As we approach Valentine's Day and my upcoming series on radical self-love, you are getting a love letter from two life coaches that I recently recorded on accident. What you’ll hear today is a conversation between me and my coach and friend, Kristin Lafontaine, as we talked about what it means to heal yourself from pain, how to regulate your emotions and process hard things. 

We are two life coaches, two mamas who have been through the ringer…and two people who love you. ❤️

Even if I don't know you, I care about you. I think about you. You are important to me. I want to be a voice of hope and support for you on your journey towards deeper well-being.

The upcoming “radical self-love” series is meant to help you:

• Be kinder to yourself
• Make friends with your thoughts and feelings
• Notice patterns and strategies that are no longer serving you
• Make small decisions to change those patterns

Get a sneak peek in today’s episode, and come back next week as the series kicks off.

You’ll Learn:

• How loving yourself and deciding to change can happen at the same time
• A new way to think about “past you”
• Why trusting all stages of yourself is so important
• The 3 words I love to add onto difficult feelings or circumstances

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Welcome back to become a calm mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlene Childress.

And today on the podcast, you are getting a

love letter from two life coaches that

we ended up recording on accident. I was

chatting with my coach and friend, Kristin Lafontaine,

about just this concept of self love and this

series that I'm gonna put out over the next couple of weeks, all

about self healing and what it means to heal yourself from

pain and how to regulate your emotions and process hard things.

And I just wanted to talk to her about some of the concepts that I

was working with, and I decided to record the conversation so I'd have it

for myself. And and when I went back to listen to it, I

realized there were so many beautiful things in here

about self love. And since Valentine's Day is

tomorrow and this is being released on the February 13,

I wanted to give this to you as a love letter

from two life coaches and two mamas

who've been through the ringer and to

people who love you. Even if I don't know you, I

care about you. I think about you. I think about all the mamas that

listen to this podcast. And I've talked with Kristen over the

last several years about how important you are to me

and this podcast and my work and

your pain and the things that you're going through and your hardships.

And, you know, I really wanna be a voice of hope for you

and support you on your journey towards just deeper

well-being, whether that be in marriage or parenting or

your own self esteem self worth all of it. So

think of this as an introduction to the radical self love

series that is starting next week and enjoy

our conversation. Yeah. Do you have a

picture of who it's for? Like, is that clear for you? I think

it's for the person who has a

lot of concepts, like, kinda knows some things about self

help, like, kinda understands that their

thoughts create their feelings or

knows that they need to journal or meditate,

has read some books, but still feels

like it hasn't come together for them. Like, they're not making

progress to move forward, and they're still kind of feeling stuck

in pain cycles or

Yeah. Yeah. Like, I wanna be happy. I wanna have peace. I

wanna be calm, and yet

I can't quite get there. Yeah. So I have to create, like, a

I don't know, a process or a path or I don't

know, a little bit more. I read these books too, and I'm like, okay. Wow.

And I just, like, wanna find mhmm. Yeah. I've told you

this, but, like, when I first read doctor Shefali's book

Mhmm. I was so mad because she was like, you just need to be present

with your kids. Mhmm. And it's like, I intellectually knew, like,

what she was talking about, but I was like, I have no idea how to

get there. Like, how to embody this, like, peaceful version of

myself. Yes. You know? And then it kinda makes you feel bad

because you Yeah. It's inaccessible.

Yeah. Like, you're like, oh, I'm I know what I'm supposed to do. I don't

know how to do it, and I'm just stuck. I just feel

like you can get stuck in feeling bad about yourself. And

Mhmm. It's not I think it's a lack of skill,

not a character defect or any sort of problem, like

Right. With the person. Just don't think we have skills. I mean, I think

about that with parenting. Like, you don't know how to set a limit because

you don't know how to set a limit. Right. It's

not because you're a bad parent or yeah. Sometimes kids don't listen or you're

not firm enough or, you know, you're Mhmm. Too permissive.

You're too strict. I mean, you go through all those,

symptoms because you don't have the actual skill or

tool. And then, you know Mhmm. The limit setting

formula that I teach is, like, well, there could

be other versions of it. But you're like, oh, okay. I kinda get what I'm

supposed to say and do. And Yes. Same

for compassion. Like, be just be kind and, like, empathize with them.

