People are an expression of what they value most, what’s most important to them. If you don't take the time to find out what they value most, you're not likely to have a real powerful communication. You'll end up with alternating monologues, not inspiring dialogues. Join Dr John Demartini and learn how to build both personal and professional relationships by understanding the basic drivers of human behavior and how that relates to mastering the art of effective communication.

USEFUL LINKS:

Free Masterclass | Balancing Emotions: https://demartini.fm/emotions

Learn More About The Breakthrough Experience: demartini.fm/experience

Learn More About The Demartini Method: demartini.fm/demartinimethod

Determine Your Values: demartini.fm/knowyourvalues

Claim Your Free Gift: demartini.fm/astro

Join our Facebook community: demartini.ink/inspired

Mentioned in this episode:

The Breakthrough Experience

For More Information or to book for The Breakthrough Experience visit: demartini.fm/seminar

Well all communication is a form of sales in some respect,

you're selling what's important to you in terms of what's important to them.

And if you help them get what they want to get in life,

they tend to want to give you what you want in life.

And the topic today is gonna be the mastering the art of communication.

Now,

what I share right now will be applicable not only in intimate

relationships with a partner, children,

employees, customers, social context, friends, vendors,

the principal that I'm about to apply applies in any form of relationship

whatsoever.

And I'm gonna be talking about the art of communicating and

mastering it and sharing with you something practical you can do that can

enhance that.

A lot of relationships break down because of communication issues.

And this is something that I'm sure you've all,

everybody here has listened and experienced in some

So if you got something to write with and write on,

you might want to take some notes or maybe record and listen to this.

Every human being, regardless of age,

spectrum of gender, culture,

lives moment by moment by a set of priorities, a set of values,

things that are most to least important in their life.

So each individual has a unique set of priorities.

And this set is fingerprint specific, retinal pattern specific,

snowflake specific. Nobody has exactly the same set of values.

Whatever the set of values is, you filter through your senses your reality,

you make decisions according to it,

whatever gives you the most advantage over disadvantage, according to them,

and you take actions and make decisions to act according to

these values. So the hierarchy of your values dictates your destiny,

but also dictates who you are. In fact,

the very highest value that an individual revolves around,

their identity revolves around it. So in my case,

one of my highest values is teaching. And so if you ask me,

who are you? Ontologically I would say, well, I'm a teacher.

Cause that's what I spend most of my life doing.

If you had a woman who was raising beautiful children

question, even though she may be a teacher at school,

but if her highest value is her family, she'll say, I'm a mother.

So your ontological identity revolves around what you value most.

So tell me what you value most,

tell me what's highest on your values and I'll tell you your identity.

Now, every human being wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are.

And for both sides of who they are. Cuz if somebody supports those values,

highest values, you tend to open up to 'em.

If they challenge those highest values, you tend to close down on 'em.

So you can be nice, mean, kind, cruel, supported back or challenging back,

and you can be, in a sense,

playing out different personas or masks,

but both of them revolve around what you value most.

And whatever is what's highest on your value,

you're spontaneously inspired from within to do it. So this is where you excel.

This is where you are, you shine. This is where you expand.

This is where you achieve. Now,

everybody wants to be loved and appreciate who they are,

who they are revolves around what their highest value is.

And when you're in a relationship, whatever the relationship is,

you wanna be respected for that, you wanna be loved for that,

you wanna be appreciated for that.

If I ask people and I've asked millions of people in seminars around the world,

how many of you wanna be loved and appreciate who you are?

Everybody puts their hand up. And that includes both sides.

The part that when they're supported, it's nice,

and the part that's challenged gets mean, both sides.

They wanna be loved for all of it. You want somebody who loves you for that.

You want somebody that understands that,

and you want to have sustainable exchange with people. Now, what does that mean?

If somebody supports you, you tend to build yourself up.

If somebody challenges you, you tend to put yourself down sometimes.

