Shownotes
What if you're not actually healed...
What if you've simply become really good at surviving?
In this episode of Tammy's Takes, trauma-informed coach Tammy Vincent explores one of the most powerful lessons from her recent conversation with bestselling author Janice Erlbaum.
Although Janice's story of leaving home at just fifteen years old is extraordinary, the way her nervous system adapted isn't uncommon at all.
Many adult children of dysfunctional families learned to become hypervigilant, people-pleasing, perfectionistic, emotionally disconnected, or constantly "on" simply because those behaviors once helped them survive.
The problem?
Our bodies often continue living by those same rules long after the danger has passed.
In this episode, Tammy walks you through five powerful signs your nervous system may still feel unsafe and explains why healing isn't about becoming someone new—it's about teaching your body that it's finally safe to rest.
In this episode you'll discover:
• Why surviving and healing are not the same thing
• Five signs your nervous system may still be living in survival mode
• Why you struggle to relax even when life is calm
• The surprising reason you read everyone else's emotions but ignore your own
• Why so many adult children constantly second-guess themselves
• How hypervigilance affects sleep, anxiety, and overall health
• Why true healing begins when your body finally believes it's safe
If you've ever wondered why you're successful on the outside but still feel exhausted, anxious, disconnected, or stuck on the inside, this episode will help you understand what's really happening beneath the surface.
Healing isn't about forgetting your past.
It's about helping your nervous system realize that your past is finally over.
🎧 Inspired By
This episode was inspired by Tammy's conversation with bestselling author Janice Erlbaum, whose remarkable story of surviving childhood abuse and homelessness reminds us that while our stories may be different, our nervous systems often learn the same survival strategies.
Be sure to listen to Tammy's full interview with Janice on the Adult Child of Dysfunction Podcast.
❤️ READY TO STOP SURVIVING?
If today's episode felt like I was describing your life, maybe that's your sign.
You don't have to keep living in survival mode.
As a trauma-informed coach, I help adult children of dysfunctional families understand their nervous system, rebuild self-trust, and create lasting emotional healing.
I'd love to invite you to schedule a Complimentary Clarity & Calm Call where we'll explore your story, identify the patterns that may be keeping you stuck, and create practical next steps toward healing.
👉 Book your complimentary call here:
https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/clarity-and-calm-call
I would love to support you on your healing journey.
Transcripts
Welcome back to another episode of Tammy's
Takes where we take powerful conversations
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:and turn them into practical strategies
that you can use right here, right now.
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:So this week, I had the privilege of
interviewing someone very special.
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:She's a best-selling author,
Janice Erlbaum, and what she talked
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:about was absolutely incredible.
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:Her story was amazing.
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:She left home at just 15 years old.
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:She made an impossible decision to leave
an abusive home with nowhere to go.
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:And as I listened to her story, I couldn't
help but stop and think about something.
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:Yeah, her story's unique.
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:, Many of us have bad things that happen
But what isn't unique, what is very
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:common to all of us, is the way her
nervous system learned to survive.
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:Maybe you didn't leave
home when you were 15.
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:Maybe you never experienced living
on the streets or being homeless, but
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:you, if you grew up in a dysfunctional
family, your nervous system probably
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:learned the very same lessons.
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:That was to stay small, stay safe,
stay alert, be hypervigilant.
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:That is what we learned, and
it stays in our nervous system.
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:Guys, it stays there until
you physically release it.
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:So the problem is now your body
might still be living by those rules
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:today, and you don't even realize it.
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:Today I wanna ask you a question.
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:Are you surviving or are
you actually healing?
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:Because they're not the same thing.
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:Let me show you what I mean.
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:I'm actually gonna show you five different
examples of how you might be feeling
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:and showing up in the world even though
you think that you have gotten over
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:all the stuff and dealt with all the
stuff and healed from all the stuff.
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:These are five signs that your
nervous system still feels unsafe.
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:Number one, you can't relax
even when nothing is wrong.
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:You ever sit down at the end of the
day only to immediately start thinking
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:about everything you should be doing?
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:Maybe you feel guilty resting.
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:You start doom scrolling.
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:You start cleaning.
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:You start moving.
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:You start making another list of all
the things you have to do, and you tell
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:yourself you're just being productive.
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:But what if your body simply doesn't
know how to feel safe when it's still?
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:It might be that your childhood
taught you that you always had to
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:be ready, so your nervous system
may believe that rest is dangerous.
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:That's number one.
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:Number two, you're always reading everyone
else, but you stopped reading yourself.
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:You walk into a room, literally,
and I have it happen all the time.
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:You walk into a room, within seconds
you can tell the mood, who's upset,
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:who's happy, who's uncomfortable,
who's having a great day.
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:You literally have become an expert
at reading everybody else's emotions.
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:But then someone asks you, and they might
just say, "Tammy, how are you doing?"
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:And you honestly don't know.
