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SEASON FINALE: The Haunted Mines
Episode 8 • 4th September 2025 • Grack Public Access • Jen deHaan
00:00:00 00:43:13

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What happened to Barty Bundle? Find out where Barty has been in our season finale and season two of Grack Public Access. Season Two? We'll need to answer some questions!

But don't worry, you! Parker, Tog, and Jen aren't taking much of a break at all and will be back before you know it!

In this episode:

With Tog on the road as an unofficial roadie for Hoobastank, producer "Jen deHaan" takes over co-hosting duties with Parker Spoon, broadcasting live from the Haunted Mines accompanied by a snappy search dog named Crewneck since they're broadcasting from where Barty Bundle disappeared not long ago.

This week we hear from Tog Chesterfield from the road, learn about Ghost Away (an exciting new product perfect for the Haunted Mines!), and answer a thoughtful question from our listeners about squirrels.

============

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Your support will help this show continue. Funds go towards hosting and music licensing for this show and others on StereoForest. This show is produced by an independent artist directly affected by the state of the industry, and StereoForest does not have any funding or additional support.

If you find value in these shows, please consider supporting them with a one time donation at https://stereoforest.com/tip

We love our podcast host Capitvate.fm! Contact me anytime to ask me anything. You can support my shows by signing up with Captivate here: https://www.captivate.fm/signup?ref=yzjiytz

Credits, contact, and more info

This comedy audio drama / audio fiction series was created, edited, directed, and produced by Jen deHaan. Some elements of this show are scripted, but most of it is improvised by the cast.

WATCH "PRODUCER JEN'S" VIDEOS between each episode for bonus content! Find them on YouTube Shorts here, Instagram, TikTok, or Bluesky.

You can also find the character Tog Chesterfield in the completed audio drama Unf*ck Your Life: An Audio Drama wherever you find podcasts.

Cast (season one):

  • Jen deHaan as Tog Chesterfield, "herself", Maureen Faucet-Clooder, Mrs. Spoon, and additional voices
  • Adam as Parker Spoon

Any guests noted in show notes above.

=============================

Production and Links

Artwork, logo, and graphics: Jen deHaan.

Transcript: For each episode on their page on this show's page at StereoForest here.

More show info/contact: stereoforest.com/grack

Support the show (one time tip): stereoforest.com/tip

Review this show: On Podchaser here podchaser.com/grackpublicaccess

Comedy and audio fiction newsletter: StereoForest.com/subscribe

Follow on social media: YouTube, Bluesky, TikTok

This podcast is a StereoForest production. Made and produced in British Columbia, Canada.

Transcripts

WEBVTT

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

Welcome, everybody.

::

You're listening to "Grack Public Access."

::

This is on 101.7 FM, the "Grack" in Grackleton,

::

although we're a little bit outside of Grackleton this week.

::

But first, let me introduce Parker.

::

Parker Spoon is here as well, everyone.

::

Oh, and I'm Jen DeHaan.

::

Hello, Parker.

::

So will the radio waves be able to penetrate the walls

::

of the cave or no?

::

I don't think they need to, because we're just

::

recording on cassette tape before this goes out.

::

So luckily--

::

Oh, well, that's wonderful.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah, we're just-- I've still got the cassette tape going

here.

::

We're rolling, so we're recording whatever we put into

these microphones.

::

Because you didn't have a radio tower on you,

::

or attached to you at all.

::

So I didn't know how we were broadcasting this.

::

Do people walk around with radio towers attached to them,

Parker?

::

You've seen this before?

::

I've never seen that.

::

Have you ever been sitting-- I don't know how it works,

::

because whenever I-- so sometimes, you know,

::

you'll get like, hi, my name's Bruce Conifer, man on the

street.

::

And that's a character that I sometimes do.

::

Oh, I was going to ask you, because I'm like,

::

I've never heard of Bruce Conifer.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

You want to hear it?

::

Sure.

::

Yeah, let's hear it.

::

OK.

::

Ladies and gentlemen, it's me, Bruce Conifer, man on the

street.

::

I'm here to do everything that you need to do.

::

I'll sweep your carpet.

::

I'll termite your--

::

I haven't really practiced it much.

::

Right.

::

It was a whole--

::

It's a whole thing.

::

Sometimes when I'm at the supermarket or the grocery store,

::

if the cashier's there, that's how I'll talk to them.

::

Oh, good.

::

Using that cadence and voice.

::

Right.

::

Right.

::

I'm sure they love that.

::

They're like, oh, good, one of these again.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

Well, you be the cashier, and I'll be Bruce Conifer.

::

OK.

::

Hello, sir.

::

Is this the stuff that you want to purchase today?

::

I'm just going to ring you up.

::

Before we start, let me introduce myself.

::

And you are being recorded right now.

::

Bruce Conifer, man on the street.

::

I don't want to be recorded.

::

I'm just trying to do my job.

::

I don't get paid enough for this.

::

Are you afraid of the microphone, man?

::

Are you afraid of the microphone?

::

I'm just going to ring in your Kool-Aid.

::

You have a duty to the citizens of Grakland.

::

And then I'll go like that.

::

But when it's over, I will--

::

usually we cry and apologize to each other,

::

because we both learned something beautiful

::

about each other inside.

::

I think I'd be calling security, most likely.

::

Well, that has happened.

::

All right, so we should say where we are.

::

We are in the haunted mines today.

