In this episode of Make More Love, Ellen Dorian explores the impact of betrayal on relationships and how it undermines trust, presence, and purpose—the key drivers of a passionate partnership. Ellen introduces the S*H*I*T Model, a practical framework designed to help listeners process betrayal, rebuild trust, and move forward, whether that means repairing the relationship or deciding to let it go.

Part 1: Betrayals vs. Disappointments

• The difference between disappointments and betrayals: Disappointments don’t usually erode trust, but a pattern of consistent letdowns can lead to betrayal.
• Betrayals involve forethought and perception, making them uniquely damaging to trust and connection.

Part 2: The S*H*I*T Model

• Phase 1: Crap or Get Off the Pot – Decide if you’re ready to rebuild trust or if it’s time to let go.
• Phase 2: Climb Off the Crap Pile – Let go of resentment and unrealistic expectations that keep you stuck.
• Phase 3: Compost That Crap – Turn lessons from betrayal into personal and relational growth through actionable steps.

Part 3: Practical Advice

• Learn how to let go of the “resentment story” and societal fairy tales about relationships.
• Focus on personal growth, rebuilding trust incrementally, and creating a shared relationship model.
• When necessary, seek guidance from a coach or counselor to work through unresolved issues.

Key Takeaways:

1. Not all letdowns are betrayals. Disappointments hurt but don’t usually erode trust, while betrayals strike at the foundation of the relationship.
2. The S*H*I*T Model helps you decide if you’re ready to rebuild trust. It walks you through a process to determine whether you’re prepared to do the work.
3. Decisiveness and letting go come first. Commit to staying or leaving, and release resentment before addressing the betrayal itself.

Call to Action:

Ellen created a free downloadable worksheet to guide you through the S*H*I*T Model. Use it to figure out where you stand and the steps you can take to move forward. If you need personalized support, book a free Relationship Reset Call with Ellen at relationshipresetcall.com.

Closing Thoughts:

Next week, Ellen will wrap up the Avoiding Divorce series with a discussion on regaining alignment in your relationship and how to create a shared vision for the future.

Support & Resources:

Ellen invites listeners to share their thoughts, either in the P3 Insider's Community or directly with her via email. Or, for one on one brainstorming on a specific situation, listeners can set up a time on Ellen's Calendar for a free Relationship Reset Call.

All links can be found below.

S*H*I*T Model Worksheet: https://drive.google.com/file/d/12u7PnW5OSu-ac28ckuoDCoryDW-Zl-vv/view?usp=sharing

"Until next time, remember, 'What I want most in the world is for you to Make More Love in Your Life and with Your Wife.'" - Ellen Dorian

Disclaimer:

The Make More Love show is for information and entertainment purposes only, and reflects the personal opinions and experiences of the host and guests. It is not a substitute for professional advice or guidance in specific situations.



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http://relationshipresetcall.com

Ellen Dorian: 00:00:00

Hey there.

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: 00:00:01

Welcome to Make More Love.

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: 00:00:02

This is the show for driven

entrepreneurial men who want a

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: 00:00:06

passionate, aligned, and fun relationship

with their spouse that lasts a lifetime.

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: 00:00:12

I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is

your space for straight-up, judgment-free

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: 00:00:17

conversations about creating a life

where you handle the demands of

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business, relationships and everything

else in a holistic and fulfilling way.

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: 00:00:26

We're all about helping you be

extraordinary in every way that matters.

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: 00:00:30

If you're new to the show, be sure to

hit that "Follow" or "Subscribe" button

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: 00:00:34

right now so you never miss an episode.

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: 00:00:37

If you're serious about transforming

your relationship and your life, staying

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: 00:00:42

connected here is your first step.

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: 00:00:44

And, if you find today's conversation

helpful, please share it with

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: 00:00:48

a friend who could use some new

ideas for their own relationship.

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: 00:00:52

Today, we're getting into part three of

our series on Divorce and How to Avoid It.

