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Self sabotage, emotional eating, perfectionism and procrastination aren’t random habits or proof that you lack willpower.
In this episode, I’m unpacking the deeper pattern that can sit underneath them all: good girl conditioning. The pressure to be easy, capable, in control and endlessly accommodating might look impressive from the outside, but it can also be a key factor in disconnecingt you from your own needs. Leaving you stuck in exhausting stop-start cycles with food, fitness and your body.
I talk about why this has nothing to do with a lack of discipline, why chasing consistency through pressure often leads straight to burnout, and why learning how to be consistent starts with self-trust, not stricter rules.
Takeaways
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Welcome to the Busy Woman's Guide to Fitness and Wellness, where we celebrate you exactly as you are and help you to be the fit, strong, confident woman you deserve to be.
We tackle everything from diet, culture and body image through to how to let go of the hustle, the pressure and the overwhelm and find your balance and energy in a busy life.
I'm Alix, women's fitness and wellness expert, therapeutic coach, founder of Life Edit with Alix and mum of two, and I'm here with your weekly dose of inspiration, helping you to rewrite the rules and live life on your own terms. Hello there.
Welcome back to the podcast this week where we are talking all about good girl conditioning, because I think it's safe to say I have not met many women over the many years that I've been doing the work that I do who don't have at least a little bit of this going on. And it's no surprise, is it? It's something that is conditioned into us from.
I mean, probably from literally when we're born, we are taught that we look after other people. We are taught that we stay quiet. We are taught that we are. We need to be good. Because if we're not good, then that affects other people.
And so it means that we grow up into women who, yes, we're intelligent, we're capable, we're dependable, we get shit done, we're switched on, we're organized, we're in control, all of those things.
But we are also women who are spending a lot of our lives trying to live up to this good girl conditioning, trying to live up to these expectations that have been created for us.
And I think what I really want to do today is I want to challenge some of that, because I think that what happens when we maybe take a step back and look at this is that we realize that not everything we're doing is for us. A lot of stuff we're doing is for other people.
A lot of stuff we're doing is because we want other people to think that we are good, that we are worthy and all of those things. And so what happens is, number one, it's quite stressful because we. Trying to keep up this. I was gonna say pretense.
It's not a pretense, but we're trying to keep up this image. That's probably what it is, an image of who we are and how we serve other people in our lives and how we look after other people.
How we're not selfish, right? We're not selfish. We're good girls. So there's that side of things, but there's also the side of things where we're tamping down our own desires.
We're tamping down certain parts of ourselves because we want to be the good girl, we want to be quiet, we don't want to cause trou, we don't want other people to think badly of us.
And when you combine all of those things together, what happens is that we end up in a position where we're sort of quietly, we're quietly trying to manage ourselves, we're quietly trying to manage outside perceptions of us all the time to make sure that people think and see certain things about ourselves. And what happens then is that we need an outlet for this. We need something that is going to help us to manage this and be our coping mechanism.
I suppose with all of this stuff and the coping mechanisms that I see happening when we've got that good girl conditioning going on are things like self sabotage.
So you eat the protein overnight, oats for breakfast, you eat that protein packed salad for lunch, you know, all the things that they said were gonna keep you full till dinner time. And yet you get home, you demolish that whole packet of biscuits at the end of the day.
So we end up with behaviors like that because we've spent the day, we've spent a lot of our lives actually suppressing ourselves, suppressing our needs in pursuit of making sure that we're looking after everybody else in making sure that everybody else thinks well of us. So we end up in those self sabotage behaviors.
We end up in these stop start cycles where we're either on it or we're off it and there's no in between. And again, this is partly because we are using it as a coping mechanism because when we're on it, we feel in control, right?
We feel good when we have said no to that bit of cake at work, we feel good when we ate that salad for lunch. We feel good that we were in control of ourselves. But the upshot is going to be that we can't keep that up forever. And so we then have to stop.
Half term is coming.
We know we're going to be going out with the kids a lot, so we end up going, sod it, I'm just going to be off it for the week, I'll be back on it again after half term. And you might not think that's related to good, good girl conditioning, but it absolutely is.