::

Our sponsor today is Ghost Away.

::

So Ghost Away, you've probably seen it on some of this show.

::

No, no, no, no.

::

Just a product, Parker.

::

Just a product.

::

No.

::

We said we weren't going to talk to that.

::

We-- OK, Jen.

::

We are in the haunted mines, though.

::

Well, you said the haunted part, but haunted can mean

anything.

::

It doesn't have to mean by a ghostly apparition.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

And just so--

::

That's true.

::

That's true.

::

When we do the product, we have to make sure

::

that we know that ghosts aren't real and that everything's

::

going to be OK.

::

But especially that Ghost Away--

::

I'll let you do it, but don't mention werewolves.

::

And OK, sorry.

::

All right.

::

So yeah, we're in the haunted mines today.

::

You've probably heard of the haunted mines.

::

We're in Outer Grak.

::

Everybody knows where the haunted mines are.

::

They're actually where Barty Bundle went missing.

::

So hopefully maybe we'll see Barty around here.

::

At least we'll keep an eye out.

::

Parker, are you doing OK over there?

::

No, I'm doing fine.

::

I'm just-- the wonderful thing about a mine like this

::

is it seems like there might be a bat infestation.

::

Yeah.

::

Because I guess it's not-- it's perfectly natural, right?

::

And I am sitting here.

::

And I have realized now that there is--

::

I think it's called guana.

::

Yeah, guano, I believe.

::

Guana.

::

A guana.

::

Sure, we can go with guana.

::

It almost sounds like a guana.

::

Anyway, it's bat poop.

::

Yeah, it is.

::

But you can grow wonderful things in it.

::

And so I'm going to--

::

as we're talking here, I'm going to be doing a little bit

::

of a mining of my own.

::

I would recommend against that, Parker.

::

You probably don't want to go over there into that pile at

all.

::

Naughty Parker.

::

Yeah, yeah.

::

Well, as long as you don't touch me or anything on this table,

::

don't touch the equipment.

::

OK, a little bit.

::

Now I have-- so I--

::

you ever do that thing where you can use the inside of your

::

pockets to cut it?

::

Because my pockets are so big.

::

So I use the other side of my pockets to scoop,

::

kind of?

::

Yeah.

::

And so I have--

::

my pockets are now half full of bat guana.

::

What are you going to grow in that, Parker?

::

Guana.

::

Marigolds and various wonderful flowers.

::

And I plan on planting my world garden all across

Crackleton.

::

I will gather up enough guana to make it

::

into a wonderful world of flowers and sprites

::

and other kinds of magic.

::

Well, you're probably going to spend a lot of time

::

in these haunted mines then to collect enough bat poop in

order

::

to do that amount of gardening.

::

It's OK.

::

I don't mind.

::

As long as you're here, I don't mind.

::

Well, maybe you'll be able to solve some of the mysteries

::

about this place.

::

Do you want to get on to the news?

::

Oh, I'd love that.

::

Yeah, let's do it.

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

Because that--

::

our first news story is, Crackleton's annual Corn Cake

::

Bake Off Festivals delayed due to the corn bean,

::

and I quote, "not quite ready."

::

Not quite ready.

::

All right, so Corn Cake Bake Off is getting shifted.

::

That's going to make a lot of people really angry.

::

Jeez.

::

Do I say something about that?

::

You can absolutely.

::

You're the one that makes the great corn cakes.

::

Everyone knows about your corn cakes.

::

You've mocked them mercilessly in the past.

::

They came in second to last.

::

So I mean, that's not that great.

::

OK, well, you just said they were great.

::

I did say they were great.

::

I was trying to prop you up.

::

You said that, and you weren't trying to prop me up.

::

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

::

We know your cruelty is infamous in these parts.

::

That is true.

::

Yeah, I have a reputation.

::

But yeah, and that's OK, because everybody

::

has their own thing.

::

I'm known for my dancing and several other things.

::

But anyway, I'm very upset about the Corn Cake Bake Off,

::

but I'm happy it was delayed because that

::

way I can go because I wouldn't have been able to make it

before.

::

That is true.

::

Yeah, so at least you can go.

::

Yeah, everybody else can be angry.

::

Hopefully no one will start making stories up about Parker

::

being the reason it's delayed just so--

::

Not me.

::

--you can go, not Parker.

::

All right, our second story here, the Grac legion bingo

night

::

controversy was B7 actually called twice.

::

I don't really know why that's such a big deal around

::

Gragilton, honestly, but Gragilton takes bingo pretty

seriously.

::

Very seriously.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

I have no opinion on that, and I hope that everybody

::

who has been hurt by it starts the healing as soon as they can.

::

Yeah, and I just heard there's a lot of punches being thrown.

::

Oh, my.

::

And our last story is Barty Bundle is still

::

missing last scene at the Haunted Mines.

::

And we actually have a dog with us today here

::

called Cruneck.

::

So just in case Barty shows up, we got Search Dog.

::

The Search Dog will know that it's Barty.

::

I mean, I know what Barty looks like, so.

::

Yeah, it's-- well, having a missing person is bad enough.

::

And then if they're missing in a mine, it's worse.

::

And if they're missing in a haunted mine,

::

it starts bringing in the world of the supernatural.

::

And I can name them werewolves and sprites and gnomes

::

and hobbits and astral entities and demons and wizards

::

and mummies and Frankensteins monsters

::

and various types of worms.

::

Various types of worms?

