This episode delves into the importance of self-care amidst the chaos of modern life. Heather emphasizes the need to step back from overwhelming news cycles and political unrest, urging listeners to focus on personal rejuvenation and inner work. A central theme is the power of community and connection, particularly among women who are inspiring each other through shared experiences and resilience. The discussion transitions to a heartfelt introduction of Aransas Savas, a well-being and leadership coach, who shares her unique journey and approach to coaching that marries science with energy work. Aransas explains her podcast, 'The Uplifters,' which celebrates women making positive impacts in their communities, showcasing stories of those who dare to challenge the status quo and lift each other up. Through compelling narratives, the episode captures the essence of collective strength, demonstrating how vulnerability can lead to empowerment and transformation. The stories shared highlight the critical role of supportive relationships in fostering bravery and purpose, making this episode a rich exploration of the intersection between personal growth and community impact.

Takeaways:

• Self-care is a continuous practice that requires daily attention and intention.
• Creating a brave space for children fosters trust and open communication in parenting.
• Women have the power to impact their communities and uplift one another through connection.
• Fear and doubt can coexist with courage; it's about how we respond to them.
• The Uplifters podcast aims to spotlight inspiring women and their powerful stories.
• Recognizing our needs and practicing self-awareness helps us show up better for others.

Connect with Aransas Savas: https://www.aransassavas.com/

Connect with Heather:

The Perfect Holiday Gift! Give a copy of Heather's new book, Parenting with Pride.

Get Your *free* Holiday Survival Guide

Access the course, Learning to Parent with Pride!

Work with Heather one-on-one or bring her into your organization to speak or run a workshop!

Please subscribe to, rate, and review Just Breathe. And, as always, please share with anyone who needs to know they are not alone!

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Email: hh@chrysalismama.com

Host: 00:01:15

Welcome to Just Breathe.

Host: 00:01:16

I am so happy you are here.

Host: 00:01:19

I hope that you have been taking care of yourself and your loved ones, that you have been resting and enjoying time, doing the things that bring you peace, that you have turned down the volume on the political chaos because it is only meant to exhaust you.

Host: 00:01:36

Right now is the time to take a breath, to do your inner work, to learn how to expand your capacity and most of all to titrate your news intake.

Host: 00:01:48

Everything that is happening right now is meant to make you feel anxious and on edge.

Host: 00:01:53

But please keep in mind not everything is a five alarm fire.

Host: 00:01:59

They want us to feel that way because everything outrageous that has come from them, they hope to dull your senses and most of all they want you to tune out.

Host: 00:02:12

That is what we cannot do.

Host: 00:02:15

So while we are in this limbo stage, let's take the time to rejuvenate, to spend time with people we love, to visit the places that bring us joy, to fill our souls because there will be work to be done and we all need to be ready.

Host: 00:02:36

To that end, I will be taking a break to just breathe and be present with my family and really enjoy this time of year that typically brings so much magic.

Host: 00:02:49

aylist of the Top episodes of: 2024

Host: 00:02:57

But before I do that I want to share today's guest who is an absolute delight and someone I felt was a kindred spirit from the moment we met.

Host: 00:03:09

Aransa Savas is a well being and leadership coach who created a uniquely holistic and proven approach to coaching that blends practical science backed techniques with energy coaching.

Host: 00:03:23

She shares with such a vulnerability that just draws you in and I am so happy to bring you our conversation.

Host: 00:03:35

Welcome back to Just Breathe.

Host: 00:03:38

I am so happy you all are here today and I'm really thrilled for you to be part of this conversation that I get to have with this wonderful person that I just met or was introduced to by a mutual friend and we have just found that we have so many things in common and have had such a fun time connecting and sharing and so I'm really thrilled for you to meet Aransas today and get to know more about the beautiful things that she is doing in the world.

Host: 00:04:15

So we're just going to jump right in and I want to talk first and learn more about you have this amazing podcast the Uplifters which I get to be a guest on and I'm so honored that you asked but I wonder if you could share a little more about about the podcast in and of itself, but in the greater sense, the why did you start this, and what are you wanting this to create in the world?

Aransas Savas: 00:04:44

Thank you so much for having me.

Aransas Savas: 00:04:47

It is such a joy to connect with inspiring women who are led by purpose like you.

Aransas Savas: 00:04:55

And to get to spend this time with you is just such a joy on every level.

Aransas Savas: 00:05:00

And I guess that's really the whole answer to why I created the Uplifters.

Aransas Savas: 00:05:05

So the Uplifters podcast is designed to support and celebrate women of purpose.

Aransas Savas: 00:05:12

So when I say that, I'm talking about women from all walks of life who are living with bravery and who are really on a mission to make a positive impact with their lives.

Aransas Savas: 00:05:26

And so I get to talk to women who are trailblazers, who are perhaps the first to ever have done what they've done to everyday women who, in their little communities, they are creating ripples of impact.

Aransas Savas: 00:05:42

And I just deeply believe that women especially have the power to change the world.

Aransas Savas: 00:05:49

And there's incredible research that shows that the people we spend the most time with have a direct correlation of our own experience.

Aransas Savas: 00:05:58

And I think that's especially true for the courage with which we live.

Aransas Savas: 00:06:01

And so I've spent my life on a mission to surround myself with really inspiring, courageous women, believing that I'm going to be better because the people I'm with make me better.

Aransas Savas: 00:06:15

But I also found that I was curious about the women who were inspiring the women who inspired me.

Aransas Savas: 00:06:21

And so I created the Uplifters podcast as a chain of inspiration.

Aransas Savas: 00:06:29

And so each guest recommends a woman who inspires her, and then I get to talk to them and learn from them and share them with all the other Uplifters.

Aransas Savas: 00:06:38

And we've just formed this incredible community of women who are so diverse and so unique, and yet we share common values.

Aransas Savas: 00:06:51

And on the surface, you think, how could these women have anything in common?

