Counterfeit love can masquerade in many forms, particularly within marriage, where the dynamics can be intricate and nuanced. The discussion begins with a critical examination of what is termed 'passive kindness,' a phenomenon where one partner, often the husband, avoids conflict to the point of being overly agreeable. At first glance, this might seem virtuous, but as we delve deeper, it becomes evident that this avoidance can lead to significant relational damage. The speaker highlights the importance of engagement and initiative, emphasizing that true love requires active participation in the relationship, rather than a passive stance that merely avoids the unpleasantness of conflict. Through personal anecdotes and biblical references, the conversation explores how this passive approach can leave one partner feeling burdened and unacknowledged, ultimately leading to feelings of frustration and loneliness. The episode urges listeners to recognize the difference between mere absence of harm and the active pursuit of love, thereby encouraging a deeper, more engaged form of relationship that reflects genuine care and responsibility. In discussing the theme of protective provision, the conversation shifts to how husbands often equate their work and financial contributions with expressions of love. While providing materially for a family is undoubtedly important, the episode argues that it can become a counterfeit form of love if it substitutes emotional and spiritual presence. Here, the narrative skillfully uncovers the subtle yet significant disconnect between providing for a family and being emotionally available to them. The speaker deftly illustrates how a husband can be physically present yet emotionally absent, leading to a sense of loneliness within the marriage. This segment encourages listeners to reflect on their own lives, asking vital questions about their emotional engagement and the quality of their relationships. It challenges the notion that hard work alone is enough, emphasizing that love must be shown through presence, understanding, and attentiveness, akin to Christ’s love for the church. The episode culminates in a powerful reminder that love is not merely about avoiding conflict or providing material needs; it is about actively engaging in the lives of our loved ones. This call to action is underscored by poignant examples and relatable scenarios, highlighting the necessity of vulnerability, communication, and intentionality in relationships. The speaker articulates that true love demands sacrifice—not just in grand gestures, but in the quiet, everyday moments of choosing to listen, to engage, and to understand. By the end of the discussion, listeners are left with a renewed sense of purpose regarding their relationships, inspired to move beyond counterfeit forms of love into a more authentic expression that honors both their partner's needs and their own responsibilities as loving spouses.

Takeaways:

• In relationships, recognizing counterfeit kindness, such as passive kindness, is essential for true love to flourish.
• Active engagement, rather than mere provision, is crucial for a husband to genuinely love his wife.
• True love involves not just being present physically, but also emotionally engaged and responsive to a partner's needs.
• Understanding and addressing the deeper emotional dynamics in a relationship can prevent feelings of loneliness and neglect.

Today we pick up where we left off on our last discussion about counterfeit love as it applies to the marriage relationship.

We have been focusing on that particular relationship to help us identify our fleshly mind instead of the spiritual mind.

It's where the test really becomes real for us.

And if we're careful about examining our own lives, it's probably the easiest context in which to see ourselves the way we really are.

We've just introduced last time what we've called passive kindness.

It's a pattern where a man avoids conflict so carefully that he rarely appears even disagreeable.

It's whatever you think, hun.

It's never harsh, very pleasant tone, very agreeable.

And you know, in some cases that that might be good in many situations, but oftentimes, while it may seem admirable on the surface, it avoids taking responsibility for things that need to be addressed.

You know, avoidance can hide behind politeness just as easily as domination can hide behind authority.

This is important.

Not every failure of love is loud.

Some failures of love are very quiet, some are gentle in tone, but heavy in consequence.

And a man can damage his home not only by harshness, but by just not being there, by being absent.

He can burden his wife not only by controlling every decision, but also by refusing to carry decisions to their, you know, that he needs to, in other words, to be engaged in helping matters.

He can fail to love not only by being cruel, but by refusing to speak courageously.

So this passive kindness, it looks on the surface as being the gentleman I don't want to fight, he says.

That sounds real noble, right?

And certainly scriptures do teach against that.

We noted that last week, Colossians 3:19 says, Husbands love your wives, do not be harsh with them.

And so, you know, he's peaceable, but peaceful.

Being peaceable does not mean being passive.

So passive kindness is what I'm saying.

It avoids taking initiative.

And that is the definition of love.

It's acting without being asked.

It's always being ready to respond, even when things aren't so easy.

It's doing the difficult thing, you know, over time.

And we've talked about this last week as we introduced this, he's backed out of the relationship so much that the wife is needing to do the work that really he should be doing.

