Shownotes
"Everyone else, especially in romantic relationships, they were the yes. I was the really go with the flow, accommodating 'mother hen' girlfriend. " - Jenny Leckey
In this episode of Diary of a Recovering People Pleaser, Jenny dives into the heart of people pleasing- the word YES!
Who is saying your yes? She explains the need to ask yourself daily if your decisions are driven by a true 'yes' or by guilt, shame, or others' expectations. She gives tangible advice on how to start this new habit with journaling.
She highlights the negative impact of inauthentic YES on relationships, using her experience of dating a gamer who neglected her needs. The episode encourages reflection on daily habits to ensure your choices prioritize your own needs and desires. Consistent reflection and incremental changes in behavior can lead to significant personal growth and well-being.
About the Host:
Want to be a guest? Email Jenny: info@meditatewithjenny.com
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Copyright 2024 Jenny Leckey LLC
Transcripts
This is the top question I ask myself, and I highly suggest
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:you ask yourself at least once a
day, if not, when you're making
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:decisions that aren't a hell yeah.
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:You need to ask yourself,
is it me saying yes?
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:Or is it guilt?
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:Is it shame?
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:Someone else's expectations?
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:That is saying yes to this.
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:Woo wee!
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:You're not gonna believe what comes up
when you ask yourself that question.
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:At first, you might feel resistance.
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:I know I did.
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:I actually started by journaling.
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:I would write down where I felt it
in my body, if I had tightness in
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:my chest, or maybe tightness in my
stomach, if I felt physical resistance
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:like that, or if my brain went blank.
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:That's another form of resistance.
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:This question, if asked consistently, will
start to not only bring self awareness,
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:to your decision making and some stuff
that's probably on autopilot in your
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:life, but it will also start building
the habit of making mindful decisions.
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:Sometimes, as people pleasers,
we go on autopilot and it's
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:just easier to people please.
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:It's easier to do stuff that makes other
people happy and put yourself on the
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:back burner because there's more mental
effort, emotional effort, and sometimes
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:physical effort that goes into stopping.
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:Reflecting, pondering, deciding,
and then stating it to someone.
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:That's a lot of steps.
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:When, if this is how things have always
been, and I just suck it up and do
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:it, sometimes that seems like it's
easier, but in the long run, it's not.
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:It really is not good for your well
being, and I'm sure you already know this.
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:I'm preaching to the choir.
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:Essentially, you're abandoning
yourself in micro decisions.
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:I often think back to my Dating
experiences in my 20s, pre healing, pre
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:figuring out my shit, pre even realizing
I was a freaking people pleaser to begin
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:with, I don't even know what that term
was, I don't think, when I was in college
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:or my early 20s, I don't think at all, I
came up with phrases like mother hen or.
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:The cruise director and my
relationships, but I don't think I
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:truly understood the concept of people
pleaser until later down the road.
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:I think back to those relationships
and wasn't I just the greatest
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:girlfriend because I went with
the flow and did what he did.
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:I think about this one relationship,
he was a gamer and at this time
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:I'm in my mid to late twenties and.
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:I would go over to his apartment to hang
out and date night was me getting to
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:sit there watching him play video games
and I just got to, soak up his presence.
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:That was my enjoyment was to
have a glass of wine and I got
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:to sit next to him on the couch.
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:I don't know what the heck.
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:But it was always a yes what he wanted
to do after he relaxed after a long week
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:at work on a Friday night or whatever.
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:What did Jenny want to do?
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:I think I knew deep down, but I put him
first because I wanted him to be happy.
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:And I knew, I didn't need to go out and
hear that live music of A favorite local
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:band that was playing, and socialize,
and have some laughs, and enjoy myself.
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:I could make do, and be happy sitting
here on the couch while you play video
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:games that I have a zero interest in.
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:Sure!
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:No problem!
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:It's fine.
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:It's fine!
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:It reminds me of Ross from Friends.
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:I'm fine!
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:It's fine!
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:Everything's fine!
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:When really, on the inside, it's fine.
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:It's not and it just sits there
simmers until one day it boils
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:over something ridiculous.
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:And the other person is thinking
to themselves, why the hell
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:is she overreacting about not
wanting this sandwich for lunch?
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:Then it all comes to the surface and
it leads to not a great Conversation.
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:If a conversation at all.
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:I just think back to myself then and
realize everyone else, especially in
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:romantic relationships they were the yes.
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:I was the really go with the flow,
accommodating mother hen girlfriend.