::

The pill bugs.

::

Yeah, but like when worms die, they come back.

::

I absolutely did not know that.

::

No.

::

That sounds like you're reading like a children's book

::

or something.

::

Yeah, that's what-- I got the idea from a children's book.

::

But then it's sometimes an idea becomes true.

::

Usually not the pure fiction entertainment stuff.

::

Well, you have your set of beliefs and I have mine.

::

And that's why this is such a wonderful country,

::

because we can all believe what we want.

::

That is probably the source of a lot of problems

::

in this country.

::

But with science and everything like that.

::

[LAUGHS]

::

Oh, I know.

::

I am a big fan of science.

::

I love scientists.

::

And everybody from the beautiful scientists

::

like Isaac Newton, who was apparently a very eccentric man

::

to the wonderful national treasure of Poland, Marie Curie,

::

who was a wonderful, wonderful lady,

::

to modern day scientists like Julia Child and other

wonderful

::

people like that.

::

Well, hopefully Barty hasn't got mixed up

::

with anything supernatural or whatever.

::

Do you think that Barty's even still here?

::

I don't think Barty's around the haunted mines.

::

I mean, it's been a while.

::

Barty just went missing while other people

::

were walking through here.

::

I'm not convinced Barty's still around here anyways.

::

Crewnecks just sleeping.

::

So--

::

I sound wonderfully sleeping being off the dream land.

::

Well, surprising for a Belgian malinois.

::

Like, I don't know if anybody else knows about these

Belgian,

::

but they're like alligator dogs.

::

They're snappy as hell.

::

Several times, I've--

::

on the way into the mine, you might notice that my--

::

I've tied a tourniquet to my lower leg.

::

And that's as a result of the snappiness.

::

And the fact that I--

::

Oh, well, that would do it.

::

I mean, these dogs are--

::

they should really not even be classified as dogs,

::

a Belgian malinois.

::

I mean, they're good at what they do,

::

but they also do a lot of stuff that they shouldn't do.

::

And that's when we get into trouble.

::

Like, eating liverwurst socks.

::

Like, yeah, someone's showing up with liverwurst socks.

::

And there wasn't--

::

so before this happened, I was at the deli.

::

And I had a little liverwurst accident on my hands.

::

And so I wiped it on my socks.

::

That's how--

::

And so that's one time.

::

And--

::

Well, yeah, I mean, the socks are the part

::

that no one looks at.

::

So you just wipe it on the socks.

::

Oh, if you don't have a napkin.

::

I was just going to say, you should go find a napkin

::

or something.

::

Yeah.

::

OK.

::

Yeah.

::

Anyway, I'm OK.

::

I'm just bleeding.

::

I mean, I can see it kind of going through your tourniquet

::

there.

::

Trigger warning if anybody is upset with blood.

::

Well, I guess--

::

Yeah, I guess people could be scared by the mention of blood.

::

At least this isn't a video show.

::

So they aren't going to see it.

::

I've got to see it, though.

::

And that is pretty uncomfortable for me right now.

::

Oh my goodness.

::

Look at the-- do you see it?

::

The floor over there?

::

The bat poo.

::

Yeah, I see that.

::

The bat little--

::

Yeah.

::

No, look on the pile of the bat poo.

::

It's a little tiny bat.

::

Oh, jeez.

::

Yeah, he's walking over.

::

I don't want that.

::

I don't like bats.

::

I'm not a fan of bats.

::

Don't say anything.

::

OK, by the use of it on your side,

::

I'm going to invite him over.

::

No, Parker, please don't.

::

Please don't.

::

Like, yeah.

::

You know how many--

::

There's just--

::

This whole place is a source of discomfort.

::

He is-- I'm going to paint a little seascape for the end

::

of the user at home.

::

The bat is, as you can see, walking onto my new balance.

::

Sneaker, the wonderful new balance.

::

And he is sitting down on the--

::

They call it the tongue of your sneaker.

::

Stay over--

::

And he's lapping--

::

And he's lapping--

::

Parker.

::

He's lapping the tourniquet, the blood on the tourniquet.

::

This is just--

::

It's OK.

::

No, it's wonderful.

::

It reminds me of somebody-- you ever

::

see that thing in the desert where they see a mirage

::

and they start--

::

They go over there and they start lapping up the mirage?

::

This is my little friend.

::

Yeah, but this is also not a mirage.

::

This is actually happening.

::

Have you lost so much blood that you're like seeing things,

::

Parker?

::

Is there not a bat lapping up the blood from my liver?

::

Worst way?

::

No, there is definitely a bat.

::

All of this--

::

OK.

::

All of this is real.

::

I'm just not sure that you're still

::

with us up here in the whole little nog and melon thing here.

::

Listen, if I can help a little bat live--

::

and I'm going to bleed regardless because of the Malamook,

::

or whatever you call them--

::

Yeah.

::

--then I will let the bat live.

::

You know what, Parker?

::

Let's not forget to take you by for just like a preemptive

rabies

::

shot after we're done recording here today.

::

I think we just definitely need to remember to do that.

::

Let's go to an ad.

::

We have to do an ad right now, but we'll be back in a second.

::

Don't go away.

::

Goodbye.

::

Bye.

::

Bye.

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

RAC Public Access.

::

RAC Public Access.

::

All right, and we're back, and you are still

::

listening to 101.7 FM.

::

The GRAC, you're here with Jen and Parker.