And so this passive kindness is very deceptive because it defines itself by what it does not do rather than what it does do.

You know, I don't yell, I don't hit, I don't cheat, I don't run around, I'm not lazy, I Don't call her names.

And those things matter, of course, don't misunderstand me.

And a man should not do any of those things, obviously.

But biblical love is not fulfilled by the absence of sin and obvious sin.

It's active because it seeks the well being of others.

It moves, it acts toward the need.

It bears burdens, it takes responsibility.

The good Samaritan didn't love the wounded man by saying, well, at least I didn't beat him when he walked by him.

He loved him by drawing the water and binding the wounds and spending the resources and taking the responsibility for his care.

Love didn't merely refrain him from harm, it moved him to act for the benefit of that man.

Now that's a crucial principle for husbands.

You know, a man might think, well, I'm not hurting her.

I don't abuse her, I don't mistreat her, I don't yell at her.

But the question is much larger than that.

What are you actively doing for her?

What are you seeking in her best interest?

See, are you moving toward her burdens?

Are you helping her be the kind of wife that she's responsible to be?

In other words, are you making it easy for her?

Are you helping carry the weight?

Are you giving direction where direction is needed?

So those are the kinds of questions that need to be asked.

Passive kindness, oftentimes it just grows out of fear, fear, failure, fear of difficult situations, fear of fighting.

Some men grew up in homes where conflict was so destructive, they saw anger and shouting and divorce and bitterness.

They saw all that firsthand.

And so they've learned the safest thing to do is to just keep calm.

And like I said, others fear failure.

They don't take initiative because it creates the possibility of being on doing the wrong thing.

And so others fear their wife's disappointment.

They'd rather remain vague than make a decision that might be criticized.

Others just simply love the comfort.

They have discovered that avoiding difficult conversations allows them to preserve their peace of mind for the moment.

But the peace they preserve is often purchased by their wife's burden.

And this is where we must be honest friends.

A passive man may feel peaceful because someone else is carrying out what he's avoided.

The home still runs, but she's the one carrying it out.

Decisions still get made, but she's the one making them.

And children still need guidance, but she's the one doing the guiding.

And problems still get addressed, but she's the one addressing them.

You see that?

And so he may not see the weight because the weight has shifted quietly onto her shoulders.

And because she's carrying more than she should be carrying, she may become frustrated and anxious.

Or she might just be controlling, leaving the role that God has given her because that the man's not taking responsibility and she's carrying that burden.

And then the passive husband may look at her and think, why is she always upset?

Perhaps he's calm because he's abandoned the field.

Perhaps her agitation is not merely a flaw in her temperament, perhaps just the exhaustion of a woman who's had to become both responder and initiator and leader of the home, both the helper and the leader, both the nurturer and the burden bearer.

That does not excuse sinful attitudes in anyone.

Please don't misunderstand that.

But we're looking for the ideal here, and we're focusing on the man's responsibility.

Both of them are accountable before God.

But a man has to be careful not to interpret his own passive lack of action as maturity simply because it appears calm to him.

And Jesus was very meek, gentle, but he was never passive.

That distinction, my friends, is very vital that we see.

Christ was gentle, he was lowly in heart, but he was not avoidant.

I mean, he addressed the issues.

He spoke with courage and truthfulness.

He moved toward lepers when he saw their need.

He confronted the Pharisee as well.

He corrected disciples.

He set his face toward Jerusalem with a mission to be accomplished.

He washed feet.

He took initiative in John 13.

And when he spoke, he spoke truth.

He was silent before false accusers at the right time, but he was never silent because he feared responsibility.

And so his gentleness was strength under obedience to the Father.

Now that's the model, friends, for a husband.

It's true.

It's not harshness, it's not domination.

It's not barking orders, it's not using headship as a throne for your ego.

But it's also not disappearing and calling it peace.

Biblical love requires a man to become strong enough to be gentle, courageous enough to be present.

In First Peter, chapter three, Peter says in verse seven, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, some versions have it.

Or with understanding or with knowledge.

That phrase assumes active engagement.

In other words, he's actively involved in understanding and knowledge so that he might act in the proper way.

He can't live with his wife in an understanding way if he refuses to listen to her, if he refuses to be engaged and ask questions.

He's studying her, if you please.

He's studying her heart, he's noticing her burdens, and he responds with Wisdom.

That's Christ's way.

And that's what's incumbent upon all men as husbands.

Understanding requires attention, it requires effort, and it requires humility.

