Sara was the baby in her family of four biological half brothers to one another, and one other brother who was also adopted like her just like her. When she hit puberty, a naturally more emotional time in our lives, she lost her grandmother, someone who never made her feel like an adoptee. She found her way out of the darkness from a suicide attempt and substance addiction, but still she hadn’t escaped depression. When she found her biological mother things started out well, but they turned grim when Sara caught the woman in lies about her biological father’s identity. In the end, her journey has taken a turn for the positive, but she lost many relationships that were important to her along the way. Still, Sara says she has no regrets.

The post 014 – I Would Not Have Made It Without My Faith appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

Sara (00:05):

So for two years I'm believing he's my father. My kids finally meet them. We spend holidays, everything together, but something in my head saying really, really small. What if he's not your father?

Voices (00:23):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon (00:30):

This is Who Am I Really, a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members.

Damon (00:49):

Hey, it's Damon, and on the show today, I'm joined by Sarah. Sarah has lived in Indianapolis all of her life and all of her life, she's known she was an adoptee. In her family, there were six siblings, four older boys who are not adoptees and one brother who is also an adoptee and then Sara, the baby in the family. She said that even though she grew up with the knowledge that she was an adoptee, she had it very rough in her teenage years because she is adopted. Sarah battled depression, faced post traumatic stress disorder and even attempted suicide. She says she carried the emotional baggage of being adopted with her until she finally started to do something about it and search for her biological family. Her journey began with tremendous luck in finding her family very quickly, thanks to the great work of search angels. But her luck didn't hold out as lies were uncovered. And a DNA test proved that the man whom she thought was her biological father really was not. Here's Sarah's journey.

Damon (01:51):

Sarah says she was the baby in her family of four biological half-brothers to one another and one other, a brother, who was also adopted just like her

Sara (02:00):

For starters, Um, it's kind of cool in a sense. I'm the only girl, so I was very, very spoiled in that sense. Um, having all older brothers, I'm not the only adoptee, the youngest boy, he's also adopted, but we're not related at all. So that was something always cool to grow up with that we can relate to each other in that sense of both being adopted. Growing up wise, I'd say in a city, I didn't know anyb,ody at all, like myself besides my brother who was adopted. That's all my friends, they're born in their biological families, so I didn't have any friends that were adopted either, and most of them it was, they didn't even believe I was even adopted. It was like one of those things you'd say, I am adopted. They'd be like, nah, you look so much like your mom. And I never saw it. But yeah, I never saw it. So it's kind of funny when they get around my mom and I have to be like, mom, tell him I'm adopted so and so. They don't believe me. It was kind of weird kind of thing that they do. I was like the only odd man out on one besides my brother. I've always known I was adopted.

Damon (03:03):

Yeah. You grew up knowing.

Sara (03:05):

Yeah, I knew. I never knew an age exactly when it was. I was told, I just, I've always known it. It never bothered me at all until about the age of 14 that's probably when it all came crashing down. Hit me pretty hard.

Damon (03:19):

So. Sara's 14. She's hit puberty, which is a naturally more emotional time in all of our lives and she's lost her grandmother. Someone who never made her feel like an adoptee at all. What Sarah felt was favorite status with her grandmother, had disappeared with her death. I asked Sarah about whether she went to therapy and whether it was helpful during that dark time.

Sara (03:41):

All the questions started hitting me then all of a sudden. I mean of course growing up I would always have the thoughts of, okay, you know, what's my birth mom or dad like and then it just disappear within a few seconds of thinking of it, no big deal. And then when I would hit 14 all of a sudden it was, Whoa, wait a minute. Why was I given up? Okay, they didn't love me then I wasn't, you know, worth it or I was just totally like garbage or all these just horrible thoughts. None of them were good anymore. Like you know, adopted family want to tell you that you're a chosen child and it was so wonderful and beautiful. I all of a sudden I wasn't looking at it like that anymore and it became very, very dark to where I attempted suicide. That year, my grandmother passed and she was on my adopted mothers side and growing up she was probably the main one who I never felt adopted at all, so that hit me along at the same year and then the rest of my adoptive family just seemed to change at the same time with it because I was pretty much like a favorite in her eyes versus against them. It just seemed like all of it was going away and it was all getting darker and darker for me and I was starting to become angrier and angrier about being adopted and not liking it at all. Wasn't such a cool thing after all.

