Let's face it: After 25 years of marriage, you don't just lose a spouse—you lose the entire identity you built around being someone's wife.

Gray divorce hits different. You're not divorcing in your 20s with your whole life ahead of you. You're sitting in midlife with decades of "supposed to" crumbling around you, asking: Who the hell am I now?

Nanette Murphy knows. Her world collapsed after 25 years. Divorce wasn't part of the plan. It felt like the ground disappeared beneath her. She sat in silence, in sadness, by herself for two years—thinking she was hiding it, but everyone knew something was wrong.

Here's the thing: Nobody prepares you for gray divorce. Not for the grief (yes, grief—even if you want the divorce). Not for the financial landmines. Not for the identity crisis that shows up when you realize you've spent decades being who you thought you should be instead of who you actually are.

This episode exposes what nobody tells you: Your attorney is not your therapist (that's expensive coaching). Keeping the marital home is usually a terrible idea. Divorce coaches exist and you should hire one first. And speaking your truth, admitting you're not okay, is the only way through.

Nanette turned her breakdown into a calling. Now she's the coach helping women over 40 navigate gray divorce, reclaim their identity, and design a second act that's actually theirs.

You're not alone. Your people are here. This is your reckoning.

IS THIS EPISODE FOR YOU?

Listen if you're:

✓ Sitting in a long marriage wondering if you can survive three more years of pretending everything's fine

✓ Contemplating divorce after 20+ years but terrified of losing your identity, financial security, and the life you built

✓ Already in the divorce process feeling completely overwhelmed by attorneys, finances, and everyone's opinions

✓ Asking "Who am I without this role?" after decades of being someone's wife, someone's mom, someone's everything

✓ High achiever in your 40s/50s navigating gray divorce and realizing your attorney bills are astronomical because you're using them as a therapist

✓ Wondering if you're allowed to grieve a marriage you chose to leave

✓ Stuck on whether to keep the marital home or start fresh (spoiler: Nanette has strong opinions)

✓ Exhausted from hiding your crumbling marriage from everyone while maintaining the facade that everything's perfect

✓ Ready to hear from someone who's been through gray divorce and came out the other side with actual wisdom (not just theory)

✓ Curious about what divorce coaches do and why hiring one before hiring an attorney might save you thousands

This is for you if you're a woman navigating (or considering) gray divorce and you're ready to stop pretending, get financially prepared, and rebuild your identity from the ground up.

 WHAT GETS EXPOSED

💣 The "successful marriage secretly falling apart" pattern—and why you're not alone in sitting in silence for years while everyone assumes you're fine

💣 Why your attorney is not your emotional support—and how using them as a therapist is costing you hundreds per hour for expensive crying sessions

💣 The marital home trap nobody warns you about—it's only worth more if you sell it; until then it's a money pit draining your divorce settlement

💣 The grief of gray divorce—even if you want the divorce, you're grieving the identity, the life you built, the person you thought you'd be forever (and yes, you're allowed to feel that)

💣 The financial preparation blindspot—you need to figure out your mortgage, your living expenses, and your next 10-20 years BEFORE the divorce is final (not after)

💣 Why divorce coaches exist—and why hiring one first (before the attorney) can save you money, sanity, and years of spinning your wheels

💣 The power of speaking your truth—that heavy weight you're carrying in silence? It lifts the moment you admit out loud that you're not okay

BURKE BOMBS

💣 "I view divorce as a death. Grieve it. Grieve it."

💣 "If you're sitting there crying and hysterical for 30 minutes in your attorney's office.  That's an expensive 30 minutes of crying!"

💣 "Life really does begin at 40 because until then you are just doing research."

💣 "Speaking up and sharing your story is not shameful. It's powerful and empowering."

💣 "The breakdown isn't the problem. Sitting in silence for two more years pretending you're fine is."

QUESTIONS ANSWERED IN THIS EPISODE

What is gray divorce and why does it hit differently?

Gray divorce is divorce after a long marriage—typically 25+ years, often in your 40s, 50s, or beyond. It hits differently because you've built an entire identity around being someone's spouse. You're not just losing a partner—you're losing the life you built, the person you thought you'd be, and decades of "this is who I am." The identity crisis is real. The grief is real. And it's okay to feel both even if you're the one who chose to leave.

Jump to: [03:38] for the identity crisis conversation

Should I keep the marital home after divorce?

Nanette's take: No. Start fresh. The house has memories—good and bad. It's where you built a life that no longer exists. Beyond the emotional weight, there's the financial reality: Can you actually afford it? The mortgage, the maintenance, the taxes? Just because your ex is "letting" you keep the house doesn't mean it's a gift. Until you sell it, it's a money pit. And staying in that space makes it harder to move on—you don't realize how many heartstrings are tied there.

Jump to: [08:44] for the marital home conversation

What's the first thing I should do if I'm considering divorce?

