know that she was concerned and vested in their well-being even when she wasn't there.

Our guest today, Ellen Belk, lived through a long distance caregiving experience with her father. This experience changed the trajectory of Ellen's career. There is so much that we can learn from her and that I know we're going to. So be sure to share your questions in the chat as they arise, and share this episode with your friends, anyone that you know who is a caregiver from a long distance or who may become a caregiver from a long distance.

Our topic today, long distance caregiving, is the perfect segue into our new sponsor, CareLink 360. So if you're a long distance caregiver and you wanna connect face to face with your loved one, the Digital Health Companion from CareLink 360 is a safe, secure, and easy to use device that fosters regular social interactions. In addition, and that this is part of why I got so excited about this product, CareLink 360 can provide over 400 health and wellness modules. They talk about things like the different disease states, the patient's interests.

They they have games that go along with their capabilities. They include tools for brain and body fitness, exercise programs, speech improvement skills, cognitive, physical, and occupational skill development. They also have reminders for medications, activities that are crucial for the well-being of your loved one. It's easy to set up. It's designed I love this part too. It's designed for the hearing and visually impaired, touchscreen navigation so they don't have to be afraid of the technology, and it operates in a safe, secure, private, and encrypted network. I bought one for my mom, and so I am excited to let you know more about their experiences with it as we start to use it. So go to MyCareLink360.com/ref/boomer to learn more.

And when you're ready to purchase, enter the word boomer, all in lowercase, at checkout to get an additional 5% off your purchase. I will put that link in the show notes.

And one more thing before I bring Ellen on, you know that Road Scholar is my favorite way to travel. Last year, I took an amazing trip with Road Scholar to Costa Rica, and then I took my youngest grandson on a windjammer cruise off the coast of Maine. It was fantastic. The food on every trip is amazing. The guides are so knowledgeable. Everything is taken care of.

I love love traveling with Road Scholar. This summer, we're going on a trip to Quebec, so I'll be glad to tell you all about that once we do that. They are the not for profit leader in educational travel for boomers and beyond, and they have travel opportunities to all 50 states and over 100 countries. So go to RoadScholar.org/heyboomer, and you gotta put the slash heyboomer so that they know that you heard about it from our show. Alright. Let me bring Ellen on and do a brief introduction. Hello, my friend. Hello.

So glad you could join us today.

I wanna go on a trip right now. After that, like

I know. You gotta come with us on the next trip.

That sounds like a great organization. Oh, excellent. Of course, CareLink 360 who I'm a fan of as well.

I know you know them too. Yeah. So Ellen Belk has 20 plus years of operational experience in senior housing as a holistic dementia expert, author, trainer, and influencer. And boy, is she an influencer. She has got so much information on her website and on LinkedIn. Ellen is a dynamic speaker, a recognized expert which is an online dementia education platform. She was a long distance caregiver for her dad, and now her mom is living close by, so she is what I guess I would call a close caregiver for her mom. So knowing better to share the challenges and tips for providing the best care possible when you don't live close by.

That would be you, miss Ellen. Oh, yes. So tell me how this journey started. I mean, you were not in this business when your dad got sick.

No. Well and actually, I always kind of, and I've written about where I where I kinda start with when I got the call, in 2000 in the year 2000. However, as I was getting ready and kinda ruminating about being on with your your tribe, I really started I was impacted in 1996. My dad needed to have a hip replacement in 1996. I was in the process of I was working in radio. I have a a radio background and I had been working, for many years in in the radio industry in Milwaukee, Wisconsin where I'm born and raised. And, but I got an I was leaving the Milwaukee market to come go to Charlotte, North Carolina to work in radio there. And my mom and dad were both they were, you know, I don't my dad wasn't even 70 at that point.