Okay. But What is what is that yeah. Yeah.

You're sad, and then we're like, I'm sad, and they're like,

we don't know what to do about it all. So,

yeah, I feel like Right. In parenting, there's some skills,

gaps. You know? And then also then in

self healing, there's gaps, and I kinda wanna fill them.

Yeah. What if, like, you're so good at, creating, like, the

scripts? You're really that's was so helpful for me,

bridging the gaps. Even if you're, like, robotically, like, you know, it looks like

you're feeling mad. Like, I was just, like, remember the script. Mhmm. And

that's helpful because before, I was like, I don't even know what to say. Like,

none of the examples in the book apply to me. So

now what? Mhmm. But, like, it's almost like if you

gave someone a script for, like, what to do and you're, like, you have some

level of self awareness, but now you're judging that. Like, what do you do with

that judgment? This is the script. Mhmm. This is the

process. Do this first, then try this.

Yes. Uh-huh. I was, like, writing this out where

I was like, k. Where does it start? I've always said it

starts with awareness. You, like, observe

yourself, like Mhmm. Almost a form

of attunement, Like, we talk about with our kids or compassion with

our kids. Being a witness of

yourself, that compassionate witness Mhmm.

Concept as, like, observing

your behavior, observing your thoughts, observing your

body, how it feels, observing your emotions, how you would

describe them, and being really just aware. I wrote

notice notice body, notice thoughts, notice feelings, notice actions.

It's kinda like the the clothing ban or the shopping ban. It's like, if I

just continuously go and do the same

behaviors and I'm not getting a little bit

curious about why or even what I'm doing,

then I won't know if that pattern is serving me or not.

Mhmm. Yes. So I guess that's, like, part of it is the evaluation

of the pattern. Not evaluating from a judgment, not assuming it's

wrong. Like, for neutral to

curious. Like, what's this about? What are

these this negative thoughts spiral? What is it, you know,

what how is it serving you, and is it serving you?

So it's like you're aware of it, and then

I think of it as, like, this is what I wrote. I actually did this

already in my head, I guess. I wrote get curious. So you're

aware, and then what is that called when you're like, it's

not evaluating, but it's inquiry. Or Yep. I don't know what that

do you know what it's called? I always think of it as just self awareness.

It's not very clear because it's like, what does that even mean? Yeah. Inquiry

evaluation. Yeah. I think of it at like, I picture in my mind just

a magnifying glass as though I was observing like a blade of grass. It's like,

I wouldn't think have any judgment about a blade of grass, but I'm looking at

it very closely and just, like, noticing, like, the edges and the colors

and the veins in it and how it's moving. Like, that's

what I picture in my mind, but I don't know how words for it.

Yeah. I guess that's that observation. Mhmm.

Neutrally observing the patterns or the

whatever it is that you're seeing, and I think of that as

awareness. But then what do you do with it? Like, so say you're a

person who's like, I love I love talking about eating

because I feel like it's so simple. Like, it you know? Mhmm.

It's like, I am eating a lot of a chocolate chip

cookie. Yeah. What's that about? Yep. What's that

about? I don't know. Like, it just kind of so gentle,

so loving, like, deep, deep compassionate.

And compassion is really just, like, bringing awareness

to the emotional state of the thing. Right? Like,

what's driving this behavior? What's underneath it? Where is this coming from?

Like, what's your why? So getting

curious, and and I just brainstormed

the tools I use when I notice

something. And it's like the five whys. You know?

Like, why do you do that? Because it tastes

good. Why does it taste good? You know?

Mhmm. Feels really good and yummy in my mouth. Why do you think you need

that? I guess, I I go to different types of whys. Like, why

does it bring you pleasure? And then I kind of evaluate it.

Not evaluate it. It's no more. But, like, why are you seeking pleasure?

Is that the best way for is that That's Is that why you why do

you like that type of pleasure? Is there another way you can experience

pleasure? Mhmm. Are

you using this to avoid something else?

Is this a way to bypass emotion? Or

we both have the phrase buffer, and I think of it as creating

space between me and my feeling. So I have strategies that I

can use that create that buffer zone, that no man's

land between me, my core self, and my

negative emotion. Yep. That part is you're like, why do

I why do I want that brings you to you could ask in

another way, like, what happened earlier? Like, what Mhmm. Do you

think, like, prom prompted me acting this way

whether earlier today or this week or this month?

