In this week's episode of The Autism Mums Podcast we're going back to basics and talking about what autism actually is.

We cover what autism is and what it isn't, why the word 'spectrum' is so widely misunderstood, and what it can feel like to hear that word applied to your child for the first time. We also get into some of the phrases that drive every autism parent quietly up the wall and why they matter more than people realise.

Key Takeaways

• Autism is a neurodevelopmental difference - it's about how the brain develops and processes information. It's present from birth and it's lifelong.
• The spectrum isn't a straight line. It's more like a colour spectrum - a profile of different strengths, challenges, sensitivities, and support needs that looks different in every person.
• Social communication differences don't mean autistic people don't want connection. They mean they may communicate and connect differently.
• Repetitive behaviours, strong special interests, a need for predictability, and sensory differences are all part of how autism can present and they can look very different from one child to the next.
• Autism can co-occur with anxiety, ADHD, or learning disabilities but autism itself is a neurotype, not an illness.
• 'We're all a little bit autistic' is well-meaning but misleading. Being autistic means having a distinct, lifelong neurological framework and phrases like this risk minimising the real challenges many autistic people and their families face.
• 'They don't look autistic.' What people often can't see is the masking, the mental exhaustion, and the cost of holding it together.
• A diagnosis can bring fear and grief but also relief and validation. Many parents describe a shift from panic to advocacy — from 'what is this?' to 'what can I do?'
• Support needs vary widely and can change across different life stages. What works in primary school may not be enough in secondary. Support isn't static.

Mentioned in This Episode

National Autistic Society -www.autism.org.uk

Autistic UK www.autisticuk.org

NHS - Autism overview and diagnosis pathways: www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism

Connect with The Autism Mums

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What is Autism?

Victoria Bennion: In this episode We're going back to basics. We're going to talk about what is autism

Natalie Tealdi: If you're a parent listening, especially early on in your journey, you might have been given a diagnosis or a leaflet or maybe a short appointment, and then sent home thinking, "But what does this mean?"

Victoria Bennion: Autism or autism spectrum condition is a neurodevelopmental difference. This means it's about how the brain develops and processes information. It's present from early development, even if it isn't recognized straight away

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, it's not caused by parenting, it's not caused by trauma, it's not caused by vaccines, and it's not something a child catches.

It's a naturally occurring variation in human neurology

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, and it's lifelong. Autistic children grow into autistic adults. It's not something that needs to be cured. It's just something that needs to be understood

Victoria Bennion: No, it's a spectrum in the way that color's a spectrum. It's not a sliding scale, it's a profile. So different people have different combination of strengths, challenges, sensitivities, and support needs

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, so one child might struggle with speech but have incredible pattern recognition. Another might be highly verbal but struggle deeply with anxiety and sensory overwhelm

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, both are autistic. Neither is more or less autistic . so three of our children have autism diagnosis, and they all look really different

Victoria Bennion: Yes, so did I.

Natalie Tealdi: because that's not how he presents

Victoria Bennion: Yes, absolutely. And that's why I think it's worth having these conversations

Natalie Tealdi: Definitely.

Victoria Bennion: Autism is generally understood through two core areas, differences in social communication and interaction, and differences in restrictive, repetitive, intense patterns of behavior, interests, or sensory processing.

Natalie Tealdi: So social communication differences don't mean autistic people don't want connection. They mean they may communicate and connect differently.

aren't they?

Victoria Bennion: Yes, 100%. I didn't realize I used so many of them either. I remember the first time I realized one of my children didn't understand what I was saying when I said, "I'm just dishing up." And they said, "I don't even know what you mean." And it was the first time that I realized a lot of what I said was clearly very confusing

Natalie Tealdi: and it's only sort of I get asked questions about what I'm trying to actually say, and I think, "Oh my goodness." When they were younger, it must have been so confusing because they weren't able at that point to ask me. I'm just spouting out all these strange things. They they didn't have a clue, poor things.

Yeah, a bit more mindful about what words I use, or I try to, but a lot of it's real habit, isn't it? You have to sort of train yourself to speak

differently

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, you definitely do. How about struggling with small talk? 'Cause that's another one.