Aransas Savas: 00:06:55

And yet, as you hear our stories, you find that these are women who find value and strength and community, who care about leaving a positive impact, who care about their own personal growth, who care about.

Aransas Savas: 00:07:13

About learning.

Aransas Savas: 00:07:16

And we lift each other up and settle, saying, all tides rise together.

Aransas Savas: 00:07:21

And so we are really collectively forming a tidal wave that is having huge impact on stages that are both massive and very tiny and intimate.

Aransas Savas: 00:07:34

Wow.

Host: 00:07:34

I love that.

Host: 00:07:37

It is one of the most beautiful talk.

Host: 00:07:42

I get the privilege of talking to a lot of people, and I just think it is such a lovely, selfless act to for you to see this as something that is important, that was important and needed in the world and to create this wonderful movement.

Host: 00:08:00

So I really appreciate that.

Host: 00:08:01

I wonder if you could share because you get to talk to so many beautiful people, a couple of the, like, the most interesting or the most inspiring stories of where they get their courage, where they get their, like that bravery to use their voice or to act on what their purpose is.

Aransas Savas: 00:08:26

Yeah, the stories are what keep me going to.

Aransas Savas: 00:08:32

And one of the most moving to me is a woman named Helen Artia.

Aransas Savas: 00:08:39

And she came to this country from Ecuador as a young girl with her parents who were both activists and really mission driven folks.

Aransas Savas: 00:08:52

And they moved here with big dreams and a big desire to have positive impact.

Aransas Savas: 00:08:58

And yet there was a lot they didn't know about this country and the way it operated.

Aransas Savas: 00:09:04

And so Helen's father unfortunately got cancer early on in their time in America.

Aransas Savas: 00:09:12

And the public services available to them without insurance, without good medical care, were really limited.

Aransas Savas: 00:09:19

And unfortunately he died at NYC Health and Hospitals Elmhurst.

Aransas Savas: 00:09:25

Throughout his life, however short, he managed to impart to his daughter that you can't change the world, but you can change your block.

Aransas Savas: 00:09:33

And Helen really took this to heart.

Aransas Savas: 00:09:37

And so she decided after her father passed and she got through high school, she went to college and she said, you know what?

Aransas Savas: 00:09:44

I'm going to get a degree in public policy and I'm going to learn how to help folks with healthcare.

Aransas Savas: 00:09:53

And while there she came to understand that she could have a more immediate impact by starting a health center that directly targeted first generation Americans who are non English speaking in a neighborhood in Queens called Elmhurst, which is the M.O.

Aransas Savas: 00:10:07

one of the most diverse neighborhoods in America.

Aransas Savas: 00:10:10

And she, through her advocacy there, actively and directly they changed the health trajectory and lifetime expectancies in that neighborhood.

Aransas Savas: 00:10:24

Oh, then the pandemic came along.

Aransas Savas: 00:10:26

And I'm sorry, it's a bit of a long story, but it's just too good not to share.

Host: 00:10:29

Yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:10:29

During the pandemic, Helen decided to stay open.

Aransas Savas: 00:10:33

And the pandemic was a very different thing for us in New York than it was for a lot of places.

Aransas Savas: 00:10:38

It was not the flu.

Aransas Savas: 00:10:40

Early on, we ran past every morning lines and lines of freezer trucks because there were too many bodies to house in side spaces.

Aransas Savas: 00:10:51

And a crisis in every sense of the word.

Aransas Savas: 00:10:55

And people were dying bathe a minute because we didn't know how to treat this disease.

Aransas Savas: 00:11:00

But Helen and her team decided to keep their doors open at their little clinic to serve this community because they had to.

Aransas Savas: 00:11:07

And of course, Helen got Covid.

Aransas Savas: 00:11:10

And it was still in the early days before they understood anything about treatment, where it was very likely that she would die.

Aransas Savas: 00:11:17

She had to be admitted to NYC Health and Hospitals Elmhurst, where her father died.

Aransas Savas: 00:11:23

And the people there treated her with extraordinary care and diligence and saved her life.

Aransas Savas: 00:11:32

And then a few months later, they went on a search for a new CEO and unsurprisingly, because of her track record, Helen was hired.

Aransas Savas: 00:11:44

And so she is now the first female, the first Latin American to lead a hospital in nyc, one of the NYC health hospitals.

Aransas Savas: 00:11:56

And she is now having extraordinary impact as a result of that work and has been named the best health, NYC Health and hospitals.

Aransas Savas: 00:12:09

And so I talked, I talk about Helen's story because to me it is a story of a woman on a mission being responsive to the needs of the people around her.

Aransas Savas: 00:12:21

And I hear that so often from these stories.

Aransas Savas: 00:12:24

These women who see a need and they don't walk in with an answer, they walk in with an intention, which is to respond to the needs in whatever ways are most helpful.

Aransas Savas: 00:12:38

And so if you look at the stories we've collected and there are now about 100 of them available, you will see in those story after story women who didn't say, I'm going to solve the problem my way, I'm going to fix things, but rather they said, I'm going to listen and respond and I'm going to do what needs to be done for the sake of the people that I care about.

Aransas Savas: 00:13:05

And again, that's a community as small as one family, all the way to millions of people like Helen.

Host: 00:13:15

Oh, that is amazing.

Host: 00:13:17

And I think what I love about that and I think what is definitely woven through probably most of these stories is that there was never a moment of, in Helen's case specifically, but I think through a lot of these stories of thinking, oh gosh, I'm scared or I can't, or this is too hard, or, or there's there like anything that was like self focused.

Host: 00:13:43

It was all like, I see something that needs to be done, that needs attention, that needs something, and I'm, I am going to go, that is best.

Aransas Savas: 00:13:57

I thought that too.

Aransas Savas: 00:13:58

Heather.