Like, why why now? Like, why this right now?

Yeah. Yeah. I think about that when I do a

restriction, not from a negative, like, scarcity place, but

I like to create challenges for myself where that

go to thing isn't available. Because then I get to

watch the urge of, like, why do I want it? What

what's happening right now that I'm either

wanting to get out of, to create more of, to

like, I think about with alcohol. I've done a few different times when I've

taken long breaks. And always,

like, for curiosity, not necessarily because I'm

gonna, like, cleanse or whatever. Like, it's more

what's this urge? Sometimes it's to relax.

Yeah. Oh, this is a cue to me that I am done and I get

to relax. So having that or

to process stress. Oh, this is a thing I'm doing

because I've had a stressful experience, and I want

to create some distance from it or relax a little bit. Right?

Not relax like chill out and have a drink. I'm like,

I'm uncomfortable and let me numb for a bit.

Yeah. Other times, I wanna celebrate. Like, it

creates a feeling of a party

to have a drink and, like, oh, let's it's a Friday night. You know?

Or, like, woo hoo. You did a great thing. So it's

not always this negative avoidance, but then I when

the thing I can't do the thing because I made it up in my head.

I I have to be a little curious of, like, well, how else can I

create the feeling of celebration? How else if I wanna numb, how else

could I numb? Could I walk? Could I watch television or whatever?

Or do it in a TV band and then seeing what happens there. Like, why

do I watch television? Or, like, why do I show up? I think

sometimes creating that boundary, you push

up against it and you find out a lot of stuff.

Sure. Mhmm. That's really good. I love that. Like, what can I,

replace it with? I wonder where do you,

because I don't think you really deal with this, but, like, where do you fit,

like, self judgment in? Because all self judgment for

me comes in at all of those places. Yeah. So the I'm

buffering. I shouldn't I should buffer zero. So it's like

all buffering is bad, you know? So I'm judging myself for

whatever, watching Netflix, but then I need to, like, eliminate it

completely instead of, you know, the compassionate person is like, well, I don't know.

Maybe maybe I do just do that, but then I only do it for thirty

minutes and then I buffer another way. You know? Like, none of it's bad. Like

but it's just like the judgment will obviously, like, solidify

everything and make you not go any farther.

Yeah. I think that part of it for me is,

I don't I don't think buffering is wrong. I think at my

core, I've just decided probably that, like,

any adaptive or maladaptive strategy

that I use is

necessary or was created for a necessity at a certain

point. Maybe it doesn't serve me anymore, but maybe I needed it at a certain

point. Or it's my best

wisdom at the time because I don't know any better.

Mhmm. It's the only thing I can do at that time because I

the pain is so intense. I've gotta take care of myself. And I

think it came from deeply believing

feelings drive behavior, feelings drive behavior, feelings drive behavior. I'm having so much

compassion for my children teaching myself

that their behavior is never wrong,

which is insane because it does create

problems and it hurts others and it hurts them and it hurts me,

but that's a strategy that they're using to communicate or

cope with a feeling or circumstance.

Mhmm. It's almost like that's your manifesto. Like, if you can't

really move on unless you have these this premise

Mhmm. To come back to. Mhmm. If you inherently

think you're kinda messing it all up, you're doing

it wrong, even these exercises, you'll always come back

to that. Like, I should be different. I should be better.

Yeah. When it's like, none of it's a problem. It's all just

a strategy, and you came by all of it honestly. And

sometimes that was, like, the best decision. Like, what if it's actually the

best you did amazing. Like, you're it's great.

Yeah. You didn't know better or it was so

easy or it was work it worked? Yeah.

Yeah. Because I have I have maladaptive strategies that

are socially wonderful. Yeah. That's right

for me. Uh-huh. You know, like, I am

extremely organized. Kevin is way more organized than me,

so it's not quite fair to say that because you saw my desk right now.

It's not organized. But, I have, like, a

lot of order. I create a lot of order, and

it looks very beautiful. Like, it's very disciplined. It's

very rhythmic. I have a lot of systems

in place. Those are really good things,

and they're easy to admire. And sometimes, that's

over productivity and it's anxiety at work for me. And

my role is to be less ordered

and more flow and more relaxed, which then some

people would look at that and they would think of themselves like I'm a hot

mess. Yeah. I know.