And it also requires the willingness to enter those difficult conversations to do so.

Because of love, a passive husband will often want the benefit of a harmonious relationship without the work of understanding her.

He wants her to act like he acts and thinks like he thinks.

And when she doesn't, he doesn't understand why.

Of course, she does the same thing oftentimes.

But he wants things to feel okay without having to walk through the process that makes them okay.

But real love does not settle for the appearance of peace when a relationship is quietly suffering underneath.

Can you imagine a man sitting in his living room?

Smoke begins to seep from the kitchen.

Just imagine his wife saying, do you smell smoke?

And he says, oh, I'm sure it's fine.

A few minutes later, she says, no, I really think something is burning.

He says, oh, let's not overreact now.

The smoke gets thicker and thicker, and he.

He remains just calm.

He doesn't yell, he doesn't panic, but he doesn't get up and do anything either.

Now, what do you want to call that?

You want to call that peace?

Or would you just call it negligence with a soft voice?

Well, many marriages are like that.

They have smoke in the kitchen.

Something is burning.

Trust is burning.

Maybe communication is burning.

Financial stability is burning.

Emotional closeness is burning.

And spiritual direction may be burning.

But passive kindness says, now let's not make this into a big deal.

See, love gets up, it checks the kitchen.

It deals with what's burning before the whole house is damaged.

Now, that's not harshness.

It's just care.

It's taking initiative.

And a husband who wants to move from passive kindness to genuine love must learn to initiate without dominating.

He's got to learn to say, I have avoided this, and that's wrong.

But learn to ask, what have I left you to carry alone?

What burden have I put on your shoulders?

And he must learn to pray with his wife when it feels awkward.

To learn to make decisions with humility, but to listen without retreating, to learn to stay emotionally present in a conversation that's very uncomfortable.

Now, this is part of what it means to give himself up.

I'll tell you, friends, that's not always been easy for me.

I've not succeeded, I have to admit, confess that I've failed in this area the most of my life.

We imagine sacrifice only in dramatic ways.

We might say I die for my wife.

Perhaps you would.

But the more important question is, will you just have a conversation with her?

Will you turn off the television?

Will you open the budget?

Will you ask for forgiveness?

And if needed, will you call a brother or sister to help as a counselor, Will you lead prayer?

Will you address the child?

Will you admit fear?

Will you stay present when you want to escape?

That's where love becomes real.

Now, that's difficult.

For most men, passive kindness preserves comfort, but genuine love carries responsibility, even when it's difficult.

Another counterfeit of love that I want to talk to you about is what we'll call protective provision.

Protective provision is just a way of saying that there are certain patterns in which we.

We develop that expresses a man's devotion primarily through his work.

He's responsible in providing for his family.

And he works hard and he works many hours, and he protects her.

So, and this is practical care, he labors diligently, pays his bills, maintains the home.

You know, fixes what's broken.

He works long hours.

He tries to make sure his family has everything they need.

Now, from the outside, that's very dependable.

That shows commitment and serious responsibility, or taking responsibility seriously.

And in many ways, he may be.

And we shouldn't mock that.

I'm not downplaying the importance of providing.

Scripture doesn't mock it either.

In first Timothy five, eight, the man that refuses to care for his household is not acting very noble.

In fact, he's worst than an infidel and denied the faith.

That's what the apostle Paul thinks of it.

And so it speaks very strongly about the responsibility to provide for one's relatives in one's household.

The Book of Proverbs commends the diligent soul.

The Bible honors that.

It honors stewardship and protection and labor.

A lazy man.

On the opposite side of that spectrum is one who neglects his family.

And he cannot claim biblical love without refusing ordinary duty.

And so this provision, this protective provision, is not counterfeit, because provision is wrong.

Please don't misunderstand me.

But it becomes counterfeit when provision is treated as a substitute for being present.

A man may supply everything that his family needs materially, but still be absent emotionally and spiritually.

He can protect the house and he can have his guns ready to go if he needs to, but neglect the very heart of the home.

He may make sure the lights stay on while his wife feels unseen in the room.

He may be faithful to the job and unavailable to the relationship.

See, he may say, everything I do, I do for you.

Yet the family experiences him Mainly as tired, distracted, impatient and absent.

Does that describe you?

This is painful.

The husband may genuinely feel misunderstood.

And in his mind he sacrifice so much and the sacrifices in his mind and is very obvious why he thinks.

I get up early in the morning, I work hard all day.