But they were both scheduled to kinda drive cross country. I was get with me. I was gonna drive the moving truck, but he couldn't. It had to turn it turned out to have to be my mom and I alone because my dad had that hip that that was the first surgery in 1996 was a full hip replacement, and so he just wasn't cleared by his doctor at that point to drive. So I didn't give it much thought. I was embarking onto this next new life. I went to Charlotte. I was working in media there, and I was there for about 13 months and I got an opportunity to then continue my career in New York.

But so but there was that first thing that really showed that I have an aging parent and and at that moment in in 96, it was like, oh, shoot. You know, plans have to be altered and dad can't come. But it really wasn't until, 2000. Now I'm living in New York for several years at this point and I get the phone call that, and I had just spoken to my mom and dad just a couple days earlier as we catch up. I'm I'm their youngest of 5. I'm the youngest child of 5. And I was always I was kinda raised as an only child, if I pray. My 4 older siblings were all boomers.

I'm an older gen xer. I'm a but I am a gen xer. So I'm younger than them, but, I'm not a millennial. So by any stretch. So so but so I was I you know, we're we were raised Catholic, so I was kinda like a Catholic oopsie. I came many, many I came, like, more than 11 years after the youngest that's above me and then the other 3 go up from there. So it really was I really was, when I was in 3rd grade, my older siblings were all in college. They were all out of the house.

So I really was raised like an only child, and I had a very, very different experience growing up than all these 4 that had to struggle and share everything. And it really and in my I was a latchkey kid. Mom went back to work. So all of that to say I had a very close relationship with my parents. And when I got that phone call, just a couple days after in 2000 that I just spoken to them 2 days earlier. They told me they had their bowling league. You know, they were going to their bowling league that night, the night that I was speaking to them. Well, 2 days later, I get a phone call that dad had been rushed to the, emergency room from a scheduled stress test.

We I did know that he was having a stress test 2 days after the the the bowling. You know, just was it's just like just trying to stay in charge of his health. Wasn't experiencing any issues, but he needed that. Ultimately, that resulted in a quintuple heart bypass surgery. Oh my god. So that I mean, Shazizzle got real at that point. And I'm in Long Island, New York. They're in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

My siblings were, I guess, they I wasn't super close with them even in my New York days, but they were in the general vicinity, but there wasn't really huge relationships at that point. So, honey, I'm on a I'm on a one way flight, as fast as I could get to it. I mean, I had to drop everything. And in those days, I was speaking for a living. I had to cancel 4 speaking engagements of that week. Yeah. With my income, you know, and so I you just don't think about it. But when I look back, it's like, oh, man.

That you know, it it impacted me financially, obviously, but you don't again, you don't think about that. And I ended up taking a one way flight at that point, and I was home in Milwaukee for 10 days. It turned and then I ended up booking the return. He, he he got, you know, cleared from the surgery. I took him to several post op appointments. I started to my mom was there but now at this point, you know, they're they're I think my mom was 80 and he was like 70 9. We're we're we're not we're not young any they're not young anymore. And and even the compression socks that he had to wear, she couldn't get them on at first.

So I it really in that in those moments, you're kind of on adrenaline. Yeah. But then when the dust clears, you realize, like, okay. Here we are. We're this is here we are. We're in it.

Okay. So I have to ask you. I mean, you were in radio. Right? You didn't have a health care background, and suddenly, you're doing this caregiving 10 days there and then wondering and worrying what you need to do. I mean, could you even be prepared? Like, what did you feel like you needed to know right away?

I gotta tell you in in that first you know, at this moment, I was just on adrenaline. Do you realize that in those 10 days I was home? And again, this isn't to bash, but I know you did talk about in your opening that there are family dynamics in you talk you talk about that on the show just in general. How whatever that looks like. Well, I never really thought I had family dynamics until I'm home in Wisconsin and I'm the only one that lives out of state and I'm there for 10 days and and it wasn't literally, Wendy, it wasn't until I got back to New York, you know, 10, 11 days later, and I realized, like, I never saw my siblings. My our dad just had quintuple heart bypass. I never saw them. So they knew I was in town. Yeah.

