MOTHER'S DAY SPECIAL: My mum is a warrior - she has not had an easy life. From an early career as an Astronomer Royal's Personal Computer at Herstmonceux, mum had to give this up to follow my dad's job. After multiple miscarriages she experienced pre-eclampsia, a traumatic birth and PTSD with my brother Graham. His disability wasn't properly diagnosed until he was 37.
I came along 2 and a half years later and mum suffered postnatal depression for the second time - an illness that received no support or understanding back then. The family moved to rural Scotland when I was 4, where she nursed me throughout my childhood with life-threatening asthma and a rare blood disorder. She also nursed my brother through teenage lymph cancer and my dad through multiple heart attacks.
Mum was prescribed arsenic by her family GP as a child, which left her with life-long skin cancer - she's had over 60 surgeries and counting. She survived breast cancer in her '50s and developed end stage kidney failure in her '70s. Despite chronic pain and poor health, Nina is still remarkably strong, very kind and extremely loving. It's an honour to call her my mum.
This conversation, recorded a few months ago, was the first time we really talked about her own experience of PND. She's a very private person, so I am endlessly grateful for her going back to revisit those dark times in the hopes of helping others.
Since this was recorded, my brother has had a very serious heart attack. Thanks to the quick actions of both my mum and the ambulance service, he survived and is now recovering well. I'd like to dedicate this episode to him.
*TRIGGER WARNING: MISCARRIAGE, BIRTH TRAUMA AND A BRIEF MENTION OF STILLBIRTH*
IN THIS EPISODE WE DISCUSS:
[00:00] Teaser quote.
[01:15] Introduction to Nina Spilsted - my lovely mum!
[03:17] The lack of knowledge and support for PND in the 1960s and 70s.
[03:42] 3 miscarriages and then pregnant with Graham. Enforced rest and a very clinical approach, unsmiling approach in hospital. Pre-eclampsia and bed rest.
[04:40] Induced then a 27 hour labour. Feelings of trauma.
[05:33] No support for her multiple baby losses - expectation to 'carry on as normal'. Feelings of failure - "why can't I have a baby?"
[07:24] Bed rest and monitoring of the baby. Ignorance about birth and babies. Lack of family support and no baby groups.
[08:37] Sent to a cottage hospital after the birth, for recuperation. Lack of information on discharge - "I didn't know what a health visitor was". Lack of support from her own mum - "nothing was ever discussed".
[10:04] Graham's birth - trauma. Feelings of fear and loneliness.
[11:39] Difficulty bonding with him at first.
[12:59] Total exhaustion and overwhelm. Lack of the 'euphoric' moment when Graham arrived.
[14:39] Going home with her baby - struggles. Lack of support from her mother and husband.
[15:59] Difficulty breastfeeding - feelings of guilt and failure.
[18:57] The need to be kind to yourself as a mother.
[20:10] Realising she needed help. Sheer exhaustion - holding down a job as well as being a new mum.
[21:42] Medicated by the doctor - not being able to remember much of that period. No knowledge of postnatal depression.
[24:26] Suspicions that Graham may not be developing as he should be.
[27:59] Another baby loss then pregnant with me. Flashbacks from Graham's traumatic birth caused great anxiety.
[30:37] PND, great anxiety and the grief of losing another baby in between.
[33:07] Pre-eclampsia for the second time and mum's experience of my birth.
[37:32] Retreating into herself - feelings of agrophobia.
[39:31] Finding a 'bonus for the day'. Gradual recovery.
[41:05] Looking back at the experience. Trying not to anticipate trouble or worrying about things. Appreciating every day she has.
[45:50] Finding out I was pregnant with mum's first and only grandson! Losing my first pregnancy early on. Stanley's early arrival!
[49:44] Recognising PND symptoms in me. Helping me get support.
[55:01] The importance of kind words.
[56:23] Lack of family support.
[57:29] Not talking to friends about what she was experiencing.
[01:01:47] Motherhood is the most important job in the world. So why is it so undervalued?
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
- Kind words can really make a difference. So if you see someone struggling, a smile or compassion could help. And if you ask them if they are okay, ask them twice - the second time you might get an honest answer.
- It is so important you are kind to yourself - a happy mum means a happy baby. You can't look after others if you can't look after yourself first. If you struggle with this, I hope these episodes are helpful: The Self Compassion episode (part 1), The Self Compassion episode (part 2) and the Loving Kindness Meditation (specially created for Blue MumDays listeners).
- Finding a 'bonus for the day' can be helpful - something to lift your spirits, whether it's a lovely cup of coffee, a beautiful flower or a gorgeous blue sky. Something to hang onto and give you hope.
- You are not the only one in the world feeling like this and you will not feel like this forever.
- Families are more separate in modern life, so many don't have family support at hand.
If you enjoyed this episode, please share, rate and subscribe. It really does make the difference in helping others find it – which means helping more parents in need.