And so what happens is you have these personas that oscillate around the real

you. When you're proud,

you tend to be narcissistic and want others to live in your values and give you

things you might say, and get something for nothing.

And when you're maybe shamed and minimizing yourself,

you can sometimes sacrifice for others almost altruistically giving something

for nothing. Think about this. When you've been infatuated with somebody,

you tend to, because you don't wanna lose them,

your fear of loss of them make you sacrifice what's

fit into what's with them. And eventually that doesn't work and you resent that.

You say, I want my life back.

So if you exaggerate somebody and minimize yourself, that's not you.

And it's not them, the exaggerated self. And if you minimize them,

you're trying to get them to live in your values and you exaggerate yourself.

And whenever you exaggerate or minimize yourself you're not being your real

self. So nature tends to, in order to be loved for who you are,

tends to give feedback, if you get cocky, you get criticism to be brought down,

pride before the fall, and if you get humble, you get lifted up.

To try to get you back into authenticity,

where you're loved and appreciated for who you are. And until you are authentic,

you can't really expect to be loved and appreciated who you are.

So in relationships, you've got two people with completely unique set of values,

fingerprint specific, trying to communicate.

And you can have a full spectrum,

cuz the world is a full spectrum out there with values.

You have people with different sets of values in the sense that they may have,

their highest value may be intellectual pursuits,

another person may be business pursuits,

another might have wealth building pursuits, other ones,

family rearing pursuits, social, social political,

or influence pursuits or possible leadership roles,

physical health and wellbeing,

yogis or nutritionists or something or health professionals,

or you might have some spiritual quest.

Everybody's got a different highest value and identity that they tend to pursue

and live by.

So even the very highest value is also teleological in a sense,

it's the thing that they feel is most meaningful and purposeful in their life

and that they spontaneously love doing.

And when they do something they love spontaneously doing and if they can be

around somebody who can honor that,

they feel comfortable being around that person and that helps the dynamic,

the relationship. Now,

if you have a full spectrum of people out there,

there's gonna be some people that are more similar to you and some people that

are different from you, in as far as values.

Some that are easier to get along with, called friends, some that are difficult,

called enemies.

But it's been found that maximum growth and development of all human beings,

is a balance of support and challenge. If you get highly supported and put up,

you can become in a sense juvenilely dependent on that person.

And if they challenge you, you can become precociously independent.

So nature is always trying to bring those into balance between the supporters

and challenge in life to keep you authentic.

But now let's say you have a relationship with somebody.

They have a different set of values.

How do you relate to 'em if it's completely different?

Particularly if it's widely different. You know,

when you have more similarities than differences,

you are infatuated with people.

When you have more differences than similarities, you

commonly. When you see a balance of similarities and differences,

you have love for somebody.

That's why you get maximum growth right at that point. So here's a question.

If one person has one set of values and their highest values are who they

identify by, and there's another one with a different set of values,

completely different, how do they relate to each other?

If one's a business leader and one's a manager or an executive,

or one's an executive, one's a manager, one's a manager, one's a supervisor,

a supervisor, and a salesperson or a salesperson and a customer,

or a parent and a child, or a parent and a spouse,

or a sister or brother or a friend. Whatever it is,

their values are gonna be different. No two people are exactly the same,

if they were, one's not necessary.

So there's a very interesting question that you want to ask since people wanna

be loved who they are and it's their highest value.

And I hope you write this down. It's a gold mine. It's so simple,

but it means a lot. You ask this question, so write this down,

make sure you get this. How specifically

is the top three highest values in this individual, the

thing that's most meaningful, most inspiring, most important to them,

how is it helping me fulfill my top three highest values?

What's most important, meaningful and inspiring to me. Now,

if you can't answer that and you can't see what they're dedicated to is serving

you, you're going to be when you're around them challenged,

you're gonna get puffed up,

you're gonna talk down to 'em and you're gonna have a monologue talking down,

trying to change them and project your values onto 'em and try to get them to

change.

