Shownotes
In this episode I’m talking with Sarah Jane Yang, RN about what medical advocacy is and how an advocate can help you navigate the complex healthcare and insurance systems. Dealing with your own or a loved ones’ health problems is difficult and stressful enough without having to wade through the endless red tape and bureaucracy, but you don’t have to go it alone! If you’re in a caregiving position or know someone who is, this episode is for you.
About Sarah Jane:
Sarah Jane Yang is a Masters prepared Registered Nurse and Healthcare Advocate.
Her time at major urban academic medical centers such as Harborview in Seattle and Weil-Cornell Medical Center in New York City, shaped her early career with rich learning environments, and her intensive care specialization gave her advanced training in cardiothoracic resuscitation and neurological emergencies.
This scientific base has been a solid foundation upon which to lay disease specific program management experience, hospital quality leadership training, and strategic relationship building skills.
During her 15-year career as an RN, Sarah Jane has earned additional certifications and honors including a feature in the Washington Post in 2023, a first author medical research publication in the Journal of Stroke & Cerebrovascular Disease in 2019, and in 2018 she received the Mary McClinton Patient Safety Award. She has also earned the Stroke Certified Registered Nurse (SCRN®) credential, and the Critical Care RN Certification (CCRN®).
What is a Healthcare Advocate?
Healthcare Advocacy is a burgeoning field that requires compassion, tenacity, and accountability. Businesses and individuals all over the United States have begun to seek out highly skilled health advocates to creatively solve individual and system level issues for patients and organizations.
As an expert consultant, a Healthcare Advocate will help guide the care of individuals and populations to make healthcare goals become a reality. The benefit of having your own Healthcare Advocate is that an Advocate will continue working with you and your company until resolution is found for your healthcare related challenges.
Where you can find Sarah Jane:
www.lighthousehealthcarenavigation.com
9 tips to help you negotiate a medical bill
Also mentioned in this episode:
Nicole Field, Somatic Stress Relief Practitioner
Interested in working with Jeannie? Schedule a 30-minute Coffee Talk here.
Connect with me on Instagram @joliverwellness and check out the options for my more affordable self-study programs here: https://www.joliverwellness.com/diy-programs
Music credit: Funk’d Up by Reaktor Productions
A Podcast Launch Bestie production
Transcripts
Hey there and welcome to
the nutrition edit podcast.
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I'm your host, Jeannie Oliver.
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00:00:04,446 --> 00:00:08,756
And today I'm going to be talking with
Sarah Jane Yang about medical advocacy.
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00:00:09,346 --> 00:00:12,676
Sarah Jane is a master's prepared
registered nurse and healthcare advocate.
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Her time at major urban academic medical
centers, such as Harborview in Seattle and
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00:00:17,236 --> 00:00:21,106
while Cornell medical center in New York
city shaped her early career with rich
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learning environments and her intensive
care specialization gave her advanced
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training in cardiothoracic resuscitation
and neurological emergencies.
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This scientific base has been a solid
foundation upon which to lay disease
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specific program management experience,
hospital quality leadership training, and
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strategic relationship building skills.
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During her 15 year career as an RN, Sarah
Jane has earned additional certification
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and honors, including a 2023 feature
in the Washington Post, a first author
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medical research publication in the
Journal of Stroke and Cerebrovascular
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Disease in 2019, And in 2018, she received
the Mary McClinton Patient Safety Award.
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00:00:58,745 --> 00:01:02,295
She has also earned the Stroke Certified
Registered Nurse Credential and
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the Critical Care RN Certification.
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Today, I'll be talking with Sarah Jane
about what medical advocacy is and how
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an advocate can help you navigate the
complex healthcare and insurance systems.
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Dealing with your own or a loved
one's health problems is difficult
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and stressful enough without having
to wade through the endless red tape
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and bureaucracy, but the good news
is you don't have to go it alone.
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And if you're in a caregiving
position or, you know, someone
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who is this episode is for you.
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So I hope you'll enjoy my
interview with Sarah Jane Yang.
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Hey, Sarah Jane.
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Thanks so much for joining me today.
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It's great to see you.
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Thanks.
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Yeah.
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I'm happy to be here.
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I'm stoked to have you.
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I've been wanting to chat about
what you do for a really long time.
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So let's just kick it off and
tell us a little bit about
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yourself and your background.
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Sure.
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So I am a health advocate.
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My background is actually
as a hospital nurse.
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So I spent 10 years As an intensive care
nurse, primarily with a little bit of
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work in the emergency room and surgery.
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And then I became, worked in
administration and I learned a lot about
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how the healthcare system works or, more
accurately to say, doesn't work very well.
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And in 2021, I started Lighthouse
Healthcare Navigation, which is the
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business that I run now and function
as a medical health advocate.
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Awesome.
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So what made you want to become
a nurse in the first place?
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I would say that some combination of
loving science, having deep natural
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empathy and being codependent is
probably what brought me to nursing
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and any of my nurses out there.
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I think you probably
know exactly what I mean.
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I believe it.
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I believe it.
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I can relate to the empathy piece.
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Yeah, for sure.
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For sure.
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Okay.
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So as an empath, I'm curious to know
more, especially about your four
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years in hospital administration.
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Oh yeah.
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Yeah.
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I think, I think, so my take on
hospital administration management, I
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guess you could say, but really what
I was doing was managing quality for
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specific types of patients, specifically
stroke patients, but then it expanded
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to other types of neurologic disease.
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So as an empath.
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I found my meaning by deciding that
I wasn't taking care of patients
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as much as I was taking care of
healthcare providers at that point.
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So I tried to use my time in that
role to support the people who
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were taking care of the patients.
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And that's how I was able to
really find meaning and try to.
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Find as much good as I can in the work
that we were doing and so my favorite
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thing to do in that role was to take an
individual patient story, say a stroke
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patient from when they had symptoms at
home, they come in through the emergency
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department, they end up having to go
to the cath lab, say, where they put
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a wire up inside and they try to do
something to actually remove the clot.
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So blood flow is restored to the brain all
the way to that patient being wheeled into
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the intensive care unit for three days and
then on to the acute care nursing unit.
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What I tried to do was weave that as a
complete story and deliver it back to
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the healthcare providers and show them,
look what a masterful thing happened
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here where there was actually, for
one patient in particular, I remember
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doing this and there was, I think there
was 56 different healthcare providers
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that touched this patient within
their first 72 hours in the hospital.
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Wow.
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And blood flow was restored
to that region of their brain.
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So it's like very exciting what
healthcare is capable of doing.
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that is an area where I would say
healthcare really gets it right.
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American typical hospital systems,
emergency care, restoring blood
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flow, making heart speed again,
breathing when you're not breathing.
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Yeah.
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These are things that we are
good at as healthcare providers.
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I would say after that, it gets pretty
dicey, unfortunately at that urgent
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level of healthcare and it's been really
gratifying as now, working privately
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for patients as a healthcare advocate.
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To try to make some of the other parts
of the system work as well as I have
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seen the emergency and intensive care
parts of American healthcare work.
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Yeah, that's fascinating.
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I definitely agree with that.
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We get the acute intervention piece.
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Yeah, I think we do a great job.
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Not so much the prevention or
necessarily the follow up and rehab.
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Oh, absolutely.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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It really drops off.
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And, and that has nothing to do, in
my opinion, with the quality of the
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individual health care providers.
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Sure.
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I feel incredibly protective of
individual physicians, nurses,
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therapists, social workers.
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The weight that they are operating under.
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Yeah.
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Is enormous.
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The amount of work that each
person gets squeezed out of them
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by primarily the financial forces
above them, it's remarkable.
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And crushing.
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It's crushing.
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It's absolutely crushing.
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And, and I think that all of us
get into health care because we.
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We genuinely enjoy watching
someone else get better.
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I mean, if you want to become famous
and wealthy, there's a hundred
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thousand easier ways to do it.
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Yeah.
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That don't require malpractice insurance.
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Or watching people suffer or all
the times you don't have answers
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and you wish you did, you know?
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Yeah, absolutely.
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So, I think that what is able to be
accomplished is actually remarkable.
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However, It's really important
for the individual patient to
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understand how weak the systems are.
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I'm sorry to say, and how much personal
advocacy is necessary for you to get
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your best results from healthcare.
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. So Sarah Jane, tell me then how do you
define medical advocacy and how did you
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make the transition from what you have
been doing in nursing into doing this?
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Yeah.
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So a professional health advocate is
a guide through the healthcare system.
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You think of it like a local person
keeping you safe and comfortable.
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on an international journey into
a country that can be amazing, but
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also you don't know it as well.
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There can be hidden dangers that you
aren't aware of because you're not local.
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So it's like taking a local with you.
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I translate the language because
believe me, it's a different language.
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I read the maps.
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I stay with you the whole time.
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I make sure you or your loved
one get to where they want to go.
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Another key difference between what
a healthcare advocate does and what
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say any of your doctors and nurses
do in your healthcare is my only
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concern are your priorities because
you're directly paid by the patient.
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, it's a totally, totally different
experience than having a nurse or a
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doctor who might wish very much that
they could hold your priorities in
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the highest esteem and hold your hand
through every step of the process.
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Right.
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The reality is they're dealing with forces
above them, and that is who they work for.
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They work for their clinic, they
work for their hospital, they
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don't work for you directly.
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It's very indirect, the
relationship with you.
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Yeah, that makes really good sense.
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It's almost like a political
system in that way.
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Yes, you could, yes, when
we're talking systems.
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The legislator may want to vote
exactly as their constituents wish,
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but there are lobbyists involved
and other powers that be, so.
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Yes, absolutely.
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There are.
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Definitely competing interests and
it matters who signs your check.
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It really does.
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Right.
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I've never had such a direct satisfaction
of taking care of clients and patients
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because it's, it's us together.
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And we're figuring it out step by step
while having wonderful relationships with
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any different specialists that needs to
be involved in you meeting your goals.
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I mean, they are, they are key.
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We are navigating what
they're able to provide us.
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It's not direct healthcare.
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So I would imagine too, that that's a
huge relief for the practitioner as well.
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Oh yeah.
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That they have someone that's
actually guiding their patient
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through and making sure that
their needs are met on all these.
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Angles are these different,
you know, aspects of this
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process that they can't manage.
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They don't have the bandwidth or ability.
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Um, but naturally I do think
that most physicians want
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the best for their patients.
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Right.
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And there's only so much that they can do.
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So having someone like you that's walking
them through the whole process is Amazing.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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The relationships that I have been able
to forge with physicians, entire clinics,
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nurses, medical assistants, patient
service representatives at the front end,
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therapists, I could go on and on and on.
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There's so many, there's so many different
ways that medical advocates are able to
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bridge the gaps in the healthcare system.
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And it builds this real sense of team
around the patient and it makes you
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memorable and it makes people kind of
root for you along with us because.
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They know they're supported in their
work and it makes them, I think,
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more likely to honestly say what they
really think because you want to offer
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a treatment if they think there's no
way it's going to be feasible because
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it won't ever happen because you
got to call the insurance company.
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It's a drug trial.
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It's, there's so many steps to it.
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Once I have a good relationship with
the physician, we start being able to
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really think creatively for some of these
really tough patients because they know
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that the follow through is there because
that's where my accountability lies.
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We'll get, we'll, we'll get the
ball over the line, whatever that
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goal is, however, I can affect it.
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We're going to affect it.
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And you have the knowledge and
medical background to understand.
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What's going on?
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I understand the health
aspects, but also the system.
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Yep.
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There's a short hand.
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Yeah, excuse me.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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There's a shorthand.
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So The physician and the nurses can
speak to me very plainly Mm hmm, and
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I'm also imagine I'm also managing a
lot of the emotional support piece And
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so from an efficient it sounds cold
But from an efficiency standpoint and
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oncologist can just talk to me, right?
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It'll it could be Truly a 45 second
conversation for that person.
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If they had been having that conversation
directly with the patient, it would
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have been much, much larger endeavor
because of all of the emotions involved.
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I also deeply understand
the emotional piece.
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So that's where I'm able to translate.
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So there's.
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Translation of what the actual
drugs mean, the receptors, the
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drugs act on the physiology.
225
00:12:31,603 --> 00:12:34,893
There's that translation and teaching
that I like to do for my clients, but
226
00:12:35,403 --> 00:12:37,163
there's also the emotional translation.
227
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:40,843
I know that oncologist has deep
feelings and wants their patient
228
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:43,243
to have the highest quality
of life and the longest life.
229
00:12:44,023 --> 00:12:44,823
They get to just...
230
00:12:45,813 --> 00:12:51,983
Download that information to me in a dry
manner, and then together, we can have
231
00:12:51,983 --> 00:12:54,453
a conversation with the patient that's
a lot more skilled because they know
232
00:12:54,453 --> 00:12:55,553
I'm going to handle that piece of it.
233
00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:56,333
Right.
234
00:12:56,343 --> 00:13:00,303
Versus the doctor trying to tiptoe
around and deliver something gently.
235
00:13:00,303 --> 00:13:00,523
That's.
236
00:13:01,253 --> 00:13:01,863
Not gentle.
237
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:05,883
Yeah, or thinking they're saying
something in an emotionally skilled
238
00:13:06,013 --> 00:13:11,393
way, but right god bless them They
are not emotionally skilled Sure.
239
00:13:11,603 --> 00:13:13,903
Yeah, so they're doing
their absolute best, right?
240
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:19,013
and so there's a lot of there's a
lot of gentle changes to phrasing and
241
00:13:19,013 --> 00:13:22,273
Gentle reminders of who the patient
is and who they're talking to that can
242
00:13:22,273 --> 00:13:26,283
occur that can completely change the
relationship I'm a physician and it's,
243
00:13:26,293 --> 00:13:29,333
that's the most satisfying thing to
me is that almost like mediation work.
244
00:13:29,333 --> 00:13:29,763
Yeah.
245
00:13:30,003 --> 00:13:30,243
Yeah.
246
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:30,993
That's beautiful.
247
00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:31,393
Yeah.
248
00:13:31,643 --> 00:13:37,103
So who are your typical clients or
who would benefit most from having a
249
00:13:37,103 --> 00:13:38,723
medical advocate or working with you?
250
00:13:39,263 --> 00:13:42,233
So I would say that
there's two main camps.
251
00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:44,043
One are people.
252
00:13:44,253 --> 00:13:46,943
That don't have life
and death health issues.
253
00:13:47,223 --> 00:13:51,893
They're, they're not say permanently
disabled from their condition or having
254
00:13:52,553 --> 00:13:54,063
a threat to the length of their life.
255
00:13:54,473 --> 00:14:00,643
However, their time and their
stress is worth having someone
256
00:14:00,643 --> 00:14:04,893
like me who can probably get things
done in a quarter of the time.
257
00:14:04,963 --> 00:14:07,233
That they would spend doing
it themselves personally.
258
00:14:07,463 --> 00:14:09,923
I'm probably going to do it
far more effectively because
259
00:14:09,923 --> 00:14:11,253
I already know the system.
260
00:14:11,683 --> 00:14:16,153
And so I'm, I'm a person on their
team, so they delegate health
261
00:14:16,153 --> 00:14:19,873
related administrative tasks
to me and I take care of it.