And it was interesting. I it didn't resonate at that moment that that had all happened and I was really alone. One of the things that I my mom and I into this day, my mom and I, we work well together. We have, we complement each other from a personal perspective. I am the mini me of my mom. So in that original instance, it was just like she and I all hands on deck and she was, of course, she was probably scared witless. You know, this is her husband of you know, ultimately, at the end of my dad's life, they were married 62 years. So we were, you know, we were on the front end of that in 2,000.

He he his his life journey ultimately ended in 2016 because so many other things. The caregiving just I there was that lax between 96 to 2000, but from 2000 to 2016, it was game on. Yeah. Just other things kept he ended up having from 2 1996, which I said was the hip replacement, to 2014. So there was a excuse me, 2010. Excuse me. 2010. There was in that 14 year time span, he had, he had 10 surgeries.

Ten surgeries from hip to another hip to aneurysm to the heart, obviously. Ten surgeries under full anesthetic. So I would there's a thing that I'd like to say to adult children. It's, you know, whatever the situation is as our older adults in our life, whether it's parents, grandparents, whoever it is, lovely amp that we love, whatever, as they start to have more and more under full anesthesia surgeries. Now just that's that's a thing. You can have, you know, local and all that, but I'm talking you're knocked out, you got anesthesia. That does it can. And in our instance, it absolutely did.

It can not bode well for you in the long run cognitively. Let I'll just leave it at that for right for right now.

Yeah. Yeah. So what did you I mean, you were leaving back to New York. What did you feel like you needed to know right away or get in place right away before you left?

Well, in, it will the food. The food had to change. So I did I we cream. And it always got them kind of a joke at how dad liked ice cream and so here we are. So I had to and I I and I when I look back, I did a lot of grocery shopping. We we reached that one of the post op appointments was with was his cart new cardiologist. Now he's got a cardiologist. So I met him in person, got all the, you know, we the other thing I will say, that if you're like me and you are you knew you're gonna get on a plane, I I did have the wherewithal to know that I needed to be on their I needed to be able to call.

I needed to get on dad's in debt and that doctor's office. They need to be able to give me information because I wasn't gonna be there all the time. I knew that instinctively weirdly. Who knows how? Now I wouldn't now I as a person on the inside, I've been on the inside of healthcare now. I would I recommend that to any adult child. Get the clearance at any doctor. I don't even care if it's a podiatrist that you know your loved one sees. Be sure that your name is on that end so that you can call and, they've they've got you listed as someone that can have their information.

Get information if you're not around. So I was able to do that, with this cardiologist, got to know the nurses in this visit. We had several appointments in that 10 days that I was there, at least 2. So so changing the food because he had given us a whole laundry list of stuff. And at this point, I think my mom was a little overwhelmed. You know, she was just trying to make sense of this. She was probably seeing what is this future gonna look like now. So there was still this was the first.

The hip replacement was a thing. Oh, right. Heart quintuple heart bypass surgery.

It's pretty serious.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it was getting the the the the diet, the food that at least, you know, that needed to be now present and then they get kind of organized on that and get to know the doctors. At least those immediate ones that he was dealing with predominantly at that moment. I get to know them and let them know this and we exchange, you know, I had my information. Fast forward to now here in 2024, now you have like portals. We are pretty not only am I been a long distance caregiver, but we are, in active active caregiving mode here between my husband and I.

Both of his parents, we're on and my mother, we are on the portal. That's how we call it here in the Carolinas. And so we have access to their medical records that we can actually see test results in real time. Back in the old days, do you know that those doctors were mailing me? They were blacking out my dad's name and and this information. And they were mailing I was you know, I have to wait, like, not what, 9 days or whatever to get it. But it was what it was at the time, and that's how we navigated it.

Right. But still to get on the portal, you'll still need the the permission. A

100%.

Yeah. So that's great advice. Thank you for that. So, you had mentioned to me that you also took time kinda making their home safe for them now that they're they were getting older. So what did you know about to do about that?