Everyone here has had people around them trying to project their values onto

'em. You should do this. You ought do this. You're supposed to do this.

You gotta do this. You have to do this. You need to do this. You must do this.

And there's a part of you that resists that,

cuz you wanna be loved for who you are and I don't wanna have to live under

other people's imperative projections.

So if you don't see how what they're dedicated to is serving you,

you have a tendency to be proud of your own values,

cuz everybody thinks their values are correct, and

you tend to project your values onto them. And then what's happening is,

instead of having a dialogue, you'll have a monologue.

You'll be speaking down to them or trying to change them,

which pushes people away. People aren't interested in that,

they wanna be loved who they are, they don't wanna be told how they should be.

And so if you can't see what they're dedicated is serving you,

you're gonna wanna change 'em so you can get what you want,

because there's a tendency to wanna surround yourself with people that support

your values and avoid people that challenge it.

Now that's not the wisest way to grow. You need both challengers and supporters,

but that's the natural amygdala tendency, the subcortical tendency,

our animal nature to avoid predator and seek prey.

So we tend to have a desire to be proud and be right and to avoid challengers.

But actually what that does is makes us talk down to people and have

a monologue where they're listening and we're speaking, which turns people away.

And now what happens is when that occurs, that makes challenges them.

They get kind of belligerent, they get self righteous,

they get their amygdala activated.

Cuz when you challenge 'em their amygdala comes online,

and then what happens is they then do the thing back and they project back cuz

they can't see how what you're dedicated to is serving their highest values.

So then they talk down and now you have another monologue going back and you're

not listening while they're speaking and they're not listening when you're

speaking, you have what is called an alternating monologue.

So nobody really hears what anybody's saying.

And you hear people in arguments like that,

well you're not listening to what I'm saying, listen to me, look at me,

look in my eyes.

But when you actually can see how specifically what their

highest values are, and first know what they are,

and then see how they serve you and how they help you fulfill what's most

important to you, you're grateful for them. You appreciate them.

You feel love for them.

You see that they're actually assisting you in fulfilling your life.

That doesn't mean that they have to have similar values,

it just means that whatever they have as values,

you can see how it helps you fulfill yours. So I'm

How specifically are the top three values of this

individual or even the top value, most important value,

how is what they're dedicated to,

what's most meaningful and inspiring and fulfilling to their life,

how's it helping me fulfill mine? Now, if you answer that,

I don't mean one time, not two times, not five, not even 10 times,

but 30 to 50 times. The more you do,

the more your brain neuroplastically literally moderates its

myelinization in the brain,

which is the mylen sheath that helps nerve conduction,

and neuroplastically changes the brain in such a way where when you see them,

instead of avoiding them or trying to change 'em or fix them,

you listen and respect them.

Respect is a perfect balance of praise and reprimand, where you see both sides.

Remember if you infatuate with somebody you see similars,

if you resent somebody you see differences.

When you see similars and differences, support and challenge equally,

you maximally grow,

and we are designed to maximally grow in what our highest value is.

So when we can see that and ask the questions that help us see that we

appreciate and love this individual and maximally grow. Now,

as you answer this question, 30, 40, 50 times,

I sometimes do 80 for some couples, the

more you do the more you appreciate them for who they are.

And when you love people and appreciate 'em for who they are,

they turn into who you love. It's really amazing watching it.

I've been doing it in the Breakthrough Experience program,

which I've been teaching for 32, almost 33 years. Next month will be 33 years.

I've been watching when somebody loves somebody for who they are,

there's a shift that goes on and they actually are receiving back love.

And that's what they want.

Now you also don't wanna stop at the idea that you now can see how what they're

dedicated to serves you,

but in order for you to communicate in their values where they feel value outta

you, you wanna ask the next question;

how specifically is what I'm dedicated to, my highest top three values, what

is most fulfilling and meaningful to me, inspires me,

how's it help them fulfill theirs? Now,

if you can't answer that you won't be able to articulate what's important to you

in terms of what's important to them where they're gonna listen.

