Episode Summary

In today's episode, we're diving deep into the topic of external validation. Join me as we explore the question, whose idea of perfection are you really trying to live up to? We'll uncover the origins of our own ideas of perfection and discover how external forces, such as societal expectations and childhood influences, shape our need for validation. Throughout the episode, we'll discuss the pitfalls of seeking external validation and its impact on our personal and professional lives. But don't worry, I've got some valuable tips to help you overcome this challenge and step into your own worth. So, whether you're listening on our podcast or joining our live conversation on the Whole Lot of Shift Facebook group, get ready to make shift happen and reclaim your power in your business and your life. Let's dive in!

About the Host:

Jen is a Dream Catalyst and Business Mentor saving hustling female solopreneurs from the chains of corporate America. Her passion lies in helping women through their self awakening so they can finally break free, turn their side hustle into the business of their dreams, and live a life full of time, location and financial freedom.

Jen is a California girl at heart, now living out her dream in the Midwest, traveling, coaching female solopreneurs and sharing her own story of triumph and empowerment across speaking platforms. When she's not traveling, she enjoys spending time with her college aged son and her rescued Pit Bull.

After 20 years of various project manager and corporate trainer roles while juggling a wide array of side gigs, she has mastered the ability to help women see what they cannot see, believe they are meant for more and take aligned action to make it happen. With an MBA in Change Management, and a Health and Life Coach Certification from the Health Coach Institute, Jen is an expert at creating both the business process changes and the personal habit changes needed to finally Break UP with corporate and go all-in on your side hustle or long standing passion project.

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I have to go back to you and ask, whose idea of perfection are

you really trying to live up to?

Because even your own idea of perfection for yourself, How was

that idea created and molded?

There's a really good chance it was created from external forces.

So I really want you guys to be thinking about who is it that's telling you that

you have to show up a certain way and that you can't just show up exactly

as you are sharing what it is that you want to share and presenting your

business as you want to present to it.

Who is it that's officially telling you?

And even if you want to sit here and you want to say, well, Quote unquote society

says, well, who in society is saying this, some sort of company's marketing group.

Is that who's saying it?

I mean, I want you to really think about that.

Or are these messages again from childhood that are just instilled

in us that just never quite go away?

Welcome to a whole lot of shift podcast, the podcast for multi passionate women

with an entrepreneurial spirit, where we provide inspiration, motivation, and

education to help you shift away from all the shoulds and supposed to's to what's

truly possible for you in your business and your life, all on your own terms.

You ready, girl, let's make shift happen.

hello and welcome to another episode of a whole lot of shift.

Thank you all for joining me today.

It is time for another Friday coffee chat.

So if you are part of the whole lot of shift Facebook group, then you

are getting to enjoy this live and leave any comments and interact.

Live, but if you're catching this on the podcast, you are lucky to have me

in your ear for the next few minutes while we take a deep dive into the

pitfalls of external validation.

But if you're not in the Facebook group yet, what are you doing?

Get over here.

There's lots and lots of valuable content being shared and some things

coming up that I've got up my sleeve.

So.

All right.

This week, excuse me, this month, we are talking about visibility.

And so this week, we're diving a little deeper into self worth.

And I want to kind of dig into one of the...

pitfalls.

That's really common when it comes to really showing up and making

yourself visible in your business.

And it really kind of takes us back to the need for external validation.

And so I'm gonna take a deeper dive into that today and talk about, you

know, Hey, where does this come from?

What are what are Some of the pitfalls where how is this showing up for us

in our everyday lives in our business?

what have you and And I'm going to share some tips on how you can

maybe overcome this and and start increasing that visibility Because

that's what we're here to do.

That's what the whole topic is this month.

So thank you all for joining me today on Monday, as part of the Monday mindset,

one of the things that I shared was a little bit about knowing your worth

and, and I kind of gave you guys some affirmations to put into place every

day just to really start honing that in.

But today I'm going to take a deeper dive into external validation and

kind of where that need stems from.

And if we really think about it, especially as women, this really kind of.

goes way back, right?