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:Then once I realized that about myself,
I went through the stages of grief
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:regretting what I had done.
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:Then angry, then I went to resentful,
and then I went to the level of hopeless.
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:I puttered around there for a little bit,
being anti dating, anti men, anti all that
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:as I worked through What was next for me?
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:That's all I knew was acting that
way, but it didn't feel right,
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:and I was sick of doing that.
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:So then what, right?
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:What do I do now?
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:That's all I've known.
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:I withdrew and pulled back from any
concept of dating or letting any man
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:quote unquote tell me what I'm gonna do.
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:And that's swinging the
pendulum too far the other way.
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:I will say that does tend to
happen, but you know what?
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:If you're dealing with this like
I dealt with in the past, you need
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:to give yourself some grace because
it's not just unpacking boyfriend
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:playing video games instead of
hanging out with you and including
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:you in the decision making process.
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:It's bigger than that.
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:That was just a symptom of a deeper
systemic belief within myself of
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:where I was in the hierarchy of needs.
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:And eventually, I like to say
my give a damn was busted and
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:I had a lot of healing to do.
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:So I'm sure you can
relate to what I'm saying.
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:Now, I stop sometimes I slip
up, it happens, but I stop
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:and check in with myself.
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:Is this a true yes?
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:Or is this a no?
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:Is this a I'm just doing this because
I quote, should, or like I mentioned
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:before, guilt, shame don't want
to disappoint someone, trying to
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:meet someone else's expectations.
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:I always make the disclaimer, I've
done this in other episodes, that
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:There is compromise in relationships.
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:Of course, there's some things that
I do that are not a hell yeah, but I
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:want to support someone in my life,
family, friends, whomever it may be.
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:That's not what I'm talking about here.
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:I'm talking about daily habits and
patterns in the workplace, in your
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:relationships, in everyday life.
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:Are the majority of your yeses your own?
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:true yeses or are they based in
other people's wants and needs?
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:It's going to be uncomfortable.
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:You might have some freakouts like
I did with Video Game Boyfriend.
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:It might not be pretty.
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:You'll make it through.
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:It'll be okay.
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:There is so much more on the
other side of stopping that habit.
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:There is a whole new world over
here, so if you haven't started
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:to cross that bridge, I'm here.
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:I'm with you.
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:You can do this one moment at a time,
one yes at a time, one no at a time.
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:I think that is where you will find
your most growth, your most wins,
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:your Feel good hell yeah stories.
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:I think that's where it begins.
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:So moving forward Can you
dedicate a little time?
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:maybe you want to start at the end of
your day doing a reflection about some
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:things that you said yes to and You
could literally just think it through
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:take yourself back into those moments
in your mind And ask yourself, was
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:this my guess or another person's?
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:Yes.
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:Start noticing patterns and
not criticizing, not judgment.
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:Give yourself some grace.
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:It's not about that.
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:It's about looking at patterns because
we think 60 to 80, 000 thoughts a day.
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:And most of our beliefs and patterns
and systems inside of our brain are set.
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:I forget what the number
is, something like 90 to 95
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:percent of your habits are set.
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:It's programmed in from repetitive
choices you've made over your life.
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:So doing activities like this, just
monitoring and observing where your
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:yeses come from, It's zeroing in
on that 5 percent of your choices.
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:Starting small to make incremental changes
that allow you to expand down the road.
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:I would say you are not
going to have instant shifts.
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:This is rewiring your brain.
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:This is Baby, step by baby step.
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:But you will look back six months from
now and see, holy crap, I've changed.
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:How did that happen?
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:It happened.
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:Little reflection by little reflection.
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:Little no thanks.
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:By little I'll pass little.
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:I'd prefer to do this by, yes.
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:I agree.
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:I would like to do that.
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:Those moments when you are
reflecting and responding will
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:literally change your frigging life.
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:It's done it for me.
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:I'm still recovering and still healing,
but boy is it refreshing to give yourself
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:the frickin permission to say yes or say
no because it's your decision to do it.
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:I leave you with that.
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:If you need other help, Keep
listening to my other episodes.
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:There's tons of little nuggets of wisdom
there and the interviews with people.
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:I will be dropping some guided
meditations and other resources in
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:this podcast in the near future.
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:So make sure you hit subscribe, so you
get alerts and all that great stuff.
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:And you know how podcasts work.
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:So go out there and say some hell
yeses and say some hell no's.
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:I believe in you.