And then you're gonna end up getting belligerent and righteous and trying to

change them again. You know, imagine,

if you were to go out and sale in a customer, get sales,

you would have to communicate in their buying motive, what their needs are.

If you don't know what it is, it's hard to sell 'em. Well,

all communication is a form of sales and in some respect,

you're selling what's important to you in terms of what's important to them.

And if you help them get what they want to get in life,

they tend to want to give you what you want in life. And that's the,

how it escalates.

And what it does is when you can see how what they're doing is serving you and

what you're doing is serving them and you've really expanded your awareness of

doing it, you create a dialogue.

And a dialogue is where you're having both people communicating what's

meaningful to the individual in a meaningful way. And that's not,

it's like an exercise you can train, it's not something,

what we do is we go to a sales training in order to get sales to get our income,

but we don't go to a relationship training sometimes and learn how to

communicate in people's values, even though it's the same thing.

But taking the time to find out what they're dedicated to is serving you and

what you're dedicated to is serving them, is extremely invaluable.

So I'm just gonna emphasize it again and go through the question again,

in case you didn't get it down fast enough. How specifically

is the top first,

second or third highest values in this individual,

the thing that's most meaningful, inspiring, and important to them,

most fulfilling to them, how is what they're dedicated to,

what do they spontaneously do without having to be motivated?

What do they spontaneously do, cause that tells you what they value.

I spontaneously teach. I teach every single day. I'm researching,

writing or teaching every day. So my top three are that.

So you take the top three,

you look at what they spontaneously love doing that they just do,

their life revolves around it, their identity revolves around it,

their purpose revolves around it.

That's what they wanna be loved for and appreciated for it.

How specifically is what that is helping you fulfill what yours is?

And don't stop that, and don't say, I don't know, it's not, that's the problem,

we have two different things in common. It doesn't matter what their values are.

There's no two value structures between two people that can't be linked.

And I've had people of extreme opposites that want to kill each other almost,

they literally in the middle of a divorce and we do this exercise and all of a

sudden they're just,

they calm down and all of a sudden they're relating to each other and they're

starting to dialogue.

I've demonstrated this in my values training program when I do to consultants

and coaches,

and it's a gold mine and almost everybody that learns how to do that they go,

there's an instant value that you can offer clients and instantly

assist people in their relationship. Cuz relationships are huge.

As far as the dynamics, business wise, financial wise, relationship wise,

health wise, everything. Cause if you're not communicating, you're distressed,

and that takes its toll on your healthwise.

And you're not inspired when you're not able to communicate and you wanna be

loved for who you are, as I said so. But by asking that question and doing that,

the respect level goes up,

because you're now able to see that no matter what it is,

whether it's supportive or challenging, they both serve.

And when you can see what they're dedicated to is serving you,

you have a dialogue.

And a dialogue is through the tongue and through the ability to see that you

have what I call intimate relationship.

Intimate relationship is when you're not looking down on somebody,

you're not too proud to admit what you see in them is inside you.

And you're not looking up to somebody where you're too humble to admit what you

see in them is inside you.

You're looking across 'em and you're realizing what you see in them is inside

you.

You have something of equal value and you're communicating that value in terms

of what they value. Now there's another little exercise.

So that's the first one.

How specifically is what they're dedicated to helping you fulfill what you're

dedicated to? And Now how do you determine that?

I'm just gonna little share this. Go to my website, dr.demartin.com

go to determine your values, find that on my website,

and go through a 30 minute little presentation,

a little questionnaire that you go through, and answer 13 questions.

It'll take you 30 minutes. It'll be private. It'll be free.

Doesn't cost you anything. And you can store it there.

No one will see it except you. And you can come back and do it again.

Cuz the first time you do it,

you might lie to yourself and not wanna admit what you really your life is

demonstrating that's important to you, cuz most people don't really be honest,

they're not honest with themselves first time, but do it again,

until you can really look at what your life is really demonstrating that's

important to you so you know to expect from yourself what you're going to do.

