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How To Set My Kid Up For Success & How Not To!
Episode 929th September 2021 • The 6570 Family Project • Nellie Harden
00:00:00 00:21:14

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“Set Your Kids Up For Success” is a great tagline, but what does it actually mean? What does it look like and what should you avoid?  There are 3 big NO’s and 1 big YES to accomplishing this task that I go over in today’s episode and a new tool available for you to use called “Unlock Their Inner Leader” and can be found at www.nellieharden.com/bootcamp !

About the Host:

Nellie Harden is a wife of 20+ years, mom to 4 teen/tween daughters, dreamer, adventurer, servant, multipreneur, forever student, and a devoted teacher, but her ride-or-die passion is her work as a Family Life Coach & Mentor. 

Coming from a career background in marine mammal sciences, behavioral work, and a host of big life experiences, both great and not some not so great, she decided that designing a life of purpose and freedom was how she and her husband, along with their 4 daughters, wanted to live. 

Her work and passions exist in the realms of family and parent mentorship because she believes that a family filled with creativity, fun, laughter, challenge, adventure, problem-solving, hugs, good food, and learning can not only change a person’s life but is the best chance at positively changing the world. 

She helps families build Self-Led Discipline™ & Leadership Into their homes, sets their children up for a wildly successful life on their terms, and elevates the family experience with big joy, palpable peace, and everyday growth!

With a lifelong passion and curiosity in thought, choice, behavior, and growth she has found incredible joy in helping families shift perspective, find answers, and a path forward.

 

(Nellie has been coaching families for over 10 years and has degrees in Biology, Animal Behavior and Psychology. ) 

 

LINKS:

Family Success Vault- https://www.nellieharden.com/vault

Website- https://www.nellieharden.com

Online Community- https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project

Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/nellieharden/   

Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/

 

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Transcripts

Nellie Harden:

Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground for parents who want to raise their kids with intention, strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into the real challenges and reason kids today how to show up as parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the family and individuals of the world. My name is mellie harden, big city girl turns small towns sipping iced tea on the front porch Mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and minds of families by helping them build self flood discipline and leadership that elevates the family experience. And sets the kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the 6570 family project. Let's go

Nellie Harden:

Hello, and welcome to the 6570 family project podcast. I hope wherever this is meeting you you are smiling, the sun is maybe shining, and maybe it's not. But you're still smiling. And I hope you are having a great family day as well. But you might not be too and that's part of parenting, right. It's the ups and the downs, the ebbs and the flows, and the ever present roller coaster that is happening. And today I really wanted to talk about what does it mean to set our kids up for success, we hear that it's a very common slogan and tagline. But what does it really mean in order to do that, so I wanted to go through some you know what it doesn't mean for sure. And maybe what it does mean for you. And really starting at the top, I want to go through one that it definitely does not mean and that is paving the way and taking challenges out and taking them on yourself so that they never have to write. We've we've seen these kind of parents that they're the ones that are up all night slaving over a chemistry I don't know chemistry paper chemistry experiment, dinosaur project that needs to be done while the kiddo is sleeping, right? We we've seen these types of things before I think I probably was this type of thing as a kid once or twice. I remember my dad was a great artist. And so whenever I had any sort of projects, I remember this Egyptian project, especially, I'd be like, Hey, Dad, so can you draw for me? And he would be like, Oh, are you okay? You know, and reluctantly say yes. And then he would end up doing the work. And I would be like eating my mac and cheese, you know, over on the side or something like that. But we see this repetitive pattern happen sometimes, too. And what does is that the way we want to go? And the obvious answer is? Of course not.

Nellie Harden:

But why why wouldn't we want to go that way? And this would really mean living in this exclusivity bubble in that is a not real world inside of a real world that does actually exist and and what does that mean that that's the bubble protection all around our kids that is happening. And they don't know then how to apply themselves how to approach how to react in the real world when they have something that is do something that is happening, a relationship that might be challenging or falling flat are faced with working with people that might not be the easiest people to work with all of these things. And so they would be living inside of this bubble. And that creates this animosity, right this resentment, this naive, it's a it's always a fun word to say, and big falls and kind of like these reality sock punches that happen to them. And I definitely see this I've saw it in my own school, you know, world back when I was in grade school, and I also see it now and throughout my time of these people that were the huge stars in high school. And then once High School is over, they kind of you know, go down you know my high school other high schools. I was a gymnast. And so we traveled around I got to know many people from other high schools too. So what what does that mean for the parents, right?