Like, let's just talk about a little nostalgia for ya.

Remember those praises we got as a child about being a good

girl, quote unquote, right?

Those were things that, you know, they sounded really nice on the ears.

But it kinda carried a little bit of an undertone that likely as

a child we didn't even realize.

But when we really think about it, when were we typically told,

you're being such a good girl?

It was probably when we were sitting still, we were quiet, we

weren't making a quote unquote fuss, we weren't creating any waves.

We weren't being argumentative.

It was kind of one of those things, you know, I don't know if your parents

ever said it, but I know mine sure did.

Children should be seen and not heard.

And well, if they could also not be seen, that'd be okay.

Right?

And we don't realize that some of those little things like

that, it really does impact us.

Because what we're hearing as a young child is Nobody wants to hear me.

The only time that I get praised is when I am silent.

Is when I'm sitting here being quote, a good girl, meaning that

I'm not even getting to speak up.

I, I don't even know that I'm Saying what I want to say, doing what I want

to do, showing up as the real me.

Maybe I'd rather just be dancing around, making all sorts of fuss just because

it looks like a good time, right?

But no, I've had to be a good girl.

So I'm going to sit here and I'm going to be quiet.

So this really matters and we don't even realize it, but.

Honestly, this is kind of where some of that began, right?

When we think about even just our roles overall, so often women is, are kind

of seen as like the natural caregivers as part of our femininity, right?

Our nurturing.

State we're seen as the caregiver.

So we're the one who's Hey, look after your siblings.

Hey, take care of this or take care of that.

We're just seeing more as a caregiver and not so much as a go getter.

Right?

And so even our roles in society are, You know, they've kind of been defined

and then the times changed and now you kind of have to be a go getter.

I mean, women are clearly working outside the home and

have been for quite some time.

And we're doing all sorts of things.

We get educations.

We now have bank accounts legally.

We can do that.

We can have credit cards.

We can make our own decisions.

And this is something far different than maybe how we were raised, right?

And so we don't even realize it, but there's still these tiny remnants that are

left out in society about these standards.

And sometimes we just, we forget about it.

Right?

So there's that need for some sort of validation, almost like

we're still looking to be told.

You're being good.

You're being the good girl.

But when we really get down deep into when was it that we were told we were doing

good, what were we doing or not doing?

Well, this kind of speaks to maybe some issues with how we show up today.

And don't even get me started on just, like, pop culture's role that

has played in how we choose to show up or making ourselves visible.

I mean, the whole way in which a woman's value is tied to her appearance or her...

I mean, even in, in our careers, in our corporate careers, if you

think about it, if we show up and we're a little too direct or too

assertive or too decisive, right?

Well, then you're a bitch, right?

Like, we don't even get this opportunity.

Really?

We're probably not even doing anything different than any of the men in the room.

But if we do it, we're a bitch.

And I talked about this a few episodes back and trying to kind of reclaim that

word for ourselves a little bit, right?

Cause there's a difference between being assertive and direct and being a bitch.

Those are different things.

And yet we're told so often that they're one in the same.

And so when we think about all these.

These mixed signals that we're getting, this is what starts to play into the

stories that we tell ourselves that prevent us from fully showing up how we

want to both personally, professionally in our career, in our business, just

in society is Jen in general, right?

So here we are.

So now you've got this business and you want, you, you want it to grow.

You know, you know that you're a bad ass boss.

You know what you came here to do.

You know what you have, you know, the skills that you have.

And now we feel like there's the, yet this.

Other image that we somehow have to live up to, right?

Like we actually have to do it even better than, than someone else, right?

We're still looking for this approval, if you will.

And it just, it's confusing.

It creates mixed signals.

It's exhausting.

It's overwhelming.

The mental weight of it all starts to wear us down.

So where this really hits us and some of these pitfalls goes

into the comparison trap, right?

And I think social media is just, this is a great example of where we can

easily fall into the comparison trap.

Like, especially if we want to talk about like the Instagram perfect

aesthetic, if you will, right?

