In this episode of Make More Love, Ellen Dorian explores the impact of betrayal on relationships and how it undermines trust, presence, and purpose—the key drivers of a passionate partnership. Ellen introduces the S*H*I*T Model, a practical framework designed to help listeners process betrayal, rebuild trust, and move forward, whether that means repairing the relationship or deciding to let it go.
Part 1: Betrayals vs. Disappointments
Part 2: The S*H*I*T Model
Part 3: Practical Advice
Key Takeaways:
Ellen created a free downloadable worksheet to guide you through the S*H*I*T Model. Use it to figure out where you stand and the steps you can take to move forward. If you need personalized support, book a free Relationship Reset Call with Ellen at relationshipresetcall.com.
Next week, Ellen will wrap up the Avoiding Divorce series with a discussion on regaining alignment in your relationship and how to create a shared vision for the future.
Ellen invites listeners to share their thoughts, either in the P3 Insider's Community or directly with her via email. Or, for one on one brainstorming on a specific situation, listeners can set up a time on Ellen's Calendar for a free Relationship Reset Call.
All links can be found below.
S*H*I*T Model Worksheet: https://drive.google.com/file/d/12u7PnW5OSu-ac28ckuoDCoryDW-Zl-vv/view?usp=sharing
"Until next time, remember, 'What I want most in the world is for you to Make More Love in Your Life and with Your Wife.'" - Ellen Dorian
The Make More Love show is for information and entertainment purposes only, and reflects the personal opinions and experiences of the host and guests. It is not a substitute for professional advice or guidance in specific situations.
www.passionatepartnersproject.com
https://www.facebook.com/groups/682764239165105
Email: [email protected]
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ellen.dorian.7/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ellendorian/
http://relationshipresetcall.com
Hey there.
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:Welcome to Make More Love.
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:This is the show for driven
entrepreneurial men who want a
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:passionate, aligned, and fun relationship
with their spouse that lasts a lifetime.
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:I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is
your space for straight-up, judgment-free
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:conversations about creating a life
where you handle the demands of
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:business, relationships and everything
else in a holistic and fulfilling way.
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:We're all about helping you be
extraordinary in every way that matters.
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:If you're new to the show, be sure to
hit that "Follow" or "Subscribe" button
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:right now so you never miss an episode.
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:If you're serious about transforming
your relationship and your life, staying
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:connected here is your first step.
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:And, if you find today's conversation
helpful, please share it with
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:a friend who could use some new
ideas for their own relationship.
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:Today, we're getting into part three of
our series on Divorce and How to Avoid It.
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:I believe avoiding divorce requires
that we bulletproof our relationships,
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:from the stresses of life as well
as the mistakes we're bound to make.
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:Through my research, I've found that the
most effective, logical, and actionable
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:way to achieve this is by focusing on
three key drivers that are present in
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:every Passionate Partnership I've studied.
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:Those three drivers are:
Passion, Presence and Purpose.
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:Last week, we talked about barriers
to passion and sexual intimacy.
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:This week, I'm going to talk about the
competing forces of Presence and Betrayal.
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:Betrayals are monumentally damaging to
relationships because they attack two
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:of the key drivers I just mentioned:
Presence and Purpose, but especially
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:Presence, because presence is about
showing up fully in your relationship,
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:emotionally, mentally, and physically.
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:But, some of the biggest enemies
of presence are Blame, Shame and
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:Guilt, and betrayals generate
all three of those in spades.
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:When those emotions take over, they
break our ability to connect, to listen
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:and to be fully engaged with each other.
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:So, what constitutes betrayal and how
do you overcome it in a way that sets
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:your relationship on a better path?
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:Every relationship is going to experience
let downs over the course of a lifetime.
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:We're talking about human beings
after all, and none of us are perfect.
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:However, not every let down in
a relationship is a betrayal.
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:Some are disappointments.
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:Disappointments hurt
sometimes more than we expect.
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:They're frustrating, even infuriating.
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:They happen when expectations
aren't met, like maybe your partner
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:forgets something important, cancels
plans at the last minute, or fails
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:to follow through on a promise.
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:But disappointments don't usually
undermine the foundation of
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:trust in your relationship.
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:They're just the everyday
bumps that happen when two
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:imperfect people share a life.
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:What's important is that you can,
and usually do recover from them.
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:There is one caveat.
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:If you consistently disappoint your
partner, that overall pattern of
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:disappointment can add up to a betrayal
of the commitment to your relationship.
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:With that in mind, I want to tell
you a story of one of my clients, CL.