Well, the the the me coming home in 2000. So the surgery was in April and I was there, as I said, in April. And then I, I went back, obviously, after those 10 days. Well, I still was a citizen, so that was 2,000. I was still a citizen of New York on 9 11 of 2,001. And, I was in the broadcast industry. Our the show that I had been co hosting at that time in New York had been canceled, another side story, on Christmas Eve of of 2000. So on Christmas Eve, we're told this is your last night on the air.

Yay. So Merry Christmas to me. Merry Christmas. Right? Yeah. So I already was navigating that. Now I was I was still getting, you know, some compensation because I was under a contract. But that being said, when 911 happened, you know, several months later, I was unemployed a good I mean, I was always working. I was always a hustler, but I wasn't full time with benefits in any way for about 6 months when that, you know, that incident occurred.

It was then, Wendy, that I I transitioned. I had my moment. Like, this has been great. New York has been awesome. I have I was a fish to water there. Make no mistake. But it it also I had stuff going on at home, and now the world is collapsing. I needed to recalibrate.

So I did go back home to Wisconsin. I actually lived with my parents for a little while until I bought my condo. But I it was then Wendy that I transitioned into healthcare. There's a lot more to that. I didn't know what I didn't know. I just knew I didn't wanna go back in radio because my radio career had started in Milwaukee. And now I you know, when you work in New York, you kinda become

Yeah. Yeah.

Like, you know, I work anywhere else. I know that we have that, you know, probably that attribute. But that being said, it was bigger than that though. Life just felt really real to me for all the reasons just what was happening in my familial life, but also in the world environment. I lived through that and that was I was I was bruised. I've been in the city, so I was bruised. But anyway, that being said, I did land interestingly enough. Took a little while, but I ended up landing in a skilled nursing center.

I didn't know what I didn't know. I just needed to work. I and I did wanna go into health care. I I did. In my mind, I've been, you know, I'm a communicator. I was published in New York. I I just felt like, well, I can craft a message. I would make a great hospital spokesperson if I believed all that.

Yeah. Nobody believed that. So for months, I got PR, you know, interviews and marketing because, again, big personality, big voice, but, I I was just trying to land somewhere. And I ultimately landed in in, skilled nursing which then led to adult day, which then as I'm growing now in in Milwaukee, in health care, and I ended up landing, with Ascension Health. They weren't called Ascension then, but they are now. And I landed at one of their largest at that time, what we call a continuing care retirement community. Everything from independent houses on, like, acres of land to end of, you know, life nursing home and everything in between. Assisted living, memory support, and adult days.

So I I got a great opportunity in the 3 years that I worked there. So it was I tell you all of that because now I am back in Milwaukee. I am now in house senior living and I'm getting a foothold there. And it was with that job with Ascension, which is where I, picked a lane. I finally was picking a lane now and it was dementia. And so they they back in those days when they invested in your success, unlike, you know, our current climate, But I got I got, I was sent to continuing education credits because here again, I was this I was a college graduate, but I didn't know anything from anything about dementia or anything. Right. But they believed in me.

They believed that I was coming in with, you know, and I and I was starting to make inroads. I was having the creativeness. So this is where from a senior living perspective, I always tell my senior housing providers who have now turned in my clients, as a consultant. But don't turn your back on people that don't speak health care because so much so many of us as long there's some certain qualities that you can bring into the

Okay. So but let's get back to the long distance care. Right? The long distance care. So what do you need to do when you're not there? You're traveling back and forth. What do you need to do to make sure your parents are or your older sibling or aunts are getting the care they need?

Well, I did stay in Milwaukee for a couple 3 years. I was still about 45 minutes away, but ultimately I did move again. So 17 of my 24 years, it had been long distance. Let me just put it that way. There was a brief hiccup there while I was local with mom

and dad.