Hire a divorce coach BEFORE you hire an attorney. Your attorney is not there for emotional support—that's expensive therapy. A divorce coach helps you process the emotions, prepare financially, understand what's coming, and get yourself ready for the journey. Then hire a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Advisor) to plan out your finances for the next 10-20 years. THEN hire an attorney who will stay in their lane: the legal work. This team approach makes the process smoother, less expensive, and way less emotionally draining.

Jump to: [10:17] for what nobody tells you about divorce preparation

Is it normal to feel grief during divorce—even if I want the divorce?

Absolutely. Grief is one of the most unexpected emotions in divorce. You're grieving the life you built, the person you thought you'd be, the future you imagined. Even if you want the divorce, even if it's the right decision—you're still grieving a death. And you might feel ashamed admitting it, like you're being disrespectful to people who lost spouses to actual death. But grief is grief. It's normal. It's necessary. And you're allowed to feel it.

Jump to: [05:06] for the divorce as death conversation

CONVERSATION BREAKDOWN WITH TIMESTAMPS

[00:00] - The uncomfortable reality: After 25 years, the ground disappears—who are you without this role?

[01:14] - The awakening moment: When the pain shifted from "this is destroying me" to "this is revealing who I actually am"

[01:52] - The 2020 catalyst: Netflix binging aside, discovering divorce coaching exists (and changing everything)

[03:00] - Burke insight: Life unfolds the way it's meant to—not the way you think it "should"

[03:38] - Identity crisis after gray divorce: "Who am I without being someone's wife for 25 years?"

[04:13] - The falling apart question: Is rock bottom necessary? (Spoiler: Sometimes yes)

[04:54] - Michelle drops truth bomb: "I view divorce as a death. Grieve it. Grieve it."

[05:27] - Nanette's unexpected emotion: Grief—and why she felt ashamed admitting divorce felt like a death

[06:21] - Healing is active: You can't just sit there waiting—layers upon layers (artichoke, not onion)

[06:56] - Financial blindspots: What women don't prepare for (and what blindsides them)

[08:03] - The marital home trap: Can you actually afford it? "It's only worth more if you sell it—until then it's a money pit"

[09:29] - Starting fresh vs. staying stuck: Why moving out of the marital home is freeing (even when it's terrifying)

[10:17] - What nobody tells you: Divorce coaches exist—and you should call them BEFORE the attorney

[10:38] - CDFA explained: Certified Divorce Financial Advisors plan your next 10-20 years (not just the divorce)

[11:23] - Attorney billing reality: 8 minutes = billed hour. "That's an expensive 30 minutes of crying!"

[11:50] - Nanette's advocacy: Not for divorce—for knowledge, preparation, and support

[12:31] - Client story: When emotional work is done first, attorneys can actually do their job (without the breakdown)

[13:03] - Michelle on attorney costs: Stop having mental breakdowns in your attorney's office—they're billing by the hour

[13:32] - CDFA recommendation: Hiring the right team makes divorce less expensive (not more)

[14:05] - Reframing divorce: Not failure—evolution (and how to let go of the shame story)

[14:46] - Client transformation: "I didn't see possibilities. Now I see they're endless."

[15:47] - Self-care isn't selfish: If you're not running on a full tank, how can you do anything for anyone?

[17:00] - The stuck clients: "I can only encourage and guide—I can't get you off the couch"

[17:29] - Reality check: You are the creator of your life (and that's a hard pill to swallow)

[18:15] - Permission to make mistakes: Try it. If it doesn't work, try something else.

[18:56] - Age mindset shift: You're never too old—you can do anything at any age

[19:16] - Favorite quote: "Life really does begin at 40 because until then you are just doing research"

[19:55] - Asking for help isn't weakness—it's courage (and we've been conditioned to believe otherwise)

[20:21] - Speaking your truth: The heavy weight lifts the moment you admit you're not okay

[21:04] - Michelle's wisdom: This goes for anything in life with shame, embarrassment, or guilt—not just divorce

[21:38] - When you speak your truth: You can finally breathe. You can heal. You can grow.

[22:42] - Michelle's mom's divorce journals: The power of writing through the mess

[23:36] - Nanette's journal: Created specifically for women preparing for divorce (with daily prompts because blank pages are daunting)

[24:18] - Golden nugget: Don't rush it. Take time to prepare. Reach out to a coach. Interview them. Find your person.

[25:08] - Where to find Nanette Murphy: Live Life Now With Purpose / Second Act podcast

[25:38] - Michelle's closing: You've made this delicate, taboo topic digestible and shame-free

ABOUT MICHELLE BURKE

Michelle Burke is the bestselling author of Hot Mess Magic, keynote speaker, and host of Hot Mess Magic podcast.

She doesn't do curated advice or toxic positivity. She tells the truth that gut-punches you awake.

Hot Mess Magic was born from the fire—the breakdowns, the unraveling, the full-blown identity crises. The kind that crack you open and refuse to let you go back to who you were.

This isn't self-help. It's self-trust.

