Transcripts
Human relationships are built when people increase intimacy, i.e., slowly close the
Speaker:gap between them.
Speaker:But this cannot be rushed.
Speaker:Even two people who are madly in love living happily ever after had to first start with
Speaker:a hello and a little chit chat about nothing in particular.
Speaker:Many people think that small talk is a hindrance, but it’s actually what makes it possible
Speaker:to have the deep and meaningful conversations.
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:Because if you barge ahead and try to engage with someone on a very intimate level early
Speaker:on in a conversation, it’s a little like rushing up to a stranger and giving them a
Speaker:kiss.
Speaker:It might work out for the best ... but your chances of causing outrageous offense are
Speaker:probably far, far greater!
Speaker:What’s more, this offense might be so great that you could permanently put off someone
Speaker:who might have actually wanted to give you a kiss at some point anyway.
Speaker:That’s what small talk is about—lowering the chances of causing offense and increasing
Speaker:the chances of later connection and rapport.
Speaker:With that in mind, let’s look at the topics and ideas that almost all cultures can agree
Speaker:are out of bounds when it comes to successful small talk.
Speaker:Sure, you might talk about these things with people once you know them better.
Speaker:In fact, gradually broaching these topics is a clear signal that you are closing that
Speaker:gap and creating more distance with someone.
Speaker:But unless you’re at that point, try to completely avoid the following topics:
Speaker:1.
Speaker:Appearances
Speaker:2.
Speaker:Money
Speaker:3.
Speaker:Sex
Speaker:4.
Speaker:Politics
Speaker:5.
Speaker:Religion
Speaker:Yes, yes, everyone knows that these are the most interesting things!
Speaker:But ignore this rule at your peril.
Speaker:Let’s take a closer look.
Speaker:Appearances
Speaker:What’s the best way to comment on someone’s appearance?
The answer is:there isn’t one.
The answer is:Just don’t do it.
The answer is:Period.
The answer is:Clinical psychologist Dr. Desta suggests the “five second rule,” which goes like this:
The answer is:“You can comment on any aspect of someone's appearance if and only if they can change
The answer is:it in five seconds.
The answer is:If it would take them more than five seconds to change it, then hush.
The answer is:Especially if the comment is based on your opinion."
The answer is:•If someone has a little crumb stuck to the side of their face—you can comment on
The answer is:it since it will only take them a moment to address.
The answer is:•If someone appears to be tired and disheveled—don’t
The answer is:comment, since they can’t do much to fix
The answer is:any of that in just five seconds!
The answer is:•If someone’s necklace is on backward—you can say something.
The answer is:•If someone is dressed too formally for the occasion—stay quiet.
The answer is:There’s nothing they can do about it now, right?
The answer is:Generally, avoid commenting on someone’s weight, age, body size, outfit, teeth, scars,
The answer is:acne, injuries, race, hair type or style, height, face structure ... you get the picture!
The answer is:So if you see someone who’s got a horrendous sunburn, keep quiet about it.
The answer is:You saying, “Oh my God, look at your horrendous sun burn!” will only put them on the spot
The answer is:and make them feel uncomfortable and judged.
The answer is:If you’re wondering “what about giving them a nice compliment?”
The answer is:well, this can be as dangerous a minefield as a thinly veiled insult.
The answer is:Consider the topic of weight loss.
The answer is:You see an old friend who’s lost a bunch of weight, and say, “Woah, you’ve lost
The answer is:so much weight.
The answer is:You look amazing!"
The answer is:But later you find out she has been battling cancer and chemo treatment, and her weight
The answer is:loss is something she’s deeply embarrassed and unhappy about.
The answer is:Oops.
The answer is:Or perhaps she doesn’t have cancer at all and has just naturally lost a bit of weight,
The answer is:but now she thinks to herself, “I didn’t think I was fat before ... but I do now."
The answer is:Oops again—your comment will feel like judgment even if it’s intended to be praise.
The answer is:According to LA eating disorder specialist Dr. Lauren Muhlheim, this is why you should
The answer is:simply avoid commenting on weight, body shape, or eating habits entirely.
The answer is:Even if it feels like you’re being complimentary, you are actually making value judgments about
The answer is:what kinds of bodies or lifestyles are better than others.
The answer is:For example, the person being praised for losing weight may register the conditional
The answer is:nature of that statement (i.e., you’ll be unhappy if they gain weight), and the other
The answer is:people in the room may wonder, “Does that mean they think badly about my body, then?”
The answer is:It's a minefield.
The answer is:Best to avoid mentioning these topics at all, and that includes things like eating habits—how
The answer is:much you eat, why, what kind of food, when, and so on.
The answer is:This can be just as damaging, if not more so.