Aransas Savas: 00:14:00

This is what's been really reassuring about this.

Aransas Savas: 00:14:03

And I will say, with the exception of the trailblazers who are truly like some of the.

Aransas Savas: 00:14:10

One of the first women I interviewed was the first female, first openly gay, first black woman to be a pilot at a US commercial airline.

Aransas Savas: 00:14:19

Another was the first female to play professional basketball in Canada.

Aransas Savas: 00:14:26

Those women are really wired differently.

Aransas Savas: 00:14:28

They really am fascinated.

Aransas Savas: 00:14:29

Katherine Switzer, the first woman to run the Boston Marathon with a bib.

Aransas Savas: 00:14:35

They are uniquely wired, and I think they are aligned with what you're saying, that they are so focused on the goal that fear just doesn't seem to really enter their scope.

Aransas Savas: 00:14:51

The other 97 women, though, did it with fear.

Aransas Savas: 00:14:56

They did it with doubt.

Aransas Savas: 00:14:57

They did it with worry.

Aransas Savas: 00:15:00

And including Helen.

Aransas Savas: 00:15:02

She has the same fears you and I do, of not enoughness, of being judged, of being seen as not ready or capable or smart enough or well resourced.

Aransas Savas: 00:15:15

And that, to me, is so reassuring.

Host: 00:15:20

It is.

Host: 00:15:21

It is.

Host: 00:15:22

Because it says, you can do this.

Host: 00:15:26

Yeah.

Host: 00:15:26

Just keep going.

Host: 00:15:28

Keep going.

Host: 00:15:29

And almost on those days when that fear is really loud, when that doubt is right in your face, Keep going.

Aransas Savas: 00:15:42

Keep going.

Aransas Savas: 00:15:43

Yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:15:44

I'm reading the book Bravy right now by Alexi Pappas, and she distinguishes.

Aransas Savas: 00:15:49

It's so good if you don't know where.

Aransas Savas: 00:15:50

She's an Olympic runner who overcame severe depression right after her Olympic turn.

Aransas Savas: 00:15:58

And she's filmmaker, designer, just really remarkable young woman.

Aransas Savas: 00:16:02

And she talks a lot about the distinction between being merely interested in dreams and being committed to dreams.

Aransas Savas: 00:16:14

And so the committed person, when things get hard, and they will, the committed person keeps showing up.

Aransas Savas: 00:16:24

But the difference really is the interested person gets overwhelmed by the fear and lets that take lead.

Host: 00:16:33

Yeah.

Host: 00:16:35

Yeah, that.

Host: 00:16:35

Oh, that is such a great way of stating that.

Host: 00:16:38

Yes.

Host: 00:16:38

Because the fear can be.

Host: 00:16:40

It can freeze or it can inspire.

Aransas Savas: 00:16:44

Yeah, yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:16:47

It can stop us or it can energize us.

Aransas Savas: 00:16:49

Yeah, that's right.

Aransas Savas: 00:16:50

Yeah, that's right.

Host: 00:16:52

So this.

Host: 00:16:53

Speaking of which, all of these beautiful people that you've had the opportunity to speak with has inspired you to create a place once a year, this beautiful event.

Host: 00:17:08

Could you tell us a little bit about it?

Aransas Savas: 00:17:10

Oh, my gosh.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:11

With so much joy.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:12

Like you, I really like people, and I find them just.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:18

They're just my juice.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:21

And I like to be with people in real life and I like to introduce people, which you probably already realized.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:30

Like, it just.

Host: 00:17:33

No way.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:33

I know.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:34

Crazy town.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:35

I like to connect people, and I like to see ripples of moments of connection, and that's really what we've been able to do.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:43

So this will only be year two.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:44

In March, we'll have our second event.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:47

I hope we have many more.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:49

I hope this is something that way out last.

Aransas Savas: 00:17:51

But what we've done is we've created a day called Uplifters Live five that brings together our extraordinary guest with our extraordinary audience of Uplifters for a day of connection, celebration and mutual support.

Aransas Savas: 00:18:04

And so it is a Day where we can deepen our sense of connection, where we can celebrate the value and power of warmth over cool.

Aransas Savas: 00:18:14

Does so much of the world fetishize cool?

Host: 00:18:17

Yes.

Aransas Savas: 00:18:18

And like, yes.

Aransas Savas: 00:18:18

I don't want more cool.

Host: 00:18:21

No.

Aransas Savas: 00:18:21

I want more warmth and I want more honesty and more vulnerability and I want more deep connection and I want more real.

Aransas Savas: 00:18:29

And I think most of us do.

Host: 00:18:31

Yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:18:31

And so we just create a day together where that is the version of ourselves that we choose to walk into the room is because it feels like a brave space where we can safely be honest and true and open.

Aransas Savas: 00:18:51

And the connections that come from that day are like nothing I ever could have dreamed.

Aransas Savas: 00:18:57

And these women leave with a greater knowing about themselves and each other, with deep friendships, fired up to go do bigger, braver work in the world.

Aransas Savas: 00:19:09

And I so hope you'll join us in March because it's going to be amazing.

Host: 00:19:13

I will be there.

Host: 00:19:14

I will be there.

Host: 00:19:15

So just as soon as we talked the last time I looked it up and I was like, oh, yes, I am going.

Host: 00:19:21

I am so excited.

Host: 00:19:22

I think it just, it.

Host: 00:19:25

We all need a place like that where if just for a day we can come and be surrounded by people who are inspiring, who are perhaps like minded, who are interested and interesting and just the opportunity.

Host: 00:19:45

And I think this kind of works into other things that you do as well that focus on taking care of ourselves and not just in that like surface sense, but of that, like deep self care.

Host: 00:20:02

And I think most of us are pretty good at the high level.

Host: 00:20:07

Like I ran and got a manicure today.

Host: 00:20:09

Yes and no.

Host: 00:20:11

I am a huge fan.

