At least you didn't... star in your own peepshow, make a fool of yourself at the gym or nearly turn your boyfriend into a eunuch.

Caroline Verdon and Annabelle Buckland are disasters. And this episode proves it.

No matter how bad your day/week/year is going, at least you can say with almost certainty that you've never accidentally starred in your own peepshow, made a fool of yourself at the gym or nearly turned your boyfriend into a eunuch. Radio presenters Caroline and Annabelle can't say this as these are tales from their actual lives.

Guaranteed to leave you laughing (and maybe crossing your legs).

Warning - this episode does contain conversations about Caroline's now husband's groinal region. If you're around small people you might want to pop on some headphones as the story is of a mature/medical nature!

Please rate and review and follow them on Facebook and Instagram @atleastyoudidnt where you can share your own stories of woe!

Caroline Verdon 0:00

Hello and welcome to our first ever episode of at least you didn't I'm Caroline Verdon.

Annabelle Buckland 0:06

I'm Annabel Buckland and we're blooming disasterous we are

Caroline Verdon 0:10

Yeah, we're basically so dysfunctional, that hearing about our dysfunctional lives will make you feel so much better about your own.

Annabelle Buckland 0:19

Yeah, scientifically proven that this podcast will make you feel much more grateful for your own life. I

Caroline Verdon 0:25

mean, it's actually what bonded us, isn't it? We met years ago at a radio station that we both worked at, we were both presenting. And it was just a joy to find somebody else who made as many mistakes as I did in life. No, I

Annabelle Buckland 0:39

was like, there's more of us. Yeah, so basically, what we did is we wrote down on pieces of paper, all of the terrible things that we've ever done, folded them up, shoved them in a little bag,

Caroline Verdon 0:52

swapped bags, drank some gin.

Annabelle Buckland 0:54

Yeah, had a few had a few bevvies and then pulled them out one by one, and shared the stories with each other whilst simultaneously recording the whole thing.

Caroline Verdon 1:04

Yeah, and the stories that were the most shameful, the most horrific the most embarrassing end up on episodes of at least you didn't

Unknown Speaker 1:12

You're welcome.

Caroline Verdon 1:14

On this week's episode. At least you didn't star in your own peep show.

Annabelle Buckland 1:18

make a fool of yourself at the gym

Caroline Verdon 1:20

and nearly turn your boyfriend into a eunuch starting off strong staffs ego strong word of warning though. Not for literally years. So if you are little people just pop some headphones.

Unknown Speaker 1:34

At least you did and kick a baby or tried to smoke the vicar. At least you didn't show the bed many knickers could be worse.

Annabelle Buckland 1:47

Okay, here we go. Caroline. At least you didn't start in your own peep show.

Caroline Verdon 1:53

Yeah. So my friend and I decided that we needed a holiday back in the days where you know you were allowed to go away on holiday. And we went on one of their like last amenity sort of website II things look for the cheapest place we could possibly find. didn't even bother reading about any of it. So long as it had a swimming pool. We were golden. And we ended up in this place called Loretta MA in Spain, which is it's it's like the Blackpool of Spain, only in that it is just full of kebab shops and Irish boss. And the hotel we stayed in it was proper grotty. But we went cheap, so we only went halfboard. But it turns out the rest of the hotel were full board, which meant that when we arrived, we got there at lunchtime, and everyone was in the restaurant eating lunch. Great. Yeah, plenty of room by the pool. Exactly. And that's exactly what we did. So we rocked up at the pool. And I thought, right, that's it. I'm going for it. I've got got my new tankini I'm going to go and dive in the pool. There's no one around this is going to be lovely the pool. It was one of those dream things like the pool was completely flat. And so my friend was telling me I know how to have fun. I really do. My friend was there with the book and I sit on the side and I thought Here we go. I'm going to do a dive that read Olympians to be proud of and I'm going to do a deeper dive and I dived in off the side. And now I need to start this off by saying I had made a bit of a mistake when I bought my tankini so when I bought it I thought How interesting. It's not really tight and usually the thing was swimwear is it's really tight. Yeah, and personal preference. Don't mind things tight around the boobs but rather they're a bit loose around the tummy. And this was exactly like that. And I got home and realizes because I've accidentally bought a maternity swimwear which means it's very stretchy, very stretchy. Anyway, not pregnant, jumped in the pool. And as I dived into the pool, I felt his swimwear coming off and I could feel it heading for my knees and there was nothing I could do because it went so quick. That was it. The suede that the bottoms were off, and the tankini had come up so it was still on route. It was attached like a halter neck and it was still around my neck. But it was up and my friend nearly died. Laughing It was like the best thing she'd ever seen. She was crying, not the best thing she'd ever seen. But the best thing she'd ever seen. She was crying, choking on a drink. It was horrendous for me hilarious for her but at least there was no one else around the pool right? It was just us. So then we go for dinner later that night. And we go into the restaurant and we take a table next to what I presume is a very large fish tank. It is not a very large fish tank. It is that the pool outside is glass all the way around the outside of it, and it is in the center of the blumen dining room. So when you're in the dining room, you can see people swimming. So, unbeknownst to me, I had jumped in and got absolutely started whilst other people were trying to eat their food. Nobody needed to see that.