The answer is:Avoid commenting on dietary restrictions or things like vegetarianism, on the size of
The answer is:their portion, on how “clean” or healthy their meal is, on the cost, on the way they’re
The answer is:eating it, on their appetite, or on their tastes and preferences.
The answer is:Food is a deeply personal matter, and you can quickly cause offense before you know
The answer is:it.
The answer is:It goes deeper than this, though.
The answer is:If you want to give a compliment, do so for something you know the person themselves is
The answer is:proud about, i.e., something they can and have controlled.
The answer is:If you praise someone for their beautiful eye color, you are praising them for something
The answer is:they had no hand in, and therefore it might feel like a completely hollow observation.
The answer is:It’s even worse if you compliment them for something that is only valuable to you but
The answer is:not them (for example, men may cause offense by complimenting a woman’s sexiness, unaware
The answer is:that she regards sexiness as the very least interesting thing about her).
The answer is:People often feel far more validated and seen if you acknowledge their hard work, their
The answer is:strength, their kindness, their unique personality,
The answer is:their creative efforts, or how much dedication
The answer is:they’ve put into a much-loved project.
The answer is:Money
e is much less of a minefield:just don’t talk about it!
e is much less of a minefield:Appropriate questions and comments:
e is much less of a minefield:•A person’s job
e is much less of a minefield:•What they like about that job
e is much less of a minefield:•... and that’s about it
e is much less of a minefield:Inappropriate questions and comments:
e is much less of a minefield:•Their salary
e is much less of a minefield:•How much they have saved or invested
e is much less of a minefield:•How much they paid for something, including their house or car
e is much less of a minefield:•How much debt they have
e is much less of a minefield:•Whether they can afford something or not
e is much less of a minefield:•What their credit rating is
e is much less of a minefield:•Whether you can borrow money from them!
e is much less of a minefield:The reason is obvious—talking about money is a fast track for landing in uncomfortable
e is much less of a minefield:and awkward territory that may lead to misunderstandings,
e is much less of a minefield:judgments, and hurt feelings.
e is much less of a minefield:Don’t ask for money advice or give it.
e is much less of a minefield:Similarly, avoid putting hard figures on things and broadcasting strong opinions about costs.
e is much less of a minefield:If you say something like, “You’d have to be an idiot to buy that—no coffee machine
e is much less of a minefield:is worth four thousand dollars,” or, “It’s only four thousand dollars?
e is much less of a minefield:What a bargain!
e is much less of a minefield:I should get two,” then you are sending strong, possibly alienating messages to people
e is much less of a minefield:around you.
e is much less of a minefield:If you can, be gracious and avoid overly probing questions, and change the topic if people
e is much less of a minefield:are being nosy.
e is much less of a minefield:Money is not just about money, though—try to be mindful and avoid judgments or assumptions
e is much less of a minefield:about people’s backgrounds, their socio-economic class, or what is considered either cheap
e is much less of a minefield:or a luxury.
e is much less of a minefield:Sex, Politics, and Religion
e is much less of a minefield:The classic trio ... and for a good reason!
e is much less of a minefield:Steer clear of bringing up these subjects unless you want to run the risk of being thrust
e is much less of a minefield:into the middle of an, uh, animated discussion.
e is much less of a minefield:All three topics are extremely personal and almost guaranteed to invite disagreement or
e is much less of a minefield:outright division.
e is much less of a minefield:It’s simply too easy to offend people.
e is much less of a minefield:And it’s never worth it.
e is much less of a minefield:If you find this particular conversation rule annoying, just remind yourself that the function
e is much less of a minefield:of small talk is not to bring anyone around to your opinion or put the world to rights.
e is much less of a minefield:It’s only about creating connection and rapport—that’s it.
e is much less of a minefield:It doesn’t matter in the least who’s “right."
e is much less of a minefield:Imagine having a relative stranger come up to you and tell you all about exactly what
e is much less of a minefield:they think of gay adoption, gun ownership, and the good Lord himself.
e is much less of a minefield:Are you interested?
e is much less of a minefield:Probably not!
e is much less of a minefield:Just remember that when you feel compelled to share your opinions with others—in the
e is much less of a minefield:best way possible, they’re likely not interested.
e is much less of a minefield:There’s nothing to say you can’t share all your deepest and potentially controversial
e is much less of a minefield:opinions with people later when you know them better ... only that there is a time and a
e is much less of a minefield:place, and it’s usually not when you’ve just met them.
e is much less of a minefield:The reason these topics are off-limits is, again, because they create a degree of closeness
e is much less of a minefield:and intimacy that might not be appropriate or shared.
e is much less of a minefield:Remember that small talk is gradual.
e is much less of a minefield:It’s not merely politeness that keeps you from talking about life after death or feminism
e is much less of a minefield:or universal basic income with people you don’t know well.
e is much less of a minefield:It’s treating more sensitive topics with a greater degree of care and tact.
