"When I am not reacting to this situation where someone else is trying to make me who they want me to be? Like who am I when I actually feel free? " - Becca Ribbing

How to Stop chasing the narcissist and toxic patterns. The enlightening perspective from the Golden Child.

Today I share a conversation with Becca Ribbing

Follow us on Instagram: @beccaribbing

DM me @ravenscottshow "free gift" to get FREE How to Draw Powerful Boundaries Workshop

Guest Becca Ribbing is the author of the Clarity Journal and has been a coach for over a decade. She's on a mission to help people break out of the cycles of uncertainty and struggle that hold them back.

Here are some key moments:

"There are three things that you need to come to terms with in life. Number one, if they wanted to, they would. Number two, no response is a response. And number three, not everybody has the same values, the same goals, or the same heart that you do " -Mel Robbins

"You're not a bad person. You're a very good person who bad things have happened to you. You understand? The world isn't split into good people and death eaters. We've all got both light and dark insides. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." -Sirius Black Order of Pheonix

• The praise for the golden child is empty and meaningless
• Stress makes you feel unhealthy
• Take a pause and journal to find clarity and freedom
• Empaths could fall into the trap of martyr
• Book recommendation "Adult Children of Emotional immature parents by Lindsey Gibson"
• There have to be consequences with boundaries to be powerful.
• 2 Key strength indicators to determine your natural talents.
• Better Help : Empath get 10% off your first month

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Music YouTube Library: Til I Let Go by Neffex

Hello, dear Pat, This is Raven out on a walk having just some beautiful aha moments . As I've said before, I do not ever wish to villain. A human being who has experienced trauma and then chosen the dark path. I was watching Harry Potter last night, The Order of the Phoenix and Serious Black quoted.

The world isn't split into good people and death. We've all got both light and dark insides. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.

We have the choice to choose the path of dark or light ,

This is episode

99, how to stop chasing the narcissist in circles with Becca ribbing. .

It is not a substitute for professional therapy.

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And I thought that is it. That is empath and the narcissist.

That is it. We all have empath, empathic abilities within us. If it's. Covered and shrouded, and you feel like you're not an empath cuz you're not this magical psychic. Or if you have too much empathy and you feel like a psychic and you're hearing things and seeing things that are not in this realm. And we all have narcissism within us.

It's natural and beautiful in our development as a child, but were we able to be coached through our emotions and mature out of that stuck dark path of narcissistic. Tendencies and I think a lot of you may be experiencing an extremely toxic person like myself, and I had a huge aha moment during an an experience that I had recently.

The long and short of it, I was supposed to go to a family gathering, didn't happen because one of my kiddos got sick. I am sorely sorry for my child who was sick, but

in my deep down depths, I was relieved because this was going to be tumultuous and it was gonna be anxiety ridden, and I was already having meltdowns bleeding up to it, and hoping that I wouldn't regress emotionally after encountering. The false masks of everything's perfect, nothing's wrong.

The hugs and the smiles, and the I love you and the light chi chat. When I know deep down inside, they're very angry at me. They're being very, petty and gossiping about me behind my back, or just holding resentment,

and so I felt relief. I am guilty. . I felt relief that we didn't have to go. I really was missing out on the beautiful celebration that the family gathering was bringing. But I know that I can, in a healthy way, still celebrate with them, taking them out to dinner and bring, bringing them their present. So one person who I have called out on my podcast, I guess as I'm learning and healing and processing, because I am in the trenches with you, I am not , arrived. I have not achieved a spiritual enlightenment or know exactly what's going on. And so in my processing I said, , my parents are narcissist or narcissistic, or just trying to figure it.

And that's part of the big contention is my father took offense and didn't know how to deal with me. I don't know how to move forward. He says, You know, all I do is try and you just don't listen. And I thought, That's ironic. That's exactly what I feel. , it's like a mirror, which my guide, recently deceased grandmother guide, expressed to me.

It's a mirror. You are a mirror with the one you are in conflict with. And so I receive no check-ins, no texts about is my daughter okay? Except for the one person who I seem to have called out on the podcast. My mother, she checked them, she said that she was looking forward to seeing us and she's so sorry.

She's. And that meant a lot, and it also brought clarity. So I apologize for calling her a narcissist. I think that she's stuck in a very complicated web of agendas and it's just part of our journey is to grow up and stand up for our beliefs and our desires.