Damon (05:02):

So I assume you got some help after your suicide attempt. Did you talk about being an adoptee during that time period and what kinds of things help you through that dark time?

Sara (05:13):

Actually, I had no help like that. Looking back, I probably should have been in therapy. I'm in therapy now for it. But looking back, I never had anyone, even though like I said, mentioned my brother is adoptee, hit him and I look at it differently and we could talk about it. But back then at the same time he's four years older than me. We hated each other then it was a normal, you know, sibling bill. So I really had no one at all to talk to, but pretty much, God actually my faith was probably the main thing that helped me up and kept me going back then as well. But really there was no therapy or no teachers or pastors or no one to talk to it.

Damon (05:57):

So in the absence of someone else to talk to, what did you tell yourself? How did you make yourself realize that life was worth living in? This was not something worth ending your life for?

Sara (06:10):

Wow, that's really an awesome question. I think that again, probably does go back to my faith. Um, I would still continue to have suicidal thoughts of course. Cause obviously I think that's when the depression did hit me. And of course when that did happen, obviously the, you know, normal society, Oh, you're depressed, let's, you know, throw the antidepressants at you. So obviously I knew that was there, but um, a peace would still come over me. When other evolves wanting to harm myself again or that those panic attacks would happen, I can just throw them off to the side but still wanting to go on. I would think there was still some, there's like a fire inside of me that I still wanted to keep going pretty much.

Damon (06:50):

That's a great thing to keep burning. I'm glad you discovered that fire and fueled that fire with your own faith. That's amazing. She found her way out of the darkness from suicide, but still she hadn't escaped depression, which also led her down a dark path of its own substance abuse and addiction.

Sara (07:09):

My birth mother was a teen mom along to my adopted mother, so I became one at 17 so that, you know, there went school, there went everything like I dreamed of. I was, I was a young child and then as time went on in my twenties, to help deal with the pain that I had that started at age 14 I would press it with drugs becoming an addict. That was an 11 year battle that I had to deal with and fought a lot by myself as well as trying to hide that from the world too. At the same time as dealing with depression or in being an adoptee and a mom, a wife, all of it rolled into one while hiding it and it was definitely a rough time until three years ago when I had enough and was able to get clean and break that, but it's like always, of course goes back to that one primal wound of course, and being adopted.

Damon (08:07):

That's another powerful victory for you. I mean it sounds, again like you didn't have any therapy and that you broke free from addiction. It sounds almost relatively on your own. Is that an accurate?

Sara (08:17):

Yep. Correct.

Damon (08:18):

Wow. How did you do that

Sara (08:21):

Again, really, I would have to say it really is faith. It really is.

Damon (08:25):

That's amazing.

Sara (08:26):

A lot of people do laugh at that or they don't get it and I know there are a lot adoptees who do and I get why they do feel that way, hate God or they're against it. Where I'm on the other side of that spectrum whereas I wouldn't have made it without that because that was my only standing friend. There was my faith and God right there.

Damon (08:45):

Sierra survived another deep valley in her life climbing out on the strength of her faith. She decided that she wanted to find her biological family when she got older. She had been mother for a while herself and had started her search in her twenties but that was a time when she was still suffering from addiction and an era before the internet offered easy access and resources for people to find and connect with others.

Sara (09:08):

Three years ago, I started online and messed around a little bit and then I found a group on Facebook called search squad and it's full of search angels and they do it all for free and they help you find your bicycle family and I've always known him growing up. My birth, mother's name, her first and last name. And I had two younger brothers by her and that were born right after I was, cause she had me at the age of 14 and then right after that right smack after me came a boy and then so on. So I've always known that just pretty much my whole life. How am I mom found out? I don't know, but that's just what I've always known. So since I had that information I would, I put it into the group and an awesome search angel, her first name is Cher.

Sara (09:52):

Um, she picked it up and it was easy to find out some information by her and bam, within then probably a couple hours I got a message back. Okay, here's your birth mom. She's married to this man. Here's a bunch of addresses. And I took it from there and I was able to find the man she was married to. They were always married but separated for so many years. And then he gives me the biggest shock of all. Apparently my birth mother had another daughter five years after I was born and put her up for adoption in the state of Kentucky. This is me. Like I said, I had six brothers so my whole life is I want a sister. So I was just, I mean emotions are everywhere. I'm just, I was crying. I was like, Oh my God, instant love because I've always known the boys were there.

Sara (