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:CL was married to the owner of a
demolition contracting company,
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:and her husband had a habit
that frankly, she didn't like.
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:He knew it wasn't good for him, and
he often talked openly about giving
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:it up, but he never followed through.
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:Of course, she was disappointed,
but as she put it, "I'm
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:his lover, not his mother."
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:Eventually though the situation came to
a head and he finally decided to stop.
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:She was so proud of him.
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:She celebrated his decision, held
his hand through it, gave him lots
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:of acknowledgement and validation,
and supported him to stick with it
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:long enough to see how much better
his life could be without it.
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:And he soaked up all that positivity.
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:But later, he went back to it.
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:Without telling her.
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:Even as she continued to cheer
him on, he let her believe
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:something that wasn't true.
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:When she found out she said, "That's when
disappointment turned into betrayal."
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:It wasn't that he went back.
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:It was that he led me on, letting
me think he was done with it.
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:And that's how something that started
out as an undesirable, but not
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:dangerous or illegal behavior became
potential relationship ending event.
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:CL hired me to get some clarity
about whether she was willing to
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:work on the relationship at all.
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:She also needed to figure out how
to trust if her husband was sincere
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:about working on the relationship.
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:And then we worked out what it
would take to rebuild trust.
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:I'm going to have to get back to you
on this story and let you know how it
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:plays out because it's too early to tell.
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:What makes betrayals different
from other kinds of letdowns
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:is that they erode trust.
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:They have two unique traits.
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:The first one is Forethought.
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:Betrayal often involves at least some
awareness that your actions or inactions
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:will hurt your partner or break trust.
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:It's not just a mistake or an oversight.
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:It's a choice to move forward despite
knowing the likely emotional impact.
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:The second one is Perception.
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:Betrayal isn't just about what you did.
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:It's about how your partner
interprets your action.
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:If they see it as crossing their emotional
boundaries, breaking commitments,
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:or de-valuing the relationship,
it will feel deeply personal.
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:Even if you weren't intending to damage
the relationship, the emotional weight
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:of feeling dismissed, unimportant or
deceived creates the sense of betrayal.
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:When we think of betrayal in a
relationship, Infidelity's often
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:the first one that comes to mind,
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:but there are betrayals that
are just as damaging, even if
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:they don't involve an affair.
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:Here are the top 12 examples of
betrayals in relationship, not
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:necessarily in order of importance.
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:1: Infidelity-either
emotional or physical affairs.
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:2: Lying or hiding important information.
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:3: Breaking promises or consistently
failing to follow through.
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:4: Unilaterally ending the sexual
component of the relationship.
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:5: Prioritizing work or other
obligations over the relationship.
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:I know that's a little hard for us
business owners to swallow, but if you
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:talk to any spouse of any business owner,
it quickly becomes apparent that it
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:really does feel like a betrayal to them.
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:6: Sharing private information
or breaking confidences.
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:7: Stonewalling or
emotionally withdrawing.
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:Episode 26 of the show is devoted
to stonewalling, and if you
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:haven't heard it, you should
really go back and have a listen.
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:8: Addictions and the coverups
that often accompany them.
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:9: Financial secrecy like hiding accounts
or hiding assets or hiding debts.
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:10: Dismissing or invalidating
your partner's feelings.
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:11: Public disrespect or criticism.
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:12: Not having your
partner's back in a conflict.
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:A common example is not
standing up to your parents when
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:they criticize your partner.
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:So why is it important to recognize the
line between disappointment and betrayal?
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:The main reason is that it helps
you respond in a way that's honest
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:and fair and aligned with what
your relationship actually needs.
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:If you lean toward a more
emotionally volatile style, you
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:might over-emphasize something that's
really not relationship limiting.
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:But on the other hand,
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:If you tend to downplay the importance of
things, you might dismiss something that's
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:actually a big issue for your partner.
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:So, recognizing your own leanings
and acknowledging your partner
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:style is a big advantage.
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:Let's talk about inevitability.
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:I believe that disappointments are
inevitable, but what about betrayals?
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:Are they inevitable?
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:The answer really depends
on how you define betrayal.
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:If you consider betrayal as an
intentional breach of trust,
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:then no, they're not inevitable.
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:Betrayals require awareness and a
conscious choice to disregard boundaries,
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:values, or emotional safety . Healthy
relationships involve mutual respect and a
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:shared commitment to avoid such breaches.
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:Or
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:If you think betrayals can also include
unintentional or subtle breaches,
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:then maybe they are inevitable.