And do you stand with your man or do you stand with your child, which. You know, we all have the light path to choose in the dark path. And a light path isn't always easy.

And so it's interesting to note that , all of the signs

when you sit back and you draw your boundaries, and you become stoic and you become emotionally detached and you just kind of draw the line in the sand, or even circumstances lend themselves to draw the line in the sand for you. The actions will show you clarity on who truly has the heart of intention of wanting to connect with you and who doesn't, which was very apparent to me.

My father and my sister both did not. Say a one word, no peep, no call, no text, no check in. So through the non-action is your answer, and Mel Robbins puts it really well,

And when you shift from these insecure feelings of this maiden that we talked about

In episode 96, how is. Narcissism related to patriarchy the journey from maiden. Raden to mother with sarah durham Wilson into being your own mother , that is, for me, that was a game changer. I would've been in a panic. I would've been crying, I would've. So upset my fomo.

In the past, when these things have happened, when I couldn't go, they brought me to a state of like a hundred percent anxiety and meltdowns and being upset that I'm being left out.

That if I wasn't present, I would not be validated and part of the family and I wouldn't be loved. outside family unit and that fake Shira of defining my love ,

and my value of myself. And when I switched over to the mother, I released all. . I had zero fomo, you guys. I did not care if anyone reached out to me cuz I didn't assume that would. I stopped banging on that old Ricky Shack general store who was never selling. I'm sorry. I have sympathy for you. I hold your sensitivities.

I do not judge your sensitivities. You know, I wanna spend time with you. I stopped banging on that door and I went within myself and I got that love and acceptance and security from myself.

And you can too.

So today's an interesting conversation with. The self-proclaimed golden child. She recognizes she's on the easy end. Of the toxic parental relationship. And Becca Ribbing is a blessing to have a conversation with because we also cannot villainize the golden child. This is all just part of our learning process, that we are all light. We all have the same light source within us. And what we perceive in our experience in life is our own unique.

Experience. Becca ribbing is the author of the clarity journal and has been a coach for over a decade. She's on a mission to help people break out of the cycles of uncertainty and struggle that hold them back. She helps women going back and forth with the biggest seamlessly, endless questions of what to do next, so they can stop going around in circles and finally figure out what they truly want and create the clarity and momentum they crave.

So many people find themselves stuck and unsure of their direction. Using journaling prompts and helping people become more honest with themselves. She moves her readers forward, gently, and empowers them to embrace their strengths while letting go of any negative self-talk that has held them back in the past.

So without further ado, I introduce you to Becca ribbing and let's get into this conversation.

And it took me a really long time, Well, it took everyone, like it didn't take me a very long time once it got pointed out to me. But , it

a while for it to get me pointed out

Because they definitely have mental health challenges of their own, and like I wouldn't, I think sometimes when we talk about, well, I don't specialize in the field of narcissists, so I feel like when I think of a narcissist, I think of someone who's getting something out of it. But honestly, I don't think this particular person is getting anything good out of it.

They just can't help themselves and nor are they interested in doing the heavy lifting of the emotional labor, of figuring out how to create really healthy, open relationships.

I don't know how to fix it. Or they just don't wanna put in the work to fix it. And that's where I. The grief and the sadness comes in. Not the actual, but like the unwillingness to change.

Are they I, whatever. It's that they are extremely emotionally immature and I am trying to engage with them and connect with them on a level of emotional maturity. And so it feels like there must be a deeper. Part of them that I, that I just, if I just figure out the right way, I'll finally be able to access that.

And the book was really helpful in nope, you're not gonna be able to access it. It's actually not there. And I think that honestly, anyone who's listening to this podcast is probably, you know, dealing with that, like a person who's listening to this podcast is themselves. by definition, emotionally aware, , you know, they've done the work, they're interested in doing the work.

They are here listening to this. And I think for us, those of us that are willing to do the emotional work, it's really baffling to like to butt up against like, oh, That depth is just not there. Here, and probably because of a self-protection mechanism, like at least in my case, like I know that there was a great deal of trauma and for the, for the person that is the narcissist and like, but instead of channeling that trauma, you know, way a lot of us do and like trying to help others.

Mm. It's all, it's, it's so traumatic that they had to go so deeply into self protection.

go there. Yeah. it's really, really difficult.