I deal with pressure and I come home exhausted.

I pay for this house.

I pay for the food on the table.

I pay for the car you drive and the insurance to insure it.

I pay for the repairs.

How can anyone say that I don't love my family?

And we should acknowledge that work, that it can and often is an expression of love.

Many men have carried heavy burdens.

Quietly.

They've denied themselves so their families could be secure.

That's to be honored.

Yet when we think about love as Christ loved the called out, it can also be incomplete.

Provision is part of it, but it's not the whole of it.

A wife may appreciate the provision and still grieve the fact that he's never home.

Even when he is home, he's not there.

She may be thankful that the bills are paid, but still long for just a conversation.

She may respect his work ethic and still feel lonely.

She may admire his diligence and still wonder whether he knows her or not, or even wants to.

She may live in a house that he provides for and have children that have clothes on their back and shoes on their feet and yet emotionally feel homeless even when he's right there in the living room.

Now, this is the tragedy of this counterfeit love.

The husband believes that he sacrifices and therefore that ought to prove his love.

And his wife experiences the relationship is very, very thin and superficial.

Now, both of them may be telling the truth from their side of it.

That's their perspective.

He's sacrificing, she's lonely.

He's providing, she's missing him.

He's protecting the kids, he's protecting the home from damage.

And she's longing just for him to be present.

So this pattern is very common.

It emerges very easily because work often feels clearer to men than relationships.

Work has defined tasks.

You clock in, you solve a problem, you finish a job, and you get a paycheck, right?

You can measure that, you can measure productivity.

You see the results.

But relational love is not that easily measured.

Listening to your wife may not feel like accomplishing anything at all.

I understand that.

Been there, done that.

Sitting with her in her sad moods may not produce any immediate solution either.

She may be crying and a man can't understand how that's gonna solve anything.

Asking about her heart may open a conversation that can't be fixed in 10 minutes, and he doesn't know what to do with that.

But emotional presence, he must learn, requires patience.

And patience does not give a man the same sense of control a completed task does.

So he may retreat to a place where he feels competent.

He works more, he fixes more, he builds more, he plans more, he provides more, and he sees the results.

And because those things are good, he may not notice that he's using good responsibilities to avoid deeper relational engagement.

So the command is not merely, husbands, provide for your wives.

The command is, love your wives, as Christ loved the called out and gave himself for her.

Christ didn't send resources.

From a distance came near, the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.

He entered our condition.

He touched the unclean.

He ate with sinners.

He wept at the tomb.

He listened, he taught, he bore, He.

He suffered.

See, that's engagement.

He was not merely a distant benefactor.

He was God with us.

That is so powerful.

And there is a principle here, my friends.

Love requires your presence.

Presence.

I do not mean by that that a man never works long hours.

Some seasons require heavy labor.

Some families go through financial pressures, and some men carry multiple jobs.

Some are building a business.

Some are exhausted from responsibility.

And, you know, I think we have to be realistic here and fair.

But even in a demanding season, Husbands, you must not let provision become the only language of love that you speak.

You must learn to come home not only with a paycheck, but with your presence.

Engaged, listening.

Now, that may sound simple.

I think we can say it comes off the tongue pretty easy.

But it's not easy.

It's not easy for us men.

Many men come home physically present but emotionally unavailable.

Their body's in the chair, but their mind's still at work or it's somewhere else.

It's.

It's just taken at ease and leisure.

Their wife speaks.

They're still scrolling.

Or they're still reading something on Facebook.

The child asks a question.

Daddy, what is this?

And.

And they're irritated because they're stopped from what they're doing.

Dinner happens, and the conversation stays just as stagnant and unengaged.

The evening passes by.

No one truly feels engaged at all.

And he says, I was home.

I've been there.

I come home every night.

But friends listen.

And listen carefully.

Presence is more than location.

You can be in your living room, sitting there and still be absent.

And so, biblically, love pays attention.

It notices.

It listens.

It dwells with your wife with understanding Peter says, it rejoices with those that rejoice, it weeps with those that weep.

It bears burdens.

It's not merely logistical, it's relational.

So think of Jesus.

I think of the text of John 4.

When Jesus engaged in conversation with a woman at the well.

He didn't just give her some kind of a theological statement and move on, but he actually spent time.

He engaged with this woman, drew out the truth of her life, spoke to her thirst beneath her daily routine.

He knew the deeper issue, and he spoke to the spiritual heart of the matter.