Natalie Tealdi: I think it's seen as kind of pointless. It's a strange one, isn't it? Again, it's a bit more of our, uh, culture,

isn't it?

Victoria Bennion: Yes, absolutely. Whereas some autistic people prefer direct communication, and they can find group dynamics confusing. I know one of my children, as they've got older, actually prefers a lot more one-on-one time. They have friends, but they'd rather see them one at a time

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. I think for some it can take quite a lot of energy if there's more than one person to concentrate on. It can be quite tiring.

And also there's the needing time to process conversations as well. I know that's something my child definitely struggles with.

Natalie Tealdi: the thing is it's it's difference, it's not

deficit

Victoria Bennion: Absolutely.

Natalie Tealdi: and the second area includes things like repetitive movements such as stimming. I know we have that with my child. There's lots of different stimming going on with, um, like throat clearing or making specific sounds repeatedly. Do yours?

Victoria Bennion: One of my children likes to collapse and uncollapse a footstool

on repeat. Very loudly. Um, And also vocal stimming

Natalie Tealdi: and then there's strong special interests as well.

Victoria Bennion: Mm-hmm

Natalie Tealdi: My child does have strong special

interests,

Victoria Bennion: I remember when one of them was snails.

Natalie Tealdi: Oh gosh, that was not my favorite one.

Natalie Tealdi: I actually loved that though because it was used in a way to communicate

with other people, that's just a way of accessing being sociable, isn't it?

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, and both of mine have a real need for predictability,

Natalie Tealdi: Oh gosh, yes, definitely. We like our routines

Victoria Bennion: , And that looks like knowing what's happening, If we're going somewhere, how long are we gonna be there for? Who's going to be there? When are we coming home? And they can get really distressed at unexpected changes

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, I actually was really brave this weekend and changed the furniture around in my lounge only slightly, but I was aware that it would cause some distress. So I did warn my child before they came into room, and actually they dealt with it really well, but they did voice it. They did say, "This is something that I find really hard."

Victoria Bennion: You're taking me back to our childhood.

Do you remember if mom moved the furniture around,

Natalie Tealdi: dad.

Victoria Bennion: would absolutely go mad when he came in, wouldn't he? He'd be so upset

Natalie Tealdi: He couldn't bear to be in the room, bless him.

Now I feel really bad for him 'cause we understand it a bit

more.

But yes, my child's very similar to their

grandfather

Victoria Bennion: Talking of which, deep focus on particular topics, , is also one of these patterns. , And I think we've certainly seen it with our dad, haven't we, over the years?

He was certainly one of the youngest referees locally, about 15, he learnt the rule book and I remember him saying that he went up to this panel and he had to be tested on all the questions, and he knew them. And he's always had massive deep focus on particular interests, hasn't he?

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, I agree with

you

Natalie Tealdi: I wish I had that.

Victoria Bennion: So let's talk about the autistic brain. Research shows that the autistic brain processes information differently

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, so these differences can be in sensory processing, in filtering information, in pattern recognition, and in social cognition

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, many autistic people describe experiencing the world as more intense, more detailed, less filtered, more overwhelming, and sometimes under-stimulating. It's not about having broken wiring, it's about having different wiring

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, I don't know if you've heard the phrase of, it's like a Mac computer versus a PC computer. It's just a, like a different operating system. I always found that one quite a helpful,

Victoria Bennion: I like that. I'd not heard it, but I like that. How about sensory differences

that we struggle with

Victoria Bennion: Light, sound

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah.

Victoria Bennion: busy, all those things

We've covered a bit about what autism is. What about what it's not?

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. So it's not a behavioral disorder or a mental illness or a phase , or a result of poor boundaries

Victoria Bennion: Something caused by screens.

A complete tragedy

Natalie Tealdi: No, definitely not. And it can co-occur with anxiety, ADHD, learning disabilities, or mental health challenges. But autism itself is not a mental illness

Natalie Tealdi: anxiety,

Victoria Bennion: being autistic means actually having a distinct lifelong neurological framework

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, and that's very different

Victoria Bennion: is very different. In the same way that when you hear the phrase, "Oh, we're all on the spectrum," and it can come from a well-meaning place to try to make somebody who's neurodivergent feel less isolated, but it's so misleading

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, definitely

Victoria Bennion: It runs the risk really of minimizing the real disabling challenges that many autistic people face

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, definitely. And there's another phrase that I think almost every parent of an autistic child has heard at some point, which is, "They don't look autistic."