262
00:14:20,283 --> 00:14:25,313
And so they might just have some
pretty simple things to manage, but I'm
263
00:14:25,313 --> 00:14:26,783
able to take care of those for them.
264
00:14:27,263 --> 00:14:28,253
The other.
265
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:36,628
Group, I would say of clients that I take
are people for whom their health is the,
266
00:14:37,288 --> 00:14:43,228
the, the largest thing on their mind on
any given day for any number of reasons,
267
00:14:43,268 --> 00:14:46,678
perhaps for their quality of life, or
perhaps because they have a new terminal
268
00:14:46,678 --> 00:14:53,068
diagnosis that they're navigating and, for
those folks, I'm, I'm involved in their
269
00:14:53,098 --> 00:15:01,173
care, not just as a time saver, But as a,
say, diagnostic advocate so they've been
270
00:15:01,183 --> 00:15:04,853
given one diagnosis, they've been given
the treatment, but nothing's changing.
271
00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:05,793
Oh yeah.
272
00:15:06,063 --> 00:15:07,233
Symptoms are still there.
273
00:15:07,283 --> 00:15:08,793
The fatigue is crushing.
274
00:15:09,313 --> 00:15:15,093
The, the headaches absolutely will not
go away, continue to be unable to work.
275
00:15:15,323 --> 00:15:20,193
So the question becomes, do
we have the right diagnosis?
276
00:15:20,333 --> 00:15:24,403
Or if we have the right diagnosis, what's
the next step in the treatment plan?
277
00:15:24,703 --> 00:15:25,653
And sometimes the.
278
00:15:25,903 --> 00:15:29,983
The physician who originally, the
provider that originally diagnosed
279
00:15:29,983 --> 00:15:32,373
you, that, that, that was it.
280
00:15:32,383 --> 00:15:33,933
That's what they had to offer.
281
00:15:33,943 --> 00:15:37,873
And you might not realize that you,
it's time to move on at that point.
282
00:15:37,873 --> 00:15:40,143
You can go to somebody else or
go back to the first physician
283
00:15:40,143 --> 00:15:42,413
and have a conversation, but you
might realize that it's time to
284
00:15:42,413 --> 00:15:43,823
bring another specialist in here.
285
00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:48,080
Either, even within specialties, there's
subspecialties and then microspecialties.
286
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:48,450
Oh my gosh.
287
00:15:48,450 --> 00:15:49,510
Subspecialties, right?
288
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:49,920
Yeah.
289
00:15:49,970 --> 00:15:53,600
And so it takes research
to find the right fit.
290
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:59,123
And so in that way, we can navigate,
improving your diagnosis or improving
291
00:15:59,123 --> 00:16:01,833
your treatment for what does turn
out to be the correct diagnosis, but
292
00:16:01,833 --> 00:16:05,383
it's all worth questioning if you're
not getting the results that you
293
00:16:05,383 --> 00:16:06,860
should from your treatment, right?
294
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:07,310
And.
295
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:11,420
I would think it would be so difficult
as someone dealing with a chronic
296
00:16:11,430 --> 00:16:17,000
illness or terminal illness, just
to even muster the energy to go
297
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,960
there and to try and navigate that.
298
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:23,350
So doing that on your own or even having
a family member try and do it for you,
299
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:27,190
it would be completely overwhelming
and exhausting when you already have,
300
00:16:27,450 --> 00:16:28,970
you know, nothing left in the tank.
301
00:16:29,090 --> 00:16:29,820
Absolutely.
302
00:16:30,070 --> 00:16:33,513
What I'm hoping to do for people
is to let them be the patient
303
00:16:33,573 --> 00:16:36,090
again, instead of the scheduler.
304
00:16:36,630 --> 00:16:41,473
The medical researcher, the
insurance specialist, you
305
00:16:41,473 --> 00:16:42,993
could go on and on and on.
306
00:16:43,043 --> 00:16:48,843
But yeah, so when the client
or the say, the children of
307
00:16:48,873 --> 00:16:51,243
the aging parents that have.
308
00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:57,228
Hired me for their services, you guys let
me know the priority and then I will take
309
00:16:57,228 --> 00:16:58,768
care of all the logistics from there.
310
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:01,658
And I'll check back in with you
at whatever intervals you want.
311
00:17:01,668 --> 00:17:05,907
So some people are say minimum contact.
312
00:17:05,907 --> 00:17:08,858
Just let me know when we've achieved
the goal more than happy to do that.
313
00:17:08,858 --> 00:17:12,407
Some people want to have, you know,
every couple of days we check back
314
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:15,038
in and You We find out where we're
at in the process and they're kind
315
00:17:15,038 --> 00:17:16,688
of closer to steering the ship.
316
00:17:17,117 --> 00:17:18,188
But yeah, you can let me know.
317
00:17:18,198 --> 00:17:22,428
We want to, , have this diagnosis
reevaluated by another specialist.
318
00:17:22,688 --> 00:17:25,258
And then I'm going to come back to
you with a list of three physicians
319
00:17:25,258 --> 00:17:29,048
that can see you within the next
two months, say pulling, , pulling
320
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,978
that out of the air, but can see
you within the next two months.
321
00:17:32,523 --> 00:17:34,743
to take another look at your condition.
322
00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:37,983
Or maybe sometimes I get lucky
and I'm able to get a physician
323
00:17:37,983 --> 00:17:41,593
to review your case without even
having you sit in front of them.
324
00:17:41,743 --> 00:17:42,043
Yeah.
325
00:17:42,083 --> 00:17:47,233
And then get kind of a, an extremely
offhanded preliminary report of what
326
00:17:47,243 --> 00:17:50,353
might be happening just because of
the relationships I already have
327
00:17:50,363 --> 00:17:51,593
with so many different specialists.
328
00:17:51,903 --> 00:17:55,053
And then that can guide us before
we've even used your energy to
329
00:17:55,053 --> 00:17:57,253
show up at the doctor's office.
330
00:17:58,098 --> 00:18:00,548
And that's amazing because I'm
sure that most people wouldn't have
331
00:18:00,548 --> 00:18:02,158
access to those people necessarily.
332
00:18:02,418 --> 00:18:06,048
No, and although I will say you'd be
amazed what can happen if you ask.
333
00:18:06,162 --> 00:18:10,592
So even if you're not able to, or
you don't want to work with a medical
334
00:18:10,652 --> 00:18:12,682
advocate, it doesn't hurt to ask.
335
00:18:13,012 --> 00:18:16,367
I mean, , email addresses
are available online.
336
00:18:16,717 --> 00:18:16,957
Yeah.
337
00:18:17,057 --> 00:18:18,147
For people.
338
00:18:18,201 --> 00:18:22,380
So if you have something that you're
researching for yourself medically, some
339
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,833
interest that you have, find the study.
340
00:18:24,875 --> 00:18:30,542
On the internet and then go to the end of
the study and then find the email address
341
00:18:30,562 --> 00:18:32,152
of the people involved in the study.
342
00:18:32,162 --> 00:18:35,292
Usually the first author, second author,
third author tend to be the people
343
00:18:35,302 --> 00:18:39,742
that are going to be the most closely
involved with the theory behind the study.
344
00:18:39,842 --> 00:18:40,172
Right.
345
00:18:40,282 --> 00:18:41,892
Email them your story.
346
00:18:41,902 --> 00:18:42,652
See what happens.
347
00:18:42,662 --> 00:18:43,812
You'd be amazed.
348
00:18:43,967 --> 00:18:46,887
to actually what amount of information
you're able to get, because if
349
00:18:46,897 --> 00:18:52,307
your condition matches the clinical
interest of a very active researcher,
350
00:18:52,597 --> 00:18:55,617
you actually have something
valuable to provide them as well.
351
00:18:56,187 --> 00:18:56,867
Oh, that's really cool.
352
00:18:56,867 --> 00:18:57,707
I had no idea.
353
00:18:57,757 --> 00:18:58,877
That wouldn't have occurred to me.
354
00:18:58,977 --> 00:19:04,787
You could get, you could get some off the
cuff thoughts from some of the deepest
355
00:19:04,797 --> 00:19:07,943
thinkers in your specific condition.
356
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:11,017
Without any of the rigmarole
it's it has happened.
357
00:19:11,027 --> 00:19:13,647
It doesn't always happen, but it
has happened and it's amazing.
358
00:19:13,707 --> 00:19:14,837
Absolutely worth trying.
359
00:19:14,907 --> 00:19:15,207
Yeah.
360
00:19:15,307 --> 00:19:15,517
Yeah.
361
00:19:15,587 --> 00:19:16,287
Very cool.
362
00:19:16,397 --> 00:19:17,517
Yeah, that's a good one.
363
00:19:18,047 --> 00:19:21,247
I want to jump back a little
bit and talk about the emotional
364
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:23,517
aspect of this because I think.
365
00:19:23,588 --> 00:19:28,422
Knowing you and you being a very
empathic person, talk a little bit
366
00:19:28,652 --> 00:19:33,608
into that and the just the importance
of people caring for their mental and
367
00:19:33,608 --> 00:19:37,028
emotional health through this, whether
they're the patient or the caregiver.
368
00:19:37,768 --> 00:19:43,212
Um, and how that factors into what you're
doing with them in the advocacy role.
369
00:19:43,227 --> 00:19:44,127
Yeah, sure.
370
00:19:44,157 --> 00:19:48,587
Well, I feel like backing up and
telling my mom's story a little bit
371
00:19:48,607 --> 00:19:54,527
because she, I think, had a life
story that is very helpful to this
372
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,137
conversation and it Makes sense.
373
00:19:56,507 --> 00:20:02,050
Molded my initial outlook on
being a nurse, and then now
374
00:20:02,083 --> 00:20:04,593
informs the way I want to be here.
375
00:20:04,593 --> 00:20:08,900
And you know, the second act of my life
as I, as I get older and have my own
376
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:10,707
children and, move forward in life.
377
00:20:10,807 --> 00:20:14,817
, so my mother was my absolute role
model growing up and she was and
378
00:20:14,817 --> 00:20:17,717
continues to be the most giving person.
379
00:20:17,747 --> 00:20:19,087
, I've been in relationship with.
380
00:20:19,127 --> 00:20:24,080
It was, it was a level of selflessness
that embedded in me that that
381
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:26,050
is how you are a good person.
382
00:20:26,067 --> 00:20:30,947
first of all, she adopted three
children who had been ravaged
383
00:20:30,947 --> 00:20:32,277
by the foster care system.
384
00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:38,163
These are my three older siblings and
endured horrors before she adopted them.
385
00:20:38,213 --> 00:20:39,193
Adored them.
386
00:20:39,212 --> 00:20:39,992
Loved them.
387
00:20:39,992 --> 00:20:42,632
They're absolutely my family members.
388
00:20:42,652 --> 00:20:47,775
And when I was born into this family,
I immediately, like from birth, because
389
00:20:47,792 --> 00:20:52,322
somehow I was born after she didn't
have children for 20 years, no birth
390
00:20:52,322 --> 00:20:54,832
control, then at 40, all of a sudden
she had a child and that was me.
391
00:20:55,242 --> 00:21:00,332
And I had three older brothers and sisters
that had had an, an extremely different.
392
00:21:00,977 --> 00:21:02,837
Early childhood experience.
393
00:21:02,847 --> 00:21:08,287
So adopted at age six, adopted
at age five and adopted at nine
394
00:21:08,287 --> 00:21:11,377
months, but had already had three
different foster families at nine
395
00:21:11,377 --> 00:21:12,977
months, even heartbreaking coming in.
396
00:21:12,977 --> 00:21:13,297
Yeah.
397
00:21:13,297 --> 00:21:21,530
And so, I was born knowing that there are
extremely different life circumstances.
398
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:25,610
I didn't have to learn that
because my family taught me that.
399
00:21:26,050 --> 00:21:31,220
And I was born knowing you can make
an enormous difference in somebody's
400
00:21:31,220 --> 00:21:35,780
life by first of all, acknowledging
the experience that they're having.
401
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:38,740
And then by taking action.
402
00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:44,125
And so I am forever grateful for
being born into that experience
403
00:21:44,145 --> 00:21:48,722
and for knowing that in my bones
from always understanding where my
404
00:21:48,722 --> 00:21:50,742
blessings lie, where my privilege lies.
405
00:21:50,992 --> 00:21:54,999
The next part though,
was having to understand.
406
00:21:55,001 --> 00:21:57,231
where those boundaries lie.
407
00:21:57,481 --> 00:22:03,392
Because if you don't have skin
around your spirituality and your
408
00:22:03,392 --> 00:22:09,741
empathy, you pour yourself out in
such a way that is so inefficient.
409
00:22:09,941 --> 00:22:16,722
You can actually evaporate and I watched
my mother evaporate, essentially.
410
00:22:16,766 --> 00:22:21,936
I mean, I gave one example of within
my family, the kind of empathy and
411
00:22:21,936 --> 00:22:25,446
service that she needed to provide
emotionally for other people.
412
00:22:25,796 --> 00:22:28,056
She was also a third grade teacher.
413
00:22:28,241 --> 00:22:34,271
And, uh, any child in her class that
had looked like they had any financial
414
00:22:34,271 --> 00:22:38,651
issues that didn't look like they were
having their hygiene needs met at home.
415
00:22:38,697 --> 00:22:41,207
I mean, before you know it, my
mother was meeting all of those
416
00:22:41,237 --> 00:22:43,677
needs and it was, it was so.
417
00:22:44,752 --> 00:22:45,202
right?
418
00:22:45,592 --> 00:22:52,002
One example of that was a child that she
knew was probably enduring physical abuse.
419
00:22:52,072 --> 00:22:56,037
And this was a third grade child
that didn't know his own birthday,
420
00:22:56,073 --> 00:22:57,993
which was just wild, right?
421
00:22:58,163 --> 00:23:00,783
I don't actually know how you make it to
third grade without knowing your birthday.
422
00:23:00,783 --> 00:23:02,263
But this is what my mother told me.
423
00:23:02,333 --> 00:23:06,346
And what I saw her do for this kid who,
so this little boy loved Harry Potter.
424
00:23:06,376 --> 00:23:10,003
He learned to read in the third
grade with my mom and he learned
425
00:23:10,003 --> 00:23:11,457
to read because he loved it.
426
00:23:11,768 --> 00:23:15,748
The book Harry Potter so much and
he got more and more into the story
427
00:23:16,138 --> 00:23:22,768
and he lived in a poor part of
town where I grew up and my mother
428
00:23:22,794 --> 00:23:26,338
orchestrated fake owls to deliver.
429
00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:30,233
Letters to this kid's trailer.
430
00:23:30,393 --> 00:23:31,953
I mean, it sounds, it sounds made up.
431
00:23:31,953 --> 00:23:34,523
Like, it sounds like if this was
a movie plot, you'd throw it out
432
00:23:34,523 --> 00:23:35,883
because it's like two on the nose.
433
00:23:35,883 --> 00:23:36,143
Right.
434
00:23:36,193 --> 00:23:36,533
Yeah.