Think of Jesus with Martha and Mary.

He didn't treat grief as some inconvenience.

He entered it with them.

And when he saw their sorrow and their tears, he wept.

That's the compassion of a loving Savior.

Think of Jesus with Peter after his denial.

The risen Lord didn't say, you're just.

You're forgiven, and leave him there.

Leave him in his shame and feeling of loss and dishonor.

But he restored him with personal engagement.

Peter, do you love me?

Yes, Lord, feed my sheep.

He brought Peter back into relationship and responsibility.

That's presence.

I hope you see that a husband who provides but doesn't engage need to ask themselves, do I know what my wife is carrying right now?

It's not just, you know, does she have the groceries and do I need to go help her get the groceries out of the car?

This is all very physical.

It's focused on the horizontal plane that I've tried to describe week to week.

Not merely is the house paid for, but do I know what weighs on her heart?

Do I know what she fears?

Do I know what she has stopped telling me about because I seem too busy to listen?

Do I know where she feels alone?

Do I know where she's pray, what she's praying about?

Do I know what she needs from me that I that can't be bought or fixed or installed?

Those questions will really expose whether provision has become a hiding place for you.

Let me offer a practical example.

A husband owns a small business and he's under a lot of pressure.

You can imagine.

He works hard, long hours because he wants his family to be secure.

His wife respects that.

And month after month, he comes home late.

When he's home, he's tired.

When he she tries to talk, he says, I can't deal with that right now.

And when she expresses loneliness, he says, you know why I'm doing this, don't you?

When she asks for time, he hears criticism.

He responds, would you rather I not work?

Would you rather Me not pay the bills.

She's not asking him to abandon responsibility.

She's just asking him to abandon.

And she's not asking her, you know, him to abandon her in the name of responsibility.

I hope that you see that this protective provision, as we've called, becomes a defensive thing because the man feels his sacrifices are being denied.

But the wife may not be denying his sacrifices.

She may be asking for the man behind them is what she's doing.

She's saying, I'm thankful for what you do, but I still need you.

And that's not necessarily ingratitude.

It just may be a cry of a covenant partner who doesn't want to be merely maintained.

She wants to be known.

She wants to be cherished and loved and heard and walked with.

And Ephesians 5 says that Christ nourished and cherishes the called out.

These are words of tenderness.

Nourishing is not merely supplying resources.

Cherishing is not merely protecting an asset.

There's warmth in those words.

There's affection, there's attentiveness.

There is the sense that the beloved is precious.

And so a husband may protect his wife from all the external threats, provide for her physically and still fail to cherish her internally.

He may defend her from others and yet be unavailable himself not there.

He may maintain the property, but neglect the partnership.

That's why protective provision must be brought under the fuller command of love.

Because true love provides, but true love also attends.

True love protects, but it also listens.

And here we must be careful because we look at these three counterfeits together and we begin to see why they're so common.

Strategic niceness allows a man to become influenced without surrendering control.

He can appear to be gentle and thoughtful only as long as the behavior serves some outcome that he wants.

In each case, whatever the case might be, the counterfeit protects the man from discomfort.

And that's why counterfeits are attractive.

They let us preserve something that we, we don't want to get rid of, that we don't want to surrender.

But Christ centered love doesn't begin with asking, what protects me?

It asks what gives life to the other person before God?

And that's the question that we need to concern ourselves with.

A man can't love like Christ while clinging to the very thing Christ calls him to surrender.

If he clings to control, love will be distorted into strategy.

If he clings to comfort because he doesn't want to do the uncomfortable things, then love will be distorted into being very passive.

And if he clings to emotional distance where he doesn't want to be engaged, then love will be distorted into mere provision.

These counterfeits always grow around the thing the flesh is trying to protect.

So the question is, what are you trying to protect?

Are you trying to protect your right to get my way?

Are you trying to protect your desire not to be challenged?

Protect your image as a good man?

Protect.

You know?

Are you protecting your exhaustion from interruption?

Protecting your fear of failure?

What are you trying to protect?

Am I protecting my pride because I don't want to admit that what I call love has not always felt like love to my wife?

These questions are not meant to crush you or make shame you.

They're meant to bring you into truth.

What are the facts and truth, which, when received before God, is a thing of mercy.

We ought to be thankful.

It's painful sometimes, but it's still mercy.

It's grace.

The Lord exposes these counterfeits not to destroy us, but to lead us into what is real.

Think about these things and I thank you for your kind attention.