Have you ever wondered why certain things at work feel so much harder for you than others—but easier for your peers? In this episode, I sit down with Rosie Arthey, a coach who specialises in working with neurodivergent adults in the workplace.

Rosie was diagnosed with ADHD in her early 40s, and what followed was a cascade of clarity, grief, and surprising self-compassion. Together, we unpack what it really feels like to receive a later-in-life diagnosis—whether it's ADHD, autism, or another form of neurodivergence—and how that affects work, confidence, and communication.

This episode is for you if:

• You’ve received (or suspect) a midlife diagnosis
• You manage someone who is neurodivergent
• You’re done with masking and ready to thrive

We also talk through the difference between tender and fierce self-compassion—and why both are essential if you want more joy at work.

🎯 Ready to redesign your own joy at work?

Start with Derailed, my 30-minute quiz that guides you through a 10-area life satisfaction check-up: 👉 https://www.midlifeunstuck.com/derailed

Mentioned in This Episode:

• FT Adviser on Self-Compassion in Financial Services
• Kristin Neff: What Is Self-Compassion?
• Research on Self-Compassion
• Myths About Self-Compassion

I've got a gap in my brain around dates and times.

Even though I'm pretty good at math and statistics, I've never

researched it nor given it a name.

I simply learned to surround myself with kind people who helped me bridge that

gap, or at very least laugh with me when things go sideways, which is rather often.

Over the years, I've also had friends and clients receive midlife

diagnoses, dyslexia, ADHD, autism, and while those labels brought clarity

and self-acceptance, navigating that new found understanding at

work, that's a whole other story.

So in this episode, I invited Rosie Arthey an expert in neurodiversity to join me.

Together we explore how to approach a later in life diagnosis with

curiosity, care, and confidence.

Whether it's your own, a colleagues or a team members.

Let's dive in.

More and more I come across professionals who in their forties or fifties have

discovered that they are neurodivergent.

What would you say to someone who is halfway through their

career when they discover this?

Great question.

Take a moment to pause, allow some time to process this new information,

which might have really rocked you.

Oftentimes people might come to this, discovery after

experiences with their children.

Their children might have gone through the diagnostic process.

So there might be all sorts of difficult and overlapping emotions going on.

Really I think the best place to start is with self-compassion.

What do I mean by that?

We often hear these phrases, but what do they mean in practice?

I'd direct people to the work of Dr. Kristin Neff, and I can

share some, links with you, which people can put in the show notes.

Research has shown that self-compassion can really benefit,

neurodivergent individuals especially.

Dr. Kristin Neff talks about tender self-compassion.

In this moment when people have just discovered, their

neurodivergence, later in life, tender self-compassion is the place to start.

This is really just acknowledging this is a difficult time.

It makes sense, you don't feel great.

For some people it might be a massive relief as well, like, oh

God, now that really makes sense.

But even in that relief, there might be complicated emotions.

And sometimes clients might come to me and it's like a grieving process.

They're reevaluating, looking back.

So either way, whether it's a relief, whether it's devastating, whether

it's just makes perfect sense, tender self-compassion is a great place to start.

Accepting it's difficult and it makes sense that you don't feel great.

You are not rushing to try and change things or fix things.

You don't need to snap out of it.

It's normal that you would feel this way.

And just allowing yourself to get used to the news and normalize it.

Lovely.

Okay, so let's talk a little bit more about your actual work.

When you are working with people who want to increase their chances of thriving

Mm-hmm.

with neurodivergence rather than just surviving, where do you start?

Great question.

I think it's an extension of what I just said about self-compassion, demonstrating

that self-compassion by listening to them.

I'm demonstrating compassion in listening to them while they

vocalize their experiences.

Often feeling misunderstood is a common experience for neurodivergent people.

Having a space where you can share your experiences, and

feel understood can be powerful.

I would say that's always where I start, just by listening, and then, asking,

gentle questions to help 'em understand where their needs aren't being met.

We have an a norm how we should behave, within our society, which

people might call, neurotypical norms.

That might be like making eye contact or, getting to the point quickly

when you're speaking rather than speaking around in circles, which

is something I can be guilty of.

