In this episode, Tracy walks couples through a practical, grace-filled way to handle conflict by using a weekly “State of the Union” conversation to replace reactive arguments with intentional connection, empathy, and growth.
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The PursueGOD Family podcast helps you think biblically about marriage and parenting. Join Bryan and Tracy Dwyer on Wednesday mornings for new topics every week or two.
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Conflict Is Inevitable — How You Handle It Matters
Every couple has disagreements. The goal isn’t to avoid them but to handle them wisely. A great way to do that is to schedule time each week to talk about just one area of conflict. Don’t wait for an argument to erupt — plan ahead and talk calmly.
Proverbs 12:18
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 18:2
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
The “State of the Union” Meeting
Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman calls this a “State of the Union” meeting. It’s a weekly check-in where couples intentionally connect, celebrate what’s going well, and address one ongoing issue before it grows. Gottman’s research shows that couples who make this a regular habit have much stronger emotional bonds and far fewer destructive arguments.
Start with Positivity
Start by locking off one hour in your week. Before you talk about the tough stuff, begin by sharing five compliments about your spouse. This step softens the atmosphere and reminds you both that you’re allies, not enemies.
Focus on One Issue
Then, pick one issue to discuss. Decide who will start as the speaker and who will be the listener. After the first person shares, switch roles. The goal isn’t to “win” — it’s to understand and connect.
How to Stay Emotionally Connected: ATTUNE
To keep the conversation healthy, remember the word ATTUNE:
A – Be Aware: Notice your emotions, tone, and body language — and your spouse’s.
T – Be Tolerant: Respect your spouse’s viewpoint, even if you disagree.
T – Turn Toward Each Other: Stay engaged instead of withdrawing or attacking.
U – Understand: Seek to truly understand before offering solutions.
N – Non-defensive Listening: Listen without correcting, interrupting, or defending yourself.
E – Empathy: Try to feel what your spouse feels and validate their experience.
When Conflict Becomes an Opportunity
When couples consistently ATTUNE during their weekly “State of the Union” time, they build trust, emotional safety, and intimacy. Conflict stops being a threat and becomes an opportunity to grow closer together.