Okay? And so it was in that time that I was now in the industry. So when I then moved away coming back to the Carolinas, I'm he was in decent shape. We were in we ebbed and flowed. And I did move again, but things really started to get real again around 20202010, 2012. The last surgery was an aneurysm, a hernia a hernia surgery that turned into him having hallucinations in in the and and and they everything went sideways after that. So you're asking me so I mean, now I'm in the industry though. So I'm in the industry as I've now moved to the Carolinas and I'm working for major people. So I knew to start to build the team.

I do see someone in the, comments asking if the connection has improved with my siblings. Unfortunately, it has not. 2 of our 2 of my siblings have passed away. That happened during these years, and my 2 remaining, are still back in Wisconsin and, my mom has lives here now as of 2020 during the global pandemic. I moved her here. But to what what people need to know is I

Tell me about the team. Like, what kind of team did you need?

I because I wasn't having the familial support, I had to get to know, the players around. So for example, they lived in a condo at this point. My parents did. I had the I had the phone numbers and they had, like, a a roster of people that all lived in this condo. And and I there were 2 in particular, one on either side of my parents. I let them know, can I please have your phone numbers? I have your phone numbers. Mom's giving them to me, but I want you to know that because I'm in South Carolina, you're here and and they were all very aware of what was going on. So there came points where they were bringing food over to my mom and dad.

They took, in the when the COVID happened and my dad was gone and my mom was still there, the neighbors were taking the neighbors were taking her grocery shopping. So that went on for and Parkinson's at the age of 82. So we were and my mom was 83. We had I got I started to look at the service providers. I knew and we need to know that if it's an adult, spouse, elder spouse caring for another spouse, you guys, the statistics are very, very high that the intact caregiving spouse often passes away first because of the stress, because of the care duties. I was very panicked that ma now dad has dementia. Mom at 82 is caring for him and where is this gonna go? So I got you should always know about your area agency on aging. Area agency on aging.

There is one in every county in this country. It's it's it you look it up. You find the one that's closest. Just Google area agency on aging and the the ZIP code of where your loved one is. They can tell you about meal delivery, adult day service programs. At that time, they sent me a booklet so I had the whole binder. There was a car service which we actually had to use a couple years into this because we sent dad to an adult day that I found through the area agency on aging, and they'd had a car service that took her who took him there. So mom could at least get 6 hours of respite on the days that dad went to adult day, and they they forgive them at adult day.

Oh, really? Huge huge because the bathroom is another place where you don't want your loved ones to that's they're the highest risk of fall is there. So we were trying to I was trying to use it, build a team, of providers, of neighbors. I got to know all the new doctors and so I had them

and could

stay in touch with them and involved with them.

Yeah. And I see Maureen asking about elder care attorneys.

100%. Here's the deal on that. When I my dad was still with us, I started with financial planner. Very, very good question, Maureen. I started without financial planner because interestingly, my dad was the guy managing the the the finance, with, you know, finances. Right.

Not unusual.

We started there. It was going to tap into him. I just wanted them to hear Part of the thing is is I didn't want them you don't wanna make decisions in crisis. So there were I'm telling you that, yes, he was moving slower. Yes. There was a Parkinsonian diagnosis, but we he was still very able-bodied. We were still going to the grocery store. He would just use his walker.

So you want to put these things in place and make decisions proactively before you're in crisis because the crisis will come. So we did meet with financial planners. They had, we and and in doing so, you guys, in doing that, I got a sense of what the financial outlook was. So I knew what I started to get a peek behind the curtain as their youngest child, of proud, you know, silver, silent generation people who don't talk about money with their children. I at least had an idea of what we were working with. And then to Maureen's point, it was after my dad passed away. And so now that got in 2016, my mother who was 87 at the time now is a widow back in Wisconsin. And I'm still in South Carolina, so I still, for the next, 4 years was long distance with her when I was able to get her to get an elder law attorney, because now dad is no longer there.