435
00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:41,743
But so she got my brother who was like
19 or something at the time to bring
436
00:23:41,743 --> 00:23:46,463
letters to the kid's front door and
say, an owl gave me this to give you
437
00:23:46,953 --> 00:23:52,843
an inside the letter was a description
of what a special, special boy he was
438
00:23:52,886 --> 00:24:01,246
.
And how there are greater things beyond the life that he lives and how if he holds
439
00:24:01,246 --> 00:24:05,986
on to his goodness, like he'll continue,
like this, this was one example of the
440
00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:07,316
kind of stuff my mother did amazing.
441
00:24:07,336 --> 00:24:09,156
By the way, she kept
this up for two years.
442
00:24:09,376 --> 00:24:12,806
Eventually this culminated into
a trip to target because she
443
00:24:12,806 --> 00:24:14,396
said that he won some contest.
444
00:24:15,251 --> 00:24:21,631
I assure you he did not win a contest, but
she created the reality she wished existed
445
00:24:21,641 --> 00:24:25,264
for this child and there are a lot of
things that can be true at the same time.
446
00:24:25,264 --> 00:24:29,364
So I don't begrudge, a single act of
goodness that she did for the world.
447
00:24:29,364 --> 00:24:31,454
And I couldn't even begin
to list all of them.
448
00:24:31,704 --> 00:24:33,184
The problem was.
449
00:24:33,217 --> 00:24:38,450
She had no skin for herself.
450
00:24:38,450 --> 00:24:39,290
. She's in heaven now.
451
00:24:39,290 --> 00:24:40,170
God bless you, mother.
452
00:24:40,410 --> 00:24:42,500
She had no sense of.
453
00:24:42,524 --> 00:24:45,864
What were her emotions and
experiences and what were other
454
00:24:45,864 --> 00:24:47,764
people's emotions and experiences?
455
00:24:48,024 --> 00:24:49,384
Yeah, it's just too
porous taking all that on.
456
00:24:50,064 --> 00:24:54,514
And I watched it happen and she
had no health habits to speak of.
457
00:24:55,034 --> 00:24:58,244
I mean, that's an exaggeration,
but self care was not an issue
458
00:24:58,264 --> 00:24:59,484
or another thing in her life.
459
00:24:59,554 --> 00:25:01,364
No, what she was going to feed herself.
460
00:25:01,739 --> 00:25:03,089
was 10th on the list.
461
00:25:03,329 --> 00:25:05,899
What exercise she was going to
give her body was 10th on the list.
462
00:25:05,899 --> 00:25:09,889
She had separated herself
from her body so long ago.
463
00:25:10,069 --> 00:25:10,349
Yeah.
464
00:25:10,409 --> 00:25:13,969
I don't think she had the possibility
of beginning to understand
465
00:25:14,459 --> 00:25:16,629
what her lived experience was.
466
00:25:16,829 --> 00:25:22,039
She lived through other people and
gravitated toward other people's
467
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:27,970
emotional voids because filling
them allowed her to experience that
468
00:25:27,970 --> 00:25:32,690
vicarious joy of their happiness for
that moment, reflecting back onto her.
469
00:25:33,030 --> 00:25:33,330
Okay.
470
00:25:33,374 --> 00:25:39,347
So that was my role model and I,
and I didn't come close to creating
471
00:25:39,347 --> 00:25:42,307
an imaginary world for an abused
eight year old boy for two years.
472
00:25:42,337 --> 00:25:42,537
Okay.
473
00:25:42,537 --> 00:25:47,147
Like that, I did not accomplish
that level of service that she did,
474
00:25:47,147 --> 00:25:48,807
but that was very much my mindset.
475
00:25:48,817 --> 00:25:52,257
And anytime there was a problem,
I felt the need to fill it.
476
00:25:52,697 --> 00:25:58,457
So when somebody needed money, regardless
of whether that money was going to go
477
00:25:58,457 --> 00:26:00,567
to feed a drug habit, I had to fill it.
478
00:26:01,147 --> 00:26:04,677
So, you know, if a family member
tells me they need 20 for gas and
479
00:26:04,677 --> 00:26:08,257
mayonnaise, but I'm pretty sure
that money is going to get used for.
480
00:26:08,289 --> 00:26:09,619
Not gas and mayonnaise.
481
00:26:09,649 --> 00:26:13,062
I'm still giving them the
20 because I don't have an
482
00:26:13,062 --> 00:26:14,622
experience separate from them.
483
00:26:14,692 --> 00:26:18,332
I am having their experience or
whatever they're projecting onto me.
484
00:26:18,332 --> 00:26:21,212
It It pours you out entirely.
485
00:26:21,332 --> 00:26:24,192
And then you don't even want to know
what's going on in your own body
486
00:26:24,192 --> 00:26:25,922
anymore, because it's too scary.
487
00:26:26,012 --> 00:26:29,603
.
So it can be a really powerful gift because I would say that like my
488
00:26:29,603 --> 00:26:34,373
mother, I have a natural understanding
of another person's emotional
489
00:26:34,378 --> 00:26:37,373
state without having to even speak.
490
00:26:37,643 --> 00:26:41,003
Not always, and it's not perfect,
but often a lot of nurses do.
491
00:26:41,093 --> 00:26:43,163
Yeah, a lot, a lot just
pick up on it automatically.
492
00:26:43,163 --> 00:26:44,213
A lot of nurses do.
493
00:26:44,273 --> 00:26:44,633
Yeah.
494
00:26:44,685 --> 00:26:50,255
The other side of that is I have to hold
on to my own because if I fall down into
495
00:26:50,255 --> 00:26:54,575
that emotional well with somebody, how,
then how are any of us going to get out?
496
00:26:54,785 --> 00:26:55,175
Right.
497
00:26:55,545 --> 00:26:55,805
Yeah.
498
00:26:56,005 --> 00:26:58,845
And yeah, and my, my
mother's life ended early.
499
00:26:58,885 --> 00:27:05,346
And I believe on a spiritual level that
it mostly had to do with her inability
500
00:27:05,346 --> 00:27:11,256
to be inside her own experience and
to allow other people to have the
501
00:27:11,256 --> 00:27:15,296
life that their soul, in my beliefs,
you know, chose for this incarnation.
502
00:27:15,306 --> 00:27:16,476
And so there's a real balance.
503
00:27:16,506 --> 00:27:20,126
I think one of my missions in life
and something that my business has
504
00:27:20,126 --> 00:27:24,756
allowed me to really explore is what
is that balance between service.
505
00:27:24,793 --> 00:27:28,916
And continuing to put fuel in your
own ship, which has to keep running
506
00:27:29,196 --> 00:27:32,056
, and , I'll always struggle with that
and I'll always be the person that
507
00:27:32,056 --> 00:27:34,426
enjoys filling somebody else's need.
508
00:27:34,446 --> 00:27:38,530
but I have learned now, as
I'm, you know, approaching 40,
509
00:27:38,970 --> 00:27:40,330
I think I'm sort of learning.
510
00:27:40,340 --> 00:27:42,193
I'm trying to learn, how
to do that sustainably.
511
00:27:42,230 --> 00:27:43,653
Yeah, I'm still learning that too.
512
00:27:43,653 --> 00:27:44,483
I can relate to that.
513
00:27:44,548 --> 00:27:48,371
I don't think it's, it goes as deep
with me as it does for you necessarily,
514
00:27:48,401 --> 00:27:52,911
but I definitely am an empath and
I've really in some cases had to learn
515
00:27:52,911 --> 00:27:59,575
the hard way of how to create healthy
boundaries, how to manage my energy.
516
00:27:59,601 --> 00:28:00,798
Output inputs.
517
00:28:00,821 --> 00:28:03,631
you know, I have a background
working in chronic illness and
518
00:28:03,631 --> 00:28:04,831
with Lyme disease patients.
519
00:28:04,871 --> 00:28:08,325
And when you're around that all the
time, it can be really difficult
520
00:28:08,335 --> 00:28:10,031
to not take all of that on.
521
00:28:10,271 --> 00:28:12,461
These people are dealing with constant.
522
00:28:12,475 --> 00:28:14,665
Chronic problems and
you're hearing about it.
523
00:28:14,665 --> 00:28:15,645
Yeah, 24 7.
524
00:28:15,655 --> 00:28:20,265
You really have to learn to create
that partition Between your work
525
00:28:20,265 --> 00:28:23,978
life and who you are in your
personal life and your own health.
526
00:28:24,041 --> 00:28:29,165
Yep you know something I've learned
about this is There's actually a
527
00:28:29,165 --> 00:28:34,485
bit of ego quite a bit of ego In
the person that feels personally
528
00:28:34,485 --> 00:28:36,495
responsible for everyone else's pain.
529
00:28:36,528 --> 00:28:41,958
What saves me the most from the
downsides of being an empath is
530
00:28:42,168 --> 00:28:44,815
the practice of humility, because.
531
00:28:44,843 --> 00:28:46,693
I didn't create the world.
532
00:28:46,773 --> 00:28:48,883
I didn't create illness.
533
00:28:49,073 --> 00:28:51,223
I didn't create pain.
534
00:28:51,253 --> 00:28:54,323
I didn't create joy with my clients.
535
00:28:54,343 --> 00:28:55,353
I have learned.
536
00:28:55,390 --> 00:29:01,116
I can no more take credit for their
wins and their health gains than
537
00:29:01,116 --> 00:29:03,186
I can take credit for their pain.
538
00:29:03,286 --> 00:29:04,552
It isn't about me.
539
00:29:04,556 --> 00:29:04,866
Yeah.
540
00:29:04,896 --> 00:29:05,356
Right.
541
00:29:05,506 --> 00:29:10,386
So when I remind Myself as I'm trying
to care for somebody else and, and, and
542
00:29:10,386 --> 00:29:13,946
it's not going the way I wish it would,
which happens all the time in life, right?
543
00:29:13,946 --> 00:29:17,656
And my loved ones, sometimes with my
clients, I try to think I'm helping
544
00:29:17,656 --> 00:29:20,086
my clients, but you know, sometimes
it doesn't go the way we want.
545
00:29:20,110 --> 00:29:26,370
when I'm able to remember my place
in the world and remember that I'm
546
00:29:26,370 --> 00:29:28,590
a pencil in the hand of some force.
547
00:29:28,620 --> 00:29:31,923
Far greater than me, I think, I
hope, I don't really know, but
548
00:29:31,923 --> 00:29:35,006
I think, I know for sure I'm not
God, that's what I know for sure.
549
00:29:35,026 --> 00:29:35,316
Yeah.
550
00:29:35,353 --> 00:29:39,156
So, we're all here to learn something
and we just try to make the next
551
00:29:39,156 --> 00:29:44,741
right decision on a daily basis
and , not self aggrandize beyond that.
552
00:29:44,765 --> 00:29:45,435
Absolutely.
553
00:29:45,445 --> 00:29:45,635
Yeah.
554
00:29:45,635 --> 00:29:48,795
That's a really beautiful way of,
of thinking about it and just a good
555
00:29:48,795 --> 00:29:53,358
perspective on like, yeah, there can be
this ego piece that can come in for sure.
556
00:29:53,498 --> 00:29:55,798
I think too, it's our
learned experience, right?
557
00:29:55,821 --> 00:29:57,461
How we were raised,
how we were brought up.
558
00:29:57,521 --> 00:30:00,311
If we were in a position, I
think this is my struggle.
559
00:30:00,311 --> 00:30:01,961
If we've been in a position where.
560
00:30:01,991 --> 00:30:06,375
We had to kind of hold things together
or be the responsible person or manage
561
00:30:06,375 --> 00:30:09,275
someone else's emotions, especially a
kid trying to manage adult emotions.
562
00:30:09,281 --> 00:30:14,271
You can really easily take on that sort
of inner belief, which is completely
563
00:30:14,271 --> 00:30:16,676
subconscious, that Oh, I'm responsible.
564
00:30:16,676 --> 00:30:19,756
And if they do something wrong, it's
because it was my fault or if something
565
00:30:19,826 --> 00:30:23,786
happens bad to them, it would be my
fault or I would somehow be responsible.
566
00:30:24,256 --> 00:30:27,960
So there's that fear based
origin of that, I think as well.
567
00:30:28,110 --> 00:30:28,490
Right.
568
00:30:28,513 --> 00:30:29,133
Absolutely.
569
00:30:29,133 --> 00:30:33,863
I think it's a tool that children
use because they are literally
570
00:30:33,863 --> 00:30:37,383
dependent on the, piece.
571
00:30:37,406 --> 00:30:38,816
of their environment.
572
00:30:38,850 --> 00:30:44,380
, it makes sense for a child to proactively
manage the emotions of people around
573
00:30:44,380 --> 00:30:47,490
them because they won't get food
unless somebody puts it on their table.
574
00:30:48,010 --> 00:30:48,240
Right?
575
00:30:48,510 --> 00:30:51,700
Yeah, like I'm thinking about
my, , family members that were in
576
00:30:51,710 --> 00:30:55,276
the foster care system that I mean,
unbelievable stuff, you know, having
577
00:30:55,276 --> 00:30:59,066
a schizophrenic mother and, Not having
reliable food access, things like that.
578
00:30:59,096 --> 00:31:01,616
There are things that we
build for ourselves that make
579
00:31:01,616 --> 00:31:02,546
sense when we're children.
580
00:31:02,546 --> 00:31:06,753
And then there's a practice that
I have to undergo for myself to,
581
00:31:06,773 --> 00:31:09,616
realize like you sweet child.
582
00:31:10,186 --> 00:31:10,986
Thank you.
583
00:31:11,026 --> 00:31:11,396
Yeah.
584
00:31:11,476 --> 00:31:13,546
You did such a good job.
585
00:31:13,636 --> 00:31:15,926
You did such a good job
because you needed that.
586
00:31:16,436 --> 00:31:18,936
And now we're all grown up and.
587
00:31:19,371 --> 00:31:20,651
We don't need that tool anymore.
588
00:31:20,661 --> 00:31:22,291
That was so relevant then.
589
00:31:22,341 --> 00:31:22,811
Yes.
590
00:31:22,881 --> 00:31:26,511
And now it's a part of the
Russian doll that I am.
591
00:31:26,538 --> 00:31:29,585
That's a smaller doll
and that's a memory now.
592
00:31:29,625 --> 00:31:31,365
And that pain is done.
593
00:31:31,465 --> 00:31:34,145
I don't have to re experience
that pain because I already
594
00:31:34,165 --> 00:31:35,535
did it and I did a great job.
595
00:31:35,568 --> 00:31:39,035
And now my bigger shell, my
almost 40 year old shell here.
596
00:31:39,081 --> 00:31:40,341
That's what's on the front.
597
00:31:40,371 --> 00:31:44,051
And I don't need those tools
anymore because I got my own job.
598
00:31:44,081 --> 00:31:45,461
I got my own house.
599
00:31:45,521 --> 00:31:47,381
I got my own responsibilities.
600
00:31:47,415 --> 00:31:48,725
I'm not taking on your shit.
601
00:31:48,750 --> 00:31:49,070
Yeah.
602
00:31:49,070 --> 00:31:50,070
I've got my own.
603
00:31:50,180 --> 00:31:50,760
I'm a grownup now.