So it I just don't I just think everybody's strategy

is, fine. Mhmm. Yeah.

So I think I'm glad you brought that up because

yeah. When you notice it I mean, that's where so I have these concepts. Like,

radical listening and radical honesty

are part of this awareness thing. Like, I'm willing

to be very honest with myself. Like

Yeah. To a cuckoo pants degree

because maybe because I have then radical compassion.

I have taught myself that I am

trustworthy. Mhmm. Yep. It's

safe to be honest with yourself because you're not gonna

freak out or judge yourself or beat yourself up. It's totally safe.

Yeah. I'm not gonna be mean to you to me. Yeah. Like

Mhmm. I am, of course, sometimes mean to

me. But then I remember, oh, we don't do that

anymore. Mhmm. Maybe that's a big part of self

healing is, like, it's a conversation between you and you.

And Right. A lot of times, it's a conversation between your

I think of it like your core self or the training that I have received

was, like, your essential self. Like Mhmm. Who you are

outside of your strategies, who you are outside of your pain, who you are

outside of your anxiety, and

that that's your core self, and then you have all these

kind of other parts of you

that are really when you're in pain, they're either

there to, soothe you. They're there to

protect you. They're there to keep you safe.

Yeah. And making friends with those, I mean, that's

what Internal Family Systems is about. It's like making

friends with those parts of yourself

Mhmm. And getting really loving and curious. Like,

okay. What's this about, girl? Mhmm. That

yeah. You're right. It has to be at the core. That's why I call that's

why I'm calling this the radical self love series because

these are, like, to me

like, I unabashedly love myself, and

that's Mhmm. Real weird to say. Yeah.

I said it. But you couldn't be as honest with yourself or

even, like, I think when you can be

radically loving and accepting of yourself, it makes it so much easier to, like,

parent and be friends and be in relationship with

others. Mhmm. Because you're not gonna judge those parts of

them that you see in yourself too. Yeah. It's like, oh, you're so

cute. You know? Or whatever. Like, I just think

I I'm like, I get what I want.

With Tiffany's daughter Yeah. The inner son used to say that, I get what I

want. And whenever we both are trying to practice,

like, be leaning into ourselves, we're like, I

get what I want.

Like, I I have things that I work on, like, to tell

myself that I'm good enough, I'm okay, I'm lovable, I'm worthy.

Those mantras really are important.

Like Mhmm. Self forgiveness, self love. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. I think your whatever that you present,

like, needs that needs to be foundational. Mhmm.

So how do we do that? I think it's a decision.

I remember when Brooke taught like, I just decided I'd stop doing that, and

then it's a practice. And it could be many different practices,

mantras, redeciding, you know, when you find

yourself caught on a spiral. No. No. No. Remember, this is what

I believe about myself. None of it is wrong. So I think it's maybe, like,

believing a core set of new beliefs about yourself and reminding yourself.

It's like the practice of coming back to that. Yeah. Yeah.

But you have to buy into it. You have to believe it. Right? It just

and it's not it doesn't have to be that complicated. It can just be a

choice. Mm-mm. Yeah. I'd it has to start with a choice. You

can't because you can't get it from anyone else. So just because if you don't

decide for yourself, but you just practice the things, I think it's kind of like

a roundabout way. You have to decide, okay, from today on, like, I'm not gonna

talk to myself like that anymore. Like, I'm I'm I'm not that's not me.

Yeah. I remember doing this, like, exercise or whatever

where you take pictures of yourself in your bathing suit and

then look at those pictures and say loving

and kind things to yourself.

Yeah. And I I have those pictures in

my phone, and it was very difficult to do

that. You know? But it was, like,

a decision that I just I'm not gonna be mean to myself

anymore. I'm just not I'm not gonna be mean to

me. I think that inner child work can be helpful there, I

guess. Like, I coming to

to kind of who that little girl is inside of you,

and, would you say that to her?

Mhmm. Sometimes I access it that way. A lot of times I access

it through friends. Like, would I say that to my friend? Like like, people

I love Right. Early. Like, would I ever I just

think that being kind and

loving to ourselves is, yeah, a choice. And I

think we can be radically honest as well in love.