We then and I knew I was gonna have some issues with my siblings and now there's only 3 of us left and I'm the one that's been heavy lifting for all these years. That elder law attorney thing was amazing because it mom was able when there's no crisis, she's still very healthy to this day. She was able to make her choices. What goes where? How does this look? How does this get divided? This is these are my wishes. I'm her power of attorney of both finance and health that she named her secondary cut and dry and that that's been a huge huge help, to have those things in place when you're not in a crisis situation.

Yeah. I think that is so important. So you've mentioned your mom a couple of times, and you got her to move closer to you. Was that a big challenge? Yeah. I mean, she's, from Milwaukee. She lived there all her life.

Born and raised. Born and raised in Milwaukee. She was holding the hand of my dad when he passed away. I was there as well. So we have that story. And I mean, I knew, like, after the funeral, I couldn't have the conversation Yeah.

Right.

That I want to because I knew and she again, so it was, to answer your question, dad passed away in July of July of 2016. It wasn't until the global pandemic that shut down the world. 4 years later, even though many conversations, some of which I did not handle well because I was highly emotional, I did not want us to be making long distance moving conversations in crisis. I was I've always tried to be proactive in all these years to try to get in front of issues before they become crisis. She Millie Millie, my now 95 year old mother, Millie wasn't having it back then. So it was when the world shut down. She had 2 remaining sibilant children within 20 miles. She didn't see them.

My her her neighbors who are also boomers, lovely, like I said, to this day, still in touch with them. They were taking her grocery shopping. They were helping. It's not that my one my siblings, you know, if they ever see this, they would not like this presentation of them. My brother helped but he never saw he would drop a grocery, like, twice or three times. He put the groceries outside of her door. So she's all I'm visualizing is visualizing is my 91 year old mom has to pick that up. I mean, it still wasn't ideal.

So all that to say, I get a phone call couple months into a couple maybe 6, 7 weeks into the pandemic is telling me, Ellen, I've sold my car to Carolyn, one of the neighbors. I'm ready to move. Okay. Now she has sold her car. So now clock is ticking because this is a woman that was still driving. Girl, and thank God my career began back there because I had to help facilitate the sale of this home with a realtor I had met back in those days who specialize in senior senior moves. I reached out to him. We had a Zoom meeting with them.

I he we signed him. I had to fly back home. We signed him. Mom got engaged with this realtor who specializes in senior moves. We had to start to get the house ready and voila, you know, she got 44 all cash offers on the 1st day. So by October, she was, moving and she relocated here October 12.

Well, I'm glad to hear that she's there with you, but, clarify or edify me. What does, it mean to be a senior move specialist? What do we have to think about with that?

Yeah. Well, the he's someone that I knew for so many years and he's not his particular company isn't exact. Senior move management. I know many more of them now. Even in my local market, they help facilitate the move so they can help pack your stuff up, they can order the trucks, they can get your, you know, get your stuff there. They kinda handle all the details. If you want some stuff to go to Goodwill or if you want some stuff to stay behind for a family member, that's what that part is. The gentleman that he did all that, but he also was a realtor.

He was he was so he had even a heightened he really helped us. I don't I mean, I'm sure there's senior move managers that have figured that out that that helps them too because then you are a one stop shop. So I have this benefit. He's back in Milwaukee, of this one stop shop where not only could he list my mother's house, but then he had the move managers that were on his staff and and so was we signed that contract. We were able to sell the house, pack the house, take stuff to donation. I mean, it it was and I that was happening. I that was happening while I was long distance. I can't

I can't imagine trying to downsize the house that she lived in for 60 years.

Well, she was in a condo now. They'd already moved, so this wasn't They had

downsized. Okay.

With them, but make no mistake. Make no mistake. It still wasn't easy to your point. Yes.

Yeah. I bet. So so when your dad got sick and all of this, did you know anything about the insurance industry and Medicare and Medicaid and what like, how did you go about getting some of that covered?