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I believe avoiding divorce requires

that we bulletproof our relationships,

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from the stresses of life as well

as the mistakes we're bound to make.

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Through my research, I've found that the

most effective, logical, and actionable

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way to achieve this is by focusing on

three key drivers that are present in

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every Passionate Partnership I've studied.

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Those three drivers are:

Passion, Presence and Purpose.

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Last week, we talked about barriers

to passion and sexual intimacy.

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This week, I'm going to talk about the

competing forces of Presence and Betrayal.

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Betrayals are monumentally damaging to

relationships because they attack two

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of the key drivers I just mentioned:

Presence and Purpose, but especially

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Presence, because presence is about

showing up fully in your relationship,

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emotionally, mentally, and physically.

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But, some of the biggest enemies

of presence are Blame, Shame and

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Guilt, and betrayals generate

all three of those in spades.

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When those emotions take over, they

break our ability to connect, to listen

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and to be fully engaged with each other.

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So, what constitutes betrayal and how

do you overcome it in a way that sets

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your relationship on a better path?

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Every relationship is going to experience

let downs over the course of a lifetime.

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We're talking about human beings

after all, and none of us are perfect.

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However, not every let down in

a relationship is a betrayal.

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Some are disappointments.

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Disappointments hurt

sometimes more than we expect.

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They're frustrating, even infuriating.

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They happen when expectations

aren't met, like maybe your partner

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forgets something important, cancels

plans at the last minute, or fails

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to follow through on a promise.

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But disappointments don't usually

undermine the foundation of

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trust in your relationship.

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They're just the everyday

bumps that happen when two

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imperfect people share a life.

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What's important is that you can,

and usually do recover from them.

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There is one caveat.

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If you consistently disappoint your

partner, that overall pattern of

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disappointment can add up to a betrayal

of the commitment to your relationship.

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With that in mind, I want to tell

you a story of one of my clients, CL.

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CL was married to the owner of a

demolition contracting company,

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and her husband had a habit

that frankly, she didn't like.

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He knew it wasn't good for him, and

he often talked openly about giving

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it up, but he never followed through.

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Of course, she was disappointed,

but as she put it, "I'm

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his lover, not his mother."

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Eventually though the situation came to

a head and he finally decided to stop.

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She was so proud of him.

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She celebrated his decision, held

his hand through it, gave him lots

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of acknowledgement and validation,

and supported him to stick with it

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long enough to see how much better

his life could be without it.

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And he soaked up all that positivity.

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But later, he went back to it.

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Without telling her.

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Even as she continued to cheer

him on, he let her believe

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something that wasn't true.

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When she found out she said, "That's when

disappointment turned into betrayal."

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It wasn't that he went back.

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It was that he led me on, letting

me think he was done with it.

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And that's how something that started

out as an undesirable, but not

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dangerous or illegal behavior became

potential relationship ending event.

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CL hired me to get some clarity

about whether she was willing to

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work on the relationship at all.

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She also needed to figure out how

to trust if her husband was sincere

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about working on the relationship.

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And then we worked out what it

would take to rebuild trust.

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I'm going to have to get back to you

on this story and let you know how it

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plays out because it's too early to tell.

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What makes betrayals different

from other kinds of letdowns

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is that they erode trust.

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They have two unique traits.

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The first one is Forethought.

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Betrayal often involves at least some

awareness that your actions or inactions

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will hurt your partner or break trust.

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It's not just a mistake or an oversight.

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It's a choice to move forward despite

knowing the likely emotional impact.

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The second one is Perception.

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Betrayal isn't just about what you did.

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It's about how your partner

interprets your action.

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If they see it as crossing their emotional

boundaries, breaking commitments,

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or de-valuing the relationship,

it will feel deeply personal.

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Even if you weren't intending to damage

the relationship, the emotional weight

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of feeling dismissed, unimportant or

deceived creates the sense of betrayal.