Like, I can decide that doesn't work for me anymore. I've

grown out of that. Or I don't really like that part of myself

or that that behavior. Like, it's not serving me anymore. Like,

I can love myself through the decision to

change. Yeah. And do you think that's like, what is the outcome

you want people to have by the end of

the series? It's good that we're doing this, and I have actually

written this down. Goal, be kinder to

yourself. Make friends with your thoughts and feelings.

Notice maladaptive patterns and strategies. Make small

decisions that influence those patterns. That's what I want. I

love it. Mhmm. So when I think about, like, breaking

it down into steps, you know, I've been working on

this, trying to create the same same thing that

I have for parenting for self healing. Right? Like, a

four step process, or whatever steps. I don't know how names

are. But I have, like, this radical honesty,

radical listening, radical compassion, radical action, radical trust, radical

acceptance as in that's not the order. But

all of these things, so being honest, listening to

yourself and being honest, they go together, having compassion,

trusting yourself. Well, accepting your

behavior. I you know, it's like this deep it's this is where I'm at

right now, and that's okay. Mhmm. And

then taking action and then trust, how

does that come up for me? I think about I think about trust in a

couple different ways. Like, present me, if I'm

in today and I'm constantly judging my

past behavior and being mean to past

me and saying you shouldn't have done that and having tons of regret and tons

of remorse and tons of judgment, and I'm in

today, then my

today mean me deep down knows that future

me is gonna think present me is real shitty too.

Yep. So I wanna love past

me. Any decision I've made, whether it

was this this morning or

three months ago or three years ago, ten years ago, twenty years

ago. Like, whatever I did then was

because of my pain that was needing

soothing or the best strategy I could come up with or like, I'm

so loving to the past person. Yeah.

So that I trust that the present me, that

future me will do the same for me now, and that then I kinda go

like, okay. Sometimes I ask, like, what does

future me want me to do right now? So I think about

my physical body right now. I'm turning 50 this

year. So I'm thinking about, like, what does

70 year old or 80 year old me

want me to do right now? Like, what would what wisdom would she offer to

me? And Mhmm.

Just so that I'd, like, hook her up. Like, I wanna set future

Darlene up for some, like, whatever it is that she wants.

And Yeah. So then future me has to trust present

me, and present me has to trust past me. And I

that we're always doing our best, and, like, we have each other's back. I

don't know if it's too esoteric, but what what are your thoughts?

I've I remember the first time I taught the future self-concept to

our team and Gus was like, they won't get it at all. Like

nobody will understand it, but they all loved it and they really resonate with

it. And I think people understand that there's different versions and that

we're con I think people also understand that they're judging

their past self, you know, and then that kind of fractures that relationship

that you have with the future. Mhmm. And that comes up so often. I

think that's a really excellent concept. Mhmm.

Yeah. It's like,

let trust I also think about trust, like, I don't

know. Like, I I I guess it goes back to love, but,

like, I trust that I'm doing my best. I trust

that I am committed to my goals. Whatever they are, I'm

gonna keep at it. I trust, like, if I make a

mistake, I'm gonna reset and go back.

Yeah. I trust that I can handle pain if I make if

I hurt if I get hurt. I'll be nice to myself. Mhmm.

Yeah. And even I'll be nice to myself even when I'm not, like,

progressing, if I just stay the same or even

slide or regress, like, I'll still be like, that's okay

too. That's normal and human and

good. Mhmm. Fine. It's not always having to be

pressure for your future self or, you know, pressure to be a

certain way. Yeah. That's what I liked about this year, how

I set up my New Year's resolutions was, like, anchoring and

what if nothing's wrong. Like, what if it's all

good? That's another thing just to be like, why are you gonna

work so hard at fixing yourself? Like, what if you came from the Yeah.

Position of, like, I'm good right now? We don't need to be

so hard on ourselves, and I think that goes back to that love piece. A

friend of mine was like, I watch a lot of TV. I'm gonna do a

TV. No TV for whatever it is. And I was

like, I wonder if I should do that. You know? It's, like, kind of

a an interesting idea. But a lot of times we hear other people what they're

doing, we're like, oh, I was supposed to do that. Like

Yeah. Right? Right. And now we're adding that to our list.

Yeah. Another thing to judge myself by.