604
00:31:50,986 --> 00:31:52,046
I've got my own stuff.
605
00:31:52,146 --> 00:31:55,666
So . That skill , can ride in
the back of the bus, not in
606
00:31:55,666 --> 00:31:56,786
the front of the bus anymore.
607
00:31:56,796 --> 00:31:58,176
Doesn't necessarily serve us.
608
00:31:58,236 --> 00:31:58,706
That's right.
609
00:31:58,886 --> 00:32:00,876
Cause 40 year old me is driving this bus.
610
00:32:00,916 --> 00:32:04,496
and doesn't that translate into
so many areas of our lives?
611
00:32:04,540 --> 00:32:08,785
So many, I mean, right now we're talking
about caring for other people, which is.
612
00:32:08,995 --> 00:32:12,025
What I do for a living and
what I know a lot of people are
613
00:32:12,025 --> 00:32:14,135
doing for their family members.
614
00:32:14,145 --> 00:32:18,525
There's a lot of people, , especially
women who are not only caring for their
615
00:32:18,555 --> 00:32:23,885
children, and trying to maintain careers,
but they then have aging parents or.
616
00:32:24,100 --> 00:32:27,270
You know, aging family
members or ill family members.
617
00:32:27,300 --> 00:32:30,860
And I'm going to say this wrong, but I
heard something about, it's like the
618
00:32:30,860 --> 00:32:32,470
sandwich generation or something.
619
00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:34,750
They're still responsible for
their children, but they're now
620
00:32:34,750 --> 00:32:35,730
responsible for their parents.
621
00:32:36,550 --> 00:32:38,280
, we're all getting punished
for not getting married and
622
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:39,560
having children at 20, I guess.
623
00:32:39,890 --> 00:32:41,210
I don't know, you did it at 20.
624
00:32:41,210 --> 00:32:44,140
Your mom would be 40 by the time
your kids graduating high school.
625
00:32:44,190 --> 00:32:46,300
And in just, you know,
a generation and a half.
626
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:49,360
My friends are often having kids at 40.
627
00:32:49,390 --> 00:32:53,490
I had my last kid at 35, so, , if
my parents were still with us, then I
628
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:58,443
absolutely would be contending with their
age related issues and my own children's.
629
00:32:58,590 --> 00:33:01,650
and, , I think something that
I tell my clients that find
630
00:33:01,650 --> 00:33:03,040
themselves in that situation.
631
00:33:03,050 --> 00:33:05,790
Well, I mean, first of all,
obviously I want people to
632
00:33:05,790 --> 00:33:07,150
know that you can hire help.
633
00:33:07,450 --> 00:33:07,820
Yeah.
634
00:33:07,870 --> 00:33:10,930
For so many more things than you
might not, than you might imagine.
635
00:33:10,940 --> 00:33:14,990
I mean, yes, you can hire someone to like
drive your mom to an appointment, but you
636
00:33:14,990 --> 00:33:20,660
can also hire someone, a medical advocate
to make the appointment to help decide
637
00:33:20,660 --> 00:33:24,620
what the right appointment is to begin
with, to organize the medical records.
638
00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:29,140
before the appointment to physically
attend the appointment with your
639
00:33:29,140 --> 00:33:34,680
mom to help your mother learn how
to use my chart and virtual visit
640
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:36,650
options, or just do it for her.
641
00:33:36,670 --> 00:33:39,780
If that's just not even
worth trying to do.
642
00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:41,880
So first of all, , you can hire help.
643
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:43,570
So it's good for people
to know it's out there.
644
00:33:43,870 --> 00:33:45,570
That's not an option for everybody though.
645
00:33:46,060 --> 00:33:49,180
And,, that's the hardest part
about the work that I do and.
646
00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:52,570
Is that I wish that I was
able to serve more people.
647
00:33:52,730 --> 00:33:58,760
, but the other thing to remember is that,
you know, what a C is an okay grade.
648
00:33:58,790 --> 00:34:01,020
You don't have to get an A in everything.
649
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:04,890
You don't have to get an A at
every single part of your life.
650
00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:08,100
My best friend . used
to say, C's get degrees.
651
00:34:08,156 --> 00:34:10,306
I was more or less an A student.
652
00:34:10,335 --> 00:34:12,985
She was more or less a C student.
653
00:34:13,056 --> 00:34:15,025
We'll paint in broad strokes here.
654
00:34:15,376 --> 00:34:15,835
And you know what?
655
00:34:16,186 --> 00:34:18,335
She's got a college degree
and I've got a college degree.
656
00:34:18,335 --> 00:34:18,516
Yeah.
657
00:34:18,815 --> 00:34:21,396
I was looking at her
transcripts anymore, right?
658
00:34:21,406 --> 00:34:22,466
Nobody cares.
659
00:34:22,690 --> 00:34:23,190
Nobody cares.
660
00:34:24,001 --> 00:34:28,141
Um, like I made myself
physically ill before exams.
661
00:34:28,301 --> 00:34:29,264
She did not.
662
00:34:29,833 --> 00:34:33,654
She was watching Sex and the City before
her exams just to totally date myself.
663
00:34:33,664 --> 00:34:34,074
Okay.
664
00:34:34,384 --> 00:34:38,083
She did not miss the finale of
Sex and the City when it aired in
665
00:34:38,083 --> 00:34:42,804
order to try to get an A instead
of an A minus on some biology test.
666
00:34:42,824 --> 00:34:44,833
Like, she had it right.
667
00:34:44,914 --> 00:34:49,054
And I think this applies to our
conversation because yeah, it would
668
00:34:49,054 --> 00:34:54,134
probably go better if These over
functioning women, I'm one of them,
669
00:34:54,563 --> 00:34:58,404
handled every single part of every
single thing to prevent any ounce of
670
00:34:58,404 --> 00:35:00,074
pain for all the people in their life.
671
00:35:00,184 --> 00:35:01,914
Yes, it probably would go better.
672
00:35:02,164 --> 00:35:02,804
Does it have to?
673
00:35:03,105 --> 00:35:04,271
first of all, it's not possible.
674
00:35:04,551 --> 00:35:08,721
Second of all, people deserve to
have their full life experience.
675
00:35:08,741 --> 00:35:11,861
You can try to pad their pain, but
their soul is here for a reason.
676
00:35:12,121 --> 00:35:12,341
Yeah.
677
00:35:12,481 --> 00:35:19,026
You can't be the, Pillow between them
and their experience all the time.
678
00:35:19,156 --> 00:35:19,536
Right.
679
00:35:20,006 --> 00:35:24,656
And if something gets done, but
it's a 75 percent instead of a
680
00:35:24,656 --> 00:35:27,306
95 percent that is damn good.
681
00:35:27,509 --> 00:35:29,039
Another day in the books.
682
00:35:29,039 --> 00:35:29,589
Check.
683
00:35:30,139 --> 00:35:31,189
Moving on.
684
00:35:31,479 --> 00:35:34,759
Like it does not, it really
doesn't have to be perfect.
685
00:35:34,789 --> 00:35:38,699
In fact, it can be very, very
imperfect and that's still okay.
686
00:35:38,829 --> 00:35:42,019
And you and I, in our work together,
we have talked about that sort of
687
00:35:42,029 --> 00:35:45,929
all or nothing mindset that people
fall into so easily that I'm either
688
00:35:46,199 --> 00:35:47,659
doing the thing a hundred percent.
689
00:35:47,659 --> 00:35:51,809
I'm all in or the wheels have fallen off
the bus and I'm completely off the rail.
690
00:35:51,829 --> 00:35:52,099
That's right.
691
00:35:52,099 --> 00:35:53,029
That's right.
692
00:35:53,209 --> 00:35:58,289
How has doing this work changed your
perspective on your own self care and
693
00:35:58,289 --> 00:36:02,599
health and how you take care of yourself
since that wasn't modeled for you?
694
00:36:03,269 --> 00:36:05,109
That, oh, that's such a great question.
695
00:36:05,109 --> 00:36:08,859
Cause just to, continue, honoring
and using my mother's life
696
00:36:08,859 --> 00:36:10,369
story as a warning, I suppose.
697
00:36:10,389 --> 00:36:11,139
God bless you, mom.
698
00:36:12,149 --> 00:36:16,959
So , she passed away and I
was left thinking that my
699
00:36:16,959 --> 00:36:18,709
destiny was to fill her shoes.
700
00:36:19,489 --> 00:36:25,909
And oh my God, when she passed away, did
I learn the amount of over functioning
701
00:36:26,089 --> 00:36:29,309
that she was in the middle of, because
she just passed away right in her sleep.
702
00:36:29,309 --> 00:36:31,089
She just, whoop, here
one day, gone the next.
703
00:36:31,149 --> 00:36:31,739
, it was horrifying.
704
00:36:31,739 --> 00:36:32,429
She was my best friend.
705
00:36:32,439 --> 00:36:34,099
, and, well, she was
everybody's best friend.
706
00:36:34,099 --> 00:36:37,549
. I mean, in my little world,
everything stopped that day.
707
00:36:37,619 --> 00:36:42,449
And it was just a void and grief and
all, all the things you can imagine.
708
00:36:42,469 --> 00:36:48,206
And then started a journey, so that
was at 23, I started a journey of
709
00:36:48,346 --> 00:36:52,166
figuring out, first of all, how to
fully function, because my mom did so
710
00:36:52,166 --> 00:36:58,966
many things for me too, of course, and
then how to maintain this legacy of
711
00:36:59,136 --> 00:37:04,313
service to other people, empathy, to
trying to right the wrongs of others.
712
00:37:04,356 --> 00:37:07,226
That we see around us to try
to acknowledge a privilege.
713
00:37:07,236 --> 00:37:10,626
She didn't have that terminology
because this was so long ago, , but
714
00:37:10,686 --> 00:37:16,936
she would have, , and how to
survive, because in my opinion, she.
715
00:37:17,306 --> 00:37:21,066
Knew that first part so well, but she
didn't know how to actually survive
716
00:37:21,126 --> 00:37:26,946
this life And so the way I have started
to paint how to survive this life was
717
00:37:27,316 --> 00:37:32,056
first of all from a whole lot of therapy
And what my therapist did with me was
718
00:37:32,136 --> 00:37:34,316
constantly redirect me to my body.
719
00:37:34,436 --> 00:37:39,746
Mm hmm over and over and over again
What I had a few therapists Not to brag,
720
00:37:39,746 --> 00:37:44,536
but I had a few therapists, and , I've
gone to, like, I have a PhD in personal
721
00:37:44,541 --> 00:37:50,346
therapy and , one therapist told me
they felt something that was gonna be
722
00:37:50,346 --> 00:37:51,876
really important for me and I think.
723
00:37:52,296 --> 00:37:56,986
probably important for other empaths
that function codependently like I
724
00:37:57,006 --> 00:38:04,339
did and have to work to not do today
is to reclaim your own intuition.
725
00:38:04,449 --> 00:38:09,879
So there's a divorcing that
happens in your gut feeling, right?
726
00:38:09,954 --> 00:38:13,864
If you feel bad in your body,
especially as a child, and there's
727
00:38:13,924 --> 00:38:18,574
nothing you can do to right the
situation, there's probably a good
728
00:38:18,574 --> 00:38:21,104
reason that you feel bad in your body.
729
00:38:21,104 --> 00:38:22,784
Your body actually talks to you.
730
00:38:22,984 --> 00:38:24,644
This sounded crazy to me, right?
731
00:38:24,644 --> 00:38:29,434
Like, I have a master's degree in
biology, like, I, this is, I was not,
732
00:38:29,434 --> 00:38:33,654
uh, I didn't believe you could speak to
your cells and they would, quote, speak
733
00:38:33,664 --> 00:38:35,294
back to you when I started this journey.
734
00:38:35,378 --> 00:38:36,548
However, I have learned.
735
00:38:36,618 --> 00:38:41,754
That you can, and that it will speak back
to you because when your body feels bad
736
00:38:41,784 --> 00:38:47,334
and there's nothing you can do to change
it as a adaptive method, as a survival
737
00:38:47,334 --> 00:38:50,394
method, especially children, you leave.
738
00:38:50,784 --> 00:38:52,504
Your body, you just leave.
739
00:38:52,581 --> 00:38:59,544
And if that pattern stays in place, like
it did for me for 25 years, when you
740
00:38:59,544 --> 00:39:04,864
first are being introduced to the idea
that no, you should be in your body.
741
00:39:04,864 --> 00:39:08,154
You don't even know that your
body has anything to say.
742
00:39:08,194 --> 00:39:10,104
You don't even know
what your feelings are.
743
00:39:10,134 --> 00:39:11,894
I would have panic attacks.
744
00:39:12,349 --> 00:39:14,129
With no discernible trigger.
745
00:39:14,899 --> 00:39:19,089
Panic attack as though I'm, you know,
watching someone die right in front of me.
746
00:39:19,089 --> 00:39:23,239
And I had no idea what initiated it.
747
00:39:23,949 --> 00:39:25,739
And, I mean, there were
some things to choose from.
748
00:39:25,909 --> 00:39:26,719
But I had no idea.
749
00:39:26,719 --> 00:39:27,929
The timeline had no...
750
00:39:28,349 --> 00:39:29,689
Bearing to my physical experience.
751
00:39:29,719 --> 00:39:34,879
And so what my therapist did over and
over and over again was say, describe
752
00:39:34,909 --> 00:39:36,799
the physical sensations inside your body.
753
00:39:37,299 --> 00:39:40,829
And it, I mean, it took a few years
and I would, and I'm like, what?
754
00:39:40,929 --> 00:39:43,749
And it felt so ridiculous
and it was so uncomfortable.
755
00:39:44,099 --> 00:39:48,159
And what I learned to do was, this
is what I, this is what I told my
756
00:39:48,159 --> 00:39:49,529
friend who just started therapy.
757
00:39:49,729 --> 00:39:51,389
I told her, you just got to squish in it.
758
00:39:52,964 --> 00:39:57,934
It's so uncomfortable, but you just gotta
like, it's like you're in wet shoes, you
759
00:39:57,934 --> 00:40:03,754
know, just wiggle your toes around and
just squish in it for a minute and say
760
00:40:03,754 --> 00:40:05,694
like, what is going on inside my body?
761
00:40:05,824 --> 00:40:08,094
And that was the first step.
762
00:40:08,834 --> 00:40:13,694
Toward that work seems so simple
and like silly and I didn't even
763
00:40:13,704 --> 00:40:16,534
know what I was doing But I started
to say like, well, I guess I feel
764
00:40:16,534 --> 00:40:20,484
tightness in the upper left side of
my chest But not like a heart attack.
765
00:40:20,484 --> 00:40:23,044
I mean, I'm not sick I mean, I don't
need attention like I don't need
766
00:40:23,184 --> 00:40:24,294
anything but you know, all these things.
767
00:40:24,294 --> 00:40:26,084
It's not a big deal Yeah,
it's not a big deal.
768
00:40:26,234 --> 00:40:27,974
And then eventually, you
know six months later.