Host: 00:20:12

Love my manicures.

Host: 00:20:15

And that deeper.

Host: 00:20:17

Oh, that's where the warmth comes from.

Host: 00:20:20

Yes.

Host: 00:20:21

So I wonder if you could talk about that a little bit because we were talking about that before we started recording and there's some good stuff in there.

Aransas Savas: 00:20:29

Oh, thank you.

Aransas Savas: 00:20:30

Yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:20:31

So many thoughts on this.

Aransas Savas: 00:20:33

I love that you bring up the manicure.

Aransas Savas: 00:20:34

And it is a really sweet moment of self care for many people.

Aransas Savas: 00:20:40

But it's occasional.

Aransas Savas: 00:20:42

Maybe it's every couple of weeks.

Aransas Savas: 00:20:45

But I believe that the most vital self care happens many times every day and that it is a moment by moment practice.

Aransas Savas: 00:20:58

And it really influences how we show up in every part of our lives.

Aransas Savas: 00:21:02

And I talk about it a lot as Met Mastery.

Aransas Savas: 00:21:06

And so Met stands for meaning, energy and time.

Aransas Savas: 00:21:10

Right.

Aransas Savas: 00:21:11

And when we are able to reclaim our own sense of meaning, our energy and our time, we have a greater sense of fulfillment and joy and a greater ability to sustain the good work we want to do in the world.

Aransas Savas: 00:21:32

We've probably all felt a sense of exhaustion and over giving at times in our lives.

Aransas Savas: 00:21:38

And certainly the women I talk to experience this frequently.

Aransas Savas: 00:21:43

And it's something I've experienced to my own life because I like to help, I like to be good, I like to be useful.

Aransas Savas: 00:21:54

And yet I think for so many of us, we are so driven by that sense of usefulness and goodness that the person we end up draining ourselves is this empties the source.

Aransas Savas: 00:22:11

And so I use the word met because I worked in healthcare for a lot of years in wellness.

Aransas Savas: 00:22:16

MET and science stands for metabolic equivalent of tasks.

Aransas Savas: 00:22:21

And so it's a fancy way of measuring how much energy you're burning when you're doing anything.

Aransas Savas: 00:22:29

And for many uplifters, we're burning mets without re replenishing them.

Aransas Savas: 00:22:38

And so what I really helped people to do is to replenish those meds, to as I said, reclaim their meaning, their energy and time.

Aransas Savas: 00:22:49

And it, I'm, it makes so much sense.

Aransas Savas: 00:22:53

Right.

Aransas Savas: 00:22:54

Like I heard Elizabeth Gilbert say yesterday that the greatest harm she's done in her life was the result of not taking care of herself.

Aransas Savas: 00:23:03

And I think that's true for most of us.

Aransas Savas: 00:23:05

And I think we've probably all felt it.

Aransas Savas: 00:23:06

No matter how good our intentions are, we have those moments of slippage where it's like you're snarky or unforgiving with the people you love most or find yourself having an outsized reaction to something that's out of sync with what you really feel and believe.

Aransas Savas: 00:23:26

I believe that's because we're depleted.

Host: 00:23:28

Yes, we're tired.

Aransas Savas: 00:23:30

And I see those little, those slippages, as I call them, I see those as evidence and like a little nudge from our lives and like the kind that the sooner we recognize it, the better off we are that say, oh, hey Aransas, I think maybe you aren't taking care of yourself.

Aransas Savas: 00:23:50

And I, this happened this week with my daughter.

Aransas Savas: 00:23:54

I led an uplifters retreat a couple of weeks ago and it was amazing, but I really poured my body and soul into it.

Aransas Savas: 00:24:04

And then because we're in the midst of moving and I host and I've got two kids and a husband and a dog and my mom lives here and all this stuff going on, I just rolled back into the everyday without taking a minute to say, okay, what am I?

Aransas Savas: 00:24:19

What do I need?

Aransas Savas: 00:24:20

How am I?

Aransas Savas: 00:24:21

And I started to notice, like my daughter asked me for help with her Halloween costume and it was like I did the one thing and I Was like, okay, yay, I feel so good.

Aransas Savas: 00:24:31

I had a goodwill miracle and found exactly what I wanted for the Halloween costume.

Aransas Savas: 00:24:35

But then she asked me for one more thing.

Aransas Savas: 00:24:38

And I don't know about you, but there's like that one more thing that's like a trigger for me where it's, yeah, oh, I'm not done.

Aransas Savas: 00:24:47

I gotta show up for another person in another way.

Aransas Savas: 00:24:50

And I didn't like, my response wasn't like earth shattering.

Aransas Savas: 00:24:54

She probably won't remember it, but she felt it and I felt.

Aransas Savas: 00:24:59

And it was something to the effect of, oh, I don't know, I'll get to that later.

Aransas Savas: 00:25:03

That's not very hurtful in the grand scheme of things.

Aransas Savas: 00:25:06

But we both knew that I was not coming from a place of abundance.

Aransas Savas: 00:25:09

I wasn't coming from a place of meaning and energy.

Aransas Savas: 00:25:14

And I felt like somebody was trying to steal my time and I was feeling tapped out.

Host: 00:25:19

Yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:25:20

And so now I recognize those things before I get shitty, which I've certainly done plenty of times in my life.

Aransas Savas: 00:25:27

And those are my signs, right?

Aransas Savas: 00:25:31

Little things like that that I'm like, oh, girl, you got to take care of you or you're not going to be who you are in the world.

Aransas Savas: 00:25:37

And so it really comes down to a few key practices.

Aransas Savas: 00:25:44

Number one, it's real self care, right?

Aransas Savas: 00:25:46

And it's showing up for yourself with as much integrity as you show up for everyone else.

Aransas Savas: 00:25:52

And I talk about it, it's like really putting yourself at the center.

Aransas Savas: 00:25:56

Not to be self centered, but to center your needs.