Annabelle Buckland 5:19

Oh my god, have you with a lunchtime and

Caroline Verdon 5:24

it was awful. And the thing is, at least you could argue, well, no one's gonna have known it was you. But the paragraph laughed, cried so much so loudly for so long in that restaurant at dinner time. It was really obvious if you had been there at lunchtime. It was clearly one of us. She was a size six, so it definitely wasn't her.

Annabelle Buckland 5:49

Her

Caroline Verdon 5:49

render

Annabelle Buckland 5:51

that is incredible. What a weird hotel.

Caroline Verdon 5:55

Weird hotel setup.

Annabelle Buckland 5:57

That is really weird

Caroline Verdon 5:59

and shouldn't be assigned by this bright Round the swimming pool PS

Unknown Speaker 6:03

ever eating their dinner? naked because

Annabelle Buckland 6:07

awful, awful. If it bad that I'm instantly thinking what a great way to get your room for free. You know, or be asked to leave. Put some effort in.

Unknown Speaker 6:21

Get some freebies.

Caroline Verdon 6:26

So Annabel, I'm delving right to the bottom. Get in there. At least you didn't cause a scene at a gym. I can't imagine you causing a scene in a gym. Because you know, because you're quite a gym person. Like you're always running. Aren't you?

Annabelle Buckland 6:46

gym person?

Caroline Verdon 6:47

Yeah. Really? Yeah. Like you're always running installer is just full full of like, Oh, look at this beautiful view. PS it was taken at six o'clock this morning whilst I was out on the cheeky little run.

Annabelle Buckland 6:58

That is Come on. I've never said cheeky little run.

Caroline Verdon 7:02

No, but that's what every single post means. We all know what it means.

Annabelle Buckland 7:07

smuggling to look at this beautiful field that I ran through. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Oh, no.

Caroline Verdon 7:14

My favorite one was the other tranquility. Yeah, there's a river and a boat.

Annabelle Buckland 7:19

Yeah,

Caroline Verdon 7:20

yeah. Yes, I run he really are. So maybe you'd make a scene in a gym.

Annabelle Buckland 7:28

Unknown Speaker 8:36

Okay, yeah. And that's what this machine is for. Brilliant.

Annabelle Buckland 8:40

Yep. All I need to do is press the button. And I will begin my walking, I will build up to a steady jog. And then when someone really sexy walks past our break into a sprint, I might even up the incline

Caroline Verdon 8:57

will be there like little I probably got rid of Mount Everest. You know what I'm doing.

Annabelle Buckland 9:03

And then I looked at the all of the treadmills I thought which 1am I going to go on?

Caroline Verdon 9:09

I don't want to go on the one that's nearest the weights, because it's too intimidating because that's where all the big beefy men go. Also, you don't want to go on one that's next to somebody else on one because then they can see that you're really got no incline on there whatsoever. And you're sweating. And you go.

Annabelle Buckland 9:25

Yeah, even though Yeah, and I think getting on a treadmill at the gym that's net that's directly next to somebody when there's 30 others is the equivalent of sitting next to somebody on a bus when there's every other free seat only psychopaths do that. I will not do that. a psychopath. Yep. Good. So I carefully selected my treadmill. And of course I'm not just standing there. gormlessly staring. I'm doing things like tightening my ponytail and retiring my shoe lace.

Caroline Verdon 9:54

Oh yeah.

Annabelle Buckland 9:55

doing a little bit of lunging. Just to know you know, I want to look the part up Like no one looked like I know what I'm doing.