Like, Even as I'm sitting here today, and I know that I'm on video and I'm live,

you know, there's so many of us who are like, Oh, I can't make a reel today.

I didn't, I didn't fix my hair.

I didn't put on any makeup.

Am I wearing the right thing?

How does everything look?

How do I appear?

You know, is anybody going to have what are people going to say?

Nobody's going to watch it.

Oh man.

Nobody's going to watch it.

If I, if my makeup isn't just right, I want us all to take a moment

and think about how silly that is.

Like, we're literally saying that what we have to share isn't of good

enough value because of some sort of image that A social media company has

tried to make us believe we need to be, or any other companies, all the,

all the freaking beauty, the entire beauty industry, honestly, right?

So, I think, I just think of like Instagram and some of those, I think

this is a great example of how we so easily fall into that comparison trap

and think, oh gosh, I can't, I can't show up on social media today because I don't

have things put together, everything's not perfect, et cetera, et cetera.

You know who I think does a really good job of saying screw that is Mel Robbins.

Like, she is so inspiring.

I absolutely love following her on social media because she does such an incredible

job of being like She could be laying in bed, and if she has a thought that she

thinks is of value, that she wants to get out to her audience and share immediately,

here she is, she's laying in bed, she's got bed head, her glasses aren't on, she's

a whole hot mess, and she hits record, and she'll be doing like, she'll create

this reel, or whatever it is, and, and she doesn't even care, or she's walking

outside in the middle of winter, and like, Her nose is just red like Rudolph.

There's like tears streaming down her face from the cold and she's just

over here getting her message out.

Like zero fucks given.

Okay, I, if you don't follow Mel Robbins, I, I encourage you to go check her out.

I love all of her content, but I think she does such an incredible job of

just showing up is authentically her and, and really kind of helping to.

So get rid of this whole idea that you need to show up a

certain way on social media.

The other thought, last week, if you caught last week's episode or last

week's coffee chat, one of the things that I talked about was the idea of

perfection and waiting for something to be I have to think, you know, last

week I talked a lot about perfection is all in the eyes of the beholder, right?

Our idea of perfection is different.

What my idea of perfection is versus somebody else's idea of perfection is

just several different, you know, they can be absolutely completely different.

So when we're sitting here.

And we're thinking, well, I have to live up to this certain image, and

I'm trying to kind of mold myself into someone else's idea perfect,

thus losing ourself in the process.

I have to go back to you and ask, whose idea of perfection are

you really trying to live up to?

Because even your own idea of perfection for yourself, How was

that idea created and molded?

There's a really good chance it was created from external forces.

So I really want you guys to be thinking about who is it that's telling you that

you have to show up a certain way and that you can't just show up exactly

as you are sharing what it is that you want to share and presenting your

business as you want to present to it.

Who is it that's officially telling you?

And even if you want to sit here and you want to say, well, Quote unquote society

says, well, who in society is saying this, some sort of company's marketing group.

Is that who's saying it?

I mean, I want you to really think about that.

Or are these messages again from childhood that are just instilled

in us that just never quite go away?

Like, Oh, I shouldn't portray myself this way.

How much of myself do I want to show to social media?

Do I want to show you know, do I want to, do I want to show this part of me

or do I want to show that part of me?

Is this okay to say, are people going to relate to that and just.

You go down that rabbit hole, and I, I, I took a deep dive into that last week,

so I'm not going to get into it too much, but it, it all kind of ties together.

We start to lose who we are in that pursuit of trying to be something

else for, for someone else, and we don't even know who that person is.

Who is it that's saying that you have to be this way?

Who is it?

I think this all turns goes back to seeking that external

validation for your visibility or just seeking external validation.

In general, we've spent our whole lives being taught to seek

out some sort of validation.

I mean, even, even when we think about.

Especially, especially the generations from, you know, today,

Gen, Gen X Millennials, they had it just drilled into their heads.

Well, you, you have to do good in school.

You got to go to school and then you got to go to college and it's got to be a

good college and then you got to get this degree and that degree and then once you

do that, then you got to do this, right?

Like there was all these.

