Kelley Smith at CarePartners Senior Living joins Suzanne to talk about the most common questions she's asked every day about Alzheimer's and Dementia.
Kelley explained, “People want to know what a normal day looks like. You may go in for a tour and see people sleeping on the couch. Depending on the time, they'd probably be doing that at home — and this is their home. Don't expect there to be parties every time you visit, because the job isn't to entertain the residents constantly, it's to keep them in a homelike environment where they feel safe and secure. There are all sorts of activities from doing somebody's nails to playing a card game, or something else that's entertaining. But the most important thing is not that mom needs to be entertained, but that she needs to feel needed. CarePartners learns as much about the residents. One family sat us down, told us all about their beautiful mother who moved into our Mill Creek community. The activity girl ran down and got all these vases, and all these gorgeous flowers, because the mother was a flower arranger. She now does all of the flowers at the community. That's the kind of stuff you'll see in dementia communities. It's not always cupcakes and popcorn balls. You need to meet these folks where they're at, at the moment.”
Sometimes mom wakes up and see her husband — but she remembers what her husband was like 30 or 40 years ago, not the old man in bed next to her, and she doesn't recognize him. Another common thing is that grandma will fixate on a teen grandson, and he doesn't get it, and thinks grandma's being weird. Do you look anything like grandpa when he was young? In her mind, Mom will go back in time. Certain things don't make sense to us, because in their mind, they're back to 32 again, and you should be about 12. Rarely, they don't recognize the spouse. Most of the time that's the only person they recognize as their disease progresses. But when it seems Mom can't remember your name. Kelley says, “I'm gonna tell you right now. I think, in their heart, they always know who you are. I think that's why things get calm after a visit. I think that's why, even if they don't recognize you, just your presence can be good for them. Don't give up on them just because they've hurt your feelings. Think about what they're going through.”
When families get to this point, and ask how can they best bridge my loved one into a community of care such as CarePartners, they ask what their first steps should be. Kelley advises, “The first thing they should do is start checking things out before it becomes an emergency. The problem with memory care is, by the time we get folks, there's either been an emergency, or we're about to have one. Make your decisions sooner. Start doing some research a little bit beforehand. Pick out communities that you like. I would pick out one or two, not just one. And the reason is, what if the time comes when mom needs to move, and they're full? So check out a couple of places, make sure you like a couple of them. Ask the right questions. And then as far as your loved one goes, you're gonna know, and a lot of times if you're taking them back and forth to a doctor, the doctor at some point will make a recommendation, and it's time. We've never had a problem with anybody really refusing to move in. You know, that's not really a problem because most folks are either they're ready for memory care or they're happy that assisted living is going to be a bridge.”
In the next segment, Kelley and Suzanne talk about the CarePartners Bonded Pairs program. Kelley explained, “One of the situations we realized we're having is that kids were coming to mom and dad, and separating them because one of them has Alzheimer's. We think we should go put Mom in this place. And dad's like, “I'll be darned if you're going to take mom from me,” and mom doesn't want to be taken from dad. So what we came up with was the Bonded Pairs program. And at our Mount Lake Terrace community alone, we've kept over fifty couples together that would have been separated. It not only saves money, but saves heartache. You know, if dad and mom can be in assisted living together, and she's not going to get up the middle of the night and wander down the street, she's fine. So why are we pushing these issues and trying to separate these folks? The biggest concern people had was being separated.”
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