So sometimes I'll I'll spend a lot of time, like, considering.

Like, I'm thinking about maybe,

changing my relationship to consumerism. And I kind

of try it on and explore it a little bit. Like, is it is

this the pattern I want to get rid of or change or challenge,

or is it fine? Am I in a fix it,

change it, stop it, solve it energy? Or am I is this

genuine, or am I just looking for a problem to solve? So

Sure. Create a little rule so then I have something to, like, give myself

an attaboy Right. And give myself an attagirl right now.

Sure. Call it a day. But I think you're can yeah. Like, you're

considering is coming from the play the premise that, like, what if

nothing is wrong? Like, what if I don't need to change and I'm good enough

right now? And so then that gives you the space to not

have to add anything to your plate or work on all the things at once

and get really curious about it. Mhmm. Mhmm.

I think it helps you stay standing still in the moment

when you can just assume nothing's wrong.

Because then you don't need to rush to the future or judge your past

for where you're at. Yeah. Everything else keeps you

very busy. It's so true. And it's like I

think that happens to parents a lot. Say you get an email from the

school, and it's just

you know? It's like something is wrong. The future is

very catastrophic. Yeah. It's like an emergency,

and you are, yeah, solving for something that

hasn't happened, like a future problem. It's not that like, you got an email because

that's the thing. Let's figure it out. Right. Or you go into, like, oh my

god. I shouldn't ever put them in the school or it

Mhmm. It's so not here now.

Yep. Slowing that down to

Mhmm. So where do you think that tool is or that

skill set? Because that's like being present. Right? That's the whole concept,

you think? Yeah. I mean, it oof. It's like deep

radical acceptance. Right? Like, what if none of this is wrong?

What if the school's not wrong? What if I'm not wrong? And what if my

kid's not wrong? But, like, maybe there's something to learn here. You know?

Maybe there's some strategies that everyone

in this situation, we wanna get curious about.

Mhmm. You know? How they approach it, how my kid is approaching whatever they're

doing. Mhmm. How I'm approaching it. Like, it really

is you have to decide, I'm not broken.

My kid's not broken. Nothing's broken here.

Mhmm. Yeah. So if I'm thinking about talking

about this stuff in an orderly

fashion I know. It feels like

I'm starting with just the concept of radical self

love and then talking about

acceptance. Mhmm. Maybe someone's like, okay. I

have this thing that happens that kinda activates me.

How do I like, what is acceptance in that moment? You know what I mean?

Like, how do you The thing exists. You can't get to full ex yeah. Yeah.

I just think it happened. I just think the thing happened.

Like Yeah. This is what it is. Like, I think about this a

lot. Like, I was saying to somebody recently, I was coaching them, and I was

like, you are currently married to a person who has high anxiety.

Like, but I don't want to. I don't want him to. And I was

like, but he does. Right. Your kid

acted this way. He got an email. That's just happened.

I think there is something about that piece that's here

underneath some of this is like Mhmm. I guess that's, like,

circumstances are neutral. I think that's a very hard concept

for people because it doesn't feel neutral, but they're

Yeah. True. Yeah. It's hard to get to

that place. That they're neutral. Without

tools. You have to have tools to get to get to the

circumstance really is neutral. Like, it really is whatever I wanna think about

it. Mhmm. That's what the art of reframing is really about

that, but it's like, you can't reframe something until you

acknowledge it as true. Yep. Mhmm.

Like, one of my axioms, is that the right word,

for life is, children are immature.

Love that. It helps me

so much because I'm like, obviously,

they act like that. I will also say, like Mhmm. When the kids were little,

I'd be like, stop acting like a seven year old and they're seven.

Yep. Because we think they shouldn't act like a like, that's an

insult to you. Right? Don't act like a seven year old. But do seven year

olds get to act like fucking seven year olds? Right. I think they

should. I think I think they're very go. Yeah. Like, my son is

18, and I'm just like, oh my god. Stop acting like an 18

year old. They say it funny

because I just think Oh, good. So funny because that's how I help that's

what gets me to acceptance. Yeah. Do you ever

notice, like, acceptance for me includes, like, sometimes the seven

stages of grief? Like, I have to experience like, I have to let

myself experience, like, the shock and awe and

frustration and anger and sadness and all of that, but with

radical compassion. So I don't get sucked into it. Right. And

then I can maybe get to like, okay, this happened. Like

I've been through my stuff. Mhmm. And

now I can be a little bit more neutral because it's just gonna be so

charged when you believe all your thoughts. Mhmm.