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:Things like forgetting a significant
promise or failing to prioritize
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:your partner or unintentionally
crossing a boundary might happen
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:even in the best relationships.
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:The way we address acknowledge, repair and
prevent them can mitigate their impact.
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:If you and your partner can come to
agreement about which definition you
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:choose, you'll be in a much stronger
position to work through any conflicts.
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:So if you're looking for a place
to begin, that's a great one.
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:On that note.
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:I'd like to share something.
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:I offer my listeners.
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:A lot of you've been reaching
out with questions about your own
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:relationships and I want to help.
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:So, I'm offering this free
Relationship Reset Call.
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:It's a quick 15 or so minutes.
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:Just you and me, where we get the lay
of the land and we sketch out a plan to
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:get you moving in the right direction.
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:Would you like to be sure that you're
focusing on the most urgent and
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:important issues in your relationship?
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:If you answered "Yes," then let's connect.
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:Just head over to
relationshipresetcall.com,
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:grab your spot, and we'll jump on
a call and figure everything out.
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:Because honestly, ...and
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:you know this as well as I do ...if
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:you let your relationship slide, the cost
to you financially, socially, emotionally,
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:and in every other way is just enormous.
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:It will truly put a dent in your armor.
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:So let's not let that happen.
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:Let's get you on a trajectory to Make
More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife.
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:And we're back.
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:I'm really excited to share
this next part with you.
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:I just created a new model to
help you overcome betrayal.
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:It's called the S*H*I*T Model.
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:This is a conceptual framework.
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:There are quite a few implementation
steps that are not listed here, but
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:making a decision is a prerequisite
for anything else to happen.
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:When you're in a situation where a
betrayal has happened, you might be
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:wondering, can this even be fixed?
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:That's where the S*H*I*T model comes in.
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:It's not a one size fits all
step-by-step process, but it provides
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:a logical framework to help you
think through the key steps that
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:would be needed for recovery.
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:It's a good idea to start by
working through this on your own.
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:That way you can determine if you're truly
committed to repairing the relationship,
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:because if you're not, there's no point
in asking your partner, if they are.
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:So let's get into this model.
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:By the way,
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:Y'all know I'm a straight
talker, but the platforms that
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:be are picky about language.
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:So the word of the day is crap.
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:There are three phases in the model.
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:Phase One: Crap or Get Off the Pot.
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:This means decide if you're ready to work
on rebuilding trust in your relationship.
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:Nothing can happen until you make
a clear commitment to either repair
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:the relationship or let it go.
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:Take an honest look at where you
stand and whether you're willing to
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:show up for whatever happens next.
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:If you're not ready yet, take a minute
to figure out what's holding you back.
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:Is it fear, or doubt, or maybe
just not knowing where to start?
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:Whatever it is, you need to get
clear on it so that it can't
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:continue to hold you back.
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:Once you know that, you can
start making real progress.
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:Look at your habits and goals.
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:What needs to shift so you can rebuild
trust and reconnect with your partner?
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:Consistency is the most
important part of this.
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:Show up as promised and follow through
on whatever you say you will do.
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:Let's move on to:
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:Phase Two: Climb Off the Crap Pile.
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:This means you'll need to stop
nurturing your pain and set
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:aside unrealistic expectations.
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:The first thing is you're going to need
to end your love affair with resentment.
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:Resentment can be oddly seductive.
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:It feels comforting and delicious
because it justifies your
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:pain and validates your anger.
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:We often create a resentment
story--a twisted version of a
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:love story where we cast ourselves
as both the victim and the hero.
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:Now, if you're serious about
rebuilding trust, it starts with saying
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:goodbye to your resentment story.
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:Think of it as a toddler, waving goodbye
to their turd as they flush it away.
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:It's time to let it go.
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:The next thing is to
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:Clear out the Fairy Tale Bullcrap
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:In addition to letting go of your
own story, we've got to let go of
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:society's stories too, so let's drop
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:...
the prince charming-s
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:the soul mate-s
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:the happily ever after-s,
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:the love is all you need-s.
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:The love conquers all-s.
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:And the you complete me-s.
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:That's a giant load of horsecrap
that will only hold you back
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:from building something real.
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:Once you've done that, you'll be able
to confront the real crap underneath.
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:Ask yourself:
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:What is my resentment
protecting me from addressing?
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:Chances are you'll uncover a ton
of guilt and anger under there.
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:Now, guilt is dead weight.
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:It doesn't help anyone and just
keeps you spinning your wheels.