769
00:40:27,974 --> 00:40:33,599
I'm saying like I think I see purple
Running in a line down my left arm,
770
00:40:33,689 --> 00:40:37,669
and that was a, that was an exercise
that eventually got me to the point
771
00:40:37,669 --> 00:40:41,839
where someone would say something to
me, and I would just know that the
772
00:40:41,839 --> 00:40:43,849
answer to what they were asking was no.
773
00:40:44,229 --> 00:40:46,074
It came from deep within me.
774
00:40:46,111 --> 00:40:51,431
Do you want to, um, stop by
and get this food before we
775
00:40:51,431 --> 00:40:53,181
go pick up our other friend?
776
00:40:53,651 --> 00:40:57,771
From deep within me, I would
say, no, I don't want to do that.
777
00:40:58,121 --> 00:41:01,851
I would really like to go get these people
picked up because I need to get to bed.
778
00:41:02,301 --> 00:41:02,581
Yeah.
779
00:41:02,761 --> 00:41:07,751
So To answer your question in a
very big way, that was the journey.
780
00:41:08,561 --> 00:41:09,711
That was the beginning step.
781
00:41:09,781 --> 00:41:12,821
That was the initial,
, direction of the ship.
782
00:41:13,201 --> 00:41:18,045
And then , it has blossomed
from there to being able to have
783
00:41:18,045 --> 00:41:22,255
employees, to fire employees kindly.
784
00:41:22,550 --> 00:41:22,880
Sure.
785
00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:24,310
Because that's who I am.
786
00:41:24,380 --> 00:41:25,130
I mean, that's a gift.
787
00:41:25,210 --> 00:41:28,190
I mean, I was born caring,
compassionate person.
788
00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:29,400
I was born caring deeply.
789
00:41:29,400 --> 00:41:31,580
I've learned that's not the
part I have to try to be.
790
00:41:32,170 --> 00:41:32,470
Right.
791
00:41:33,190 --> 00:41:33,730
I have to work on that.
792
00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:36,970
What I got to try to do is live
this life because if you're a highly
793
00:41:36,990 --> 00:41:38,860
sensitive person like I am, like, Okay.
794
00:41:39,190 --> 00:41:40,230
It's a jungle out there.
795
00:41:40,530 --> 00:41:40,890
Yeah.
796
00:41:41,830 --> 00:41:45,470
You got to live this life and you got
to survive this life and you're going to
797
00:41:45,620 --> 00:41:48,880
have all the answers and it's not going
to make perfect sense and you can't be
798
00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:51,100
the solution to every single problem.
799
00:41:51,350 --> 00:41:52,490
You won't survive.
800
00:41:52,490 --> 00:41:53,780
You actually won't survive.
801
00:41:53,846 --> 00:41:58,506
people with deep, almost crippling
empathy will, will understand everything
802
00:41:58,616 --> 00:42:01,580
that you and I are saying, Jeannie,
because, Yeah, you got to be able
803
00:42:01,580 --> 00:42:03,330
to keep taking another step forward.
804
00:42:03,376 --> 00:42:06,916
I think another term that we can use for,
maybe not exactly the same thing, but
805
00:42:06,936 --> 00:42:08,476
something similar, is people pleasing.
806
00:42:08,736 --> 00:42:09,286
Oh, for sure.
807
00:42:09,296 --> 00:42:12,746
You know, people that are, you
know, die hard people pleasers.
808
00:42:12,846 --> 00:42:19,061
I see so many people pleasers in
my practice, and it's no mystery.
809
00:42:19,201 --> 00:42:23,951
That I see them in their late
thirties, usually at the earliest
810
00:42:23,951 --> 00:42:28,171
to late forties, and they've been
people pleasing all their lives.
811
00:42:28,191 --> 00:42:31,418
And suddenly they reach a point
where they're like, I feel horrible.
812
00:42:31,458 --> 00:42:33,158
Now I've got my own health challenges.
813
00:42:33,748 --> 00:42:38,505
I've ignored my own needs for
decades with this idea that I would
814
00:42:38,515 --> 00:42:40,845
be happy and fulfilled and okay.
815
00:42:41,055 --> 00:42:43,418
If everyone else is happy
and fulfilled and okay.
816
00:42:43,788 --> 00:42:44,968
And actually it does not.
817
00:42:45,223 --> 00:42:45,863
Work like that.
818
00:42:46,153 --> 00:42:47,233
It just doesn't work like that.
819
00:42:47,303 --> 00:42:52,003
and you, you mentioned something earlier,
when we were talking that, , compassion
820
00:42:52,243 --> 00:42:54,043
and empathy are very different things.
821
00:42:54,053 --> 00:42:55,643
Yes, absolutely.
822
00:42:55,683 --> 00:42:57,023
And we can be compassionate.
823
00:42:57,063 --> 00:42:58,253
We can be kind.
824
00:42:58,253 --> 00:42:58,443
Yep.
825
00:42:58,693 --> 00:43:02,803
But we can also say this doesn't
work for me, or this does.
826
00:43:03,233 --> 00:43:08,500
And the piece about really getting
in touch with our bodies is so huge.
827
00:43:08,940 --> 00:43:13,250
Last season I had, or first season,
my first season, I had Nicole Field
828
00:43:13,620 --> 00:43:17,253
on one of the shows, and she does
somatic stress release therapy.
829
00:43:17,936 --> 00:43:19,456
That is such incredible work.
830
00:43:19,486 --> 00:43:21,796
And I've done this with
my own therapist too.
831
00:43:21,836 --> 00:43:24,776
And actually the therapist I see
now is the first person I've seen
832
00:43:24,776 --> 00:43:28,546
who does those somatic uses those
somatic modalities where you're
833
00:43:28,546 --> 00:43:30,216
really getting into your body.
834
00:43:30,666 --> 00:43:34,366
And, you know, I've mentioned the book
where, um, the body keeps the score.
835
00:43:34,526 --> 00:43:39,606
I've mentioned that in previous episodes
and it's so profound because we didn't
836
00:43:39,606 --> 00:43:40,716
really have a deep understanding.
837
00:43:40,716 --> 00:43:42,686
I don't think of that
until quite recently.
838
00:43:42,903 --> 00:43:43,423
And.
839
00:43:43,481 --> 00:43:48,341
it is really tough when you've sort
of disassociated from your body for so
840
00:43:48,381 --> 00:43:52,621
long to really get back in and go, okay,
where am I feeling this like emotion?
841
00:43:52,631 --> 00:43:54,381
Like, where is this living?
842
00:43:54,391 --> 00:43:57,861
If I'm talking about a certain
experience or person or something
843
00:43:58,341 --> 00:44:02,515
and I'm suddenly bursting into like,
where is that living in my physical
844
00:44:02,515 --> 00:44:04,905
body and trying to identify that?
845
00:44:04,905 --> 00:44:05,205
Yeah.
846
00:44:05,475 --> 00:44:11,605
And then release it, you know, um, it
is not easy, especially for those of us
847
00:44:11,605 --> 00:44:13,505
who tend to really be up in our heads.
848
00:44:13,605 --> 00:44:14,605
But once.
849
00:44:14,633 --> 00:44:16,653
I was able to start practicing that more.
850
00:44:16,683 --> 00:44:17,653
It does get easier.
851
00:44:17,703 --> 00:44:18,073
Yes.
852
00:44:18,093 --> 00:44:21,673
So those of you who haven't done that
and want to, yeah, it's just sticky
853
00:44:21,673 --> 00:44:23,573
and uncomfortable at first and squishy.
854
00:44:23,643 --> 00:44:24,133
You got it.
855
00:44:24,133 --> 00:44:24,823
Yeah.
856
00:44:24,823 --> 00:44:25,013
Yeah.
857
00:44:25,043 --> 00:44:28,403
But it gets easier and man, it's
amazing because it gets quicker.
858
00:44:28,701 --> 00:44:33,258
able to identify that much more
rapidly and readily and say,
859
00:44:33,318 --> 00:44:34,738
no, that doesn't work for me.
860
00:44:34,908 --> 00:44:35,198
Yep.
861
00:44:35,618 --> 00:44:36,448
Here's an alternative.
862
00:44:36,508 --> 00:44:37,128
Absolutely.
863
00:44:37,228 --> 00:44:40,928
, and often I find too, when we're
really true to ourselves, if something
864
00:44:40,928 --> 00:44:44,068
doesn't work for us, it often doesn't
work for everybody else either.
865
00:44:44,588 --> 00:44:47,208
Especially people that
are highly empathetic.
866
00:44:48,588 --> 00:44:51,988
Sometimes you're picking up on something
that's much bigger than you too.
867
00:44:51,998 --> 00:44:52,658
That's a good point.
868
00:44:52,788 --> 00:44:56,198
And , I think people that are very
empathetic, people pleasing, I
869
00:44:56,198 --> 00:45:00,348
think they can be wonderful leaders
actually, because they come at it.
870
00:45:00,348 --> 00:45:04,298
So yes, I'm just, I'm just absolutely
underlining everything you're saying.
871
00:45:04,358 --> 00:45:08,788
I, I want people to know that if,
if you're, if you found yourself
872
00:45:08,788 --> 00:45:13,308
in a situation like I did,
you can experience direct joy.
873
00:45:13,461 --> 00:45:20,278
you aren't, relegated to only experience
vicarious joy from creating some temporary
874
00:45:20,278 --> 00:45:22,868
peace in the people around you, you know?
875
00:45:22,988 --> 00:45:27,638
And Oh, I had to go back Oh, the
thera Oh, the therapy genies.
876
00:45:27,738 --> 00:45:29,678
, I was in the therapy, okay?
877
00:45:30,168 --> 00:45:36,325
, and another therapist had me go back
to, remembering my earliest memories
878
00:45:36,345 --> 00:45:42,495
of direct joy, because anytime I
described happiness, it was very
879
00:45:42,495 --> 00:45:44,625
social and relational and that's me.
880
00:45:44,625 --> 00:45:44,945
And that's.
881
00:45:45,085 --> 00:45:45,515
Good.
882
00:45:45,775 --> 00:45:49,685
But it was because I had accomplished
something else for someone else.
883
00:45:49,735 --> 00:45:51,585
My mom talked about some
of her happiest moments.
884
00:45:51,605 --> 00:45:56,485
It would be seeing that child's
face who received a letter from an
885
00:45:56,515 --> 00:45:58,775
owl from the Harry Potter universe.
886
00:45:59,075 --> 00:46:01,105
That was her happiest memory.
887
00:46:01,325 --> 00:46:02,495
And that is beautiful.
888
00:46:03,405 --> 00:46:04,845
But that's not actually hers.
889
00:46:05,995 --> 00:46:11,065
Like, what, what direct joy did
you experience in your body?
890
00:46:11,115 --> 00:46:14,875
Like, what sunlight did you
feel on your own face, right?
891
00:46:15,415 --> 00:46:17,435
And that was just so interesting.
892
00:46:17,505 --> 00:46:21,375
And so interestingly, some of
the only direct joy memories I
893
00:46:21,375 --> 00:46:23,185
could remember, it was all food.
894
00:46:23,485 --> 00:46:24,015
Yeah.
895
00:46:24,055 --> 00:46:25,375
Isn't that interesting?
896
00:46:25,395 --> 00:46:26,125
Absolutely.
897
00:46:26,135 --> 00:46:27,155
Isn't that interesting, right?
898
00:46:27,185 --> 00:46:28,015
Absolutely.
899
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:29,920
Yeah, we're not alone in that.
900
00:46:31,730 --> 00:46:38,010
It is so common because honestly, we
live in this society that says women
901
00:46:38,010 --> 00:46:39,640
should be everything to everyone.
902
00:46:40,300 --> 00:46:41,430
They should be high performing.
903
00:46:41,460 --> 00:46:41,810
That's right.
904
00:46:42,470 --> 00:46:43,130
All the things.
905
00:46:43,200 --> 00:46:43,550
That's right.
906
00:46:43,570 --> 00:46:44,700
A hot mother, Teresa.
907
00:46:44,710 --> 00:46:45,130
Oh yeah.
908
00:46:45,180 --> 00:46:45,510
There you go.
909
00:46:45,810 --> 00:46:48,480
All the things I've talked
about ad nauseum on this show.
910
00:46:49,090 --> 00:46:50,940
And then I talk about with
my clients constantly, but
911
00:46:51,030 --> 00:46:52,140
you know, we can't do that.
912
00:46:52,170 --> 00:46:58,855
And we've Sort of taken on this idea
that it's not okay to have our own dreams
913
00:46:58,855 --> 00:47:03,695
desires and personal joys like it's
like if you're not kind of constant
914
00:47:03,695 --> 00:47:10,715
sacrifice or You know if something is
just beneficial to you, right or it's not
915
00:47:10,715 --> 00:47:13,215
okay to want to make good money, right?
916
00:47:13,215 --> 00:47:13,815
You know, right.
917
00:47:14,245 --> 00:47:14,915
It's not okay.
918
00:47:14,915 --> 00:47:19,027
I mean like there's just this Negative
stigma that I don't see existing for men.
919
00:47:19,083 --> 00:47:19,413
Yeah.
920
00:47:19,423 --> 00:47:23,403
I think their journey , is
a totally different place.
921
00:47:23,413 --> 00:47:24,453
It is for me anyway.
922
00:47:24,453 --> 00:47:29,793
I identify so strongly with a lot
of classically feminine experiences.
923
00:47:29,853 --> 00:47:32,553
, it is so interesting, not that
men, of course they have their
924
00:47:32,553 --> 00:47:34,153
own challenges, of course.
925
00:47:34,183 --> 00:47:39,603
But I just think that it's, they,
that's not one, common, I think,
926
00:47:39,603 --> 00:47:41,393
challenge or expectation that I see.
927
00:47:41,663 --> 00:47:41,863
Yeah.
928
00:47:42,043 --> 00:47:42,473
Yeah.
929
00:47:43,053 --> 00:47:45,693
If I'm going to pretend to be
an anthropologist, which I am
930
00:47:45,693 --> 00:47:51,207
not, I think it's interesting
that for a hundred thousand years.
931
00:47:51,255 --> 00:47:57,345
Women's physical survival depended upon
endearing oneself to those who were
932
00:47:57,365 --> 00:47:59,175
larger and more physically capable.
933
00:48:00,055 --> 00:48:00,345
Right?
934
00:48:00,345 --> 00:48:05,552
I mean, the child skills,, it's
really, they weren't going to get
935
00:48:05,612 --> 00:48:09,482
food unless the people who did the
hunting and were physically capable
936
00:48:10,272 --> 00:48:14,062
Killing a baboon or whatever,
brought it back and gave it to them.
937
00:48:14,982 --> 00:48:22,635
So what we're trying to do in this
generation is, I mean, I have a
938
00:48:22,635 --> 00:48:25,885
lot , of respect for how human
beings have gotten to this point.
939
00:48:26,405 --> 00:48:29,995
You know, and I don't, I don't know that
it helps me anyway to think, to label
940
00:48:30,005 --> 00:48:33,855
things as good or bad that live within me
because I think they live within my cells.
941
00:48:33,865 --> 00:48:35,405
Like they live within my DNA.
942
00:48:35,615 --> 00:48:39,545
My DNA somehow made it to 2023.
943
00:48:40,065 --> 00:48:40,825
God bless it.