Anytime you try to expect yourself to do something low on your values,

you automatically going to let yourself down.

Anytime you expect somebody else to live in your values or live in lower values

on their hierarchy, you're gonna feel betrayed.

They're not gonna live in your values.

And anytime you project your values on them, when people,

when somebody says well so and so betrayed me. No, they didn't betray you.

They're living according their values.

You weren't aware of what they were and you expected 'em to live in something

other than what they actually are.

And they're making decisions according to what they think will give more

advantage than disadvantage at that moment. So if they did something,

that means that something came along that's offering more in their value system

than what you're offering and they moved and did something different.

That's not betrayal.

It's labeled that way out of people who don't understand values,

but it's just human beings trying to fulfill their lives.

And you're doing the same.

And if you stop and reflect and see where you've of same things in your life,

you'll see easily that you've done the same without maybe wanting to admit it.

So go in there and do the Value Determination, know

And when you meet somebody you want to have a relationship with, a spouse, kids,

whatever, you might want to suggest to them to do the same, because,

and you don't say, Hey Joe, you need to go do this exercise. No.

You say Joe or Mary or whatever their name is.

I feel that you're an important person in my life.

And sometimes I don't listen to you well,

and I don't feel like I'm communicating effectively or respectfully.

And I've been learning something more recently on how to more effectively

communicate with respect. And if I knew what was really,

really important to you and I didn't project assumptions and I didn't throw my

should's and supposed to's and have to's onto you,

I feel I could more appreciate you and respect and communicate effectively.

Is there any way I could have you go through a little process,

it will take a bit of time,

so we can look at what's really important to you so I can then find out how it

serves me and I can communicate it more effectively.

I don't find people having resistance if you make it a win for them.

So if you go and have them and yourself do that on people that are really

important, just you and your circle of people that you most interact with.

Take the time to do that.

Or indirectly do it by looking at what the questions are in their life and look

at what their life is demonstrating so it gives you at least a good indication

of it. You're going to have a higher probability of

not alternating monologues, but if you do that and you make the links,

the more links you make, the higher the respect.

I did an exercise in Tokyo to a group of about 60 or 70

consultants and facilitative coaches.

And we had two people who'd never met each other,

determine their values and sit down and do this exercise for

about two hours.

They literally asked how specifically is this top value helping me fulfill this

one? And they took the top value from each of them and they did 30 links and 30

links. They took the first one and the second one, 30 links, 30 links.

This first one and this second one, 30 links, 30 links.

Then they took the second one and the second one and they made links.

And they spent two hours making links as far as they could get down on to the

top three. When they were through the rapport,

the communication, the respect level,

the interest in knowing each other was skyrocketed. In fact,

out of 66 exactly, I remember the name,

66 people in the room, 33 pairs,

when they were this process, out of the 33 pairs,

27 of those pairs started doing business with each other.

They had never met each other.

They were doing business transactions when they got through.

That's what it does,

because if you can see how what they're dedicated to is serving what you're

dedicated and vice versa,

you have a dialogue and you feel respected and you feel appreciated

and you feel love and people wanna do business with somebody.

And the oxytocin and the trust and vasopressin,

the hormones and enkephalins and endorphins,

these compounds go up in the brain and you feel that you can trust them.

But realize trust is not what people do.

You can only trust somebody to live according to their top values.

And when you know them and see how they serve you, you allow them to do that.

And therefore they be perceived as trustworthy,

because you're not expecting them to live outside what their values are.

You're not setting yourself up for betrayal.

So it's a huge difference in the art of communication. Now,

one last thing before I close on this,

I developed a methodology that I teach in the Breakthrough Experience called the

Demartini Method. And this is a gold mine of helping people

respect and appreciate each other in addition to this exercise,

and that is to ask;

what specific trait action or inaction do you perceive this individual

displaying or demonstrating that you admire most or despise most?