Also, if anyone looks at you, they don't think, oh, she's surveying and she's not sure which one to go on. Instead, they think look at her warming up properly, but she's gonna go for it.

She looks like a pro. She knows how to walk. Yeah, treadmill, and she's gonna do it. So, I selected my treadmill. I approached my treadmill. I mounted my treadmill,

mount, mount, and this is already where I think you might have gone wrong mounted your treadmill. Wow. Okay.

And in my selection process, I managed to pick the only treadmill that had somehow managed to have been left switched. Oh, no, it was going fast enough for me to not realize that it was on.

So what did you do? Wow. And so you went for it? You didn't just delicately go to stand on it. You?

Well, I go up onto it and stood with my feet on the sides of on the plastic bit. Okay. Plastic bit. Okay. And then I went to step on it. Oh, no.

Oh, on it for very

long Carolina. We

know you did that you flew off the back.

You hear about this,

but I've never spoken to somebody who's actually done it first day. I don't know how. I don't know how my guy had the balls to go back in that building ever again.

What happened when you did it? I did it. Did people come out? Did you? Did you end up?

No one did a thing. Because I did that. I did that thing where I got up immediately. As soon as I hit the floor behind the treadmill. I immediately got up and thought if I just get up straight away, walk over to the water fountain. I can almost pretend that didn't happen,

or that you meant to do it. What you should have done is just done a Roly Poly and then just sit up with your hands.

So so do not stick move.

Shall I delve into my bag and find another terrible story for class? Yeah, let's see what we got inside the bag of doom.

I'm taking a big swig of the drink.

Okay. At least you didn't almost turn your boyfriend into a eunuch.

Yeah.

Right. Okay. Do tell. So

I think this is probably the worst thing I've ever done. Okay. meant with the best of intentions, just not very well thought out. So, my then boyfriend, now husband had to go to hospital and have an operation down there. Nothing to do with me, just, you know, had to have some work done down there. And he was very sore, very sore. and was told, you know, it's gonna be, it's gonna be quite tender for quite a while, like, maybe very sensitive area, like maybe like a month or something. Or one about four days after he had this operation. We were meant to be at a wedding. And it was the summer. And I said to him, Look, just don't worry about it. I'll go to the wedding by myself. You can't be there all day. Like, it's just it's not a good idea. And he said, Look, I'll come to the evening day. So we'll just let them know that I won't be coming during the day because of the app and I'll be there in the evening. I was like, okay, that's fine. Now, Rob, doesn't really like spending money if he doesn't have to. Okay, and if it had been me, I would have got a taxi to the venue. However, he opted to get a train, and then to walk for me, maybe it's only like a five minute walk from the train station, but it's uphill. And it's like June, July time and it's hot. And it's the last thing you want to do when you've, you know, you don't want the chafing, you don't want the chafing. So he gets to the venue, and he's clearly in pain. And he was like, honestly, I'm in absolute agony. This was a tear. I don't know why. Why didn't I get a taxi? I'm in so much pain. And so I said, Look, just we've got a hotel room, like just just just go lie down. Just forget about it. Don't worry about no one's gonna mind. Just go and lie down. If you feel better come out and he's like, No, I'm not missing it. It's like I just like there must be something I can do to stop the chafing And this is where I came in. And I said, if you want it to be a little bit less sensitive, why don't

I could see your face? Yeah, yeah. What's it gonna be?

Why don't you just put a condom on it? Because it will stall. I know. Okay, but this was my This was my thought process. It will stop it from touching his, your pants don't mean like it won't rub because it won't touch directly. Yeah, and, you know, just get a really thick one, we'll just we'll just, we'll just go to the shop around the corner, and I'll just buy some really thick ones. And it will be like, it's how you ask for really big ones. He wants to feel nothing.

I physically repulsed him.

And they were yet we get it Here you go. Oh, he wants to feel

like his penis is made of latex.

100%. And so he popped on and he went well. Yeah, it's, it's slightly better. I mean, it was a struggle getting it on. Because it was like, it was like, you know, if you ever tried to fill a water balloon, and you have to like put your hands right in the water balloon, you got to really, really stretch it. It was like that, because you couldn't do any of the rolling.

Because I tried to get a sleeping bag.

Like that. Exactly like that. And then once that once it was on, there was then the issue of random air pockets. And so it was then like, like, like, like doing balloon animals. Just trying to just sort of smooth it all out how it was. So it was a procedure, not how

you that's not how you put them on my it's not how I was known. So it's not

but but you've not just genuinely speaking not to have an operation in school.