944
00:48:41,535 --> 00:48:42,525
That's my freaking journey.
945
00:48:43,035 --> 00:48:47,045
This body, which I think of as
like a gorilla, the sweet gorilla
946
00:48:47,315 --> 00:48:48,755
that my soul drives around.
947
00:48:49,210 --> 00:48:54,840
Like, , our brains have gone to this whole
other non physical place in modern life.
948
00:48:55,090 --> 00:49:00,620
But I'm still driving around essentially
like a, you know, like a Model T Ford,
949
00:49:00,630 --> 00:49:03,200
like a little gorilla, evolutionarily.
950
00:49:03,475 --> 00:49:08,705
And what's inside my cells was very,
very important for a far longer
951
00:49:08,705 --> 00:49:13,205
period of time than, than the decades
of this technological age, right?
952
00:49:13,205 --> 00:49:16,755
Like I don't, I don't need,
generally speaking, I don't need
953
00:49:16,755 --> 00:49:22,795
my husband to, protect me from
being, physically hurt in general.
954
00:49:23,115 --> 00:49:23,475
Right.
955
00:49:23,605 --> 00:49:24,175
In general.
956
00:49:24,425 --> 00:49:25,425
I'll speak for my own life.
957
00:49:25,445 --> 00:49:28,175
I don't, I have not had that
issue come up in my own life.
958
00:49:28,205 --> 00:49:33,390
And yet my cells, I want to, I want
to endear myself to him because I
959
00:49:33,420 --> 00:49:35,280
believe somehow that will happen.
960
00:49:35,370 --> 00:49:37,710
Well, it's just our
evolutionary prerogative, right?
961
00:49:38,530 --> 00:49:43,043
And that brings me back to, you know, the
whole piece with the food, because we're
962
00:49:43,043 --> 00:49:44,993
so stretched thin, we're so exhausted.
963
00:49:45,293 --> 00:49:47,923
And this is another thing I've
talked about multiple times, but I
964
00:49:47,943 --> 00:49:49,673
don't think it can be overstated.
965
00:49:50,513 --> 00:49:52,213
Of course we're finding joy.
966
00:49:53,023 --> 00:49:56,253
Food is naturally going to be a
source of joy and that's built into us
967
00:49:56,273 --> 00:49:59,773
because that motivates us to eat food
because we will stay alive and survive.
968
00:49:59,933 --> 00:50:00,233
That's right.
969
00:50:00,713 --> 00:50:05,233
And when we don't have many
sources of joy in our life and
970
00:50:05,233 --> 00:50:07,483
fulfillment, that's truly ours.
971
00:50:07,483 --> 00:50:07,563
Yeah.
972
00:50:08,293 --> 00:50:10,813
That moment that we sit down
with the tub of ice cream.
973
00:50:10,833 --> 00:50:11,043
Right.
974
00:50:11,173 --> 00:50:11,453
Right.
975
00:50:11,493 --> 00:50:12,393
That may be it.
976
00:50:12,723 --> 00:50:12,973
Right.
977
00:50:12,983 --> 00:50:17,853
So why wouldn't you, why wouldn't your
brain say, give me the fucking ice cream?
978
00:50:17,863 --> 00:50:19,393
The Kraft macaroni and
cheese, if you're meaning.
979
00:50:19,403 --> 00:50:20,253
Exactly.
980
00:50:20,443 --> 00:50:23,183
Whatever that might, yeah,
or the bag of salty chips.
981
00:50:23,183 --> 00:50:23,793
That's great.
982
00:50:24,053 --> 00:50:27,383
I mean, whatever it is that's going
to give you that dopamine hit,
983
00:50:27,383 --> 00:50:32,893
that feeling of like momentary
happiness, joy, fulfillment, whatever.
984
00:50:32,913 --> 00:50:33,773
Like aren't I good?
985
00:50:34,213 --> 00:50:35,013
Yeah, right.
986
00:50:35,693 --> 00:50:40,283
My, my best friend, God bless her,
ended up with gestational diabetes
987
00:50:40,333 --> 00:50:45,693
and she had to give up sugar and
she is the most straight arrow.
988
00:50:46,103 --> 00:50:48,223
Like she's never done a
thing wrong in her life.
989
00:50:48,593 --> 00:50:50,063
I'm not the same, but this is her.
990
00:50:50,073 --> 00:50:51,513
She's never done a
thing wrong in her life.
991
00:50:51,513 --> 00:50:52,503
I'm telling you, she's just.
992
00:50:53,113 --> 00:50:56,273
You know, she took her contacts out
every night, she washed her face at 8.
993
00:50:56,273 --> 00:50:58,973
30pm, she took her birth control
at 9pm every single night, like,
994
00:50:59,223 --> 00:51:02,003
she'd have half of one drink
and then drive everybody home.
995
00:51:02,003 --> 00:51:04,293
I mean, she's just a good girl, period.
996
00:51:04,783 --> 00:51:11,613
And, dairy Queen soft serve ice
cream is what she, it's her thing.
997
00:51:12,153 --> 00:51:16,573
And then she ended up with gestational
diabetes in pregnancy and I remember
998
00:51:16,583 --> 00:51:17,973
talking to her and she was...
999
00:51:18,418 --> 00:51:19,318
Sobbing.
1000
00:51:19,958 --> 00:51:22,148
And, it's so exactly this conversation.
1001
00:51:22,168 --> 00:51:23,093
Cause she said like.
1002
00:51:23,703 --> 00:51:25,183
It's my one thing.
1003
00:51:25,393 --> 00:51:27,143
Like, aren't I good?
1004
00:51:27,473 --> 00:51:28,623
Like, aren't I good?
1005
00:51:28,663 --> 00:51:33,043
Don't I, you know, and serve the one thing
and I couldn't, I mean, I didn't have
1006
00:51:33,043 --> 00:51:37,723
any answers and that idea of deserving
and I want to, I think that really.
1007
00:51:38,478 --> 00:51:43,188
It ties into the work that you do,
because I think as people who do love
1008
00:51:43,958 --> 00:51:48,023
whoever we're caregiving for, you
know, , you deserve to have help.
1009
00:51:48,063 --> 00:51:54,287
You deserve to have your own life
in the context of someone else, be
1010
00:51:54,287 --> 00:51:59,567
it your parent or child or whoever
loved one that's dealing with.
1011
00:51:59,657 --> 00:52:00,813
Health problems.
1012
00:52:00,933 --> 00:52:04,233
Yeah, and I think we often don't feel
like we deserve to have the help.
1013
00:52:04,793 --> 00:52:09,537
Oh, we feel guilty for wanting help
sure, and That we've got we've got
1014
00:52:09,537 --> 00:52:13,927
to release that we have to understand
like we are deserving of that joy.
1015
00:52:13,927 --> 00:52:19,117
Yeah Self care and rest
like true real rest.
1016
00:52:19,197 --> 00:52:19,677
Oh, yeah.
1017
00:52:19,977 --> 00:52:20,517
Oh, yeah.
1018
00:52:20,927 --> 00:52:21,847
I have a client right now.
1019
00:52:21,847 --> 00:52:28,317
You're making me think of that the
daughter Actually hired me to help her
1020
00:52:28,367 --> 00:52:34,387
dad take care of her brother Hmm if
you're still with me, but so I get a front
1021
00:52:34,387 --> 00:52:39,167
row seat to some of the most Beautiful
gifts that families give each other.
1022
00:52:39,507 --> 00:52:41,697
And sometimes I am that gift.
1023
00:52:42,777 --> 00:52:46,877
So the daughter, , found
me online and hired me.
1024
00:52:46,927 --> 00:52:50,657
And the dad at first, she said,
, this might be, my dad has agreed
1025
00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:53,137
reluctantly to have your services.
1026
00:52:53,147 --> 00:52:56,657
But she told me, I want you to keep
in mind that this is a huge source
1027
00:52:56,657 --> 00:53:01,417
of self esteem for my dad, that he
takes care of my brother who has
1028
00:53:01,417 --> 00:53:02,557
all these chronic health issues.
1029
00:53:02,590 --> 00:53:04,190
And I appreciated that.
1030
00:53:04,190 --> 00:53:04,350
Next.
1031
00:53:05,800 --> 00:53:13,176
and over time I've partnered with her dad
and , I am his boots on the ground and he
1032
00:53:13,186 --> 00:53:18,246
is in charge and he is still taking care
of his son because I don't know his son.
1033
00:53:18,256 --> 00:53:23,546
The relationship is between them, but the
greatest compliment my business can get
1034
00:53:23,756 --> 00:53:30,300
and that we received was that He told me
that he feels like his son's dad again.
1035
00:53:30,550 --> 00:53:31,100
Oh, yeah.
1036
00:53:31,310 --> 00:53:32,480
I just got , the head tingles.
1037
00:53:32,540 --> 00:53:37,180
It was so sweet because , he said, I
forgot what it felt like to be his dad
1038
00:53:37,220 --> 00:53:41,740
because he was physically cleaning him
up after having bathroom accidents.
1039
00:53:41,750 --> 00:53:43,320
I mean, he was all these things, right?
1040
00:53:43,320 --> 00:53:46,460
And so now we have these systems in
place and we do things and he knows what
1041
00:53:46,460 --> 00:53:48,010
things he can just send to Sarah Jane.
1042
00:53:48,570 --> 00:53:51,030
Because his job is to be his son's dad.
1043
00:53:51,090 --> 00:53:51,390
Yeah.
1044
00:53:51,430 --> 00:53:51,760
That's it.
1045
00:53:51,790 --> 00:53:54,730
That's his job, and we go to
the appointments together, but
1046
00:53:54,730 --> 00:53:57,660
he just gets to show up to the
appointment to support his son.
1047
00:53:58,100 --> 00:54:00,110
I'm, I've got the agenda.
1048
00:54:00,510 --> 00:54:03,920
I made sure that doctor
read his records before.
1049
00:54:04,280 --> 00:54:07,570
The appointment, I made sure that
his dignity was protected when he
1050
00:54:07,570 --> 00:54:11,040
needed a rectal exam, you know, like
I was like, Nope, we leave now, you
1051
00:54:11,040 --> 00:54:13,220
know, so he just got to be his dad.
1052
00:54:13,520 --> 00:54:15,280
And, , I love doing that for people.
1053
00:54:16,150 --> 00:54:16,470
Yeah.
1054
00:54:16,470 --> 00:54:17,310
That's incredible.
1055
00:54:17,440 --> 00:54:18,460
That really is a gift.
1056
00:54:18,540 --> 00:54:18,890
Yeah.
1057
00:54:19,250 --> 00:54:19,330
Yeah.
1058
00:54:19,330 --> 00:54:21,340
It really is a gift because
that relationship would shift.
1059
00:54:21,410 --> 00:54:27,470
So, so much when you're now the full
time caregiver and, oh gosh, you know.
1060
00:54:27,840 --> 00:54:28,310
Oh yeah.
1061
00:54:28,450 --> 00:54:31,000
And then, and then you start to
feel, I heard a quote that I really
1062
00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:34,990
liked that said, choose guilt
over resentment every single time.
1063
00:54:35,080 --> 00:54:36,190
Oh, I like that.
1064
00:54:36,400 --> 00:54:41,185
It's so bold that , the codependent
inside me was like, You know, when I
1065
00:54:41,185 --> 00:54:48,605
first heard that, but resentment is the,
the leading emotion that, um, uh, is
1066
00:54:48,605 --> 00:54:50,555
recognized in research about divorce.
1067
00:54:50,605 --> 00:54:55,148
For example, when you just
like , you think of them and.
1068
00:54:55,668 --> 00:54:59,388
You're leading emotion is
everything I've done for you.
1069
00:55:01,268 --> 00:55:01,298
Right.
1070
00:55:01,408 --> 00:55:01,888
Yeah.
1071
00:55:01,958 --> 00:55:04,758
And so , this kind of bold
idea, choose guilt over
1072
00:55:04,758 --> 00:55:06,088
resentment, whatever that means.
1073
00:55:06,098 --> 00:55:06,908
Every once in a while.
1074
00:55:07,308 --> 00:55:11,388
I remember that if I want to take an
extra 30 minutes before I come home
1075
00:55:11,388 --> 00:55:14,431
to the kids or whatever, because they
don't want me to feel resentful to them.
1076
00:55:14,431 --> 00:55:14,651
Right.
1077
00:55:14,691 --> 00:55:15,761
So where I can.
1078
00:55:15,951 --> 00:55:16,291
Yeah.
1079
00:55:16,341 --> 00:55:16,691
Yeah.
1080
00:55:17,011 --> 00:55:17,371
Yeah.
1081
00:55:17,911 --> 00:55:20,631
So how has that changed for you as far as.
1082
00:55:21,691 --> 00:55:29,051
The way that you practice self care now
and sort of protect your own energy now
1083
00:55:29,061 --> 00:55:31,771
in this current, place in your life.
1084
00:55:31,821 --> 00:55:32,241
Yeah.
1085
00:55:32,401 --> 00:55:36,541
Comparatively to when you were
working within the medical system.
1086
00:55:36,711 --> 00:55:37,011
Yes.
1087
00:55:37,021 --> 00:55:37,891
Like in it.
1088
00:55:38,091 --> 00:55:38,651
Yes.
1089
00:55:39,441 --> 00:55:41,621
around and outside of it or with it.
1090
00:55:42,201 --> 00:55:42,721
Yes.
1091
00:55:42,771 --> 00:55:44,151
Well, gosh.
1092
00:55:44,921 --> 00:55:51,841
So another therapist gave me this
wonderful practice where, , I have rocks
1093
00:55:52,051 --> 00:55:59,241
that represent each of my clients and And
there I have kind of, , practices like
1094
00:55:59,241 --> 00:56:01,181
little spiritual traditions that I do.
1095
00:56:01,211 --> 00:56:04,161
And so when there's, they have
these, I sound crazy, but I have
1096
00:56:04,211 --> 00:56:08,041
these little rocks and I know their
names and they're my client's names.
1097
00:56:08,261 --> 00:56:11,661
Or they could also be, , there's
a rock for my child.
1098
00:56:11,661 --> 00:56:14,991
There's a rock for my husband, like
they're actual rocks that I found.
1099
00:56:15,001 --> 00:56:16,591
I live in West Seattle,
like out on the beach.
1100
00:56:16,591 --> 00:56:16,841
Right.
1101
00:56:17,311 --> 00:56:18,091
And.
1102
00:56:18,406 --> 00:56:23,366
And when I am looping about something,
when I'm worrying about something, when
1103
00:56:23,366 --> 00:56:27,426
I want to do more and more and more,
but my body, I know my body is tired.
1104
00:56:27,436 --> 00:56:28,666
I know my brain is just.
1105
00:56:28,896 --> 00:56:34,916
Zinging, then I pick up their rock
and I will hold it in my hand.
1106
00:56:35,246 --> 00:56:37,986
And , I have a little vase
that I got at Goodwill.
1107
00:56:38,366 --> 00:56:41,776
, that is who I give to
God, what I call God.
1108
00:56:41,896 --> 00:56:42,266
Right.
1109
00:56:42,406 --> 00:56:45,116
And, and I hold it in
my hand and I, and I.