Well, they were on they so he through his job, they were already Medicare well into Medicare, you know, qualified, obviously. And he had a supplemental, which to this day, you know, I I'm her person now. So they have good insurance. They really did have good insurance. I didn't and they and and I'm blessed, my parents were able to private pay for things that, you know, they didn't, that weren't covered. If there was, like, you know, if there was such a thing.

Yeah. Because they probably didn't have long term care insurance.

They did not. They did not. Now I will tell you at the as we there came a point, while dad is still alive, I'm long distance, mom is there, there did come a point where we she knew that she needed it was too much for her and she and he was his journey was transitioning, and there was a point that she wanted she was decided to put him in a brand new. He was literally the 4th person that moved in there. Back in there where they lived, 2 miles from their home, just had been built, still had the new car smell and it was memory care only. So it was a it was a specific for his situation. He was the 4th person to move in there. He lasted 3 weeks and his life journey ended.

Yeah. And I was like I said, I was there. But that being said, that was private pay. And we were looking and this is 2016. We were already well into the 7,000 plus at that point for 3, you know, weeks. And and I was at so to your point, a, I knew they could afford that. I was now I now had a better picture of what was going on and but I knew this is where things got really tight, Wendy, because when you have 2 parents and mom is I mean, she was still doing water aerobics in the pandemic prior to the pandemic before she moved here. So she was able to rebound after those 4 years of heavy duty care living caregiving and she got her swagger back.

And but at that time, I'm trying to make decisions like, okay, this is a $72100 a month and I'm looking at their finance. How long can this go so that she can live and not be destitute when this is over? And that those were things that were happening in my head, and I was starting to try to figure out what that game plan would be like. But,

so so did you get assistance with that, Ellen? Did you get, like, financial assistance with figuring out how to manage that? Did you get emotional assistance for yourself? I mean, I guess I'm asking, as an adult child, what kind of help do we need to help us get through this?

I'm not the that yeah. To this day, my siblings have no idea how anything got paid for or are they happy. So I don't have, I I how how I can answer that is number 1, you re really do need to have some sort of a picture. And I know these things are overwhelming. The one thing I will say you have to also know is I'm in this business too. So not only am I a child dealing with it, but on the professionally, I'm the operator helping other families move into our buildings that I'm involved with. Mhmm. So I I I have the insight and the knowledge of what what it takes.

Now does it still mean it's not and my mom, true story, my mom is a former accountant so she's good with numbers too. And then there came a point, especially after dad's passing, and as we were prepared to sell her home, she just opened the books and let me have at it. So so it really I manage my own our own household budget. And again, there there was in our situation, I'm very blessed, there was money that, I mean, it's not gonna be indefinite. We're not million bajillionaires. But they had they had squirreled away enough that mom is, you know

So when you get people coming to you that are, you know, dealing with their parents and their health care and their move and all. Like, what would be 2 or 3 pieces of advice that you would give to them as they're starting this journey?

Number 1, to what you said before and and to my philosophy, you you have to have the team. I know people are gonna get worked up about the fact that too bad my team doesn't come from my immediate family. Make no mistake. I have shed many tears about that along the journey. But now I'm so many years into it and quite frankly, my husband said something at one point. You know what? You gotta get over that they're not on your team because quite frankly, when they are on the team, it sets us back many steps. And so I have found a way to move on. With that being said, you still have to have your team.

If you are blessed enough, it could be your sister, your cousin down the block, your grandma, or whatever. Whoever it can be, neighbors, clergy, women from the women's group, whatever the team looks like. There's no one size fits all. Your team has to work for you. So you have to know that you can't do it alone. When mom was alone back in Wisconsin, I did encourage her to get a housekeeper. She had that was another bridge too far. She wanna do it, but she did agree to it for once a month.