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:Anger is valid, but
it's better out than in.
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:Recognize it so it doesn't back up on you.
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:Phase three is Compost that Crap
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:This phase is about channeling all the
crap you've been through to transform
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:what you've learned into actionable steps
that will generate growth and insight and
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:increase your authenticity in the process.
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:First, let's focus on personal
growth, reflect on what this
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:experience has taught you about your
needs, your boundaries and values.
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:Embrace self care to
strengthen your wellbeing.
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:Ask yourself:
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:"How can I grow from this experience
regardless of the outcome?"
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:That's very important because if you only
tie your growth to getting a specific
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:outcome, you miss a lot of opportunities
that could help you in future situations.
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:Second, develop some routines
for rebuilding connection, like
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:weekly meetings or daily check-ins
or intentional date nights.
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:Right ... And, take one step at a time,
rebuilding trust incrementally through
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:consistent and meaningful actions.
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:Collaborate on creating a new
relationship model based on
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:your shared purpose and values.
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:And, you may need some
help figuring crap out.
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:You don't have to do this alone.
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:A coach or a counselor can help
you figure out what's holding
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:you back and how to let it go.
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:It's a dirty job, but having someone to
help you can make it a whole lot better.
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:I've created a resource to walk
you through the S H I T model.
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:There's a downloadable worksheet
linked in the show notes to guide
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:you through the process, use it
to identify where you are and the
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:steps you can take to move forward.
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:And if you'd like some help with
that, book a Relationship Reset Call
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:with me and we'll work on it together
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:.
relationshipresetcall.com
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:As we wrap up, there are three
key points I hope you'll take
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:away from today's episode:
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:#1: Not all let downs are betrayals.
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:Disappointments hurt, but they don't
usually erode trust, while betrayal strike
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:at the foundation of the relationship.
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:#2: Use the S H I T model to help you
decide if you're ready to rebuild trust.
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:It walks you through a process
to determine whether you're
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:prepared to do the work.
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:#3: is decisiveness and
letting go come first.
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:Commit to staying or leaving
and release resentment before
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:addressing the betrayal itself.
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:It might be jarring to some of you
to think, oh, well, I'm not ready
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:to overcome betrayal, but I'm not
ready to end the relationship either.
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:I get that.
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:I really do, but if you can't commit
to rebuilding trust, then you are
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:letting go of the relationship.
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:And in fact, a lot of relationships are
dead for years before anybody realizes it.
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:Can you really live your best life
or even a good life with the corpse
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:of your relationship rotting in
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:your basement?
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:I don't think so.
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:So, do what you have to do to get to a
place where you can decide what you need.
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:Even if it's hard.
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:Even if you don't want to.
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:Decisiveness is everything here.
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:Next week's episode is the last
one in our Avoiding Divorce series.
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:We're going to talk about what
happens when you lose alignment,
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:and how to get back on the same
page with your partner, so you can
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:move forward together and create the
better relationship both of you want.
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:Alright.
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:I hope today's episode added
some real value to your life.
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:If you are ready for more support,
ideas, or just someone to brainstorm
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:with here are three ways to get that.
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:One is to join our private
and free Passionate Partners,
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:Insider Community on Facebook for
exclusive content and resources.
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:Number two is to visit our website
and our social channels to learn
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:more about our programs, workshops,
and private coaching options.
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:That's passionatepartnersproject.com
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:And number three, if you want to dive
into your specific situation, book a
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:free Relationship Reset Call with me.
310
:Whether it's a minor tune-up or
a major overhaul, we'll make a
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:plan to get you back on track.
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:Just head over to
relationshipresetcall.com
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:to set that up.
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:You'll find everything you need, including
the links to everything I've mentioned and
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:my personal email right in the show notes.
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:
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:I'll be here whenever you're ready.
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:And now I've got a request.
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:I could really use your help to get
the word out about Make More Love.
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:First, if you haven't already, please
hit follow and subscribe on whatever
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:platform you prefer when you do that.
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:It helps more people find the show and
it makes sure you don't miss anything.
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:And second, even more important,
leaving a review will really
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:help me grow our community so
we can reach even more people.
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:And finally, if you know someone who's
struggling in their relationship,
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:please share the show with them.
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:A simple share from you could
be life-changing for them.
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:So, thank you so much
for spreading the word.
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:I believe you had good reasons
for choosing the partner you have.
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:My mission is to help you reconnect
with those reasons and discover
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:new ways to Make More Love in
Your Life and With Your Wife.
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:I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's
what I've got for you today.