1110
00:56:45,486 --> 00:56:50,106
I, I find my higher self,
like that deep, endless amount
1111
00:56:50,106 --> 00:56:51,936
of empathy that God gave me.
1112
00:56:51,966 --> 00:56:54,276
And I know it's endless
because it's not me.
1113
00:56:54,336 --> 00:56:55,146
'cause I'm mortal.
1114
00:56:55,176 --> 00:56:55,236
Yeah.
1115
00:56:55,236 --> 00:56:58,536
It comes from much, it's a spiritual,
it comes from the ocean, it comes
1116
00:56:58,541 --> 00:56:59,736
from this whole other place.
1117
00:57:00,346 --> 00:57:02,086
And I go there and my mind and.
1118
00:57:02,276 --> 00:57:03,686
Hold that rock and I squeeze it.
1119
00:57:03,686 --> 00:57:06,056
And , I hold it and I say, I pray it.
1120
00:57:06,056 --> 00:57:09,156
And I say, I want this, like my son,
for example, like that's so easy.
1121
00:57:09,156 --> 00:57:09,386
Right.
1122
00:57:09,386 --> 00:57:10,996
But I'm just like, please let him be safe.
1123
00:57:11,006 --> 00:57:12,246
Like, please let him be safe.
1124
00:57:12,696 --> 00:57:15,026
Please let this issue not be a problem.
1125
00:57:15,036 --> 00:57:16,536
Please let him have
friends, all those things.
1126
00:57:16,966 --> 00:57:20,676
And then I let it build
to a fervor and then.
1127
00:57:21,096 --> 00:57:23,776
I remind myself that I'm just a mortal.
1128
00:57:24,026 --> 00:57:28,396
I'm just a soul driving around this sweet
little gorilla and I can't do everything.
1129
00:57:28,476 --> 00:57:30,006
And then I say, you got it.
1130
00:57:30,076 --> 00:57:31,206
You got to have him God.
1131
00:57:31,796 --> 00:57:35,943
And then I put him in this
other vase and he's there.
1132
00:57:35,963 --> 00:57:41,623
So I do rituals like that to
close my time blocked Work day.
1133
00:57:42,173 --> 00:57:44,273
I also have a different
cell phone for work.
1134
00:57:44,323 --> 00:57:48,633
That's a very practical reason and
sometimes I hear that phone ringing in the
1135
00:57:48,633 --> 00:57:51,783
other room and It's a it's a discipline.
1136
00:57:51,903 --> 00:57:55,323
Yeah, someone is probably could
be in the hospital, right?
1137
00:57:55,343 --> 00:57:58,193
But I my clients know when I'm
available and when I'm not available
1138
00:57:58,223 --> 00:58:01,493
and sometimes I am available for people
that are gonna be in The hospital,
1139
00:58:01,493 --> 00:58:02,833
but they will know if I'm available.
1140
00:58:02,833 --> 00:58:06,563
In the hospital when I was working before,
before I had done all of this work, I
1141
00:58:06,563 --> 00:58:08,193
took everything home with me all the time.
1142
00:58:08,383 --> 00:58:12,113
I carried, I carried these people
around with me, people that passed
1143
00:58:12,113 --> 00:58:13,493
away while I was on my shift.
1144
00:58:13,493 --> 00:58:15,393
Like I carry their souls in my car.
1145
00:58:15,823 --> 00:58:18,913
Like I took dead people with me home.
1146
00:58:19,363 --> 00:58:20,103
You can't do that.
1147
00:58:20,263 --> 00:58:21,283
No, no.
1148
00:58:21,473 --> 00:58:25,463
They have their own life exactly
wherever they went, you Yeah.
1149
00:58:26,650 --> 00:58:26,670
Yeah.
1150
00:58:26,755 --> 00:58:31,065
I feel like we could talk so, there's
so many layers to all of this, but I
1151
00:58:31,075 --> 00:58:36,440
would love to know, , what advice do
you have for those of us that have aging
1152
00:58:36,440 --> 00:58:43,733
parents and, maybe on the cusp or in
the midst of this caregiving place?
1153
00:58:44,096 --> 00:58:44,596
Yes.
1154
00:58:44,816 --> 00:58:46,336
So we talked.
1155
00:58:46,696 --> 00:58:50,106
A lot about the importance, the
difference between empathy and compassion.
1156
00:58:50,116 --> 00:58:53,926
I'll, I'll touch it one more time
and then give a few practical ideas.
1157
00:58:54,256 --> 00:58:57,996
But, um, empathy is literally
feeling what another person
1158
00:58:57,996 --> 00:58:59,306
is feeling inside their body.
1159
00:58:59,866 --> 00:59:04,746
So you, you know, that, Ooh, that
wince, that like, Oh, cringe feeling.
1160
00:59:05,506 --> 00:59:09,911
Compassion is knowing that it's
occurring , and acknowledging it , and
1161
00:59:09,911 --> 00:59:11,431
wanting to take action to be of help.
1162
00:59:11,481 --> 00:59:12,061
You don't have to.
1163
00:59:12,521 --> 00:59:16,291
necessarily through practice, you
can not literally experience the
1164
00:59:16,291 --> 00:59:18,261
pain that people are experiencing.
1165
00:59:18,261 --> 00:59:18,441
Yeah.
1166
00:59:19,081 --> 00:59:20,131
And so that's one step.
1167
00:59:20,451 --> 00:59:25,571
And to investigate practices to, you
know, cord cut is a helpful meditation
1168
00:59:25,571 --> 00:59:28,721
practice and some other things to
not physically experience it with
1169
00:59:28,721 --> 00:59:31,231
them, because then you're no, you're
not helpful to them because your
1170
00:59:31,591 --> 00:59:34,271
energy is now being poured into pain.
1171
00:59:34,911 --> 00:59:36,551
Um, and they've got the pain covered.
1172
00:59:36,561 --> 00:59:38,101
They're check, check it off.
1173
00:59:38,151 --> 00:59:38,561
They did it.
1174
00:59:39,496 --> 00:59:39,756
Okay.
1175
00:59:39,796 --> 00:59:41,816
And then I'll jump into
some practical tips.
1176
00:59:41,856 --> 00:59:46,286
Um, of course, as I've said, you can
hire someone to help you can delegate.
1177
00:59:46,716 --> 00:59:49,416
Um, you might delegate to
a hired person like me.
1178
00:59:49,426 --> 00:59:51,376
You might delegate to
other family members.
1179
00:59:51,846 --> 00:59:57,616
You might have a brother or sister
that is aloof in the situation.
1180
00:59:58,226 --> 01:00:04,786
And in you could find out like what
is their gift in life and how does it
1181
01:00:04,826 --> 01:00:09,626
intersect with the need and give them
that one piece because the whole thing
1182
01:00:09,736 --> 01:00:14,016
is too big for any one person including
you if you're listening in this.
1183
01:00:14,386 --> 01:00:15,136
resonates with you.
1184
01:00:15,136 --> 01:00:16,006
It's too big for you, too.
1185
01:00:16,466 --> 01:00:20,316
So if there's something that person
is good at and you can try to help
1186
01:00:20,316 --> 01:00:23,836
them with that one piece, you might
be amazed at how that can really
1187
01:00:23,836 --> 01:00:25,546
build a sense of community and esteem.
1188
01:00:25,816 --> 01:00:28,786
Because I also delegate to family
members and stuff too, depending on
1189
01:00:28,786 --> 01:00:30,066
the dynamics and what people want.
1190
01:00:30,416 --> 01:00:33,086
Another thing is to keep a
timeline of medical events.
1191
01:00:33,661 --> 01:00:37,101
It, the first time mom goes to the
hospital, it's feels so sentinel
1192
01:00:37,161 --> 01:00:39,171
that you think you'll never forget.
1193
01:00:39,301 --> 01:00:39,661
Right.
1194
01:00:39,671 --> 01:00:40,681
You will forget.
1195
01:00:40,681 --> 01:00:40,971
Forget.
1196
01:00:40,981 --> 01:00:42,121
You will actually totally.
1197
01:00:42,121 --> 01:00:43,021
Especially in a state of stress.
1198
01:00:43,181 --> 01:00:43,461
Yeah.
1199
01:00:43,471 --> 01:00:44,251
Totally forget.
1200
01:00:44,551 --> 01:00:46,421
If there's a doctor you
really connect with.
1201
01:00:46,846 --> 01:00:47,976
Write their name down.
1202
01:00:48,076 --> 01:00:50,266
It sounds trite, but you, it
might be hard to find them again.
1203
01:00:50,266 --> 01:00:54,706
They might go to a different practice,
major scans, like an MRI that shows a
1204
01:00:54,706 --> 01:01:00,746
tumor, you request a physical copy of
that MRI and start to maintain the
1205
01:01:00,746 --> 01:01:02,776
big pieces of your own medical record.
1206
01:01:02,776 --> 01:01:05,056
You can retain your own
pieces of that medical record.
1207
01:01:05,086 --> 01:01:08,256
It can be enormously helpful in
coordinating care down the line.
1208
01:01:08,826 --> 01:01:11,766
Uh, doctors speak with
a ton of confidence.
1209
01:01:11,978 --> 01:01:14,808
They are confident in what
they're saying, but they don't
1210
01:01:14,818 --> 01:01:16,508
know you as well as you know you.
1211
01:01:16,818 --> 01:01:19,188
They don't know your mom as
well as you know your mom.
1212
01:01:19,208 --> 01:01:24,028
They see one part of the elephant and
they're speaking with great confidence.
1213
01:01:24,081 --> 01:01:27,158
If every piece of data they
have is accurate, number one.
1214
01:01:27,188 --> 01:01:31,408
And number two, if they have a
complete database of information
1215
01:01:31,408 --> 01:01:34,458
to be speaking from, then that's
probably a very helpful opinion.
1216
01:01:34,525 --> 01:01:36,355
Rarely do they have...
1217
01:01:36,436 --> 01:01:40,926
Wholly accurate or wholly
complete data from which to opine.
1218
01:01:41,176 --> 01:01:46,913
Remember that your intuition and your
family member's intuition is far more
1219
01:01:46,913 --> 01:01:50,723
important than any other person's
opinion, regardless of how bright they
1220
01:01:50,723 --> 01:01:51,923
are, how long they went to school.
1221
01:01:52,403 --> 01:01:54,863
Lastly, be creative.
1222
01:01:55,363 --> 01:02:01,983
And be , very open of whatever your
parents say defines their quality of life.
1223
01:02:02,003 --> 01:02:04,913
Be very open to what matters to them.
1224
01:02:05,383 --> 01:02:08,883
So, for example, I have, the
same, I keep talking about my
1225
01:02:08,883 --> 01:02:09,873
best friend, my same friend.
1226
01:02:10,363 --> 01:02:11,463
So she has...
1227
01:02:11,813 --> 01:02:17,153
a dad that has early onset dementia,
and his life was about hanging
1228
01:02:17,153 --> 01:02:19,013
out at the bar with his friends.
1229
01:02:19,313 --> 01:02:24,683
Now, with his laundry list of illnesses,
should he be drinking beer every day?
1230
01:02:24,713 --> 01:02:24,893
No.
1231
01:02:24,913 --> 01:02:25,423
Probably not.
1232
01:02:25,663 --> 01:02:26,023
No.
1233
01:02:26,153 --> 01:02:27,063
No, he really shouldn't.
1234
01:02:27,093 --> 01:02:27,243
Yeah.
1235
01:02:27,473 --> 01:02:30,763
But they've made that a
key part of his care plan.
1236
01:02:31,753 --> 01:02:36,833
And she is in the blessed position
to pay for his bar tab down the
1237
01:02:36,833 --> 01:02:38,643
street from his nursing home.
1238
01:02:38,753 --> 01:02:43,563
And that is just one example of
a way that she has allowed his...
1239
01:02:44,098 --> 01:02:47,345
Definition of quality of
life to lead his care.
1240
01:02:47,435 --> 01:02:48,735
And that can be really hard.
1241
01:02:48,935 --> 01:02:50,455
Oh, that can be so hard.
1242
01:02:50,675 --> 01:02:56,225
I've got some personal experience
with that, with family that knowing
1243
01:02:56,225 --> 01:02:57,825
what I know, I could help them.
1244
01:02:57,918 --> 01:02:58,488
They don't want it.
1245
01:02:58,518 --> 01:02:59,088
They don't want it.
1246
01:02:59,458 --> 01:03:02,238
They want to have Coke and ice cream.
1247
01:03:02,468 --> 01:03:03,018
That's right.
1248
01:03:03,418 --> 01:03:04,048
And.
1249
01:03:04,298 --> 01:03:08,498
They don't really have any interest in
reversing diabetes or anything like that.
1250
01:03:08,548 --> 01:03:09,618
And it's not up to me.
1251
01:03:09,848 --> 01:03:11,388
It's not, it's just not up to me.
1252
01:03:11,438 --> 01:03:14,118
And I had to really step
back and go, guess what?
1253
01:03:15,018 --> 01:03:15,878
Not your job.
1254
01:03:16,428 --> 01:03:17,378
It's their life.
1255
01:03:17,478 --> 01:03:20,298
If this is what gives them a
little joy in the day, like,
1256
01:03:20,318 --> 01:03:21,538
and that's what they choose.
1257
01:03:21,768 --> 01:03:22,188
Okay.
1258
01:03:22,438 --> 01:03:22,798
Great.
1259
01:03:22,798 --> 01:03:23,368
Let it go.
1260
01:03:23,908 --> 01:03:27,028
And it was really difficult, really
difficult because it's like, Oh,
1261
01:03:27,198 --> 01:03:30,338
I know all the things that could
actually fix this and right.
1262
01:03:30,348 --> 01:03:32,928
And again, it's that ego
that comes into play.
1263
01:03:32,958 --> 01:03:34,438
So anyway, that's just an aside.
1264
01:03:34,438 --> 01:03:35,488
I want to waste more time on that.
1265
01:03:35,928 --> 01:03:40,018
Um, those are really,
really excellent tips.
1266
01:03:40,308 --> 01:03:43,468
And I think too, you know, if
the piece about listening to your
1267
01:03:43,468 --> 01:03:46,788
intuition and your gut feeling, I
think if you're so exhausted and
1268
01:03:46,788 --> 01:03:50,568
depleted from giving of yourself,
it's really hard to hear that voice.
1269
01:03:50,778 --> 01:03:51,428
Oh my gosh.
1270
01:03:51,428 --> 01:03:51,498
Yes.
1271
01:03:52,013 --> 01:03:55,643
And to connect with that intuition because
you're just, you don't know what sphere,
1272
01:03:55,643 --> 01:04:01,143
what's anxiety, what's intuition, what's
that still small voice, so to speak.
1273
01:04:01,173 --> 01:04:03,923
Like, And what is just fear, right?
1274
01:04:03,933 --> 01:04:06,133
It's so hard to distinguish
and differentiate.
1275
01:04:06,173 --> 01:04:09,923
And so that's another piece that I
encourage you if you're listening and
1276
01:04:09,923 --> 01:04:13,903
going through these things, like the self
care is so crucial because yes, it's for
1277
01:04:13,903 --> 01:04:16,643
you, but it is also for everyone else too.