Host: 00:26:01

Right.

Aransas Savas: 00:26:02

And to recognize them.

Aransas Savas: 00:26:04

Right.

Aransas Savas: 00:26:05

And giving yourselves tiny daily luxuries.

Aransas Savas: 00:26:08

I call them TDLs or and sometimes I call them like your bliss list, but it's actively like, I teach women to make a list of things that feel really good.

Aransas Savas: 00:26:16

Whether it's helping you sell stress detox, whether it's just helping you relax, whether it's helping you be honest with yourself, explore your own creativity.

Aransas Savas: 00:26:25

But these are ultimately their energy boosters that counteract the energy drain of all that we can be putting back, putting out if we aren't restoring.

Aransas Savas: 00:26:36

The other thing I try to help people do is just understand themselves and really practice self awareness as a part of a daily life.

Aransas Savas: 00:26:42

Whether it's through little rituals that you practice day in, day out, whether it's your mindset, which is something we explore so much in the podcast.

Aransas Savas: 00:26:52

What is the mindset of these women?

Aransas Savas: 00:26:54

How do some women seem to have more time and energy than other women?

Aransas Savas: 00:26:59

And I really think it is through understanding their own needs and Learning how to show up for them.

Aransas Savas: 00:27:05

And then the last piece of this is, I think for most women, the hardest.

Aransas Savas: 00:27:11

But it's self expression and it's honestly saying what we need.

Aransas Savas: 00:27:18

And it's in my case, in this story I just shared, it was saying to my daughter, ew, I don't feel great about the way I just responded to you.

Aransas Savas: 00:27:29

And I think it means that I need to go take some time for me because I don't want her thinking that was about her because it wasn't.

Aransas Savas: 00:27:35

She asked really nicely.

Aransas Savas: 00:27:38

She was being true to our agreement that I was going to help her with her Halloween costume.

Aransas Savas: 00:27:44

But if I'm not self expressed, I find I get more seepage and leakage.

Aransas Savas: 00:27:52

And so it really is, as you see, like none of these are things that like I can take care of once a week or once every two weeks or it is moment by moment.

Aransas Savas: 00:28:02

So it really is a way of being versus anything that we do.

Host: 00:28:09

I love that distinction.

Host: 00:28:11

I love that so much because it is.

Host: 00:28:14

It's about the awareness and the ability to be really present and stay present.

Host: 00:28:22

I think especially when we get overwhelmed or stressed, it's very easy to go into that like self protective, like mode where you can be like, put some distance or some buffer or some whatever it is and whatever you want to call it, but.

Host: 00:28:39

And it's a practice of being able to get to that place.

Host: 00:28:43

This is not something that happens overnight.

Host: 00:28:46

This is something that it's little.

Host: 00:28:48

Every time you do it a thousand times a day, you become more aware and you become more gentle with yourself.

Host: 00:28:55

You give yourself more grace and you're able to express it, put words with it.

Host: 00:29:03

Because I think it's also.

Host: 00:29:04

That's a difficult thing to be able to say in the moment, recognize, oh, that was so not about you.

Host: 00:29:15

I'm so sorry.

Host: 00:29:16

I'm tapped out.

Host: 00:29:18

I'm exhausted.

Host: 00:29:18

I'm.

Host: 00:29:19

Fill in the blank.

Host: 00:29:20

I need a minute and, and take that minute.

Host: 00:29:25

I.

Host: 00:29:25

It's such a powerful and my goodness, it is the best gift you can give yourself and all the people around you.

Host: 00:29:33

But you know for sure yourself because then you do.

Host: 00:29:38

The result is that you can show up the way you want to show up in the world.

Host: 00:29:43

You don't hit that wall.

Host: 00:29:46

I had that a few weeks ago.

Host: 00:29:48

I had a.

Host: 00:29:50

I did a in person talk out in California and it was a lot.

Host: 00:29:56

It was a lot of different pieces that were firsts for me and they were all at once and it was just a lot.

Host: 00:30:03

And in San Francisco is a lot and so when I got back, it was just a whirlwind trip and I got back and I was like, I just need a couple days.

Host: 00:30:13

I literally cleared my calendar and I was like, I just need to be able to do the things that feel good for me.

Host: 00:30:20

Whether it was just writing, like I did all these different things, but I was like, this is how I need to show up for myself right now.

Host: 00:30:26

And then I can bet it was to your point, like knowing what it is for you in those different moments because different times ask for different types of self care, but just getting to know yourself well enough to know.

Aransas Savas: 00:30:42

Yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:30:43

Because we are high capacity women and we know in a pinch we could keep going.

Host: 00:30:51

Oh, absolutely.

Host: 00:30:53

But that doesn't mean we should.

Aransas Savas: 00:30:56

Correct.

Aransas Savas: 00:30:57

Doesn't mean it's going to be the best long term strategy.

Host: 00:31:00

Exactly, exactly.

Host: 00:31:02

I think we were talking about this the other day.

Host: 00:31:04

The capacity to hold.

Host: 00:31:07

This is true.

Host: 00:31:09

This is also true.

Host: 00:31:10

And this is also true.

Host: 00:31:13

Yes.

Host: 00:31:13

That is amazing and does take a lot of work to be able to get to that place.

Host: 00:31:22

And it doesn't mean that we need to do it every day.

Host: 00:31:25

Just I think that's fantastic work.

Host: 00:31:27

So do you do this work with private clients?

Host: 00:31:31

Correct.

Aransas Savas: 00:31:31

I do.

Aransas Savas: 00:31:32

I work with private clients.

Aransas Savas: 00:31:33

I work with a lot of corporate clients bringing this into women's ergs, employee resource groups to help help high impact, high capacity women at companies.

Aransas Savas: 00:31:43

And it's like such a gift when companies have the wisdom to invest in their women leaders in this way.