Nellie Harden:

The parents are not going to know what to do after the kids leave home. And I know you don't want to do that, right? This is 18 years which when you're in it So long, right? The 6570 days 6570. When you're in it, it feels so long. But when you are out of it, and especially afterwards, not as much before, but especially afterwards, you look back, you look back and know that it went by in a snap, like a week as as quick as quick could be. You just ask yourself, how is that over already? How is that over? And if you're in this type of parenting, you ask, What in the world do I do now I have no idea. I'm lost. I was doing all of their stuff for all those 18 years. And I don't know what to do now. Right? And it creates this lifelong dependence and never really owning the parent really never owning and the child never really being able to own their own life. You know what I think about what this is, you guys know, I love to throw in some movie analogies in here is The Truman Show. Anyone seen The Truman Show out there? It is a great one. But it's this fictitious life within the real world. But Truman has no idea that he is living in this fictitious life. And so later on, when he starts to just start to question a couple of things, and start to experience some actual real life, feelings and inquiries and all of that, he doesn't know what to do with them. And the show actually ends before he goes into the real world. Sorry, spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it, but it's really good. Jim Carrey plays Truman, and I would still highly recommend it. It's a great coming of awareness story. And that's not what we want our kids to have to do later on is open this door to an unknown, right, because who knows what's going to face them on the other side. And that's what can definitely happen when we are taking on all their challenges. And just letting them skate by right. Okay, so that's, that's number one.

Nellie Harden:

Number two, is kind of similar, but a little bit different. And that is when you're hovering over them so much. And you're just like, telling them every obstacle that's coming along so they can avoid it, right? So still a lot of the same side effects, if you will, that the first one had, but this also has some added spice and pepper of annoyance being repelled by you, right? If you're talking to somebody and their faces, right in your face, what is your immediate reaction, right, you want to back away, you might want to build a little bit of a barrier in there, build a little bit of a wall. And so when you always are having a parent going, don't do that. Yep, you could do that. Oh, watch out for that. Okay, you could do that now. Oh, stop. Let's pause. Okay, now we could do that, right, it is this micromanaging process that can get very overbearing for the child. And certainly, again, the parent is this is their full time job it feels like emotionally and mentally anyway. And it is going to feel like a massive loss when those kiddos leave. Absolutely. And they can also develop this lack of ambition and defiance happening and they are not going to know what to do when they get out into the real world because they're not going to have you there being their traffic, their traffic stop being like stop, go turn left turn right this that and they aren't going to know which way to go because they never built those skills inside of themselves. And so what does it mean then? So we're not avoiding ever or we're not taking it on so that they're negligent of everything, we're not there to go so that they don't know where to go themselves. So then should we just let them go and discover and fall and find their way back and just check in every once in a while? Oh, no, we don't want to do that one either.

Nellie Harden:

All three of these can be very tempting to do sometimes sometimes more than sometimes. Right especially in protecting we want to protect our kids but there is these major side effects so if we just let them go and discover and fall and get back up on their own, these big life lessons are going to be had for sure. But are they going to learn in a way that they grow from them right, a lot of times these kiddos are going to have the big life lessons but then they're going to learn not to trust anyone they're going to learn not to love not to show vulnerability not to take risk right and that the world is a harsh place and that you want to avoid and hide from or retract from and you can really see that from i mean i open any team drama there's going to be that character right the the quote unquote troubled kid and I forgot to give you the example for the second one Which is one of my favorite characters of all time we share a name, you might guess it that one that had the parent that was micromanaging and directing and traffic lighting their entire life and was not great because of it was Nellie oleson. I definitely see that and millennials and I grew up huge Little House in the prairie fan, read all the books watched every single episode, we watched them all as a family as well up until the very end. And I almost said what the very end was, but I'm not going to do that because I already did that to the Truman Show for you guys. But let's just say it's an explosive ending. So it's huge. And we've watched every single one and it was funny going through them as a child, you see it one way going through them as an adult. You see them in another way. You know, my, my father died when I was super young, I was only one and a half when my dad died. And so growing up and listening to the Ingles family pa really filled you know, a part of that for me, I had so many different father figures, then my mom remarried when I was eight. And I had my dad from that, which is the data I was talking about that was a great artist, actually, both my biological father, my dad and my dad, my dad and my dad, were both exceptional artists. And I can't draw anything without it looking like a stick figure. So go figure. But anyway, so we have The Truman Show, we have Nellie Olson, and we have any teen drama pick your pick your whatever, and it's going to be there that kid that was neglected and let off the hook at 1213 maybe even younger and said go live your life I'll check in with you. I'm going to be traveling to wherever, whether mentally or actually physically. There always seems to be that kid doesn't there that is like, Oh, my parents are in Barcelona again. Or my parents are in Hong Kong again. And they're home alone. I was like, how did they legally do this all the time, these parents but whatever, that that's an that's another episode there. So all of that to say what does it mean then?