Hey, empaths wanted to take a break and ask if these phrases sound familiar to you. I didn't say that you're too sensitive. No one will ever believe you.

If these phrases are. Familiar and you may be dealing with a narcissist

my book empath and the narcissist. Is for you. How to overcome narcissistic abuse and recover from PTSD, codependency, gaslighting, and manipulation. Receive another bonus in this book. The free four ways to set powerful boundaries workshop is included in this book. If you wish to feel alive again, take back the power in your life. Then go to www dot Raven, Scott. Dot Show forward slash empath and the narcissist

Yeah, it's unavoidable.

there's a means to an end of the price

Like it didn't resonate because it wasn't, it was about them.

They've pinned you guys against each other.

Like I pushed back and was like, No, no, I think it's autism. And because it's easy to think it's autism. If it's, if you're not the one who's being the scapegoat , like, I'm not saying all autistic people are narcissists or anything, I'm just saying that like how I was

You know what? It's super valid that you feel like they are narcissist. That they are a narcissist. And if they are, then I am obviously the golden child and that's why I can't see it, because it's not how I see our relationship, because I am not seeing what you are seeing. And I think that that was really healing to the person that was the scapegoat, to have someone like so quickly recognize like, Hey.

Processing this so differently than you are, and I'm really sorry, like I felt really bad. Cause at a certain level then I'm contributing to the abuse by denying their experience.

But I think that me being able to articulate it may help some of your listeners to be able to articulate it to the golden child to explain what's going on unless the golden child, I mean also a lot of times golden children become narcissists themselves, so,

Right, right.

I didn't even it. That's just not how my brain process is. And then you can have a discussion about it and like you can come to like a healing moment. But that's kind of the difference between someone who is able and willing to care about other people's emotions, and quite frankly, a narcissist who just is never going to be able and willing to care about other people's emotions.

A process like this whole self discovery thing is a process, and as you grow and change, that clarity grows and changes. So it is a lifelong endeavor to keep yourself as close to center and clarity as possible. So with that preface, I was in my own swirl of mess . , I had gotten pregnant and so with my first child, I was one of those glowy pregnant people.

I did yoga. The day I delivered my first son. So , like I was one of those pregnant people that most pregnant people hate. And I can recognize that now because with my second child, I had an injury in my first trimester and I had to use a cane on and off the whole pregnancy and it was awful. And then we moved from Washington, DC to Seattle, Washington.

And my third trimester, while I'm basically crippled like it was, An emotional rollercoaster. And then little kiddo was born and he is adorable, but he has these horrible chronic ear infections for the first year of his life. Cause it took us that long. It took us a long time to figure out what was going on with him.

But all he wanted to do was be held. But this child was huge. He was like 10 pounds. Six ounces at birth and he grew exponentially from there. And, and I'm dealing with an injury that like has take, you know, it took me about a year to heal that after he was born. I, it was just, it was a nightmare and I was not at my best.

And when you were in that point, you let go of everything that is not. absolutely necessary. Like I kept the kid alive, . I kept the other kid alive. The other kid did get to school on time. Most days, like I worked with my clients. But when I, But the funny thing is, is when you're in the middle of one of those, like survival situations, and I use survival loosely when you are feeling the fight or flight, the hormone, the stress hormones and stuff, like obviously I was not living in Somalia,

, but it's, funny because when you're in the middle of. You know, you're unhappy, but you're running on pure adrenaline, and that really helps you get through. Once things start calming down, that's when things hit you like a ton of bricks. You're not happy, like you should be happy. Like what? Like, and, and it feels like you should be happy because things aren't as bad as they used to be.

And you know it, and it's like, oh, that's the moment where it's like taking a step back. And really figuring yourself out is important, but we very rarely do it ourselves. So what happened was I was trying to figure out why I was so unhappy about work and stuff. I love coaching, like intellectually, a lot of my questions didn't really make sense.

And I had a friend who I was complaining about this for like the hundredth time, and she finally, God love her, was like, Becca. a coach, you're a career coach. What would you tell yourself if a client came to you having this exact problem? And I realized that I wouldn't tell them anything in particular.