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When we think of betrayal in a

relationship, Infidelity's often

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the first one that comes to mind,

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but there are betrayals that

are just as damaging, even if

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they don't involve an affair.

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Here are the top 12 examples of

betrayals in relationship, not

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necessarily in order of importance.

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1: Infidelity-either

emotional or physical affairs.

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2: Lying or hiding important information.

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3: Breaking promises or consistently

failing to follow through.

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4: Unilaterally ending the sexual

component of the relationship.

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5: Prioritizing work or other

obligations over the relationship.

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I know that's a little hard for us

business owners to swallow, but if you

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talk to any spouse of any business owner,

it quickly becomes apparent that it

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really does feel like a betrayal to them.

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6: Sharing private information

or breaking confidences.

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7: Stonewalling or

emotionally withdrawing.

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Episode 26 of the show is devoted

to stonewalling, and if you

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haven't heard it, you should

really go back and have a listen.

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8: Addictions and the coverups

that often accompany them.

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9: Financial secrecy like hiding accounts

or hiding assets or hiding debts.

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10: Dismissing or invalidating

your partner's feelings.

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11: Public disrespect or criticism.

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12: Not having your

partner's back in a conflict.

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A common example is not

standing up to your parents when

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they criticize your partner.

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So why is it important to recognize the

line between disappointment and betrayal?

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The main reason is that it helps

you respond in a way that's honest

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and fair and aligned with what

your relationship actually needs.

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If you lean toward a more

emotionally volatile style, you

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might over-emphasize something that's

really not relationship limiting.

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But on the other hand,

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If you tend to downplay the importance of

things, you might dismiss something that's

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actually a big issue for your partner.

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So, recognizing your own leanings

and acknowledging your partner

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style is a big advantage.

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Let's talk about inevitability.

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I believe that disappointments are

inevitable, but what about betrayals?

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Are they inevitable?

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The answer really depends

on how you define betrayal.

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If you consider betrayal as an

intentional breach of trust,

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then no, they're not inevitable.

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Betrayals require awareness and a

conscious choice to disregard boundaries,

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values, or emotional safety . Healthy

relationships involve mutual respect and a

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shared commitment to avoid such breaches.

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Or

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If you think betrayals can also include

unintentional or subtle breaches,

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then maybe they are inevitable.

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Things like forgetting a significant

promise or failing to prioritize

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your partner or unintentionally

crossing a boundary might happen

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even in the best relationships.

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The way we address acknowledge, repair and

prevent them can mitigate their impact.

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If you and your partner can come to

agreement about which definition you

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choose, you'll be in a much stronger

position to work through any conflicts.

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So if you're looking for a place

to begin, that's a great one.

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On that note.

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I'd like to share something.

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I offer my listeners.

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A lot of you've been reaching

out with questions about your own

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relationships and I want to help.

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So, I'm offering this free

Relationship Reset Call.

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It's a quick 15 or so minutes.

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Just you and me, where we get the lay

of the land and we sketch out a plan to

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get you moving in the right direction.

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Would you like to be sure that you're

focusing on the most urgent and

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important issues in your relationship?

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If you answered "Yes," then let's connect.

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Just head over to

relationshipresetcall.com,

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grab your spot, and we'll jump on

a call and figure everything out.

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Because honestly, ...and

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you know this as well as I do ...if

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you let your relationship slide, the cost

to you financially, socially, emotionally,

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and in every other way is just enormous.

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It will truly put a dent in your armor.

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So let's not let that happen.

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Let's get you on a trajectory to Make

More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife.

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And we're back.

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I'm really excited to share

this next part with you.

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I just created a new model to

help you overcome betrayal.

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It's called the S*H*I*T Model.

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This is a conceptual framework.

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There are quite a few implementation

steps that are not listed here, but

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making a decision is a prerequisite

for anything else to happen.

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When you're in a situation where a

betrayal has happened, you might be

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wondering, can this even be fixed?

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That's where the  S*H*I*T model comes in.