Aransas Savas: 00:31:51

And honestly, I've done it with mixed teams too because as much as I talk about women, I watch the same thing happen for my husband.

Host: 00:31:59

Yes.

Aransas Savas: 00:31:59

I just happen to be a woman who was raised by a bunch of strong women who's raising strong women.

Aransas Savas: 00:32:04

And so I, I feel a real calling to support women.

Aransas Savas: 00:32:09

Yet it happens to all of us.

Host: 00:32:11

Yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:32:11

And yeah, I have a video version of it where people can take the course and I do small group and individual coaching on mastery and then I accept company.

Aransas Savas: 00:32:24

So it's really about reaching as many people as we can.

Host: 00:32:28

Yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:32:29

To help us all learn real self care.

Aransas Savas: 00:32:31

I spent 20 years at weight Watchers.

Host: 00:32:33

Yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:33:30

And I watched over and over again how these women especially again came in because they were feeling really bad in their lives and they would come in with a wiggle and the vast majority did not see success.

Aransas Savas: 00:33:48

And so often when you would talk to them about it, they'd say, and I'm paraphrasing 20 years of research here, they would say, I have trouble showing up for myself.

Aransas Savas: 00:34:01

As well as I show up for everyone else.

Aransas Savas: 00:34:04

And those who did were transformed not because their bodies were smaller, but because A, they felt a greater sense of freedom in the world, and B, they learned how, paradoxically, to take up more space to self advocate.

Host: 00:34:25

Yes.

Aransas Savas: 00:34:26

And 25 years now into this career and into this work, for me, it's very clear that Wade is a symptom for many people of a challenge that plagues so many of us well beyond any other symptom.

Aransas Savas: 00:34:49

And it is a lack of awareness and practice in deep self care.

Host: 00:34:56

Yes.

Host: 00:34:57

That disconnection, right?

Host: 00:34:58

Yes.

Host: 00:34:59

That's a whole other conversation.

Host: 00:35:01

Just actually, just listen to the episode that we did on Uplifters, because we talk a lot about that disconnection.

Aransas Savas: 00:35:08

Yeah.

Host: 00:35:08

Plug that episode right now.

Aransas Savas: 00:35:11

Thank you.

Host: 00:35:12

Of course.

Host: 00:35:13

So I.

Host: 00:35:14

Speaking of strong women and you raising strong women, I wonder if we could.

Host: 00:35:19

I'm watching our time really closely, but I'm wondering if we could talk a little bit, because we realized when we started talking that we had more in common than we realized even to begin with.

Host: 00:35:29

And I'd love for you to share a little bit about your daughters and about just some of your approaches to parenting.

Host: 00:35:37

And you already have a little bit.

Host: 00:35:38

But I wonder if you could share a little bit more, because I think that people can really connect with that.

Aransas Savas: 00:35:43

Yeah, for sure.

Aransas Savas: 00:35:45

One of the things that really excited me about your work is that you were creating space for people talk about parenting, queer children.

Aransas Savas: 00:35:56

But it's really about parenting with acceptance.

Aransas Savas: 00:36:00

And for us, I was raised with my grandmother, and it's been.

Aransas Savas: 00:36:05

She talks about how her grand or her father, this sort of foundational mindset of parenting was you raise children like you raise horses.

Aransas Savas: 00:36:18

And your job is to.

Aransas Savas: 00:36:21

And this is no joke.

Aransas Savas: 00:36:23

It sounds so like what.

Aransas Savas: 00:36:25

But this was the prevailing narrative.

Aransas Savas: 00:36:28

Your job is to break their spirits and teach them to conform and follow the rules and play within the lines.

Aransas Savas: 00:36:36

My grandmother then was exposed to another parenting style, which is how she raised me, which is that your children should be treated like guests in your home.

Aransas Savas: 00:36:45

And it makes sense, right?

Aransas Savas: 00:36:47

From an evolutionary standpoint.

Aransas Savas: 00:36:49

And so having been raised like a broken, spirited horse, she wanted to just lavish her children and let them be deeply cared for.

Aransas Savas: 00:37:02

We can go into all the socioeconomic pieces of this because she also was raised during the Great Depression and as a migrant farmer.

Aransas Savas: 00:37:10

And yeah, oh, my goodness.

Aransas Savas: 00:37:12

She really wanted to give her children every opportunity.

Aransas Savas: 00:37:15

And so for us, as we listen to all these narratives coming generationally to us, but also to those that were popular in our community, at the time, for us, the only reasonable answer was to be responsive to our children.

Aransas Savas: 00:37:38

And we've gotten a lot of practice with that.

Aransas Savas: 00:37:41

Our children in some ways have been super lucky.

Aransas Savas: 00:37:43

They have two parents who deeply love each other and them they've had a stable home environment, their foundational needs have been met, they've been given a lot of love intergenerationally and so they've been really lucky.

Aransas Savas: 00:38:00

On the other hand, they have really had to face their share of challenges.

Aransas Savas: 00:38:04

One of my daughters and I speak about this with permission from her, from both girls in fact, to share these stories.

Aransas Savas: 00:38:12

But I think they are important to share because I think they're stories that we don't talk enough about and therefore don't have awareness.

Aransas Savas: 00:38:20

So we can consider how we might handle them.

Aransas Savas: 00:38:24

But our older daughter, when she was 12, participated in after school program.

Aransas Savas: 00:38:31

And she was a quiet, shy kid, didn't have a lot of friends and she was like, really artsy.

Aransas Savas: 00:38:37

And so she got this karate teacher and we thought, wow, she's getting all this praise from this karate teacher.

Aransas Savas: 00:38:43

Sometimes she'd come home and she'd say these sort of weird things and we'd be like, dude's a weirdo, but cool.

Aransas Savas: 00:38:49

She's getting praise for being good at karate.

Aransas Savas: 00:38:51

And she told us he one day was like, oh, you can't trust your teachers.