What I would do is ask a ton of questions, and in the process of asking questions outside of their own rote way of thinking about things. , they would start to get the clarity. And then so I got off that phone call and I wrote down as many questions as I could think of that I have asked my clients in the past and as I was doing this, and then I went back and started answering them and just realizing how quickly I was getting clarity.

Because when we are stuck and when we are flooded with cortisol and when we are stressed out and our adrenals are going crazy, we tend to. Look at problems the same way over and over again. We get obsessed with the problem and we get obsessed with finding a solution, and a lot of times we're not seeing the problem clearly, fully, and so we aren't really engaging with it at a deep intellectual level.

We're engaging with it purely on adrenaline and emotion.

Just all about gratitude and mindfulness, and it was really aimed for beginners and I loved it. I had to let it go. I couldn't manage it, and I was the only one managing it, and it wasn't making money and, and I realized not so much that it was, I mean, it was sad that I had to let that go. , it probably wouldn't have been sustainable until like, that child is now eight.

So like it probably wouldn't have been sustainable until closer to now. So it's understand. I grieved it, I let it go. But on the other hand, I also had let go of writing. I had totally. Like let go of the fact that what I really love to do is write about all of these issues and to help engage with people and in that way, And so the Clarity Journal became my first book,

Right? Like, cuz you've let go of everything to appease and be with a narcissist. They've taken over everything. You've left your career, you've stopped your hobbies, you've. Friendships and it's like, it's like a now what scenario? Exactly. Which your journal would help

take you through that

process.

And she said, now you get to choose like what was in your life before, What you wanna keep and what you wanted to let go. And I was like, Oh my gosh, I get to do that. She's like, Yeah, you get to.

And I think that those moments are the surprising. It's like it's, it's fairly easy once you know what a narcissist is. To let go of the, Well, I don't know whether it's easy to let go of the narcissist. I'm sure lots of people are struggling with that, but it's easier to know you have to , you know, it's like it's black and white.

And I think that that is probably, if I was, I mean since I am empathetic and can like kind of put myself into someone else's situation. the hard part is like really figuring out, okay, that, okay, now what? And that, and now what encompasses so much. It encompasses, I said, you might have let go of hobbies that you loved or you might have done them covertly or maybe something that you really should be doing professionally.

You turned into a hobby because, you know, writing's a great example, right? How many of. Like we're told by a teacher or a parent that we weren't good writers and then all of a sudden we're not good writers and we stifle our voice. Um,

and it happens to a lot of people. And so it's like that, like balancing act of figuring out really where you are comfortable within your own body and within your own soul.

I can only really speak from other people's, like me seeing other people's experiences. Like I will say that, like what was the breaking point for my family member was. Them realizing just how much it was messing with their own head and making them feel bad. And then how do they show up for their own kid if they're feeling bad and.

I, I mean, I think that at a very real level, how you stop chasing the narcissist is self-love, and also really placing a massively high priority on your happiness, and that your happiness really is, I mean, assuming you're doing the basics like you're, your kids and you're not being a narcissist to your children.

like, like you know, your happiness is paramount. Like even if you do kids, because you're not gonna do your kids any favors if you're not happy, like at a certain level, like it's very trite to say, put on your own your own gas mask first. And yet there's a reason why we say, over and over and over again.

Like you have to put on your own gas mask first. And so it's, it's self love, self-compassion. You get sucked in. You like, Like, maybe have a little bit of a sense of humor about it instead of like getting really mad at yourself. Be like, Ha, look at me. I just followed that pattern. Like I'm just gonna, like, I'm going to remind myself to stop and maybe I need to walk away and isn't it gonna be amusing if I walk away and they implode

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's self love.

and like, but they ended up like being so detached from reality and so like, so protective that that's all they could care about. But honestly, I think sometimes, We could take a bit of a lesson from those people, because those people really don't care about giving up relationships that don't work for them.

You know, like they really don't. And maybe part of this is like learning how to be like, so there's narcissists, there's like the DSM definition of a narcissist, but there's also the narcissistic scale and people that. No narcissism tend to also have a lot of mental health issues as well in the opposite end because they're not putting themselves first enough

You keep saying, Okay, you're right. I shouldn't do that. Whatever hobby, because it's selfish. You know what? Whatever the narcissist rationale is, so you don't do it, don't do it. Don't take it of yourself, All these things, and then you reach a breaking point and you explode because you're, you've just had it.