Because again, a lot of the actions that we take when we're in that on it cycle are actions that we are taking because we want other people to think well of us, because we want other people to think that we are in control, because we want to feel proud of our bodies. And there's nothing wrong with wanting that.
But when all of that stuff comes from outside of us, when all of that stuff comes from us trying to please other people, then it does lead into these slightly dysfunctional relationships with ourselves and these dysfunctional patterns that we use to help to manage ourselves, I suppose. And then the other thing that happens is we look in control from the outside. Everybody is looking at us going, God, she's amazing.
She does all of this stuff.
She's taking the kids here, there and everywhere, and she's eating that salad for lunch and she's looking after this person and she's so giving and amazing and all of these things. So from the outside, it looks like we're completely in control. But on the inside, we are not. On the inside, we are running at 100 miles an hour.
We're trying to stay consistent with our food, we're trying to stay consistent with our exercise, we're trying to have more ease and our lives, we're trying to feel good in our bodies.
But because so much of our energy goes towards what other people think of us from the outside, and people thinking of us well and think of us as the good girl, then we end up struggling on the inside and then we end up having to lean into some of these coping mechanisms.
And it can feel super confusing because there's, there's this dissonance, isn't there, between who we are in certain areas of our lives, capable, in control, she knows what she's doing.
And who we are in the area of our own wellbeing, where we feel undisciplined or we feel unmotivated, or we feel confused about how we can be so in control in one area and yet not in the other. And this is something that I see all the time in switched on women.
Because on the one hand, they are leading a team at work, they are running a household, they're hitting deadlines, they're making sure the kids have everything they need. But they're also feeling weirdly inconsistent and out of control with their own body.
So today we're really exploring, like, where is the connection between that and this good girl conditioning?
Because the conditioning that we have had thrust upon us, imposed upon us is that as girls, as women, we need to be good, we need to be reliable, we need to be self controlled, we need to be accommodating. We need to not cause trouble for other people. And so that stuff is what we stay focused on.
And it works pretty well in a lot of areas of our lives, in all of those areas of our lives where we're validated externally or we're doing things for other people. But the problem is that that very same conditioning is the thing that is stopping us from also being able to do that for ourselves.
Because as a good girl, it's selfish to put ourselves top of the list. It's selfish to do things for ourselves.
If you think about at the weekend, for examp, you might think, oh God, you know, I'd really like to go and have a couple of hours to myself to do this yoga class or whatever, or to go to this gong bath or to go shopping by myself, you know, something like that. But we will often hold back on doing those things. We think, no, we, we really should be here for other people.
That's selfish of me to want to do that. That's selfish of me to want to be away from the kids on the weekend or whatever it is. And so we stop ourselves from doing things for ourselves.
And, and that's when we then have to have those other coping mechanisms in our lives. So it's.
The sticking point comes because like I say, when we are externally facing, we're using all of these things that we've built up over the years of being reliable, being in control, being accommodating to others. But we are not able to offer those things to ourselves at the same time. So we become the. Trying to think of what the word is.
We sort of become the victim, the victim of that because we don't get the same level of care. Because it's more important to be good for other people than it is to be good for ourselves or to look after ourselves.
So all the ways that we are sacrificing ourselves to be the good girl and to play that role means that the energy is directed outwards all the time and it's not directed inwards. It creates very little space for ourselves, very little space in terms of how we look after our own wellbeing.
So I want you to really think like, how is that showing up in my life? Because that good girl conditioning is teaching you to be praised for being easy to people, please to be high functioning.
So for example, with me, I am the oldest in my family, I've got two younger brothers. So not only am I the only girl, but I'm the oldest child and you know, my parents didn't do it on Purpose, sort of making me feel more responsible.
But that's what happens. That's what often happens with the oldest child and particularly if that oldest child is a girl.
It becomes expected of you and it's not even said, it's.
Nobody is necessarily saying things overtly to you, but it is almost expected of you that you are going to be more responsible, that you are going to look after other people in your family, that you are going to make life easy for everybody in your family. And that's what happens in that good girl conditioning is that your job becomes make other people comfortable, make other people's lives easier.
And so you don't necessarily allow yourself to do those things for yourself. And so that means that we often become very good at overriding our needs.
We override our emotional needs, we override our capacity, we override stress, we override resentment, we override hunger, all of those things. And we kind of become switched off to what it is that is important to us.