Aransas Savas: 00:38:56

Teachers are just in it for the money.

Aransas Savas: 00:38:57

We were like, like, that's insane.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:00

But whatever.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:01

Another day she came home and she was like, weirdest thing happened in karate.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:05

A kid like kicked me and then the teacher hit him so hard that he knocked him down.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:11

And I was.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:12

And she was like, it was cool that he like, wanted to stand up for me, but doesn't that seem strange for a teacher to hit a student?

Aransas Savas: 00:39:18

And I was like, yeah, that's really weird.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:20

But still, we're like, he's a teacher.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:23

Teachers are good.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:24

Things happen at school.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:26

And our artsy, shy kid is good at karate.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:31

And then the pandemic happened and we had to.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:34

We went to online learning and one day she said, yeah, it's so weird.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:41

My karate teacher said, you guys don't care about me because you asked me to get a vaccine.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:47

And we were like, that's insane.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:50

Let's talk about it.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:51

And we did.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:52

And she was like, yeah, I agree that's weird, but okay, yay, karate.

Aransas Savas: 00:39:57

And then she told us one day, oh yeah, karate has been slowing down.

Aransas Savas: 00:40:01

Lots of kids aren't doing after school lessons on Zoom.

Aransas Savas: 00:40:04

But my karate teacher asked me if I'd Meet with him and keep going.

Aransas Savas: 00:40:08

And I was like, sure.

Aransas Savas: 00:40:10

Because we were so naive, we didn't recognize what probably you've already picked up on through these examples.

Aransas Savas: 00:40:20

This guy was grooming our kid.

Aransas Savas: 00:40:22

He was systemically alienating her from every other trusted adult.

Aransas Savas: 00:40:27

Yeah, it was ineffective because she was honest and trusted us enough to come to us with these stories.

Aransas Savas: 00:40:36

And so he wasn't able to separate her from other trusted adults to the degree that he was actively trying to do.

Aransas Savas: 00:40:45

But we had no idea what he was doing, and we didn't see it because nobody's talking about this stuff.

Aransas Savas: 00:40:52

I literally have not heard these stories because I haven't talked about them either.

Aransas Savas: 00:40:59

And this is, in fact, the first time I'm sharing this story because it was only recently that my daughter and I agreed, at her urging, that the story needed to be shared.

Aransas Savas: 00:41:08

And it happened several years ago.

Aransas Savas: 00:41:10

And she feels ready to talk about it, and she wants me to talk about it.

Aransas Savas: 00:41:17

And what he did that finally opened our eyes is he asked her one day on Zoom, in this private Zoom karate lesson to play a game with him that involved taking off their clothes.

Aransas Savas: 00:41:31

And she was a shy little girl, and she was uncomfortable.

Aransas Savas: 00:41:38

And so he ask her to follow these commands that involved him or her taking off her clothes.

Aransas Savas: 00:41:49

She, in her shyness, did it very slowly and ultimately showed none of her body parts, but did unbutton her pants and then shoved her shirt in them to cover her tummy.

Aransas Savas: 00:42:01

But he asked her to give him certain commands, and he told her what to say to him.

Aransas Savas: 00:42:05

And ultimately he took off his clothes.

Aransas Savas: 00:42:08

And it was at that point that she realized she was out of her depth.

Aransas Savas: 00:42:13

And she told him she was one of the commands to ask him to turn around.

Aransas Savas: 00:42:20

And as he turned around, she muted her camera or muted her audio and turned off her camera.

Aransas Savas: 00:42:25

And she said she opened her door.

Aransas Savas: 00:42:27

I happened to be working inches away from her at that moment because we were collaborating on a really fun project.

Aransas Savas: 00:42:33

And she said, mommy, I don't know what to do.

Aransas Savas: 00:42:38

And it was one of those moments, like in the movie, where all of the little pieces that didn't add up in any way that were just, like, weird individually, but not anything beyond that instance together.

Aransas Savas: 00:42:58

And I saw in that moment exactly what was happening, because I saw her little pants unbuttoned, and I knew she was in karate.

Aransas Savas: 00:43:05

And I walked in and I saw him on Zoom without his clothes on.

Aransas Savas: 00:43:12

And it was not prosecutable because he hadn't actually shown his penis.

Aransas Savas: 00:43:20

He'd taken off his shirt.

Aransas Savas: 00:43:21

He Turned his pants into underwear.

Aransas Savas: 00:43:24

And he has been removed from New York City schools and is no longer able to teach.

Aransas Savas: 00:43:29

But extraordinary efforts from our family and other experts and attorneys and many others in the legal field who were.

Aransas Savas: 00:43:39

And the police forces who were incredibly empathic and incredibly supportive and incredibly kind to us.

Aransas Savas: 00:43:46

It wasn't prosecutable.

Aransas Savas: 00:43:48

And that is the sad part of the story.

Host: 00:43:51

Yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:43:51

That my daughter experiences that we don't have systems in place to protect kids in this way.

Aransas Savas: 00:43:59

Yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:44:00

But what I am proudest of, and it's.

Aransas Savas: 00:44:06

Was that the longest answer to a simple question you've ever asked.

Host: 00:44:10

It is a very important answer to a very.

Host: 00:44:13

I knew what I was asking.

Host: 00:44:15

I wanted this answer.

Host: 00:44:16

I wanted you to share as much as possible.

Aransas Savas: 00:44:18

What I was sharing is, in that moment, I said to Savannah instantly, honey, I am so proud of you.

Aransas Savas: 00:44:26

You are so brave.

Host: 00:44:28

Yes.

Aransas Savas: 00:44:32

And I didn't blame her.

Aransas Savas: 00:44:35

And I didn't think for a second about incriminating her in any way or placing any of the responsibility on her.

Aransas Savas: 00:44:52

But even more than that, I am proud that we set the stage for our daughter to immediately come to us when she didn't know what to do.