You'll, they'll say something and you'll just be like, again, like the straw just broke. , and that's the break of the circle, except it doesn't actually break the circle unless you change a pattern. Then you know they love bomb makeup, and then you go in the circle again because you're like, Oh yeah, I overreacted, and you take blame.

It's like this just perpetual cycle of self-loathing and lack of any self.

Like I know that it's really hard to genuinely walk away from a relationship. Um, On the other hand, self-preservation is really a beautiful thing. Like you do need to actually like keep yourself sane and stable and however that looks. And if you're struggling with that, I highly, highly recommend that book that I was talking about at the beginning, the adult children of emotionally immature parents, because to me it really, in a way that no other book has just explained.

it doesn't matter what their problem is. If they are not actively trying to change that problem, if they are not seeing that as a problem like you are trying to engage with them on a level that literally isn't there. And so you are frustrating them. You are frustrating yourself and you are doing no good.

And I, I feel like that was really freeing for me because. You know, I started being able to figure out what the relationship, like, do I keep a relationship with this person? What does that relationship look like? And there was months of grief and I wasn't even the scapegoat. So I, I do recognize that this is really hard, but on the other hand, If you're not going to let them go, you have to do the really hard work of figuring out where your boundaries are and how you can stay.

Like really actually happy. How you can be happy and be yourself regardless of them. And I personally think that's not probably possible for someone who's been abusing you.

And what I found and is, and seeing them as that child, you know, that has been hurt or traumatized. Cause that's typically where all this emotional stuckness and unintelligence comes. you're able to just be able to enjoy yourself and focus in on other things going on in the room. And then when they do interact, you're like, mm-hmm , I see this show.

I get it. Good one A plus on that show today. Thank you . You know, cause they always put on a show during the

holidays.

horribly ruined.

A boundary is. If there is a consequence to the other person not doing it, and I think that that's where a lot of women get stuck is they're like, I told people my boundary and they're not doing it. And that's not the boundary. That is a statement that is a request. The boundary

don't

So how do we embrace. Like, how do we Yeah, well, you, you'll answer, but how do we embrace our, um, our strengths that we can then rise up?

Like it's, I think that, like I can tell you to go do the Clarity Journal and I think the Clarity Journal can be helpful, but I think there is a layer, especially of that self-love component that people that are taught to self love. As children do differently than people who, you know, grow up with narcissists.

And so I would say that a big part of this is finding your cheerleaders, finding the people that do think you're great. There's actually a really large, there's a chapter in the Clarity Journal all about like finding your cheerleaders and mentors because I find that people, you know, really just. Get a friend group and don't really analyze whether it's working for them or not.

And my guess is that

or just

Like, I wouldn't say that you. Stitch a therapist and get a coach because therapists or coaches aren't really trained to deal with the actual trauma. But you need your cheerleaders wherever that is and, and maybe it involves being really open and honest with your cheerleaders, like I had this experience.

I'm realizing I don't know what my own strengths are, what are they? But I will tell you one of the key indicators for me about strengths. There's, there's actually two key indicators. My first key indicator is if you are. If you have something that comes easy to you, um, I find that when I am working with clients one on one, they'll be telling me a story, and at the end of the story I'll say, Hey, so let's really talk about this because I hear this a lot.

This is a really great strength of yours. And almost invariably they'll be like, Like, I mean, yeah, I do it well, but strength and it's because it's coming easy to them and so they are not valuing it. And then the flip side of a way to see your strengths then is when you get annoyed at other people for not doing things you do well.

Um, Because I, once I start pointing those strengths out and that they are strengths, that they don't come naturally to everybody, then I start getting like, Oh, Fred is driving me crazy because X, Y, Z, he doesn't do what I do. And it's like, Okay, well let's talk about what Fred's strengths are. You know, and maybe Fred's just a complete jerk, but like a lot of times if you're not also then dealing with.

A narcissist. You know, a lot of times there are strengths that person has and they have weaknesses. And when you're in, especially a work environment, you really need a bunch of people with a very wide variety of strengths because that's what really helps create a cohesive unit. So I guess those are my two ways of really doing it.

But if you are not feeling strong enough to really embrace it, find the cheerleader that's gonna. Remind you and kind of work on subtly trying to convince you.

So remember everybody, always keep your unique light shining.

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