We become switched off to the things that we can be doing to look after ourselves. And so when we then try and build that consistency with food, with fitness, with the things that we're doing for our bodies, we do it.
We don't do it from a place of connection and self trust, we do it from a place of compliance.
We do it from a place of look at me, I'm in control, look at me, I'm eating amazingly, look at me, I can say no to the cake, look at me, I go to the gym four times a week, aren't I amazing? And it's not a sense of, you know, when I say that you're like, well, I'm not showing off to everybody because I'm doing those things. No, you're not.
But there will be a part of you, and I know this has certainly been true for me, where you take a lot of pride from that level of control that you can create, create in your life. And so it becomes about control. It becomes about complying with what is expected of you.
Because of course, as a good girl, you also have to be slim and you have to be a certain dress size and all of those things as well. And so that's what we become focused on rather than focused on the connection with ourselves and that self trust with ourselves.
So when we're trying to create healthy habits, what happens is we build them in a way that becomes another way to prove ourselves, to prove that we are doing stuff right.
So we don't learn to listen to ourselves, we learn to be good and to be good, we have to override our own needs to a certain extent, because our own needs have become selfish. So the problem with all of this is that you're trying to get it right. You're trying to do it perfectly.
You're looking outside of yourself for rules, for certainty. You're trying harder. You're searching for more motivation, because that is the way that you've done.
Everything in your life is looking for that external validation.
And not external validation so that you can have a great big ego, but external validation so that you feel worthy, external validation so that you feel that you are doing enough. External validation so that you feel that you are a good person.
And so we drop into this trap of get it right, be perfect, get somebody else to tell you, because the world has told you for the rest of your life what you should be doing, how you should be acting, if you're too much, if you're not, not enough. You know, for me, it wasn't about being too much. It was always, you're not enough. Oh, you're too quiet, you're too shy, you should speak up more.
I had a lot of that going on when I was younger, and on the one hand, being quiet and, you know, it was very difficult because being quiet and not being too much trouble for people and doing everything that I was told to do that was seen as, oh, she's really good. I would get praised for that.
But then on the flip side of it, because I was doing all that, I was told, you're not enough, you're too quiet, you're too shy, you need to speak up more. And that was very confusing for me because I am an introvert.
And it always felt like, rather than people just being able to like me for who I was, I had to try and be something else. I had to try and prove myself in a way that just didn't feel comfortable to me. And I think that a lot of us have had that.
I'm sure that a lot of you listening will have had that very similar experience of being told you were too quiet, you weren't enough.
But some of you will also have had the experience of, you're too much, you're too loud, you need to calm down, you need to be quieter, you need to be easier. So I think almost whichever end of the scale is this not just the lifelong problem for women is that we can never just be quite right.
We're always too much of one thing or too much of the other thing. We're never allowed to just be who we are. And so it means that we end up looking outside of ourselves.
We look outside of ourselves to know that we are doing things the way that we should be. Because that's the only way that's safe is when we see what other people are saying about us and we react to what other people are saying about us.
That is the only way that we can. We're surviving in the world.
And even though we're grown adults now, you know, I'm gonna be 50 this year and I am getting my head around it and I'm going, do you know what? I'm an introvert. So fricking what? I've got better over the years. I will speak up more.
I'm a lot less shy than I used to be when I was younger, all of those things. But at the same time I'm able to look at myself and go, do you know what? Sod them. Because that's just who I am.
And rather than, I think particularly for women, rather than the outside world going, hey, that's just who you are. Let's work with it. People are always saying to you, it's not enough.
You need to do this, you need to do that to be, to be the person that we need you to be, to be the person that we want you to be. And so, yeah, we end up looking outside of ourselves because we feel that other people have got the answer.
And that's why we end up swinging from perfection to collapse A lot of the time. It's not because we don't have, we don't have discipline or anything like that.
It's because we're using these, these same patterns that have served us throughout our lives. We're showing up in that good girl energy for everybody else.
But that's never going to work for you and for your well being because it is always going to be reacting to what somebody else is telling you to do rather than you responding to the things that you need. Because what we really need to be doing is creating that stronger relationship with ourselves, having that deep understanding of ourselves.