Check boxes that you had to check as though you weren't going to be valuable

if you didn't check these things.

Right?

And so this all goes back to how it's been instilled in us that we, we need

some sort of external validation, right?

Here's the thing, and I mentioned this, I believe, in, in Monday's

Mindset, in the Facebook group.

When we look towards those external factors to seek our validation,

we're really just setting us up for one hell of a rollercoaster ride.

One day we're going to get up.

We're going to be up and then the next day we're going to be down because

we're going to be up the minute that we hear that external validation.

And then the days where we maybe aren't hearing it so much, then we're down,

but we're also down when we sit down and we try to listen to ourselves

and we're going, God, I'm exhausted.

And you know why I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted because I feel like I'm trying to be all these things.

And I can't be all these things, and I don't want to be all these things.

And it's because we're trying to be something, some sort of image that we

believe somebody else wants us to be.

And we're not staying true to our authentic self.

So, I kind of want to pivot this just a little bit.

And now I want to start talking about some ways that we can kind of Work our

way out of this, if you will, right?

Like, think about so what's the path forward?

So, so we know that it's deep ingrained in us to seek some sort of external

validation and it's deep ingrained with us to maybe, be quiet, be the

good girl, live up to some sort of imaginary standard, if you will.

So how do I, how do I start showing up fully showing up as myself

and learning how to do that?

I think there's a few tips that I want to share.

I think the first one has to start with some sort of.

Self compassion.

When you think about it, if you had, if your best friend showed up tomorrow

and they made some sort of mistake and they were just dwelling over it, but in

your mind, this was like a minor issue, what would you say to that friend?

You probably have a lot of kind words to share with them and share with

them all the reasons in which they are abso freaking lutely amazing

and you love them and care about them exactly as they fucking are.

And this mistake, whatever it may be, makes no matter of difference to you or

probably anybody else in your opinion.

Right?

That's the kind of thing that you would say to your friend.

So why aren't you saying that to yourself?

That's the first thing.

Self compassion.

Second one, I shared in the Monday Mindset, some of those daily affirmations.

I know it sounds a little hokey if you haven't done them before.

I totally get it.

But those affirmations really work.

And it really works when it's something that's repetitive that you can say.

You can say out loud so that you can hear your own voice.

That's actually a really big piece of it.

You want to be able to see it, read it, say it, hear it, all

those things, and put it on repeat.

Those affirmations of I am worthy, I am valuable.

I matter.

My message matters.

What I have to share and bring to the world matters because

it does those little, little affirmations can really, really help.

And if you start making that a habit, that's going to help start to reframe

some of those internal thoughts, those deep rooted internal thoughts

and how you perceive yourself.

The third thing journaling.

I know, again, this sounds a little hokey.

Look, I'm not going to sit here and tell you, Oh, you can just journal your

way to having a successful business.

That's kind of a load of shit.

So I'm not going to tell you that.

But what I am going to say is that when there are pieces that you are struggling

with, when there are things that you are struggling with in your business that has

to do with how you're showing up for it.

Something like journaling can be very helpful.

It's very therapeutic.

It's it's a way to get your thoughts out.

It sounds as kind of a reminder for your journey, for your

growth, for your achievements.

There's all sorts of ways in which you could journal.

You could create a celebration journal or an achievement journal, right?

Or a gratitude journal.

And I won't go too deep into all the ways in which you could journal.

I'll save that for another episode, but that's just another option for you.

That was number three, number four, constructive feedback.

I think this is really important.

I think that.

You know, I talk a lot about the whole ownership community and what I really

want for it to be is one of those places that you can go to and really be part

of a community that's there to lift you up to provide you with some inspiration

that is going to help you with some feedback that's going to help you move

forward and is going to help lift you up instead of Tearing you down or making you

feel like you're not living up to some sort of quote unquote standard, right?

So I think seeking some sort of constructive feedback again surrounding

yourselves with People who are trying to do the same things that you're trying

to do the people who are interested in the same Self improvement and

growth that you're interested in.

The next thing, number five would be to celebrate your small wins.

And I've talked about this several times before, but the truth is that

we need to kind of train our brain.