I was getting baby steps with her because, again, there was things that was happening that she needed some help with as we got closer to her moving here. Yeah. So get your team in place, number 1. Number 2, absolutely proactively think about, be proactive. Try to be 2 steps ahead. You made reference to the the the the safeguarding of the home. When my dad was still alive and my mom was his caregiver back in that condo back in Wisconsin, and he had a shuffle gait and was walking now with a rollator, the rolling, you know, walker. That bear rug in the family room had to go.

The the the rug in the entryway, it was a little pile, but still his walker could get stuck on that coming over the lip of the door. All things that seem so, like, simple. You cannot believe if you are hearing me and you start to think about fall trip hazards, too much clutter, too much spoiled food. If you start to eliminate and and and get in front of where you're starting to see, oh, they're getting up in the overnight multiple times to go to the bathroom. Let's make sure there's motion lights so that when dad got out of bed, that motion light popped on and he had a pathway to the bathroom. Something so simple, you are really extending the life of of a success, especially of movement for your loved ones in your home, whatever their situation is, Whether there could be diabetes, obesity, whatever it is that could cause some problems. Now they're shrinking because of osteoporosis, but everything I have to reach to top top shelves, let's move that stuff down. Let's reconfigure.

Try to look at the space where your elders are living with a very discerning eye and look for all the hazards. You don't want them to happen, but you're trying to figure out what I'm talking about. So that's number 2. Try to make their existing living environment as safe as possible so they can stay there safely as long as possible. And number 3, give yourself some grace. Give your to your point with the woman you talked about on the front end and everyone wants to do it all. You have to you're gonna have to offload some stuff. You're gonna have to pay.

You have to be okay paying if you can. And and there are, you know, there are there are if you if finances are enabled, there are ways around that as well. But you're gonna need outside services.

Yeah. And June reminds us that the, area on age what is it? Area agency on

on aging. Yeah.

On aging. Very helpful, at least, as far as resources that they can provide.

Yeah. No. I swear by them. I swear.

Yeah. So this has been very helpful. And, if you wanna know more about what Ellen is doing with the dementia training and and, educational resources that she has. You can find all of that on her website, KeepInMindInc.com, which I will also put in the show notes. And she also said you can email her at Ellen.Belk@keepinmindinc.com. And and, yes, June, she did, mention that, anesthesia seems to be a real concern for seniors, particularly as we get older and older, the impact of that. So, yeah, Ellen, this has been great. I have appreciated all of the comments that everybody has shared with us.

So many takeaways. I'm gonna have to, work on pulling all of this together to make it, so people can find all of this so much so much. Thank you so much. Let me remind you about our new sponsor, MyCareLink 360, and, you can find all of the things that they offer by going to MyCareLink360.com/ref/boomer, and then enter the word boomer, all in lowercase, at checkout to get 5% off of that. And, also, please, when you're thinking about travel, go check out Road Scholar. Go to roadscholar.org/heyboomer, and plan your next trip. Alright. So next week, we've been talking about caregiving for the last 4 weeks, I think it is.

Really, really been helpful, impactful conversations. I appreciate all the guests we've had on. Next week, we're shifting gears a little bit, and we're gonna talk about how things change in our relationships as we get older, particularly around some of the longer term relationships. So next week, we're gonna start that series by talking about, something we probably don't want to think about, but gray divorce seems to be do you know that means divorce for people over 55, 60 seems to be on the rise. And so I contacted a woman, doctor Eleanor Robin, who is an expertise in the area of personal and professional relationship conflict. She is also a divorce mediator, which means you can actually have a friendly divorce, low conflict divorce. So I'm looking forward to introducing you to her and some of the ways that you might resolve conflict and maybe not even get to the divorce. That's what we hope.

Okay. So each episode of Hey Boomer is an invitation to listen, learn, and apply the wisdom gained from the episode to your own life. The path ahead may not always be easy as Ellen was describing, but it's traveled best with support and shared insights. Ellen, thank you so much. My name is Wendy Green. I am your host for Hey Boomer, and the music at the front end was written and performed by my grandson, who is a student at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts. See you next week.