1278
01:04:16,906 --> 01:04:21,606
And you know, if you've got nothing
left, then , it's not helpful.
1279
01:04:21,786 --> 01:04:25,566
And if you start, hating
everyone around you that your
1280
01:04:25,636 --> 01:04:27,606
ultimate goal is to care for.
1281
01:04:27,856 --> 01:04:29,576
I mean, it's that resentment piece.
1282
01:04:29,586 --> 01:04:32,016
Like that is a, that's a later sign.
1283
01:04:32,026 --> 01:04:33,526
The resentment is a later sign.
1284
01:04:33,526 --> 01:04:37,163
If you're at that place
already, , it's time to really
1285
01:04:37,203 --> 01:04:39,973
think about what you aren't getting.
1286
01:04:40,223 --> 01:04:40,743
For sure.
1287
01:04:40,753 --> 01:04:44,173
And that brings me to the next
topic that I wanted to touch on.
1288
01:04:44,275 --> 01:04:48,825
Which is, you know, what in everything
that you've seen throughout your
1289
01:04:48,825 --> 01:04:52,938
career and in your work now, what
do you think are the most crucial
1290
01:04:52,978 --> 01:04:57,471
preparations or precautions that we can
take to set ourselves up for better?
1291
01:04:57,521 --> 01:04:59,921
You know late life or
possibly long term care.
1292
01:05:00,141 --> 01:05:00,651
Oh my gosh.
1293
01:05:00,661 --> 01:05:02,101
This is This is so good.
1294
01:05:02,111 --> 01:05:06,911
So after spending, you know,
almost two decades in healthcare,
1295
01:05:07,091 --> 01:05:08,501
not almost two decades, actually.
1296
01:05:08,511 --> 01:05:08,531
Wow.
1297
01:05:08,571 --> 01:05:12,971
It has been 20 years that I've worked
in intense healthcare settings.
1298
01:05:13,085 --> 01:05:16,365
The first thing you can
try to do is stay away.
1299
01:05:18,890 --> 01:05:20,830
From traditional American health care.
1300
01:05:20,870 --> 01:05:21,380
Oh boy.
1301
01:05:21,420 --> 01:05:26,010
Um, and you know, and I say that to be
funny, I mean, I have deep respect and
1302
01:05:26,020 --> 01:05:30,850
gratitude and you know, all the rest for
all the people and all of the systems that
1303
01:05:30,930 --> 01:05:34,720
us smart human beings have created and
published and all these things, right?
1304
01:05:36,720 --> 01:05:40,190
Truly if it's something very
minor, if it could be fixed with
1305
01:05:40,190 --> 01:05:46,510
anything besides a pharmaceutical
Intervention, try that first.
1306
01:05:46,740 --> 01:05:50,080
I have no judgment about
pharmaceutical interventions.
1307
01:05:50,110 --> 01:05:53,500
I personally use pharmaceutical
interventions for my mental health.
1308
01:05:53,510 --> 01:05:59,150
For example, it is, it is that you want
to make sure that there was nothing
1309
01:05:59,190 --> 01:06:01,880
else that could have helped you first.
1310
01:06:01,990 --> 01:06:06,350
I mean, like preventative measures,
like, I mean, really diet.
1311
01:06:06,950 --> 01:06:07,770
Exercise.
1312
01:06:07,820 --> 01:06:08,760
It is medicine.
1313
01:06:08,800 --> 01:06:09,060
Yes.
1314
01:06:09,500 --> 01:06:14,380
It is what our bodies cannot
be more than what we put into
1315
01:06:14,380 --> 01:06:15,700
it and what we do with it.
1316
01:06:16,110 --> 01:06:17,060
It actually can't.
1317
01:06:17,120 --> 01:06:19,550
It's a it's a physical law, right?
1318
01:06:20,040 --> 01:06:20,970
It is.
1319
01:06:21,020 --> 01:06:26,080
It is whatever you put in it and
whatever you physically do with it.
1320
01:06:26,630 --> 01:06:30,680
And I think that the people that
I've met who practice the best
1321
01:06:30,700 --> 01:06:33,610
preventative medicine tend to
be very connected to their body's
1322
01:06:33,610 --> 01:06:38,410
experience and incredibly respectful
of their body's lived experience.
1323
01:06:38,670 --> 01:06:40,730
And so, I mean, it really
all ties back together.
1324
01:06:41,120 --> 01:06:41,779
Um.
1325
01:06:42,225 --> 01:06:47,835
And so, yeah, if anything besides
traditional American healthcare
1326
01:06:47,835 --> 01:06:49,385
can help you, do that first.
1327
01:06:49,535 --> 01:06:52,705
If physical therapy is
an option, do that one.
1328
01:06:53,115 --> 01:06:57,505
If there's any, symptoms of depression
or anxiety that could be associating
1329
01:06:57,685 --> 01:07:01,495
with, , combining to amplify your
physical symptoms, which is very common.
1330
01:07:01,495 --> 01:07:02,335
Yes, yeah.
1331
01:07:02,455 --> 01:07:03,385
Look into that.
1332
01:07:03,695 --> 01:07:03,995
Yeah.
1333
01:07:04,170 --> 01:07:08,510
, another thing that I love to always
teach people, especially, um, people
1334
01:07:08,510 --> 01:07:12,310
that are still younger and by younger
when I'm with, if a nurse tells you
1335
01:07:12,310 --> 01:07:16,920
you're younger, it just means you're not
75, by the way, you feel really young.
1336
01:07:16,940 --> 01:07:19,240
If you talk to me, you're going
to feel so young because I'm going
1337
01:07:19,240 --> 01:07:20,260
to be like, Oh, you're young.
1338
01:07:20,290 --> 01:07:21,125
You know, you're 68.
1339
01:07:21,125 --> 01:07:22,060
I'm like, Oh God, you're young.
1340
01:07:22,490 --> 01:07:32,145
Um, So, density of, uh, muscle in your
glutes and your quads, that one indicator,
1341
01:07:32,145 --> 01:07:35,745
so like if you were to, you know, cut
a core, sorry for the graphic, but like
1342
01:07:35,765 --> 01:07:39,095
pull a core of muscle out and study it.
1343
01:07:39,545 --> 01:07:44,305
How strong and how dense that muscle is,
is the best indicator of how independent
1344
01:07:44,315 --> 01:07:46,005
you will be as an elderly person.
1345
01:07:46,415 --> 01:07:47,995
And it comes down to such a simple thing.
1346
01:07:48,005 --> 01:07:49,865
You got to be able to get up from a chair.
1347
01:07:49,925 --> 01:07:50,345
Yeah.
1348
01:07:50,495 --> 01:07:50,855
Yeah.
1349
01:07:50,945 --> 01:07:55,315
Or manage stairs, for example, but
really sitting up from a chair and
1350
01:07:55,365 --> 01:07:56,835
all that is, is a reverse squat.
1351
01:07:58,045 --> 01:08:01,705
Resistance training for women,
cause we lose our density faster
1352
01:08:01,725 --> 01:08:06,705
than men do, but it's important for
everybody, but like just some good
1353
01:08:06,745 --> 01:08:13,005
squats, like some good strong buns
and legs will add to your quality
1354
01:08:13,005 --> 01:08:14,595
of life more than you could imagine.
1355
01:08:17,950 --> 01:08:18,090
They're studies.
1356
01:08:18,090 --> 01:08:18,680
This is published.
1357
01:08:18,729 --> 01:08:19,390
Big butts.
1358
01:08:19,710 --> 01:08:20,600
It's published.
1359
01:08:20,760 --> 01:08:21,330
It's good.
1360
01:08:21,430 --> 01:08:22,740
Get some muscle.
1361
01:08:22,750 --> 01:08:24,720
Get some muscle on your back.
1362
01:08:24,720 --> 01:08:24,910
I know.
1363
01:08:24,960 --> 01:08:26,569
How many times have I said that?
1364
01:08:26,580 --> 01:08:28,149
Everyone's like, stop already with this.
1365
01:08:28,180 --> 01:08:29,080
But no, it's so true.
1366
01:08:29,080 --> 01:08:29,500
It's so good.
1367
01:08:29,600 --> 01:08:30,720
It's absolutely true.
1368
01:08:30,729 --> 01:08:32,180
And it metabolizes your stress.
1369
01:08:32,430 --> 01:08:33,760
It metabolizes everything.
1370
01:08:34,080 --> 01:08:35,979
I mean, that is our metabolic currency.
1371
01:08:36,229 --> 01:08:36,430
Yeah.
1372
01:08:36,490 --> 01:08:37,569
But that's a whole other conversation.
1373
01:08:37,870 --> 01:08:38,569
We won't go into that.
1374
01:08:38,569 --> 01:08:40,950
It breaks down all this
stuff that's just there.
1375
01:08:41,050 --> 01:08:41,490
Yeah.
1376
01:08:41,590 --> 01:08:41,910
Yeah.
1377
01:08:41,910 --> 01:08:43,620
Well, and dementia, you
know, we've mentioned that.
1378
01:08:43,630 --> 01:08:46,770
That's such sort of,
it's just so common now.
1379
01:08:47,300 --> 01:08:50,960
And that's one of the best
things that you can do is have
1380
01:08:51,029 --> 01:08:52,930
really good insulin sensitivity.
1381
01:08:52,930 --> 01:08:56,010
And the more muscle mass you have,
the more insulin sensitive you are.
1382
01:08:56,010 --> 01:08:57,059
Yeah.
1383
01:08:57,059 --> 01:08:57,069
Yeah.
1384
01:08:57,069 --> 01:08:57,080
Cool.
1385
01:08:57,240 --> 01:09:01,490
That is the best thing that you can
do for yourself is build and maintain
1386
01:09:01,490 --> 01:09:02,970
as much muscle mass as possible.
1387
01:09:03,020 --> 01:09:03,279
Yeah.
1388
01:09:03,363 --> 01:09:06,163
, I feel like I know that
you've got to get going.
1389
01:09:06,163 --> 01:09:09,502
So I want to be respectful of
your time, any really like last
1390
01:09:09,523 --> 01:09:11,252
thoughts that you have for us.
1391
01:09:11,273 --> 01:09:13,832
And then I want you to let us
know where everyone can find you.
1392
01:09:14,423 --> 01:09:17,553
, we may have to do a whole separate
episode on navigating insurance.
1393
01:09:17,613 --> 01:09:18,283
I don't know.
1394
01:09:18,283 --> 01:09:20,513
Or are there just a couple?
1395
01:09:20,513 --> 01:09:20,593
Let's do it.
1396
01:09:20,593 --> 01:09:20,683
Absolutely.
1397
01:09:20,693 --> 01:09:21,313
Oh, you want to talk?
1398
01:09:21,323 --> 01:09:22,243
You want to talk nerd to me?
1399
01:09:22,643 --> 01:09:23,233
Let's do this.
1400
01:09:23,233 --> 01:09:29,042
It's a lot to talk about money all day.
1401
01:09:29,042 --> 01:09:29,792
It's so crazy.
1402
01:09:29,803 --> 01:09:30,143
Yes.
1403
01:09:30,173 --> 01:09:33,423
There's so many ways to try
to save money on healthcare.
1404
01:09:33,462 --> 01:09:34,573
God, I could talk about that forever.
1405
01:09:34,683 --> 01:09:34,973
Yeah.
1406
01:09:34,973 --> 01:09:38,582
So any last thoughts that you want to
make sure you leave listeners with?
1407
01:09:39,582 --> 01:09:40,223
Oh my goodness.
1408
01:09:41,018 --> 01:09:47,448
Um, don't be intimidated, they
are not smarter than you, your
1409
01:09:47,448 --> 01:09:53,368
healthcare providers don't know
more than you know about yourself.
1410
01:09:53,455 --> 01:09:57,445
our knowledge as healthcare
providers tends to be very, very,
1411
01:09:57,445 --> 01:10:00,485
very deep in very certain subjects.
1412
01:10:00,934 --> 01:10:04,425
Be that a phase of care like
hospital or clinic, be that a
1413
01:10:04,434 --> 01:10:06,825
specialty like autonomic neurology.
1414
01:10:07,075 --> 01:10:09,645
They don't know the breadth.
1415
01:10:10,065 --> 01:10:12,595
Your job is to take all
the best information.
1416
01:10:12,605 --> 01:10:13,675
They work for you.
1417
01:10:13,985 --> 01:10:16,155
Remember, they serve you.
1418
01:10:16,395 --> 01:10:17,725
You are the king.
1419
01:10:17,885 --> 01:10:19,505
They are your advisors.
1420
01:10:19,525 --> 01:10:21,395
You are Daenerys Targaryen, okay?
1421
01:10:21,755 --> 01:10:23,145
They are your counsel.
1422
01:10:23,505 --> 01:10:26,365
You decide with the
information given to you.
1423
01:10:26,365 --> 01:10:27,845
You don't follow them.
1424
01:10:28,425 --> 01:10:30,025
You decide based on info they give you.
1425
01:10:30,545 --> 01:10:31,115
I love that.
1426
01:10:31,215 --> 01:10:31,715
Yes.
1427
01:10:31,875 --> 01:10:32,375
I love that.
1428
01:10:32,925 --> 01:10:33,405
Absolutely.
1429
01:10:33,615 --> 01:10:38,215
So tell everybody where they can find
you and I'll put all this information
1430
01:10:38,215 --> 01:10:40,395
in the show notes to everybody
so you don't have to remember it.
1431
01:10:40,515 --> 01:10:41,455
Wonderful.
1432
01:10:41,485 --> 01:10:41,905
Okay.
1433
01:10:41,905 --> 01:10:48,595
So my business is called Lighthouse
Healthcare Navigation and I also work
1434
01:10:48,635 --> 01:10:53,875
with an incredible company that I must
mention called Grayzone Health for
1435
01:10:53,885 --> 01:10:59,835
people struggling with rare neurologic
endocrine and other disorders, complex.
1436
01:11:00,520 --> 01:11:05,630
, gray zone health is the best place to
find me for non, , rare disease work
1437
01:11:05,760 --> 01:11:07,540
lighthouse healthcare navigation.
1438
01:11:07,790 --> 01:11:08,309
com.
1439
01:11:08,820 --> 01:11:11,220
And , my name is Sarah Jane Yang.
1440
01:11:11,230 --> 01:11:13,590
If I didn't mention that
before, you can also find me
1441
01:11:13,590 --> 01:11:14,920
just good old fashioned Google.
1442
01:11:15,110 --> 01:11:15,710
Love it.
1443
01:11:15,920 --> 01:11:16,330
Awesome.
1444
01:11:16,360 --> 01:11:18,290
Well, thank you so much for
being here with me today.
1445
01:11:18,290 --> 01:11:21,870
This was fantastic
information and empowering.
1446
01:11:22,225 --> 01:11:23,325
You know, and hopeful.
1447
01:11:23,335 --> 01:11:25,915
So thank you so much for
sharing all of this with us.
1448
01:11:25,915 --> 01:11:27,225
I really appreciate you being here.
1449
01:11:27,545 --> 01:11:28,015
Thank you.
1450
01:11:28,015 --> 01:11:28,904
Thanks for having me.