If you will train our brain.

And that's why I talk so much about creating these small wins because we

need to give ourselves, give ourselves those extra reminders so that they

continue to accumulate over time.

And we start learning how to give ourselves that validation, right?

Because we don't wanna be continuing to seek validation elsewhere or externally.

We wanna start looking within.

for that validation.

And so celebrating some of those small wins can serve as those extra reminders

of the amazing things that you're doing.

And number six, self care.

And I know we hear this so much, right?

And so every time we hear self care, we typically think of, Oh,

massage, a pedicure, whatever.

Yes, those can be counted as self care.

Self care can also just be a matter of some sort of mental break.

Self care is about also.

Setting some boundaries cherishing yourself and all that you have done.

I cannot speak enough to setting boundaries as a really great

way for self care and especially when it comes to visibility.

I'll share more on this later this month, but I think for me, one of the big shifts

that I had to make in my own journey as I was learning how to how to show up

more in, In my business and with others and while networking and show up more

in social media and all these places I really had to Set some boundaries.

Okay.

So what are some of the things that are stopping me?

Well, I I don't like the judgment that I get from family when they see me

sharing on my social media, some of the other things about my life that,

that I'm doing, or, you know, if I have a new business, they're always quick

to judge and tell me, well, don't, don't you already have a real job?

You know, right.

Their own beliefs, they're quick to put back on me.

And so there was a period of time, a few years back, I just.

Unfriended them, like just removed them from my feed.

And so I'll get it, I'll get deeper into that, but such a

great example of some self care.

That's what was stopping me.

That's what was preventing me from sharing with others what

I was doing in my business.

Well, there's, there's a way to fix that.

And it meant setting a boundary and it meant sharing with them.

Hey, this is what I'm doing.

And I'd really like your support.

And if you don't feel that you can support me, please let me know so that I

can establish that boundary for myself.

We're on that later, I think I'll go, I'll, I'll, I'll share some more

stories and how that all played out.

All right.

I think that was the last one.

That was tip number six.

So, really quick.

I want to go back as we start to work towards that internal validation.

The six tips that I just shared to help you.

Number one was self compassion.

Remembering what would you tell a friend, right?

If they came to you saying they just made a mistake.

Treat yourself the same way.

Number two, those daily affirmations, telling yourself you are valuable,

you are worthy, what you are doing fucking matters because it does.

And put that shit on repeat.

Number three, journaling is really just an incredible therapeutic practice.

And it serves as a reminder of your journey and your growth and all of your

wins and your achievements along the way.

And I can tell you.

When I go back and I look at old journals, man, it's, it's, it's really impactful.

It's really impactful.

So journaling was number three, number four, constructive feedback, seek out

advice or feedback from trusted sources who, you know, are going to provide

you with constructive feedback to help you move forward, but also help lift

you up and not place judgment, but just people who are able to just be curious.

and help.

Number five, celebrate your small wins.

We always want to be celebrating those small wins.

They accumulate over time and that helps us create a bigger foundation

as we go through our journey.

And number six, that self care and remembering that self care isn't just

about spas and luxury and indulge indulgences, although they can be, it's

also about things like mental breaks, setting boundaries things of that nature.

All right, shifters.

I hope that you guys really enjoyed this episode.

I really, really I really enjoyed sharing all of this with you.

I think it's really important for us to understand where some of this need to

to seek some sort of external validation comes from and how we have tried to tie

our own personal self worth directly to this validation and how we can start

changing that and looking for that validation from within ourselves and and

start showing up fully in our business.

So I think that wraps it up for today's coffee chat.

Please be sure and leave me a comment.

If this resonated with you, tell me one of the tips that you would

like to try if you aren't doing them already, whether that be.

Journaling self care, setting boundaries, whatever that might look

like for you, your daily affirmations.

Did you take on that challenge that I shared this last Monday

and say your daily affirmations?

I would love to know.

So be sure to leave me a comment.

All right, shifters until next time, keep making shift happen by now.

Hey shifters, thank you so much for tuning in to another

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