::

Parker, how are you doing there?

::

You know, I've been doing OK.

::

I feel, I'm going to say, on a scale of like one to four

::

of lightheadedness, probably like a two right in the

middle.

::

Yeah, right in the middle.

::

OK.

::

And that's OK.

::

As you can see, Tony the bat has brought several of his

friends.

::

And they are just--

::

they love my shoe.

::

And they seem to be--

::

they seem to be attracted to the liverwurst bloodsuck.

::

Yeah, they are definitely attracted to you.

::

And I'm quite happy by that.

::

That it's keeping them over there away from me

::

and just next to you.

::

So we'll try to keep it that way.

::

I put my leg through this little hole in the cavern

::

so that you don't have to see Tony and his friends.

::

That's great.

::

Let's not think about it.

::

Well--

::

We won't have to think about it.

::

This is wonderful.

::

This is the perfect day.

::

OK.

::

Yeah, I'm happy.

::

I don't know if it's the perfect day, but it's a day.

::

I've got a call here on the line.

::

Oh, wonderful.

::

Yeah, I actually tracked down Tog, if you can believe it.

::

What?

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah, I've tracked down Tog.

::

Tog is on the road, as we know, with Huba Stank.

::

Having a great time.

::

Haven't heard from Tog this whole tour so far.

::

But tracked down Tog, and Tog has agreed to call into the show

::

so we can hear about what's going on outside of Gragleton.

::

Bringing in the call, here we go.

::

I was dragging this box over here wired in.

::

All right, here we go.

::

Hi, Tog, are you there?

::

Hi, guys.

::

Tog, it's Parker Spoon.

::

I used to be your co-host, and I live in the apartment.

::

No, Parker.

::

Parker, no.

::

I know who you are.

::

I remember.

::

I've been on the road for a while,

::

but I totally remember who you are.

::

Wonderful.

::

Yeah, the apartment is wonderful.

::

And I've even incorporated some new smells into the routine

::

to paint a sense-scape.

::

Oh, a sense-scape?

::

Yeah.

::

OK, what smells?

::

So when you-- because I've been planning on you coming home

::

for so long now.

::

And someday you will, and I'm all prepared.

::

So when you walk into the apartment,

::

you are going to be taken on a cruise of the senses.

::

OK.

::

So yeah, the first thing you'll be hit with

::

is Venetian blood orange.

::

OK.

::

And so what you do then--

::

so when you get hit by the sense,

::

you have to close your eyes and then imagine

::

that you're at a carnival, a masquerade in Venice.

::

OK.

::

Oh, a carnival masquerade in Venice,

::

but in the apartment in Gragleton.

::

Yeah, that's right.

::

OK.

::

And then-- yeah, so then there's

::

different sense that I'll spray your way

::

as you're walking through.

::

So you might be walking through and all of a sudden

::

you get hit by the scent of freshly cut grass.

::

OK.

::

And you'll be like, oh, now you're in the hobbit's land

::

where they live in that wonderful book

::

by the wonderful token called the Hobbit's.

::

OK.

::

All right, well, I might be gone for a little while,

::

but that will be the next thing to come home to.

::

So I'm here on the road with Huba Stank.

::

I'm like a roadie now for everybody.

::

And I've seen what it's like outside of Gragleton.

::

I never left Gragleton for the longest time.

::

So it's quite interesting to see how the world is

::

outside of our little town and just be like a roadie

::

around the rock stars the whole time.

::

It's kind of exciting.

::

Now, do they have food out so you can get food

::

and they place us to sleep and all that kind of wonderful

stuff,

::

right?

::

Yeah, no, there's places to sleep.

::

We usually-- or I mean, I'm kind of unofficially a roadie,

::

if you will.

::

So I have to find my own place along the road.

::

And I usually stay at--

::

have you heard of--

::

Park, have you heard of Motel 6?

::

I have not, no.

::

Oh, OK.

::

Well, they have these motels that are numbered, like all

::

these, like Super 99 and Motel 6 and stuff,

::

and some other ones.

::

They just have numbers.

::

I usually look for the one with the numbers

::

because they're the ones that I can afford.

::

And I stay in those.

::

And then I kind of manage to make my way around

::

the general backstage area and just kind of help out if I can.

::

It's very exciting.

::

That's wonderful.

::

These are rock stars with long hair.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

And they play that they can hit the drums and strum

::

the strings on the old, wonderful shoe box.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah, they do.

::

And they're generally pretty nice if I just kind of keep

::

myself not exactly seen.

::

And I sometimes bring snacks and people like that.

::

And that's what helps me get into the area behind the stage

::

to help out, is if I bring food.

::

Well, then the foods you'll bring will

::

be wonderfully healthy because we know

::

that your focus is on health.

::

Yeah, but I'm on the road.

::

So I don't really get to--

::

I don't get to do what I'm known for doing,

::

which is I'm known for making things like vegan jerky

::

and sourdough and things like that.

::

But I'm on the road at these numbered hotels.

::

So I don't really get to bake sourdough at the hotel

::

because there isn't an oven.

::

So can I give you a little tip?

::

Sure.

::

I like to.

::

So yeah, yeah.

::

So you don't need necessarily an oven because sometimes,

::

ever since you left, I have been able to figure out

::

how to use the oven for the life of me.

::

Great.

::

And so I bought the grocery--

::

the grocer, bulk bins.

::

Yeah, bulk bins.