We have these norms that society feeds to us, in terms of what we should be doing.

And often neurodivergent people that doesn't come naturally to them.

And so they might spend a lot of time trying to, what might be called mask or

appear to, to behave a certain way or do things a certain way because that's what

they've learned is, the right way to be.

But in doing that, we can really become disconnected from

what we need to perform well.

Yes.

Oh my God, I get that.

So in some of my work, I do this, exercise called the

invisibility cloak, so understand

yeah.

What we're hiding, what we should be doing.

Hmm.

and how to take that off without breaking.

So brilliant.

So that's absolutely fascinating.

So if someone is listening to us and they are perhaps at work and they

are managing a team member yet who is currently struggling at work due to

some elements of their neurodiversity.

How would that person start to really support their team member?

Great.

There is research that backs up the importance of the relational

aspect of, workplace reasonable adjustments for neurodivergent staff.

This research demonstrated that above any list of reasonable adjustments available.

The thing they want most is to feel heard and valued.

Listening is a great place to start with that.

It's the biggest tool in your toolbox as a manager.

Often as managers we feel, we need to show our worth by fixing this.

Being able to offer solutions and we'll often hear that we need to provide

solutions to be a good team member.

But listening is a huge part of getting to those solutions.

And when you have that relationship, that connection is so important in, in

that moment when someone is struggling.

And it provides that understanding, that validation, which will lead to trust

and that can lead to future solutions.

It can be really easy in those moments when someone shares what they're

struggling with to try to connect by saying, oh, we all struggle with that.

Oh my God, I'm terrible at my emails and I never remember.

When someone shares something with me.

That can feel like a way of connecting or relating.

But oftentimes, especially when working with a neurodivergent colleague, this

might be something they'd feel really ashamed about, really embarrassed about.

It's quite hard for them to share.

So listening is always the best place to start.

Instead of saying, oh, I feel that we all feel that.

What can that person say or do to demonstrate that they are

listening, not solving first?

For me, the key thing with listening is allowing the person

to finish a sentence, not jumping in, then just clarifying what you've heard.

So am I hearing you say that one of the biggest challenges you are

experiencing at the moment is the amount of emails in your inbox?

As simple as

they can,

lovely.

That then allows someone to feel heard and that's before you can get

to solutions or future solutions.

Lovely.

Okay.

Let's take it from the other side.

So what if someone is listening to this and thinking, I myself want to really

learn how to thrive at work with my particular style of neurodivergence?

What can that person do just to make a start practically this week?

We've talked about the tender self-compassion,

allowing that time.

And then we talk about, fierce self-compassion.

So that's, taking action.

I've got a great visual, to put in in the show notes, which shows that difference

between that tender self-compassion and that fierce self-compassion.

They work together.

We need them both.

We need to be tender and self-accepting of where we are at the moment,

but fierce self-compassion is what will move us forward.

So this idea of thriving, and in fact on the visual it says, tender

and fierce compassion creates a caring force allowing us to thrive.

So if they want to learn to thrive at work with their particular style of

neurodivergence, where do they start?

I would start with thinking about all areas of your life, not just work, but

family, community, sport, volunteering, where have you thrived in the past?

Where have you been able to succeed.

We might have, good levels of self-efficacy in one area of

our life and not in others.

What can we learn from those experiences where we have thrived in the past?

What was it about that environment situation or task that made

it possible for us to thrive?

Was it a clear brief?

Was it you were really clear about you knew what you were working towards.

Was it that you were working in a team, you work better

in a team than you do alone?

Was it that you had people you really trusted?

Was it an area you felt passionate about?

Was it that you were helping others?

So these are all some of the things that are little clues that can help us

think about, okay, when I have that, that really helps me to work at my

best or that really helps me to thrive.

So that's what I would say in terms of where to start.

And that connects back to understanding your needs today to

go forward by understanding how those needs were satisfied in the past lovely.

Thank you so much, Rosie.

If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy my life satisfaction assessment.

It's a 30 minute program where I guide you through a deep dive into 10 areas

of your life to assess what's bringing you joy and what's bringing you die.

I call it derailed.

It's a fabulous place to begin at joy at work.

Redesign.