Host: 00:45:00

Yes.

Aransas Savas: 00:45:01

And this is a kid who is independent, who takes the subways systems all day, every day on her own, who navigates extraordinary complexities in work and life because of her own health challenges, because of the world we live in, because of the city we live in.

Host: 00:45:22

Yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:45:24

And yet she knew that when she didn't know that she could trust us to advocate for her.

Aransas Savas: 00:45:34

And it felt like the most important parenting decision I've ever made to be able to say to my kid, I love you, I support you.

Aransas Savas: 00:45:43

I am here for you.

Aransas Savas: 00:45:45

And it's why, I think when our own daughter, our daughter, our other daughter, our younger daughter, decided that she was ready to come out of the closet.

Aransas Savas: 00:45:56

It's such an antiquated term.

Aransas Savas: 00:45:58

I don't know how I feel about saying, I love that.

Host: 00:46:00

She decided that was good.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:02

She decided to acknowledge publicly her lesbianism.

Host: 00:46:06

Exactly.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:07

Which.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:09

We didn't live in a world.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:10

We live in New York City.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:12

There were always trans kids in class.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:13

There were always gay kids in class.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:17

We always watched gay movies that centered gay characters.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:21

So there wasn't a sense of, I need to hide this in our family or in our home or in our city, for that matter.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:28

Would have felt like the anomaly and the this.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:31

The unusual thing.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:32

So it wasn't that.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:34

But it felt like she was safe to trust us with her truth.

Host: 00:46:42

Yes.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:43

And our kids are newly 14 and 16.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:47

And they're going to face so many more complex decisions and they're going to face so many other challenges.

Aransas Savas: 00:46:57

And so for me, it has all just been this real validation to stay the course with creating a worthiness of trust.

Host: 00:47:09

Yes.

Aransas Savas: 00:47:10

Because my kids are going to do stupid stuff.

Aransas Savas: 00:47:13

They're going to make decisions that harm their immediate best interests because they're human beings and we all do it right.

Aransas Savas: 00:47:20

And I want them to be independent and courageous, and I want them to know they have a safe place to land.

Host: 00:47:28

Absolutely.

Aransas Savas: 00:47:28

And that's the only way I know how to do it.

Host: 00:47:30

Yeah.

Host: 00:47:32

Wow.

Host: 00:47:33

I'm so moved by this story.

Host: 00:47:35

And I think it is such an important story to share.

Host: 00:47:38

So thank you for trusting me with the space to share.

Host: 00:47:44

And it is very important for all of us to really take time to deeply consider that story because there are a lot of pieces to it.

Host: 00:47:57

And like you said, you, without even really realizing it, you had already created a space.

Host: 00:48:06

So I think that is a very key place or piece of this to consider the space that we're creating.

Host: 00:48:18

And I think sometimes we overthink it in so many ways of it, of maybe perhaps material aspects of the space or the shoulds coming down from, whether it's those who have gone before us or books that we are reading.

Host: 00:48:37

And ultimately, when it comes this is.

Host: 00:48:42

You have hit this as that it's providing this brave space for them to be who they are, fully, authentically, vulnerably who they are.

Host: 00:48:56

Know that it is a safe place to make mistakes.

Host: 00:48:59

Know that we all make mistakes.

Host: 00:49:01

Right.

Host: 00:49:02

That this is something that we talk about.

Host: 00:49:04

Right.

Host: 00:49:04

That there isn't this any kind of expectation for a should.

Host: 00:49:10

And that we are a thousand percent trustworthy.

Host: 00:49:17

That no matter what is said, we hold that space.

Host: 00:49:24

That's our job.

Aransas Savas: 00:49:26

Yeah.

Host: 00:49:28

And so thank you.

Host: 00:49:29

Thank you for sharing that, for modeling that.

Host: 00:49:33

And none of us are going to do it perfectly, but I think it is just so beautiful.

Host: 00:49:39

And gosh, those are lucky girls.

Host: 00:49:44

Brave girls.

Host: 00:49:46

And just thank them for allowing that to be shared, because that is important work and that's just one more way of creating a ripple.

Host: 00:49:58

So bravo.

Aransas Savas: 00:50:01

Thank you.

Host: 00:50:03

Worse.

Aransas Savas: 00:50:05

Here's to always finding pain and purpose in our pain and.

Host: 00:50:10

Yeah, exactly.

Host: 00:50:12

And sharing it and sharing it, if possible, with such vulnerability.

Host: 00:50:21

So thank you.

Host: 00:50:23

I'm so grateful that you have been here with me today.

Host: 00:50:27

Is there anything else that you would like to share?

Host: 00:50:31

I will share every way to reach you in the show notes, but is there anything else that you would like to share?

Host: 00:50:38

In addition to that.

Aransas Savas: 00:50:39

Oh, my gosh.

Aransas Savas: 00:50:41

Only that I think these women that have had the conversations with on the Uplifters have given us unequivocal truths or unequivocal evidence.

Aransas Savas: 00:50:56

Is unequivocal the word?

Aransas Savas: 00:50:57

I want, like indisputable.

Aransas Savas: 00:50:59

Let's go with indisputable.

Aransas Savas: 00:51:01

Indisputable evidence that we can find purpose in pain.

Host: 00:51:09

Oh, yeah.

Aransas Savas: 00:51:11

And that we are better prepared to create that purpose than we have any idea.

Aransas Savas: 00:51:18

And so for any of us who are feeling lost or alone, I would just challenge you to find the courage to be honest and to use it as a jumping off point for connection with others.

Aransas Savas: 00:51:34

Because there are so many people who will understand where you've been and who will want to learn alongside you.

Host: 00:51:46

Yes.

Host: 00:51:48

Is a perfect way to end.

Host: 00:51:51

Thank you so much.

Aransas Savas: 00:51:53

Thank you.