Because if you admire 'em and put 'em on a pedestal,

you'll minimize yourself to 'em. If you despise them,

you'll tend to be too proud to admit it and exaggerate yourself with them.

And both of those make it difficult to have fair communication.

But if you go and identify what those traits are you admire and despise,

and then you go look within yourself and identify where and when you display or

demonstrate those same behaviors in your own way, in your own value systems.

And I've done this on hundred thousands of people, believe it or not,

you will find if you look where you're doing the same behavior, in fact,

you don't admire people or despise people unless they remind you of some part of

you that you're too humble or too proud to admit but you have.

When you go and identify where it is and you level the playing field and

realize, oh my God, they're not doing anything I don't do.

It calms down the judgment and increases the dialogue.

If you go even one step further and ask on the things that you disliked about

'em or despised about 'em, what are the benefits to you and ask,

how did it serve you? How did their behavior serve you?

And the ones that you admire, how is it a disservice to you?

And level those back out,

you'll increase the probability of sustainable fair exchange.

Cuz when you're puffed up, you tend to want to get something for nothing.

When you're beat down, you tend to give something for nothing.

When you're equal, you tend to exchange something for something,

a sustainable fair exchange.

Every relationship is striving for androgyny and sustainable fair exchange.

Androgyny means to put the estrogen and the testosterone in a balance.

If you get too soft or too harsh,

nature tends to bring you back into equilibrium.

And so if you do the Demarini Method,

which is the questions that help you neutralize the emotional baggage,

so you can respect them that way, and do the value linking,

you just changed the dynamic of relationship communication,

the art of communication is enhanced by those two mechanisms.

And I encourage you to please go to my website and do the Value Determination

process. Then practice the value linking process.

In my book, the Values Factor. I have that in a whole chapter and some of this,

what I'm sharing today is in that book, the Values Factor.

And if there's any way of making it to the Breakthrough Experience.

The Breakthrough Experience is where I actually have you do it,

have you do the method.

I take people that you've resented or admired or whatever,

and we level the playing field and have you in tears of gratitude and

appreciation for somebody you never would imagine you'd even talk to again,

and show you how to do it. And you watch, the moment you have those balanced,

the dialogue and communication is from the heart.

And that is extremely powerful in transforming your life.

If you help other people get what they wanna get in life,

they help you get what you wanna get in life.

We don't wanna be altruistic or narcissistic.

We wanna be a balance of both to have sustainable fair exchange and have equity

between ourselves and others and equanimity within ourself. Now,

in addition to what I've just shared today, I also want talk about it,

because when you're infatuated or resentful,

you don't have a balanced emotional state.

So I have a free on-demand masterclass and I want you to make sure,

I wanna make sure I state this properly,

I wanna make sure that you go to this free on-demand master class:

Balance Your Emotions for Greater Achievement,

because if you can help other people get what they wanna get in life,

you get what you wanna get in life and you both achieve more.

Take advantage of this free on demand masterclass, Balancing Your Emotions.

You're gonna learn something about this exercise, the Demartini Method there.

If you go online and get the Value Determination and you get that,

it will absolutely help you in your communication so

not alternating monologues. You wanna be loved and appreciated for who you are,

so do they. You won't appreciate them if you're trying to change them,

cuz you're not seeing how they serve you and vice versa.

When you can see how you're serving them, you can see how they serve you.

You have a deeply respectful dialogue that can enhance a long term relationship.

Sustainable fair exchange is what everybody is striving for.

It's an equitable position to be in, and allows you to open your heart.

So you get to be loved and appreciated for who you are because you're loving and

appreciating others the way they are.

So please take advantage of this free masterclass, Balancing Your Emotions,

and please go to the website.

And if any way possible get to of the Breakthrough Experience,

I guarantee you learning the Demartini Method will be worth its weight in gold.

Thank you for joining me this weekend or this week, I do 'em every week.

And I hope that stimulated some thinking.

I look forward to seeing you next week, until the next week, practice.