::

They let me take the old chicken that they had.

::

Because they were going to throw it out anyway.

::

So I figured it wouldn't be wasting an animal's life

::

because they were going to just toss it.

::

So I felt bad because I love wonderful animals.

::

But I put the chicken that they were throwing out

::

into the hot shower as an alternative in a bag.

::

And so I left it in there for three minutes.

::

I ate it, and it was a little gummy.

::

Right.

::

Yeah.

::

Then I spent three days sweating.

::

I have-- you know the medicine cabinets behind the mirror

::

in the bathroom?

::

If you pull the mirror--

::

You can put chicken there?

::

No.

::

I was just going to say, I have a lot of just things

::

for your stomach is in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.

::

If you pull the mirror open, I think I forgot to tell you.

::

You actually take the mirror and you pull it,

::

and there's shelves behind the mirror.

::

It's like a secret case.

::

But I have--

::

With a looking glass.

::

Yeah, I guess.

::

And just go in there for your stomach, Parker.

::

I forgot to tell you before I left.

::

And there'll be a caterpillar smoking a hookah.

::

It was a joke.

::

Oh, yeah.

::

[LAUGHTER]

::

I was trying to--

::

Yeah, I was just--

::

I was trying to go into the realm of the shock.

::

Shocking.

::

Yeah, oh, you're-- I forgot about--

::

you like the stories.

::

You like the stories.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah, it's wonderful.

::

Yeah.

::

Oh, I didn't tell you where we are.

::

Oh, where are we?

::

Where's the show right now?

::

No, I didn't--

::

The haunted cave, but it's not really haunted.

::

It's just--

::

You're in the haunted mines right now?

::

I certainly am.

::

And wonderful things are happening.

::

Are you OK?

::

You got to stay away from the bats.

::

You're the kind of one that you're

::

going to met just like the goosebump thing all over again.

::

No, no, it's fine.

::

And the bats have--

::

I have stayed away from the bats,

::

but the bats have not stayed away from me.

::

Badoom, bump.

::

You know, it's a--

::

Parker, this is very serious.

::

You shouldn't make jokes.

::

You shouldn't make jokes about those bats.

::

Oh, well, they're wonderful, because I had a wound on my leg

::

from where the malamote bit me from the liverwurst sock.

::

Oh, are you a crew neck?

::

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

::

Yeah, crew neck's a great dog.

::

And the bats are lapping my blood.

::

But in a nice way, in a loving way.

::

No, there isn't a good way.

::

You need to go get a rabies shot.

::

Nope.

::

No, thank you.

::

I will get a rabies shot.

::

I get them regularly anyway.

::

It's a good chance to take you to get a rabies shot.

::

Yeah, I will.

::

Or at least go see your mom.

::

But first, they're going to lap my blood,

::

and we will let them--

::

I will provide sustenance for the whole--

::

No, you should not do that, because they've got all the--

::

they've got all the diseases in their mouth, Parker.

::

I've started to think like a bat.

::

Yeah, I think that's what happens.

::

But you shouldn't think like a bat.

::

You shouldn't-- you don't want to think like a bat,

::

because bats only think about biting people and giving them

::

the rabies.

::

No, I can't--

::

I can't--

::

So I've been--

::

I've had thoughts about trying to echolocate now.

::

Right.

::

Yeah, that's not what you want.

::

They're going--

::

they're putting their mouth juices into your blood,

Parker.

::

OK, well, that's wonderful.

::

It's not wonderful.

::

Parker, no, it's not wonderful.

::

Oh, don't you worry.

::

You enjoy yourself with a hoobie stank and have fun.

::

No, it's really fun.

::

It's really fun.

::

I think they're going to talk to me soon, actually.

::

Oh.

::

So wait, they haven't--

::

No.

::

No.

::

Again, I'm not an official roadie.

::

I'm just like-- I'm a roadie, but I'm not an official roadie.

::

I'm like a--

::

I don't know what you call me, but I'm not official.

::

I'm touring with a band.

::

Touring with a band?

::

That's wonderful.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

And they play the songs.

::

They can sing the songs and everything.

::

Oh, they sing lots of songs.

::

I like the Rises.

::

Oh, wonderful.

::

They're their biggest hit.

::

They always sing it right in the end.

::

You know what?

::

You don't want to get--

::

that's because if you sing it early,

::

everyone's going to say goodbye and leave.

::

Oh, exactly.

::

It's the big song at the end.

::

And so you have to do it at the end.

::

Yeah.

::

Or people, yeah, they'd leave.

::

Like if you did it right before the intermission

::

or something like that, people would all leave

::

at the intermission.

::

That would be the wrong time.

::

Oh, a Barty Bundle is--

::

so he's missing still.

::

And then in this-- and he might be in this cave,

::

but Jen doesn't think so.

::

Because Jen doesn't want anything fun in this world.

::

Yeah, well, that's Jen.

::

Yeah.

::

She robs the world.

::

She's really, really joyous.

::

She's right now.

::

Yeah, she has a humor.

::

But yeah, we're going to find a Barty Bundle.

::

And we'll be heroes.

::

Oh, that's good.

::

Yeah, well, ask crewneck.

::

Ask crewneck.

::

OK.

::

Yeah.

::

Wonderful.

::

Crewneck, can you look?

::

Ah, crewneck's sleeping.

::

[LAUGHTER]

::

Oh, well, I got to go.