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Email: bluemumdays@gmail.com
NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE:
In Episode 16 I talk to the fabulous AJ Silver of The Queer Birth Club, born of the necessity to fill the void of LGBT+ inclusion in the birth world. We talk about their birth experience and work as a birth and postnatal doula.
SUPPORT:
If you are struggling right now, please know that it’s okay to talk and reach out for help.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND WILL NOT FEEL THIS WAY FOR EVER.
We hope these support services are helpful (please note we do not check or monitor them individually).
Action on Postpartum Psychosis (APP)
Moderated Forum, click here to find out more.
Email: app@app-network.org
Tel: 020 3322 9900
Andy's Man Club
A non-judgemental talking group for men
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/club-information/clubs/
Email: info@andysmanclub.co.uk
Association of Postnatal Illness
Helpline: 10am – 2pm – 0207 386 0868
Email: info@apni.org
Live chat online facility
Best Beginnings
Free NHS-accredited Baby Buddy app offering
evidence-based information and self-care tools to help parents during pregnancy
and early stages of parenting.
App users also have access to a confidential, text-based Crisis Messenger which provides
24/7 support for new and expectant parents who are feeling extremely anxious or overwhelmed.
Bi-Polar UK
email: info@bipolaruk.org
Birth Trauma Association
Email: support@birthtraumaassociation.org.uk
CALM
Contact CALM
on their national helpline: 0800 58 58 58 (5pm-midnight)
Cedar House Support Group
Email: lwise@talktalk.net (Liz Wise)
Mobile: 07773 283556
Contact: for families with disabled children
Support, advice and information for parents with disabled children.
DadsNet
Offers support and knowledge through a community of dads on practical parenting and fatherhood.
Family Lives
An organisation providing immediate help from volunteer parent support workers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Family Rights Group
Support for parents and other family members whose children are involved with or need social care services.
Fathers Reaching Out
https://www.reachingoutpmh.co.uk/
Run by Mark Williams, campaigner, speaker and writer, offering support to dads.
FiveXMore
A grassroots organisation committed to changing Black women and birthing people’s maternal health outcomes in the UK.
fivexmore@gmail.com
Gingerbread
Single parents, equal families. Help and advice on the issues that matter to lone parents.
The Hub of Hope
A directory of mental health support around the UK.
Make Birth Better (Birth Trauma Support)
Email: hello@makebirthbetter.org
Maternal OCD
Peer support available, email info@maternalocd.org to
arrange
The Motherhood Group
Dedicated to sharing and supporting the black maternal experience through peer support, projects and advocacy.
info@themotherhoodgroup.com
Motivational Mums Club
Offering Trauma, Mindfulness and Meditation sessions for Mothers and Mums to be with an NHS Mental Health Specialist, who’s also a Mother.
Music Football Fatherhood
Open conversations around fatherhood, including blogs, peer support and podcasts.
hello@musicfootballfatherhood.com
Muslim Women’s Network
Helpine: 0800 999 5786, open Mon-Fri 10am –
4pm with support offered in English, Urdu, Punjabi, Mirpuri, Putwari, Hindko,
and Bengali.
Email: info@mwnhelpline.co.uk
Online chat: www.mwnhelpline.co.uk
Text: 07415 206 936
Netmums
Netmums offer peer support via their Maternal Mental Health Drop-In
Clinic.
NHS
Contact your local GP surgery.
Call the NHS on 111
or contact a local NHS urgent mental health helpline
If you are in crisis, visit Accident & Emergency at your nearest hospital.
PANDAS
Helpline open from 9am-8pm every day – 0843 2898 401
Email support available – info@pandasfoundation.org.uk
Petals
Petals offers free-of-charge specialist counselling to anyone who has experienced pregnancy
or baby loss.
Web: petalscharity.org/counsellingcontact/
Email: counselling@petalscharity.org
Tel: 0300 688 0068
Samaritans
Tel: 116 123
(this is a free telephone number and will not appear on the phone bill)
Web: www.samaritans.org
Email: jo@samaritans.org
Shout
Text SHOUT to 85258 to start a confidential conversation with a trained Shout volunteer.
Twins Trust
Twinline is Twins Trust’s listening service for parents of twins, triplets and more. All
the calls are answered by volunteers who have multiples themselves.
Twinline is open Monday to Friday 10am to 1pm and from 7pm to 10pm. 0800 138 0509,
alternatively email asktwinline@twinstrust.org.
Web: twinstrust.org/let-us-help/support/twinline.html
Tommy’s
Tommy’s has a team of in-house midwives who offer free support and information for women and their families at any stage of pregnancy and after the birth.
Web: www.tommys.org
Helpline: Tommy’s
helpline has been closed temporarily but their midwives are answering questions
via email, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
Email: midwife@tommys.org
MUSIC by Joseph McDade