Victoria Bennion: 100%, 100%. And it's usually said kindly, like reassuringly, but it-

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, but they don't realize how that lands, do they?

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, exactly. People carry an outdated image in their heads, often of a child who doesn't speak, who avoids eye contact, who is rocking in the corner. But autism doesn't have one face, it doesn't have one presentation, and it certainly doesn't have one look

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, and I think also sometimes what people are seeing when they say this is they're seeing masking

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, definitely. Yeah. They're they're seeing a version of a child who's working really incredibly hard to appear

okay

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, the rehearsed social scripts, forced eye contact, copying of peers, silence instead of saying, "I'm totally overwhelmed." What they're not seeing here is the cost

Natalie Tealdi: No, they're not seeing the mental exhaustion that it takes and the sensory overload that they're suppressing, the meltdown that might happen at home later, the anxiety that builds quietly inside

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, and I think that phrase reveals something about how we understand disability

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, it does. We're very comfortable validating visible disabilities

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, definitely. Like, If a child has a broken leg, no one questions the crutches, But, But when it's neurological, when it's sensory, cognitive, social, people look for proof.

Victoria Bennion: Yeah,

And-

unfortunately if they can't see it, they doubt it. They don't look autistic can quickly turn into, "Oh, they seem fine. They're coping. Maybe it's just behavior." " maybe they just need firmer boundaries." And that's really where the harm starts, isn't it?

Natalie Tealdi: Oh yeah, definitely.

Victoria Bennion: So- When it comes to diagnosis, some children are diagnosed early, and for some people it's much later, sometimes even into adulthood

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, that's right

do you remember what it was like when you first heard the word autism applied to your child? It can be quite emotional

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, I think at first I was quite shocked 'cause I, like I said earlier, I had this quite fixed idea of what it was, and I just... And they didn't fit into that But actually, when I started learning more about it, I realized, "Oh, yes." And I think I was just worried , for them because I knew that their life was gonna be a bit more challenging than than I thought, and that was my first thought really,

And once I realized this, I certainly felt relief, and I think it's just a very emotional, it's so many emotions, isn't it? As, as you've talked about, there's fear. There can be grief for what you thought your child's path might look like.

And also, once the time we got to the actual getting the diagnosis, again, it was relief, and it was also validation. Like, okay

to then get your child what they need, get the support that they need, which is really helpful. Because when you're in that state of not really knowing what it is, it could be this, it could be that, and you're just kinda being bounced around, aren't you?

And they're suffering and struggling and and you don't really know what you're doing. But to have that diagnosis, that does make

all the difference

Victoria Bennion: It really does, and you quickly move from panic to advocacy, from why, what is this, to right, what can I do? How can I support my child?

Natalie Tealdi: It can be quite empowering as a parent, can't it,

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, Autism does bring strengths. So an autistic person can have deep focus, creative thinking, honesty, passion, loyalty, attention to detail, and you may find a strong sense of justice.

That's certainly apparent in our home.

Victoria Bennion: Yeah. It isn't defined by intelligence. Support needs can vary widely. Some autistic people do need 24-hour care. Some live independently. Many fall somewhere in between

Natalie Tealdi: And support needs can change across different life stages. A child who copes well in primary school might struggle in secondary. An adult who masks at work might collapse at home, but support isn't static

So support might include sensory accommodations, predictability, clear communication, emotional validation, reduced social pressure, and advocacy in school.

Victoria Bennion: Many autistic adults describe autism as not something they have, like I have autism, but as something they are, I am autistic. There's ongoing discussion around identity-first language versus person-first language

Victoria Bennion: if you're listening and your child has just been diagnosed,

Your child is still your child. This isn't something to fear, it's just something to learn about, Thank you so much for listening to the Autism Mum's podcast.

Take care of yourself and each other