::

I got to go and do a fine.

::

Yeah, I got to pretty much try to catch up

::

so I can figure out where they're going next.

::

Well, catch up and tell them I said hi, OK?

::

OK, well, if they talk to me.

::

So yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

And if you want to really give them a surprise,

::

you can take some garlic scented Pam,

::

the wonderful cooking spray.

::

OK.

::

And you can create a sense scape and spray it on them.

::

Oh, yeah.

::

Well, you know what?

::

I have enough sense that I probably

::

won't do that until we're friends.

::

OK.

::

Yeah.

::

Wonderful.

::

All right.

::

Well, take care.

::

Don't get too haunted and leave those bats on your partner.

::

Oh, boy.

::

OK.

::

Get away, Sean.

::

I'll leave them, but they won't leave me.

::

Oh, we lost-- we lost Tog there.

::

All right.

::

I wasn't paying attention to what any of you guys said.

::

So hopefully that was a good chat and good radio.

::

Wonderful.

::

Do we have a commercial or something?

::

Yeah, we do.

::

Yeah, we have to-- well, we have to start

::

talking about our sponsor, which is Ghost Away.

::

So why don't we get to that?

::

I'm going to cover my ears if it gets a little creepy, OK?

::

All right.

::

So Ghost Away is sponsoring the show.

::

The show is brought to you by Ghost Away.

::

It's a revolutionary product that gets

::

rid of ghosts if you believe in ghosts, I suppose.

::

It kind of works like--

::

you know what?

::

I kind of have a--

::

probably shouldn't say this because we're supposed

::

to be supporting this product.

::

It looks and smells kind of like bitter apple.

::

You know, the spray that you spray when dogs bite?

::

Like, you could probably put it on your tourniquet

::

and keep a crew neck away from your blood.

::

Why would I do that?

::

Because it just looks and smells like--

::

I'm pretty sure they just relabeled that bitter apple

::

spray that you spray to keep dogs away from things that they

::

should-- like, if they're chewing on their paw and stuff,

::

you put it on their paw and they won't chew it.

::

That's one of the sprays that--

::

what we probably said about the sensecape for--

::

I guess you weren't listening.

::

But I'm creating an immersive apartment for Tog

::

when they get back.

::

And so I have bitter apple to spray on them.

::

Because then I was going to say, pretend

::

like we're in one of those forests where the trees throw

::

apples at you because they get upset.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah, I think it's like that.

::

They're bitter apples.

::

Let's do a bit of a product demo here with Ghost Away.

::

So here's a bottle of Ghost Away.

::

It sells for $7.99.

::

You can get it at any Grappleton grocery store, corner

store,

::

Bodega.

::

It even carried at the bakery for whatever reason.

::

But I think the bakers in there are superstitious.

::

So let me spray some in front of your--

::

how do you want me to spray this around you, Parker?

::

And you can tell me if it's like--

::

All over me.

::

Go for it.

::

Oh, right.

::

Yeah.

::

It won't keep the bats away, right?

::

Well, the bats are ghosts.

::

And this product actually works.

::

I suppose it will keep them away from you.

::

It'll keep-- so it'll keep worm ghosts away, but not bats.

::

Right, the worm ghosts.

::

All right, I'm just going to spray it here, Parker.

::

I guess put your face towards it if you want me to.

::

I'm just--

::

OK.

::

Now, right here.

::

Go for it.

::

Go.

::

There.

::

OK.

::

Oh, boy.

::

OK.

::

All right.

::

Oh, boy.

::

No, I cannot-- I cannot see.

::

I cannot see.

::

All right, so ghost away if you want to blind an attacker

::

or get a ghost away from you.

::

It will be good for either of those things.

::

Oh, jeez.

::

Oh, boy.

::

You know what?

::

I'm going to just look-- oh, it says,

::

don't spray directly on skin.

::

OK.

::

All right.

::

I guess I should have read the back of the bottle before.

::

Oh, OK.

::

Listener, ghost away.

::

I can see, but it's burned.

::

I see burning.

::

All right.

::

OK.

::

Well, listener, ghost away.

::

Don't spray it on your skin.

::

Read the product bottle before you use it.

::

It will keep ghosts away, maybe attackers away, possibly

dogs

::

or bats.

::

I'd like to paint a seascape for the listeners if I might.

::

OK.

::

So I'm channeling.

::

I've been reading some books on the wonderful mindfulness

::

and secular Buddhism.

::

I know.

::

You wouldn't think I'd read this.

::

But I do.

::

And so I've been channeling the pain

::

that I have right now, which is exquisite and raw,

::

into trying to do good works.

::

And I am going to echolocate Barty Bundle.

::

All right.

::

So ghost away, a product if you want to attack your

attackers,

::

echolocate missing people, or maybe keep away ghosts.

::

Get it anywhere in Gragelton, pretty much.

::

So we're back.

::

We're back.

::

From the commercial.

::

Yes, we're back from the commercial.

::

You're listening to 101.7 FM, the Grag.

::

We are here in the haunted mines in Outer Grag.

::

I'm here with Parker.

::

Parker.

::

Hi.

::

Parker's here.

::

So we have a Q&A from a listener.

::

And that question is, what do you think about squirrels

::

and their social dynamics?

::

That's a good question, listener.

::

It's a wonderful question.

::

Yeah.

::

It's unsigned.

::

I don't know who it's from.

::

But good question.