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It's not a one size fits all

step-by-step process, but it provides

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a logical framework to help you

think through the key steps that

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would be needed for recovery.

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It's a good idea to start by

working through this on your own.

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That way you can determine if you're truly

committed to repairing the relationship,

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because if you're not, there's no point

in asking your partner, if they are.

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So let's get into this model.

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By the way,

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Y'all know I'm a straight

talker, but the platforms that

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be are picky about language.

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So the word of the day is crap.

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There are three phases in the model.

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Phase One: Crap or Get Off the Pot.

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This means decide if you're ready to work

on rebuilding trust in your relationship.

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Nothing can happen until you make

a clear commitment to either repair

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the relationship or let it go.

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Take an honest look at where you

stand and whether you're willing to

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show up for whatever happens next.

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If you're not ready yet, take a minute

to figure out what's holding you back.

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Is it fear, or doubt, or maybe

just not knowing where to start?

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Whatever it is, you need to get

clear on it so that it can't

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continue to hold you back.

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Once you know that, you can

start making real progress.

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Look at your habits and goals.

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What needs to shift so you can rebuild

trust and reconnect with your partner?

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Consistency is the most

important part of this.

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Show up as promised and follow through

on whatever you say you will do.

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Let's move on to:

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Phase Two: Climb Off the Crap Pile.

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This means you'll need to stop

nurturing your pain and set

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aside unrealistic expectations.

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The first thing is you're going to need

to end your love affair with resentment.

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Resentment can be oddly seductive.

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It feels comforting and delicious

because it justifies your

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pain and validates your anger.

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We often create a resentment

story--a twisted version of a

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love story where we cast ourselves

as both the victim and the hero.

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Now, if you're serious about

rebuilding trust, it starts with saying

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goodbye to your resentment story.

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Think of it as a toddler, waving goodbye

to their turd as they flush it away.

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It's time to let it go.

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The next thing is to

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Clear out the Fairy Tale Bullcrap

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In addition to letting go of your

own story, we've got to let go of

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society's stories too, so let's drop

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...

the prince charming-s

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the soul mate-s

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the happily ever after-s,

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the love is all you need-s.

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The love conquers all-s.

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And the you complete me-s.

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That's a giant load of horsecrap

that will only hold you back

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from building something real.

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Once you've done that, you'll be able

to confront the real crap underneath.

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Ask yourself:

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What is my resentment

protecting me from addressing?

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Chances are you'll uncover a ton

of guilt and anger under there.

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Now, guilt is dead weight.

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It doesn't help anyone and just

keeps you spinning your wheels.

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Anger is valid, but

it's better out than in.

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Recognize it so it doesn't back up on you.

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Phase three is Compost that Crap

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This phase is about channeling all the

crap you've been through to transform

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what you've learned into actionable steps

that will generate growth and insight and

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increase your authenticity in the process.

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First, let's focus on personal

growth, reflect on what this

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experience has taught you about your

needs, your boundaries and values.

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Embrace self care to

strengthen your wellbeing.

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Ask yourself:

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"How can I grow from this experience

regardless of the outcome?"

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That's very important because if you only

tie your growth to getting a specific

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outcome, you miss a lot of opportunities

that could help you in future situations.

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Second, develop some routines

for rebuilding connection, like

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weekly meetings or daily check-ins

or intentional date nights.

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Right ... And, take one step at a time,

rebuilding trust incrementally through

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consistent and meaningful actions.

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Collaborate on creating a new

relationship model based on

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your shared purpose and values.

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And, you may need some

help figuring crap out.

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You don't have to do this alone.

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A coach or a counselor can help

you figure out what's holding

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you back and how to let it go.

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It's a dirty job, but having someone to

help you can make it a whole lot better.

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I've created a resource to walk

you through the S H I T model.

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There's a downloadable worksheet

linked in the show notes to guide

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you through the process, use it

to identify where you are and the

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steps you can take to move forward.