Nellie Harden:

So we don't want to do these three. Right? And we definitely don't want to be consistent with it. Even if we fall into their traps every so often. We don't want to be consistent with it. What do we want to be consistent with in order to set our kids up for success? Well, it really means staying with them and guiding them through the course the course of their childhood. as they navigate the waters right, it's fail, fail again, fail better. And I'm here for you so we can do it better next time. I mean, that's that's the role of the parent, right? You are literally training them for life. This is their training zone, the 6570 is their training zone. And mama bears, Mama, lions, Mama whales and Mama humans, we are all training we're all training them for when they leave and go off into the big wide world. But if they don't know what the big wide world has to offer, and how to navigate it, then they're going to fall and better for them to fall with you a little bit first and learn how to get back up and do better next time than to fall later. And not know how to get back up. Right? Mon Pauline goals. I they had it right in their time you guys and you can do it right in this time and our time today. And I mean, let's just face it. This is life. And life is sticky. It's messy. It's many times amazing. And it's sometimes an extremely trying gauntlet that we need to go through. And during this 6570 timeframe, you as a parent, as a family architect are there to design and plan and oversee the construction of your kiddo. So that one day they can stand on their own against the trials of life. I mean that's really what it comes down to right. We are building them we are training them we are standing by them we are planning we are overseeing right it's this continuum that happens as we move our hands hand over hand day after day down the 6570 spectrum of the childhood parenthood life the 6570 so you guys I'm so excited because this is such a big topic.

Nellie Harden:

This is such a big question that is asked you know, and this week I have started a very very important opportunity that's absolutely free to you because you guys know my mission my heart My love is to help families one after another after another after another in order to I will share with you in just a second so I started an entire boot camp boot camp. It could be a masterclass later on depending on When you're listening to this, but it is called unlocking their inner leader, unlocking their inner their inner leader, their being your kid unlocking their inner leader, and it is all about finding the special language that you can actually speak so that they understand and vice versa, right? You need a shared language, it is very hard to hit these communication barriers, and you just keep hurting yourself over and over again and knocking your heads against walls. And there's frustration, there's animosity, and there's hurt on both sides of that. So we need to break down that wall, we need to speak the same language mentally, emotionally. Alright, so we're going to work on that we are going to uncover the path to their incredible future. You know what, even if school doesn't seem to be their thing right now, even if school doesn't seem to be their thing, right now, I want to repeat that because so many times that grade that comes on that piece of paper so many times a year or at the end of the year, depending on when they're getting their, their testing and all their stuff back, that can often often determine the worth of that kid, their projectory, their projection of where their life is going to go, their ideals for themselves, the ideals that you have for them, right. So I want you guys to set them up and help I want to guide you on how to set them up for success and have an incredible future. Even if school isn't going great right now. And it might be but when it might not be later on that one class.

Nellie Harden:

For me, it was 10th grade geometry that I got a D and only D I ever got in my life. But I could have let that absolutely define me. And I didn't. And so I want to show you guys how to do that. And then I will also show you the biggest mistakes I'm seeing out there and how parents are trying to drill in work ethic to their kids on the daily today, right? We It is no secret that we thrive in buisiness. And it's kind of like a tattoo of honor on our foreheads. If you are busy therefore you are worth something well, that we can really dive into that and go much deeper and that is definitely not entirely true. It depends on what you're busy with how you're busy, how you like what are you doing in that? We actually really need to scale that back. Are you busy meditating and thinking all day? Are you busy watching TV all day? Are you busy out there doing manual labor all day? Are you busy thinking and trying to hit deadlines all day, right? Those are all very, very different trajectories of buisiness but I'm going to show you the biggest mistakes parents are making in trying to get this work ethic into their kiddos today so that is huge. You know you guys your child is capable of respect and obedience and compassion and kindness and being a self guided leader in their life. I promise you they are their inner leader is literally just waiting to be unlocked and it is one of the most profound ways that you can set them up for success is to do this. So where can you find this Where can you register for this one or the next one it is going to be at Nelly harden comm slash boot camp Nelly harden comm slash boot camp you're going to want to go there. I can't wait to see you in the next boot camp. And you guys you are a family architect and you are doing amazing thing. So happy day and happy building. I'll talk to you soon. Bye bye.

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