::

I'll let you take this one, and then I will supplement it,

::

because I have some definitive thoughts.

::

You do?

::

All right.

::

Well, the main social dynamic that I see with squirrels

::

is actually against my cats.

::

I have a tree outside my window here in Gragelton

::

that the squirrels love.

::

It's a black walnut tree there is going up there,

::

collect, I guess, all the walnuts or whatever they do.

::

They put them in their cheeks and stuff.

::

But they actually seem to have some kind of possibly

::

vendetta against my cats, or they just don't like the cats,

::

because they're always going up to the window

::

and staring down the cats.

::

And driving the cats nuts, they seem

::

to know, which is kind of funny, because they're

::

collecting nuts.

::

I just heard that.

::

I'm sorry I wanted to.

::

I didn't mean to do the pun, but it's just--

::

No, no, it's not nuts.

::

That was good.

::

That was good me.

::

So they stare it down.

::

They stare down my cat and seem to like to do some sort

::

of power play, because it's like, you want me,

::

you can't get me.

::

You'd like to kill me, but you're not going to.

::

You can't get through the window.

::

You're just a lousy indoor cat.

::

So I think that social dynamic is--

::

I suppose something I enjoy watching.

::

I think it's delightful to observe.

::

Oh, well, it's delightful that you like.

::

It's delightful that you think it's delightful.

::

How's that?

::

I suppose.

::

Like, my cats deserve it in a way,

::

because they do want to kill a squirrel.

::

So it's kind of the taunting is kind of--

::

it seems fair, I would say.

::

Wonderful.

::

Yeah, when I think of squirrel social dynamics,

::

it's not real, but I always imagine a squirrel wearing--

::

you ever see that thing where they're--

::

it's like they're wearing like a apron that's

::

like red and white checkers, and they're

::

baking in like a little squirrel oven for like a big family?

::

This is definitely another children's book, isn't it?

::

It was called The Squirrel in the Kitchen.

::

And it was--

::

but you know that thing where they're doing it all,

::

and the squirrels are baking, and then they bring out

::

acorns, and everybody has like a squirrel knife and fork,

::

which is wonderful.

::

So I'm going to go out on a limb here.

::

I think the listener who sent this in

::

is wanting to know about our thoughts on real squirrel

::

social dynamics, like actual non-fictional dynamics.

::

That's wonderful.

::

OK.

::

So you like the social dynamics of fictional squirrels

::

in a children's book, like a Richard

::

scary style social dynamic.

::

The wonderful prolific artistic--

::

Yeah, very artistic, wonderful--

::

It was not scary, by the way.

::

No, definitely not scary.

::

No wolves or ghosts or werewolves or anything

::

like that in any of his materials.

::

I mean, unless you're afraid of a town being

::

run by small animals.

::

Not me.

::

Not you.

::

I'm not--

::

I'm not--

::

Daddy, I'll tell you, I have a long list of things

::

that I'm afraid of, and that doesn't even come close.

::

You know, I think if I just rolled into town,

::

and that town didn't have humans,

::

but instead had a whole bunch of animals in human-like

scenarios

::

where I enclosed fear would be one of my first reactions

::

to that scenario.

::

Wonderful.

::

Not the fear, but fear is a--

::

fear-- so sometimes you can let fear guide you.

::

So you got to do the opposite of what you're afraid of.

::

So what that means here is that you

::

have to find a town that's run by animals in sweaters

::

and stuff.

::

Because then that way you won't be afraid of it anymore.

::

OK.

::

All right.

::

So desensitize myself to real animals,

::

that sort of scenario, which is definitely--

::

should be in fiction, not in reality.

::

Like the animals on my leg as we speak.

::

Wonderful.

::

Keep that away from me.

::

There's still going after your blood.

::

Oh, yeah, but mostly behind the rocks, so you can't see it.

::

Yeah.

::

Are you still echolocating right now?

::

Yeah, no.

::

That's what I was going to suggest for the next segment,

::

because I'm going to run off.

::

OK.

::

And I am going to try to echolocate Barty Bundle.

::

Oh, good.

::

Good.

::

Yeah, so--

::

Because if we find Barty Bundle,

::

I hear that some people have pooled like a winning spot.

::

You know, like you win--

::

you'll get money, like if we find him, whatever that's

called.

::

Yeah.

::

I would like some money.

::

Yeah, so hold on.

::

Can I have half?

::

Can I have-- if you find Barty out there, can I have half?

::

You can take it all.

::

No, you can have everything.

::

I don't care.

::

Oh, wow.

::

I'm doing this for the light.

::

I do it for the love of the game.

::

Thanks.

::

I could use that.

::

We have a segment back at the studio at the Grac,

::

so I'm going to-- let's throw to that segment.

::

I'll come with you.

::

Let's go see if we can find Barty.

::

Let's get--

::

Grunette, wake up.

::

Wake up, Grunette.

::

You're Belgian Balinois.

::

You shouldn't be sleeping.

::

Gee, gee, gee.

::

This is funny.

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

Rainy wind.

::

This is Maureen Fossett-Cluthor over at the Grac Public

::

Access offices, where I'm taping my new show, Bad at

Business.

::

I'm supposed to cover the weather for you right now,

::

so which is going to be brought to you today by the Barty

Bundle

::

Beanie Baby Bargain Barn.

::

But we're probably not going to get the payment remitted

now.

::

Jen, you're just going to love this one

::

when you get this cassette tape tomorrow morning.