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And if you'd like some help with

that, book a Relationship Reset Call

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with me and we'll work on it together

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.

relationshipresetcall.com

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As we wrap up, there are three

key points I hope you'll take

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away from today's episode:

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#1: Not all let downs are betrayals.

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Disappointments hurt, but they don't

usually erode trust, while betrayal strike

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at the foundation of the relationship.

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#2: Use the S H I T model to help you

decide if you're ready to rebuild trust.

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It walks you through a process

to determine whether you're

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prepared to do the work.

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#3: is decisiveness and

letting go come first.

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Commit to staying or leaving

and release resentment before

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addressing the betrayal itself.

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It might be jarring to some of you

to think, oh, well, I'm not ready

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: 00:15:52

to overcome betrayal, but I'm not

ready to end the relationship either.

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: 00:15:56

I get that.

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: 00:15:57

I really do, but if you can't commit

to rebuilding trust, then you are

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: 00:16:03

letting go of the relationship.

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: 00:16:05

And in fact, a lot of relationships are

dead for years before anybody realizes it.

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: 00:16:11

Can you really live your best life

or even a good life with the corpse

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: 00:16:16

of your relationship rotting in

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: 00:16:17

your basement?

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: 00:16:18

I don't think so.

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: 00:16:20

So, do what you have to do to get to a

place where you can decide what you need.

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: 00:16:26

Even if it's hard.

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: 00:16:28

Even if you don't want to.

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: 00:16:29

Decisiveness is everything here.

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: 00:16:32

Next week's episode is the last

one in our Avoiding Divorce series.

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: 00:16:36

We're going to talk about what

happens when you lose alignment,

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: 00:16:40

and how to get back on the same

page with your partner, so you can

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: 00:16:44

move forward together and create the

better relationship both of you want.

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: 00:16:49

Alright.

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: 00:16:50

I hope today's episode added

some real value to your life.

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: 00:16:54

If you are ready for more support,

ideas, or just someone to brainstorm

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: 00:16:58

with here are three ways to get that.

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: 00:17:00

One is to join our private

and free Passionate Partners,

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: 00:17:04

Insider Community on Facebook for

exclusive content and resources.

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: 00:17:09

Number two is to visit our website

and our social channels to learn

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: 00:17:13

more about our programs, workshops,

and private coaching options.

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: 00:17:17

That's passionatepartnersproject.com

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: 00:17:20

And number three, if you want to dive

into your specific situation, book a

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: 00:17:24

free Relationship Reset Call with me.

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: 00:17:27

Whether it's a minor tune-up or

a major overhaul, we'll make a

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: 00:17:31

plan to get you back on track.

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: 00:17:33

Just head over to

relationshipresetcall.com

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: 00:17:36

to set that up.

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: 00:17:38

You'll find everything you need, including

the links to everything I've mentioned and

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: 00:17:42

my personal email right in the show notes.

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: 00:17:44

[email protected]

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: 00:17:44

I'll be here whenever you're ready.

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: 00:17:47

And now I've got a request.

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: 00:17:50

I could really use your help to get

the word out about Make More Love.

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: 00:17:54

First, if you haven't already, please

hit follow and subscribe on whatever

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: 00:17:59

platform you prefer when you do that.

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: 00:18:02

It helps more people find the show and

it makes sure you don't miss anything.

323

: 00:18:05

And second, even more important,

leaving a review will really

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: 00:18:09

help me grow our community so

we can reach even more people.

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: 00:18:14

And finally, if you know someone who's

struggling in their relationship,

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: 00:18:18

please share the show with them.

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: 00:18:20

A simple share from you could

be life-changing for them.

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: 00:18:23

So, thank you so much

for spreading the word.

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: 00:18:26

I believe you had good reasons

for choosing the partner you have.

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: 00:18:30

My mission is to help you reconnect

with those reasons and discover

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: 00:18:34

new ways to Make More Love in

Your Life and With Your Wife.

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: 00:18:38

I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's

what I've got for you today.