Yeah. I mean, I think that would be helpful tool for someone to think

like, oh, I'm in denial or I'm in anger.

I'm I'm bargaining. Like, I think bargaining

in relationships looks like codependency.

Yep. Where it's like, if I just let them have what they

want, then they'll be happy and then I'll be happy and it will be

fine. Like, not just accepting, they are unhappy, and that's

okay. Yep. When I did the training with Martha Beck, she

everything in this change cycle that she teaches

is like, this is harder than I thought it was gonna be, and that's

okay. I don't know what the

hell is going on here, and that's okay. And that's, like, the

Yep. The thing that you add to help get

to acceptance. Yeah. That's so good. So,

like, say you're in the the relationship with the person, then you're like, I just

don't want them to be, anxious. If you

just let them be anxious because that's what it is, now I'm pissed off. But

then you're just like, well, I'm pissed off about it, but that's okay. And now

I'm frustrated with myself about being pissed off, and that's

okay. You know? And I'm grieving what I thought I could

have, and that's okay. It's just like

each expression of it. It's yeah. You're gonna go

It's okay. Okay. Yeah. I'm eating a

plate of brownies right now because I'm so overwhelmed

with Yeah. All this shit that's happening in my life, and

that's okay. Like Yep. That

his part of the strategy accepting your

strategies is just that's

how you get to neutral, I guess, about everything.

You know? It's like Yeah. Circumstances neutral. It's just like, I'm doing this,

and that's okay. I'm good. I guess that's where trust comes in for me because

then I'm like, and I trust I will figure this out later.

Like, I will just tell myself, this is a

I do this all the time. This is a three month problem. This is a

problem I would deal in three months. Or That's so good.

This is next Yeah. This is March's issue. Like, so

if it's fixed right now, we're recording January January. This is something I'm

a deal with in March. So then I just kinda, like, make a little

promise to myself that I'm gonna do it. This is what it is

for now, and that's okay. Yeah. We all have

runaway thoughts and

little spirals we go down, and it's just when can you catch yourself

connect back to self love,

acceptance, trust. Yeah.

Then maybe going back into problem solving.

Mhmm. It's like maybe you're giving them a toolkit because I know when

I've been you know, you get caught up in the spiral. You don't know how

to get out of it because the only place out of it is you've

never formed that before. Like, you don't even know where you're coming. For you, you're

just like, nothing has gone there's no problem here.

Yeah. And you deeply believe it because you've told yourself that. That's a place you

can land easily. It feels so good, and then the

trailing off stops. Yeah. But not everyone has that because

they don't inherently believe that. One of my

thoughts that I practice is

I can solve for any problem except

death, and death is none of my business.

Oof. That's so good. And I believe it.

I like, there's stuff going on with one of my kids, and I am

like, it's not an issue. He's

upset. He's freaking out. He's confused about his schooling and

things like that. And I'm like, dude, nope. Not none of this is a problem.

And it's not fake. It's not gaslit. I mean,

is it gonna take work? Is there gonna have to be pivots? Are there gonna

be decisions? Yes.

But where no one's in danger, it's not a problem.

Yeah. Yeah. Everything is solvable. And then from that

place, you can be more loving. Like, you can be more of a support. You

can be a mentor. You can take care of yourself. You can be a, like,

regulated person. Whereas if you get caught up and think it is a problem, you're

dysregulated. They're dysregulated. You're really not helping. Right?

Yeah. Yeah. And Not as much as you could. With our

our partners or our children or anyone going through a

lot of things. Yeah, if we're

on some level going, it comes

through. I want you to make I wish you could make I could have, like,

all of your axioms and have them in a deck.

And then I can, like, pull them because you have so many good

ones, darling. Yeah. Just like foundations. Right? Okay.

Well, I love that. You're gonna put this out. I

oh, fun. Yeah. Okay. Cool. So I think it's

great. I mean, I mean, we'll break it all down in the regular pod, like,

the regular episodes, all Yeah. Series. But I think behind the

curtain thinking and, like, processing, and there's some beautiful things in

here to share.