So me, for example, actually going, do you know what? I am an introvert. And that is okay. We need introverts in this world. We can't all be bloody extroverts. We just can't be.
And so being able to lean into that and trust that, that's okay. And I definitely have gone there and said, it's okay that you're an introvert.
It's okay that you're not in the middle of the conversation all the time. It's okay that you watch and you observe more than you, but are in there and you're part of it. That's just who you are, and that's okay. So, yeah.
So having that stronger relationship with yourself, having a deeper understanding of your own needs as well. I think when we can recognize that good girl energy and we can step away from it, we're able to do that.
We can react to our own cues, our own needs, rather than always for the sake of external approval, rather than always looking outside of ourselves for those messages about who we should be and what we should be doing. And I think when we can start to do that, we have that more easeful relationship with ourselves.
And that more easeful relationship means that we can start recognizing our hunger cues, for example, we can start recognizing what we actually need rather than what we think we should need. So if you're recognizing yourself here, if you are that woman, you're like, I'm competent, I'm organized. I'm in control in so many areas of my life.
And yet by Thursday, I'm tired, I'm reacting to cravings. I'm thinking to myself, why do I always do this to myself? Then it's worth having a look at that good girl energy. What is going on with that?
Because it has got you so far in life, definitely.
But it could also be the very thing that is holding you back from transforming right now, from transforming your relationship with food, from transforming your relationship with your body. This is about coming back inwards.
This is about no more people pleasing, not trying to make everybody else happy, trying to look after you and make yourself happy. What is it that would make you happy? What is it that would feel good to you? Those are the things that we want to be talking about.
So if you are stuck in that particular loop, I want you to ask yourself this. Where in my life am I still trying to be good rather than being really honest about what I need? So think about the energy you're trying from now.
Is it the energy of try harder, do it right, prove myself? Or is it the energy of reconnecting with what you need? Do you have very defined ideas of what being good and what being bad looks like?
And what do you think it means about you when you are bad? We have a lot of this around food, don't we? Oh, I'm being really naughty having this. I've been really good all week. We do a lot of that.
And again, it becomes this. This moral compass. If you have been good with food, it makes you a good person, right? Because that means you're in control.
That means you're disciplined. Being bad, that's terrible because that means you are not disciplined and good girls are disciplined people.
So again, do you have those defined ideas of being good and being bad? And do you maybe veer between the two of them? And when you do start a new on it phase, where does that come from?
Does it come from a place of needing to feel totally in control, or does it come from a place of curiosity and noticing what your needs are? So have a think about that.
Because that good girl energy, it's going to keep you trapped in trying harder, getting it right, being good, being in control.
Whereas the energy that's going to lead to that deeper transformation is going to come from inside of you, from looking at your beliefs and being curious, from being flexible around what you need and what you want.
So before I finish today, and if you feel like this episode has spoken to you and you want to go a little bit deeper, and if you often feel like you know exactly what you should be doing around food and fitness, but you can't quite seem to find the consistency that you need, then come and join me for a free 30 minute live clarity masterclass where you are going to discover the real reasons that you keep sabotaging your progress of food and fitness even though you are disciplined in every other area of your life.
We're going to explore why trying harder hasn't worked for you, why a lack of knowledge definitely is not the issue, and why making new plans can just make everything worse. And you're going to come out of that masterclass with a much deeper understanding of the hidden drives of self sabotage.
The real ones, not the ones you think that they are.
So you know exactly where you need to focus to start finding the consistency that you're craving right now so you can finally eat in a way that feels more nourishing, you can move in a way that feels more easeful, you can feel good in your own skin again. So I'm going to put the link for this masterclass in the show notes for you to to find out more and sign up. It all happens on Monday 13th April.
You're going to get sent the recording afterwards as well.
But do try and join live because if you join live, you're also going to be able to stay on for the Q and A and mini coaching at the end where I'm going to answer your questions related to your particular patterns and help you to personally identify your next step. So come and join me for that. I can't wait for that one.
And with all that said, I'm going to love you and leave you and I'll see you back here again next time. Thank you as always, for joining me.
If this episode has hit home, share it with another woman who needs to hear it and come connect with me on Instagram at Life Edit with Alix for more real talk, mindset shifts and daily inspiration.