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:You don't know because growing up, knowing
how everyone else felt kept you safe.
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:Nobody ever asked you to ask
the question of yourself.
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:Number three, you constantly
second-guess yourself.
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:You make a decision, and then you ask
three people if you made the right one.
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:You replay the conversations.
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:You wonder if you offended someone.
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:You worry you made a mistake.
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:You're constantly overthinking it.
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:You don't even trust your own
instincts anymore, honestly.
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:And it's not because you're
incapable, - it's because somewhere
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:along the way you learned that
trusting yourself wasn't safe.
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:Maybe when you tried to say something,
you were constantly criticized, or
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:maybe your feelings were dismissed.
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:Maybe you were told you were
too sensitive, or you were just
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:too much, ? So eventually, you
stop believing in yourself.
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:You stop - trusting that judgment.
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:You stop learning how to be
human and feel what you wanna
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:feel, and knowing that it's okay.
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:Number four, you are absolutely exhausted,
but you can't shut your brain off.
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:Your body is tired, but my
friends, your mind is not.
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:You finally crawl into bed, and
then suddenly your brain decides
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:it's the perfect time to solve every
single problem that you've ever had.
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:So you replay the conversations.
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:You imagine all these
worst-case scenarios.
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:You're waking up at 3:00 in the
morning already anxious, and
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:it's not because you're broken.
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:It's because your nervous system has
spent years believing, "If I stay alert,
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:maybe I can prevent the next bad thing."
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:Guys, that is so detrimental
to your health in general.
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:When you are sleeping is when your
body is supposed to be resting,
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:and digesting, and healing, and
repairing, and if all it's doing is
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:pumping out cortisol and adrenaline
because you're so hypervigilant, you
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:don't ever get the rest you deserve.
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:I found that out the hard
way when I had a stroke.
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:And let me tell you something.
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:Now, it is number one priority of
mine to make sure that before I go to
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:sleep, my mind is calm, my protein's
right, , that my body is ready to go
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:into rest and digest as it's meant to do.
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:And lastly, number five, you look
successful, but you don't feel peaceful.
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:This is so many of the
people that I deal with.
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:They have a great career.
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:They've r- raised amazing kids.
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:Everyone tells you how strong
you are, but inside you're tired.
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:You're overwhelmed.
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:You don't know who you are unless
you're taking care of someone else.
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:You don't remember the last
time you truly felt calm.
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:Think about that.
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:When is the last time you
truly felt a sense of peace?
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:Because honestly, s- what happens
is surviving becomes your identity.
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:So as long as you are surviving and
nothing is going catastrophically
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:wrong, you think that is calm.
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:You think that is peace.
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:But true peace and true calm
is a totally different feeling.
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:, What happens a lot of times is you
look incredibly successful, while
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:underneath there's still a scared child.
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:It's that little child, that
five-year-old, that six-year-old,
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:that seven-year-old still - stuck
inside of you, and that is
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:what you're carrying around.
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:So if any of these resonated with you,
you're not alone, and - you're not broken.
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:In fact, honestly, what it means
is that your nervous system did
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:exactly what it was designed to do.
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:It protected you.
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:It adapted.
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:It helped you survive.
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:But that was then, and
this is now, my friends.
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:Healing isn't about
becoming someone different.
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:It's about stopping that
feeling of being on alert.
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:It's about feeling like
you can be yourself again.
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:It's about your body actually calming
down enough to say, "Hey, it's okay.
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:We got this.
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:We're safe now."
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:Because life isn't perfect.
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:Life is gonna throw you
curve balls all day long.
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:But now you need to know, and
you need to understand, and your
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:body needs to understand you
are no longer a powerless child.
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:You are an adult now.
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:You get to make your different choices.
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:You get to make the decisions.
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:You get to create the
healthy relationships.
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:You get to set boundaries
and actually stick to them.
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:And most importantly, my friends,
you get to trust yourself.
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:So when you start doing this
little by little, your nervous
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:system starts believing you.
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:It starts believing you, and then
you start to act differently.
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:You start to show up
differently in the world.
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:So if Janice's story touched your
heart, I encourage you to go back and
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:listen to the full conversation on
Adult Child of Dysfunction podcast.
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:Her courage and honesty are
incredibly inspiring, and I think
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:you'll walk away feeling less alone.
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:And if today's episode felt
like I was describing your
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:life, maybe that's your sign.
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:Maybe it's your time to stop surviving and
start healing, start thriving, and I would
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:love to help you take that next step.
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:So I do offer a complimentary clarity
and calm call where we explore your
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:story, identify the patterns that may
be keeping you stuck, and we create
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:practical next steps towards healing.
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:You can book your free call . using
the link in the show notes.
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:But until next time, I want
you to remember this: You
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:survived because you had to.
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:Now it's time to start learning
how to live because you deserve to.
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:Guys, I will see you back next
week, and love you dearly,
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:and hope to talk to you soon.