::

I handle small business insurance here in Gragleton,

::

and I was sent by the office for a walkthrough of a new

business

::

to prepare a quote for them.

::

That business, Barty Bundle's Beanie Baby Bargain Barn.

::

And I thought, oh, maybe that's where Barty's been when I was

::

driving over to that bargain barn.

::

But instead, I happened to discover why Barty had been

missing.

::

I started doing my walkthrough, and I found him

::

dead in the Barty Bundle Beanie Baby Bargain Barn basement

::

when I went down to check the breakers.

::

Tripped right over Barty's broken back bone

::

before I could turn on the light and find that breaker box.

::

So I guess mystery solved about where Barty is.

::

Actually, I'm not sure if I'm supposed

::

to be sharing this information.

::

It hasn't even hit the gazette yet.

::

Oh, I guess I better get to the weather now.

::

Get ready for the weather.

::

Tonight's weather in East Grag should be slightly

overcast,

::

it says.

::

You just learned all about the weather.

::

And so that's the weather brought to you,

::

well, it might be from the estate of Barty Bundle

::

for Barty Bundle's Beanie Baby Bargain Barn.

::

Maybe Barty's bill will be on the house.

::

Well, I can honestly say Barty Bundle's Beanie Baby Bargain

::

Barn looked beautiful.

::

Excellent safety features.

::

And I was going to offer Barty coverage

::

with a very balanced, premium package.

::

Barty sure didn't look beautiful with that broken back

bone,

::

though, once I got the lights on.

::

He looked pretty well.

::

A bit murdered dead, as one would say.

::

Oh, I wonder if Barty has any ghost away in here.

::

[BELL RINGING]

::

All right, we're back.

::

We were looking for Barty Bundle.

::

I didn't see anything.

::

I kind of lost you there.

::

You went off into the dark, and I was like,

::

I am not going any further than this.

::

Yeah, so no, I'm doing it for--

::

if you don't mind, because I know you don't like blood

::

or anything like that.

::

Uh-huh.

::

You probably don't want to look at my shoulders,

::

because I was echolocating there.

::

Oh, God.

::

Yeah, I was echolocating.

::

Yeah, you're a wonderful--

::

it was a wonderful waterfall.

::

And I was echolocating near the side of it.

::

And I thought that I saw, using my words that were bounced

back

::

and they became images, I thought I saw a person.

::

And I fell down, and I cut both of my shoulders

::

on stalactites.

::

Stalag mites, technically, I guess.

::

Really?

::

Stalag-- is that the ones that come up from the floor,

::

the ones that come down from the--

::

Stalag tites, you got to really hold on to,

::

so that's because they hold on tight.

::

So yeah, it's like mites are the ones on the floor.

::

Oh, I like that.

::

I like-- now I'll know which one's which.

::

That's great, but you look awful.

::

You're going to need a rabies shot and some stitches.

::

I don't know if you've noticed, but there

::

are several very large bats that are staying.

::

They look almost like statuary.

::

God.

::

And they are--

::

Those are big ones.

::

Those aren't like the little ones that were on your

tourniquet.

::

Oh, my--

::

No.

::

Where do you find these--

::

Yep, and they are on my shoulders,

::

like the wonderful gargoyles.

::

Sorry, I'm getting dramatic because I

::

haven't had any blood recently.

::

Yeah, no, you're looking pale too, Parker.

::

You should sit down.

::

If you fall and you hurt yourself,

::

I don't want to have to try to catch you

::

with all those things around you.

::

Now if I fall, now the bats will take care of me,

::

so you just talk and we'll be OK.

::

OK, well, I'm going to take you straight to the hospital

::

after this to get you a shot and get you cleaned up.

::

You know, I'm a pretty dark person,

::

but I don't want this one on my conscience.

::

I feel wonderful.

::

This is some kind-- maybe it's a survival mechanism.

::

You've lost a lot of blood.

::

I think that's probably why you feel pretty good.

::

Well, what's next?

::

What's the next segment?

::

We're done the show.

::

We can-- I think we need to probably just get you

::

to a hospital at this point.

::

Oh, they're flapping.

::

Yeah, the bats are flapping.

::

No, God.

::

Yeah, they're too close to me.

::

OK, oh boy, no, they got you.

::

OK, yeah, no, they got you.

::

Oh, I'm flying.

::

Oh, God.

::

Oh, you're-- OK.

::

I'm flying.

::

Listener, all right, Bev.

::

This doesn't seem plausible, but I am going to--

::

In the air.

::

Yeah.

::

Parker's being taken off right now,

::

and we're going to end the show.

::

So thanks for listening to the show.

::

We'll be back.

::

We are in the haunted mines, where

::

we found a lot of bats, not many ghosts.

::

So maybe Ghost Away actually works, which is our sponsor.

::

Tune in soon, and we're out for now.

::

Bye for now.

::

Out, out, out, out, bye.

::

Out.

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

You've been listening to Grack Public Access, a Stereo

Forest

::

production.

::

This episode was created, directed, edited,

::

and produced by Jen DeHaan.

::

Jen DeHaan was improvised by herself.

::

Parker Spoon was improvised by Adam.

::

Additional voices and writing by Jen DeHaan.

::

You can find our shows, transcripts,

::

and sign up for a free newsletter

::

to get notified of everything we release at

StereoForest.com.

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

[BLANK_AUDIO]

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