Connect with Michelle:

📧 Newsletter: https://michelleaburke.substack.com/

📱 Instagram: @michelleaburke

🌐 Instagram: @hotmessmagicmedia

📖 Book: Hot Mess Magic

Work with Michelle:

💬 Expansion Sessions (one-on-one guidance for trusting yourself again. Only 20 spots available till Jan. 31, 2026)

🎤 Speaking

ABOUT THE GUEST

Nanette Murphy is a divorce coach, author, and podcast host who walked through the fire of gray divorce after 25 years of marriage.

Her authority doesn't come from studying divorce—it comes from living it. The two years of sitting in silence while her marriage crumbled. The grief she didn't expect. The expensive attorney bills because she didn't know divorce coaches existed. The struggle to admit it felt like a death without feeling like she was dishonoring people who lost spouses to actual death.

After her world collapsed, Nanette rebuilt. At 55+. She got certified as a life coach, became a health coach, wrote a book, discovered divorce coaching was a thing—and realized this is why it all happened. Not to break her, but to prepare her to help others.

Now she's the coach helping women over 40 navigate gray divorce with knowledge, preparation, and emotional support. She's an advocate for hiring the right team (coach first, CDFA second, attorney third) so women don't make the expensive mistakes she did.

Nanette's not theorizing about gray divorce—she's got the receipts. Just celebrated her 60th birthday with no desire to slow down.

Connect with Nanette Murphy: 

🌐 Website: www.livelifenowwithpurpose.com 

🎙️ Podcast: Second Act: Navigating Grey Divorce (all major streaming platforms)

KEY REALIZATIONS FROM THIS EPISODE

On gray divorce as identity crisis: "When you've basically built a whole identity around being someone's wife for 25 plus years and that ends—there's this terrifying question: who am I without this role?" - Michelle

On grief as unexpected emotion: "Grief was one emotion that I didn't anticipate. Anger, absolutely. Sadness, the depression, all of that. But grief was very challenging for me because it came out of nowhere and I felt like, am I the only one feeling this?" - Nanette

On divorce as death: "I view divorce as a death. And it's a death. Grieve it. Grieve it." - Michelle

On expensive attorney sessions: "If you're completely relying on an attorney to take apart your finances, help you and let you vent to them, it's just costing you more money. That's expensive coaching and therapy." - Nanette

On the marital home trap: "It's all really nice that he gave you the one that's worth more, but it's only worth more if you sell it. Until you sell it, it's a money pit." - Nanette

On speaking your truth: "When you share your story and you're honest, that heavy weight gets lifted and that is when you can start really on that journey of admitting things aren't good, working through it, healing and then ultimately growing." - Nanette

On life beginning at 40: "Life really does begin at 40 because until then you are just doing research. When I heard that quote I was just like, my gosh, my life makes sense now." - Nanette

On asking for help: "When you just speak your truth and not try to hide and try to put forward a happy face when you are crushed inside—that is not healthy. You're not going to move forward and heal if you just keep it all inside." - Nanette

THE UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH NOBODY'S SAYING

You can have 25 years of marriage, the house, the kids, the "perfect" life—and still be dying inside.

Gray divorce isn't about failed marriages. It's about the moment you realize you've spent decades being who you thought you should be instead of who you actually are. And when that ground disappears beneath you, you're left with the most terrifying question: Who am I without this role?

The breakdown isn't the problem. Sitting in silence for two more years pretending you're fine is.

Nanette sat in sadness by herself for two years—thinking she was hiding it, but everyone knew something was wrong. The moment she admitted it out loud? She could breathe. That heavy weight lifted. Not because the divorce got easier, but because she stopped carrying the shame of pretending.

Divorce is a death. And you're allowed to grieve it—even if you're the one who left.

You're not grieving the person. You're grieving the identity, the life you built, the future you imagined, the decades of "this is who I am." Grief shows up uninvited—anger you expect, sadness you expect, but grief? That one blindsides you. And yes, you can feel disrespectful admitting it feels like a death when others lost spouses to actual death. But grief is grief. It's normal. It's necessary.

And here's what nobody prepares you for: Your attorney is not your therapist.

That "expensive 30 minutes of crying" in your attorney's office? They're billing you. Every email, every venting session, every "I just need to talk through this"—that's not what they're there for. Hire a divorce coach first. Process the emotions. Get financially prepared. Understand what's coming. THEN hire your attorney to do the legal work—not hold your hand through the breakdown.

The marital home? It's probably a trap.

"But this is where I raised my kids. This is my home." Can you afford it? The mortgage, the maintenance, the taxes, the memories, the heartache? It's only worth more if you sell it. Until then, it's a money pit draining your settlement. And staying in that space—surrounded by the ghosts of who you used to be—makes it nearly impossible to become who you're meant to be next.

Do it scared. Do it messy. But take your time to prepare.

Gray divorce after 40, 50, 60—it's not the end. It's the research phase finally paying off. Life begins when you stop living everyone else's version of who you should be and start designing a second act that's actually yours.

You're not broken. You never were. You just forgot that starting over is allowed at any age.

Your people are here. This is your reckoning. Yet.

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