I mean, when you were putting it on, this is a personal question, which I will be asked Okay, was it? No, it wasn't what No. status was the status was? Couldn't

have been less. Yeah, because, you know, gross amounts of pain. There's, you know, there's stitches and all sorts going on. There's no Oh, yeah. Yeah. wasn't looking great

for making me want to cross my hair. Yeah.

So. So we popped on, and it was an effort and healing. Well, what can I ask Where were you when you were putting this in the the en suite of the hotel of the hotel room? So you'd left the wedding? And the wedding was at the hotel? So I literally just popped on I was gone upstairs. gave them a helping

two hands with structure plaster penis inside an extra thick. Yeah,

yeah. And then and then only went to to have a lovely night. And he sort of walked a bit tentatively, but said, think it might feel a bit. I think it might be feeling a bit better. Now, but don't get me wrong. There was no dancing, there was none of that there was just a lot of standing and gentle sitting and then gentle standing up again. But

he made it through the night is too rigorous.

He made it through the night. And then we got back to the hotel room. And he was like, right, we're gonna it's been about five hours. We're gonna have to take this is that the longest time ever? I

mean, any living? Male being has worn a concert. I mean,

could be a Guinness World Record. Could be not sure we'd want to go in there for it.

Did you think of any

gotchas before you take it off, let's just give them a ring just in case is another hour in it.

Get a picture.

So,

so we try and make him stand up.

Come on, as I'm there, like, I'll take my top off. Is that gonna help? Is that gonna help? nothing would have happened. Nothing would have helped someone

will get you on Metro.

Something took off. And it didn't look well. Let's just put it that way. It wasn't looking great. And he went, I think I just need to lay down and go to sleep. I went okay, we'll see. We'll see how you are in the morning. In the morning, I woke up maybe like 6am, something like that. To hear a crashing sound coming from the bathroom. That crashing sound was Rob having looked at it and then promptly collapsed. So I sort of been I did the old type of Rob, Rob Rob. He came. And I said, Can I see it? He said, No. Now we were living together by this point, like we've been talking. There were no, there were no secrets. But I was absolutely I was not allowed to look at it. Like, okay, we need to go to the hospital. And ever the optimist, he said, I don't think I need a hospital. But why don't why don't we just try with the weekend? He's like, let's just go to the walk in center near our house. So it okay. So went to the walking center. And funnily enough, they saw him pretty quickly when we got there. And we went into the little room with a doctor. And she asked to have a look, and he dropped his trousers, and I have never seen someone's face goes so white. So quickly. She just went the dog doctor. Yeah, she went. And then she said, Have you got a car? Or shall I call you an ambulance?

What did it look like?

It was gross.

It was just from five hours wearing an extra thick calm. Yeah.

In a hot a hot hot day, just after surgery. Yeah. So we went to a hospital where, luckily, the surgeon and his and his consultant well wasn't the same person. But luckily they were they were on shift. And they basically hooked him up to a drip and said, I'm giving you X amount of hours of antibiotics. If this hasn't worked, it's Yeah. Yeah.

It's got to come off. Well, I

don't know what the next part was. It's coming off or it's never gonna work. I don't even know. Yeah. Yeah. And did the antibiotics work? Because you've got two children. Yeah. But yeah, so very bad decision. Very bad suggestion on my part. And I no longer make medical suggestions.

I can't I'm still Yeah, laughing in my soul at the thought of your now husband collapsing at the site.

At least you did. Keep a baby. I tried to stop the vicar. At least you didn't show the bed many knickers could be worse.

I really hope that my parents and my in laws did not listen to this episode.

I really wish they did. How good would it be to do like the podcast version of gogglebox. And there were cameras on your in laws and your parents face as well listen to that.

Oh, awful. We sadly have so much material from our terrible lives, that we are able to release a podcast every single Tuesday. And on next week's episode, at least you didn't think you were famous.

get naked in front of your dad's mates

or sling poo at a string quartet.

In the meantime, if you want to share a terrible story with us to make us feel better, please do. Come and find us on socials we are at at least you did an on pretty much everything.

Also, we can promise photos of various things that we've spoken about in the episodes. Not my boyfriend's that will not be on there. Just I don't I don't want to promise too much. Okay. Thanks very much for listening. I've been Caroline Verdon.

I'm Annabel Buckland.

Bye Bye now.